a different world

man. no time to catch up on everything thats happened.
over spring break i met the boy of my dreams
were still together. havent been apart much since.
sometimes its a problem, most the time not.
everythings going really well i have some opportunities coming up.
but i am controlling them sometimes i wanna quit cuz it all feels like too much
jhust wanna stop getting on bodyspace, stop modeling, stop trying to compete and become someone
cuz i cant picture it happening
& i dont wanna be away from him
sometimes i wonder if i want this anymore
or if i was doing it cuz i was bored at one point
and am now just continuing even tho i dont need it anymore bc i wanna finish something for once
i think im gunna stick it out & try to win the Flex contest, see where that goes & see how my shoot with Wendi goes. Ive dreamed of shooting with her forever,
it does feel awesome when the pics come out good. but its a qwuick high then youre over it.
im dieting again. i think im just bored at the moment. its only day 3. day 1 i cracked but yday i was mostly perfect. i feel like i can do this this time
but i know what the problem is.
i think too much & i start second guessing my plan thinking it wont work
even if im getting good results
i start questioning it and then i just cave
so im gunna pray that doesnt happen this time I'd like to stay on this diet until I get about 8% bodyfat. Idk how Im gunna measure that but I know what I want my body to look like. anyway so I think Im just going to give my all for the flex, try to get as many votes as I can & leave it up to God. just say if you want me there help me win. & then shoot w/ Wendi, see if any of the magazines wanna publish me, just see where it goes if this is meant to be or not. I dont dislike my life now. I like it a lot. I just want to not have to worry about money that's all I would change. Like if I could work just one job that'd be nice. Or not have to work a steady job & do fitness modeling full time, but I dont wanna be away from garrisen that much. idk like if maybe Im too young & its gunna interfere with school.
He makes me happy. Im not missing anything
as long as Im keeping up with my workouts and eating right I feel good about myself
right now I feel strange but whatever. Anyway
God help me...i always feel like there's so much to do & I dont have enough time to do it. Like there's always some task hanging over my head. its honestly hard to fit workouts in everyday with work. Thank GOD i dont have school. Truth be told this fitness thing is like stressing me. Pursuing something with 3 jobs already is kinda like..a lot. I'd like to lounge more. I'd LOVE to eat more but we won't go there. But we'll see. Today i feel kinda fluffy. I look in the mirror and I know I look good but I really do wonder like..if I can look good enough by the time the shoot comes around. Then it makes me feel like..I cant. But instead of taking the "then why bother" route this time Im gunna just keep working like nothings different but the pressure is immense. maybe Im just having a moment. Im also having my special feminine time so that might be it. idk. in a wierd mood.
gotta go train my client and I feel crunched. Also, money. Like..Garrisens bdays coming up & I wanna get him a ps3 and a game to go with it. But i gotta buy stuff for the shoot & im just wondering like can I do it all but i know I need to tell myself & believe that its going to be okay. it will be. always it. worrying never helps. I just feel a slight level of anxiety all the time right now & I think I need to just reign it in. like..reenter the moment and become present because im all over the place. anyway lol not the best blog but thats the update on me right now.