beruria

and im supposed to help THEM?

2012-02-20T15:57:00.000-08:00

God help me.
because i need help
I cant help anyone right now
I need help
i am so sick of people
being freaking rude to me
all the time and never appreciating my kindness
i try to make them feel good and they make me feel terrible
im never effing good enough and im so sick of it
i really am God
will it ever get better
I have to quit.

dirty ass door mat

2012-02-02T16:19:00.000-08:00

havent written a positive one of these in forever
its been a while since i felt any peace
truly
im so all over the place
but the one thing i hate about that
the one thing i hate so much about having a wound
is that people can smell it & they freaking feed on it
its like i cant go outside in a bad mood because every damn thing will go wrong & people just pounce on me
im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of being disrespected
its time to grow up
the baby [ersonality was fun its time to stop
completely
i have to just pretend to be..idk,
i need to be a grownup
to get some damn respect
& i need to work on myself
a lot
i need to drop out of everything besides school work & working out
ESPECIALLY MODELING
until i am healed
because obviously im hurting
ive been trying to find some validation to help me
but i never get it
people smell my uncertainty and its rejection
i can feel it all the damn time
people offering me advice when all i want is to feel like nothings wrong with me
so i gotta work on it
i wish i could go away & do it
but i cant
i will be surrounded by stressors as i try to recover from whatevers hurting me
really i just gotta build my self esteem up again
i guess i just gotta pretend to be confident til then
because people beliueve whatever you act like you believe
the number one reason why i hate personality so much right now is because i never shut up
amnd i feel like im annoying
everyone around me knows everything about me and i feel exposed
i cant shut my mouth im always sharing my opionions and my experiences and dying for attention and i want to be quiet
im just gunna have to deal with people asking me why im so quiet
or i can tell them
no i dont have to tell them
though theres some people i think should know that i feel this way
whatever
i dont wqant anyone in this world to know anything about me anymore because the only person who doesnt offer advice (judgement) is God
i just wanna feel secure like i know what im doing
not knowing what i wanna be is killing me but whatever i guess ill just try to focus on school
which is so hard
my mind is everywhere
but this is the only constant thing i have
& a degree will get me some respect
i just am scared that i cant do the careers this is leading me to
or that if i can i wont be happy with them
like..
idk i just feel like i cant trust anyone to just listen to me and no one wants to cause i talk so much but damn ya know
ineeed someone to talk to
God please hold my hand
make me feel like im not alone in this world and let me tell ym secrets to you
i cant even talk to my damn boyfriend
i dont know if i have veer been this confused in my life
sometimes seriously & God forgive me
but i wonder what the point of life is
even the fun times arent that fun
im basically empty
& the thing i love most about myself im having to change like..
i have to lock it up & put it in a box & its so hard because i feel so disrespected and like everyone is just...so judgemental & no one sees the good in me or takes me seriously
so i have to like paint my face & try to act professional
maybe im just having trouble adjusting
but now i even feel like this new job wont even make me happy i feel like i made a bad impression on the area director and now they wont promote me either. i just hope i can like..get idk..idk God,.
im just no good with people and theres so many
im so unstable i know i just need to focus on that
i think i just feel SO vulnurable and exposed
and a period of silence is needed for me to regain control over myself and my life
i know..i want YOU to have control
i just like to feel like people do not have the control
i dont want anyone to know anything about me
when people ask me how im doing i need to just say good period
& just shutup
& if they ask me like wah wah why are you quiet
BECAUSE WHEN I SPEAK MOTHERFUCKERS THINK I TALK TO FUCKING MUCH IM NOT A DAMN CLOWN FOR EVERYONES ENTERTAINMENT I JUST WANNA BE QUIET & LEFT ALONE!
please help me get rid of this anger. and find some sort of peace
im really like...wounded.
burned from the inside
i need you to help me avoid irritation as much as possible and the best way to do this is to just..not speak.
i just...i feel like theres so much to do,
and i dont enjoy any of it
work. school.
working out.
for what? for nothing.
i cant stop crying. i just wanna feel better
i feel like a hurt in my heart
i try to hide it
though i barely can
i want it to go away
so bad
so i can stop being like a mean irritable person
and stop getting my feelings hurt every day
and being everyones doormat
i wanna respectg myself
and believe in myself
that whatever i decide to do i can do it
that everythings gunna be oj
that im not gunna be like broke & jobless and unhappy
that im not just gunna fail...
how am i gunna graduate? and then what?
by some miracle i graduate....what happens then?
im just surrounded by doubt. its like...i need so badly to be surrounded with some positivity.
i cant find any anywhere i just have to be quiet
help me calm down please so i can study God.
im crying over people who dont even know theyve hurt me
but they really have
really really bad
so many Nos ya know,
so many Nos
or so many..you need to this you need to that
nobodys ok with me how i am
i just feel really terrible
like..i cant do anything i dont know anything i cant stick with anything
and now im scared
sometimes God i really do wonder why you put me here
i used to KNOW it was to make some big difference
but now like..i dont have the temperament or the patience
or anything..i really dont know why.
i guess We'll find out.
i miss the old confident me
but really, theres always been something wrong
as much as i want to eraseeveryones memory i cant
please help me forgive myself for all the bad impressions
help me help myself help me do my best
help me find a reason to live
help me find peace and just...BE. please.
help me.
help me
help me
please
i really need your help.

leave me the fuck alone

2012-01-03T11:47:00.000-08:00

please excuse my language. i find myself cursing more and more these days.
im back to being easily angered and impatient. mississippi was such a peaceful, good experience for me. not having to work or do school work. just..doing whatever i wantd to do was so nice. no deadlines or anything. it was bad as far as me being in shape but whatever it was worth it to feel inner peace.
now its like anything that doesnt go my way puts me in a bad mood but in my defense on my off days when i really just want to cherish the time i have
1) it goes by lightening speed so i feel like i only have a few hours off
2)theres always a thousand things to do anyway
3)i havent gotten to do one fucking thing i wanted to do and instead have been bossed around by this fucking boy.
everything wsith him is a rush. and hes so motherfucking bossy
and when im in a bad mood
fucking shit juust leave me the fuck alone
never ever in his entire life will he just leave me alone id have been better off just continuing to run because coming back in here he a;lways ,makes it his problem. i didnt get to get my tattoo yesterday. i did not fucking want to drive all the way to sandras and sit over there and all this fucking shit but he was so adament about it then i had to fucking go back today. by the time i worked out the fucking day was over.
got damn like can i have a day off i feel like i literally need to leave this fucking house on my days off & just go anywhere else in the world so he cant control every fucking thing
he will never change dude seriously
i need to stop daydreaming about marriage & babies & keep myself in reality
cause i mean he even said hes just gunna pick out a ring he likes for my engagement?
reallyy
? i swear to God he doesnty give a fucking damn about anyone but himself
and he just is so motherfucking closed minded its so damn annoying. i just wanna stay here and enjoy the rest of college without being heartbroken until i get a better job or higher position and can afford my own apartment and the gym membership and just the expensiveness of singlehood and then im just gunna have to end this shit
sorry but i dont believe he will ever even improve
seriously
deep down hes still a fucking dictator
im just tired of getting fucking jipped and not one motherfucking thing going my way
i spent 3000 motherfuckling dollars at vitamin shoppe. we were supposed to get our pointas of the fucking second now i gotta wait til mid january? i need my fucking SUPPLEMENTS GOOOOOOOOOOTOTTT DAMMMNNNNIIT!!!!!!!!!!!
I WANT MY SHIT WHEN I WNAT IT I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING TO LIVE MY LIFE AROUND EVERY FUCKING BODY ELSE GOT DAMNIT!!

i have to wait 2 weeks to get my damn tat done
and then do another session
so all together its lookin like 600 dollars.

but i did make an appt to get my lips done next monday yay :)

got my appts set up. i feel better
just gunna try to keep savin as much money as possible & i need to make a plan for my running & not overshoot.
like 2 long days a week and 3 short days
something like that
so i wont feel like crap when i dont get it right
& just be patient with the losing weight thing
im not eating a lot so i ought to be okay
eventually my body will improve
& ill be done with ym tattoo
i just need to learn patience
and to hide my anger since i apparently cant express it to him.

the lost girl

2011-12-12T16:29:00.000-08:00

well.
i guess this is my journey "finding myself"
started reading the power of now
that book helps,
but i think i need to read it a l,ot more to remember it & actually become conscious when it counts
it seems i have a natural inclination to be upset instead
last week was horrible
it all came to a boiling point on saturday night
the day was just so effing slow
& id been having a bad week anyway
(i stayed..for an update from last time)
& i was watching this video girl on la ink
and i was like thaTs something i never want to be
& Garrisen was like
"its basically the same thing you do"
and that eventually turned into an argument
now that i think about it he made me not want to be a model anymore
lately ive been leaning more towards tattoo modeling
ive already got a couple girls im obsessed with
def need to stop doing that
i think i just really l;ike ppl who seem to know who they are
cause i dont
so i was going to get this abck tattoo
now ive taken in a design for a half sleeve! its awesome
bnefore i die ill probably have 2 full sleeves
i like the way it looks. always have loved tattoos
& im tired of not getting them
i showed my mom the blue jay and magnolias i was gunna get
that i spent all this time
on
and she was like "unsavory things like thug, and gold teeth that dont apply to you come to mind".
and i decided im sorry but im not getting any tattoos to memorialize a family that doesnt believe in color
i love em but ive always felt like an alien
i can never really be myself
one day i will be
around them
but for now. i just realize dim so sick of being invisible
no one ever cares about how i look
my talents
nothings ever good enough
& ya know what? I think it is
i posted a video of me singing SO GOOD on fb...and not one person watched it.
(i just reposted)
& i realized. ive been invisible all my life
SCREAMING FOR ATTENTION
people wont give it to me,
i only do stuff and go places so i can take pictures
i live my life vicariously thru who i think people will appreciate me being
never have they ever
aoppreciated that
i liked me better when i didnt care if anyone liked me or hated me
i was 100% fine to be all by myself
sick of being nice
i mean i basically am by myself other than garrisen and im fine
so why do i actlike i care
wanting people to like me
i need to effing ignore others and worry about me
stop tryna be famous & do what i wanna do
i want tattoos so im gunna get them
otherwise.
idk what i want
i know how i wanna look.idk if im willing to take the time to do it for me
but i might
i need more slef esteem
garrisen said something so true "you need to stop thinkling everyone is better than you cause theyre not" and hes right
so ive been drawing. trying to just...use my talents
idk what im gunna be when i groiw up and that scares the crap out of me but i can at least enjoy life right now celebrating myself
i need to just start doing that.
today he tried to.
anmd i didnt want to,.
and that caused an issue.
im going to try to chaNGE MY pill cause i never want to. and i think thats why
im sick of having to do crap i dont want to do it just feels like an interruption in my day so id rather just want to
i do enough crap i dont want to do
the only thing i can think of now that i do like to do
is watching scary movies
& training for triathlon
of all the sports i love swimming the most
im actually getting in pretty good shape. still have the belly & some underbooty that sometimes i think will never go zaway but if i keep training hard & eating well, it ought to eventually
id still LOVE to be an athlete. i could do that for fun just to enjoy competition
the other night i swam 1500m in 40 minutes! im getting so much better!
& i got on the bike after that & then ran 2.66 miles for the first time. awesome! i was so proud of myself i pushed through the shin splints and they went away and i didnt struggle that much. im getting a lot better!
i know evenetually thatll pay off so maybe i can emerse myself in that for now,
when i get my tats (which because of stupid boyfriends boyfriends graduation) i had to move to effing monday, i wont be able to swim for a while. ill keep swimming this week & then ill have to focus mostly on running & biking. im just hoping i actually get a bike for christmas and find somewhere to ride it.
idk i just wanna enjoy life again. i guess knowing what i wanted to do with my life was such a big part of me
i need to just feel secure that i am ok right now and am going to stay where im at.
& just enjoy what i can on the side without spending too much money.
and ill just keep praying for God to give me confidence and help me build up some self esteem and belief in myself
my faith has suffered the most out of evcerything.
but yea
so i just...want to learn more about myself and be fully that
so far ive learned that yea scary movies are my favorites and my creative interest is kind of dark
but im getting my tattoo to remind me that my creativity is beautiful and to never be afraid to show my colors.
& i can continue to decorate myself that way.
style-wise there are styles i like that i think I'd look good in. but the easiest style for me is like...graphic tees, skinny jeans, and sneakers, with hair accessories or something. hot topic type stuff. i dont feel as comfortable in the prissy stuff. i really miss my boots and i think its so wrong that randall freaking threw them off the datgum balcony. not cool at all.
i want them :(
but yes & i do like modeling
but more like...i wanna be like victorias secret model with tats
i dont have that body yet but its there
id have to be very lean
but yea
i like dark stuff. creative stuff. dominatrix type stuff
i need to rediscover my inner badass cause it was there,
i just didnt wanna be mean ya know
and being with his has not been good for my self esteem or my self-ness at all
but now im just gunna have to be me anyway no matter what anyone thinks or says i should be i dont care
i wanna be me
they can kiss it
i like black,
and a lot of rings
not so much bracelets
and fingernail polish
and big hair&
darkmakeup with light eyes
i like how my eyes look with dark makeup
i just wanna be comfortable
but now i know i do like to dance, etc.
& there is a fashionista in me for occasions of such
but for the most part,
im a rock-girl at heart
& my signature is the heart. there's got to be broken hearts everywhere.
thats just...my fascination
my style is a little risque and off but i like that & i dont want to change i just want to be me
i feel like i just heard a dog get killed..
no its okay good
anyway.
yea so...im ready to start exploring myself seeing what i like
i know my favorite band is three days grace
Neil Jou offered to shoot with me
after i get the tatts i want im down
maybe submit to some tat mags
but other than that im like..i had deactivated my fb
and i find thatg helps
i need to get away from people & closer to myself.
so yea so far all i know is the kind of music i like, & the colors & styles i like, a little bit of everything, how i like to look, i know what i believe is right & wrong. working on standing up for that. still gotta wear away this fluffy layer.
know i like hearts & emotion & still have something to say about depression.
i know i dont like to be pushed around or told what to do. i like tattoos and the color black and wierd hair. i also have a girly side. so so far im a mix
i know i like to train for triathlons. not big on weights anymore.
i love to run and bike and especially swim. that is just the funnest part of my life
other than that..im still finding myself out.
God please help me with this

the loselose situation

2011-11-29T17:34:00.000-08:00

i basically feel like im in a relationship
that i know is gunna end
i dont wanna be alone again. i dont want to be miserable everyday with no one to rely on no mutual relationships and just..up & down trying to find something to entertain myself til i find a reason to wakeup
the only thing is this world that has ever filled the hole is a boyfriend
i dont want to be single
i just want someone who brings me up not down
who loves me and everything about me and doesnt just think i should be more like them
i really dont like who ive become and i dont feel appreciated
i dont believe he loves me anymore
he just wants to possess me.
he thinks he loves me. he really does
but hes disrespectful toward all women & i see it in his father too so i know it wont change
he makes promises but this weekend i saw that nothing has changed
he sees so issue with him being controlling
i hate it. i dont want to have to keep things from someone because they wont understand it
i want someone openminded
idk what i deserve idk how relationships are supposed to be but i know i dont wanna be his little bitch excuse my language
i don t wanna be like his step mom just..bossed around and talked down to
i dont really look forward to the thought of those being my in laws anyway
one of his aunts is so rude she makes fun of me and makes it look like a joke
im tired of those ppl.
maybe i need to date outside my race. shit or the other side of my race just so i can know that there are formalities and a freaking code of behavior in how you treat people
you are supposed to be NICE.
& i would justlike..a free spirit like me. or heck if theyre not fine but like someone that doesnt try to cage me in instead of them opening up
so i stay in this relationship that my heart is no longer in
because the break up is gunna be so bad and im just waiting for it to happen.
im gunna have to retake on all the financial reponsibilities live in an expensive apartment go back to being broke.
nothing to do on weekends being desparate for company yet trying to hide it. watching movies and reading books so i dont feel so alone.
having to listen to people talk about their relationships and try not to get depressed
goping back to basuically everyday trying not to be depressed
i feel like im no one when no one loves me
i just need to know that im loved by someone then everyone else is dealable withable
lately it just seems like people are so awful.
ive let too much show and my confidence has really dropped. im just praying i dont fall into a low.
i couldnt even workout today. i really dont like lifting weights anymore and there were too many ppl there i just didnt want to.
i want someone who wants me to be happy
who cares about the things i do and shares some interests besides the gym and doesnt act like every freaking thing i do is stupid
like what i wear is stupid (opposite from him)
what i listen to
the type of movies i like
the things i like to go out and do
the fact that i like to be social
being nervous about meeting ppls parents? i mean why doesnt he give a damn about my parents
hes like super self righteous judgemental and narcissistic.
i dont want another freaking ex and i have a feeling like..its just downhill.
i dont even want him to come home because its gunna be really hard for me to pretend to be happy to see him. i want to get away from him for a while.
idk what to do. God pleaseplease please pleaSe hear my prayer and guide me in the right direction. help me deal appropriately with all this anger and somehow just help m e get through this. i dont know what to do.

Sometimes beginnings arent so simple...sometimes goodbyes the only way

2011-10-10T10:43:00.000-07:00

i dont even really wanna think about the future right now. at all.
i left the apartment. packed all my stuff & left a note.
theres such a long list of why i cant even go into it
mostly just hes controlling & selfish & he puts his wants before my feelings
hes 100% willing to let me be uncomfortable so he can satisfy his endless lust.
been sick for 6 months and he doesnt even care.
i cant go back. as bad as iu want to
im trying not to let him see that i want to. but i really do,
i was just listening to his voicemails and hes over here crying hard
begging me to come back apologizing
theres like 6
i know he thinks he loves me but he just thinks im his possession
its not true love because true love is unselfish is just egoic attachment
on both our parts
i dont want to be single again at all
even though i know God will help me get through it. i just feel like..
i wish it wasnt true.
i dont want to be at sandras
it doesnt feel like home
i dont want to like..be thinking about him all the time
knowing i just wanna go back but cant
i dont want this at all
i wish he had common sense and would just be normal
like the one guy i find now i have to walk away from
i cant even focus i just wanna go home & like..hug him and be with him
and just..i hate this.
and i for sure dont want to do anything
not type stupid articles and school work,
thats what im supposed to be doing
and he just keeps calling
i listen to the voicemails just to hear his voice
hes called me 8 times. 2 more voicemails.
idk wtf im supposed to do. without him its back to the motions. just..school, work, force myself to workout.
thats it. sigh, God help me please cause all i wanna do is leave & go to him right now.

crap day

2011-10-03T18:45:00.000-07:00

idk as day went on i just got more & more depressed. i got my articles done
and if i keep watching videos ill have my classes done
idk whats bothering me
i guess its just that im physically hungry & dont want to eat
& i keep thinking about this diet & im struggling already on day 2
i shouldnt be thinking about the 4 days i have left, or possibly like 12 if i were to do the 2 wk thing. it was easier at work there was good tasting meat there.
there is none here and im so sick of every type of meat thats good for me. tomorrow im going to just get a burrito bowl. idk.
im just frustrated
because i see my friend doing so well
and im still so mad about that i need to really just stop
and im looking at these photogs like oh lets do another photoshoot
why? i cant keep pretending to look good for long
i dont look like my pics at all
& i want to freaking fix it but i cant find a plan to save my life! i mean no carbs at all for 2 wks would b good because it would kill my yeast & maybe alleviate that horrible problem for the first time in 6 months. but if its not yeast then theres no reason
& i just always second guess like is this even gunna work is it worth it
my head is fuzzy, im tired of looking at this computer screen. i dont know which workout plan to follow.
idk. i need to find foods that i like. more dark meat i guess cause im not a fan at all of white meat anymore.
idk what to do. how can i be a fitness model if i hate meat.
part of me wants to freaking delete all my crap & disappear so people forget about that part of me
the other half just wants to hurry up & lose weight & lookgood already so i can freaking be on a maintanance diet & live happily. i was looking forward to eating what i want on saturday but i dont wanna do that & then this crap not even work.
im confused on what i should b doing.
i move around a lot and am surrounded by a lot more people to b doing this
i really really with all my heart wish i didnt find a way to be miserable on any diet ever
i really think i need to go back to the lose it! app because that was just a lot easier & more satisfying but im sick to death of looking the exact same & working out for no reason & i want to lose the weight for good and be done with this.
im just tired.
i dont want to do anymore work.
but i feel paralyzed i dont want to like..go to sleep. i dont want to workout i dont want to move i dont want Garrisen around me i just want to..idk,
maybe i should go back to the lose it! app. but what am i gunna eat tomorrow. there should be no reason for me to go over. & i could just go back to doing my workout and then the cardio after & id have energy. because this ketosis is putting me in a bad mood & making me like...not want Garrisen touching me & not want to like..do anything. Idk maybe I should wait til the fourth day to make a decision.
because on the 4th day your metabolism is supposed to really kick into ketosis & then you start to feel better because your body adjusts.
im gunna try to stick it out. maybe just go buy some fattening junk crap tomorrow as long as its not carby & then just try my best to stick it out
right now im irritable & i dont like it
i have a job where i cant afford to be irritable because im going to be surrounded by irritating people all day and i just dont like this version of myself.
also, i have an amazing boyfriend who is so sweet to me & loves me to death & does not deserve to be treated badly because of my choice of diet
so i will pray that God helps me through this. Its a positive decision for my career & my health. But idk if i can keep a good mood.I need to have food that I like. Maybe I'll go shopping in the morning. research some keto recipes right now.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Maybe itll pay off.

procrastinator

2011-09-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

I need to buy that book. Even now Im procrastinating.
Its like..I cant do anything til the last minute. i never want to do anything but just chill w/ Garrisen, plan random stuff for the future, & like..watch movies or just google random stuff.
iu feel like i just wanna live in my own world & not do anything productive. especially not school. Im so behind. i have a paper due in two weeks that I dont even know how to write. online classes are hard because you have to be a self starter and i struggle with that
i wanted to start getting uo early & doing work til a certain time like i had school monday & friday but dang i always have an appointment or something to freaking do on those days. i cant wait til next weekend we're going to dallas. i need to make sure all my work is done before we leave because i dont want to do any of it while im there
its like i wish i could just work and worry about that and then free time would really be free time instead of "ok now time to do everything else" time.
and there salwyas so much because i choose to pretend its actually free time and the work i didnt do is just habing over my head,
right now i feel really fat.
i was supposed to start a new diet yday & new workout plan but i didnt workout yday & im not working out today so i feel like im not going to make any progress and its annoying. i wanted to wakeup at like 10 today and go to the gym at 11 but i didnt wake up til 12 & went to work at 130. nothing. most unproductive day ever even at work. i dont have my meds i have to make a stupid appt to see the datgum psychiatrist just to get a freaking perscription.
i dont want to see them. i want my meds.
so its been about 3 wks that i havent had my concerta. really really wack.
i think having it will surely help,
im supposed to be doing work right now. i just wish i didnt have to do it
writing freaking articles
and school.
just annoying
food helps.
and so does spending money. so just keep doing that,
its hard to diet when you feel so fat but i guess thats the point.
i feel horrible about myself lately i bought some new makeup trying to feel pretty but i still feel ugly inside. went to church on sunday and could barely pay attentione even though the message was good,
ill kep praying. i really need help cause im low down

good for a while, then questionable again

2011-08-22T16:46:00.000-07:00

at first, i actually thought it was him holding me back
but now im feeling crazy and im leaning on him again
all i wanna do is be with him
nothing else helps i just like feeling his warm skin and cuddling
and affection cause it makes me feel like i know something.
dropped all my nutrition classes today. decided to change my major to media production
which is crazy cuz thats what i switched from in the beginning
never thought id like being behind the scenes
and yes being a movie director would probably make me very jealous of the actresses but
i dont know how to pursue my dreams
i dont./ not anymore
so this is the closest i can get to it
i dont want to be a nutritionist. dont want to work in a hospital
im thinking maybe this way ill have a job with freedom to do what i want look what i want and enough money to be free
i wouldnt mind just working my way up the vitamin shoppe ladder honestly.
i like it there,
i just want a degree because and nutrition is hard and im tired of it right now
idk..maybe it was a mistake
its crazy cause i think a lot of this has to do with just me wanting to get a half sleeve tattoo. but then its like what if i get it and i dont want it
but my tattoos are the only thing about me that havent changed a;; this time its my only stability
i just reeally and truly have no freaking idea who i am anymore
and its driving me nuts
i guess now that i changed my major i ought to just try to enjoy life and not get fat
but i still dont like my body
still dont like my hair
i dont hate my body
just my stomach bothers me
and the fact that i have no idea what to eat or how to workout to lose weight and its super annoying.
anyway. im doing my hair tomorrow even though i think its kinda pointless i cant imagine what they could do with it i think its just gunna look bad & since i dont know what i wanna see in the morror..why
its like i cant see myself trying to be attractive
especially not without my hair
i was so stupid to cut it. really. that has been biting me in thew ass for a freaking year now. i feel like im not gunna like it til its long again. or damn at least a length i can deal with,
and this all natural stuff isnt working
i miss makeup but i feel like i look better without it or ill have to put on too much i dont even know anymore. i really dont.
im so confused about everything and i feel super unstable and its not good for my mind. like i feel like i dont even wanna move or do anything cause it has no point.
& the lady.
she...i need to let that go. for some reason its like i really need her approval i want her to do something to show me im not the most annoying person shes ever met and she doesnt hate me. i mean she always ignores my text. she hasnt sent me a picture in freaking almost 2 weeks (in two days itll have been two weeks) so why do i chase her? thats what i hate
i dont like it. i think this is horrible service and she couldve just been like more attentive and i think she sold me dreams and had my hopes up for nothing so why did i text her today actually asking her for advice shes not even gunna answer me i want that relationship to be over :( i wanted to be one of the girls that got to be her friend but i am just too young and i dont fit it and that damn photoshioot has like ryuined my life. i look at the pics and its like..i feel like shes gunna send me an email with all of them saying here were done ahve a nice life. i dont think i did anything wrong ya know? i didnt give her an attitude or anything. im so confused.
im gunna keep praying. & just try to be positive and i guess for once, and for the first time truly just live for today without it being some huge step toward the future. im not getting ready for anything im not trying to impress anyone.
im obviously not gunna do a show this year. even though i really do want to get in better shape and i did wanna be a fitness model
and why am i so jealous of my friend
shes beautiful and sweet and shes gunna do well
God help me like..purify myself from this healousy i knows its wrong
its usually not this horrible
i should be happy for her. i know she deserves it
i just see her making al these friends anf getting into the circle
im so tired of feeling so rejected
and it makes me really wanna rebel. i want to get a new tattoo. but that would change my life so drastically and basically make it so i could never be a fitness model. i want her to tell me like..
idk im trying to wait and make sure theres no hope before i forget about it completely but shes left me in the dark for so long. other people have their pics theres so many new ones. its just.. not cool.
i feel like i cant trust anyone and everyones judging me
all i wanted was to be loved
abnd i left myself open and as usual
just dumb.
idk. we'll see. i'll figure something out. i just wanted to be someone
like..that everyone loved
and just feel thst ya know?
to have fans and peiople that think highly of me
and be one of the people that i look up to,
thats it. but i cant do this
its mean
and nothings happening and no ones helpoing me and three years of my life has been a lie
all ive done is lost myself in this mess & i cant get out
God please. please help me get out.

sometimes i dont like myself

2011-08-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

aside from all this supposed "potential" apparently only I know about...
sometimes i really just dont want to be me.
theres soooo many things i really dont like about myself & i really want to change those things before i have anything else to do with the world. so im going to list those things & my goal in life for the time being (always with staying fit & getting better on the side as well)
is to just...not hate these personality traits so much
and to be someone im rpoud of
and not pretend to be anyone or anything
so first the things id like to change about myself:
1)im scared of confrontation
2)i sabotage myself. EVERYTIME. i never do my best. just in case i mess up ppl wont think i really tried.
3)i always give into temptation. period
4)i kiss ass to people i think are socially "important" and i pretend to like people i dont like. i compliment people when i dont mean it & i go out of my way to seem like a nice person just so people will like me. and it NEVER works
5)i make up stories & lie habitually for attention
6)i pretend to like things i dont like. like sports. i dont like sports.
7)i procrastinate every chance i get- i dont trust myself
8)i spend too much money
9)*** i talk WAY too much, just to be heard, and dont LISTEN.
10)i talk about myself too much
11)i always compete with everyone else in my head & always underestimate my competition
12)i plan way too far ahead and spend money and time i dont have yet, always making plans im not ready for
13)im not thankful enough to God. i dont talk to Him as much as I used to and I am not as close to him as I used to be. I dont even read my bible anymore
14)im always getting addicted to something
15)i talk abotui something and make it sound so exciting but never do it
16)ive gottwen back into telling people about my problems instead of dealing with them myself

i think right now my soul is broken. & i need to deal with that before i do anything. i think I need to try to eat as clean as possible but let my first priority be just..keeping promises to myself.. and other people...just being a better human being because i have become so insincere.

who i pretend i am & try to hold onto:
-americas sweetheart-would never be mean to anyone
-tomboy..when i dont like sports...and i would b girly if i thoiught i could pull it off
-miss fitness - so fit and healthy
-miss super smart science nerd
-miss...doormat
-little kid

who i am (traits that actually are true)
-hate sports
-like girly stuff
-not always happy and bubbly. not always nice
-SO much left to learn....dont really like science and math...prefer art.
-performing girl-i really still want to be a famous singer. i just staqrted listening to everyone that i wasnt that talented and decided to be practical. but in my heart i would love to b in videos & movies & perform.
-i love food. i like to eat. i am so sick of counting everything and being so conscious of it all, i miss just living and having fun and i just wish i could have the discipline to get my body how i want it. i actually really want that. but fitness is now more obligation than any kind of enjoyment. i need to duck out of all of this because right now i do not like working out or eating healthy and i dont see myself helping anyone. i dont wanna be a trainer. i dont wanna finish school & do an internship..i dont like school. i wanna eb free & get paid for one of my talents cause im tired to death of sitting on them. i dont feel like working out. ever.
..but i really need new music on my phone that would help.

what would i do right now...if i could do whatever i wanted..
take an occasional class at school just cause..work like four days a week.
and spenmd time with garrisen. watch movies. eat. thats it. i just wanna read, watch movies, eat.
or do all the same stuff but on my time.
im so tired. & i feel like..im just gunna keep feeling overworked if i dont take something out. i cant stop working..i cant stop school...it seems like working out is the only other thing and the diet. it has stressed me out and depressed me for so long. isk how to free myself from this ugly beast.
but thats what i wanna do. just...i want my hair to be long again. i wanna feel cute and attractive and justwalk around feeling hot like i used to. taking a lot of pics and just..enjoying different stuff. do fun stuff every wknd and not have ti worry if its gunna be unfun because i cant eat what i want and spend my opnly spar etime working out pretty much to no avail because i cant diet. and if i dont diet i dont workout. i really wanna disappear for a little while and let the only people who see me be the people at work. i need help and I dont know what to ask for but all I know is when i need a break I need a break and i wanna escape something..this i can escape. no ones looking for me. im not important right now.
i dont wanna be jealous of my friend but it hurts my feelings so much for her to be like...everything i wanna be. friends with the people that wont talk to me,
just popular..and like..ive been fighting for that for too long. i need a change of pace. i need to be gone. ill come back but i just need to feel like some stuff is forgotten. idk what to do about eating maybe i do need to save my money & go to keith klein idk. i need to relax and clear my head my soul and my heart are not well right now & i need them to be so im just gunna relax. i dont wanna go to dave n busters. im not in the modd for like anything right niow & i dont know what to do. but at least no one is here so i can just be by myself. i think the issue all this time has been like.. a lack of God in ym life. i been so worried about bettering myself i havent been worried about being a good person and im really fake. im just not proud of it. i dont deservbe anything that i supposedly wanted. ive been wanting a way out. a way away from the woman who really...i let start all this. to pretend i dont know her or need anything from her im just gunna drop off the face i wanna just get away from the situation. and this has all really shown me that mnaybe for a hobby i can do this. working out just to stay fit and pursuing my own goals but trying to like travel here and there and become a big star im not tripping on right now because im too immature and unstable to handle it and its not important to me right now. it was jkust my temporary high. and i just..i dont like it. i dont wanna chase anyone or be so fake anymore. i wanna be me. im tired of all this. i wish the outside reflected the inside. it doesnt. right now. i miss my hair. idk. we'll see. im just gunna try to pray and calm down before the boy comes home. & probably tell him i dont wanna go to the party. this will ahve to be the last time i let someone down. but itd be me lying again. ugh. maybe my mood will change.

popular people

2011-08-18T18:16:00.001-07:00

i need to make a vow right now for the rest of my life
to stay away from them
when i walk in a room, when i view the world as a whole
any industry im ever in
when i see the people at the top
i need to just tell myself i am above them because i am only trying to impress God
well..not even that. that we are equals. and i am not to worship them
or give them any credit.
this lady is exactly like the first one.
people at the top make me feel like shit. i dont evenw anna be in this world anymore. i wanna get in shape for my own benefit and because i like looking good but seriously otherwise forget it because it has consumed me and taken so much joy from my life for so long. ill take a few years off and build my own fan base. NOT including "people in high places".
i have always been such a kiss ass.
so eager to please
always downplaying the gifts that god made ME to make ME special..
just to fit in among people
but there are people that love me
and there are people that dont
im a good freaking person
i may not be perfect
im not nor will i ever be Jamie Eason
but im me
i have a LOT of talents that the right person is going to benefit from very much one day and i am DONE being underconfident. im done.
im done kissing ass im done
i dont have to
i AM smart. i AM sttractive i DO have a good body
i have a fantastic personality and lots of ideas and good things to give to the world i dont have to be insiecure because HE so loved the world..
Im done. from now on im going to allow myself to be confident and love myself and be happy. if i dont like my body then i will change it. but its not disgusting.
i am me. i dont have to compare myself to anyone else and i dont need anyone elses approval im DONE!
cause when you chase people run IM DONE CHASING! i have all i freaking need i am DONE.

a different world

2011-06-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

man. no time to catch up on everything thats happened.
over spring break i met the boy of my dreams
were still together. havent been apart much since.
sometimes its a problem, most the time not.
everythings going really well i have some opportunities coming up.
but i am controlling them sometimes i wanna quit cuz it all feels like too much
jhust wanna stop getting on bodyspace, stop modeling, stop trying to compete and become someone
cuz i cant picture it happening
& i dont wanna be away from him
sometimes i wonder if i want this anymore
or if i was doing it cuz i was bored at one point
and am now just continuing even tho i dont need it anymore bc i wanna finish something for once
i think im gunna stick it out & try to win the Flex contest, see where that goes & see how my shoot with Wendi goes. Ive dreamed of shooting with her forever,
it does feel awesome when the pics come out good. but its a qwuick high then youre over it.
im dieting again. i think im just bored at the moment. its only day 3. day 1 i cracked but yday i was mostly perfect. i feel like i can do this this time
but i know what the problem is.
i think too much & i start second guessing my plan thinking it wont work
even if im getting good results
i start questioning it and then i just cave
so im gunna pray that doesnt happen this time I'd like to stay on this diet until I get about 8% bodyfat. Idk how Im gunna measure that but I know what I want my body to look like. anyway so I think Im just going to give my all for the flex, try to get as many votes as I can & leave it up to God. just say if you want me there help me win. & then shoot w/ Wendi, see if any of the magazines wanna publish me, just see where it goes if this is meant to be or not. I dont dislike my life now. I like it a lot. I just want to not have to worry about money that's all I would change. Like if I could work just one job that'd be nice. Or not have to work a steady job & do fitness modeling full time, but I dont wanna be away from garrisen that much. idk like if maybe Im too young & its gunna interfere with school.
He makes me happy. Im not missing anything
as long as Im keeping up with my workouts and eating right I feel good about myself
right now I feel strange but whatever. Anyway
God help me...i always feel like there's so much to do & I dont have enough time to do it. Like there's always some task hanging over my head. its honestly hard to fit workouts in everyday with work. Thank GOD i dont have school. Truth be told this fitness thing is like stressing me. Pursuing something with 3 jobs already is kinda like..a lot. I'd like to lounge more. I'd LOVE to eat more but we won't go there. But we'll see. Today i feel kinda fluffy. I look in the mirror and I know I look good but I really do wonder like..if I can look good enough by the time the shoot comes around. Then it makes me feel like..I cant. But instead of taking the "then why bother" route this time Im gunna just keep working like nothings different but the pressure is immense. maybe Im just having a moment. Im also having my special feminine time so that might be it. idk. in a wierd mood.
gotta go train my client and I feel crunched. Also, money. Like..Garrisens bdays coming up & I wanna get him a ps3 and a game to go with it. But i gotta buy stuff for the shoot & im just wondering like can I do it all but i know I need to tell myself & believe that its going to be okay. it will be. always it. worrying never helps. I just feel a slight level of anxiety all the time right now & I think I need to just reign it in. like..reenter the moment and become present because im all over the place. anyway lol not the best blog but thats the update on me right now.

another freaking tragedy

2011-03-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

im surprisingly calm about this,
maybe cuz it hasnt officially happened yet.
so...ever since my bday ex-bestfriend/otherhalf/super-potential has been acting up. basically avoiding me, ignoring me, wont come c me or really respond to me..
so today i told em i hate em
he said what why
& i said hed figure it out eventually
& he was like ok Michelle
so anyway long story short i was like dude r u aware that i legitimately like u & ur ruin my day sometimes theres no way youre that clueless
& he said he actually didnt.
what.
are you bloody serious right now?
so all that..all this time..you were just gassing me..
like..pretending to care what i do, pretending to care that i care what you do
just...gassing. & then on my bday he was all on me
& this whole time you didnt even think i liked you?which means you didnt like me..
& im dumb as heck thinking he really did. that if i wanted to talk to him seriously i could because he liked me & i was the only reason we didnt work
he never had any intention of anything otherwise
i thibk the reason im not bothered is cause it hasnt hit me yet
& he hasnt said it yet
but im pretty sure i just ruined everything.
i really didnt expect this at all. what THE flip.
im just gunna pray.
hes not even answering.
its so familiar now its sad.
i think i just need to...stay away from them
i like boys theyre fun & i really think affection & romance are the only 2 things that make life really worth living but i can get by
im getting eaten alive out her i gotta call it
i just cant do it.
i told em lets just pretend this convo never happened
asshole spoke to me earlier. first time hes ever chatted me
of course we argued,
i was like man hes always gunna be rude. but idk i can deal w. it
its the knowing he didnt like me that bothers me
but anyway. so yea. & i mean..the feelings come bavk so easily
i still like him. & its crazy too cuz i was talkin to lillie today bout how i dont understand why me & brandon didnt work
& how back in the day i never couldve imagined us being how we are now
we were so ride or die
but like now its hard for me to imagine us beign like that
when i look at him i still think hes so adorable
and yes i still miss him. & sadly, i would most likely still talk to him. pretty sure i would. even today i was hoping hed ask me to come over.
sigh, i really just think im the easiest person in the world to please
i just wanna talk to you & be with you
but no one. not one. out of the probably 20 diff guys ive talked to at this school, not one has worked. nto one. they dont ever really like me
not one time have i successfully captured someones heart. never. not once. it gets so old i cannot even tell you.
now i just...wanna turn away. im so tired of it
i try so hard to be optimistic. keep trying. give everyone a chance
& not think that just because literally not one single person in this world that i like likes me, that theres nothing wrong with me
but i dont wanna change i like me i really dont thin k there is anything wrong with me but im sad now.
like....how can you be so cold hearted
why am i such a burden to all of them ya know?
sorry i care..
it sucks when you are are is unattractive to people & you know theres a whole race of people looking for someone like you
back to alien status
i need to protect myself. honestly
im gunna have to just face the music & realize all these boys are the same
& its not gunna change i can never get it right
ill have a crush then ill be in love in a few days & theyre gunna think im annoying & be gone. or ill go and regret it. never ever ever is one of the people i like gunna like me in the same way. its gotta be a random occurence. & years from now.
i just lost all my interest in..everything.
i thought maybe id tell em, & hed tell me he liked me too...maybe come over
i just wanted him to come over all this time
great now hes texting back. i dont wanna read it
dumb boys. i told em to forget it ever happened, (which would probably be the best thing to do but obviously its not what i want) & hes probably gunna say ok lol
aint this some.. man lol
lemme gon n read this crap.
he said "why because i didnt get a chance to respond? ok michelle whatever you say goes".. dumb responses like that.
i dont care.
nothing works. how could it work ya know? honeslty?
theyre never there when i want. when i NEED someone to show me i can be loved.
only when they want. & i understand where theyre coming from
but they dont understand where i am. im trying not to lik..be sad & get unmotivated & this & that but i am. & i wanna go to bed.
like...i need to seriously seriously seriously...lock it up
once & for all...like forget boys exist
i want to not want them
i want to look right through them
i want them to mean nothing to me
then ...then they cant hurt me.
until everyones more mature & i wont get slabbed so much.
im gunna have to start lying to myself. saying whatever i have to untuil i believe it
cuz i really like him. but theres lots of people all over campus who have little pieces of me. IF ONLY just ONE of them would like me back. pretty sure theres...3. him, The Fallen, & asshole. any of them. just one, would do.
it sucks. every. single. time. never fails
right when i think things are about to get serious
its over soon after
right when i think ive found the one i end up with no one
& i need to get off them & just ignore their existance
all of them because theyre no good & they cant give me what i need
they have no intention of doing so & i cant mold them into my little mariennettes
i get on fb & assholes on & what do i do? of course i msg em
its not abnormal is it...to seek comfort when u feel alone in the world
but i seriously do the same dumb stuff voer & over expecting different results
insanity
i gotta get off & just. idk..go to bed i guess. whatever.
Lord please help me use this for good & take a new lease on life & restart livign for You & for me & never again for a stupid old boy.

a whole new world

2011-03-06T17:12:00.000-08:00

man ive come so far since the last post.
things really improved.
idk..one last fallout & i told the most recent asshole to go away.
couldnt do it
whoever i thought he was in the beginning
was just the introductory package you seem to get with everyone
before all the baggage & the non-benefits start to show.
fraudulent charges & whatnot,
anyway. yea hes a retard.
but yea i actually dipped back into the demon pot as well
no idea why. i think its because deep down i know im not wrong aboutt here being good in him. or the factt that someones gunna be lucky to have him
the way he sees me is warped tho
& he just doesnt like me
i mean i could defend or forgive anything he did if he felt how i wanted him to feel about me but im not that girl for him
so i dropped off the face for both those circles.
lost my job like..feb somthing. early feb.
that was the last time i seen him. or spoke to em.
cause he is just...warped.
anyway & the other one, yea anyway.
so i just been solo focused on school & working out
ive lost 7 pounds :) definitely at my best off season weight now.
exactly 8 weeks out tomorrow ill weigh myself in the morning its been a rough week im prrrraaaaayyyyying for 130.
but yea anyway. saw the Adjustment Bureau yday & it got me in this romantic mood i havent been in in forever
&...well remember back before i met The Fallen.
i prayed for a companion and i suspected that it might be this "friend" i had
but then got distracted by the Fallen.
ever since then its been back & forth with me & this person
trust issues that seem to never go away
hes a freaking gemini & hes all over the place & i feel like i cant rely on him
NOT to disappoint me
& i just feel like hes gunna break my heart even tho before he said he wouldnt
idk. i just wish i was the one hed think of
i thought i was
we got to the point we were seeing e/o so often. i miss that
& the other night when he came over
well for a long time i feel like i could only see him as a friend
there was more there. we get jealous of eachother
but like..i just couldnt see it going further bc i didnt know if i was physically attracted to him & we just cant seem to get on the right page
but like he came over on my bday & like..
it was like a whole new person.
NO that didnt happen lol but hes lowkey beasty & we actually do have good physical chemistry & now that that hole is filled in i am like.i havent stopped thinkign about em
& that movie was so romantic. out of all the ppl i talk to i thought of him & i wanted him to come over so bad last night but of course he wouldnt. boo.
its never when i want. only when they want,
got damn whats it take to get a reliable dude around here.
sheesh.
but yea...im trying not to talk to him. because im just tired of his bs & its not necessary for me to have that weakness in an undesirable area right now
because im doing well for myself..
& if i choose to focus and not chase..
then i will go far
& yes ill still be alone but ill have a life for myself
& my methods have not worked so far.
i seen on his twitter that hes goiung to the carnival tomorrow & im irritated that he never invites me anywhere.
like..i guess he just doesnt see us how i see us so its really like..
im calling it a code black.
i think this is drama & hatred waiting to happen because im positive hes that guy that will destroy me.
...so i need to try my best not to think about it & get self reabsorbed.
yea..there r others,
ive got some "suitors" right now. but no one id consider but him.
since he is a code black
i suppose i am still...superduper single. woop lol but im ok

termination

2011-02-03T14:02:00.000-08:00

so i got fired.
i really just...dont understand
they did me wrong
My aunt wants to take legal action.
im just in shock
& extremel;y hurt.
i dont wanna do anything but i have hw & ish.
God help me,

good day

2011-01-27T16:27:00.000-08:00

its always a good day til the night comes lol
seriously i dont even like coming to my room anymore. except late at night to sleep. its like..and i cant focus to study
my head is not i9n school right now
the video gets me excited sometimes
idk. its a lot in my head
i really feel like all i can do is chase things that make me happy at the moment
to get that temporary high
like i can never be just happy
i really think its gunna have to be love.
to love & be loved. i think thats the one thing that will actually complete me
idk how to do this be happy by yoursaelf thing
im just not lol like nothing is fun, i have no passion but for boys which is embarrassing and sad
like how low is my self esteem? i didnt think it was low anymore
but seriously the last couple days have been rough i been struggling this week
i feel fat everyday. seeing that scale go UP when i been bustingmy butt making hard choices for so long is like unbeaRable
all of a sudden im really aware of all my fat again
i can feel my rolls right now
& working out int he morning, i do not like at all. honestly
it took away my fruit at night which was enough to hold me over
& it just leaves so much space for doing nothing
& i just dont like it
not to the least but idc cause i cant do all those people
i think this guy at work kinda brought me down to
idk it wasnt a bad convo just too long and annoying
a lot of people like they talk to me..theres like 4 or 5 boysi know want to talk to me right now ands i do not have a single ounce of interest in any of them
i feel no connection
all i want is passion i dont wanna play house anymore with someone i dont like.
the only people i wanna be around lately are the fallen, etc.
even tho my ex son has lost his mind
i like them better,
we just laugh and have so much fun,
even though theyre obsessed with music,. theyre so talented
im getting used to it
i just wish it wasnt so easy for me to lean on people. its like i must.
& im not a fan why cant i be with someone, leave and go about my business without thinking of them
how could i possibly consider the fallen a prospect?
omg he doesnt even think he did me wrong. & his phone is full of girls he admitted it hes oin his dog ish right now
hes in complete denial
but idk we have fun & hes attractive im just glad to have my friend back right now & someone i can be with often
but i have cravings every night
every night. today i had half a hot dog and two buns
but i really wanna pig out i havent had that urge in forever but i wanna eat something that tastes good so bad
its just depressing to not see any results i feel like im getting worse im squishy & im just not happy about it right now
i pray its pms but seriously? like 2 weeks before my period? im nervous about the shoot. all together i just feel bad
its like as soon as i leave work it comes. the negativity
i just want to do stuff thats not good
chase boys. eat bad. its bad & idk whats wrong i need help before i sabotage myself,
uis this life? seriously. or is it just being young
when is it not going to be like this cause i effing hate it

ignoring the open door that leads to nowhere

2011-01-25T19:20:00.000-08:00

i want to. but i said i wouldnt, so im not.
im trying to not initiate anything ever with a boy. not to play games..but to..take back my life. to give power back to God.
so even if i recieve no immediate answer,
if im lonely i just gotta pray
if i need to talk ill talk to him.
just gotta turn to him for everything
even if it means i gotta sit here miserable knowing nothings gunna happen
when i could just do something myself to at least relieve the pain for the moment
it hasnt worked in the past.
im just gunna pray that he sees me down here turning to him instead of anything else
& eventually ill get a lasting solution
ill know hell come
i just know i have some time that im gunna be in silence and solitude
but i could go somewhere if i wanted
not without initiating
i could go to a friends or have someone over
theres boys i could text & talk to
if i wanted to fish for compliments but ppl cant help
theres no one i wanna see or talk to
the old crew is watching a show right now together
theyre there for me to go over there
& i still left my boots and my tooth brush
but i msged the fallen about it he didnt even answer obviously were not that cool
& i dont even really like them all that much or enjoy their company
all i want is attention from the fallen
so thats me using them as well
im trying not to use people
i didnt realize i was so guilty of it but theres lots of ppl i wouldnt speak to if they hadnt been close to the target of my affections at a point in time
sorry God..guess i have some dirt of my own.
i wanted to text one of them. try to get a invite cause i am bored & i dont have realy anything to do but effing schoolwork all night which is bout to be my life for a long time now.
til spring break i suppose.
cause thats when im allowing myself to..idk..maybe get back in the "dating" world. but not if i have to pursue. gues sill just wait til someone comes. but not like ok ill sit here and wait i mean give up pursuit forever. so someone can finally come to me
gotta get these hands as empty as possible
and make sure i have no baggage either
meaning i gotta get over door #2. & whatevers left for the fallen.
so that the newcomer will have none of that to deal with
i dont want anyone to feel how ive felt and i dont wanna rebound
ugh. anhyway.
said i wouldnt, so im not.

ive become so numb

2011-01-25T18:09:00.000-08:00

guess this is what happens when i dont have a "crush"
i feel no passion. ever. for anything
not in a positive way anyway
i did find today that what i LIKE to do is create & inspire
i like art.
so im still building on this photoshoot
i hope and pray it turns out as planned cause if it does its gunna be epic
went to eat, actually got steak and vegetables? #miraclefromGod
so. last night i went to another boys house
this is the second one in the past week really.
second time ive had someone i know i could have if i wanted
but kind of just i guess not really participated
these are people that would talk to me & give me everything i need
but i feel nothing.
its crazy to sit there & just see them..feeling..when i feel nothing
i mean absolkutely nothing not even to the slightest
i just wanna be alone i guess
as the feelins i had for door #2 fade..& turn to just.. resentment
thats the last of the feelings that were left in me.
when i look at them all i see nothing
no hope no salvation no purpose which i guess is good
im not even willing to try something new i dont like anyone
i dont feel anything
i guess i was right thats why i attract to the flame
cause its passion even if it burns at least i feel.
but there is a peace in this. there is no peace in the flame and i dont miss it
thereis not one single number that could pop up in that phone that would bring a smile to my face
guess its a good thing
no one has the power anymore. thank you God
i just need to remember when im bored just pray for God to help me get through it
because its not worse than how i feel after they wring me out & hang me up to dry.
but yea i dont feel a connection to any human being on the planet anymore
no one can put me to rest or at ease
i still feel like an alien
today God showed me a trick to be nice to customers tho
just picture everyone as my family
uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, family.
so i can at least bbe kind to strangers
even tho they are sztrangers. everyone i know.
except sandra. i do feel somewhat connected to actual family.
but i know were all family under God.
idk right now i just..soon as i walk up to my door i know its bout to be another pointless night
going over there last night did get me help w/ my practice test tho
& it got me out of the house instead of rotting in the bed for hours
so ..im just gunna keep praying God will give me things to get through everyday
& just write in this when i need to.
last night randomly door #2 texted me. i was wondering why. idk i just answered his ?s. bluntly but not rude just no detail. & then he got around to asking me bout the book.
wow. that really kinda surprised me and i wa slike if he didnt need this book he would have never ever even spoken to me.
& it just pissed me off. like..i bet you really did have to make urself text me
cause u know you needed the book.
& were probably dreading having to c me to get it
probably propose some random on campus meeting perhaps the library
that that was really all he texted me for.
sigh. yea it annoyed me a lot. made me lose what little respect i did have left for him
today i just gave it to antoinette. told him he could pick it up from their room when he needed it.
cause what..am i supposed to drop it off? come to cullen like i always do when hes never even been to my room? drop what im doing to cater to him knowing i cant even get some time he just wants the book.
& hes thinking id use that as an excuse to try to chill with him
guess what i dont want to see you. i dont.
youre rude and its unattractive. making me feel like youre how i should be. like i should just mold myself after you. like im too much of whatever i am to be good anough for you. & just need to chill in everyway. like my life revolves around you. it did. & in the past i surely would have but i see clearly now. i dont consider you a friend
you make me feel terrible youre never there for me & you contribute absolutely nothing positive to my life you dont even think highly of me how r we friends
maybe a long time from now you can ask me why
maybe ill feel like telling you
ill probably be so over it then i wont even wanna talk about it
cant wait. he said "ok then thats cool" yea. stupid. unappreciate and ungrateful just mean and disrespectful. i dont want to be so mad. i hope it goes away soon.
being so mad as so many diff. poeple. and my ex-son.
boys are not on my good side. i know theres nice ones & im trying my best to be nice to them i just dont want to see or be around them.
not even the fallen. all i can think is how cocky he is. how all these boys think theyre so imporant that theyre so much better than me. im over contributing to this monstrous ego. no way jose.
cant do it.
idk what you thought when you saw that. if it made you feel like i dont even wanna see you, good. if you feel rejected, it wasnt my intention, but whaTEVER. i dont think you feel anything for me ever at all and i really dk how i thought you ever did now im back in mode just trying to forget. i put it there and told u where it was so i dont even have to see you again & you have no excuse to speak to me. i cant wait til you dont exist in my life anymore.
and i cant wait til this resentment goes away. this unappreciated misunderstood outcastness. i dont like it.
but it really is better than trying so hard to be a part.
its much better to be numb than to feel that horrible pain
abnd to know that you no longer have power over me
God just please clinse me of this anger and all the regret and feeling so down on myself. so second best like anyone knows what theyre talking about.
hes on fb right now i just got off.
the questioni keep asking is what is the point!
but im free. free in the middle of nowhere all by myself but im free
ill find something. someone eventually
right now im fine by myself
i really am i like it
a lot. i just dont like the getting used to it. but this time i will. this time ill stay hidden. this time ill stay in my coccoon til im a butterfly.
im gunna pray more this time for God to guide me.
im just..mad and annoyed right now :( i feel so separate from everyone
and i just..dont trust.
one extreme to the other, so heres this extreme.
just gunna do my school work.

just one of those days

2011-01-24T16:08:00.000-08:00

i really do hate days like this,
tried to go to the rec
i cannot even describe to you how many people were there i almost burst into tears
i cannot do that mutlitude of people like come on..
i go to the gym to get away from ppl i hate it when its crowded i just left
that shit is just an anxiety attack
i feel like crap right now im not gunna lie i feelso freaking bad
so alone but i dont wanna be around random people wtf
no.
theyre like ants. SWARMING i want them away from me
i hate these lows. i feel like im gunna die. seriously
what a horrible day
now i gotta workout in the mornings because the rec is going to be filled to the brim with thousands of people i just cant do it sorry.
i like working out at the end of the day. a lot. but w/e.
guess ill go in the mornings :( i could go real late at night. like i probably will at like 10 tonight. but i dont like that really.
this is gunna throw off my routine. a LOT. but w/e.
ugh. i gotta just chilkl for a minute i need to calm down.
didnt get my meds. didnt get some of my books. too many errands & the rain made everything difficult. it was just one of those days. but i dont want a random rest day. i want to workout. so i guess since i dont gotta go to work til 12. i was planning on working out after and going to tutoring before. i guess ill switch it.
wakeup @ like 930 & go workout at 10. then come back & get ready for work.
& on the days when i go to school guess ill workout at 9.
its probably better. ill never see door #2 again (which i did just now)
or have to deal w/ anyone else and im pretty sure it wont be crowded at all
idk what this transition is...
but im just gunna hold onto my faith & know God can help me no matter how crazy i feel. deep breaths.

psychosis

2011-01-24T15:33:00.001-08:00

i seriously feel like a crackhead tryna come off crack.
i need my meds. let me go ahead & say that im pretty sure that is the root of all this. but while i dont have them let me tell you how it feels
im insane. seriously. stupid thoughts attack you all day long.
reality becomes just like..an idea. a perception
and its so off
so negative
its like mental HIV leaving you freaking susceptible to every psychotic disease imaginible and every mental fatality like wow
i just feel so off
like im suspended in mid air and idk if im gunna fall or not nothing to hold onto
living on this random planet and im the alien
no one speaks my language and im so isolated no matter who im around
they have nothing to offer me
and absolutely nothing can fill this huge imaginary hole
its like i know i need help
but i have no idea what kind
cant think of a single thing in the world that would make me happy
literally.
door #2 could text me right now
& tell me he misses me ask me to come over
i would feel nothing
just fear. like whens it gunna end ok its nice now but whens it gunna hurt cuz i kno it is
if i could use a few words to describe this its like
paranoia solitude hopelessness
the uncertainty is unbearable its like i dont even know my name
and im just constantly looking for a hit from some kind of escape mechanism
i calm down when i think about getting a tattoo
nothing else. has to be something extreme that makes me feel in control
im like..i look in the mirror & i love how i look today i did my makeup perfect
but whats the point of life like this seriously
whats the point of being drop dead gorgeous if youre invisible
if it cant get you love then whats the point
really.
being an awesome person with a good heart whats the point if it cant get you love
being smart, successful, having every freaking blessing known to man
all the friends everyone likes youn wants to be you
but its empty there is no fulfillment to be found
and you feel like the only person in the world who feels how you do
what is the point. when does life start
or where is this mental adjustment i can make right now to start living today
because i feel dead
everythings so freaking BORING
& i just feel like whats the point. i wanna have fun..but nothings fun.
no ones fun. talking to people is like a job.
everyone irritates me i just try to drown them out and pretend im as alone as i feel
make up my own imaginary world where things make sense
& its like the better of a person i am being..closer to what God wants me to be
i feel like it has so much to do with people
but i cant even be around them without becoming them
who the freak am i? this is not it.
all the stuff, all the surroundings, all the embellishment. it has nothing to do with my spirit
which is just being dimmed and contorted by everyone around me
being 20 years old is just not fun at all when youre caught between 5 and 30
there is no one i feel...akin to
at all
the only way i know how to feel ANYTHING is with boys
and without them, now that im trying to let that go,
its like there is nothing
im a freaking zombie
feigning interest
fading away
working for nothing because no matter what i do or achieve...
how did i get back here
dang.
miserable heartbroken
overly social
antisocial
is there a possible way to just be regular?
to just be stable
how long til that happens
i mean... what do i have to do
to feel...stable.
for a while i felt like i wokeup from the nightmare
now i feel like im in a coma
smh. just gunna keep praying. do what im supposed to & pray tomorrow will be better

the loneliness

2011-01-23T22:18:00.000-08:00

welp, nights are long.
trying to readjust.
life is good really. i cant complain. no problems, no stress, everythings under control. once again just bored
just gotta get back used to it thats all
stay in my books & focus on whats in front of me & literally not even consider whats not
im trying to take a break from boys. til spring break.
like everytime i think someones attractive just ignore it, because i need to aknowledge the vastness of the world and not think every single cute boy is the one
i mean i barely have standards
just a brief checklist that anyone im attracted to has to meet for minimum requirement & then i can mold em into mr perfect or become whoever i have to be to bring mr perfect out
i change for every guy that comes along & i dont want them to run my life anymore
im so desperate for love and affection
constantly rejected its like all ive ever known and im sick of it
its not worth it
none of anyone ive met is what i want or on my level at all
& im 100% willing to settle because otherwise i have to be alone
& i dont like that
i dont wanna need them. or even really want them
i dont wanna feel like somethings missing
like having a piece of crap is better than not having anyone at all cuz its not
its possible to be content without a boy
i know it is. it must be. & i will just have to train myself like a dog until i can do it
get used to bein alone, find ways to entertain myself
& zip up my heart so people cant see straight through me
stop lowering myself to mingle among the commoners
not that im like this awesome but whatever awesomeness i do have i put away to kiss up to the less awesome so that they will THINK im awesome which never works even though i am they never notice
right now i just feel like crap. i keep checking fb..idk why. went to him & all his friends pages..idk why
i feel so left out ya know? i cant get the time a day
its hard not to feel rejected when you are
but i know thats not my whole identity
but its like..thats what i feel
no matter whats going on i just feel that
its like since he doesnt think im good enough i dont feel good enough
i feel lonely and pathetic really
and im starting to feel boring again
like i have no life and no friends and dont do anything fun
i know thats not true i just have goals
and different interest
theres someone in this world that feels me
im convinced hes not between the ages of 18 and 22
its confusing and depressing and im so so so so sick of it
but im not even in the mood to entertain the folly anymore
i barely wanna get back on the pill cause i dont wanna have relations
everyone is just so disappointing ya know? i feel like an alien
like im alone in the world and no one will ever ever understand me
everyone i talk to its like the emptiest conversation
& its like what purpose does anyone serve at all
feels like they literally contribute nothing to my life
yet their absence leaves a hole. (i keep getting so distracted)
but yea. idk. i dont feel loved. i know there are ppl that love me.
& there are a lot of people that appreciate and think highly of me
if i died i know it would be a freakin tragedy
but like..when everyone YOU love doesnt love you
it gets to you. the rejection..im identified with it
idk how to not..idk how to break the cycle
i keep doin it. and its sunken in
i believe it now ya know?
ugh im just having a moment
but yea....maybe im getting closer to peace
church was good tonight
i actually went but i dont wanna go to the youth version anymore
they make me nervous theyre just too...social for me
people make me nervous strangers make me nervous
i know i gotta get it together. the msg really helped
now im just trying to get school stuff done.
im just SO lonely and i feel kinda hopeless
guess i just gotta tell myself again...theres great exciting times in life, then theres really painful times in life, and then theres just okay times where youre fine and nothings wrong and you might be bored
i know God is molding me right now
thats what this is. so thats a good thing
just gotta get through it
a lot of good happened today and im hopeful and excited about the future
feeling like im getting closer to myself
but futher from people and theyre losing their value
the college life is losing its value
but im tired of searching
i know God put me here with everything i need to survive so this hole must be imaginary
its like..all this time..i just wanted a freaking boyfriend
in highschool i always had one
havent had one since
& i cant stop looking i feel incomplete without a man
but shoot if going through this right now will break the spell & help me loive the rest of my life happy and loving myself unneedy and fulfilled with or without a man..
so be it. i can take it.
i feel like crap right now. like dang i really cant get a man. i feel like an outcast cause these are not my people they cant relate to me they may admire my thoughts but they dont understand them & im just tired of being so alone & unloved.
but anyway...on with life
foundout that i can eat sausage in my eggs & 2 tortillas for about the same amount of calories as a packet of oatmeal so i will be having breakfast tacos for breakfast everyday from now on til i get tired of it :)
got my pre cal notes bout to do some hw. i need to go to tutoring in the morning for this pre test so i can ditch the old stuff & worry bout what im learning right now. i dont want to :( id have to get up real early but shoot it needs to be done. articles are done. still got some reading for bio im thinking i'll do tomorrow.
but tomorrow will be a productive day, if i go to tutoring, get my books and my meds, then ill pretty much be set for a while.
church made me reconsider the thinking for my shoot. i wanna convey a different message. not of bitterness, but of loving yourself. anyway..im wide awake
so im gunan go do the other things on my list & get it out the way

endings & beginnings

2011-01-22T19:29:00.000-08:00

where do i start lol. i guess ill start w/ yday. i got a little while to write before im back on my study grind. ..the only thing i have to do EVER right now lol
anywayyy ok
well as suspected, the most recent prospect(now void) ..we'll call him door #2. yes its the same one i been talking bout since november.
k anyway door # 1...i dont even know. its like he is repulsed by me honestly lol he never texts me. i get this vibe from him like i should really just pretend we never met which is what i intend to do from now on. he never gets on fb, hasnt updated his status in a week & there is minimal recent activity. idk WHAT hes been doing.
anyway yday i was in that housing establishment going to visit my sons room (the other ppl that live in it)
& i seen the drunk freshman coming down the stairs.
i didnt know if she lived there or not so i texted door #2 to see if he was in his room thinkin "LET ME FIND OUT" but anyway. no text back for probably an hr & a half.
supposedly he was sleep. anyway so it bothered me. im at the get together feeling left out unwanted & solumn & i texted em to ask if they were still talking. blah blah basically no & she lives in cullen. but seriously the way he responds to me im starting to get the hint. exact answers. so friendliness its like we're not even cool & im really wondering why? but eff it i wont play wit it.
i was just like..ugh. i didnt know anyone & everyone was drunk. laaaater everyone started showing up & yes i had a blast flirting with every viable flirtee.
ohhh and before i went over to the get together i was with the devil and his cohorts. for the purposes of CHANGING CIRCUMSTANCES i will now refer to him as "the fallen" until i come up with someone better. anyway so i was with him & the rest of em in the room. they showed up later & i gushed over his adorable outfit and made him come in so i could show everyone how cute he was lol
for the record, im not really physically impressed with him anymore. i think its just a need to be close to someone who really knows me since door #2 was my most recent "comfort zone" i am now having to step out of.
but yea.. i had fun at the party. i like being single. as long as im occupied when i wanna be lol thats really what it is. i would prefer to have someone reliable that i can turn to to talk when i want to. or be with when i want. i want to be alone most the time. but when i dont, i want to have someone to contact. thats it lol
but door #2 doesnt provide that. he doesnt provide anything. the physical activities once they proceed to their full potential never last long enough anyway & its just not.. like top notch ya know? which id b willing to deal with were i getting the attention & affection i want but im basically getting diddly squat. i cant even get a text lol i mean i want to talk to this person
tell em stuff. discuss stuff. be close to em. 2 months later no progress has been made.
if anything progress has been lost.
so im takin a L & i just try to stay occupied as time goes on & i get further from the situation
next thing i know itll have been a month that we havent spoken
i mean i didnt the same thing with the devil child in his former form
i made him my whole world & meanwhile forgot that i had my own world
all i had to do was open my eyes and see it
we dont f with the same ppl i never have to see him if i dont want to
hes not socially important and no one even knew we were talking
so i really escaped unharmed & im glad i wasted the break and not time during school
alltogether its a win win hes happy & im getting there
so yea. ill just try to pretend it never happened.
meanwhile..so i was over there with them last night. having a really good time feeling comfortable & whatnot. then like it got to the point me & the fallen were actually talking. everyone was laughing & having fun. we were in the bed & i was tryna fall asleep on his arm & his phone rings & he runs into the living room & i waited but he never came back & i couldnt sleep so i tried to leave i went in the restroom looking for my boot & when i was getting my stuff off the counter i heard him from the couch askin me if i was leavin & i said yea i cant sleep & he said me neither
so i sat down & listened to em talk
he told me a lot. about her (ex-baby mama) that she had called, etc. everything he had learned from the situation and what he thought about it now.
idk. i like listening to him but i also just like being the one he tells
but yea i talked a little too. i forgot hes a good listener too. idk. i told em it was a relief to talk to him. & that i still feel like..were the same. idk how but theres something. but thatll be the last i say.
i dont want him to think i still like him so i know i gotta hop off
but i wouldnt mind us being friends cause he fits the bill for all the stuff i said
i dont want anything physical with anyone
i mean unless its just kissing thats fine
but the whole thing, no. i just wanna be without right now
it messes everything up & im over it
but yea... i just want someone to be around & talk to all the time & i know he could be the best friend type
i think i just miss having an extremely fine best friend like i used to lol
but yea idk. theres always this other person. but anyway
so thats what was on my mind. at the end of the night he put me at ease which was crazy cuz that is normally the opposite of what he does
i wanted to go over there today too but i really do have work i need to do.
homework, etc. & i know i cant be all on their tip like i used to
i dont want to really
when i say im no longer attracted to him im not
thats not what i want at all
im way too masculine to be with someone that feminine
& i hate the music crap
the unrealistic dream stuff makes me uncomfortable
& theres just a lot hes the opposite of what i want
hes just somewhat pretty to look at and someone to flirt with
but yea. so im getting to know myself more
& as i do i like myself more
my confidence is going up. hairs growing (thank God)
but its moreso like my inner workings that i find valuable
even more than the outside but im having fun with that too
anyway the going out & ish im over, planning to go back into hiding
come out about once a month to relieve my socially hyperactivity. with little socialisms in between if im invited. but yea i just wanna get back closer to God & center my life correctly. continue soul searching, get stronger
be better.
oh yea i think i wanna go into medicine.
as of now, im planning to get my nutrition degree so i can work while i earn my biochem degree & hopefully after that go to med school.
which puts me in school forever but for now why not
i cant plan my life for getting married & having kids cause i have no idea when thats gunna happen ive done that way too much
but yea so im happy right now doing well. back on track
especially with my weight. im doing very well in that aspect
tyG for regulating everything daily i love u k gonna go work now

letting it fade away

2011-01-20T21:44:00.000-08:00

eh, things come & go
tyG for giving me peace
& my sense of self back just..in the fact that i am who i am period.
its nice to know again
still trying to draw back closer to Him
i got off track for so long
ive made progress in all other areas except the most important
about to read scripture now & try to get back in the routine
im excited for tomorrow to be over so i can go back into hiding
havent texted or talked to the boy since um. tuesday?
im happy actually
i feel myself starting to get over him. now all i gotta do is let myself
if i can just get into my books & my structure, i wont have time for a boy anyway
got a shoot planned for vday. well before, but the pics will be up
kind of an f love shoot. to redeclare myself. cant wait its gunna be great
just spent like 2 hours organizing my life for school
i love doing that
it makes me feel in control..shoot even if im not
but an update.
boys..are a distraction,
if i just live life & do what im supposed to & participate mentally in my life..i wont have time for one
as for THE boy, idk. i feel us slipping away.
i feel like we've gone as far as we can
we had fun when we were "talking" but i dont feel progress upto this point is up to par
& im just now entertaining the idea that were not meant to be
i prolonged it as long as i could but it doesnt hurt anymore
id be happy if he felt the way i need him to feel about me
but he doesnt & its not something you grow into
its something thats already there that u just dig deeper into over time
im thinking the reaosn im so into him is lack of selection as usual
so im just waiting for a new prospect
but at the same time..i dont even want to get close to someone new
seeing where it goes (nowhere)
so im good. just wanna be over him completely so i can go on with life
i mean itll be fine to have that little unfinished business & someone to impress when u go out
& someone to flirt w/ if u see em
but im over thinking its gunna be more
were on different pages in life, basically in different books
its not his fault or mine guess it just isnt what i thought itd be
but hey, whatever. lifes not over
i might see em tomorrow @ lillies pre game. might not. im not expecting anything
had a convo with God yday about helping me not contact him
caus ei know its gunna b like..i want someone to go back to afterwards cause everyones gunna go their separate ways to all their different boos
& im gunna want one. but eh, im done doing it
im not happy with any of my current..whatever they are
especially this one. we should b closer by now
i just wanna talk to em everyday. tell e/o everything. be best friends over anything
but were just acquaintances with the occasional intimate slip up every now & then
im not convinced he has any intentions of furthering it ever.
& im interested to see how long we go without talking from here lol
i seriously think it could b two weeks before i see em again & itll be by accident if i dont tomorrow. pretty sure hell be there. but anyway
tyG cause i think about em less & less & when i do its just realizations of how different reality is from my previous thoughts.
thank you for releasing me from the nightmare.
things are getting back to normal
im loving him less everyday
and loving myself more
really:) which is awesome!
i do have a crush. shoot but i dont c that going anywhere lol
ps though...he hasnt updated his fb status since...idk maybe last week? tuesday maybe? he gets on but only briefly i think on his phone to do little stuff,.
his classes are all like easy core stuff. i guess he plays bball at night idk what hes been doin. but hes def been "busy" smh lol

better

2011-01-19T18:29:00.000-08:00

wow..looking at blogs from the past i was really delusional
i hate it when im like that
anyway long story short it got to the point i made em talk on 'day 5" and he said he thought it would "better us" if we were just friends & he wanted to go back to how we were. which is what i wanted too. things have gotten better
but he hasnt changed much
i have
ive just loosened up
i dont make lovey statuses anymore
even though if i wanna write on his wall or like a pic or comment i just do it now
& most the time if i wanna text em i just do
sometimes he texts me
which is an improvement
its better than when we were officially talking i can say that
i dont sit around paranoid anymore but its more God has given me the strength to just not let myself do it
i try to focus on other things
& since were not..wll idk if we are, but if were not which i dont think we are
talking,
i have no right to do a lot of the things i used to. so i just chill & pretend not to care
finally got to go over there after the plex
we didnt talk about "us"
it was really just like old times but after a while he did get like..idk on me
i cant say it was the most affectionate thing in the world
i get his humor now so i dont find him as rude as i used to though hes definitely never just out right sweet
we just fought (play fight) & fake argued
he did bring up me dancing on the other void prospect (he doesnt know hes a void prospect) but he brought it up twice in a reproachful tone which made me think he might have cared
i did see him watching me several times
i wanted to b around him & i did want him there im not gunna lie
BUT i went about my own thing i ddint talk to em once we got in the party
i talked to em after though
told em to tell me when he got back & he did
so i went over there
we were just looking up his classes & watching tv at first
then we were fighting
then we were just talking about whos friends with who & this & that
i remember now thats how we got to know e/o
hes a good listener
we talked about how i never go out & how im not that close to some peeople
and how i used to be when i first came
& he was like 'thats good you grew up though' i was like 'i changed a lot" and he was like 'for the better though" and it was cool after that we were just laying there kinda cuddled up. at first he told me to come here and i wouldnt then he turned over & i waited but he was going to sleep so i made em wakeup and i was like "wutcha doin" lol and he was like" what..layin down..haha what you doin" lol i was like ';dont go to sleep" he was like 'well shit since u over there chillin" lol so..idk i felt a little like he might want to take advantage of the time with me idk i feel mixed emotions about the whole thing. but yea we were just hugged up & he was rubbing the small of my back & i was rubbing the back of his neck while we were talking. then idk how we got past talking. oh yea idk i turned over & i wasnt facing him. & he was like feeling my face & then my lips thats how it went on haah
i still feel chills when he touches me. but we didnt get into the usual cuddle position from the git. i was laying on top of the covers at first. and he had to kind of playfully force his way into usbeing in a more intimate position.
i mean the way i feel is different from how i normally feel. im not all lovey dovey like i was thank you Lord that is a 100% miracle. I still like him. a lot. & if i could choose someone to be with it would be him, but i still want us to get closer. i still feel like we should naturally be closer than we are now by this point & i do get the feeling sometimes that there is no opportunity for advancement, ive just never seen it happen. i didnt do the "were just friends" thing. probably shouldve. but like, as friends, hes not allowed to say anything about who i dance with or anything i do. that made me think he does somewhat associate himself with me im not quite sure. idk if he was just sayin whatever. but he brought it up. and afterwards like outside the party he hugged me and felt my back and was like "dang youre sweaty u musta been working." so it was a good 2-3 times he brought it up i didnt defend myself (thank you God for helping me be cool) cause i dont have to. & i didnt chop him up about anything. but he was sayin he was just chillin (the usual thirsty drunk freshman wasnt there) so i was like just cause your normal groupies werent there and he was like 'there were girls there" so he acted like he made it a point that i was dancing and he wasnt. like it was a personal choice. i mean these are just things that if i thought he still liked and wanted to talk to me, would serve as confirmation. but i guess i could assume that theres still something just from the fact that i was over there. he told me two girls slept in his bed the night before randomly. & he slept on the couch? lol but yea. oh and when i told em where randall lived (that it was a boy) he got quiet. idk. he never struck me as the jealous type so im like blah whatever lol idk what it is im not assuming anything he doesnt tell me. it surprised me tho when i went over there he was all in bed & shirtless watchin tv super comfortable like he expected me to spend the night and i actually wasnt planning on it. so i guess hes kinda used to me too. at this point thats my only concern. im over the trust issues. i know he could do whatever and i either wouldnt know or would have to find out the hard way, i mean theres a chance. theres no proof for good or bad. so im not like "oh he would never" do anything. but im over that paranoia stuff cuz if he decides to do me wrong it wont be because of me. ive been on my best behavior ive been nothing but nice. & i never trip on him about anything.
i just worry that maybe hes so comfortable like..im just..kinda there at this point. like if some new pretty girl comes along for him to get to know, im gunna be left behind because i mean we already know eachother. im not new and exciting to him. i dont think. i feel like on his part theres no passion. when we are kissing & this & that yea theres passion but boys can duplicate that with anyone theyre attracted to. so im just tryin to go about life & not think about it. i dont feel incredibly welcome or wanted at the time..idk. im not trippin. tyG. i mean..if we are 'talking" still, i believe that if i make it past this month we will have been talking longer than him & anyone else at this school. & hes already made it for the longest ive talked to anyone continuously. so..yea. idk. things went down. like i said, i dont distrust em anymore. i feel like we made it through a lot. now i guess i just gotta let it see where it goes. see if it gets better or if it just dies off and either way let it be. i dont wanna be without em. idk. i guess i just dont have anyone else right now. & i do like him. i dont wanna accept that you know its just.. not gunna happen ever. but at the same time im not trippi on a title right now. i just wanna get to the point where we talk every day. tell eachother everything. you know, get some collateral. so that i know im a crucial part of his life and hes a crucial part of mine. i want us to be best friends. i still look at his fb. but not as often. mostly just to see what hes doin. i did text em yday. just to c how his first day was. the convo was cool nothin special. i did tell em he needs to come to MY room one of these days but he aint say nothin. i think im just gunna give up on us ever having a meaningful conversation via text lol. im just getting usedto how he is hes an in person or not at all type person. do i want something more.. MORE.? yes. but like i said. right now, i like him & i think he likes me. im not gunna turn down other options for him. speaking of. today, let another OLD "option" kinda of take its course. nothing to write home about. i did think about him the whole time though & it made me realize if its someone i know right now, i dont want em if its not him. if i meet someone new maybe but like..idk. i just want him more consistently. hes not reliable right now. idont have any collateral & i would really like to have some. i just hope that if someone moves on first its me cause i dont wanna feel that again. i have been thinking about valentines day. i think im gunna wait til like 1 week before & see where things are before i pursue other options lol i already have a friend in mine. if i decide to care. i might now. i mean every year i would love to have someone. i want flowers and a bear and to feel special. at one point i thought maybe wed be official by then. HA. haha i laugh at that now i really do. theres no way. i dont c us doing that..period now. we'll see. things can change drastically overnight who knows what almost a month could do. but im not gunna hint. or hope. or pray about it. i just wanna be at peace with things as they are. however they are at any given time. right now the only thing i would change about us is that id have us talking more. like everyday and more often. but im cool. im not gunna ponder all the ppl he could be talking to or what he could b doing. i know if i wanted to know i could ask and he would tell me. he hasnt been on fb the last thing on his wall is a post from me :) but yea um im just gunna guess he went to class & is playing basketball. the only thing other than that ive even heard of him doing is playing video games with malik. I thank God for the confidence ive gained. im pretty sure im the best he could do. surely im the best option he has credential wise and lookwise and by rating of heart. but its about who youre attracted to. i dont take that away from how i view myself though. i know i have a lot to offer thats not my concern. i just think right now hes not trippin on a girl. i think before i was just remembering like getting swept off your feet by somebody you really like that makes you want to cuff. andi was like man if its not me someones gunna come along, and they still might. i hope they dont but i cant stop em. i just.. hope that if the bug does bite him its with me. i think it already bit me and im recovering now lol but yea im just gunna focus on school & not getting too caught up because if i give school my 100% anyway, im not gunna have time to be how i want us to be. i could make time but i probably wont need to. ugh i wish he was the LEAST bit romantic i really would die if i got a bear and flowers on vday. but were just..not like that. were basically friends with benefits at this point. its not my dream coem true but thats just my interpretation. and i dont wanna be alone and thats what i have right now. its crazy i can literally picture like if i dont text him, us like not talking for a good two weeks. especially not seeing eachother i think thats just about over. ill probably see him friday at lillies pre game. POSSIBLY tomorrow at her bday dinner im not sure. everyones broke right now lol im hoping that on friday if hes there maybe we can have a repeat of monday (except better.) but idk its a long shot. i actually didnt text em today. i wanted to as soon as old prospect left because i was wondering if hed careif he found out. would he be like WHAT and never talk to me again. i think hed care. but yea, we'll see. ill give it a few days and see if he says anything. but as for everything weve been doing a lot better. we dont normally go a full day without talking. its usually me but every now and then its him. or he'll like a facebook status or a pic or something. & im getting close to all his friends. i tried a little in the beginning but its not hard theyre all super cool. especially door # 1 that ish just happens. hes the closest one. him & his gal r so cute man i wish he would be an influence on his friend lol but shrug. who knows. anyway. i just hope things get better and we get closer not further apart as school goes on because if it can be considered cumulative we have almost been talking for two months. & if it matters, he still feels new and exciting to me. :) anyway kbye

help me let em go

2011-01-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

God just helpe me let em go.
when i look at his pics now. and his videos
hes already got his whole life, i dont fit
before, idk when you both like e/o you make adjustments
it just happens
you meet their friends
yall meet halfway
they just include you
its the intertwinement of lives
when youre apart it all seems so complicated
and im like what was i thinking? how did i think this would work
this is just a guy you liked that showed you some attention
thats about it
and we didnt even make it into the new year
if it was gunna work why would it break down so early
he did this. not me
i fought to keep it
its what he wanted
hes not even like that
hes not romantic
i keep going thru my memory, reliving mo0ments to see what i saw in him
what made me think we could be all this
ididnt draw the conclusion out of thin air
it was the old him
he WAS sweet
he always let me win
hed give me my way to make me happy
he spoiled me
we had amazing times together
i guess mostly when we were alone but at the plex that was fun
idk
i miss that. that was a LONG time ago tho
i a LONG time ago
LONG
almost a month. :( wow, its been THAT long. yea. it has. that loong since we were doing good & that long since weve even seen eachother
and he doesnt even miss me
gosh, yea girl
he sure did like you
psh
do you want a guy that wont tell you he misses you?
that will never gal you
that starves you for affection
he just led me on. sigh
idk what the deal is. all i know is i gotta keep moving toward getting over him
God just help me let em go its for my own good
cause if i get my hopes up
thinking hes gunna come for me
and save me
and ...the same thing that always happens
happens,
its gunna hurt worse the second time
it always does
i cant give him the upper hand
they dont use it to fix things
they just take it and i feel dumb
i cant give anymore
i wanna be with him. but i cant have what i want can i?
i want his heart. more than anything
but i cant have that
so God just help me be strong & let him go

undeniably better day

2011-01-05T20:37:00.000-08:00

yesterday was good. i just had a brief spout of depression at work. so i guess "day 1" wasnt so horrible. & i did sleep...after a little bit of fantasizing.
i shouldnt have let myself but it wasnt that bad
i didnt dream about em
i was like eff it if im gunna cry myself to sleep anyway
and im not gunna die..so i just
i guess dreamed about what it would be like if he was how i thought
if he had been freakin out all this time
& somehow could read my mind & was suddenly just aware of what i wanted
[im gunna describe how the daydream went then ill go back to today]
anyway so i guess he told me to come over there? anyway after i had been worn down i guess. so i drive to cullen. he meets me at the gate. theres all kind of like passion and that "pull" in the hair. ive been crying & he can tell, theres still like wetness & mascara mess but its not ugly lol (of course not its a dream)
but yea and he just sees me and hes like ..omg r u crying & he of course like puts his arms around me & pulls me to his chest (where my head is on him lol)
and just holds me there & i cry a little more & he just keeps saying im so sorry
michelle...stop crying. im so sorry...omg and i can picture his face
like holding me and looking up and around like "wow what do i do"
but he really does feel bad then he pulls me back and wipes my tears and holds my face and looks me like dead in the eyes and says michelle..i am really, really sorry
and i just look down and he lifts up my chin with his perfect touch, Gah i always wanted a guy that could get away with smooth ish like that. i promise he looks like he would b the lamest do but he is super smooth like wtf. anyway
and he pulls my chin up and looks at me and says. im sorry..i didnt know it hurt you that much. do you believe me. and i cry a little more & knod my head & he takes my hand and walks me to the room. then were in the room or w/e & the tvs off and im sitting against the pillow with my knees against my chest and hands around them and we just talk i guess. then he asks me will i please lay down so i do. i turn away & we get like we usually are. Oh dear God in those heaven sent arms. you should have to pay to lay in those arms. anyway, so yea ..everytime i keep writing i look at my phone. he hasnt texted me today. smh. idk why the hell i felt like we have this effing mind connection. like he has EVER felt my pain. EVER felt himself losing me. EVER EVER EVER texted me when i needed him to or been there when i needed him at all. my stupid fairy mind. anyway, the dream is ten times better than reality is or ever will be. i should really write a book but whatever indulge me for a minute.
so i lay down with him and im laying the opposite way for a while like we usually do. and hes rubbing me but not the same as always. its different now. with every touch of his fingertip to my skin i can feel his soul flooding onto me. the same way mine flows onto him everytime i lay there with him. but before, im pretty sure he never felt it. i feel the passion this time. i can tell that he values me and is cherishing this moment like i am. he is laying there thanking God for a second chance praying i never leave him again. its like were both glowing. and im just laying there like..idk basking in it. taken aback by the feelings. He squeezes me tight like he never wants the moment to end. finally its mutual. then he just rubs my arm. finally noticing how soft my skin is. and leans into my neck and right before he kisses it more gently than ever, he stops to take in how good i smell. he never notice before how good i smell. he kisses me several times on the neck and shoulder but just..thankful kisses. the way you kiss something you have missed dearly. and i feel like i have died and gone to heaven. theres pain but its good because he feels it too. and he just lays his cheek on my shoulder and leans over me. kind of to see what im doing. and as he pulls back my hair he feels how nice and soft it is. hes noticing everything now. it feels like he was blind before and can suddenly see. then he says michelle and i say what..and he says can you look at me. and i kind of turn then he turns me over and he just like holds me real real close and pets my hair and i can feel us both breath in with that deep breath of relief..like youve waited forever for air again. & he just asks me if im still thinking bout it and im like..no. and he says can you please forgive me. can we just go back to how we were. and i say idk..how can i trust you. you didnt want me..you just..ignored me you erased me. swatted me away like a bug and then acted like i was stranged for being bothered. you silenced me by ignoring me and made me feel so invisible. i was so sad for so long and im finally getting better you just wanna come back and make more promises just so you can break em. and he starts telling me EXACTLY LIKE OMG THE PERFECT THING FOR HIM TO SAY. he just says Michelle..look idk what i was thinking. i wasnt thinking i was just doing whatever i guess just working and being with my friends i just..didnt realize what i had waiting for me and i never saw it as that big of a deal. i was stupid idk what to say. im so sorry. i know i messed up if i coul;d take it back believe me i would. i just didnt know i hurt you like that. really..you think i dont care you think i dont feel bad but i do. i do think about you. i didnt expect you to just stop talking to me and when u did like i couldnt just forget. i havent gone and started talking to some other girl i been just trying to think of ways to talk to you. if you just give me one more chance i promise it wont be the same. i will make it up to you. and i say i njust dk and he says why wont you look at me and he sees that im crying and wipes my tears again and (this is what makes me want to DIE at this point) he says baby...and i like breath real hard and i feel the pull so much cause i have always wanted him to call me that and i never thought he would..ever. and i just look at him crazy and he says what i cant cal you baby. you know you my baby i know you know that and im like...just speechless. and its like the climax at this point theres so much freaking romantic tension in the air im pulled to so many different emotions. i feel like blessed to have this effing movie moment and then shocked that its happening and scared that its not even real. and he just looks at me and says i know i havent treated you right. i know that now i guess i ddint see it before i wasnt really paying attention. but you havent talked to me in so long and its been driving me crazy. i just let shit go i dont be trippin especially not over a girl but when youre mad at me like i just cant leave it alone. i never just felt like that before. not in a long time. i was like damn i cant believe she left me. then i would think about all the stuff you said and suddenly i started to be able to relate to what u were telling me. i was like why is she so mad. and i realized u were right. i didnt come thru on my promises i really just ignored you and i am truly sorry like.. it was like this epiphany. i never wated a girl. didnt really feel like i had time. i was just always so caught up with school and i guess my friends. but you..all i could think about was all this random stuff. how fine you were. how fucking hilarious you are. all the goofy shit you do. and like moments like this layin in my bed doin whatever. and youre smart and you got goals you work youre not lazy. you dont be in no drama. i admit i used to get annoyed when ud b trippin bout random stuff but i see it was because you cared. i know a lot of girls may like me or whatever but i dont know if any of em just cared like you did. or were as fun or just perfect. i remember when you told me you thoufght i was perfect. these past couple days or weeks or whatever. i realized thats you. youre perfect. and i was wrong to toss neglect you like i did. i shouldve treated you better. i know you dont trust me and i know why. i messed up. but if you just give it a second chance. ill prove to you i care. and im just layin there like idk what to do hes tellin me everything i wanna hear but my mind is all over the place like man i been fine without you why go back he has never come through before what makes it different telling ymself over and over michelle be smart lifes not a fairytale lifes not a fairytale lifes not a fairytale and i just say..brandon like it tooks me so long just to be ok. i wanted to be with you brandon. i was just waiting for you to ask me but you made me feel..so not good enough. and hes like i knooow im sorry. and im like i feel like were really just not on the right page we dont want the same thing im not tryna go thru this again i just wanna be happy. and he says i dont make you happy? and i said..you did. and he says you wont let me make you happy again? do you still want to be with me? and i just..look down. and curl up against his chest and he says oh my goodness why do u keep doing that and he pulls me up and im like omg hes so strong uughh sexy ass lol and he makes me look at him and he says do you want to be my girlfriend. and im lookin at him like ugh nigga dont be stupid and i say brandon. like omg that shit is rude u didnt want nothin to do with me u didnt have time for me before now u expect me to believe u want me to be your girlfriend just because what i was mad/? thats like tellin someone they won the lottery and then say SYKE! thats mean dont play with me u aint fitna change that relationship status and he says oh my goodnesss and kind of rolls over and hes like you dont believe me why would i say something like that michelle think about it im not trippin on no facebook ill change it right now and im like ..ur fuckin serious? and hes like well now dang.and im like ok do you just wanna know or are you saying WILL I? na dhe says omg. youre difficult. WILL YOU? and i say, if youre serious, yes. and he says THANK YOU. geez. and i just turn over so i can cheeeeese so hard and almost cry and just thank the LORD because i cannot believe this is happening and 2011 is the best year ever and this is the best night of my life! & after that he turns over too and says wuchu smilin about and i say dang im happy can i be happy shit! and he says yea im glad you finally are. if youre happy im happy then he kisses me on my neck and then like idk it goes from there. he comes closer to me and i push my hips back on em. and he starts rubbin on my sides and pullin my hips against him and kissin on my neck and were both breathing hard and he turns me over and we start kissing and its like..better than ever and i feel like i dont even deserve to be this happy. i wrap my arms completely around his neck and he pulls my legs around his back and were just rollin around kissin and stuff and im like you better not change your mind in the morning and he looks at me like psh and he says i wont and goes about whatever. and you know it goes from there lol..
i had SO many dreams about us. just..being best friends. being well known for being together and being that couple that like when someone says they like brandon whoever they told is gon tell em bout me and basically say good luck with that one. takin pics everywhere we go. him asking me if i wanna come with him to freaking whataburger just to have me in the car. allll his friends knowin who i am. everyone bein able to tell when we have problems cause he gets all upset and his friends ask me michelle what is goin on with you and brandon. to be able to put a whole album dedicated to us and lovey statuses gallore. valentines day is coming up. then theres my bday. birthday dinner him sitting next to me meeting my family and stuff. he doesnt have to come to my competition but if he did hed ride with me and if he didnt come hed be texting me all day and make a status like good luck to my girl in her competition today shes gunna win. and like his friends be able to make fun of him like nigga you sprung. and for us to be the last one standing. when everyone breaks up, we gon make it. cause no matter what we go thru our feelings get deeper everyday and we cannotlive regular happy lives without eachother. til i know everrything about this man and he knows everything about me. when im mad about something i text him and he says smh what happened now and i tell em and hes like ugh but he listens. i go workout and then watch him play basketball. bring em food home from work. then theres padre. relays. it would be so fun. we could be in the same place but not have to be all on eachothers tips. i could loosen up if he would TIGHTEN up. but thats just me, im always willing to be better for him. i care enough to try to keep him.
it sounds nice doesnt it? anyone reading would smile and be like ahh its like a dream! too bad it is. too too bad. cause we really could be so perfect.
im trying.
to force myself to accept reality
instead of trying to mold it into my little fantasies
i know my daydreams have destroyed relationships
but my mind only creates stimulus where there is none
my delusions only happen when reality is not doing the trick
whenever we were closer, i just reinacted real life in my brain
let me make it clear he was MORE than enough
all i wanted was more of what we already had
ill still always wonder why. if he liked me then why did he neglect me why ignore me and put everything under the sun before me
but if he didnt like me, why stay? is that what he does with all girls
i thought about it last night what it would be like for him
if this time of me not speaking to him would make him like me more or less
if he would compare girls to me or not
like i know im a good kisser. among other things.
i know my physical-stuff style is different and usual tends to be more advanced than the average guirl my age. feels like most other girls if it gets to that point would surely be boring they dont participate as much
(still keep checking the phone)
anyway. and i wonder if he has good chemistry with everyone. like does he chill with everyone like he chilled with me? he talked to taylor apparently for a good montha and a half maybe more so its like..they lasted longer than us. it is 100% possible that he liked her more. or maybe she just wasnt as "needy"
idk. it takes me a while to come down from the fairy tales
but today was cool.
i think im still a little buzzed because he texted me yday
i try not to think about it but im probably only less miserable because i thought he didnt care at ALL. and the fact that he texted me shows i at least crossed his mind
i commented on maliks pic today and mikes status (his friends) so i feel like its only a matter of time til he notices im never on his timeline or clicks on my picture. to see if i have my phone maybe after a couple days pass and i still havent texted back
i cant imagine him texting me again after i ignored him yesterday especially if he knows i deliberately ignored him
too proud. he aint beggin for shit
i know he cares when ppl r mad at him but i think if he sees i deleted him hell probably just be mad at me. at least at first. and be like okay its beef. now that i think about it, it was a little crucial. but im sorry ive felt so much better since i did it if im supposed to b getting over him why does it matter.
its gunna define "us" really. its gunna show if he ever cared. if he can just let me go without so much as a plea, then as insulting as that is, ill just be gone and eventually ill be over him. little by little every day my image of him gets lower. and i accept his heartlessness. little by little.
obviously i still like him.
i still daydream. its still hard to separate it. but..im trying
didnt cry today
didnt even have the urge
im not sad. right now.
i feel like it could get ugly.
when he sees that i deleted him it could get ugly.
and if he ever does decide to fight me on it ...which honestly, id probably love but not if hes just gunna stay the same. i wanna get close to him not further and i dont wanna like get close just long enough to keep me on board then go back to neglect. id freaking LOVE for him to feel bad and wanna make it up to me. duh.
im trying to adjust to the idea that thats not going to happen. because there is a HUGE majority percentage possibility that this is it. that hes not gunna fall for some hissy fit and hes not gunna chase me down the road. i guess we'll find out how he thought of me. i feel like it had been over for a minute. his actions are so effing loud his words are pretty much silent now. ugh girl stop chekcing the phone.
but yea. day 2. was a success. i didnt eat AWESOME but i made myself workout and i didnt eat bad. it was a day of procrastination. i dont wanna sleep late anymore. wasted a whole day lol.
if were gunna be honest. yes i do miss old Brandon.
terribly. but not as much as i really just feel like the whole thing was a lie. hes basically a stranger. i still go to his page. im glad i cant see his wall but i do look at his pictures. he is adorable. honestly, and especially compared to his friends, his style is questionable BUT idk. i guess i jsut miss the idea. its embarrassing what i let myself think. it gets a little less shameful everyday.
and little by little im starting to except that i have ZERO control over the situation. annnnd that.. he really is gone.

happy new year

2011-01-04T19:20:00.000-08:00

welp. the new years eve curse persists. lets see 06 bj slept with my best friend. found that shit out on nye.
07 i partied w/ ashley. okay that was a good one.
08 i dont even remember
09 i was at mercury room. alone. waiting for the same boy. while he was with her.

for the most part i cry myself to sleep every new years eve. but i bring it on myself. always gettin my hopes up, makin the whole night about some boy that is only worried about himself.
this time it was about um. the most current "him".
my how things change. closer to the break starting, we had already started to fall apart. he just started neglecting me. he made so many excuses. swore hed change.
but the last night we were together wasnt the same and i was ready to leave.
he was so mean. bringin up old shit & talkin down to me.
allowing me to be in his presence but it was clear he wasnt cherishing every moment like i was.
i could see him fading away.
all i had to go by after that was "like"s on my fb pics & all the statuses were baout him.
holding onto the out of focus image of us having this..secret idk connection. holding onto that for dear life. romanticizing as usual. when in reality, he hasnt texted me first (until just now) since freaking..the first week we got out & that was the week he started making random conversation and not finishing it.
from then on i had to text him. wed go days without taliing & he never finished a conversation. takes hours to respond. when i went to mississippi we went 5 days without talking. he didnt even notice.
it just got worse & worse.
then a tried to b patient, give it time.
but when we did talk he was rude & unattentive. & i seen that he was tlaking to other ppl, just not me. i was convinced he was talking to someone else & that i needed to provoke him to cut me loose.
so i did. i asked him to just tell me he didnt wanna tlak to me anymore & he played dumb then when i told him my concerns (how we dont talk at all & when we do talk he acts like im bothering him & how he promised wed skype every other day and we never ever have). and he told me he just been caught up with work and hangin with his boys but hed make time to hit me up. said he was sorry for neglecting me. so im thinkin were good. yay were still talking, as usual told me what i wanted to hear.
but he didnt change.
had to find out on fb he was coming over here for nye..for a party.
i told em i had a surprise for him so text me if he came cause he said he was staying in his apt. i went & got lingerie & flavored oil & flavored body glitter. i was gunna light candles & just..it woulda been the perfect way to spend new years.
but when he finally did get to the club..it was just..the same ish.
same ratchett girl came right up in the middle of our convo & was all in his ear for ten minutes. he made all these excuses. whatever,
i tried to talk to him about everything & how hes been acting..
but he just..seemed to just b bothered by me. then he said he just wanted to have fun..
that really hurt. i was done at that point. i left at 130. and he didnt come after me. didnt text me til 4am. cried myself to sleep by 2.
the real reason i was crying was because..i could see him changing. all of a sudden my dreams turned to dust & i could see that he wasnt who i thought he was. he wasnt sweet. he wasnt treating me good. i was doing everything and he literally contributed absolutely nothing to my life but pain. & i knew that i was gunna have to let him go, and hed fight me, and id have to tell him no.
i couldnt take it. so i did it the next day.
he responded like 8 hrs later & said he didnt have a good time cause i was mad at him & that he didnt know what he had to do to prove to me that he cares.
so i told him, poured my heart out. no response.
the next day i told him..like, i dont wanna get over u why dont u stop me. if u were so affected by me leaving why didnt u come after me. no response. just a rude comment about my fb status.
like, hes not who i thought he was. he withdrew all his input 3 weeks ago, i been draggin it out. i cry every night. every single night. my heart is so broken because i really really really believed in him. i defended him so much,
ugh its always the same story,
i gave everything. waited patiently to no avail. just to take the backburner to everything in the world.
hes a sophmore hes immature i know the last thing hes worried bout is a girl
but he knew i was falling for him & he knew i was tryna cuff
he let me
i gave him so many chances to just be honest. we couldve been friends
and now its like a slow tear in my heart.
that he just lied.
i deleted him off facebook, skype, and oovoo. it may seem brash but he trapped me
took away my voice by ignoring me, forcing me to hold everything in
took me for granted and just..made me invisible
so much time energy and effort wasted
FRIENDS dont even treat eachother that bad
i guarentee he talks to other ppl throughout the night or day
why not me
hadnt i done enough to at least earn his respect
as usual. young ass boys cant appreciate a good girl who likes them for them
and is really down for them
and it just hurt. i thought he was different. thought he was the one
i wanted to be involved in his life
i wanted us to be best friends.
finally thought i wouldnt have to spend all the holidays alone but i did
and he doesnt see a problem
feels no remorse. like nothings wrong.
he hasnt even NOTICED i deleted him
he takes neglegence to a whole new level
i know the only way i can get over him is to cut him off completely so i can finally stop thinking about him and hoping
i keep tryna tell my stupid heart like
hes not gunna come after you. hes just like the rest let it go.
and put out this stupid ember of hope that is literally burning in the snow.
theres is no spiritual connection were not soulmates
he just needed entertainment for a period of time and now hes bored with me.
there was only one time that i actually felt him ..having the passion that i do
one time i could feel desperation through a text
i cant remember what made me stay.
cause he told me what i wanted to hear to make me shut up
those stupid lying arms
who knows he probably does the same ish with everyone
i hate it so much
i trusted you. i believed in you with all my heart even though you gave me no reason to
i never left you in the dark and you kne how i felt
and you let me jump off the cliff knowing you wouldnt be there to catch me
how could you let this happen to us? we had every opportunity
we had the path laid out for us we had GODS blessing
but even He cant make you feel when you are incapable.
you have no heart.
every night i barely sleep. just cry and cry and it feels like itll never end
i cry in the bathroom at work
and just wish over and over that is wasnt true
but its not the same
im not giving him his "surprise" anymore.
you know whats gunna happen?
hes gunna let me go. he never wanted me to stay. he just didnt wanna "hurt my feelings" well he did. very very badly. i dont even wanna talk to him now
not to the slightest
i almost feel like i shouldve just waited around for his friend cause hes a whole lote nicer to me and he tweets me like all the time.
but this one, threw me under the bus. i chose him. but he didnt choose me.
he cut through me with silence. anything to shut me up.
so im giving him what he wanted
silence
and he cant make me talk
even if it kills me it cant be worse than this and i cant keep blaming myself
for someone that literally cannot feel
what could i have done
hes disrespectful and unappreciative and selfish
and blind as a bat he looks right through me
im a good girl damnit. im pretty. im popular. im sweet im smart & im fun to be around. and i wouldve given him any and everything in this world it was in my power to give. he has my heart. for now.
i hate to say it but he does.
but ill lie to myself and everyone until i and they believe that he doesnnt
and i wont let him think he does either
i cant make him feel bad. i know he wont
the only reason hes gunna be bothered is because he knows hes wrong.
not even that. because he thinks hes such a good guy
and the way i feel about him now conflicts with the image he has of himself
so what. you want me to say i forgive you? you want me to say im not mad.
okay.
but youre not my friend.
you hurt me.
everything i put up with. everything we made it through. you talking to other girls. all the trust issues. you finally getting me to warm up and let you in.
then you just gave up. quit.
went on about your life. why. i will always always wonder that.
why did u lie. why did u feign interest why did u pretend to care.
i shouldve known better than to think you would gal me.
you must do this to every girl
i promise i thought you were what ive been waiting for
we couldve been a match made in heaven but i cant make you see me
what hurts the absolute most is to know that my presence doesnt make me happy.
you dont want my company.
your day is not afflicted by my absence.
and if im honest with myself i know you will be happier without me
i mean look at you. you been having the time of your freaking life. just working and chillin with your friends. forgetting i exist
i know youll continue
i just hope God helps me forget about you too so i can be happy too
i dont deserve this. i never did anything to disrespect or make u feel like shit
and you rewarded my loyalty and affection with..neglegence
you make me feel ugly. and stupid. unfunny. insignificant
thats the last thing i need.
to build myself up only for you to tear me down.
you never compliment me.
the only reason in this world i would ever need a guy is to make me feel better than i do by myself.
definitely not worse.
all i freaking wanted from you was a text a day. to know how your day was. to feel like you thought about me. period. thats it.
the occasional skype.
we were supposed to be "getting to know eachother better" remember?
were supposed to get closer not further apart
i promise i never thought the distance would tear us apart
rip us to shreds
but it wasnt the distance
it was you
all it did was expose the fact that you never had any feelings for me at all
and it burns a hole in my soul.
that you freaking lied all this time
my friend made a good point in response to me saying i wasted time
by asking what i couldve been doing
we had good times
i just regret the pain that followed because it was uneccessary
all the fuck u had to do was let me know
we wouldnt have to be beefing
couldve been friends
now i have to avoid u like the plague
ugh checkin my phone everday to see if uve noticed my absence yet
youre not the type to chase. too much pride to beg.
you always just let me go
youre completely oblivious to my feelings
and you told me you cared
but you dont
youll shrug and say good riddance
come back way too late tlakin bout u wanna be friends
nigga no.
because you destroyed me. you disrespected me
and just.. hurt me too much
threw me away like some stupid junk you might come back for later
well im not gunna be here
its gunna suck
everyday sucks knowing that this happened
i wanna forget cause i wish it wasnt true
you couldve fixed it idiot
shouldve been on your best behavior
shouldve made me top priority just for a little while
we couldve seen eachother
we couldve been on skype this whole time "getting to know eachother"
that wouldve been enough for me
now im just sitting here listening to "sooner than later"
i wish you felt like this
it would be amazing things used to
"when the lights dont glow the same way that they used to, and i finally get a moment to myself, i will realize you were everything im missing. and youll tell me youre in love with someone else"
i wish it bothered him. tore his ass up.
like damn, i really effed up a good thing
doing that, makin a mistake that makes someone leave you can really change youre mindset
that shit can make you idolize someone you didnt even know was there
but me, idk. me leaving like..never does that to anyone.
shrug. they treat me like a burden im sick of it
ill be okay. i just..dont want this to be reality
i know what i think or feel has no effect on what is true
ill have to learn that eventually
sigh. i guess i can still say it
ill sleep like crap anyway
i wish...that what im doing...going away would make him miserable
that he would hate himself
and realize like he could use a girl like me
that he not fitna find nobody that puts up with his crap like me
that i dedicated so much time & energy to him
that i was sweet to him
that im finer than pretty much any other girl he knows
like..finally see the good in me
and FINALLY miss me
and realize like as much fun as hes having right now, when it ends he does gotta go back to school
and im gunna be there
and he wont even be able to see me
that it would make him flashback
to holding me. kissing me. laughing with me.
just us being together
all of a sudden realizing i wanted to be his gf.
that he hasnt had a gf the entire time hes been in college & if he was going to have one it would be me
that he is capable of giving me what i want
that he ahd his fun and hes ready to settle down with me
that he would just go crazy like OMG WHY WONT SHE TALK TO ME
WHAT DID I DO
that he would just not be the same
hes never thought about me. always been able to focus and just be where he is
not worried bout nothin
always knew id be there and if i wasnt he could just tell me some bs and make me stay
that he would realize when he gets back to his room my side of the bed is empty. every night always empty
that he has no clue what im doin
and i could be talkin to someone else
and it kills him to see that im doing just fine
smilin and laughing and going on with life not missing him at all
when there was a time when he was the center of my world
when all he had to do was text me and id be there
hell see his roomie and his girl together and remmeber when that used to be us
hell be in the mood one night and remember how it was when i was there
and just realize anything he needed he had me
that like after the club he couldnt be with me anymore
that he has no one to take his mind off school
and if he even looks at another girl he thinks of me
and it just makes him feel like evn more of a screw up
that HE'LL go through the five stages of loss
first anger like just mad. then denial like theres no way shes really gone. beg me like michelle its not that bad please let me fix it just talk to me and thats the bargaining too. swearing up and down to himself that he wouldnt mess up again. that if i ever just give him one more chance hell be perfect
then just realizing im gone and bein upset
gloomy and mopy and not wanna tlak to no other girls.
then finally accepting it. a long time from now. long after my ghost has haunted him and he has wasted months of his life being sad over me.
but you know what. thats not him. thats somebody that really likes me. someone who gave their heart to me too
somebody that considered me their girl. that valued me
and was just having a lapse of judgement
someone i had really gotten under their skin
someone that missed me
that was capable of emotions of any kind
but hes not. you know what happens with boys like him insteaD? the exact opposite.
me going away will make him feel free.
he could never hate himself. because he doesnt blame himself.
he doesnt need a girl like me.
and he can have any girl that doesnt trip like i do
that i was doing the most & he doesnt need all that. too serious
he wont remember how sweet i was.
he likes thick girls. he doesnt even think im that pretty. just regular
he doesnt see the good in me at all and he never will.
he aint fitna miss me. hes fitna have the time of his life being free with his boys and doing whatever else he wants without me up under him.
before he goes back to school. he wont think about the fact thatim gunna be there
and he wont even be able to see me. he wont wanna see me. not seeing me will only help him forget me more.
boys dont have flashbacks.
im the only one who thinks about him holding me. kissing me. laughing with me.
just us being together. after it was over, he forgot.
he wont realize i wanted to be his gf. and if he does what he wil realize is that he doesnt want a gf especially not me.
he hasnt had a gf the entire time in college for a reason. hes tryna enjoy his self anf be free not married so soon he doesnt need the hastle.
he doesnt care or analyze enough to even think about this but he IS not capable of giving me what i need. to him, i need too much. im unreasonable.
he HASNT had his fun and he ISNT ready to settle down with me.
when i dont respond hes gunna say fuck it. hes not fitna trip over no girl. he'll just be like damn she ALWAYS trippin. good riddance i dont need the drama and say shit if she dont wanna talk to me cool cant say i didnt try (even tho he didnt)
hes never thought about me. always been able to focus and just be where he is
not worried bout nothin
he didnt notice that id be there
he dont think of it as my side of the bed. he is going to be comfortable with the whole bed to himself. he probably wont even see me. and if he does hes not the jealous type. he dont give a damn what im doin or who im talking to even if its a boy.
his roomie is not fitna bother him. hes used to it.
after the club he can go home with whoever he wants and not worry bout me. dance all over other girls. flirt with everyone he sees get all kinds of numbers make "new friends" and just have a bachelor lifestyle
he can hoop to take his mind off school hes fitna be too busy studying to ever be with me. and he doesnt think like me. hes not tryna have me there but the funny thing is he always be with everybody else when hes studying takin pics& shit wtf.
and he looks at girls NOW and dont think of me. scummy ass.
he aint fitna go thru no stages he bout to go straight to acceptance with no remorse or regret and say YES! with a fist pump and immediately talk to someone else
and if i dont get over him right the fuck now im going to get hurt MORE.
im ignoring his last text. idiot.
i just gotta keep reminding myself who im dealing with.
and know he is not going to be my prince
or ever be anything but a mistake.

RollerCoaster

2010-12-13T19:32:00.000-08:00

man, sometimes like, idk some things b/w us are cute
but like foreal..hes posa b tryna impress me right now
but hes mostly just rude
like..whats your deal dude!
i just left em an open pass, huge opportunity,
cause i thought the other day
showed me that he responded to sweetness
which i thought was awesome cause its so much easier for me to be sweet
instead of fighting it
but nah. like..he is just SPOILED
lol like u tell em something & youre obviously not serious
& hes just like..
its getting like..actually funny.
like im starting to take it less seriously cause its seriously like a joke
i mean we cosign on fb
& he liked the status i put up specifically for him to like
but hes just..oblivious
theres the word. obvlivious.
somethin in my mind keeps tellin me over & over its only a matter of time
this is not gunna work
& i dont truly believe in my heart that it is
BUT for now, whatever.
ive grown up a little
God has graced me with the ability to live without him
so..it is what it is.
were talking now
i try this open communication thing
it sucks if u ask me
but i cant seem to hold stuff in anymore

eh, mood swings

2010-12-12T19:22:00.001-08:00

idk what the heck. i go so back & forth
i guess i need to choose
do i wanna be alone & keep waitin for mister perfect
& justkeep jettin everytime my mind invents something new to freak about it
or..do i wanna stick around, b patient, chill out
and see what happens
yea, he does..not give me everything i want yet
but i have one more thing to try
ive been throwing myself on him, letting every jealous thought bounce off the tip of my tongue, i text him some long bs or chop him up about something everytime my mood changes
normally,& im pretty sure if it was me, id definitely jet
like..why put up with the drama?
it does feel like he has no intention of taking it further than it is
i cant imagine how like..we would have an opportunity to "get to know e/o" mentally now that weve known e/o so much physically
thought that is truly our only hope
idk.. when we were in that bed..& i was freaking out
& i turned over to pout..my pride was swallowed & i was going to turn back over & make him talk to me
but he did it first. MAYBE that means something.
MAYBE he did feel how i felt. i dont know
he didnt have to tell me i had nothing to worry about
he doesnt have to answer my ?s
he couldve told me just like daray "were not talking" but idk mayb we r?
idk. truth be told, yes i would like him to b more affectionate
yes i would like to talk to him more & spend more time with him other than extra late at night
i would like it to be way more obvious that he feels how i feel
& no i dont really think he does.
but he must like me some..to let me control him like i do
he really is patient with me & my antics & i need to stop
bc nobody wants to put up w/bs this early
but he does
i guess i just gotta back off & shut UP and let things flow
& not dream up something bad just because im afraid
cuz i like em too much
its a blessing that he hasnt changed like the last one did
& just seems to forgive & forget so easily
maybe he does see the good in me, hmm idk
he probably doesnt know i see the good in him
im trying to b nicer
when im myself, im sweet
so im trying not to force & b rude to be cool
i told em good luck on his tests & that id include him in my pretest prayers & he called me sweet. it was a good convo. idk ill see where it goes. sometimes when u stick around, & just..idk let them live their lives they come around. maybe ill finally get a bf for christmas who knows,
maybe if i let him initiate he will
maybe if i go away he'll miss me.
maybe in his spare time he'll think of me.
who knows. im gunna try to do what Victoria said in church last week
& deal mercifully with him
knowing im FAR from perfect, now i dont have to hide myself from him
my weaknesses or my moodiness
hes obviously already seen it and doesnt seem to care
now i just really want him to get to know the real me
because if i am myself, i know i am loveable
& when i was in the past, and til this day, when im not nagging
we have so much fun.
i can only hope & have faith that he feels what i feel
he should cause im just as much of a catch as he is
& i have just as much going for me
i hope he can make an attempt to get to know me better
& i made a promise to God not to pursue any man or praise any man more than him anymore
& to always turn to him for answers& not give man that power
so now i cannot do what i have in the past
if i am truly a child of the King that makes me a princess
princesses should b courted properly by worthy suitors
what would a princess look like mingling among the commoners gravling at a peasants feet
i do not think of myself this way. were all equal. but girls need to be the chasees not the chasers.
im trying to up my confidence & self esteem & give myself value
idk what he thinks of me
he doesnt tell me
& i dont want to ask
but i think if i let my spirit shine through & let these walls down
he will feel as i do if not more
because i know that my heart is of value
whther he sees it or not
BUT he doesnt specifically mistreat me
he never intentionally hurts me & he doesnt continue to do things after i tell him or show him that they hurt me
AND unlike the others, he does actually make me happy
only my thoughts make me sad
SO im gunna have to keep a positive outlook & just pray when the light goes from me
im convinced its the devil that makes me sabotage myself
& i need to continue to pray that God purge my soul if his filth
so i can walk in light as he would have me do
i really like this kid
the way we met was cute, and i think it was specifically orchestrated by God that i meet him & not the other
i did ask God to filter my feelings & only allow my heart to be drawn to someone he approves of
so im gunna have to follow my heart and my original instinct on this one
not be paranoid
& give him the benefit of the doubt
just in case it turns into something
if it doesnt, oh well
the times that i did get to be with him & all the laughs & the hugs & the kisses & the fights & the hours watching tv talking about nothing, was worth it
i just wanna enjoy everyday
ive wasted too much of my time wishing i was someone or somewhere else
now its time to enjoy wherever God puts me the best i can
& stop procrastinating on LIVING
anyway. i dont know when ill see em again
dont plan to text em anymore..well maybe tomorrow to c how he did on his test.
maybe not. idk. we'll see. probably not.
im trying to have him initiate from now on. think ive done enough.
i hope he does..but im trying to get a life & live for me. &* enjoy it when im with em, hope it increases. & then just..nenjoy whatever else is happening when im not with em. & let it go where it will without trying to rush. truth is we got time. AND if he wanted to use me, eh idk. he could use anyway.
if he does turn out to be using me, its his problem not mine
bc he will be missing out on a truly good girl who will cut for him
& make sure he is always & in all ways provided for.
i will just have to believe. & pray that Gods blessing has already been given to us. i wanna thank him for putting up with my ish.
but i dont wanna devalue myself more
idk we'll see where it goes
i cant deny though i like him
i guess i just have to be proactive and do what i know will help me toward my goal
& try to just believe & trust
& not make the mistakes of the past,
even tho i mostly already have & he lets me get away with it.
he could be using me, he could just be tolerating me
he could be talking to any other girl
both at the same time
i pray hes not
but i do have a choice to be positive or negative
trusting or paranoid
& im going to choose to be trusting & positive
& have him be innocent until proven guilty
& just know God will deliver me from whatever pain he causes me
love would be worth the risk
i cant just walk around scared
gotta just swallow my pride & my fear
& see what happens. as of now, its been 2 wks of me testing him
& he hasnt left yet
maybe now..i can let him do the work
see if he will
my plan is to just do that.
live my life & let him be part of it, not be all of it.
& be my normal positive self..seeking to be more Godly not more humanly
& hopefully we work out
if we dont it isnt meant to be
so far..idk
maybe it is.
i hope one day i can text him & say i miss him
or that he'll say it to me first
i hope to hear him tell me he likes me one day
call me baby
to know that he cares about me
that my presence makes a difference in his day
i hope one day i get to change my relationship status to in a relationship with him
i hope we take pics & hes the one i know i canalways talk to & be with
& i know for sure how he feels
to have someone to sleep w/. mostly every night
a new best friend/boyfriend to be attached at the hip with
inseparable from
but its a long shot
if its supposed to happen it will
i cant expect it, cant demand it
& if things were good b/w us yday i have to assume they are good today
but i have to let him chase me
thats what they like
its fun. so there you go hun
i have hope. & i am choosing to be positive.
if im wrong, ill deal with it then
but so far, i havent been

KEY to My hEART

2010-12-11T20:38:00.000-08:00

listening to Dont Wake Me by Skillet
beautiful song

i miss em but i grew up a lot today
i watn what God wants for me
i know he has someone for me with whom it will just work
for all i know he could b feelin what im feelin & just not be as forward
but like, idk
im sweet to him..i think.
i compliment him. i always go see him
& i just have to wait for him to initiate
idk. i thought about it
spirits are like heart shaped balls of light
with key holes
we all have a hole & a key
our key doesnt fit in our own lock
its for someone else
i feel like he has mine, nothing compares to being with him
sometimes i feel like..when you meet someone, you just..know
you just fall. pretty quickly
it doesnt take that much time
but with him its taking forever
know he doesnt feel the same
i want him to have someone that makes him feel how he makes me feel
its been a LONG time since i felt this way
i wish i could b that one
i havent really been thinking about making HIM happy til now
only me, ive been Agenda Girl, Drama Girl, Yes girl, and Lost girl
i dont feel like the damage can be undone by human hands [it cant]
UNLESS God specifically wants us together, in which case nothing will tear us apart
idk why hes kept me around
thru all my nagging & bringing him lowkey random drama
& he just reassures me
but like, idk.. i still feel like..
idk i can thinkof one reason why someone would stick around thru bs, besidess liking them
i know he doesnt think of me like i think of him
i want him to be my bf
i dont want anyone else touching him
i know what you act like when you like someone
he doesnt act like that
we havent even talked today
why do boys always pick the day after things go down, when you really need them to be there
to not be there
lowkey im not trippin cuz i definitely need to study today
he did text me last night but i didnt wanna c him
which is a blessing from God bc i never thought i could not feel like being w/ him
next time..if there is one, pretty sure imuna make him come to me
& i just want us to have a freaking talk & not just spend our time eating e/os faces off
well..shoot idk. i just am at the point where i know im falling & i need to know if hes gunna be there to catch me
i need to know if he has feelings cause this is the point where it could just sever
i wish em well, i still wanna be his friend
& i do not regret one single second because he made me sooooo freaking happy
& he still has my heart
probably always will have a piece
& i dont wanna let go but i am
cause i need him to show me something
before we proceed.
so i am officially giving up. its up to him now
i think i deserve to be pursued & shown some affection
i need to know that he values me
if he doesnt show me, he wont see me til after the break
bc he should b trying harder to impress me
instead its the other way around
i know my only way of contributing to the possibility, eh idk
i dont believe he has feelings for me
i feel like he got what he wanted
& its only a matter of time so im just bracing myself for the goodbye
we'll see if he even notices if i back off.

ON THE FLIP SIDE
today was an amazing day. for the first time in a while i felt like God was with me. finally i was looking for the right person. not chasing anyone.
it was great. made good $ at work, got some studying done. [been studying since like 7] got my meds, my groceries, and my supps and worked out & actually wanted to. i felt energetic & happy today.
crazy that i feel energetic, happy, & confident the first day that i didnt talk to the rude girl [friend] or the rude boy [him]...
strange that my happiest day & most peaceful day is without the two main ppl..
eh. we'll see.
im letting God take over my relationships at this point.
but io do know who is a bad influence & where most of the negativity ive been feeling is coming from
& i am back eating right
2nd day in a row
i feel great, i think i look decent
still havent weighed myself. idk i dont wanna.
later, maybe monday.
im making progress. today i felt like me. goofy, happy, chillin
i watched a movie & studied
left my phone at home that was a biggie. it helped a LOT. & i havent been on fb or twitter really. all the unecessary stuff that really had me trippin i just got off today & it was so peaceful
i dont plan to completely reenter my coccoon. but i def plan to have some me time. moreso, some me & God time
cause i have to resume where i was & start growing from there again.
but yea.. so in summary,
im trying once again instead to find someone, to find myself
working on my confidence & sense of self worth
getting closer to God
um, i still really reaqlly like rude boy,
but im letting him go because im not sure he feels the same [my prediction is no]
so if he doesnt try, then we'll just slowly fall apart.
i'll miss him but hey, even when we were talking i always missed em
hes never missed me.
i need to hear about feelings. asap. thats what i really want
but i prayed about it its in Gods hands now
anyway, end of my study break
one more song & im back on it

emptiness

2010-12-08T17:14:00.000-08:00

ugh. im so frustrated with myself right now
as usual. im having to go to extremes. to take a step back
because ive been doing the most.
me & the boy r probably pretty much ruined.
& i have to drop off the face a little bit
unless i decided to go out tomorrow
which i want to
i feel like once again i put so much effort into like the impression i was making
i havent really been myself
& idk if i made a good enough first impression for this one not to matter
i want a bf so bad its really hard to hide
i get so excited at the possibility that i might get one
its only a matter of time before i think every guy is perfect
end up staring at his fb three to five times a datgum day
wanna talk to em all the time
making myself way to available
considering them in every effing thing i do
its a bloody tragedy
im so clingy & needy right now
i shouldve just hidden it
i did for a while but man now its real obvious & im so datgum irritated
like..ugh.
cause i feel so out of control
like i just..blew his bloody head up
now hes ignoring my text. hes on fb & oovoo i see it right now. i texted him at 6:20 it is now 7:20
this is not how girls are supposed to be
boys are supposed to chase girls
he should b sitting there waiting on my call
i promise i have lowered myself so freaking much this year theres really like no return at this point. maybe next semester but honestly
right now no
because ive made myself soooo available and sooo swishy whichever way is cool
like..other people control my life
obviously i STILL dont know who i am
its ridiculous once again i want to hide. part of me just wants to go home tomorrow & just stay there. how do you get over being ignored like that? seriously?
like...im sitting here. this mofo is on fb too.
idk what to do cause ive literally made a food of myself.
it mightve been ok if i hadnt texted em today.
but i did. like an idiot.
now im so embarrassed i really just wanna disappear.
now i know its over. why do i do this to myself
i care so much what people think
people like me when im ME
idkwhat i was doing..
thats what i did with the last one.
like when u fail so datgum much..you really just wanna stop trying
how are u supposed to love yourself when u suck so bad
so freaking bad
SO BAD
i missed my chem test.
stuff is bad right now.
i dont even wanna show my face
or feel like pretending to be happy
cuz im pissed off
& ashamed honestly because i..
im pretty man. im funny. im a nice person
but its like i have no life
like i just bow down to these boys
im way too honest
just open up wide really? i need to keep everything to myself
another one bites the dust
its over. completely
i know it is. i might as well have a replacement
idk what this is. i promise like..
ugh. confidence & swag..still shot.
idk how to get it back.
im just this lost puppy chasin after any boy that shows me the time of day
like freaking middleschool
obsessive annoying..really>?
i need to find something else to live for
cause boys are not it
i like him but he doesnt deserve to just be thinking like
ugh. i laiud down & willingly GAVE HIM the upper hand
thank God we didnt go THERE
bc i would b like suicidal right now
how retarded can u be
its time to lock it up
foreal
and just shut everything in forever
bc when u try to b honest ppl just..idk.
exploit.
God is the only man i can trust,
i feel so empty. im so bored
brandon is the only thing i like.. and the only time i wanna spend
otherwise i just wanna sleep
& wake up & hope the nest day will be more exciting less embarrassing
why did i text him today
force force force
how do i get out of this slump
cause it really is a slump
i just gotta disappear now
which sucks. it really sucks
i wanna get this bio freaking final out the way
even though i cant bloody focus and i dont feel like studying anymore
who...am....i...
and how can i get my confidence back.
i knew it. i came out of my coccoon too soon.
im mad at him..but instead of giving HIM the cold shoulder
i basically..idk..let him give it to me
yea..i gotta just avioid him now
i dont wanna go to that party bc then its gunna be like
im lookin for him all night
he wont come
all he really has to do in life is study
play bball sometimes
i have way more stuff to do
but i make time for people
i manage my time so im never really "busy"
but i look like i have no life
& im just all on his tip
im glad i got that article done
ill do the other tomorrow. dangit. i dont have anymore sleeping pills.
efffffffffffffff
God please wash me clean of my embarrassment and shame
please make me ..me again
i been a shell of a person for a minute
'still tryna figure out wtf happened this summer to do this to me
was it tre? was it langston? [puke]
why:( i had more swag when life sucked.
this is ridonculous.
i need to toughen up
but im caught because im tryna b a good person
its just...not paying off
ive become a loser
like a social outcast
no one knows or cares who i am
i might as well just disappear :(
this sucks.
thanks a lot stupid. uggghhhhh
i need to stay away from boys :( but im so freaking bored
i could have 5 or 6 on a team if i wanted
& just have one to call when im bored
couldve just let this one be the main
but noooooooooooooooooooooo
i had to let him have all the power
now il;l never get it back :(
only way to do it is if he comes back
& pursues me & i turn him down
which sucks knowing i do actually want him
i need to go home tomorrow
eff this. & ill just stay there cause to b honest i have no reason to b here
& i need to take my mind of that boy. & everything else
God help me. im so super lost it feels hopeless :(

The Broken Road >> perfection

2010-12-06T09:44:00.000-08:00

Every long loost dream..lead me to where you are
others who broke my heart
they were like northern stars
pushin me on my way
into your loving arms
this much i know is true..
God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

Seriously, i feel like..all the other guys like..everything i always wished theyd notice..he did. everything they hated about me, he finds attractive. everything i never thought anyone would do, he does.
& its crazy i dont even think he really likes me yet
if it ever gets to that point
i cant imagine him getting better
hes waiting for me [you know]
& when it finally goes down lol..it goes DOWN
because hes lowkey super beasty
idk how he sees me
or whats gunna happen from here
but ill be patient cause with him it flows on its own
i love every bloody second with the kid
omg
like who know that just layin in someones arms
could feel so perfect
feels like goin home
like im a stranger in every place BUT those arms
love love love it
im not sayin a word. i know he knows i like him.
i cant wait til he likes me too, id probably just kill over if those words came out of his mouth
but everytime im with him the feelings get stronger & stronger
i just have to keep praying God will give me strength to control them
i can only reveal them in reciprocation
ah but im thankful for every perfect moment with his perfect self
his perfect smile perfect lips perfect voice
perfect touch
ah
perfection

are they all the same

2010-12-03T17:33:00.000-08:00

so my friend tells me that my new "prospect"
with whom i have spent the past 2 nights
was at this party last night talkin to some other girl
idk. were not dating
idk where we stand
so i cant trip.
i think im really annoyed bc he is not texting me right now
but he can get on fb?
honestly im starting to feel like i need to stay away from him
because i like him more than he likes me
& obviously were not on the same page
none of the ones who seem perfect actually are
& im startin to feel like hes just physically attracted to me.
im really freakinf irritated that he cant even text me i know hges not studying
i know hes gunna go to pajamageddon
& im gunna b at home, again
i just dont like how i feel right now.

slippin away

2010-11-28T15:47:00.000-08:00

from God, little by little
and more toward man
i cant seem to find a happy medium.
its either all or nothing.
when im around them, even just a little, i star tto become more like them
& wanting to earn their approval
til this day.
i have got to grow out of that
so here i am having to pull myself away again
because ive begun to feed on their negativity
& take it in.
& im just..still not strong enough to be an influence instead of the influenced
& im still chasing boys
sigh. i have to leave my hands empty
but for some reason i cant stand to have emtpy hands
what is the deal
was i happy when i didnt talk to anyone? no i was lonely
but now im not happy cause im sloppy & all over the place
procrastinating all the time
not able to trus tmyself, not very much self control or structure
feeling just out of wack.
i need God. im unable to focus & i think ive lost a lot of faith in myself
i feel like i cannot return
i know all i have to do is seek & i will find
so i have to start now, truly seeking him & not people.
went to a friends bday party, the boy who was the cause of the whol good girl gone bad mvmt (who compared to the devil child was a freaking sweetheart0 was there. left my purse. i need it back.
i hate texting ppl. especially boys. when they act liuke youre such a bother
im so sick of reaching out to ppl & getting rejected
its just..it gets old ya know? real old.
i know im supposed to sit around & wait for a suitor
find some oither things to enjoy
i enjoy family. a lot
i had a blast over thanksgiving
i think i need to just..focus on school, God, working out, & for fun go chill with family
cause if im honest w/ myself i dont have not one single true prospect
not one. so why waste time.
i need to get off fb & twitter foreal.
ive lost myself again. & my grades are this close to slipping. its time to get on track NOW or ill lose everything i worked so hard for
i wanted to go to the alpha probate tomorrow
well, no. i told my friend i would
but i dont want to
so i think i need to just not. idk ill see how i feel tomorrow
right now im supposed to be writing a paper.
thats due tomorrow.
feeling very overwhelmed & irritated.
not creative at all.
& i want my purse.
got a conflicted conversation waiting for me in my text inbox that i dont want to look at.
guess i oughta get it over with.
then im turnin on the Christian music & starting on this paper.
ugh, ive got to cut off all this nonsense.
at least til classes & finals are in check & over with
whoever leaves can just go
cause i have to prioritize right now
& definitely weed out some unnecessary baggage

who am i??!!

2010-11-25T20:17:00.000-08:00

so. idk what the heck i been goin thru tonight
had an amazing thanksgiving with some ppl
that im somewhat related to? family friends idk
but it was so much fun
so glad we went
but this girl wanted to get her lips pierced
which made me want to get mine pierced
i even almost drove to 420
its so wierd when i get in those moods.
then all of a sudden i wanted to cut my hair
i guess its one of those moments.
idk. who the heck am i
& its gunna take so long for me to grow my datgum hair out
am i that prissy pretty girl?
or am i the hardcore punk chick
i was soooo loody confident when i cut my hair & had my piercings
not in padre. at first.
but like most of the time. that i remember
idk
i think i been self conscious for a minute
'at least when i went out i felt swagtastic
now ifeel like i have no swag
i dont turn heads
i look so plain 7 regular
tryna..idk blend in?
why did i cut my hair in the first place was i happy with it?
do i like how i looked with it?
im so confused right now
God please help me
give me confidence let me know what to do
cause if i cut my hair again its going to take months to grow back to this point
if im just patient & wait a fw more months instead i could have a bob again
or just..longer hair
but either way, i wanna go out
do i wanna go out with my hair down & curly?
do i wan my hair down & curly ?
idk what i want
i cant keep makin drastic changes everytime i feel wierd
like..its like sometimes i eel like one person
sometimes i feel like another.
& its gettiong old.
God please help me.
everytime i go out i dont feel..confident
idk which ones me?
the long haired pretty girl
or the short hair rock girl?
i dont know : /

Kind of Off

2010-11-22T20:32:00.000-08:00

i feel wierd. idk
im just mentally, idk maybe im burnt out
& just need to relax
2 more weeks & im out of school completely
so its all good
went to eat with a friend, it was fun
theres this guy i think is cute
he has a gf
we were gunna try to get him to come tutor her
while i was there
& see if we could @ least be cool
but he couldnt so im takin it as a sign
just thought id take the opportunity
still single as idk what
& bored as well
im getting used to it
cause it doesnt change at all
& as time goes on it becomes less & less likely that it will
im just hoping maybe next yr ill have something goin
something exciting to look forward to
at least a crush
felt good for a minute to have one
but me & this guy have never even spoken
i gotta stay away from other peoples men
ill just have to b single
i got a 95 on my chem test :) Thank you Lord
been eating w/e. decided thats what imuna do this week
but i got my new diet already 100% calculated out when i start back up
planning to enter 2011 with my resolution being to maintain
determined to keep these hands empty so God can put what he wants in them
i can feel him wormking in me
im getting better
theres just some things i had to let go
& i have..i finally dont hurt
it doesnt bother me
& i am so thankful
i know from now on things will keep getting better
i did just tweet the guy who.
he seems cool. who knows, we could have a cool friendship
im trying to make new friends
Im asking God to keep me in line
& not let anything happen that shouldnt
i know for a fact i wont touch him or even really flirt while he has a girl
we can just be friends.
im not gonna have anyone elses broken heart on my hands
i know how that feels.

Becoming More me

2010-11-20T19:19:00.000-08:00

i been looking at old pics of me
i feel like i get LESS attractive as time goes on
& i do it to myself
its like ive been fighting pretty since forever
cause i just, idk
i guess im modest?
& when i look in the mirror
for so long i saw a really pretty girl
inside i felt like i couldnt add up
like it wasnt me
& the boys they just..idk
every haircut
every tat
always had something to do with a boy
its almost like i wanted to b ugly
idk what i was doing
sometimes i just want to go back & whisper in my own ear
tell myself the truth
that its okay to b pretty
youre beautiful on the inside too
i guess.. the jade thing
i always think if i enjoy something its gunna b taken away
so i fought how i looked
now im like..wow i was so pretty
now when i look in the mirror
i see someone random
i know im still me but i dont like it
i want my long pretty hair
i wanna look like a girl
i wanna feel pretty
& i dont. i have to fake it
i know toher ppl think im pretty
but i just feel naked &* unattractive
without my hair &..idk
i just want what i had beforre i let heartbreak change me so much
so now im back on that journey
gotta be poatient
m,y hair will grow
not fast as i want
but it will
time will fly
but i have to keep in touch with my goals
i think failure drove me away from that as well but i gotta keep tryin
i been halfway doin it.
if im honest with myself, i want to be a fitness model
i really do
i love it & thats what i want
i want low bodyfat
i dont like my body how it is & i want to b strong enough to diet
so im gunna try again
& just pray for God to give me pateince
& strength to perservere
start with small goals
like just getting thru tomorrow
make that my goal. once i reach that, do it again the next day
no more missing workouts
worrying about everything else but what i really want
& ignoring the future
it may not be right now, but i have it
next year i want to compete & win
& go pro
& have that as my hobby
i been tryin so hard not to identify with anything
been afraid to have likes or dislikes or a personality
to the point i have no goals
no plans for the future
cause I dont know what God wants for me and im scared to pursue my own interests
i hope He knows i inted to use anything i get for good
& i dont intend on ever just..living the life without giving backor using my gifts for evil
but i want something to strive for
i dont even know how anymore
i hate the pressur eit makes me wanna cave but i have to face the fear if i want to change
& learn to believe in myself
idk how else to do that but to keep trying
& not accept excuses from myself
if i got through october i can do this.
thanksgiving, christmas, food, anything. all of it. its not worth sabotaging & if i could just see my goal in those moments, stay focuses & not give into the temptations
i could reach it & i know that would build my character
just for the sake of being able to fight temptation
that would build strength and help my confidence a lot
so..no more random social stuff
lookin for a bf
i need to spend my time pursuing goals
right now my goals, always to get closer to God
& secondly to have all As in school
thiordly to get my bodyfat down where i want it. I want to enter 2011 looking like..amazing. looking in the mirror & seeing what i want to see
i have to keep asking myself "if not now, then when?"
God please grant me this request
give me the strength and patience to stick to my goials
perservering through any obstacle
& turning to you when i need help instead of people or food
God i ask that you remind me of my dreams
encourage me that they are attainable
give me peace in my heart
so i dont search in temptations direction
& always instead turn to you
help me give up all my addictions & escape mechanism
put the question in my mind when i turn from the path "if not now then when"?
help me prioritize
and enter 2011 FINALLY able to say, i did everything i said i would
i want to be a better person
more like you & more who you made me to be
better everyday
Give me your spirit, your hope, your peace, and your strength
in Jesus name Amen
I want to step on the scale with shoes on fully clothed in 2011 & see like 133 or 132. i want to lose like 10 pounds of solid fat. its doable. i have about 6 weeks left in the year. at a pound & a half a week I could do it. but i have to be strong
& never cave
no matter what
i want this, i do. i have to fight the fear
this desire in my heart to be better is not going away
so i need to just nix it
cold turkey, doing right & fighting the good fight every day
one day at a time
its time to work on me. so that next year, i am confident knowing im at my best in every way. Closer to God then ever. the journey begins now

college life?

2010-11-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

is it oveR? i mean did i overstay my welcome?
even the boy i thought actually liked me has started acting a mess
i think im just going to ignore him from now on
i hate this feeling of rejection
& like im not pretty anymore
everytime i go out i feel less & less attractive
this awkward stage haircut is noooooo fun
but im not cutting it,
ill just have to be patient.
i went to an event at school. felt like socializing
its surely not what it used to be
'especially with absolutely NO ONE to impress
sigh. i prayed in the bathroom for God to give me patience
to wait for life to get exciting again
i feel like..its all just old & its not gunna get better
im not gunna meet any new boys unless theyre younger
& im oh so tired of that
i wanted somebody of equal social standing so we could go out & socialize together :(
and now i feel like
i wish i could go back & undo A LOT
just do it all differently
so i wiuldnt suck the well dry
& now..the only thing about school is the learning
& lately ive been REALLY considering going back to BJ
cause..idk. cause im bored
but im trying to leave my hands open
i thought God wanted me to go to this event
although now i cant imagine why
sigh. i just gotta drop the social thing
not worry about that
& drop the campus love affair thing
i wont get another chance for that
the devil child was the last chance
sigh
ive blown so much
but i know God will give me better memories
that will stomp all over the ones in my imagination
simply for the fact that i believe
its coming
ill be patient
its just not my turn yet
gotta hold on

Church

2010-11-17T21:58:00.000-08:00

Lakewood is amazing.
these people have gifts
every service is exactly what i need to hear
its like God speaking to me
telling me "Dont listen to them, youre right"
and i find out all these things ive thought are true
in the bible
that im not wrong
that theres people who understand me
& that Someone loves me
i know i have to let stuff go
today was the first day in a long time i dont feel heart broken
just lonely
but im letting go of everything
all my friends all my previous hobbies
previous love interests
so i have not one single thing in my hand
& just spend my time giving to others
& trying to please God
& i know he has a blessing just waiting for me
an out of this world blessing
bigger than my wildest dreams
or exactly what im dreaming of
ill have a whole new life
ill have my own things to do
separate from the people who have rejexcted me
so ill say "oh no sorry i cant, ive got my own life to live"
not that, but you know what i mean.
i wont have to take care of random ppl just to feel needed
ill have someone to take care of me
im just going to keep speaking power in Gods direction
& keep beliving
& i know hell prove me right
i believe in magic
& though it seems ive talked to every boy i possibly could at this school
& screwed myself into a corner
there is no one else
i could be wrong
& He is always right
'even if he has to drop one down from the sky
if its in his will he could do that
so my hands are empty
not one sinlge dip
not one single prospect
not one single hope
so when the new guy comes
i will have noooo baggage
but now i just have to keep my eyes on God
& try to please him in all my ways
& pray constantly for strength and patience
study him like i study my books
& distract myself
& i know life will just continue to go up from here

conclusion

2010-11-17T15:02:00.000-08:00

ive learned a lot
& i see the reasons for a lot
i know everything has its season
& for me..this is a DROUGHT
but i just wanna say that while youre young
im not a grownup. im not 100% mature.
& my desires are that of the average youth
i think its okay & its just a fact
having said all that,
life is boring without friends & boys
its what makes college fun
school & God & family should come first
but getting all dressed up & going out to impress someone
thats fun
i think ive come a long way with being present
but ive also just been
poutting life off
trying to learn it all right now
be all wise
& grow up too fast
i was trying to save myself from pain
but hey, you take the good with the bad
God gives me strength when i have to endure pain
theres no reason to hide & not take any chances
although i am convinced im not gunna meet anyone new here which freaking sucks
theres got to be SOMEONE i dont already know
sigh.
when you dont have any friends to go out with, nothing fun to do
& youre hdiing cause someone ruined your reputation
& you dont like anyone
& no one likes you..
it gets boring
its okay when i have something to destract me
i guess i just need to do what i say im gunna
cause there would b a lot of chjasing to do
if i gave in to my need to be social
i pray God gives me something fun soon
but i have to be patient
sigh. seriously though, right now
thats what you live for. boys. friends.
waking up and having FUN
this will be the last chance i ever get to live this life
so why not actually live it
life is boring without boys.

what i know now

2010-11-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

& this time ill remember. to be Godly in my reactions to people
to be patient & kind.
& no matter what, not play games
not treat people bad
ever.
& when someone tries to fight with me, stand up for myself
but never retaliate or be rude
i gotta stay conscious.
now i know people fight
\& i gotta remember in that moment when i think "o whats the worst that could happen" or "that wont happen to us"
when i find myself bragging thinking i got someone in check
i need to humble myself & thank god for answering my prayers
& ask him to help me not screw it up
because we dont deserve what we get & qwhen we get cocky we lose it
& you never get a second chance
ill have to remember when i think "i was happier single"
that i wasnt. i cried. a lot. i struggled all the time
just waiting for my chance to get to be wth someone
waiting to forget so i could b surprised
i spend so much time daydreaming im impossible to surprise
ill have to remember. & ask myself why im running
you always fight with someone you care about
i need to be the peacemaker & just not fight
& cherish the person i care about
& just pray to God for an answer of what i should do & to help me calm down & handle it in the right manner
and if i have nothing nice to say say nothing at all
& dont vent to my friends
dont send rude or LONG texts EVER
just wait til were in person
& if i wanna see them, dont hint & get mad or be rude
just say so.
just SAY SO.
or it turns into "heartbreak warfare". seeing as i dont ever wanna be here again,
i just have to look around & memorize my surroundings
*looks around*
i see loneliness. i see regret, empty bed next to me. wishes & hopes.
of what i could have done
dreams of being with someone
LONGING. tears & misery,
thats what i see.
& a little irritation every now & then from not always getting to be with someone exactly when i want
is nothing compared to feeling so unwanted & undesriable
i can handle a little up & down
blah. when i finally find someone
gotta be patient
im working on that
right now, im stalking rosters & facebook
but i know i just gotta give up
i promise guys can just walk outside & find a pretty girl
for me its so rare
once in a blue moon i meet someone i can actually talk to
im officially declaring this a dry spell
so ill just sit here
alone with my new wisdom
til i forget & then God will bless me with someone
sigh. here it goes.

what i want

2010-11-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

now i realize what i get addicted to
not being able to live without e/o
having to be near them
but only if you know they feel the same
knowing you hold someones life in your hands
& the only reason you dont smash it
is because they hold yours too
[im trying not to go roster shopping right now]
anyway, i miss that.,
i cant go back to old stuff
i want someone new & fresh
someone to impress
to go c
to dress up for & know theyre looking
someone who is as obsessed w/me as i am with them
for once i want to be THAT girl to him
some stability. i wanna be somebodys weakness

Same old Little Girl

2010-11-15T17:40:00.001-08:00

sigh. rough day. mentally.
gotta let go.
thats all i gotta say
the whole crying like a baby thing
its not working for me.
watching Enchanted now
i just wanna feel better
forever
i feel like he won
& i lose
& its just keeps haunting me like a ghost
seems like everyones so happy
& im just a loser
so negative right now, i hate it
but im gunna keep praying
i cant wait til Christmas break
but theres no reason for me to be miserable til then
dont even wanna work out
& its embarrassing
God help me.

God have my heart, let me move on

2010-11-13T20:58:00.000-08:00

It was such a great week
went shopping today & got some really cute stuff
& im ready for church tomorrow
had my cheat day
definitely ready to go back to eating healthy for sure.
but, being around sonny..
the devil child is talking to this girl i know.
shes pretty
& his ex is still having his baby
& he loves her.
& it hit me
i cant fully commit to God when my heart is with
this boy.
i have to let go. & tell God im ready to b strong & move on
im not lonely, im not
i think if i had anyone else
i wouldnt be worried about him
it just..he gets to move on
& i know i wont
& as right the path i feel i took may be..
& as wrong as he still is
it just..bothers me. cause it feels like he won
but i refuse to believe that God will just let him do it.
I know that being good is the right thing
in my heart i know
so it just shows me that if im still feeling this
like..the fact that he hates me & still thinks im evil
i feel..not pretty
& just...unwanted ya know
but i wont give up hope
i know my dream is waiting for me I know God is in control
he sees what is happening here & hes not sleeping on it
I know hes doing magical things I dont know about
to better me & give me a future
Jeremiah 29:11
I know theres no reason for me to cry. Someone loves me.
its disrespectful to Him for me to sit worrying about the ONE person
that doesnt like me
when so many people do
& when im actually happy without em
i have to give thanks & just stay on the path
it just shows me im not ready
im not a butterfly yet
im still influencible
i gotta get stronger
so i just need to stay to myself
& focus on my responsibilities & growing in Christian character.
I dont wana hurt. dont wanna waste one more day
so from now on, once & for all
i am giving up on this boy.
not for all hes done, but for the fact that he has no love for me
its time to be a big girl & go on with my life
i cant replace him or do any of that I just have to turn to God
its over. i get it.
its time for me to let go. & let God.

God's Progress

2010-11-10T21:38:00.000-08:00

wow, Hes brought me so far.
been tryna go to Lakewood for a year. I went last Sunday.
I dont ever wanna miss again.
finally texted my friend to meet me there. I love it!
I went tonight too. I just wanna be at church all the time.
Tonight it felt so good when he asked "Who wants there life to change right now?" and I didnt raise my hand.
I dont have any requests. Nothings bothering me. Life is awesome
its how I feel. i feel God inside me. I feel his love
now instead of pursuing the love & approval of man,
which has been my lifes battle
I seek him. But unlike man
when i seek Him, I find Him. He welcomes me
he rewards my faith
I dont have to bite my tongue because He loves me too
& he welcomes my praise
it feels so good.
all the time.
when it starts to go away, i just pray & he comes to my rescue.
i feel so positive. & blessed.
Joel said we have royal blood in our veins because Christ is king
so i hold my head up now
i know im beautiful in Gods eyes
I dont have to search or want anymore
i feel great. I dont need anything
I got a 100 on my math test. I am excited to make my new schedule
havent struggled dieting in a WHILE
i feel so great. so excited to go home & just spend time with family
felt like i worked so much for so long, now is my time of Jubilee
i love God. I listen to christian music at home & in my car
got a book at Church called "The Practice of Godliness" so i can learn more about Him and how to be more like Him. & it really helps.
everythings different. im different.
i dont cry sad tears anymore. i dont miss the devilchild.
sometimes i wish i didnt talk to his cousin because then hed be totally gone from my life & i hate hearing his name
but I know ill be okay & he benefits from me
i know it is my duty to help people
so i can. I just want the devilchild.. idk.
everytime i have a little hope for him, he betrays again
it gets worse & worse
7 im so glad God saved me from that because he is the worst ive ever dealt with
he couldve hurt me worse than he did.
anyway, im doing amazing. Thankful & blessed
I see stars & light for the rest of my life
ive NEVER felt this good
not by the hand of man or even of my own accord
im always alone & im not even lonely
I know i wanna finish school & get my PhD but other than that
im not like..reaching for anything
im right here, right now, chillin
i watch movies & snuggle in my bed
I sleep beautifully
I eat for my health not my mind
it doesnt wander as much AT ALL
& i know that all my pain was worth it to find God & walk with Him
what could be better than this :)

Unbreakable

2010-11-10T21:37:00.000-08:00

its crazy that my favorite Christian band [fireflight] just happens to have a song called unbreakable. here are the lyrics. this is how i feel :)

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight, can?t face me in the light
They?ll return but I?ll be stronger

God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can?t see to reach my destiny?
I want to take control but I know better

God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me

Forget the fear it?s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust

God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me

God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me

Best Friends Ever

2010-11-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

okay. im gunna give them names. Cousin & Sonny are..the best ever.
i have never ever had anyone stick up for me like them.
today i was going to lunch & i just happened to run into cousin!!
for the first time in a week
apparently he missed me too he did look for me!
i gave him my new #
i prayed..i said God let them know my spirit is with them
& if they need me let them find me
like..i talked to them on the phone just now
i promise they make life better
maybe i dont have to run from them
the devilchild moved out!
so i can go over there as long as hes not there :)
like, idk. i thought about him more today than usual
afterall they are cousins
but i have wanted friends like these my whole life
i cant just dismiss them and live alone & lonely
giving up yet another blessing because of that demonspawn.
i love these boys so freaking much
thank you God.
if i didnt ever say what happened.
the night i found out he got her pregnant
we had a long night
they all spent 3 hours with me while i cried, telling me the truth about him
& that i wasnt stupid or crazy
making me believe that i deserved better
making me laugh
& sonny slept on the couch with me to make sure devilspawn didnt come back
& i changed my # because devilspawn was harrassing me
because sonny was jumping down his throat for what he did to me
ive never had anyone stand up for me like that.
thank you Lord.
im gunna go see them tomorrow :)
i dont have to be alone anymore! finally found some ppl like me.
i love these boys. foreal.
today i realized that this is my answer
i fell for the bait that LED ME TO the angel i asked for
and instead of one, i got 2! [maybe 3lol]
i prayed for companionship
getting my heartbroken was my passage to them. i wouldnt take it back
thank You so much!

lucky

2010-11-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

shes so lucky
shes a star
but she cry cry cries in her lonely heart
eh. maybe i just gotta be lonely
i wanna learn to be alone
& not feel that
today was such a great day
got my friend back..randomly
i guess i just been feelin sad
i was tired
& ever since i just been sad
but hey, cant be happy all the time
God knows i want someone..
i still dont right now though to be honest.
seriously, i dont wanna be sad
& i cant trust right now
im not in the mood to get my heart smashed again
theres no point
i do not believe in any of these boys
not one single one.
so, ill pass.
God hears me

Company

2010-11-02T20:59:00.001-07:00

Sooo I came back to my room. Got school tomorrow
Id rather be at home but Im not on break yet
feels like it lol
Anyway, I read..a little
now im watching Harry Potter & The half Blood prince
by myself but im not lonely
im all cuddled up in the bed
in my own company
& im happy :)
i think i could REALLLLY get used to this!

Opportunity Knocking

2010-11-02T15:39:00.001-07:00

So, Im trying to find a better job
so i dont have to be...like..idk
i wish ym current boss would just not be such a dousche
im scared to get a new jjob
dont wanna lose the one i got and have to work too hard
and hate it even more
& i hate sales
see where God leads me
Ive got an interview at Etheria Salon
& soon enough with premiere promotions
i would prefer the second one
I gotta wait for that one.
Future looks good though :)

awesome day

2010-11-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

*deep breath* I knew november would be better.
im at home. no work tomorrow.
i hope the day goes by...the slowest EVER
ever.
so i can soak up every second.
get some reading done
& lounge & watch tv.
*deep breath*
exhaling.
finally

Avatar The Last Airbender

2010-11-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

I love this show.
My brother got me addicted to sponegbob
glad i have something else to watch now yay
at night i thought there was nothing on
my dad got me on this one
Aang looks just like my brother.

the coccoon

2010-11-01T12:30:00.000-07:00

..immediately lol
no but i feel like i was a caterpillar, though somehow "special" relative to the average caterpillar, still not a butterfly
and i held it off as long as i could
trying to belong with the other caterpillars
but i cant just crawl on the ground slinking along pretending i dont know how to fly
so im in my coccoon where outside influences cant disturb me
so my growth can have completely
all at once
& i will re-emerge..a butterfly

good day!

2010-11-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

tests out the way.
not too confident about either but i did the best i could
sometimes when you drop your balls to go chase a boy
its hard to get back juggling
but i tried
& i prayed
hopefully God will grant me grace & ill be able to keep my grades. if not, ill fight to pull them back up.
been trying to just be where i am today & just focus on the task at hand.
for the most part its been easy
i still feel socially withdrawn
but eh, lonely is not the word
just wierd i guess
& now i had like a strange random moment where i would normally cry
cause i feel unorganized & dont know what to do with some spare time
but i didnt. im gunna workout
i need to ill go home after
all i have to do today is turn in my biliography & my articles for the week
then ill be caught up
& if i stick with my faily tasks template, i wont fall behind again, ill stay mostly ahead. which is what i PLAN to do
also, diet is going well so far
i dont mind it
eff food i wanna be ripped.
the boy that i told you about, that kept checkin on me last week
stopped
didnt even text me today after we had class together
i bet he heard
whatever, those a holes will pay for what theyre doing
& im not around it so forget it
ive dealt with much worse scandalism
idk what will happen with the whole social thing
i plan to find other ways to occupy my time
maybe make some new friends elsewhere
or have friends..idk..elsewhere lol
but im ok by myself
just gotta find ways to occupy spare time that i enjoy
i keep thinking about my hair & how long its gunna take to grow
i just want it to be generally long, like medium length
after that it goes by fast
but shoot, the way time flies nowadays
ill wakeup one day & itll be there. no worries
im going to wear it up like..idk..forever.
i want it out of my face & i feel like ppl dont need to be looking at it
i dont wanna attract attention, i know..go figure
i think deep down im wanting to have like this come back
where ive been gone so long & randomly come back with long hair & a new attitude
idk if i can hold out that long
actually. i dont doubt it lol
i am loving this.
i cant think of one single occasion where i would need to remerge
i PLAN to..somewhat after christmas break
or at least reopen my fb account
until then, i feel like im still... [to be continued]

diligence

2010-10-31T21:05:00.001-07:00

its a virtue.. did u know that?
anyway im pulling a partial all nighter for my bio/soc tests tomorrow
i haaaaave to b familiar with this material. i want As on BOTH.
so i gotta do what it takes to pull it out!

psycho-strong

2010-10-31T19:27:00.000-07:00

okay, my mind is messed up
my thoughts tell me to do anything & everything to ruin myself
eat stuff im not supposed to eat
be sad over things that arent there anymore
surrounding me with negativity all day
but its not me. its my thoughts.
so eff that./ im gunna fight back.
im going to keep music in my ears. positive music so i will think about that.
instead of my thoughts
read inspirational stuff.
stay as close to God & the bible as i can
& not give into the thoughts.
i talk to myself now.
so why not say positive things
from now on im going to treat myself like i treat others
like a client or a friend
catering to their every need
never letting them settle for less than their best
so when im about to do something i dont wanna do
ill be there for myself to cheer myself on & not let me give up
no one else is gunna do it
fuck it. i wont do it out loud.
but my voluntary thoughts.
the voice that i can control
will be strong.
i can do this. i can fight this negativity.
& i want to be better because of the thingsa ppl have done to me
so when they do see me again
they will think WOW not "aww how sad".
im not going down without a fight.

Invisible

2010-10-31T16:24:00.001-07:00

thats how i feel most the time.
i feel like an alien on a planet of strange beings.
when does it end.

week almost over

2010-10-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

& im making it.
idc what anyone says, though no ones dared say it to me
i keep how i feel & what i am locked in
i believe in magic. God is magic.
he still does wonders if you look, or if you ask with faith in your heart
he will perform wonders for you.
i feel like what im doing is separating myself from all the distractions
so he can mold me into who he wants me to be, not who theyve made me
or who i let them make me
i dont wanna be the same
ill keep the good stuff, and just forget the bad
i wanna be better.
i feel like my values & my beliefs in my heart dont go along with what i do
how i look who i chill with
how i act
im so close to God and can you tell? no.
that has to change.
i want people to be able to feel it. and by looking at me, know that i am holy
i wanna be like Him, not them.
my tragic flaw was that i loved people
i did. my brothers & sisters. i saw the good & felt their pain.
i put myself in their shoes, but they dont fit.
i dont know how or why, but i know im not completely one of them
theres either something that IS in me or ISNT, that sets me apart.
i dont have a mean bone in my body, not consciously
though i know i have the power to hurt
i wanted to save them. but i saw the wrong victims
i havent found the people im to save yet
i think what i really need to do is get stronger & set a good example
& grow the hell up. i cant be putting my business out there on twitter & fb
people wont look up to me if they feel like im THAT much like them
i wont b able to reach the people i need to
either way, i just wanna be more like God made me
instead of all worldified.
i feel so disgusting sometimes
&stupid..like ill never recover from the injustice i just went thru
and my name in shambles
but eff my name. why should i care what they think
those that matter will see that He walks with me
those that dont, will be handled
i will not fear man anymore.
although no man will touch me.
& i cant wait til its been so long that they notice..
hey, none of us have touched her
i dont wanna glorify the dogs and the perpetrators
but I know God will deliver them into my hands
i will not grant them amnesty this time. no. im done with that.
im on my me ish right now.
im actually really looking for a church to get involved in.
i wanna go to Lakewood but im still a little squeemish and they make it so datgum hard to get to. i want something big so i have some anonymity. but not so big i cant park. id like to get involved in a youth group or bible study.
surround myself with more like minded people.
as for me. ive turned a new leaf. im gunna be me now.
im not sexy. im not sexUAL. im not that. i dont believe in that,
actually, i believe in modesty, love.
and i dont care what PEOPLE who THINK they know me think.
they dont know me.
i know in my heart...i am innocent.
im a little girl whos been doing grownup stuff trying to find love
but forget that, i see it now. way too late but its never too late to
turn to the light side foreal.
im pretty sure its been a month. if not, whatever cause its gunna be a WHILE
i dont even wanna let anyone get close enough to me.
to even ask.
and i think i ought to tell them ahead of time so they can get out if they want
but i gotta keep getting stronger
so my will will be strong enough to resist pressure
from anyone and not be broken
i wont even THINK about it
thats what i want.
to be so close to God that i can bring ppl closer thru me
but they cant pull me further from him
i thought id take a little break from the social world and then hop back in
but..i really just dont see that happening
i dont feel any different
im getting better without them
why go back to the place of my affliction.
even though i know eventually if i do return,
God will make me fruitful there.
Ephraim.
thats all i care about right now.
family will be my entertainment.
God. school. fitness.
ill watch movies for fun. go out & be in nature. idk
discover some new things about myself.
anyway..once octobers over, i have 4 days off in a row:) SWEEEETNESSSS

i hope people wonder where i am. i hope they think i switched schools. i hope months go by & when i reemerge they dont recognize me. & i hope some people who neve rthought theyd miss me, notice a gaping hole in their lives. i hope they feel my absence like darkness around them & i hope it thickens with the realization that if they wanted to find me, they couldnt.
only like 20 ppl even have my number now.
idc bout nothin. ive got a few obligations left. after that. SY-YA-FREAKIN-NARA
FREE AT LAST
thank you God. i love this,
he has healed me
if ever im unhappy,
its usually not because of the devil child. i actually rarely think of him.
i do want to improve on somethings though
i)complaining. all the time. so negative.
ii)talking to much. i wanna take a vow of silence & just listen. it doesnt help me to talk. but it could help other people for me to listen. i think i should get used to the silence.
iii) stop procrastinating & work on keeping commitments
iv)theres only a small part that still cares what ppl think. ppl like my aunt..& its because some of its true. i have somethings id like to fix. mostly i just want to stop telling people about me. & what i think. i dont really want to have opinions. i think now would be a great time to find & finally read A Course in Miracles.

Beauty from Pain

2010-10-30T19:23:00.001-07:00

this is damn anthem. hands down. forever. [and most likely my next tat]
Superchic(K) Beauty from pain.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Im Awake & Im Alive

2010-10-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

Pandora- Fireflight
Awake & ALive by Skillet
Christian Music. I love it.

http://mp3lyrics.org/7Urv
Lyrics Language: English

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Skillet Awake and Alive Lyrics:
[V1]
I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms

It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last

[Chorus]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want
'cause this is my life
here, right now
I'll stand my ground and
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/7Urv ]
never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive

[V2]
I'm at war with the world cause I
ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't
be bought or sold

When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again

[Bridge]
Waking up waking up
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you
breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that
I will give to you
Forever I will live for you
Lyrics: Awake and Alive, Skillet [end]

FUCK october

2010-10-30T17:39:00.000-07:00

worst month of the year.
hands down.
cannot WAIT til its over.
monday.
test @ 9am
then at 10am
bibliography for my paper in HETC due.
get outa class @ 230 & i think im gunna workout & go straight home.
CANT FUCKING WAIT.
fuck october.

Death

2010-10-29T13:26:00.001-07:00

I am...so different.
That night, when I cried my eyes out like a baby...i havent hurt that much or felt that much betrayal and pain since my ex had sex with my best friend.
So many times Ive lied to myself.
So many times i believed in someone based on the rare occasions
and some of the things they said
instead of their actions
and the most frequent offenses
so many times..every fucking day
i give and give and give
searching for love for so long
taking on the pain of the world
getting a thank you..like...once a month at MOST.
that night..it all came to a head.
ive been a victim too long i cant do it.
something inside me DIED.
& i cant bring it back to life.
i dont want to.
now i just want to be alone.
i see everyone as my enemy i do hope that part faDES
BUT...i dont wanna be who i was.
and i dont wanna hear ppls mouths
cause they didnt appreciate me before
eff them.
cause im not doing anything wrong.
i do not like college kids,.
except for the very rare sweet people
i dont care who l;ikes me, dislikes me
i dont give a damn if they HATE me
i do not care.
and no one will touch me. i dont even want them looking at me
ESPECIALLY boys.
as of now, in my mind, i have like 1 friend.
then i have fans.
and everyone else is just.. another taker with their hand out.
family. school. fitness. work to maintain.
thats it.
its gunna take a miracle to bring back a positive spirit in me
cause im a cinic right now. & a pessimist.
allllll i believe in is God.,
so my miracles coming. but meanwhile, eff faking it.
its about me right now.

bored to tears

2010-10-28T17:07:00.001-07:00

okay now im noticing.
no one texts. i wont text anyone.
facebooks boring even if i was on it
nothing to do nowhere to go
nowhere i wanna go
all i do is study & work
today was a wierd day
i feel off
and im sick of studying :(
but my grades are the only evidence of any of the hard work i do if i lose them
shit i just dont want to
looked at my boys on fb real quick
just to see their faces
adorable asses
anyway..idk i might go home this weekend
i been thinking bout food all bloody day. but i didnt eat anything i wanted to.
just green beans and almonds that wasnt listed but it aint bad
i know soemwhere deep inside if i am dieting & working out in my sleep
later on ill look up & go HEYYYY I LOOK AWESOME!
and that would b a nice feeling
i work so hard
and so much
i dont see any of the rewards
my whole life is work
i want something to be worth it,
anyway. ok ok i been stalling for 4 hours. ill study now
im bored to TEARS
but im trying to get the reading done then i can watch a movie
if i can watch movies i think ill b ok being antisocial.
though i might go home evry weekend just to be around ppl

PSALMS 69 - prayer for times of stress

2010-10-28T13:29:00.000-07:00

Psalm 69
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.

3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.

4 Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.

5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.

6 May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me,
O Lord, the LORD Almighty;
may those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me,
O God of Israel.

7 For I endure scorn for your sake,
and shame covers my face.

8 I am a stranger to my brothers,
an alien to my own mother's sons;

9 for zeal for your house consumes me,
and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.

10 When I weep and fast,
I must endure scorn;

11 when I put on sackcloth,
people make sport of me.

12 Those who sit at the gate mock me,
and I am the song of the drunkards.

13 But I pray to you, O LORD,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.

14 Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.

15 Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.

16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.

17 Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.

18 Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foes.

19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.

20 Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none.

21 They put gall in my food
and gave me vinegar for my thirst.

22 May the table set before them become a snare;
may it become retribution and [a] a trap.

23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see,
and their backs be bent forever.

24 Pour out your wrath on them;
let your fierce anger overtake them.

25 May their place be deserted;
let there be no one to dwell in their tents.

26 For they persecute those you wound
and talk about the pain of those you hurt.

27 Charge them with crime upon crime;
do not let them share in your salvation.

28 May they be blotted out of the book of life
and not be listed with the righteous.

29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.

30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.

31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.

32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!

33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.

34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,

35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;

36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.

anxiety

2010-10-28T13:27:00.001-07:00

yesterday was such a good day. & today i woke up extra happy
went to work happy
but as soon as i step into the doors
it fades
i hate it. & idk why like..i could stand it before
now i hate evrything about it just being there makes me like..negative
i ranted all day. all i did was talk shit
i need to stop gossipping. forever
its going to be hard to stop again
but ill pray for God to help me.
i keep having these anxiety attacks
i dont like a lot of people around me
& when ppl just SURROUND me. all talking, or askingfor something
especially strangers
or people im not close to
i dont like them in my space and i freak
i HATE people right now
i dont want them to be around me
i dont want to give them what they want
i want nothing to do with them
ive been serving people so long
i dont want to anymore
& i feel trapped & overwhelmed. i found a prayer. ill post that next

ADHD

2010-10-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

i took my damn medicine at like 11 today. 1030 or something like that.
it should not be wearing off at all.
but alas, i am hyper as shit. its so hard to focus!
im glad i prayed about this earlier
this happens when you hurt yourself or get hurt [injury]
you get tired of being locked up in your room & you want to play
so i prayed that when i get bored [inevitable] God would help me
not get complacent
& stay put. & continue.
even when i feel strong
i need to stay on the bench because im not 100% yet
im not protected & if i leave my protected place
God cant..not cant, he WONT protect me from breaking again
because i need to be patient
& when im not, and i dont pray for patience,
i get myself into trouble.
so now is a chance to NOT do what i always do.
to NOT jump right back into the fire when my burns start to heal
& NOT subject myself to injury too quick
heres my chance to develop patience
& learn not to get bored
i could entertain myself id love to go get a movie
but i need to study. this would b such great time to get on track & make the rest of this week less stressful
so i need to use this time
normally id be impulsive, text someone im not supposed to b tlaking to yet
or initiate a convo out of thirst
look for a boy to entertain me
but im trying to iliminate all thirst.
i dont want to want i dont want to need
so im giving it to God im going to pray for patience
and focus. may i be an example for myself
and keep track of this cause God answers
by GOD i will get this reading done by tonight
unlike all the other nights
& get on track so i wont be stressing
ive got 2 tests and a paper bibliography due on monday
while everyones out for halloween ill be studying
which i dont really mind actually.
gotta focus though
no time to be jumpin around

im just gunna say. theres a boy i have been thinking about.
that i plan to try really hard to steer clear of. i dont want to like anyone. i dont want to give anyone power over me
they all pretend to be nice
and what they say sounds real good.
he texts me when im not in class.
every morning actually.
hes checked on me everyday since i told em i was sick
offered to bring me soup
and this wknd when i told em i wasnt going out he offered to come c me
he found me on fb the first day of school & told me i was pretty
hes always sweet. but you know what
EFF THAT!!!!
cause they all start out sweet. hes a football player.
ill never touch another.
dont need them talking about me more.
hell make me think of the devil.
i dont want anyone. anymore.
& the fact that im thinking about texting him makes me see.
im not ready to play.
i cant come off the bench until my need and desire to play is gone.
then ill simply leave the bench and if im called in the game ok
but if not, ill go about life.

in laymans terms..the actual plan

2010-10-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

hiding. well, not hiding.
im not scared anymore.
but think of it like this.
if you break your ankle playing basketball...
1)you can no longer play basketball
2) you must break it back into place, and brace it
3)you still have to walk on it, just protect it from further irritation or injury

a)if you come off the bench too soon you might get hurt again and NEVER be able to play basketball again
-you have to protect it from further injury and let it HEAL.

a broken heart is worse. people cant see it. they dont watch out for you. no one would kick a broken ankle in a cast or knock down someone on crutches but ppl will pick at someone with a broken heart. if you expose your weakness they make it worse. so you have to hide it. & if you come out of rest too soon, it will most likely be rebroken again and take longer to heal.
the best is to cover it up, and just...rest. keep it out of peoples hands so they cant make it worse. Give God space and time to heal it.
so thats what im doing.

changed my # to prevent further injury from the source. so even if he wants to find me he cant. and avoiding him in public or private places, anywhere he might be. and anyone who connects me to or reminds me of him. & just focusing on the rest of life.
i cant see myself partying with these people anymore. why? idk who to trust. its kind of relieving to have no one to impress itll save me money. & if i like to dance ill dance in my room. if i dont play i wont get hurt. and its not fun anyway. so..idk how long. as long as i feel like..i think a month or so would be good. til my papers are all turned in and my tests are over.
fb is deactivated, not getting on twitter.
i mean i wanna win thebb.com contest and fb would help but idk if its my time & i just..its not worth everything else & getting all distracted right now my grades are the one thing ive done right that i said i would do that i might actually come thru on which could change my LIFE mentally, and increase my trust inmyself. and get me more $ for next year, raise my gpa, just..nothing but positives. so schools my main priority right now. i wanna study.
and be on track and not stress.
and not worry bout nobody but me which feels great.
i dont feel bad because they dont worry bout me and i dont ask them to,
the more independent i get and used to myself
the more i learn to like and love myself
the better people will treat me in the future
the less ill need them
i need to stay away.
especially from the boys.
until i absolutely have no feelings for the devil child
no inclination to speak to or see him
til he means absolutely nothing to me
i think the only way to know this for sure is if i could move on
without feeling like im giving up the chance to be with him
i cannot play ...
at all, until i am fully healed
i never let anything fully heal
i always jump right back into the game
im impatient
im trying to eliminate all distractiosn and let God make me into any awesome person
so im going to focus on school
try to find other fun things to do besides going out
workout
& just..live life for ME and thats it
ill eb there when ppl need me
but im not going out of my way
or even offering the milk
unless they specifically need something
that only i can give
if its not too much trouble
i dont plan on being around
im not going to c anyone spend time with anyone
got one last bday and im done
everyone else gets a happy bday and thats it
period.
ill come out when God tells me to.
& i cant imagine it being like before.
im ready for something else
som ething more fulfilling.
social life isnt life
its death.

Once a Good Girl Really Goes Bad

2010-10-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

today was a loooottt better than yday.
it was hump day.
a day i usually love.
cause i get to go socialize and let everyone see me
have everyone callin my name and feel popular
dance a little.
the UC, a place to congregate. where you almost always see someone you know
i heard my song blaring
i walked as fast as i could into the caf i knew no one would b there
i ate my lunch & wrote in a book about the things i was grateful for
i need some me time
some extended me time
i realize now..ive spent my life tryna belong.
tryna make ppl like me. make em see the good in me i knew was there,
but it wasnt good enough for me
i never fully acknowledged the good in MYSELF
always seeing it in others
all ive ever cared about, whether id admit it or not
is how others saw me
always thinking, no matter how many ppl absolutely hate me,
most ppl who meet me think im purpose
having this wierd pseudo-celebrity status
where ppl think so highly of you
they wont really get close to you
they think you dont have feelings
& when they see a weakness they jump on it like rabies squirrels on a nut
[that was a fantastic simile]
but anyway. ive been obsessed with having friends
being loved
earning approving
fitting in
always tryna find someone who cared as much as i do
actin like a little kid,
no. i CHOOSE not to be nieve anymore
believing something doesnt make it true
ppl r evil.
seeing the good in them will get you killed
i leave myself as open pray by being this bleeding heart
in a see full of sharks
seriously. who am i helping?
im making bad people into monsters
turning everyone into greedy horders.
its not acceptable.
ive always had this sense of respnsibility
every since 11th grade..to save the world
to use my gifts to save the world.but not just the world
teenagers. but ive been "saving" the wrong ones
the spoiled brats who need punishment
giving them a shoulder to lean on
absorbing everyones pain. so im ALWAYS in pain. trying to prevent others from ever having to go thru what i do
always giving ppl what they want.
treating the world like my child
all sacrificing
anything to feel loved. no,
not anymore.
ive always know there was a compromise
either i learn to accept that they dont care and stop doign what im doing
or keep doing what im doing & just be more understanding of the fact that they dont care
now im seeing both sides. i never though id break.
thought id keep taking shit forever,
forever doomed to be this martar, this victim. no.
cause im not helping anyone in a way that they really need it.
the part of me helping ppl, God will send them to me
& put me in a place where the ppl that NEED me can be reached.
here...these are the regular, guilty, evil selfish hearted people
they dont need to be given MORE
they dont need anyone to feel sorry for them and
politely lie down so they can walk their dirty feet across me.
i am allowed to look out for myself. maybe my calling is not RIGHT NOW.
maybe this is a stage where im allowed to grow & develop into that person
& i need to protect the heart thats going to help THOSE ppl one day.
i gotta make it there first.
i mean i understand trying to be all i can be
but I dont think God wants me to be a pansy
I asked him to harden my heart & i think thats what hes doing
i wouldnt intentionally hurt someone.
im still not evil. not one bit.
just a little more apathetic & less blind.
less romantic THANK GOD!
now i see that these are children foreal. ungrateful children that have to grow on their own i cant expect them to think and behave like decent people that some of them will never evn become
i dont have to give away my milk for free the world has no shortage of milk
& people mooch enough they take enough they dont need to be given anymore
so im sucking up every last drop of milk into the deepest trenches of my being
God has the key to a double vaulted safe that its in
someone will have to seriously look for Him & then show EFFORT to get in now
i mean im going to be celibate. foreal.
i never wanted to do half the shit i did. i did it cause i thought ppl would stay
i thought ppl would c me going against my will for them
i thought sleeping in that hospital bed would make him see that i was oging to be there for him, something a normal GOOD person would value.
i thought beiong the only one to be their for my friends bday would b good..
thought she deserved it. no one deserves shit.
seriously., i see no good in anyone now. theyre going to have to show me
that theyre not like everyone else.
im not gunna walk around talking about how one deep i am
im not gunna walk around at all
im not gunna make boys jump thru hoops to make myself feel good when i have absolutely no intention of them ever winning
im not gunna make statuses and develop this identity as this person
thoough i am going to become strong & i will hold onto that.
this is a battle inside me., im thru talking
im gunna just live what i believe & ppl will either see or they wont
but it wont matter. because in my heart ill b happy with myself
& know that God is with me and what else matters?>
too long ive looked to people for the answer.
they cant undo my childhood neglect. they cant make my parents love me
or make up for that
no one can undo the hurt ppl have caused me except God
& then once its all better, i can protect myself from further injury
by not putting myself in dangerous situations anymore
i gotta see signs and be real with myself
i dont want to fall in love
dont want a click
dont want to be popular
i dont give a damn who likes me or doesnt
cause what do i get out of friendships with these ppl?
birthdays to remember only for mine to be forgotten
whining to listen to
a tired as shoulder from crying faces slobbering all over it
lowkey jealous ass comments tryna make me feel bad
demands and no thank yous
texts and calls to wait for
hopes to get up and be let down?
no fucking thank you im done chasing
peopple make me feel more & more empty
ive yet to find someone to be able to hold out the pleasant surprise
foreal.
what do they geT?
anything & everything they want
someone they can call on 24-7
that will defend them no matter what
& walk on tippy toes as not to hurt them
all my time money energy love
eff that
i have no love
the only love i feel besides my family & like..a few other ppl
is for God. that is IT.
i love school too. kind of.
& im starting to love myself.
starting to find out who that person is.
whats HER worth.
i will never be BAD because i love God & i will do whats right.
but this whole..sweetheart getting stomped on...no.
absolutely not.
the next boy...will be my slave. or he will be ignored.
he will pay every fucking cent for the first DROP of milk.before he even gets to hear about it. because i dont want to give it. at all. never did. & im taking it back. for the sins of the previous, the following will work. period.
im not God. no way. but he blessed me with SO much to give. im not blessing devils anymore. no way. im not attracting myself to people that pull me further from God ANY-MORE. im done trying to fit in how can you be like GOD and not stand out and theres no one else i want to be like.
heartless. i might be. cause He has my heart now. its safe.
right now im mad as hell cause im still hurt but im healing.
& now i feel pretty good knowing that I warned the perpetrator.
I warned him. i told him id never hurt him. but that God protects the innocent.
& he takes it upon himself. his hands were already dirty. and he touched me.
but i am cleansed because i prayed & repented. he did not.
he gloated. & i gave him i think3 chances to redeem himself thru me.
thru compassion to show he wasnt evil but he didnt and he is.
NOW, that everyone he is close to, and he himself KNOWS. even though he doesnt believe i do.
when it comes back to him now, maybe for the first time
hell know why,.
i always hated how ppl could do me wrong, then when their karma came they just got to feel more like victims becayse they had no idea why.
this one will know.
because i was not untrue.
i did not bring it upon myself i tried to do right.
& he rewarded my good with evil.
i dont have to touch him i wouldnt.
God will. & he will show him what happens to people who mess with his children.
he is no son of God. im allowed to hate enemies of God.
i dont hate him. but pay, he will.
these words i believe with all ym heart & for the way they come to me i know theyre true God hasnever ever not come through on this.
i asked him to defend me where i cannot defend myself and he does.
im back safe in his arms and im not leavbing anymore.
people...can kiss my ass.
God...is my home. i no longer need to search.
im safe inside resting while my heart heels.
& when i am once again free to roam among the people...
ill be different.
im different now.
but only i know why.& thats the only persont that needs to know.
my requests have been granted my weakness have been relinquished.
i no longer long for love
i no longer seek the approval of thew majority
i no longer hate myself
i no longer hold my head down
im no longer searching
PEOPLE will no longer control me
im no longer their slave.
im free.
life can start now.

negativity

2010-10-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

im just so mad.
at the world. at everyone i know.
i was so sweet. so goodhearted. so full of love,
seein the good in everyone no matter what they did?
now, no.
damn theres like 2 ppl i even consider friends
all i see when i see ppl r perpetrators
there s not one single person i want to see or b around
its crazy only 1 girl has my new # the rest r boys
im tryna get strong
but im so fucking mad.
honestly, its better.
everyday sucks. im pissed off& i dont wanna do have the shit i have to do
i feel fat right now & im irritated as fuck cause i went to workout
& couldnt cause the track was all fucked up
& i still feel sick
feels like i cant catch a break
i hate everyone. there is no love in my heart
i see no good in anyone
except the 2 boys i cant talk to right now
cause they saw good in me
life has become a responsibility.
all day long im doin shit i dont wanna do
workin my ASS OFF
just to maintain?
all these bitchass friendships
my fuckin boss milkin the shit out of me
& rippin me off every five seconds
lookjin for a new job
so fuckin tired of workin minimum wage fuck ass jobs
where the hardest worker gets paid the least. no.
im literally not going to class just to avoid one person
who im still pissed as fuck at
always a reminder theyre all the same
i hate bein so bitter i know its not right
its been so long since i had nay positive thoughts
since i was happy.
since i felt good.
not a fan of this person
im bitter as fuck. like a perpetual bad mood BUT no mood last forever.
it can go on for weeks and obviously months BUT not forever
AT LEAST i dont desperately want to be in love anymore
which is an extremely dangerous WEAKNESS to have in college
where there is no love
im surrounded by evil, selfish, ungrateful children
who obviously just want to eat me alive
& then blame me
so mad. at so many ppl.
ALSO i dont plan on giving at all anymore.
idc if ppl see me as a good person
idc if they see me at all i already feel invisible
& abused & unappreciated
& im not givin a damn thing cause no one deserves it
these ppl dont need my help. they need forgiveness
cause theyre evil & selfish & they deserve what they get
i know im not perfect
i get that. but i never thought i was
everyone else thinks theyre perfect
& the whole world should just b more like them
im not livin in a fantasy anymore
i see it
& although its impossible for me to be optimistic
& im feeling very pessimistic right now
dont believe in anything but God
no hope for the future
no pissibility of a reason to smile.
AT LEAST im realistic. AT LEAST they dont have the power to break my heart anymore
cause i do not believe in them i do not expect any good from them
there is no love left in me
AT LEAST i wont be a victim nowe
AT LEAST
i wont get taken advantage of
or feel stupid or BE stupid
AT LEAST i know when i finally get better
which because God is a merciful God, i know i will at least within the next year
AT LEAST i know it wont happen again
cause im finally smart
iu finally get it
& when i get through this
as much as i resent the whole MOTHERFUCKING thing
AT LEAST ill b stronger.
so they can stop benefitting off of my pain
every fucking day fo ym life
i have removed all sources of pain in my life
& once i stop creating it for myself
i can live again
& wont have to worry about a repeat.
im not the same person.
i cant say i like who this is.
i personally ..was a good person before
i didnt fucking deserve all the motherfucking bs ppl put me thru
the world is a bad place full of bad ppl
& as long as im not doing anything WRONG at least ill b safe now.

weight of the world

2010-10-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

i wonder how many of these i can write in one day
now you can see how much i think about this shit
if i was in highschool, or a grownup just working one job everyday
then coming home for like 5 or 6 hours of leisure time everyday
i feel like maybe i could handle it
but i dont barely have any leisure time
i dont have any time to just sit & relax or cry
i almost always miss something
2 jobs. 5 classes. trying to stay in shape
trying to not go insane alone and maybe have a few things
like..how long do i have to do this
im just a kid
& ive got this big boulder on my shoulders
its so fucking heavy like
i cant set it down for 2 seconds to rest & i feel like ive bitten off more than i can chew
but its too late to turn back
or rest
& if i give up one thing theyll all fall like dominoes
i cant afford to live where i live without my two jobs
and i dont wanna burden sandra anymore
i just..idk what to do.
ill keep praying

Isolated with the pain

2010-10-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

when i cry, you cry, we cry, together.
no, i cry alone.
& i have to. every night every day i have to force myself to get through this
idk how else to get strong
i cant keep depending on ppl
& i need the boys to think im okay
i wont let him flatter himself thinkin he won
he might have. & it might be killing me
but next time they see me i wanna b over it
idk how long thats gunna take
& right now i really just feel like i can barely get thru the night
i dont want em back i dont miss em
im offended. im hurt. i feel betrayed and stupid
i dont wanna feel this way & theres no end in sight
but everyday i dont lean on them makes me stronger
id like to lean on someone..but eh, not really
it just feels wierd having my number changed
songs keep playin in my head
i dont wanna write articles im still sick
damn sure dont wanna go to work
1 day off is surely not enough.
but i gotta force it. God give me strength. im trying

not gon cry

2010-10-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

cant find another song that helps.
feel so damn dumb.
i prayed. had a good talk with God.
i know ill be okay. its a matter of time now.
i know my scars will heal. my hair will grow.
all the damage theyve done will be invisible.
& i wont let this happen again.
it just fuckin sucks. damn.
so damn dumb.
but fuck it. gotta get thru it somehow.
changing the number gives u a brief sense of control
im still sick though
no damn appetite. [actually, not trippin on that]
i need to study. as always its hard to focus
but its been like this all this month
i still manage somehow.
i wanna die almost everyday. yet i still get up.
still go to class. still go to work. still smile sometimes.
still try to live. even though i wanna crawl into a hole
& sleep til i feel better.
nothing reall makes it better.
the boys did for a while. had to let them go though.
i gotta let everyone go. cause they do not help.
im just like..at least i accept it.
its like getting kicked repeatedly in the balls
but everyone gets their heartbroken
especially me. how many times have i done this
guess i just, wanted to be over it
but i hold onto shit so thats my fault.
i never wanna give uop. i do now though.
i dont want him back. dont wanna work it out.
just wanna wash the regret off.
get as far from the situation as possible.
so i can...feel...unburdened.
i said i wanted to disappear. these bdays are bout to be over.
so im doin it now. ill fake it every day.
& find a way to make it through & be strong.
praying that every new day that comes will be that day
when i finally feel better
but im takin this time to do some work on myself
i do too much for ppl
if they need me, the boys at least, i hope God lets them know my spirit is still with them
& maybe ill come back
but right now, this is the closest i can get to a break
& i just hope the ppl i do have to come in contact with can let up a little bit
i dont wanna talk about it
i dont expect their sympathy
i just wanna get thru the day
so i guess ill just take it one day at a time
its kinda like diary of a mad black woman.
which i probably need to watch..one day at a time
thank God for every day. sometimes one minute at a time
little by little you get used to being alone
its not so hard to get outa bed
you start to forgive yourself
& love yourself again
you start to want to live again
the joy slowly reenters. & u find peace
i spent the last 3 wks just trying to accept
now that i have, & i see this person is not nor was he ever my friend
it hurts. im not gunna lie. i could compare it to so many painful things
a stab in the kidneys
lazeration of a limb
someone dying.
you dying.
pain. pain you wish you didnt feel
victimization that you cant fight & cant defend
just..constant nagging pain that wont go away
i realize every day will be hard
i wont want to get up i just gotta do it
gotta go to class gotta pay attention
dont gotta worry about pretendin to be happy for ppl tho
pretendin to be strong
pretend smiling
hopefully i wont see no one.
so i can just let it hurt,. thats the only way itll heal
lying about it & trying to pretend the wounds arent there wont help
so ill try to just toughen up & deal with it
but i dont want nobodys help i dont want their input
just wanna get thru the days
patiently awaiting a break. im gunna try not to spend any $ that i dont have to
so that when my hours decrease at work ill have money & wont be tryna get a 2nd job again. dont want to. wanna rest.
eventually i wont need to write.
its like..going into a coccoon.
maybe when i come out ill be a pretty butterfly.
maybe people wont recognize me
i dont want them to worry
im not doing this for attention. screw attention i dont want it
screw popularity screw ppls approval i do not care
i only want Gods approval & im not stayin in places that annoy me just to stay liked. they offer me nothing
i need a break. thats it. period. to recooperate from all the bullshit that has dragged me down & all the stupid stuff ive done & just let God wash away my sins & build me back up
i want to disappear. & thats what i plan to do.
im not going out halloween screw it i dont wanna go out.i dont want to look sexy i dont wanna be around ppl i dont wanna socialize i do not care.
i do not care i do not care i do not care
thats not who i am i am not that person
i dont wanna be
im waiting for God to shape me into who he wants to be
and im separating myself from people, food, boys, sex..all my little quick fixes to make me feel something
so he can fix whats broken once and for all and i wont need those things
mental spiritual emotional transformation thats what i need
ill probably cry
eventually ill stop
then i just wont anymore. i have a headache and im sick
and i wanna wakeup from this horrible ass dream.
but its real. i get it now. its real.

Escape

2010-10-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

went back over there yesterday
thats my family
but they are too close to him
spent about 3 hours crying my eyes out to everyone in the room
so they jumped his ass when he came back
& he chopped me up in a text
i cussed his ass out. & changed my #
ill do anything to get away from him.
even if i have to give up the one group of me ppl that truly cuts for me
deactivated my fb
& im not getting on twitter
i need a break
im wounded & im pissed & i dont trust
they can do w/o me
i want a break
& since im not gunna get one on my own im taking one
im not going to class today
i have a chem test this afternoon i need to study for.
i ought to have plenty of time now.
went & got the situation taken care of,
im clean now.
but in my mind...its just...bad.
took my heart back, heard too much last night
my mind may be insane
& i may have human sinful nature
but my heart is pure & it is big & golden
it doesnt deserve what i let ppl do to it
so from now on im giving it to the only person who deserves it
God.
& he can decide who will ever get it again
but no one will touch me
apparently hes a dog. he just does this
he uses people
he lies, everyone knew but me
i was fooled.
he got her pregnant.
curse him & that devilspawn thank God it wasnt me
i want to move schools
anything to be away from him
im not just gunna sit in the front anymore
im gunna sit in the front on the other side

i love those boys...so much. & im going to miss them
but eff it. everyday has been a fight for months
i need time to get over this ish
i told them id come back for them
my prediction...all hell will break loose
because no one wanted me to leave
& he is to blame
now he will be seen for the true evil that he is
i told him if he ever spoke to me again id kill him
changed my # he cant get to me now.
i wont give it to them..maybe later
honestly theres no one i particularly want to have it
im not going out halloween
im not going out...til i really just feel like it. i dont want to see anyone. im going to go to the friend to clean her fucking car
then im done. no more doing for ppl.
these arent the ones that need me
i want to separate myself from the world.
& get so close to God that i will be strong
& firm & immovable
so that i can only bring ppl closer to him
but they cant pull me away
i want everything i have to be tied to him
that is all i want.
ill focus on school.
working out.
dont really feel like eating.
im not who i was.
im different.
this time, God will cover my nakedness with holy robes. and armour.
no more.
never again.
finally, i have learned.
i will not give.
i will not give the milk for free.
someone will buy this cow.
id rather be alone
i dont want anyone.
i dont want them around me bc they just take
i get absolutely nothing from being around ppl. so im going to avoid them.
no one will find me.
until i decide they can. thats all.

Sampson

2010-10-23T21:28:00.001-07:00

my hair..
people dont know what it is
or why it is HOW it is
anatomically, human heads have hair follicles that are supposed to increase hair length about .5 inches per month. I get a good inch.
I see it as a symbol to God. Of my inner beauty & my growth
when im growing, my hair is long & thick & lustrous & soft
despite all the damage thats been done to it over the years
what is coming out of my head currently is new, unstained
brand new virgin hair
and its so pretty.
my hair is growing FAST right now.

treading water

2010-10-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

im naked. staring at a closet full of clothes thinkin "i have nothing to wear"
& wondering damn like, who am i?
i felt like i always knew
but now. im naked. im bare.
idk what i like, i know a little of what i dont.
idk where im going, been runnin in place for a minute
its like i fell off a boat & now im just swimmin in the middle of the ocean
so far out i cant even see where ive been
so tired i barely remember
im cold & lonely
& i have NO idea where or IF theres any solid ground
i continue to pray
believing God is there with me. i know He is.
im just tired. very very tired and there is no end in sight. its beyond disheartening
its like okay yea swimming for the rest of my life will make me stronger
but ...how strong do i need to be?
its almost cruel.
youd almost rather drown but its like no that would be too easy.
instead you just keep effing swimming. forever. sigh.
theres GOT to b a lighthouse or a freaking boye [idk how to spell that] around here somewhere i can ask directions or just rest,
i need rest bad. right now im just irritated as fuck
but i just wait, i wish God would send me an angel to pick me up & fly me to dry land
but i know he has a plan
for the first time,truly i cannot IMAGINE what it is.
idk mayeb thats the point
maybe hes letting me swim around in circles so i can finally get lost enough to forget the past & the future & he can recreate me better & take me somewhere ill be able to stay
at some point, i did jump off the boat.
so apparently i wasnt happy there anyway.
idk maybe i was pushed. maybe i fell.
i dont remember shit. its crazy. what is this?
i hate it. i have some ideas, but i dont KNOW anything anymore
idk why i do half the shit i do i just wake up
and repeat.
i wakeup, go to class, go to work, workout.
but the only thing that really is rewarding is my grades
when theyre high that feels good.
working? i dont see any of it really. its mostly just maintanance. to avoid being broke. but i work HARD & i dont see any of it.
then theres working out. im actually starting to see some results from that no lie
but even then. shit idk. i do it because its better than getting fat,
hoping that someday if i fall asleep at the wheel, but somehow manage to keep driving
ill end up somewhere [with a beasty body lol] instead of being fat
so im doing everything to keep up.
i cant wait til this testing period is over so i can get back caught up & start fresh & be a little more relaxed
today at work i was so damn tired & i just didnt wannt be there
itslike being sick would b a blessing just so i could get a damn day off
i am the only one who never takes off. when ppl are sick or they have other engagements they take off. not me. i work all the effing time
& im just hoping one day itll pay off though i cant imagine how
its a preventative thing.
i want like a full week where i can just chill not work not have school not have to worry about NOTHING & do whatever i want!!!! omg
but what i think i really need is a damn life
i need something that makes me feel as good as boys do
so i dont need them
i cant tell you how much i want to not even think about them anymore
idk. i just keep .."living" waiting to really be alive.
I know God sees me. it doesnt necessarily feel like punishment anymore.
its just boring. & i feel purposeless and confused mostn the time
but maybe this is good
maybe he stripped me to rebuild me in his image.
which is what i wanted.
nmow that i think. i remember
half the time idk what i want
idk what i need
i dont even know how to pray i dont know what to ask for
i want to go to church tomorrow & i hope the message gets to me
i hope i feel something
i hope i get what i need to get done tonight so i dont have to worry about it tomorriw
& wakeup ontime. its better than not.
idk. shits got to get better. im changing though
in a big way
idk..what the HECK is going on and i cant lie im not a fan
but God wouldnt do it if it wasnt good
no matter how it seems sometimes i know I have found favor in his eyes
I know the things that happen arent due to him & that he is pulling strings to save me right now
i know better days await me
i know

Damn near a month later... moving on

2010-10-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

its been almost a month since we first met. that first amazing day I thought would save my life.
but it didnt.
I still think about him all the time
i still find myself imagining ways to fx it in my head
but after all this time, im starting to accept
i mean do want to let em go? no
but shit, what choice do i have?
what is all this rebellion in my head REALLY doing to improve the situation
when i cry, i cry alone
when i hurt, i hurt alone
he has no clue unless i tell him
& i dont tell anyone but this stupid blog
sorry blog, youre not stupid. that was the anger talking
im not even..angry anymore
its just...boredom now i think.
im lonely. yea yea we know, but its becoming the norm now.
& i think ive just gotten over the whole thing
i cant stay mad
i cant hold it aqgainst him
so me developing this "im right, hes wrong" attitude is a fail
i cant do it.
i dont think my reality is distorted.
he does have good in him, ive seen it.
& we COULD b good together. the potential is there.
its just what i emphasize in my mind & what i ignore that is detrimental to the goal of getting over or letting go.
i tend to emphasize this suspended world of imaginary could-should-bes
and ignore the facts
the facts i emphasize are only facts in terms of the past
they are currently untrue.
the current facts are that we dont speak
he doesnt make an effort to contact me or be close to me
and if he is close to me he will not interact with me
he is with another girl
the girl he was with before me
& not only that theyre "engaged".
this has been the case for a good 2 weeks now
it would be a logical conclusion to draw that they are happy
or he wouldnt be with her
that hes not missing me TOO much or hed act on it
& that if he doesnt see or talk to me, as convenient as it would be
its because he chooses not to.
does this hurt? um, not really. not anymore. Thank you God for that.
its..not what i would choose, but its not pain i feel because of it
it is what it is.
seeing him does it kill me now? no. in fact, id rather be around him than not
if im honest i could have found somewhere else to put my friends bday surprise
but i saw it as an opportunity to be around him
& he slept the whole time. everyone in the room spoke and we all had fun while he slept. so these are things that i am doing, maipulating the situation to be near to him even if he dont speak. the best way i can put it is,
he has my heart. why would one not want to be where there heart is?
the most favorable situation would be an return or exchange.
clearly id prefer he either give my heart back, or keep it & give me his as collateral.
but he isnt holding it captive, he doesnt want it.
me resisting the situation keeps it with him. in time, it would naturally float back to me realizing it is where it isnt wanted.
so its a mental thing. but alas, he does have it. so i seek to be as near to it as possible. to feel like im whole even if just for a while.
while he slept, i could pretend that if he woke up we'd speak. but its a lie.
so i see why id want to be around him.
& i dont care what ppl think. if he came back & made me happy id still date him f what they say BUT thats not the case
what are my issues/.? why did i leave?
1)he doesnt appreciate me 2)he loves himself more than me 3) he treats me bad 4)he wasnt affectionate enough & we didnt spean enough time together 5)***he didnt care if i stayed or left [i had lost my value to him]. so i had to go.
i went, he didnt tell me to. so we know there was soemthing wrong.
but alas, he wins out if we look at it that way,
he has my heart, hers, and his. so he wins.
me, um, im pursuing my own inner victory at least. i think.
either way it doesnt hurt anymore. i miss em. whatever.
cause my suffering is unproductive.
but i see that, if he came back, i have conditions
i want an apology. i want him to SHARE the blame with me not put it all on me. i want him to humble himself & value me. i want an exchange.
but whats looking more likely is a return
so i mean if were going to look at what would be the more profitable transaction. the return, or for me to just take it back.
i could take a passive approach. i could pray every, keep faith in him, and wait patiently for him to return all the while believing they wont workout and its only a matter of time til he comes back to me. believing he still has feelings for me. a belief that would not be supported by evidence. this is a risky transaction. its letting him keep my heart while he has hers, waiting for him to make a choice, unaware that he has both options, hoping that he will magestically just happen to pick me and decide to give me his heart to keep mine,,,which he doesnt realize he has? yea, not too logical.
i could take the active a;pproach, which i wont. cause it fails everytime. actively chasing someone who is running from you..not too cool.
plus both these options further devalue me which is counterproductive.
the only win-win situation to be created is if i take my heart back, and let time mend it back together [mentally let him go, since i already have physically, and go on with my life without pursuing this imaginary reunion in my thoughts]. this way, i get to grow up and keep my sanity while being happy and eventually moving on and he gets to keep her and not be taunted by my ..stalking. just forget about me, and enjoy what he has. and she gets him. eventually ill get someone too. so thats what im choosing.
if his roomies talk to me, ill talk back. i do like them. & if his cousin wants me to come over, if i want to, and if i am not busy, and i can convince myself that i would still b inclined to go were he not there, then i can choose to go. they ARE fun & i DO love their company. BUT i should not try to keep the bond with them just to keep tabs on him or keep myself in his life. i gotta remove all evidence. this means i cannot initiate contact with him, even indirectly. i have to go to class in all my regular routes. sit in the front of class, nowhere near him & not look for him. & not try to make it so he sees me. if i dress up, it should be because i want to not just in case he sees me because hes made it clear my looks are not enough to impress him. thats really it.
i have to consciously and fully accept the facts. and stop resisting them through thought and through deed. i have to remove him as a motivation for anything i do in my life. there is no con to this choice. either way, we both win. If i get over him, and go on with my life and he comes back
a) if he comes back with remorse, an open heart and open mind, seeking peace and forgiveness..then i can call back the feelings & choose to take him back. or start over with more perspective this time. knowing if he stays great but i dont NEED him.
b)if he comes back thinking oh shes crazy but ill give her another chance, like hes doing me a favor and i see that nothing has changed, the only purpose served being to show that it was not all me to blame, then i can opt out of re-entering the relationship or choose to be just friends.
part 2, if he doesnt come back, i wont notice. i wont be sad ill just go on with life and itll be a thing of the past like so many other relationships that didnt work. i will be free from pressure or guilt and stronger for all i went through. he wins if he comes back CORRECTLY he gets me. if he doesnt he gets her. & either way i win. so this is clearly the best choice.
at least im still smart enough to verbalize all this so well and structurize it so..perfectly. im growing. i feel wierd. but im growing.
the songs i listen to are different.
for once i dont WANT to cry. i dont WANT to b sad.
i need not worry about looking strong or "winnin". how could you win when you lose someone you care about? in that sense, obviously HE won. but thats ego. i can still live. once i find something to live for.
i plan to get a freaking life now.
everyone has one/. i think its the key to being able to have a successful relationship. cause you have soemthing going for you besides it.
so im on to the trail of personal growth.
i just had a vision of sand
cant wait to see some.[read treading water if you dont get the metaphor]

A little bit stronger

2010-10-23T20:39:00.001-07:00

Woke up late today, and I

still feel the sting of the pain,

but I brush my teeth anyway;

got dressed through the mess

and put a smile on my face.

I got a little bit stronger.

Ridin' in the car to work, and I'm

tryin' to ignore the hurt,

so I turned on the radio --

stupid song made me think of you.

I listened to it for a minute,

but then I changed it.

I'm gettin' a little bit stronger;

just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hopin'

that we can work it out.

I'm done with how it feels,

spinnin' my wheels, and

lettin' you drag my heart around.

And oh; and I'm done thinkin'

that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen overnight, but you

turn around and a month's gone by,

and you realize you haven't cried.

I'm not givin' you an hour or a second

or another minute longer.

I'm busy gettin' stronger.

And I'm done hopin'

that we can work it out.

I'm done with how it feels,

spinnin' my wheels, and

lettin' you drag my heart around.

And oh; and I'm done thinkin'

that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger.

Just a little bit stronger.

I'm gettin' on without you baby.

Better off without you baby.

How does it feel without me, baby?

I'm gettin' stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hopin'

that we can work it out.

I'm done with how it feels,

spinnin' my wheels, and

lettin' you drag my heart around.

And oh; and I'm done thinkin'

that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same,

but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger.

Get a little bit stronger.

Just a little bit stronger.

A little bit; a little bit;

a little bit stronger.

Get a little bit stronger.

sara evans. she said it ALL

Growing up

2010-10-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

so..got the call.
one of the situations was negative, got lcuky.
the other is positive.
i was so upset, i finally texted the old flame that brought it about
I just told him in a sincere way how i felt about what he did
& he responded, unlike most, in a reciprocal sincere way
thank you God
for putting the right words in ym mouth
i feel 100% better about the situation
& i got my friend back!

by the way, last night was amazing.
went to the boys cousins room [cuz i love his roomies] & chilled with them all night
he was sleep the whole time
it was great i missed thenm so much
now everyones connected so we dont have to be apart anymore i lvoe it yay
whatever happens with him, cool
im not gunna be dogged no more
but with them, im glad i met em
theyre like family now :)
what i always wanted! im tired though so ima get a nap in lol

give up

2010-10-21T20:56:00.000-07:00

i know only time will get me to do that
stupid stupid stupid stupid heart
worst heart ever
does absolutely nothing but ruin my life
cant stand it
what purpose does it serve but to make the greedy greedier
and the mean meaner
the demanding more demanding
the cruel crueler
the selfish more selfish
the rich richer
& to make me absolutely positively useless and miserable
weak forever
when does it end?
when does it REALLY get better?
where is the light at the end of the tunnel
or should i just learn to live in the dark

running in place

2010-10-21T20:48:00.001-07:00

i might as well put this song on replay forever. its always playing in my head
& i sing it when im in the care
it just really captures my situation
so i texted his cousin
secretly hoping i could go over there
idk if i even want him. i dont think i do
i want him to want me
damn i feel so fuckin undesireable ya know?
the drought is in full effect
foreal. i cant get the time of day
i know everyones gotta be lonely sometimes
youd think id get used to it
i feel like im running in place
dk where im goin
or if im getting closer
& for some reason i cant stop looking back
why did i go on his fb & look at his pics?
i cant really just..see us together like i could before
& i can look @ him happy w/ her w/o crying
i dont feel a sense of possession anymore
i just..have trouble getting close to ppl
& i got close to him. & his roomies.
then abruptly, you gotta change it all
still adjusting to the new situation.
living by myself, sleeping by myself every night
knowing if something super duper fun came up to do tomorrow that involved having a date..i wouldnt have one
absolutely no prospects no hope
just so so super single. which i hate. but w/e.
what can ya do. but listen to this song over & over
until my brain stops.
til im so far away when i look back all i see isthe trail i leave behind
these nights suck. feels wierd. but im not crying. guess ill study.
its crazy, when i got the idea i guess i thoughtid text his cousin
& somehow get him to invite me over
then id go over & just act like i came to see him
& ignore the other one'& like..chill
idk, show him im not crazy? blah. hes probably caking with her.
idk. i did my hair & shit. knowing he wont see it he wont care
he knows im attractive.
i think he sees me every morning. it doesnt phase him.
hes faithful now & he thinks hes too good for me,
we cant be friends
we cant just chill.
my mind annoys me when it works like this
like im so desperate for approval. attention. company of a male.
but theres only a few ppl i like, that i feel comfortable with
& its all a bust now. im gunna surprise antoinette for her bday tomorrow
shes really upset right now i hope it helps
im upset too. guess im just, tired of it.
but i know..even though it has been like this for a long long long long time,
it cant stay like this forever.

spoke too soon

2010-10-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

wierd mood. but now i get it
it wasnt just him
im lonely
its been 2 years
i know exactly what i want
& i cant have it
its like it doesnt exist
gotta be patient
but at least i know what iot is now.
its like you just wanna talk to anyone
someone
to make you feel attractive or desireable at all
someone who WONT confirm your fear
that 2 MORE years could go by.

i got a new attitude

2010-10-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

and it feels so good.
had a great day
idc about him
i dont want him back
i dont hate him
but i dont cry for him
i just want somebody
but ill wait.
im happy :)
life is great
thank GOD!

Better because of you

2010-10-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

Im going to be everything twice as good as i was before i met you
im going to be more beautiful
more intelligent
more confident
more kind and generous
and reach ym goals for the first time cause im putting ME first
dont living for PEOPLE
living for God
takin my butt to church. & spending all my time walking with him
even if it looks like i walk alone

last night was the end of a long, sickening ride.
wrote em a message, as usual probably said more than i should
but eff it. its over, wanted to get it off my chest
cause i had so much locked inside
Lord knows hell use it to keep the upper hand
probably didnt even read it. probably just sayin it was too long
he still thinks im crazy
i gotta accept that this is not the love of my life this isnt even a friend
he is mt enemy
&i have to let God handle him. Period.

all i wanted was you

2010-10-18T22:09:00.000-07:00

all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you

paramore. sing to me.

the hardest part

2010-10-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

when youre dreaming with a broken heart,
the waking up is the hardest part.

im not good at letting ppl go. but i suppose i should get used to this. theres nothing i can do. & i have a feeling im gunna have to do this a lot in life. i dont want to feel this way again.

if you only knew

2010-10-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

i know its not a movie.
the things that go through my head are delisuonal to say the least
and i doubt it even similar to the thoughts he has
if he has any thought of me at all
but i saw him today,
subconsciously i think i did it on purpose
hes still beautiful.
its crazy. if he knew how i REALLY felt
you cant tell by how i act, or the lack of things ive said
but i miss him.
& i just wanted to text em so bad
or run up behind em
put my hands over his eyes and say guess who
but im not blind
i know hed be disgusted and probably roll his eyes and walk away
cuss me out or something else you do to someone you abhor
what a shame
a damn shame at that
that someone i want so bad, i have to pretend to hate
the games we play
she has him
i have no one
but to be honest today was a good day
i didnt cry
i didnt show any emotion at all
i just went on about my day
if he only knew.
but thats how REAL life is,
when you dont tell people
they NEVER know.
you just watch your heart walk away with them
and its a piece that you never get back
thats the worst part
NEVER knowing.

Recovery

2010-10-17T21:52:00.001-07:00

Apparently My obsessive-structural mind tendencies are effective in some ways
I am able to structurize and systemize almost any process
even processes of the human mind
like getting over heartbreak
this is actually an adaptation of my "getting over a rumor" procedure
that i developed in 9th grade
first the week of torment [turmoil for heartbreak]
-this is a week of hell. if its a rumor, people torment you & u just have to deal with it. if its heartbreak, you torment yourself. you fight it and it hurts. you cry every night and want to die. a full week.
then [like clockwork] you enter the month of silence
-for rumors, this is when no one talks to you. you find out who your friends are. for heartbreak, you dont talk to anyone. all you want to do is disappear. you cant move on you dont want to talk to anyone, youre lonely but ironically you just want to be alone.

then the recovery. slowly, if its a rumor, people start to forget and tlak to you again. for heartbreak, you come out of hiding and slowly reenter the world of the living. the only exceptions are if you speak or try to fight the process. if you retaliate against your tormenters, you prolong the process. the month of silence cant be the month of silence if youre talking. for heartbreak, it can be shorter sometimes. for true broken heartness, its the full month.

its crazy how at the last hour of the week of turmoil, i start to feel better.
not..better completely, i just have a feeling i might be okay. im starting to accept it. i actually got some shit done this weekend. & im getting back on ym structure.
i cooked, packed, washed clothes, cleaned. i felt like it. & i did it instead of going to sleep. so its definitely progress.
one day at a time.
i still want to disappear. after my friends bday i probably will.
so the month of silence is definitely something im looking forward to.
for now. sleep.

emergency room

2010-10-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

i dont want to get hurt. or sick.
id drop the pins.
grades would fall, and im already behind. no As for me.
Id be able to keep my jobs but Id lose time and money.
Sandra would have to pay for it all.
All these hard months of working gone to waste.
not like theyre paying off now.
but you know what the absolute worst thing is..
no one would know.
if i got in a car wreck tonight
[God please dont let this happen, if i lose my car take me with it]
no one would know unless it made the news.
if anyone did know, im sure a few ppl would care
i know of some who for sure would come see me
but they wouldnt know.
how would they? theyd have to know sandra & no one does.
no one would ask where i was..if they did how would they find out if they couldnt talk to me?
if i was in a freaking coma, id just stay there.
it would almost be a relief. just to have a break from life.
but whats the point. id be even more alone then. no one would find me.
id have no visitors.
He would never know. he could come back three months from now & never have even heard. id have to be the one to say something.
no one is close enough to me to find me.
who would look.
sometimes i want to get hurt. just to see who would come.
if anyone would. or just to have a break.
but i know its a blessing that ive never gotten hurt.
yall dont know what i am, or where i come from truly,
but because of this..i know i wont get hurt.
pain sucks anyway i get anough of that.
& i dont want to lose anything else.
but just for the record,
it would be pointless.
cause no one would know

abra kadabra

2010-10-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

i want to disappear. so bad.
sometimes i want to die, just for a little while
long enough to see God & then come back. i know id be better.
people dont know what goes on in this head
they only see the outside. the fakest smile in the WORLD
it used to be real. & thats what kills me.
i was happy. i was a spirit at one point.
that spirit is gone. & i cant seem to get it back
& i want to disappear.
but i cant.
i have so much to maintain. life is a job
i work two jobs to keep my money. way too many hours. & so much stress
5 classes. not enough time in the day to stay ahead in all
plus i want an A in all of them.
no time for anything i enjoy
& i dont remember what i enjoy
cant remember the last time something made me happy
OH YEA, i can.
but i had to let that thing go.
he treated me bad. but i brought that out
what you feel inside manifests itself in your life
i couldnt have kept him
let her have him.
but the only times i remember feeling like life was worth living
were when we were alone
which is what makes me so mad.
when we were alone, we had no problems.
but we never got to be alone
& now we never will
so ill continue to sit here.
struggling to maintain.
a clown juggling bowling pins.
til they all just fall.
and the sad thing is. i know they wont.
this will go on forever. sigh.
i dont KNOW anything anymore. i live like a machine.
& i dread everything. today was so bad.
yesterday i felt okay was today was a fucking tragedy.
no progress. idk wtf im gunna do.
but i WANT to disappear.

How do you get over a broken heart>?

2010-10-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

When everything person you see somehow reminds you of them?
when their friends still talk to you
when every song on the radio reminds you of them
when you see them in your dreams
when you hear their voice in the wind
when the anger fades and you just miss them
when the good memories overshadow the bad
when it feels like youll never breathe clean air again
you can smell them on your sheets
when every night youre alone, you cry yourself to sleep
staring at their side of the bed..empty
when you close your eyes in hopes that when you open em
theyll be there
but theyre not
ever
when the thought of them with someone else makes you want to throw up
but you know that they are with someone else
and that person will get everything you always wanted
that they just wouldnt give you
when you have so many feelings locked inside
that you can never say
when all you want is them
strong than your anger
is the feeling of wanting them back
no matter what they did or are doing
youll forgive them
pride is out the window
they took your heart with them when they left
how do you get over a broken hearT?

...one day at a time.

everyday it gets a LITTLE better. its so small an amount that you only notice after evnough time has passed that it accumulates. you cry less. you smile more. just a little. at some point you dont cry at all. and you smile a lot. things dont remind you of them anymore. theyre just things. you dont look for them anymore. you allow yourself to be at peace. little by little.

now is not that time. now it hurts. but in the future you will be okay.

one day at a time.

Heartbreak is a bitch

2010-10-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

i get on facebook.
and hes back with his ex
i knew it. but i didnt believe it
i blocked em.
really?
like, if you knew half the shit.
i hate how reality is like this thick air around you. like a cloud of situational facts. if those facts just happen to be really negative, its like this thick black cloud. and you have to walk around with it all day. especially if theyre not facts, the possibilities are worse.
there are 2 possible circumstances.. that r killing me.
ill find out tomorrow if either is true.
id rather one than the other.
one is just..unfortunate but a quick fix,
the other..would be a nightmare. an expensive, forever scarring nightmare.
a memory i never wanted to have.
i realize i brought this upoin myself.
but my transgressions were out of weakness, not wickedness.
an unconscious attempt to keep someone, at your own detriment,
his..were conscious..spiteful...wicked.
there is no evil in me.
but there is in him.
& io had my opportunity to try to retaliate.
i made a conscious decision not to.
so at this point its in God hands.
what can i do?
heartbreak is a bitch.
& nothing in the world can help you.

when it sinks in

2010-10-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

Beruria. Talked to her ex, he made her feel better.
But it still hurts.
Thought he was an angel, he wasnt.
You know, you can "get mad" and talk tough like screw him, screw her, i dont need that. & list what theyre missing. say what you wish you thought.
but when youre done talking. the silence leaves space for the truth.
and you are confronted with reality.
it really happened.
youre alone. hes with her.
betrayed.
& no one and nothing can relieve you. only time.
its gunna be a while.

everybody plays the fool

2010-10-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

have you ever cried.. like when you were a kid
& no matter how hard you try you cant breathe
& all the pain in your heart that you carry from day to day
spills out onto your face like water behind a dam
have you ever cried so much
that you wake up with acne
and you feel so ugly.
have you ever literally felt your heart
being pulled out of your chest w/ the same hands youre dying to hold
or offered it to those hands, and had them slap it to the ground
have you ever been told to drink bleach
by someone for whom you would do so to save them from a similar fate
have you ever put on a song you knew would make it worse
and just let it come down like rain
have you ever just wanted to die
because no matter how much you have to look forward to
you cant see past the iron wall of pain
all you can do is feel
and while youre too weak to fight
someone you love and would die for is trying to kill you
no that would be too kind
they just want to torture you
slowly and let you stand outside your body and watch
its like having a limb ripped off
have you ever cried so hard.
you feel the old you hit the ground with the tears
& you look in the mirror and see someone else
someone new someone hard
have you ever cried the last tear
you will ever cry.
have you ever cried that hard.

Good Girl Gone Bad Part 2

2010-10-04T19:05:00.001-07:00

it must be me. if i keep fallin for the same shit.
i think my standards are too low.
but this one milked me like a cow
had me feelin bad
when i spoiled his bitch ass
& did everything i could
put my ego aside, to make it work
but its all good.
ill let him have the W.
but it aint a L for me.
& im thru like..he told me i should b cocky like him.
never that, but i can def. gate my community if u know what im sayin.
make it so that no one gets that close.
i just pray God hardens my heart so no one but THAT one can enter.
damn SHO wont be him. "him". *spits* disgusting.
arrogance. selfishness.
honestly, only a BITCH would yell at a crying female, who did nothing wrong.
no heart, no conscience. an angry empty soul.
im not a saint/. im not perfect. but im a good ass gf
& he wasnt even my bf.
all i have to say is no more. back to the motto.
back to that. gated community.
swag officially turned on. no bullshit.
im tired of lowering myself to be one of these people.
i cant blend in even when i try. so im done trying.
im gunna swag it out, more than ever. because i can.
im sure God wont get mad at me for embracing the traits hes blessed me w/ instead of trying to hide them to be "normal". no.
you want to see higher standards? you got it bro.
take a good look. foreal. at the mess you think you left behind
i think youll find your "drama" follows u wherever u go.
you cant blame it on other ppl, especially not me,
& no ones gunna chase you forever.
have the things you identify with mean nothing.
youre not irreplacable. & youre not fly.
you treat me like shit. so i can easily replace you with someone who doesnt.
that will be fly.
& believe that you will lay in the bed youve made. it will be empty on my side.

one out of a million

2010-09-21T19:47:00.001-07:00

i dont need a million admiring me from afar. I just want one to come up close, and stay.

for every girl you look at, worried that your boyfriend will be looking at her instead of you, as you admire her hair, her skin, her smile, her close, her popularity

do know..

that she would give it all up to have a boyfriend of her own. she doesnt want yours.

Lost To The World

2010-09-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

Very rarely do I allow myself to label a whole day as bad because of circumstances, but today mightve been a bad day. Ah, i hate complaining. Im really in a funk. I just havent felt like myself these past couple days. Since saturday. Been eatin like shit, not talkin to anybody. Just..runnin on fumes tryna get thru the day. Which I hate because I feel like everyday is a blessing & Im wasting time.

I was ok when i wokeup. Felt a lot better than yesterday. Did cardio, ate breakfast, went to work in a good mood. But i could barely sleep last night because I was itching. Pretty sure I have lice. & the bed bugs have relocated & they found me. So all effing day i was just at work dying to go home & get something for my head & some cortiszone or something. I hate bugs. so much. & i cant stand itching. I feel like a crackhead. Ive been eating my feelings all day,

havent talked to anyone because honestly, im getting eaten alive in this world. everyone is worried about themselves. they only pay attention to the ppl that do them dirty & the ppl that care & try, get ignored. like ppl just deserve that shit. Im like..just getting taken advantage of & for granted left & right. im tired of being available to ppl 24-7 for their bitching & complaining, i keep mine to myself. I know i dont need anyone to take care of me, God does that for me. so i have the tim e to help others. i feel like thats what i was put here to do. but they dont appreciate it. im always here for anyone who needs me i feel so obligated. but these motherfuckers, im lucky if i even get a text back. i wanna get

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??

tatted on my fucking forehead. anyway, i am blessed. I know God sees me. he sees the good i do & he sees these neglegent self centered individuals suckin the teet dry. I know He will come 7 rejuvenate my spirit cause its a little broken right now.

pretty sure that was a rant. normally i dont like to partake in rants. but eff it.

Transformation

2010-09-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

Yall, I havent blogged in for effing ever. honestly, im pretty much a totally different person now lol
i feel liberated
no longer egoicly identified with any & everything
every day i wakeup & try to live in a way that reflects positively on God
&rejoice in all my blessings

i feel like i cant help them.
so i try to spread peace by BEING peace.
no complaints really. i try to not complain anymore. thats all ego.
im finally free from what afflicted me for 20 years.

the friend thing, i dont really obsess over it anymore. I have all I need, and Im willing to share, but I dont need to chase.

As for boys, no dips. No more random pursuits. No pursuits at all really. Im just trying to leave my heart open for the person God has for me which Im sure will be absolutely perfect for me. I know Ill be ready then. So i dont really think about it.

There is someone I have a small crush on. But thats all it is. & i think were 100% incompatible lol so i just let it go. Im not trippin.

& then.. there is someone, that I am attracted to in a strange way. LIke...MAGNETS. But not in a physical or lustful way. or in any way I couldve ever predicted. It's not like..when Im with this person im just like googoo gaga or anything. But when theyre gone, i notice. being with this person is like being with myself, minus the feeling of lacking that man will always have without woman, and vise versa. its just..out of this world if i were to drop a name. it would probably be scandalous just because its that random. & i, myself, am still baffled. I dont know if i like him. its a possibility. all i know is there was this one night at a party, & ever since then ive seen him in a different light. & im just glad hes in my life to be honest cause its super refreshing. & i like talking to him. right now, were just really close friends. i cant IMAGINE it going further than that. but it feels like one of those surprises.

im not afraid to say what other girls wont. im chillin and im taking care of business right now. I have no complaints, literally. & im not missing anything. But if I had one request from God it would be a companion. Just one. Friend, or a love interest, doesnt matter. My goal-oriented nature and resistance to gossip, illegal & controlled substances, and uneccessary energy spent on social escapades separates me from my peers. I dont mind being alone. But If i had one request, Id want someone to be alone WITH.but no more experimenting. im not even going to humor a useless, harmful relationship anymore. im officially lying in wait for God to send me my angel, which i know he will. AFter years of following Him I know hes leading me somewhere. im excited about that.

im excited about life.
i wanna share it with someone.

if i had a choice, of anyone i know right now, the one i mentioned earlier.. i wouldnt mind him.

peace. literally. i hope everyone finds it.

the mask

2010-05-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

I pride myself on being a very real person. i used to wear my heart on my sleeve. i really tried..for as long as i could...to keep my name out of the headlines here.
but it didnt work.
people really just think im this spoiled bitch who "gets" everything she wnts. who manipulates people into liking her so she can..what? that part idk.
why. why would i WANT everyone to know my name?
[i changed it by rhe way so they wouldnt]
why would i WANT everything i do and everyone i talk to to be a public spectacle.
why would i ever ask for that much pressure.
i tried to be ... like..blend in. i just cant.
its not what it looks like.
my life is fun. i wouldnt change a damn thing.
its fun having great jobs and getting whatever you want & to have ppl kissing your ass all the time..somtimes.
i like having lots of friends & always getting invited places & occasionally the attention from the boys is flattering.
but what they dont realize is that i can never breath out.
i can never unclinch my fists i can never truly just EXHALE.
i have to hold my breath all the time. people expect so fucking much from me.
its like a damn circus. now i know how britney feels.
i exaggerate NONE it is ridiculously to wakeup everyday with all this.
& how did i get here? why? i didnt know it was gunna b such a big deal
when i made those videos. when i threw that party. spring break. i didnt know.
ppl think i planned it. its like being snatched from a crowd, blindfolded, and dragged to the top of a mountain. than when you look down at the people below,
they hate you now. when they dont even know you.
like falling off that cliff, and landing on an eagle.
I AM SCARED OF HEIGHTS.
it is not easy or always fun to be born with a white hot spotlight on your face.
i like it..im getting used to it.
but tonight, i got mad. i tweeted some stuff & instantly i had like 4 mentions. & then i got a text reminding me that enemies want to see me unhappy. so i took them down. i cant even show weakness anymore. i have to always be strong.
the pressure could turn coal into a diamond.
im hoping thats whats happening to me. that ill shine brighter bc of all this pressure but fuck.
i cant talk to anyone.
they think youre full of yourself. you cant trust anyone. they all want you to slip even if just subconsciously. ive got two friends that i dont feel compete with me & neither one is the one i spend most time with. everyone else...just hungry sharks,
they wanna be around you but they dont know why.
yea theres somethin on my chest. there always is.
bhut i gotta hold my tongue gotta suck it all in. & just hope i dont pop. cause one slip & its daybreaking news. you gotta do damage control. i hate damage control.
i really hope..that soon i find a companion. someone who KNOWS wht im talking about. because as of now there is not one single person in my life who does.
that...really...sucks. they have NO idea what that feels like.
im just waiting to be able to breath out. im effing suffocating.

the wierd phase

2010-04-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

so ive been wearing graphic tees with skinny jeans and shoes that dont match..with loud makeup and wierd accessories since high school. ive had tattoos & piercings on any occasion that i felt emotionally out of control since i was 16. ive always been wierd. it was never cool til this year,
& it annoys me that now everyones just TRYING to force the shit.
im not copyin shit. i was wierd before it was cool. but honestly its not a style its either who you are or who you wanna be.
when i leave the house my goal is to look the opposite of everyone else because i couldnt blend in if i wanted to.
when i look in the mirror i see barbie. but i have drawn all over myself and poked holes all over the place, chopped off my hair, and created my own style to defy this. i still struggle with the fact that i dont look how i feel but what the hell. i do me. swag it out somehow. but i dont copy.
ill give credit to my inspirations. like rihanna. & the pictures i sketch in my notebook. maybe a little lady gaga. thats about it.

competing in two days

2010-04-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

two more days. im so nervous. look what im competing against:

REALLY?
& this is me:

im not lean enough to beat her. in my eyes. but hey, i did the best i could with no trainer or nutritionist. im proud i did it all myself didnt crack one time & ive never been able to follow a diet for this long. im excited it should be really fun. ill just be the girl with the good attitude that makes everyones experience fun & then ill be a good sport and have enjoyed the whole thing. and i cant wait to EAT baddd foood lol

im going to go in on some golden oreos. thats all i want. ..and ihop..,cicis..and cake. then its back on my diet for another show! i love my life right now. God is good. =]