RollerCoaster

man, sometimes like, idk some things b/w us are cute
but like foreal..hes posa b tryna impress me right now
but hes mostly just rude
like..whats your deal dude!
i just left em an open pass, huge opportunity,
cause i thought the other day
showed me that he responded to sweetness
which i thought was awesome cause its so much easier for me to be sweet
instead of fighting it
but nah. like..he is just SPOILED
lol like u tell em something & youre obviously not serious
& hes just like..
its getting like..actually funny.
like im starting to take it less seriously cause its seriously like a joke
i mean we cosign on fb
& he liked the status i put up specifically for him to like
but hes just..oblivious
theres the word. obvlivious.
somethin in my mind keeps tellin me over & over its only a matter of time
this is not gunna work
& i dont truly believe in my heart that it is
BUT for now, whatever.
ive grown up a little
God has graced me with the ability to live without him
so..it is what it is.
were talking now
i try this open communication thing
it sucks if u ask me
but i cant seem to hold stuff in anymore

eh, mood swings

idk what the heck. i go so back & forth
i guess i need to choose
do i wanna be alone & keep waitin for mister perfect
& justkeep jettin everytime my mind invents something new to freak about it
or..do i wanna stick around, b patient, chill out
and see what happens
yea, he does..not give me everything i want yet
but i have one more thing to try
ive been throwing myself on him, letting every jealous thought bounce off the tip of my tongue, i text him some long bs or chop him up about something everytime my mood changes
normally,& im pretty sure if it was me, id definitely jet
like..why put up with the drama?
it does feel like he has no intention of taking it further than it is
i cant imagine how like..we would have an opportunity to "get to know e/o" mentally now that weve known e/o so much physically
thought that is truly our only hope
idk.. when we were in that bed..& i was freaking out
& i turned over to pout..my pride was swallowed & i was going to turn back over & make him talk to me
but he did it first. MAYBE that means something.
MAYBE he did feel how i felt. i dont know
he didnt have to tell me i had nothing to worry about
he doesnt have to answer my ?s
he couldve told me just like daray "were not talking" but idk mayb we r?
idk. truth be told, yes i would like him to b more affectionate
yes i would like to talk to him more & spend more time with him other than extra late at night
i would like it to be way more obvious that he feels how i feel
& no i dont really think he does.
but he must like me some..to let me control him like i do
he really is patient with me & my antics & i need to stop
bc nobody wants to put up w/bs this early
but he does
i guess i just gotta back off & shut UP and let things flow
& not dream up something bad just because im afraid
cuz i like em too much
its a blessing that he hasnt changed like the last one did
& just seems to forgive & forget so easily
maybe he does see the good in me, hmm idk
he probably doesnt know i see the good in him
im trying to b nicer
when im myself, im sweet
so im trying not to force & b rude to be cool
i told em good luck on his tests & that id include him in my pretest prayers & he called me sweet. it was a good convo. idk ill see where it goes. sometimes when u stick around, & just..idk let them live their lives they come around. maybe ill finally get a bf for christmas who knows,
maybe if i let him initiate he will
maybe if i go away he'll miss me.
maybe in his spare time he'll think of me.
who knows. im gunna try to do what Victoria said in church last week
& deal mercifully with him
knowing im FAR from perfect, now i dont have to hide myself from him
my weaknesses or my moodiness
hes obviously already seen it and doesnt seem to care
now i just really want him to get to know the real me
because if i am myself, i know i am loveable
& when i was in the past, and til this day, when im not nagging
we have so much fun.
i can only hope & have faith that he feels what i feel
he should cause im just as much of a catch as he is
& i have just as much going for me
i hope he can make an attempt to get to know me better
& i made a promise to God not to pursue any man or praise any man more than him anymore
& to always turn to him for answers& not give man that power
so now i cannot do what i have in the past
if i am truly a child of the King that makes me a princess
princesses should b courted properly by worthy suitors
what would a princess look like mingling among the commoners gravling at a peasants feet
i do not think of myself this way. were all equal. but girls need to be the chasees not the chasers.
im trying to up my confidence & self esteem & give myself value
idk what he thinks of me
he doesnt tell me
& i dont want to ask
but i think if i let my spirit shine through & let these walls down
he will feel as i do if not more
because i know that my heart is of value
whther he sees it or not
BUT he doesnt specifically mistreat me
he never intentionally hurts me & he doesnt continue to do things after i tell him or show him that they hurt me
AND unlike the others, he does actually make me happy
only my thoughts make me sad
SO im gunna have to keep a positive outlook & just pray when the light goes from me
im convinced its the devil that makes me sabotage myself
& i need to continue to pray that God purge my soul if his filth
so i can walk in light as he would have me do
i really like this kid
the way we met was cute, and i think it was specifically orchestrated by God that i meet him & not the other
i did ask God to filter my feelings & only allow my heart to be drawn to someone he approves of
so im gunna have to follow my heart and my original instinct on this one
not be paranoid
& give him the benefit of the doubt
just in case it turns into something
if it doesnt, oh well
the times that i did get to be with him & all the laughs & the hugs & the kisses & the fights & the hours watching tv talking about nothing, was worth it
i just wanna enjoy everyday
ive wasted too much of my time wishing i was someone or somewhere else
now its time to enjoy wherever God puts me the best i can
& stop procrastinating on LIVING
anyway. i dont know when ill see em again
dont plan to text em anymore..well maybe tomorrow to c how he did on his test.
maybe not. idk. we'll see. probably not.
im trying to have him initiate from now on. think ive done enough.
i hope he does..but im trying to get a life & live for me. &* enjoy it when im with em, hope it increases. & then just..nenjoy whatever else is happening when im not with em. & let it go where it will without trying to rush. truth is we got time. AND if he wanted to use me, eh idk. he could use anyway.
if he does turn out to be using me, its his problem not mine
bc he will be missing out on a truly good girl who will cut for him
& make sure he is always & in all ways provided for.
i will just have to believe. & pray that Gods blessing has already been given to us. i wanna thank him for putting up with my ish.
but i dont wanna devalue myself more
idk we'll see where it goes
i cant deny though i like him
i guess i just have to be proactive and do what i know will help me toward my goal
& try to just believe & trust
& not make the mistakes of the past,
even tho i mostly already have & he lets me get away with it.
he could be using me, he could just be tolerating me
he could be talking to any other girl
both at the same time
i pray hes not
but i do have a choice to be positive or negative
trusting or paranoid
& im going to choose to be trusting & positive
& have him be innocent until proven guilty
& just know God will deliver me from whatever pain he causes me
love would be worth the risk
i cant just walk around scared
gotta just swallow my pride & my fear
& see what happens. as of now, its been 2 wks of me testing him
& he hasnt left yet
maybe now..i can let him do the work
see if he will
my plan is to just do that.
live my life & let him be part of it, not be all of it.
& be my normal positive self..seeking to be more Godly not more humanly
& hopefully we work out
if we dont it isnt meant to be
so far..idk
maybe it is.
i hope one day i can text him & say i miss him
or that he'll say it to me first
i hope to hear him tell me he likes me one day
call me baby
to know that he cares about me
that my presence makes a difference in his day
i hope one day i get to change my relationship status to in a relationship with him
i hope we take pics & hes the one i know i canalways talk to & be with
& i know for sure how he feels
to have someone to sleep w/. mostly every night
a new best friend/boyfriend to be attached at the hip with
inseparable from
but its a long shot
if its supposed to happen it will
i cant expect it, cant demand it
& if things were good b/w us yday i have to assume they are good today
but i have to let him chase me
thats what they like
its fun. so there you go hun
i have hope. & i am choosing to be positive.
if im wrong, ill deal with it then
but so far, i havent been

KEY to My hEART

listening to Dont Wake Me by Skillet
beautiful song

i miss em but i grew up a lot today
i watn what God wants for me
i know he has someone for me with whom it will just work
for all i know he could b feelin what im feelin & just not be as forward
but like, idk
im sweet to him..i think.
i compliment him. i always go see him
& i just have to wait for him to initiate
idk. i thought about it
spirits are like heart shaped balls of light
with key holes
we all have a hole & a key
our key doesnt fit in our own lock
its for someone else
i feel like he has mine, nothing compares to being with him
sometimes i feel like..when you meet someone, you just..know
you just fall. pretty quickly
it doesnt take that much time
but with him its taking forever
know he doesnt feel the same
i want him to have someone that makes him feel how he makes me feel
its been a LONG time since i felt this way
i wish i could b that one
i havent really been thinking about making HIM happy til now
only me, ive been Agenda Girl, Drama Girl, Yes girl, and Lost girl
i dont feel like the damage can be undone by human hands [it cant]
UNLESS God specifically wants us together, in which case nothing will tear us apart
idk why hes kept me around
thru all my nagging & bringing him lowkey random drama
& he just reassures me
but like, idk.. i still feel like..
idk i can thinkof one reason why someone would stick around thru bs, besidess liking them
i know he doesnt think of me like i think of him
i want him to be my bf
i dont want anyone else touching him
i know what you act like when you like someone
he doesnt act like that
we havent even talked today
why do boys always pick the day after things go down, when you really need them to be there
to not be there
lowkey im not trippin cuz i definitely need to study today
he did text me last night but i didnt wanna c him
which is a blessing from God bc i never thought i could not feel like being w/ him
next time..if there is one, pretty sure imuna make him come to me
& i just want us to have a freaking talk & not just spend our time eating e/os faces off
well..shoot idk. i just am at the point where i know im falling & i need to know if hes gunna be there to catch me
i need to know if he has feelings cause this is the point where it could just sever
i wish em well, i still wanna be his friend
& i do not regret one single second because he made me sooooo freaking happy
& he still has my heart
probably always will have a piece
& i dont wanna let go but i am
cause i need him to show me something
before we proceed.
so i am officially giving up. its up to him now
i think i deserve to be pursued & shown some affection
i need to know that he values me
if he doesnt show me, he wont see me til after the break
bc he should b trying harder to impress me
instead its the other way around
i know my only way of contributing to the possibility, eh idk
i dont believe he has feelings for me
i feel like he got what he wanted
& its only a matter of time so im just bracing myself for the goodbye
we'll see if he even notices if i back off.

ON THE FLIP SIDE
today was an amazing day. for the first time in a while i felt like God was with me. finally i was looking for the right person. not chasing anyone.
it was great. made good $ at work, got some studying done. [been studying since like 7] got my meds, my groceries, and my supps and worked out & actually wanted to. i felt energetic & happy today.
crazy that i feel energetic, happy, & confident the first day that i didnt talk to the rude girl [friend] or the rude boy [him]...
strange that my happiest day & most peaceful day is without the two main ppl..
eh. we'll see.
im letting God take over my relationships at this point.
but io do know who is a bad influence & where most of the negativity ive been feeling is coming from
& i am back eating right
2nd day in a row
i feel great, i think i look decent
still havent weighed myself. idk i dont wanna.
later, maybe monday.
im making progress. today i felt like me. goofy, happy, chillin
i watched a movie & studied
left my phone at home that was a biggie. it helped a LOT. & i havent been on fb or twitter really. all the unecessary stuff that really had me trippin i just got off today & it was so peaceful
i dont plan to completely reenter my coccoon. but i def plan to have some me time. moreso, some me & God time
cause i have to resume where i was & start growing from there again.
but yea.. so in summary,
im trying once again instead to find someone, to find myself
working on my confidence & sense of self worth
getting closer to God
um, i still really reaqlly like rude boy,
but im letting him go because im not sure he feels the same [my prediction is no]
so if he doesnt try, then we'll just slowly fall apart.
i'll miss him but hey, even when we were talking i always missed em
hes never missed me.
i need to hear about feelings. asap. thats what i really want
but i prayed about it its in Gods hands now
anyway, end of my study break
one more song & im back on it

emptiness

ugh. im so frustrated with myself right now
as usual. im having to go to extremes. to take a step back
because ive been doing the most.
me & the boy r probably pretty much ruined.
& i have to drop off the face a little bit
unless i decided to go out tomorrow
which i want to
i feel like once again i put so much effort into like the impression i was making
i havent really been myself
& idk if i made a good enough first impression for this one not to matter
i want a bf so bad its really hard to hide
i get so excited at the possibility that i might get one
its only a matter of time before i think every guy is perfect
end up staring at his fb three to five times a datgum day
wanna talk to em all the time
making myself way to available
considering them in every effing thing i do
its a bloody tragedy
im so clingy & needy right now
i shouldve just hidden it
i did for a while but man now its real obvious & im so datgum irritated
like..ugh.
cause i feel so out of control
like i just..blew his bloody head up
now hes ignoring my text. hes on fb & oovoo i see it right now. i texted him at 6:20 it is now 7:20
this is not how girls are supposed to be
boys are supposed to chase girls
he should b sitting there waiting on my call
i promise i have lowered myself so freaking much this year theres really like no return at this point. maybe next semester but honestly
right now no
because ive made myself soooo available and sooo swishy whichever way is cool
like..other people control my life
obviously i STILL dont know who i am
its ridiculous once again i want to hide. part of me just wants to go home tomorrow & just stay there. how do you get over being ignored like that? seriously?
like...im sitting here. this mofo is on fb too.
idk what to do cause ive literally made a food of myself.
it mightve been ok if i hadnt texted em today.
but i did. like an idiot.
now im so embarrassed i really just wanna disappear.
now i know its over. why do i do this to myself
i care so much what people think
people like me when im ME
idkwhat i was doing..
thats what i did with the last one.
like when u fail so datgum much..you really just wanna stop trying
how are u supposed to love yourself when u suck so bad
so freaking bad
SO BAD
i missed my chem test.
stuff is bad right now.
i dont even wanna show my face
or feel like pretending to be happy
cuz im pissed off
& ashamed honestly because i..
im pretty man. im funny. im a nice person
but its like i have no life
like i just bow down to these boys
im way too honest
just open up wide really? i need to keep everything to myself
another one bites the dust
its over. completely
i know it is. i might as well have a replacement
idk what this is. i promise like..
ugh. confidence & swag..still shot.
idk how to get it back.
im just this lost puppy chasin after any boy that shows me the time of day
like freaking middleschool
obsessive annoying..really>?
i need to find something else to live for
cause boys are not it
i like him but he doesnt deserve to just be thinking like
ugh. i laiud down & willingly GAVE HIM the upper hand
thank God we didnt go THERE
bc i would b like suicidal right now
how retarded can u be
its time to lock it up
foreal
and just shut everything in forever
bc when u try to b honest ppl just..idk.
exploit.
God is the only man i can trust,
i feel so empty. im so bored
brandon is the only thing i like.. and the only time i wanna spend
otherwise i just wanna sleep
& wake up & hope the nest day will be more exciting less embarrassing
why did i text him today
force force force
how do i get out of this slump
cause it really is a slump
i just gotta disappear now
which sucks. it really sucks
i wanna get this bio freaking final out the way
even though i cant bloody focus and i dont feel like studying anymore
who...am....i...
and how can i get my confidence back.
i knew it. i came out of my coccoon too soon.
im mad at him..but instead of giving HIM the cold shoulder
i basically..idk..let him give it to me
yea..i gotta just avioid him now
i dont wanna go to that party bc then its gunna be like
im lookin for him all night
he wont come
all he really has to do in life is study
play bball sometimes
i have way more stuff to do
but i make time for people
i manage my time so im never really "busy"
but i look like i have no life
& im just all on his tip
im glad i got that article done
ill do the other tomorrow. dangit. i dont have anymore sleeping pills.
efffffffffffffff
God please wash me clean of my embarrassment and shame
please make me ..me again
i been a shell of a person for a minute
'still tryna figure out wtf happened this summer to do this to me
was it tre? was it langston? [puke]
why:( i had more swag when life sucked.
this is ridonculous.
i need to toughen up
but im caught because im tryna b a good person
its just...not paying off
ive become a loser
like a social outcast
no one knows or cares who i am
i might as well just disappear :(
this sucks.
thanks a lot stupid. uggghhhhh
i need to stay away from boys :( but im so freaking bored
i could have 5 or 6 on a team if i wanted
& just have one to call when im bored
couldve just let this one be the main
but noooooooooooooooooooooo
i had to let him have all the power
now il;l never get it back :(
only way to do it is if he comes back
& pursues me & i turn him down
which sucks knowing i do actually want him
i need to go home tomorrow
eff this. & ill just stay there cause to b honest i have no reason to b here
& i need to take my mind of that boy. & everything else
God help me. im so super lost it feels hopeless :(

The Broken Road >> perfection

Every long loost dream..lead me to where you are
others who broke my heart
they were like northern stars
pushin me on my way
into your loving arms
this much i know is true..
God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you


Seriously, i feel like..all the other guys like..everything i always wished theyd notice..he did. everything they hated about me, he finds attractive. everything i never thought anyone would do, he does.
& its crazy i dont even think he really likes me yet
if it ever gets to that point
i cant imagine him getting better
hes waiting for me [you know]
& when it finally goes down lol..it goes DOWN
because hes lowkey super beasty
idk how he sees me
or whats gunna happen from here
but ill be patient cause with him it flows on its own
i love every bloody second with the kid
omg
like who know that just layin in someones arms
could feel so perfect
feels like goin home
like im a stranger in every place BUT those arms
love love love it
im not sayin a word. i know he knows i like him.
i cant wait til he likes me too, id probably just kill over if those words came out of his mouth
but everytime im with him the feelings get stronger & stronger
i just have to keep praying God will give me strength to control them
i can only reveal them in reciprocation
ah but im thankful for every perfect moment with his perfect self
his perfect smile perfect lips perfect voice
perfect touch
ah
perfection

are they all the same

so my friend tells me that my new "prospect"
with whom i have spent the past 2 nights
was at this party last night talkin to some other girl
idk. were not dating
idk where we stand
so i cant trip.
i think im really annoyed bc he is not texting me right now
but he can get on fb?
honestly im starting to feel like i need to stay away from him
because i like him more than he likes me
& obviously were not on the same page
none of the ones who seem perfect actually are
& im startin to feel like hes just physically attracted to me.
im really freakinf irritated that he cant even text me i know hges not studying
i know hes gunna go to pajamageddon
& im gunna b at home, again
i just dont like how i feel right now.