amazing amazing amazing God has answered my EVERY prayer when it comes to this boy!!!

Seriously. THANK YOU. I had faith in general and you have really come through and just...brought out the best in him. for the time being he has changed SO much. first of all, you brought em back. without me having to do anything. like i said i thought November was going to be a month of pain trying to get over him. but instead i mean i didnt really have to go but like..two days into november without seeing him and its been almost every other day since. the longest break was from last thursday to last night. and yea i mean at this point im pretty much in there like swimwear like i cant lie and pretend i dont want em. he knows i do and the crazy thing is he wants me too. like..geez where to begin. he pissed me off so bad the other night sending me a screenshot of a pic i posted on fb with some comments , one i misread that he didnt like but instead of saying that he was like yea i saw your response but it still wasnt regarding the nigga that said your pants were on his floor! blah blah i was mad basically because he had an opportunity to be honest and just say like i dont like that and that wouldve made me feel good but instead he made me feel bad. and also like i said i missed him this and that but he like would pick out the least important part and respond to that and i just wasnt getting any reciprocation. but yea like...i changed my status on fb to pissed off. and he was like im sorry, no need to be upset. then he was like i miss you and i have been thinking about you dont be all mean then he said i didnt mean to call you mean i dont want to make it worse lol hes gotten like really adorable he CARES now. i have power that i didnt before. i can make him really mad or sad. like last night was horrible but epic at the same time im glad. i mean it was like i went over there to tell him what i wanted out of a relationship (even though we're not together) like.. basically to like..omg im so tired ok im going to sum it up i compared him to areeb told em he treats his sister beter than he treats me and he got mad and was like if thats what you want i cant give you that so i decided it was time to turn on the waterworks. at one point like he knew i was crying but he was like is there anything else Michelle? i dont think so. nothings happened that i didnt tell you would happen and he was beng like real cold and i was losing hope then...man im so fucking tired! im gunna have to type this tomorrow excuse me lol.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................k im back lol its 118pm the next dAY (thursdayyy) and im off! so i can do whatever i want :) ANYWAY okay SO. anyway yea so he was being super cold i was about to leave but i was trying to calm down because Chris was in the living room and I didnt want him to see me leaving like that SO yea he told me to come back out cause he wanted to talk to me some more so i was like in the corner and he was like i dont know why youre getting so upset and i was like REALLY. i was like i dont know why you act like that and hes like cause im an asshole and i was like no youre not and hes like YES I AM and i was like i know you dont want me to walk out that door and never come back. youre acting like you dont care but i know you do. and i was like i didnt say all that to make you feel bad i was just trying to tell you how i feel. all you have to do is tell me that you'll try. that's it. and he was sitting on the bed, had been for minute, like the whole time, with his face in his hands. and i sat there i think i kind of checked out for a minute and was just in my own head cause when he spoke it took a minute to register and like took me aback a bit i just didnt expect it. but he was like I can try. and it wasnt like shit i guess i can try but i cant make any promises he said it like i am willing to try to make this work like it was sincere. and i mean idk i didnt know what to do i just like went over to him on my knees and wrapped my arms around his neck and his arms were around my waist like super tight and i cried on his shoulder just for a little bit. it was a long hug. then i pulled back and looked at him and honestly it looked like his eyes were a little wet too!!! like...i couldnt believe it. and he was like looking at me and i was just rubbing his hair. and he was like idk why i act like that and i was like i dont want to change you. and i hugged him again and idk how but we started kissing and yea then we were just like passionately making out and i wrapped my legs around him on the edge of the bed and yea it was clear we were going to have sex and we did and of course it felt super good its just...everythings different now. i mean i thought i would be okay i went over there knowing if i said what i was gunna say i might have to leave i just didnt expect him to let me ad when it actually came to that point i was like you do care about this boy and you dont want to just walk out on him. like i dont want to give up on him. i dont know for sure...but at least that night it definitely felt like i loved him. and he doesnt love me yet but we definitely have something neither of us wants to let go of. and the next day he was going to let me take a pic and i did but i looked ugly lol i ended up posting it anyway and he liked it on IG but on fb he untagged himself. idk i had a feeling he would. Konrad was saying the only reason he wouldve done that is to cheat but i mean. idk what the deal is but i dont think thats it so i just told em i was going to drop the picture issue and like it was just me being paranoid and territorial but i mean its bestg i think if we dont unless its serious career wise and etc. like if we're officially together ok but yea. i mean. i told em i was just being a girl and i didnt want to make it seem like we have a bunch of issues that we dont. and that he has been like a different person lately in a good way and thank you for putting up with my bullshit. i wasnt expecting a prompt response or anything. and it didnt think he was going to say something reassuring. but he did. it was so sweet. he said "and ok thats fine if its ok with you. im happy with how things are going:)" and i was like yay. went to bed feeling really good. i think its probably safe to like..stop being paranoid and just like..see that we're basically in a relationship we're just not like..parading it around. but he knows how much the fb thing means to me and he knows like if we're going to be officially in a relationship hes going to have to change his status and i think one day he will. i just think he likes appreciates me now and that ive stuck around and he likes being around me. he acts like its like oh we're just having fun but its more than that. he cares that i mad now and wants to fix it instead of just avoiding it. and he doesnt want to be without me. so i do have collateral. i just have to not abuse it. and not like do all the stupid stuff i did before. but that boy really likes me. i mean like everytime i pray im like God if he cares...God i want your will...and i mean with me backing off things have completely changed. i think hes worth it. hes not in the best place in the whole wide world right NOW but it doesnt matter to me. idk whats going to happen in the future all i know is its REALLY hard to picture it without Corey. I try but when it comes down to actually walking away it doesnt feel right. im hoping we can grow together now instead of apart. we may not be in love yet but we're on our way and idk we're working through things and its good. ive told him just about everything thats on my heart EXCEPT the l word and he hasnt run away. i told em if theres any girl in the whole wide world that deserves him when he decides he wants to give it away its me. idk. idk how to describe it its new and different but out of everyone ive talked to this whole time through college etc without being in a realtionship it has never been like this. if i give it time. i mean its almost been 4 months. if i give it time. its going to pay off. things will get better for him and when they do ill be there. and little by little im becoming a part of his life. we spend a lot of time together. eventually like when he gets used to me being part of his routine hopefully he'll want me to meet his parents. thats gunna be huge. after that taking pics should be fine. but like i get it. there was no reason for me to post that pic. if i wanna take pics and keep em not post em just have em that makes sense. but like..there was no TRUE reason why i needed to do that. just territorialism and blah blah. i dont care if people know right now. like i told him dont talk about it until theres something to talk about. can i see it getting serious now? yes. cause he is emotionally committed. i just gotta like... idk let it be. not bring it up. know that he cares and we are making a LOT of progress. its not just going to stay where it is he likes me more the more we hang out. i want to see him today but if i dont thats fine. cause im off saturday i can see him tomorrow night. finally though i think its okay to go ahead and believe that this is happening. i can have faith and confidence in it now cause its the will of God and hes giving us his blessing. hopefully things keep getting better and ill have a date to Coronas wedding.im taking pics then. period lol but yea i dont expect a christmas present or anything crazy. id love to get him something but i dont want to make him feel bad.

Doing the MOST God please dont let me ruin everything

Another night of sitting here listening for the damn phone. he knows my schedule now i sent it to him. after he forgave me for my weird confessional earlier. wasnt too bad. mild freak out but he said he knows i was just being a girl and its okay. i need to stop though seriously this is the critical time where his feelings are deepening on their own. my job really and ALL i have to do is just survive the days we dont see eachother without sabotaging every damn thing. i ruined my opportunity on friday. yesterday was ok. today was pretty legit too. until i ruined it AGAIN but in his eyes its not ruined i just wish i wouldve withheld. im realizing now though this is MY ISSUE my number one issue is my lack of discipline and its time to face it. every single day im going to have to approach every decision with a mindset of doing the RIGHT thing now what i want. this is why my confidence falters. as far as getting through tough stuff im FORCED to go through im strong. but as far as getting through tough stuff that will pay off in the end that is my choice i pretty much always opt out and it shows in my relationships and my body. my career. im impulsive and i have no willpower i always do what i want to do because im scared that it will send me into a low. its like my whole goal in life is to avoid any kind of pain that isnt physical and its a cripple and i need to stop. if i can get through heartbreak and misery and depression i can get through any diet and withholding my feelings especially if it will pay off. Ive been doing God a disservice by gioving into all the things I shouldnt and basically letting the devil run my life. I drove to the church after work but it was so big and i was scare dso Im loading it so I can watch it on my comp which is taking forever. Im happy Ive made this realization so soon. I know I can still fix it. By just...being basically cold and withdrawn from him. The BEST thing to do would be to act busy. and treat him like someone i dont like. not DISlike. but dont return the same feelings for. REMIND MYSELF that the distance and doubt is what CREATED the passion so at some point i honestly might have to turn him down. i have to pretend to be busy and have shit goping on even if i dont. which is so freaking hard but ive become addicted to him again. the thing i can do to get some things gouing for myself is honestly work on the things about me i dont like and build my confidence about my insides. cause thats the only way i wont be obsessed. i dont want to withold my feelings and i wont have to forever but right now its important because its too early. hes only been back in commission for 2 weeks. almost. so i really just gotta play it cool which im not good at especially since i dont have anything else goin g on but i can focus on my body and just building my discipline every day and look at him as practice. God gave me this chance please help me not blow it. Honestly us seeing eachother is really all the bonding we're going to do. i keep forgetting he will not reciprocate or reassure via text like ever. and its probably annoying that im always fishing. and i say a lot just so he'll ask me to come over. now hes not going to :( i thought he was going to ask me last night, didnt. thought he was going to ask me today,didnt. its been an hour and a half since he texted me back. im not off til thursday so im hoping to see him before then because that will have been a week. my last text though was a statement not a question so there is a possibility he may not text me back tonight. i do need to straighten my hair but honestly i just might not all we're going to do is get in the damn bed anyway and i always like to leave the house by nine when i go over there cause then ill be there by ten. all the games should be over by 10 or 11. all the games are over actually except the broncos and kansas city chiefs. i cant believe i knew the name of the team for kansas city haha i checked it was right. anyway yea so (i gotta hurry up my video is loaded) anyway yea so basically that game will be on til probably 11. soooo yea he'll be watching that i cant imagine him even taking a break to check his phone the game just started its the first half. so he may not even text me back tonight. i cant go over tomorrow because i open tuesday i could go over tuesday night or wednesday night. i was already thinking tuesday. i guess tonight is just convenient for me but i do need to go grocery shop :( so i can cook my food and start my diet tomorrow. for the first week im not going to do cardio, just weights to adjust to the workouts and the low carbs, etc. i know my energy is going to be low the first week im going to want to be taking a lot of naps. ugggghhhh i just want him to text me and ask me to come over is it that hard i can start playing hard to get tomorrow but right now i need to just...be around him and like get myself back in a happy place with him and be reassured and get him back interested cause when im around him i dont act all needy. i just miss the kid. and i got spoiled seeing him every other day lol. anyway. yea so God if its in your will I would love to go over there tonight. if not I can wait til tuesday. hes only got an hour to ask me. boo. he probably wont even text me within the next hour its already been two. boooooooooooo. im not going to tell him i want to see him. ive hinted as much as i could but i dont want to puppeteer. sooo yea :( that was today. kind of a so so day.

update: THE MIRACLE DID HAPPEN (change of heart)

So its real. God answered my prayers. it's like the old Corey, the one I love to death, is back in full swing but its even more now. there's passion like he really cares about me. he doesnt want to lose me and he wants to be around me all the time. i looooooooove it. ok brief recap he didnt come to see me because he tried to surprise me and got lost and went home but he felt really bad when i got mad and asked me to come over that night so i reluctantly did. and it was just awesome hes so sweet to me now. i didnt know he wanted me to spend the night so at like midnight after the second time we had sex i like started getting dressed and he was like what r you doing and i was like im leaving im sleepy and he looked at me like i was crazy like youre not staying? and it took him a minute like not to be mad at me lol but yea so like there was that. then i went over there thursday night too. chris was supposed to take him to a bar to try to get a job and he said i could go but we ended up not going. this was after my photoshoot so i was still all dolled up i didnt wash my makeup off til like right before we were gunna go to sleep. but yea like idk. hes just soooodifferent now. i literally almost thought he was going to say the l word. he did say he really liked me though like as a correction without me really asking. he was very very high so i thought i could get something out of em but he just cannot word shit well lol i asked em why he changed his mind like one minute he didnt like me at all then the next minute he did and he was like well i always liked you and then i was like then why did you act like you didnt and he was like because i was just pushing you away and i was like why and he said i told you why but like he wouldnt tell me like what happened to change his mind about me and he asked me why i was still there and i was like i cant help it and he said well neither can i! and that was actually a decent answer for me. i feel like we're on the exact same page except i do love him. i am so retarded. i just rehearsed a whole scene of him liek doing this big romantic thing and telling me he loved me lmao. wow. grow up, haha anyway but yea ill never tell him how i feel i think he knows. he kept like pressuring me to say what was on my mind and he thought he could guess but he refused to tell me. but he really wanted me to say it and i feel like if he didnt feel the same he wouldnt want me to say it. i was thinking omg i love you BUT he couldnt possibly have known. i feel like hes not going to just tell me. he said when he told brooke he was pressured and he didnt mean it but he could be lying. anyway no but yea i can see him moreso like asking me if i do to make me say it and then agreeing with me. but im not saying it first. period. we can just wait til it overwhelms him then he'll have to say it. but idk i dont want to get ahead of myself last time i thought we were headed that way he tried to jump ship. little by little im feeling like that wont happen like we might make it this time because his heart is in it. he no longer feels like he could just be without me and be fine. i can see the change in him the way he talks to me is different the way he treats me like how much he cares. i actually saw him get mad yesterday and i never used to have that power over him. then i SAW him swallow his pride and put me first like twice. i heard him verbalize his desire to fix things. the issue was something i KNOW he thought was stupid but he made it seem legit because he like...gave in to please me. i didnt let em and maybe i shouldve but i was so mad. it was cause he wouldnt take a pic for my ig and i told em it was really cause we never do anything i want to do and i always do whatever he wants i never tell him no and he made me give examples and i told em the fbo thing and i told him if it ever happened at this point it would be like a proposal because he has made such a big deal of it. and he felt really bad. i literally left because of it and he followed me out and like walked me to my car cause i wouldnt let him drive me and he like just..was around me trying to talk to me the whole time like how can i make this better and he didnt want to see me upset and said he was sorry a gazillion times and told me next time we would do it and he promised. im not going to workout tonight i dont feel like it lol but i also dont think im going to pig out cause i always just do what i want and that is inconsistent with my goals i need to stop. foods not important enough to jeopardize my future and i want to be considered for the bodybuilding.com contest. this year. ive let myself go, got cocky looking so good randomly so i been eating what i want. and now i look nothing like i did and im out of clen im going to have to do it the old fashioned way. but yea soooooo anyway back to corey so yea he said wed talk about things later and i left and i shouldve let him text me but i didnt i texted him some mushy shit i shouldnt have, he took forever to respond and then didnt respond at ALL how i wanted him to but he did confirm that he wasnt going to leave me. idk blah so today i wanted to feel better so i left my phone in the car. he didnt text me in the morning but he texted me at one and i looked back to see his average text time its usually two hours i said best case scenario he texts me a sad face at 330. and when i went to check my phone at 5 i had a sad face at 337! i remember a loooooooong time ago leaving my phone at home on a sunday and he did that he texted me every two hours and it ended with like hope youre okay havent heard from you and the next time i didnt text him back it was a sad face and then ARE YOU ALIVE lol and i remember thinking gah he can go so long without talking to me now. i wanted to see how long it would take him today and it was best case scenario :) yay! its like i got exactly what i asked for he really did have a change of heart and he doesnt know why but i do. its because it was in Gods will he answered my prayer. thank you God. things are great now. ive gotten more relaxed about the texting but we do at least talk every day. and i go over there every other day :) i was thinking like if hes going to pull a Corey itll be thursday or by the end of the week. it wouldve been yday cause i actually expressed feelings and thats usually what guilts him into confessing his lach thereof. but we're on saturday and still going strong. im starting to believe things might be okay after all. i might have kissed the frog thats going to turn into my prince. who knows but Gods will is okay with me :) I am actually hoping he will invite me over tonight cause im not doing anything and i just really love spending time with him and he loves spending time with me and i want to go over there. i mean everything is different its so tender. hes made it super clear that he wants us to be exclusive. the other night he asked me what i would do if i walked in on him eating a girl out and he told me she paid him 200 dollars and what if he would split it with me smh. i told em id never speak to him again. i asked him what hed do if he walked in on me sucking a guys dick and he said it was different but like he got kind of heated i could tell he was like speechless for a minute. hes starting to get the slightest bit possessive. on tuesday night we tyalked about garrisen and he was lecturing me about how for his (garrisens) sake i should cut the friendship off and he pissed me off but aeric said he probably wouldnt say that if he didnt care. i think him losing his job like idk it probably helped a little and i think hell remember that i was there when he didnt have shit to offer really. i dont give a shit i dont love him for money or anything else than just the fact that i do and i cant help it and its unconditional. which is crazy cause idk if ive ever been able to say that before. nothing about him is unattractive to me. i just..love him. and all that he is. and apparently me believing in him is worth it. but anyway yea like on tuesday morning i think it was he was saying i was a fan and a groupie being annoying and then i was like so you have multiples somehow we got on that convo and i was like damn you cant even say im the MAIN ONE and he was like no youre the one and only. and the other night he called me his significant other. its like idk he may not want to officially commit but hes finally committing in deed. he wants to make this work rather than run away and hes made it very clear he wants us to be exclusive. idk. hes sooooo sweet and affectionate everytime im with him im reminded why i stayed around and its just so worth it. if he doesnt invite me over tonight i still know ill see him soon. i just..im so happy right now ya know. he keeps just..things keep etting better. and im okay with how they are and im just hoping they keep progressing. theres passion there now i can feel it it feels like he needs me. and he may not love me yet but i feel like hes on his way. he cares a lot about me and i just feel it. i dont have to read the articles now searching for hope. cause he shows me. the way he kisses me. the way he just looks at me and smiles he like stares me down and like i see it in his eyes he feels the euphoric feeling too when hes with me its addictive. i dont have to do anything for him anymore but when i do hes thankful. i just always like clean up his room and the bathroom etc but i stopped buying him stuff. i never text him first anymore. things are going great. the sex has gotten better especially with my treatments theyre helping but its still dry. im starting a new diet on monday and that should help get rid of my yeast infection which will help with the dryness. me not taking birth control would help the most but thats counter productive so whatever. but yea idk. im going to keep praying everyday for God to bless us and help us keep growing together instead of apart. i love him and i mean i cant wait til he loves me too. i already pray for God to help me be strong and keep Him in the drivers seat and not pressure him. he knows how i feel. he said he didnt want a relationship but i think hes getting closer. by now i thought i wouldve met his family and i said he would probably say he loved me by christmas and thats still a possibility. that would be the best christmas present. but yea i think we're on a healthy track now. usually you dont get a second chance ya know. ugh hes taking forever im going to take a shower and go to the grocery store its looking like hes not going to invite me over but its only 730. its been an hour since hes texted me he was at dinner the last i talked to him. its okay though. i want to be with him tonight but i know i will see him soon so its okay. :) i might get food while im out. next week my goal is to be perfect on my diet until saturday then have a cheat meal and possible also one on sunday then do it again. i want to get down to 12% i gotta make progress every week even though i wont make any this week probably. i might just go back to iifym just for today and tmrw. but yea. the shoot went amazing the pics are amazing. glad i did it i gotta email her so she can start working on those and i gotta start promoting this challenge. but yeaaaaa. lalala happy girl :)

the anxiety returns

It's not necessarily that I think he's going to break it off. he's coming to visit me at work tomorrow since he's going to be in the area :) which i didn't know for sure if he would but he said yes and im happy i pray he comes cause i told everyone he was and aeric expects him. i want him to come in so aeric can get another read on him and tell me what he thinks. and i also just want to see him i love visitors especially him lol i wish i could post about it on facebook ugh i cant wait until my posting priveleges are restored haha. right now i dont want him to feel special or get annoyed. thankfully he did text me back a minute ago even though it took like an hour as usual we cannot have a steady flow of conversation going anymore! so im not going to text him back tonight or in the morning which is going to suck cause idk what time his appt is im guessing its not super early probably like 10. if hes not there by 1 then ill assume hes not coming especially if i havent heard from him. but yea idk its making me feel crappy waiting around for him to text me all the time it drives me crazy and gives me anxiety. like i said its not like i think hes going to break things off again. HE INITIATED ALL OF THIS. and he is the one who said we were talking SO. i think like..when its on his terms. i havent pressured him at all and he's made it clear he sees us as exclusive. so yea. but i just dont like that. i feel like he doesnt like me when he takes forever to text me back and sometimes he doesnt read all my texts. or only responds to some. but yea. we'll see. i feel like i'm starting to let him back in and get comfortable again a little bit and i dont want that! its just....too soon he's not reliable i have MINIMAL collateral. im just so used to relationships with like emotional people. where they just fall for me head over heels so quick and we just cake all the time talking about what how we feel about eachother and spend time together and it just grows more and more with time. BUT i will say, the majority of these people i tended to have lots of drama with, faithfulness issues, and like..they justg were crazy. garrisen and anthony were both super insecure and crazy as affectionate as they might have been. bj cheated on me a LOT and didnt really appreciate me though he was amazing at times. tyree was just...all over the damn place. so this is definitely something new dating what seems to be a normal day to day guy with a normal guy mentality even though his reaction to me is weird. i dont know what the standard is. yes i would prefer he be more affectionate via text though hes very affectionate in person. i would prefer he be more...consistent. and i would have prefer almost all his behavior in the entire month of october just not happened. minus my show weekend. but like.. idk. im just hoping maybe i was right in the beginning. hell honestly the thing is really just does he feel the same. i know i could fall in love with corey if i'd let myself. i know i could be with him for a long time but i just want him to feel the same. right now we're on a similar page, though i'm holding back. i'm hoping maybe the doubt right now will reignite his passion that seems to be what drives him but he is a passionate person i just want to be one of his passions. i want him to think of me how i think of him. it's hard for me to see that happening but sometimes it just takes time for it to develop. jen told me she wasnt sure about roger til the day she married him i dont want to wait that long. but like..idk. we'll see. i just need to stay busy and distract myself but its crazy i mean i'd rather be with him than do anything really. if i had to turn him down like to do something else i wouldnt enjoy myself doing that thing. i want to be with him as much as possible. im hoping like as we hang out more once we both let the past go and just embrace this and enjoy ourselves that it will develop into more ya know. idk what he thinks or feels but apparently its something. he's starting to be more open with me. i have to stay close to God and keep him in mind my anxiety lets me know im not doing that so it's time to re-center. the only way this will work is if its in Gods will. but wow. I didnt realize it until now and I haven't, like I said, really accepted everything and gotten comfortable yet. its like I dont know if this is all Gods will or how its going to turn out so I dont want to start saying thank you for something that I dont have BUT I know that whatever is going on God youre in control and you love and wish well for me. It is all in your plan that will lead me toward prosperity so whether this works out or not thank you. it would appear though that my prayers for a change of heart were answered though Im skeptical and guarded. we'll see how this week goes. Usually he can't go but a couple days without having his little outburst. I'll see him once, he'll invite me back over then being around me like idk as we go through the week i guess he has second thoughts and he ends it like...by thursday. or ill say something to trigger it. but i havent said anything nice to him really. nothing about relationships or ANYTHING. so i mean..idk. i wont say im ready cause im not and i dont want that boy to go anywhere i want to continue down the positive building road that we're on but this is HIS second chance if he blows it he blows it. and it is 100% without a doubt his loss. this time ill just have to man up. but im not going to say anything. at all. done. thats it. if he breaks it off we're just done and idk if i wanna be friends. i think we might be okay this time though cause we're both working on things. when i was leaving his apartment he said something to fuck with me like he always does and i said something and hes like you walk right into these things and i was like im a girl! we dont want to be picked on! and he was like i guess i could stop huh and i was like or like...and he goes :just bring it down a couple notches: and i was like yea just wein off lol thats the first time he ever suggested he would do something to improve for me. part of me was hoping he'd show up to my job with flowers like he did for brooke. but i know hes not that thoughtful. if only he knew. stuff like that would just make my damn life. i would just DIE. but im lucky if he shows up at all. theres no telling what sweetness lies down the road if we get past this point and this develops and i get into that boys heart. i have no doubt. theres just..something blocking me. he's got to let it down. i cant let him in i hope he can let me in without me letting him in cause i just cant right now as bad as i want to i know better. i just dont want him to become my whole world again when im not his ya know. im actually hoping he will invite me over tomorrow night since i get off so early and dont go in til late the next day though i do have a test to take wednesday. but yea i actually have quizzes to take right now lol im bout to! just had to get this off my chest. but yea,. itd probably be better if i went over thursday. cause im off, i have my shoot i could just go over after that. if he even wanted me over there that early. but yea we'll see. i dont know if i could turn em down if he asked me to go over tomorrow i want to! i probably wouldnt. idc i want to spend as much time with him as possible. he hurt his leg today i feel bad cause hes having such bad luck but he doesnt see it that way hes being a good sport. omg these fucking cats i cant wait til she goes out of heat UGH. anyway yea....im seeing if we make it to the end of the week. if we do thatll be a good sign. cause he cant hold in his rebellion for very long. if he comes to see me at work tomorrow thatll make my day and be major points for him. we'll see. but yea i dont want to puppeteer and try to control him. but its making me like feel crappy everytime i initiate anything and just keeping the text convos going all by myself makes me anxious so what i think i need to do is back off even more. like never text him first even when i desperately want to. he usually texts me by 1. and like dont include so much in the convo. it sucks cause so much stuff happens that i wanna tell em about. but i guess i just wont. when something funny happens ill just have to let it be funny at that moment and just move on. share it with someone whos around. tomorrow will be shipment so itll be easy to focus on work while im at work. cause ill have work to do lol and itll be good practice. i gotta be real tight with my diet tomorrow and wednesday and thursday before the shoot i will not blow this like i did my show and get complacent i gotta be strategic. but yea anyway. so no initiating anything. flirting i guess a little bit is ok but no complimenting. no initiating seeing eachother no initiating convos no admission of feelings. nothing. dont VOLUNTEER info let him ask. be more mysterious i guess. well shit dont try to hard. its just...holding back more. which sucks but hey this is just..what you have to do at this point. be yourself but dont spill your life out on the table. the less he gets of you the more he'll want and if you talk less he'll miss you more and want to see you in person. trying not to puppeteer i just want to feel better and i cant seem to relax. anyway. k gotta take these quizzes. idk. hoping for the best. i hope he comes to see me tomorrow that would make me so happy.

Things are good I think

I really do think things might be okay. idk after we had our big blowout and made up to be friends things kind of changed. ive been honest with him about how i feel about the situation i told him we're not together and i dont want to be with someone that doesnt want to be with me and isnt proud of me enough to change their fb status and like that if some nice guy comes along then im not going to give him the "its complicated." he's still like kind of asshole-y like he picks on me a lot but its not as bad i think this just might be his personality but lately i get the feeling he does care if i stay or go like he would notice. when i went over there last night it was chris i saw first i just came in and we talked for a while and he gave me a hug :) made me feel special i think he said i need to come over more. so i know he likes me which feels good. all my friends hate corey. ahha well no not all. but yea none of them just like him. only aeric. but like i told him everyone at work blah blah how they feel and how aeric was saying he was TRYING and he was like 'see aerics on my side' so maybe he IS trying? he doesnt see us as friends with benefits. and he does care what i do. like it would bother him if i was with someone else in any other way. we talked about it. and he told me he wouldnt do anything with anyone else at all because "we're talking" so i guess we are working on things? just the way he acts like yday i dont remember what he said probably some racial shit lol but i was like fuck u bro via text and he goes woahh youre not coming over anymore and then i was like fine ill go to the movie with someone else and let them have the tamales i made you and chris and he was like nooo ok i lied you can come over lol and i was like thought so :) and he sent a smiley face back! yday i had like the anxiety again cause he wouldnt text me back all damn day and i just told him the truth and that if he didnt want to go with me just dont and he just laughed and said he was taking a nap. so i did go over there. got all pretty for thor lol he told me i looked good. and that i smelled good as usual. then like idk he just gives me a lot of attention when im over there and we talk about things. it helps because were both like honest i feel like we're getting back to where we're being ourselves and i just tell him how i feel and i think he legitimately feels bad about how he treated me and he wants to like keep me around. even if we're not together ya know i mean like i said im not going to turn down prince charming and if he doesnt like change things and make a move and make me his girlfriend and change that facebook status before that time comes its his loss but for now im okay with working on things. he's in a vulnurable place ya know like not that positive of a place though he's holding up pretty well. being jobless and broke i know he feels crappy but i dont mind. i mean thats just really not whats important honestly. last night i remember thinking like because sometimes when we have sex like he doesnt really...finish anymore its weird its like he quits in the middle and i usually just give him head til he nuts but like i like it better when he just does it til he nuts then we're good. last night i was thinking wow now even the sex isnt as good as it was he's losing me. idk. we'll see. i told him today i feel a lot better now that im not like obsessed with him. it just feels better on my end i told him he brought me down a LOT of notches. he knows he messed up. as of now i mean...idk where we're gunna go from here. no the passion isnt necessarily there like it was. well sometimes. i still feel it sometimes. its really cause my guard is up im no longer just like oh hell yea lets free fall no im being very cautious and its working. i can see him start to value me more. when he gives me crap i give it right back. today i was hassling him about the condom boxes right in front of chris and he didnt say anything. i dont want to .like clown him or treat him bad. but i am starting to feel like i have some collateral. he like wanted me to fold his clothes this time so i did and we sat there and talked while i did it. i did leave earlier than last time cause of chris but its good cause ill have the whole day now. i did want to stay with him though i wont lie. but yea i just kept my cool. i feel a lot more confident now. maybe this is good. while we were talking he said like he doesnt know what he did to himself to get him the way he is and i just told him like i still hope a little that maybe ya know maybe things will get better that maybe everything ive been through and dealt with will be worth it. and one day he'll just wake up and just..wakeup. and he was like things are going good though arent they things are good when we're together? and it was just like..now sometimes i hear him kind of sounding like me ya know? i really want us to get back to the place where we're like a little more affectionate and sweet to eachother like we used to be. now im starting to feel like maybe we can. maybe he is in the cards for me maybe this is God's will. who knows ya know? but i dont think its a fling. i can see us together. and i can see us together for a long time. christmas is in a month and a half i wonder what we're gunna be by then. if he would let us be facebook official that would mean a lot though not as much as it wouldve in the past. i like this better. feeling less. cause i mean i can control it. if i want to feel more i can. but once i feel too much its hard to feel less so im happy where i am. but yea like..idk we're not in the roller coaster phase which is not what im used to i don't feel a lot but i still have feelings for him. i think this is good for us maybe we're going to be okay like i actually have a feeling of peace when it comes to him. like i finally feel like he's starting to get it. and i mean i'm not depserate im in no hurry. last time i was over i told him the lie about my two suppsoed friends mark and ashley and how mark is going to tell ashley he loves her and was wanting to know what to get her for christmas so today i told him he was going to take her to the aquarium and ride her on the horse drawn carriage and he was like wow you can do that? thats really cool. so like idk. i was trying to give him ideas lol God please help him find a job that pays well that he likes i know he's not happy just sitting around. and thank you for whatever this is I'll go with it and trust you because i didnt make this happen. maybe its meant to be. today he actually said like..that we were meant to be haha but he was joking. i was like you dont believe that. you cant even say it with a straight face. but idk. maybe part of him did. or maybe he was mocking me. hell idk. but it seemed like somewhere in him hes considering the possibility. he told me he doesnt think i look good with a black boy lol that he doesnt like it haha. and i was talking about how huge the next guy would have to be ha. anyway okay i need to go workout. i really want to get in amazing shape and start building my fitness career so maybe i wont have to work at vitamin shoppe forever. lol and becaUSE its fun and i want an amazing body. time to get this diet tight and be creative prepping for this shoot on thursday. probably gunna go to the mall today and like target, marshalls, etc trying to put stuff together to wear. im just going to pick like...4 or 5 looks and try to knock them out in 2 hours. gotta get this body ready :) k bye

bored on my off day

So hey why not make anyother blog. Im not complaining cause i would not rather be at work. but yea, so i wonder...idk. idk what it is about Corey that got me hooked. i did tell him i like didnt mean to just dump all my shit on him and become so dependent but i tried to like sheild him from it and he would like urge me to let him be there for me. so i got comofortable i havent really ever had that. no ones ever taken care of me like he did. its crazy cause yesterday conrad referred to "when you and corey get married" and it didnt sound weird to me. i know i say i could marry everyone but its like...im not waking up from this. i just...idk. i dont think were GOING to get married. we couldnt even stay together for more than a month the kid doesnt even want to be in a relationship with me so im not even thinking about that LOL and im so happy and thankful that it doesnt sound like the end of the world. im still excited to go pro and get to travel and compete and maybe meet a hot fitness model to date im fine with that. its true Corey doesnt have a whole lot going for him in that aspect. but i do not care. for some reason nothing about him bothers me. he just feels like home. i mean hes a little thick right now, by no means fat but hes bigger than anyone ive ever dated in my life and hes going to be bulking the majority of his life probably. so thats something im going to have to deal with but it does not bother me. am i blind right now what is it? hes pale. and hes hairy. not curly hairy though. hairy none the less though. he gets beat up a lot not like beat up by a person but hes got bangs and cuts and little bumps in random places and his hair wasnt cut he wears the same stuff a lot. though he does have different clothes in his closet i wear the same shit too its the competitor life lol but yea like... idk usually everything is conditional and certain things ppl do are a turn off. i had to like adjust and accept so much with anthony cause i usually date boys who are like super well kept. garrisen wasnt necessarily but black boys just arent hairy and theyre soft and yea. so anthony loosened me up a lot that was gross and i dodged a bullet but i can see clearly how that was a huge contributing stepping stone. but like yea i mean...theres just SO many things that i dont care about. the way i feel about him i just dont get. WHY i keep coming back i just dont get. i really think its not like a bad thing though. it may fade in time if we dont make any progress and i can control it now. BUT like...its true. its just how he makes me feel. hes different from anyone ive ever been with but if i could relate it to someone it would be bj but hes a lot funnier. hes very very funny. a lot more aggressive too. im not forcing anymore im just going with the flow but sometimes i really do wish he liked me like i liked him or that it would develop into that because i really see like...i think i would be super lucky if he felt that way about me. he seems to have a possessive side which i like. but like not to the point of garrisen or anthony cause he isnt insecure. but it just...is nice to think that he could ever feel that way about me. not that i dont deserve it it just doesnt seem to be there ya know. for him at least. i dont think i give him bubbles. in which case we dont need to be together cause i dont want him to feel how i felt when i was with garrisen. but i just dont care about anything everything about him is beautiful to me. i love his face, his smile, his lips. his hands feel like sand paper but i still love to hold them and i love it when he touches me anywhere especially my face i dont even notice. i love his voice and the way he talks and listening to him talk. i love his hair a lot lol and his face no matter how round it is when hes bulking. hes still my backstreet boy haha and his eyes. i just love everything especially when he gets all aggressive. everything about him is attractive to me. i mean monitary stuff is nice but i mean hes taken care of and i remember when i was. i was younger but hes a boy. i just really like most things about him and he is like my best friend. i miss the days when we told eachother everything i dont its not exactly the same now but i hope were getting back there. it really is like that taylor swift song. and when ya find everything ya look for, i hope your life leads you back to my door. oh but if it dont, stay beautiful. i know in my heart this probably wont happen i have a feeling i wont get to keep him. it sucks but my heart is making peace with it. im just enjoying our time together. but i can definitely see myself growing old with him. id stay with him til death do us part. i dont care that he doesnt have a job or tons of money or isnt in school. i believe in him and his dreams and i would help him any way i could which im sure could be a lot. i can see us supporting eachother and having a lot of fun and good memories and being very very popular with people. and i kmow he can see that too but if he just doesnt feel that way about me its not his fault and im not mad. i know he likes me. the question is how much and is he going to really be able to let me go. cause i dont want to do the half ass thing again. he has to know. im not really waiting around. but i can just..let it be what it is. have fun right now and see if it turns out he does feel the same i know he'll do the right thing and make it official he knows it means something to me. i just hope im over him long before he moves on so i dont have to hurt anymore. but when i see old couples in vitamin shoppe coming in shopping together, the guys like babe do you need anything else and theyre old and sweet and happy and still laughing, i can definitely see that being us. its just a matter like....if the pressure comes of. if theres no like..must. and if he basically has the time with me and the sex...will he still want to be with me. i made a facebook status saying "why by the cow if you can get the milk for free? because its good ass milk and you dont want to share duh" thats the truth. if he has FEELINGS for me he wont want me with anyone else. and as i do more for me i think hes beginning to see like i dont need him. and i hope its not intimidating. idk. we will see. i dont have much hope anymore im not going to lie i can see this being as far as it goes though i do think it would be hard for both of us to let go. i dont plan on bringing up relationships or being friends with benefits or asking him what we are. and if he asks me ill tell him the truth. ill say we're not friends with benefits because friends with benefits dont have feelings for eachother. we;re one of two things. we're either delaying the inevitable (complete severance which is a sign that that's not what we want) or we're "working on things." "starting over" but we're definitely not friends with benefits and we're definitely not together. and the fact is if he likes me, he'll want me to be his and no one elses. if he doesnt care then its not meant to go anywhere. but right now like im happy with my life i want him in it but i dont NEED him to be my boyfriend. i want him to want me to be his girlfriend or i dont want it. its not necessary ya know. Thank you God for this peace and this growth. i truly believe i could be the best thing that ever happened to that boy. I opened my eyes and we'll see if he opens his now. cause its really not me that needs him. its like is he ready to deal with his issues or am i not the one. if im not its not the end of the world. its sad. and its going to hurt when we stop talking. thats the thing i cant see. i do not see that happening. and this could be a blessing in disguise God could be working in OUR favor but regardless i Know he is working in MY favor idk if Corey is what he wants for me. i do know though and i can tell by the way things are going for me that my life is about to start falling together and he can either be apart or not he can easily get left behind but I knew when he broke my heart that God would make me prosper and thats exactly what hes doing. I like who he is I like his personality I like how he treats me and how we fit together. but it really is up to him if he wants to change and make me like..be a better guy to me. if not, i won't be fighting for it. because i already have other suitors. im not going to be on this "its complicated" shit im either single or im not. theres a chance he could be using me for entertainment while hes jobless but i mean...thats basically what im doing. id never use him but i just want his company and like to enjoy myself too. we're just like...idk. doing what we do. and when he gets another job, if i get him another job, it could be like hjust forgets about me. gets busy. doesnt care. or this experience could humble him and show him whos really there. i do think hes STARTING to come to his senses but i dont know. i dont. and until im sure no i do not consider us together and no i dont want us to be. i do want him to invite me over tonight. i dont care if we're going to see eachother three times this week i love being around him we dont get sick of eachother so it doesnt even matter. i think im going to do a moisturizing treatment right now. just in case. cause he keeps asking me what im doing he did the same shit last night and i know hes not doing shit and i know he knows im off and not doing shit. i think he mightve wanted me to come over last night but i told em i was just going to chill i actually went to sleep i was super tired yday. but yea. thank you God. Im in a MILLION TIMES better place than i was last week. or even earlier this week just in general. im in a good place. i like him but i know my worth i needed to be shown and like have it reiterated to me. at my best anybody would want me. i cant always be here. but im here most the time. we'll see. i really am bored though damn haha

Seemingly all is well, but what are we now?

from the outside looking in it appears that we have become friends with benefits. all signs are of course pointing to the fact that we should not have had sex but damn its hard to be around the kid. i wanted to really bad he was so hot lol i mean...if thats whats going to like...hell, idk. maybe were not meant to be then im really not trying to play a bunch of games. but anyway so. idk tuesday i got mad at him for not texting me back and making me feel annoying and he told me he missed me. twice. and sent me that damn drake song again. idk what he was doing i guess he was playing with me idk. but he ended up asking me when i would come see him again (he got fired the day before) and then it was decided that i would come over that night. i told em i wasnt going to stay but of course i ended up staying. but yea so we ended up talking about everything. at one point he pissed me off cause he was like THEN WHY R YOU HERE and i like got my jacket and my shit and left and im walking to the car like how far is he going to let me get. i promise you if he didnt have any feelings for me he wouldve let me go. sometimes they do even when they have feelings for you. that pride. but no he cut me off in the street and we just talked about everything. he said he did feel pressured cause hes been trying to think of what changed his mind then he also said since i kept skipping my period he thought he was going to get me pregnant. and im like..i told em i was sorry for pressuring him i didnt mean to but he was so evil to me. and like how could he fake all that time and he said the way he answered things like was incorrect cause he wasnt faking, you cant fake that i was like EXACTLY. he said he did want to be around me and he wasnt faking blah blah. i really just like made it hit home how much he hurt me. at the end of the convo he just said like he wanted my company and he wanted me to come inside. i sat like far from him all night and wasnt really on him. til like the next morning i was. a little. but i still didnt initiate anything. things that stuck out to me is that he seemed to feel stupid. like he fucked things up and he shouldnt have. he apologized a lot and took back some of what he said. i told em he told me i could do whatever i want as long as i use protection and he was like NO lol he kept reiterating that he was happy i came. and wanted to know if i was. kept wanting to know who i been talking to, if i was going to the movie and who with and that he still wanted to go with me, i did tell him yesterday in the morning that i was planning to go with garrisen cause it was free and free food. and he didnt have a whole lot of comment. i was going to leave but he was like no i dont want you to leave yet. but yea then like after i left i texted em saying if you want to go to the movie i will tell garrisen no and he was like "i wanna go." i feel like idk if id have been able to swallow my pride if he told me he was planning to go to the movie with brooke i might have been like nah its cool go with her. so idk if that means he really cares or he doesnt care that much but judging by all the questions he was asking me. he cares more than i thought he did. i mean i was like extra distant especially that night. i was like i mean youre getting what you wanted this is what you wanted and he was like well im not really am i. and like we had sex i think 3 times that night and once in the morning. i told him before we had sex he just wants to have his cake and eat it too but if you dont want the cake you cant eat it. and he was like but i do want the cake. i dont want to hang out with him if i cant have sex lol sorry. unless im on my period. i do have to get this vagina under control cause its still super dry but im doing the moisturizing treatments every night and as soon as i get my finances back up im going to take omega7 hopefully that will help. i need to go to the gyno and get some diflucan really. if there was some already up there that would be awesome :) but yea just in general id say like.idk he was like all on me and i was very like..like i said distant and making him fight for everything which was super hot cause i love it when hes aggressive. its crazy cause i thought it might be all physical. its not. idk what it is about him. but i mean the whole relationship thing is just me being proud of him and wanting people to know hes mine. BUT like..im at the point and thank you God for restoring my strength. like if he doesnt feel the same i dont want em. ya know? i dont want to be with somebody that is only with me cause they feel pressured if he wants to be with me it needs to be because he cant be without me and doesnt want me with anybody else. if he feels like that then we should be together. but i dont want to be in a relationship wheere im not sure so right now i dont want to be in a relationship with him at all. i dont trust him. and i dont know how he feels about me our communication is not where it should be and i just dont want to get hurt which he said i would no matter what. so we're either friends with benefits (which will not work because we have feelings for eachother) or like we're working on things. 'talking". I think that if i keep doing my own thing, not really giving him a whole bunch of attention, but still like being there for him cause now that he's jobless hes bored to death. Im trying to get him a demo job with GAT. idk. its in my nature i dont want him to suffer. but yea so i mean idk whats going on but I know God is pulling the strings I didnt initiate any of this I just went along with it. And i hope hes not just playing with me i told him he better not be. theres no point in that. i cant see him feeling the way hes acting but i mean ..im guarded right now. and i plan to stay this way he can earn his way back into my heart or not at all. and yea why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. cause it used to be your cow and you dont anyone else to have it. so i mean...me depriving him of milk...idk he already knows me. the thing i can deprive him of that i think will mean more is attention. so im trying. though its hard. im trying not to text him today because i text him every datgum day. i cant remember how the convo got started on.... tuesday like did i text him first i think so lemme check. he never texts me first anymore. oh yea i did text him first telling him we didnt have to talk anymore and he said no. OMG HE TEXTED ME GOODMORNING!!!!!!! nevvvvvverrrrrr happppeennnnsss. i was actually reading over our texts from tuesday and a new one popped up saying "Morning! I'm sure youre still in bed enjoying your day off" lmao. well. idk. we will see. i dont think he wants to be in a relationship right now which is fine honestly because i dont really want to like be with HIM right now. i want it to get better so itll last. but we are going to see Thor. so im guarenteed to see him saturday. im hoping maybe hell ask me to come over tonight but if he doesnt i am still OFF yay and then in another day im OFF AGAIN. gotta hit the gym hard this upcoming week so i can kill my photoshoot with yasmine next week wooooop! love :) yea im doing well. honestly i am. as long as i get to spend time with him and hes not moving on (which he says hes not, he says girls are scared of him ahahhaha) then im okay.

What does it mean?!!

So. Yesterday clearly I went to bed feeling amazing. I got a decent arm workout in. Didnt stay forever and do back like I wanted to because I knew I wouldnt get up in the morning. So I did arms, had egg whites for dinner and went to bed. Peaceful and happy and feeling amazing. then I wakeup at like..5..or 4. idk. and I saw my blue light was going off which annoys me so I was like let me exit these emails or whatever other bs it is. but it was a text and I was like who the hell is texting me at 2am?!! cause it was sent at 2:14am. i knew there was a possibility it was Corey. But I didnt really expect it to be him i mean he doesnt text me during the day. Why would he text me at 2am. But it was him. But what really shocked me was what it said. it said "woke up thinking of you. hope all is well." i mean.....WHAT THE FUCK. who wakes up thinking about a friend at 2am?! Honestly it has confused me all day and when I told Aeric about it all he said was he needs to stop playing with my emotions. Which is true. BUT ...and ive tried not to read too far into it. But if he was thinking of me at 2am there is SOMETHING. idk what, but theres something. cause i mean....you just dont do that with people you have zero feelings for. and he wouldnt have taken the risk of texting me knowing it might give me the wrong idea unless it was the right idea. he wouldve kept it to himself unless he was bothering me. but oh...i wonder if he was like man shes probably still hurting i feel bad. let me text her i hope shes okay. sigh. didnt think of that. but he shouldve been able to look on my fb and see that all was well. i mean my last post yday was "today was the best day ever" type shit,. and all i posted was positive shit all day. i didnt want to text em back because i knew then id have anxiety waiting to see if he would text ME back. but i knew also that if i didnt text him back..it would be because if i didnt he would continue to think about me. and that was a little backdoor way of puppeteering. so I texted him back the most emotionally blank message i could i just was 100% honest i said "thanks! other than these evil cramps that are plaguing my uterus its all good in the hood! lol" and he said like...4 hours later he said "lol sorry. did you start your period?" and i told em how miserable i was and bleeding to death (not completely true but i did have annoying cramps and back pain all damn day..still do!) and this mofo was like all happy talking bout sorry but its a good thing. and i told em like thanks buddy glad someones happy about my suffering and hes like sorry but is it that bad yall have to do this every month and i was like im done talking to you youre being annoying and b lah blah im in pain what i need is drugs BYE lol and he texted me back like "lol sorry. you have four cats they should help you feel better."...like,...the fuck? he legitimately was getting on my nerves. i typed up a message to send back like what the fuck do my cats have to contribute what i need is drugs but i just deleted it cause i was like what is the point of this convo like what is the point of us talking ya know? ive gotten to the point like if he doesnt like me and we're not "talking" or in a relationship i dont need him as a friend i cant get over him or be at peace if we're talking every day and he said he needed space. so thanks to him and his random night time texts the silence between us has to start tomorrow. which is actually perfect cause its monday. and mondays always a great day to start things. anyway. yea....part of me wants to believe..and the old me wouldve ran with this like HE DOES HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME..but i dont believe that. he said he didnt. he said he didnt like me. he didnt want to be around me and all the things i did for him he found repulsive. he confirmed this when i said it. he treated me bad so i would break up with him so he could be left alone so like...im leaving him alone and i know in my heart whether or not it may change in the future or not RIGHT NOW that boy doesnt want me. idk why he woke up out of his sleep at 2am thinking of me or why he wanted to text me maybe he had a bad dream or was legitimately concerned. idk. but im gunna leave it at that. cause i mean...idk. he seems to really be an asshole like nothing he says makes me happy. that made me feel good cause he has never in his life told me he was thinking of me and hes never texted me like that in the middle of the night. its been over a month since hes even initiated a text. i thought he might say something more in depth today or apologize for sending that but he didnt. im doing my best not to give him anything. for the first time since the first time he broke up with me i am letting him go. and i just hope he lets me go too. him coming clean and admitting he just doesnt want me changed things, it changed everything it changed my view of things. and especially my view of our potential. there isnt any. its gone as far as it could. everyday i get a little more comfortable with the reality that there is A VERY good chance that all thats going to happen over this month is that i get over him and have peace. that us getting back together is not really even a possibility. its nowhere near his mind. hes been over me for a while. and as hard as it is for me to accept i mean...its pretty much 100% certain everything he did he just..faked it. all the kissing all the hand holding..wanting to be around me...it was all a lie. if thats true we dont ever need to be together cause i cant trust somebody who can fake that well. i dont think ill ever be able to trust him again because ill never believe that he wants me. itll just be for the chase ya know? regardless i havent changed and im not going to change over the next month. i will improve. but no matter how strong i get i dont want to be with somebody with whom i have to like...hold back. if i feel somethign i want to express it. period. whats the point of feeling it if you cant. i want to be with someone who appreciates me and makes me feel wanted not that makes me feel not good enough. this person hurt me SO bad. im getting to the point i would enjoy the attention but i dont want em back. i could get sad right now if i thought long enough on how horrible he treated me. theres notnhing in this world he could do to fix it. scratch that. it would be somewhat easy if hed put forth effort but thats the main thing. he doesnt have any feelings for me to motivate him to change or treat me better. now that im gone hes happy and honestly im happier than i had been in about a month with him. and i cant sit here racking my brain trying to figure out why ill just rot thinking about it. its a mystery that i dont understand. but he said what i needed to hear. that he didnt want me. and i am not going to like...live my life trying to win over someone who doesnt want me. im a freaking amazing person and im probably the best he'll ever get and if he doesnt see that he doesnt deserve me whatsoever ya know. he should worship the ground i walk on like i did him. but he doesnt. and he wont. boys dont have these epiphanies that we wish they would. not til theyre much older and way too late. i just wanna be okay and i am. its hard to like mentally completely let go its like even letting the pain go hurts. Like when I try to completely let go i get a little sad because i mean...this has been my...everything..for almost 3 months now. im having to like rediscover myself and it feels good but change is always uncomfortable. and i mean it never feels good to fully realize you believed a lie. at least now i know im going to be okay. its just like...theres a lot of opportunities kind of coming up...and its scary and like..i just never wanted to do all this without him ya know? i wanted him with me. leaving him in the dust was not my dream at all. but i gotta keep moving forward ya know. i got goals and things happen for a reason and if theres an opportunity to help me towards my goals im gunna take it. today wasnt AS good as yesterday though it was still good. im starting to see the pattern. im ONLY happy and at peace when i DONT talk to Corey. sigh. thats how people get addicted to things. something that starts out so good becomes the thing that hurts you and you dont want to let go of when it was your saving grace. but hes not anymore. hes the problem. and i need him out of my life. im excited for tomorrow because everyday is another day for me to get closer to getting over him. to get further from the last time i saw him, the last time we spoke. its only been hours since we last spoke. like......5 maybe. but its been officially a full week since we've seen eachother. ill say this real quick for the record in case one day i need to give myself or anyone else an i told you so. let me preface this by saying i know that my instinct as far as positive things about him has always been wrong so it means absolutely nothing. my intuition was completely off this WHOLE time. i never listened to the bad and the good was all fake. BUT i mean ill say it anyway, last night when he texted me i felt a pull i hadnt felt in a while. like when he texted me that one time the time i tried to break up with him annd he wouldnt let me. i felt like...idk...idk i felt something i cant put my finger on it. but it wasnt something you feel from a friend. and i felt a little victorious like oh i got em now. like he wasnt going to stop thinking about me. like the tables were in the process of turning way earlier than i expected...actually i never expected it to happen at all. but yea....i know it was nothing. with him its always nothing. he seems like a passionate person. and like when he feels strongly for someone, or loves them, they're very very lucky. i wanted to be that girl thats all i wanted. and i did everything i could to save my spot BUT the missing factor was his feelings for me. i dont want to keep feeling this over and over i dont want to keep like having to RE-realize he doesnt want me. i get it. its time to like keep going now like..let me be dude. we dont need to talk. part of me thinks he might actually text me next week to go to the movie but the majority of me knows better. this will be the end. but....now i know me. i know that its probably going to take the rest of this week now for me to stop expecting a text in the middle of the night. and stop checking my phone. i dont know why he did that. but im sick of trying to figure him out. he gave me his story im going to go ahead and believe that one. man its only 8:30 but im tired. i wanna go to sleep lol. im not going to want to cook my food tomorrow i need to do it tonight but i dont have my taco seasoning for my turkey. all i have a cramps im not leaving the house. think ill drug up and go to sleep since i dont have shit to do :)

First good day in a long time

Amazing to be exact. well yday I texted Corey basically..idk why in the morning i did it because my period didnt come and i asked em to pray then when i sent em a pic of the negative test he didnt respond. but after that i sent em a message just saying like i wish he wouldve told me this whole time the reason he didnt want to be with me was because he just didnt like me. like why didnt he tell me at his house. i believed he did because he acted like he did like he led me on i wasnt just being stupid. and i know he can get any girl he wants but im the one that appreciates him for his heart and who he is not just looks body and his looks. and i wouldve been long gone had i know i was the reason for his unhappiness. that i only ever wanted to make him happy and he made me feel SO stupid. that he really hurt my feelings. and that we couldve been good friends but i dont want to be friends with someone who thinks so little of me. and he messaged me back saying that he didnt think little of me at all that it was just hard the way i came off in his room he was speechless and sometimes hes too nice and doesnt say what he needs to. he didnt know what to do about the sitatuion and he knows hes the reason for everything and all the stress it caused me and that he'd love to be my friend and hes sorry for everything. and i sent him something heartfelt and he sent something heartfelt back basically saying we'd be here for eachother and always think the highest of eachother no matter what. i was happy for a while but i think i just did it because i wanted to stay close to him. i was thinking we'd still hangout and talk all the time just not have any physical relations. but when i asked em if he still wanted to go see thor next weekend he said i was crazy and asked if it would be weird? i told em no as long as were both single its fine cause we hungout forever before we ever did anything. but he was like "ok that makes sense im fine with that" and im like..youre fine. so im still like...hes still just LETTING me like..be around him etc. its like..im just sick of it. HE DOESNT LIKE ME. ya know? just...idk. in my heart i still vividly remember when he did. and i dont know what just shut that down. i know it was mostly me like..suffocating him to death. i just...got in way too deep ...way too quick. i didnt let it develop. honestly i still..have hope in my heart because i feel like if i truly leave him completely alone for like a full month (which will be going against my nature completely but i have to learn sometime) that we will both have time to like..forget about all the bad stuff. i wont be so sensitive. ill have my confidence back. not give a fuck what he thinks and just be my damn self. i miss that me. and he'll have time to just..forget about my clinging and crying and being dependent. and just remember the good stuff. maybe he'll see my pics on fb and that im doing good and just..idk remember the good about me. ill have to decide whether i want to reach out or not. i mean...i dont want to go back to the same old thing. i already talked to God. i told myself i wouldnt text Corey today but i did. Nicole Wilkins made a post that made me think of him so i sent it to him saying "made me think of the most dedicated person i know" and it took him four hours to respond so i was kind of pissed off. and before he responded I told God its so freaking hard for me to let him go because i dont want him to forget about me and move on and ive never met anyone like him. But I want God to know I value his wants over mine and I trust him with everything and i have to stop being a control freak and completely let go. and let him have the wheel. so that i mean if he wants us together nothing can tear us apart not even Corey. but if he doesnt..I pray he at least lets me move on first. But that means I have to stop puppeteering once and for all even if i want to. No texting him. at all. unless i see a murderer entering his house there is no reason for me to text him WHATSOEVER. i need to cut him off. cause if it was just a friend i wouldve been cut him off. its time for me to stop thinking with my heart and think clearly. doesnt matter his potential it matters like..reality. what he consistently does. and right now he consistently lets me down. my only hope for a happy ending...be it me by myself just at peace and happy again or us getting back together or at least trying to. idk. my ONLY hope is to put it in Gods hands and just back off completely. i gotta give the boy space. i mean even with BJ that one time he cut me off completely..when i finally let me alone he came back. he had to see me so it was easier and he loved me so it was almost inevitable BUT still. it happened with Tyree too. time heals. im just scared that he didnt mean what he said he said he cant be in a relationship right now he would end up hurting me in the end no matter what. so i know he has NO intentions of us ever being together again. but..idk. the feelings were there. he told his mom about me. and he still loves to be around me. maybe he just needs space. and if i completely act like i dont want him for a while and get my stuff together. i also think...the thing was he liked ME. confident, independent, the real me. when i started changing and making my whole life about him is when the feelings changed. so if i get back to me, with a stronger dfoundation in GOD instead of my confidence coming from a boy....maybe the feelings will return. if they were ever there...and i didnt do him wrong at all...and we are on good terms...they could come back. but i have to completely let go. i can't do this thinking its another way to control things because thats backhanding my word to God. I gotta try my best to forget about him. focus on God, me, and my other obligations. being a better person and cherishing every day. i want to grow from this so it doesnt happen again. i want to love myself more than any man in this world and only put family and God above that. so everyday Im telling myself GOD made you beautiful. GOD made you smart. GOD made you talented. GOD made you a good person. GOD created you for a purpose. GOD gave you value in your SPIRIT and NO ONE can ever take that from you. YOU ARE GORGEOUS INSIDE AND OUT. HUMANS are your equals. Only GOD is above you. and you have NO ONE to impress but HIM. i have to remember this and say this to myself everyday until i believe it with my heart and soul. if Im seeking him everyday, i wont be distracted or possessed by other random crap that pulls me off the path and if me being closer to him pushes me away from ANYONE they dont need to be in my life. period. but yea today...i woke up feeling crappy. cried a LITTLE this morning but not much. Work was boring at first and I wasnt in the best mood but I was nice to customers as I have been since me and Kelly had that talk. I dont necessarily pretend to be happy when Im not. But I just try to help them as much as i can and be nice to them. because its not their problem and i have the power to either help or hurt given to me by God I need to use it to help. but yea then idk..customers were being awesome i won over this one couple that made me feel so good and they said they loved me and would always ask for me. and then this other lady was waiting for me to be done with them and they all stood their praising me and aeric was like isnt she amazing. it made me feel SO good. the day went by so fast we laughed we had fun. the main thing was around noon one of my sexi in 60 clients posted pics in the group and man....i was so proud and it just reminded me i do have a purpose to get up there are people im really helping im GOOD AT SOMETHING and i mean i was so happy. i didnt think about Corey for hours and it really felt so good cause its been months since I went any time without thinking about him. Ive thought about him in everything I do but i forgot i have a purpose here i have a contribution to make to this world. my purpose is NOT to worship a boy and God Im so sorry I ever did i didnt mean to but it shows me that like i said my foundation was faulty. my thoughts of myself and my value and my confidence waiver with the wind because theyre rooted in PEOPLE and people waiver with the wind. if I plant my dreams and hopes and my image of myself in God who loves me and will never ever waiver, then I wont be so ...insecure ever. I gotta hold my head up and realize who i am. God created me to be a queen. and the person whos going to be with me has to be a king and a king will know a queen when he sees one. thats the best quote ever lol anyway. yea...so today was a big step. i feel GOOD. and at peace. for the first time in months. and like i said...it would make me so happy to be with Corey. though I wouldnt be surprised if after all of this my feelings faded a lot but that would be fantastic because then he wouldnt have any power over me and i could make good decisions. when im myself...this doesnt happen. boys are puddy in my hands as they should be when i treat them like suitors..as they should be. so idk it may not be over forever. but for now it is. and i accept and embrace that it NEEDS to be. we both just...have stuff to work on. i told em neither of us needs to be in a relationship right now. im going to throw away my strings, give them back to God and be his puppet and let him steer me where I need to be and he'll lead me to my king. im more than open to the possibility that it isnt Corey. i mean if we were to talk again things would have to be different. hed have to try harder than hes probably willing to but feelings control what we do so if his feelings return i have a FEELING hell be different. this was necessary. i had to get my heart broken. to build me into a stronger person. and ill attract better people. maybe at the end of the month ill hit him up cause i know without me we wont talk at all. i mean if he texts me next week like hey still wanna go to the movie? ill be like sure! and we can go. and ill treat him like any of my other guy friends. but i have a feeling he wont. if he does its definitely a sign there MIGHT still be something there if i havent talked to him in a week and he thinks of me then yea definitely. ill have to stick to my word. for the first time in my entire life ill have to exercise discipline. cause my instinct in a week when im feeling stronger is going to be to hit him up but i have to get this through my head. COMPLETE SEPARATION. meaning i can show him absolutely NO attention. i have never left him alone for more than 3 days. so that will be my first milestone. starting tomorrow. 7 full days will be sunday that will be my goal and my commitment. then ill do that four more times. december 1st im allowed to hit him up. if i choose to. i may choose not to. and honestly there is a possibility that within that month he will move on. and if it happens there is NOTHING i can do and i have to just know that that reflects poorly on him. i know hes not going to save himself for me hes not thinking about me at all. but i mean for him to move on that quick...i dont think he will because hes focused right now and he doesnt really do a whole lot of social things but i mean...he could. theres nothing i can do. and honestly i could move on too. if God sends me some nice hot guy im not gunna turn em down thinking about Corey cause he wouldnt do it for me. NEW is always appealing. thats why spending time apart helps because then you become NEW again. and NEW is always appealing. right now the reality is he doesnt give a shit. i could do whatever with any guy, post pics, change my relationship status. he would not care it wouldnt affect him whatsoever. so i need not waste my time thinking that like hes missing me cause hes not. i have to know what im doing when i do this. And trust that God is always pulling strings in my favor. He knows my heart so if I dont get to be with Corey there is something else hes saving for me. but I mean....i feel good for the first time in forever I feel...like me. And i want to stay on this path. Good news is: we are back friends on fb. he liked one of my statuses today even though it was talking about kissing frogs that dont become princes and that ill find one one day which i could be sad about cause it means he doesnt give a shit or i could just be happy that he liked my fucking status lol so he will still see anything i post. the hard part is going to be not posting with him in mind because its going to be my first instinct but that is puppeteering. its best to make a post because i want to or not at all. my last post was that today was the best day ever so thats a good one to leave up. but this month since i only have one class and no deadlines or any pressure for things i HAVE to do im going to take this time to heal and recover and REST. i been playing soccer with a broken leg for a while and its not healing. so im not going to ren fest. not going dancing tonight. everyday im going to go to work, the gym, and then home. i need to spend as much time by myself as possible so i can get to the point i LIKE being alone and stop pretending to be overly social and doing things just to take pictures. i need to do things i ENJOY and be in the moment not just take a picture of it and live vicariously through that. im going to do the next challenge no matter how many people sign up or don't sign up. because it helps people. even if it only helps a few and if i dont get that many pictures, people love it and the original reason i did it was to help people and it does. any money is money i dont have now. id love to get 3 grand and be able to get ahead financially and finish my tats. but ill take whatever i can get. and just do my best to help as many people as i can. and im going to do my photoshoot. and probably do some more to keep updating my portfolio and because it makes me feel hot and i enjoy it. these next two months i have a lot of free time and i want to use it to my advantage because its going to be hard to do anything next semester with all those classes. i can see how everything panned out now for the better, and i am actually happy. i dont feel heart broken right now which is crazy. i feel peace. i got my nails off and on my way out this girl didnt see me and kind of hit me. we got out, checked and we were both good and drove off saying have a good day!! God is really on my side right now things are about to be real good. He's walking with me I gotta remember that everywhere I go theres no need to be afraid or intimidated or anything because God is right next to me in spirit all the time. I feel empowered and strong and excited about life. Im about to go to the gym even though I have cramps and a slight headache because I want to. I want a six pack. Being heart broken has also helped me get somewhat smaller because food hasnt really been a concern for me lately. Cause I knew nothing could really make me happy so i just eat whats available. Idk if ill cook when I get home but i bought turkey and chicken to make a stir fry. and My goal is to get down to 12% bodyfat. but whatever ill just watch my weight, my measurements, and the mirror. i want this underbooty gone and to see abs and ill be happy. ....I have so many moments when I dont thinka bout him now. I looked at the pics in my phone and just smiled. He didnt look like a god to me. I love how he looks but I just didnt feel the same. and I didnt want to cry. My feelings are fading THANK YOU GOD!!!