Stage 5: Acceptance

December wasnt that great of a month either. Im happy to be starting a new year. wow Cheetara is just sitting in the door way not moving at all STARNG me down. she finally turned her head ater at least 2 minutes haha and now shes back doing it again haha anyway. yea i told em i wanted to see em before the cruise so i did and it was amazing. went back again wednesday cause he wanted me to and it wasnt all that. but i was SO excited for him to come back. then the first day he fell asleep even though i had been planning to go over. then the next day i didnt hear from him til freaking 830. from then on...just issues. but i told him he could fix it if he still went to the wedding with me which he said he would but FORGOT? and made plans. blew me off. i stayed in bed all day depressed and he invited me over i didnt want to go. went most of the trip in mississippi without talking to him. he said merry christmas in a nice way but my response was dry. then i talked to him the day i came back cause i wanted to go over there. told myself i would just mess with his head but i mean idk when we're together its different. so no not really. it was great i mean he promised he wouldnt blow me off again and that things would get better. had AMAZING i miss you sex. i hung out with chris without him cause when i got there he wasnt there lol so me and chris are on good terms and we're back frriends on fb. nyway yea so as usual the NIGHT is great. in the morning i always just feel like he wants me to leave. but we agreed to spend new years eve together. idk he was being kind of rude that day not rude but SUPER neglegent as usual and unapologetic and then i was just like fed up i was ready to give up cause it just...isnt worth it. then i checked to see what i should wear for nye and he ended up getting a job. then i find out kimbo has a limo going to somewhere right down the street so i was trying to figure out where to leave my car when to get a dress whos going to drive me home and then i was like i can ride with corey and so i asked him but i mea he didnt answer before i went to sleep and i was like this is A LOT to do. and i decided id rather just stay home so i texted him saying that just so i wouldnt have to hear his lame no with excuses in the morning. and he said i made him feel bad. but he wanted me to have fun and would do whatever to help. and im like no really i dont want to go. and i mean he answered me like one time after that. thought he might say he didnt want me to be alone after i told him what i was doing. so i could say but you were alone on thanksgiving and hed be reminded how i was there for him. BUT he didnt. his response was fine but just...not what i wanted. so i didnt text back all day. 9 hours later he texted me saying he hopes i have a fun and safe night tn. and i mean. idk i couldve said nothing. nut i was like okay ignoring isnt going to do anything. so i said thank you with an exclamation mark. thought he might text back but no. maybe hes going in to work idk. part of me is wondering if he'll text me at midnight. he knew my big thing was that i wanted a kiss at midnight. ive never had one. thought he might text me happy new years...and that he wished we were together. or that he wished he couldve kissed me at midnight. but he just...he never says anything sweet. i decided last night i was done and i didnt feel different today. im not happy. but ive accepted it. i looked up the 5 stages of grief and i went through all of them. october was a month of denial. and anger. november was....idk bargaining. a lot of bargaining. praying that God would help me out with it. and even bargaining with him. and depression has been scattered throughout there might be some left. at this point im not at any of those stages anymore. im done. ive done it all. i gave it everything i had. now..im just done. i may not like it. but i do accept it. i was holding on to how he was but the truth is ive always felt more for him than he did for me and its never going to change. i couldnt feel less and he couldnt feel more and he just stopped trying its exhausting holding everything together on your own. absolutely...draining. i have no more. if he was wanting to work it out great if we were both trying great. but its ALWAYS been JUST me. even when he was sweet all he ever bought me was dinner an groceries. nothing sweet out of thoughtfulness and he got to skip all the holidays. there was about a month of goodness but even then i could just FEEL that we werent on the same page and thats whats always bothered me. i shouldnt have ever said anything about fb but i could have NEVER guessed that it would be THIS big of a deal. and just tear everything apart. he was gone by the end of october. but he came back. and november i could really see him trying. now, however, nothing. its just..habit. and i get nothing but sex and the occasional company out of this now. he never ever ever thinks about me. all he EVER thinks about is himelf. he doesnt think before he speaks he doesnt think before he acts. he isnt worried about my wellbeing. and i mean its kinda like damn if i dont inspire you to be a better person...im not the one. i wanted to marry him from the beginning but...its just not in the cards. i shouldve let em go from the get but i just couldnt. i had to get it out of my system and now it is. and now i do feel less. a lot less. when i was on my way over there and all the time in mississippi i kept talking about how much i love him. when i was with him saturday night i kept thinking to myself i love you i love you i love you and he keeps trying to get me to say it. he knows. but i will not. cause he doesnt nor will he ever love me. ic ant even picture it now all the odds are against us everything is weird nothing flows. and he just...doesnt want to be with me. thats not attractive to me. i mean....he never ever ever makes me feel good or says anything nice to me. everything he says feels like bullshit sometimes i feel like i might as well be his sister. i mean. it just sucks and im really rally tired of it. to the point yes id rather be alone. truly. i couldve been with him tonight if i felt like going out of my way but i chose to be alone. i had offers. i chose this. i dont know who i am or who im supposed to be or what im supposed to do right now. and the only way im going to find out is if i break away from everyone. ESPECIALLY him. i gotta be with myself to get to know myself. and i dont plan on saying anything or giving him my notice or whatever. whats the point. im just going to completely and entirely stop trying. and it will fall apart on its own because for the past 3 months i have been the sole contributor in this relationship. this non relationship. i gave literally EVERYTHING i had to give and....i have absolutely nothing to show for it. not even pictures. its really really really sad. and i want it to be over. i mean...he USED to make me happy. he USED to be my best friend. but now he is absolutely useless to me. in every way possible. if i have to get some fancy toy to satisfy my sexual needs or whatever so be it. and i will be alone every day, every weekend, every holiday, valentines day, my birthday, alone. and you know what FINE honestly cause its all just been a waste. i make bad calls i pick people who arent right for me and i turn people into monsters ad bring out the worst in them and im so tired of it ending in damn tragedy. i really am. its just...im done. i dont want to look at anyone. i dont need reassurance or affirmation. my confidence and my self esteem is fine. yes it will make me very unhappy when he moves on but i cannot do anything about that or this so i am finally ready to give up. im not angry im not sad. im just done. i dont plan on texting him ever. and if he ever wants to see me ill probably just make up an excuse. because i dont want to drive all the way too cypress. i dont want to just hang out at the apartment and never be seen. i dont want to rpetend im not bothered by the whole nature of the relationship trying to give him the perfect environment to bring out his feelings. whatever. theres no wall. theres no issues. just him and his choice because he just doesnt have strong feelings for me. there is no explanation besides that and it feels bad. it hurts to feel so much and know the other person feels nothing and i just want to be okay. right now im not hurting im okay. its going to be a ..just like okay cool definitely not missing out on anything...when he doesnt even tell me happy new year. theres nothing left here. its just a pile of ashes with no sign of life. pretty sure we can both just walk away. theres still that itty bitty (it is miniscule at this point)part of me that says hey maybe yall just need a break maybe in time...but seriously? come on. nothing. you dont magically develop feelings for someone. it definitely doesnt happen over time. you either feel it or you dont and once its gone its gone. this shit is gone. its new years eve and im syarting off the new year just as i should. alone. and at freaking peace. im ready to let go. im not excited about anything. and getting up in the morning is still hard but im confortable. i feel safe. my anxiety is just 100% lower when we dont speak. i dnt trust him. and i never will im done trying. he stopped trying three months ago. now im going to let go of the string and let it drop to the ground cause theres no air in it to keep it afloat. theres just nothing. i am relieved to have come to this place. it feels good to feel less. very good. now i just want to stay away from boys completely. and just...focus on me. theres...things i want to do. im planning my spring break and my year. without anyone to take into consideration. it feels good. and im about to take some melatonin and go to sleep. theres no reason to be awake. and im ok with it. theres no one in this world i have to impress. 2014 is starting off fresh. and I know God is going to bless me with new everything. new and better. and im excited for this next chapter. im FINALLY ready to close this one.

Happy Ending. PEACE FINALLY

I remember praying to God like...Fridayh night liek God please. Ive been doing this so long I know it takes time but could you just take my pain away? I dont want to take months and keep crying and feeling bad please just take it away. and then with the events of Saturday i literally like..I knew I wasnt going to cry over Corey anymore. Friday was a night of him wanting me to come over but i was in kingwood and even if i hadnt been i wouldnt have wanted to see him. and just going back and forth about how we miss eachother and i dont want anyone but him blah blah. then saturday i was like mad but i finally realized it wasnt the lack of commitment that bothered me as much as how he treated me that amde me feel like he didnt respect or value me. and so i told em all the things he did when i was there sunday night and mnday that pissed me off. and he gave me an assholish response so i said something bitchy and it was supposed to be over. but i had anxiety and then i wanted to text em but thought it wouldnt make things any better. but at some point i swear it was just like...idk man. it was like something snapped in my mind i had like this epiphany. that i was the one that needed to change. i NEEDED to worry about me not base my life on a boy. hes not an asshole hes RIGHT. and some of the stuff he said to me in the past didnt hurt my feelings it hurt my ego. but it was true. hes the first person with the balls to tell me about myself and ive always wanted to changed but i never thoughti could get over my need to be loved by a boy. and so itd be easier to just find a boy. but i mean for the first time ..ever that day i wanted to be alone. i WANTED to not be with anybody. didnt want to talk to someone else or try to move on didnt want to get into a relationship with him. just wanted to do me and then i felt thankful. all of a sudden i realized it was a gift. and we talked about it i told em like i was the one who put all the pressure on things trying to turn it into what i thought it should be but i dont really know and it was fine how it was. this whole fairy tale ill find my prince. really? im not like miss buttercup here. my favorite color is black. im not a fucking princess and i dont want to be what do i need a prince for? idc how it happens or when or what i just want to be in love with someone who feels the same for me i like the excite ment and adventure of it all. but this whole time i havent been true to myself. i dont cook or clean for myself why did i feel the need to play susie home maker with him? i made myself out to be what i thought guys want but he only wanted the real me. and buying him all that shit like i just didnt have to do any of the overboard shit i did to try to force it or blackmail him into what i thought i wanted. truth is what i want is what we have i just dont want anyone else to have him and i like to take pics and show him off. thats it. and he FINALLY said soemthing to put me at peace ill put the important part. im never deleting this text: "You're fucking awesome and beautiful and You are your first priority. and I am mine. I love the person you are. That's why i stuck with you this whole time :) lol I'm deeply sorry. Im not an asshole by heart. I chose to be. I was just trying to be real. Im sorry. I do care for you deeply. Fucking deeply." and it goes on to less important parts. thats what i wanted all this time for him to VOCALIZE HIS FEELINGS. the l word was used but it wasnt like I love you so I'm not taking it as that. He loves me in the way that I love him but neither of us has let ourselves be like IN love yet. it may happen it may not but for once im at peace like I realize and hes the reason like I had put off my goals and decided they werent important like lets settle down and have kids soon. THATS NOT ME. theres things i want to do and thats ok! Im young and this is a building period i need to focus on myself for once in my life instead of a damn boy. and i dont have to be sad cause im not going to lose Corey. He wants to be with me too hes just got his mind in the place it needs to be to accomplish what he wants to accomplish and a title is not that important and who cares what people think. this person has changed me for the better i see it now. its not a bad thing. i need to work on myself. but i did tell him yday like did he want to hang out before he went on his cruise and that i did miss him and he was like yes i want to see you before i leave! and i said today would be better for me but he told me his friend was coming home from turkey and he knew theyd all be chillin and he didnt want to neglect me so we said yday or wednesday but i wanted to see him so i went over there last night. it was so worth it. WAY better than i expected and it was honestly like one of THE best nights weve ever had together just because of how he was acting. he fixed all the things i said were bothering me it was like a totally different person the person i love to death. i came in and he like gave me a hug and told me to put my stuff up then i came back and he was all on me. like then turned me around and was all on me again. so sweet like just holding me up against him and looking at me and i was like did you miss me and he was like yes and then hed kiss me and i was like i missed you too and hes like i know and we were just like smooching ya know lol and he showed me some clothes and then we went to his room and were talking. one of my friends that he knows brougth up a threesome to me which he was fascinated by and i was like omg you wanna fuck my friend in front of me then he was like denying it blah blah the whole time i was getting mad for some reason this wa skind of turning me on : / weirdo lol anyway and then i was like what the hell would you do if i wanted a threesome with you and one of your friends and he kept asking me which one and he just was like ok youre just trying to piss me off now and i was loving it cause i never felt like hed care before. but yea idk the whole night was just awesome he was all on me kissin me this and that. we talked about a lot of stuff but nothing negative. then we had sex and of course it was great we were high. hung out with chris for a while. we were up farely late. i think we had sex twice and he was like down for a third time lol then he left and i thought he never came back cause when i woke up at 5am he was on the couch but i didnt wake him up caise he was snoring. then at 6 he came in and like was all on me saying he didnt want me to leave and i needed to call in this and that and im like OMG I WISH I COULD cause i wanted to stay with him sooo bad. and he was kissing me and whatnot and we had sex then he reluctantly let me go but before that he was like yea you can probably come over wednesday lol i was like yea cause this is too short so its like we were on the same page. he wasnt on his phone it was all about me and i felt soooo special and so loved and it was just great. when i left like..i mean the feelins are still there. thats a big part of how i act i just really freaking like the kid hes my favorite thing to do so yea i want to spend a lot of time with him. PAUSE. he just sent me a snapchat saying he just wanted to say whats up because he hadnt responded in a couple hours so hows work? YOU SEE. ADORABLE. that is thoughtful. im actually about to take a nap. so im not going to respond cause i dont feel like turning the light on etc. see. i can do that because its my life and i can do whatever i want :) im still learnin g what i like and dont like and what i want but im going to work on getting a better relationship with myself lmao anyway yea but yea so im going back tomorrow YES. cant wait cause he is just. ugh.i love that kid. and get this! he told me like his dad bought him some slacks and dress shirts his size and hes getting them tailored. and im like wow NOW you have dress clothes and this was after i told sarena i was gunna go with her cause she asked and he was like well i quit my job so im definitely not working that day. and its like he wanted to go with me. and sarena was totally cooll with it! yay! its just crazy to me God really does listen. i mean. I wanted him to go to the wedding with me. didnt think he WOULD. that makes me so happy. thats gunna be really fun for us. im happy. i have everything i want in life honestly. and SO much to look forward to its like i have my zest for life back he really woke me up. Thank you God for this. all this time i was praying hed have an epiphany when i was the one who needed it !

he did respond...but I said no.

I'm done. He's useless. I do still have feelings for him but I don't believe in him anymore and I want the feelings to go away I dont want to continue to have them. I dont want anything to do with him. And i don't want to get unmad at him in a few days and miss him. I don't ever want to miss. him. i saw the little blocked sign and i clicked it and he said okay you can come over if you really want didnt you say you were going to your dads i just didnt want you to come all the way over here for such a short stay and i was like i just wont. theres no point. and he was like ok sorry and i said whatever and he said i dont know why youre mad what do you expect from me and i said "at first, COMMON DECENCY. but now? absolutely nothing. im not mad at you im mad at myself. turns out im the idiot. " and i dont really remember exactly how the rest went it wasnt too long but it ended in "cause i am seriously seriously seriously over this shit." like. no. i didnt want to. at all. and i was happy i ddint want to it was relieving for once to see him for what he really is. and stip fucking filling his head and trying to coax him to be a better person FUCK IT be the asshole that you are. i dont want it anymore. i dont want a bullshit ass relationship that takes all this motherfucking work. i pray i move on first i dont want to see anything from him. ever. like i dont want to know what hes doing or who hes fucking with i dont want to know anything about his life i want to forget we ever met. i hate that in my mind i cant even fucking move on because no one compares to him. but this motherfucker placed no motherfucking value on what we had. to him it was just sex and a good time. and he KNEW the whole time AAGAIN what i wanted i made it very clear THE WHOLE TIME and he was so sweet until i finally started to trust him then the old ways came out and i dont like that person. maybe in the beginning he was faking. maybe the niceness is just fake and the asshole is real. if thats the case then i want nothing todo with him. i dont have anyone to turn to no one can make me feel better im just sad and hurt and fucking pissed off. you fucking asshole. youre a fucking asshole. i hope his night at work sucks. i hope its cold as fuck and i hope he feels like he STOLE that jacket i bought for him. i hope its boring as heck and no one talks to him. and i dont care. i dont care i look at that phone to see if hes saying anything to me and hes not and I DONT CARE. i dont fucking want to talk to you you scum motherfucker damn you for what you have done to me and how much youve hurt me and how you just keep doing it. damn you. seriously. damn you. i cant even look at anyone else. all i see is that theyre not as attractive as him or their body doesnt compare. i mean he really fucked me up. not only can i not get over him i cant even move on i hatethis shit right now i wish i could wake up and this month would have passed because by God I will enter 2014 without any thoughts of this motherfucking asshole. im going to have to remove every reminder of him from every place in my life. that means telling everyone around me that its over and im fine so they wont bring it uip and thank God we dont have any true mutual friends because i wont have to hear about him or know what hes doing im going to unfollow his sister shes not following me anyway his family clearly doesnt want much to do with me. maybe not. in the past when i deleted everything and everybody i regretted it. if he starts posting shit on fb which he never does ill just block his posts not him. i dont want to burn bridges. but basically yea i kinda do. im just so sick of this fucking bullshit. hes fucking retarded like how selfish can you be. really how motherfucking INCONSIDERATE. can you be. its just crazy. and im so sick of it it's not even fucking funny like. it doesn't even matter if im over it he doesnt give a fuck. i just want to be like him and not care. fuck it. im going to my dads. and im returning that motherfucking jacket and getting my damn sixty fucking dollars back. man. Thank you God for not letting it fit. 20 bucks is nothing. i just dont want to be around people cause i know theyre going to ask me about it and i do not want to talk about it. at all. i still have to decide if i want to cancel this christmas party i kinda do. cause if i do i can just go over to my dads for basically the whole weekend and that will at least be something for me to do. fuck/.

Conversation to be had....anxiety

I hate this. if things were good before i feel like we're back at square one now. its wednesday, we were literally like perfect on Sunday. idk. i would love for him to put my heart at rest but he may just break it. i have to be prepared. it just feels like its over. i could be wrong but i guess i need to know for sure. i told him at fucking like 12...can we get together and talk today im off. and hes like.. yea we can. said he was lifting. and i just said let me know. and then its 315 im like plz dont have me stuck in traffic and hes like well im about to go grocery shopping with chris and i leave for work at 7 so it seems like a time crunch honestly. and i just know he wasnt even going to text me. i didnt workout. instead i took a shower, straightened my hair, put clothes and makeup on. this is over isnt it :( a few days and he's just over it. i just wanted to talk to him i shouldve known my anxiety was because i wasnt even going to get it. this is not what i thought ...like how i thought things were going to turn out. at all. i thought by today he would be missing me he always snapchats me when hes at work but as usual he's just fine. i am always the one suffering and i know this isnt right. i know that. i know that he doesnt care about me as much as i deserve someone to and the way he acts and treats me considering all ive put up with is wrong. i know that. but walking away is so fucking hard after ALL OF THIS. i shouldnt have texted him yday but honestly im glad cause we're clearly not meant to be. he's not good for me. he gives me anxiety and makes me cry. and just wont give his heart to me. i told him like i can tell you dont want to talk to me and i wish you wouldve told me before i wasted makeup. and then i go back and he hasnt even texted me back. i told him i just wanted to talk everything out and make sure i was making a wise decision but i guess this is my sign. i thought we wouldve worked things out by now. i give up. have a good night at work. i wont bother you anymore. and i blocked him. just on my phone. if its THAT easy for him to just revert back to old ways and go on with his life. it was fine to have me over there when he had no money and nothing to do no job but now that he's got one hes got no use for me. couldve seen that. i mean hes got a good SIDE. but hes not that great of a person. because it's only when its convenient. and he's hurt this good person a lot. now i dont know what to do. i didnt want to spend december being depressed but whatever. i gotta let go.don t want this to be like chester. sometimes people just dont want you. even though im positive i have everything any guy in the whole wide world could possibly want. he just doesnt want me. and it doesnt even feel right now. my trust is broken again and im tired of being the only one working to keep us...not even together. he never intended to get back together with me. somethings wrong with him and honestly id probably be better off if i just stayed away from him completely. him and anyone that reminds me of him. all these plans i have are annoying me. i probably wont do anything on new years. i dont care if i look like i have no life. its the truth. i dont feel like spending money and stretching myself and doing a bunch of shit i dont want to do just so he MIGHT see me and i mean he doesnt give a fuck if im happy or not it wont bother him. i dont want to think about him im sick of everything i do in my life being about him. he shouldve appreciated what he had but he didnt. cause he never gave anything. im not losing anything but company and a dream i had that was never going to come true and i honestly wish i never met the kid because he hasnt been worth a second of the pain hes caused and he still doesnt feel true remorse. it doesnt matter whether i get over him or not hes still not going to freaking like..care. he wont care if i move on he wont care if good things are happening for me. i cant make him care. the distance will only make him forget me more i mean imagine 3 days and hes over me imagine what a week or a few weeks will do and God I just pray I beg you God if you could speed up the process. Like Joel said you make things happen faster and sooner can you please please please go inside my heart and remove these feelings for Corey. Help me protect myself from further pain I just want to get over him and get on with my life and literally like forget EVERYTHING because it wasnt worth it. it was a waste of my life and im ebarrassed that i let it go as far as it did. i really need to work on myself but God like I really need your help. Im lazy and unmotivated and have lost a lot of confidence and willpower and Im not going to lie right now i feel really really stupid. and just...i want to distance myself as much as i can from the problem but everyday i dont even want to wakeup because I know its just going to be freaking torture and im so tired of it i want it to stop right now. i dont even want to have my phone. i feel like the only way I'll possibly be able to not talk to him is to just leave it at home or turn it off or freaking like destroy it. honestly I might start leaving it at home. when I work at least. now my off days are going to be no fun. im off saturday and sunday. im not looking forward to the christmas party. we're allowed to have one at work i might cancel mine because i didnt know that it would save me money and Im not looking forward to it at all. Im going to be quite honest im not looking forward to anything. now im just alone again. alone in everything alone on new years eve i dont want to be around people no one makes me happy. i cant truly enjoy anything without him. i know its unhealthy i obviously fell in love with an idea in my mind instead of the real thing because the real thing is suuuuuuper immature, wreckless, selfish as crap, lazy, shady, unreliable, unappreciative and rude. the only thing i have to look forward to is the money the challenge might bring but im even starting to doubt that. God can you please bring me at least 20 people and help this challenge be successful. help me go on God. cause i dont want to. so far life seems painful and i appear to be really bad at it. i dont even want to check my phone and see that nothingness. this is what i need a christmas miracle for. my whole life has reviolved around boys and i cant seem to stop. im not happy when i dont have one. i need you to save me God. save me from myself and this horrible pattern ive lived my life in give me love and peace inside to fulfill me so i wont have to constantly constatly offer myself up to boys that dont deserve me i want to have peace and be happy by myself. im so tired of hurting. im so tired of busting my butt for people that dont want me or staying in bad relationships and looking and feeling stupid. im so so sick of it. i need help God and this problem has plagued me allll my life its almost like i was born with it and I really like...its too big I cant help myself I dont even know where to start or what to do everything hurts right now and I know that what I really need is you because youre the only one in this whole world with the power to help me. ill never be okay until then. and im so sorry that ive continued to do this. im sorry i kept trying to make this work im sorry i even went over there when he asked me to that time in the beginning of november i shouldve stuck with the original plan. i really am sorry i know i did this to myself i wouldnt listen i was praying for the wrong thing. i didnt want to admit that i was blind and wrong but i was. i saw what i wanted to see not what was really there. i dont even want to eat now i just want to lay here and cry. you should never go out of your way for someone who makes you feel like this. it doesnt matter that he doesnt want me which shows his character even more...i shouldnt want him. just on the basis that he always makes me cry. and gives me anxiety. and has just never given a fuck about me and only cares about himself and is okay with that. i shouldnt have to build a good man from scratch. he has no faith he has no love he has no morals. he's just not the kind of person i want to be with. but my feelings for him were so strong i just wanted to make it work he made me feel so special i wanted to keep it so bad its just like chester. timing. and a stupid ex. God i know this is his mistake but Im the one that feels horrible and i cant imagine how i will feel better cause I know all that awaits me is loneliness. Can you please God. Send me a miracle if you have any to spare to heal my broken heart and help me grow out of this desperate need to have someone. so i can actually find someone someday. and include in that miracle the willpower to let go of this addiction that has done nothing but hurt me. cut all ties, and just be completely done. never speak of him. never speak TO him. and if theres any way you could help me not to think of him. thats the hardest part God i DREAM of this boy every night. God please help me this has gone on so long I cant even remember what life was like when I was happy and not either having anxiety or depression over this boy. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel and in this case my faith is low but what I have left I give to you. I love you and Im sorry I let this happen again I really am I hate to have to keep coming to you but God please please save me.

Word Vomit

So yea like idk as i was typing that last one i just stopped and suddenly felt compelled to text him YET AGAIN with like basically telling him that i think he should consider getting back with brooke. which would obviously be the worst thing ever but damn maybe he needs to. he cant get over the girl. only enough to be physical with someone else. the only reason he hasnt gone back to her is pride. but anyway. yea then all of a sudden it turned into like...a pep talk but really just about him. nothing to do with us or why we should be together in fact in there i said that i realized now it was impissble. i apologized for whatever i did to make the feelings he had in the beginning go away. and i basically went on to fully divulge like the EXACT way i feel and have always felt about him. i told him sometimes i think i love him but i know i dont because my walls went up at one point and my feelings have been the same since. i told him i want him to know like the real reason why i stuck around and put up with so much wasnt because i was stupid. and i listed all the things he did for me. all the things he does that make him not an asshole because i told him he has a choice. and that he cant be a good man sometimes and sometimes not he has to choose. and that im sure shes turned plenty of nice guys into assholes he doesnt have to be one of em. it was really good. im going to read it again i dont even want to delete it its beautifully written and powerful. i pray he at least reads it. he read the snap chats. idk. idk im hoping somehow my words will touch him but hes pretty numb. ive said stuff like this before what would make all this different? probably because it was 100% from the heart. nothing ever comes out right in person or when im angry but at that moment when i felt a sudden peace and comfort i spilled exactly what was on my heart word for word (lots of words) and it felt amazing and it came out beautifully and i cant imagine WHAT he will say to all that. but i know it wont be what i had hoped for all this time. i get it. i really do. im not the girl for him. and we're not meant to be. i finally got to get everything off my chest and i feel a lot better. it was all good. and i just really really hope he takes it to heart so then at least i can say he'll be a better person because of me like the rest instead of just..nothing. walking away nothing. i told em i hope he finds someone about whom he feels how i do about him and then he;ll see why ive been so persistent. and i told him how he looks is only 10% of what he has to offer and i hope he chooses to surround himself with people who are in it for the other 90%. i mean one thing i can say i know he'll always think of me as a really good person. i know he wishes me well and probably wishes he could feel for me how i feel for him cause it sucks when you dont and you know someone is an amazing catch. he tried. he just cant. and i mean...i surrender. i gotta open myself up for new possibilities and just embrace life without him. ill be saving a lot on gas and have spare time to like..sleep. lol cause i cant think of much else id rather do right now but whatevs. things are going to get better. i know they are. Cause God sees me. he's seen all vie tried to do and he knows my heart was pure and had good intentions. He sees my pain and not only will he heal me but he will bless me in the future and help me not only overcome but prosper from this. snapchatting with kimbo and she just asked me where he was. i dont know. and i may never know anymore. this is the end. and i cant be his friend. i like him too much if im going to get over him i have to pretend he doesnt exist and honestly and little as i want to i think im going to HAVE to seek some form of distraction because like...idk im just going to pray. HARD. cause this is going to be hard to get over. i let myself get in DEEP., anyway im about to wash my face, read my beautiful poetic goodbye again and go to sleep. lol i feel ok for now. december will probably be a month of pain now but honestly im ready to let go this isnt even worth all the damn drama.

Over for the last time. I see it all clearly now.

I really truly thought he'd be bothered by it this time. but when I tried to pray for him to do right by me or like..just make it official i could just barely finish the prayer because I knew what I was praying for was impossible. and now here I am crying my eyes out AGAIN. i cant be on here all night like usual because I have a test and its my final and then im free. but i just..need to vent some more. i CANNOT BELIEVE....that this whole last month he was just...enjoying the moment and literally didnt have any intention of making me his gf. I snap chatted him today. something funny just to break the ice. i shouldnt have but honestly im glad i did because now my bu8bble is busted for the last time and im so happy i finally KNOW the truth and can start accepting it. first off, i saw he opened it and didnt even respond. so i texted him was he upset and he was like im not upset i just didnt know how to respond your snapchat was funny lol i was just busy at the moment....fucking really? BUSY DOING WHAT?! FOR ALL I FUCKING KNOW HE COULD BE WITH SOME FUCKING GIRL RIGHT EHR FUCK NOW THOSE USED CONDOMS COULDVE BEEN USED BY HIM I HAVE NO CLUE. and Ill never know i could never really trust him. hes just.... a fucked up individual. and i mean...it just set me off. honestly. i was so nice about the whole thing but for you not to talk to me for like a full day and more. and not have any intentions too then when i try to fucking talk to you youre basically too busy for ME? NIGGA IM AT WORK. im over here thinking hes hurting hes gunna miss me hell come back when in reality its easy come easy go with him. i will NEVER be the girl he cant live without. for whatever reason i dont need any excuses but he fucking acted like we were together ALL month and now i just feel....stupid AGAIN. like i am the red flag ignoring champion. if he hasnt made me his gf after four months...its not going to happen. who knows maybe its a racial thing. im good enough to fuck and give him head and buy him a jacket when hes cold and come fucking bring him food and be with him when his fucking family and even chris wasnt on a freaking holiday when everyone was with their family including me. he has been a BUM for three weeks living off of everyone with literally nothing attractive going for him. and i was still over there twice a week treating him like harry styles. hes chubby and hes still beautiful to me. i stuck around through everything i cannot believe im this girl again. i mean hes just going on with life NO BIG DEAL I CANT BELIEVE THIS I REALLY CANT LIKE HOW FUCKING BLIND AM I. theres nothing thsat can make this better! it just hurts and i feel horrible. nothing. nothing can help. and i know i go off but fucking A man look at all the motherfucking shit i put up with@!@!!!! LOOK AT THE FUCKING GOOD. all ive ever done was build him up and he just crticizies im never ever good enough who the FUCK does he think he is and i wish to God i didnt think so highly of him I wish he was nothing to me. i went back to my fb to delete the posts ive made today but WHAT DOES IT FUCKING MATTER. this boy does not give a fuck. i gabe him a price and i wasnt worth it to him. im so fucking sick of him talking about his issues my question is WHAT THE FUCK DID BROOKE HAVE THAT I DONT. is my fucking hair not long enough and i not white enough are my eyes not blue enough are my lips too big and i too big? am i too dark? do i care too fucking much is that SO MOTHERFUCKING UNATTRACTIVE. am i too understanding am i too forgiving. all the things youd want in a woman. are you fucking kidding me. God help me. Just help me please cause Im so sick of being hurt Im sick of crying my eyes out im sick of being this person but like im wasting my life recovering and then like covering and hunting like Im not going to change. all i want in this worl is love. i will never be happy with anything until i have a partner to live my life with and im tired of all these fakes. i just want someone to love me unconditionally and give me what my heart desires can you please send me an angel i can keep. please. i cant believe this. i wish i never wrote on that wall God i am so sorry. i have been ignoring everything. i can just forget about month one because he changed and it just...it just sucks. he is not who i thought he was. honestly i feel like he might as well just go back to brooke. cause shes moved on like a couple times and is doing whatever but he still cant let himself be happy. ......................................................................................................................................................................completely randomly i just texted him what started out as me telliong him maybe he should just be with brooke. then it turned into literally a NOVEL of me just telling him basically what has been going through my mind the past 4 months and why i do what i do and how i really feel. i was 100% honest i put it all oput there. i know were done. but for once. i got to get it off my chest and it feels good. thank you Lord for letting me do that. it was like i was in a trance. I just pray he reads it so he can kjust...know the truth and i Pray that like my words have so many times in the past that it will touch him SOMEHOW. maybe thats what the quote was about earlier. it said Gods word could awaken the spiritually day and give life to that which appears dead. maybe God just spoke through me and maybe it will wake Corey up. maybe not to me. but...to life. and now maybe he'll be free and have a new outlook on things. cause i dont think anyone else has ever said the things i said to him. maybe this time he'll truly take it to heart.

Survived Day 1 Feeling Pretty Good

Way better than I have in the past. I actually did not wake up crying. I didnt necessarily want to get up but I wasnt depressed it didnt like hit me that my whole world had just ended. I felt pretty good. I actually went to the gym. Didnt get there when I wanted and didnt stay long but I got a decent workout in and its better than the nothing I been doing! I definitely dont look amazing right now Im probably back up to like 18% bf but I want to get back down to at least 15. My goal is 12 for off season before I start trying to put on muscle but Im going to lift heavy the entire time and just rely on cardio for fat burning so we'll see Im betting I can put on and lose at the same time. Tmrw Im going to shoot for leaving earlier so I can get in a longer workout. Im not eating much cause Im broke. and very very slightly hurt so I mean food is just not a big deal to me right now. Im proud of myself for getting through today. I bet he was expecting to hear from me. I bet he thinks I'll come running back like I always do but I don't need him. He needs me. And I'm not running back to shit. I ended everything friendly and said nothing but nice things about him this time. So I could text em if I wanted to. as a friend which is what we are now. BUT I'm not giving him the satisfaction. I can tell by the fact that he didn't answer me that he isn't 100% sure that that's what he wants. If he just didn't want to be with me and didn't mind us not really having contact he would have just replied like I understand I'm sorry I couldnt give you what you wanted but I'll be happy to keep you in my life as a friend thank you for all youve done blah blah. But he didnt say anything which means he was probably at least slightly upset. I would be. for sure. regardless of how its put or whatever rejection stings. period. and now I'm the dumper. He wouldve texted me today if he wasnt either pissed off or "thinking." I hope that if he is thinking and still decides he's just not ready for a relationship and sees fit to just let me go, that he just wont say anything. it may seem rude but its honestly just courteous. I wont assume he doesnt care. I know he does. or he wouldve texted me back agreeing. I know how he is. He's thinking super hard about what to say. And Im just going to keep praying that when he comes to the conclusion that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me even though i know hes going to hate losing me regardless im not confident it will be enough to make him change his ways and embrace the cuffs. i just pray that if thats the case he keeps it to himself. cause if as the days are going on Im getting stronger starting to forget and make peace with the new situation the last thing im going to want is for him to text me saying oh ive thought long and hard and i didnt know how to say this but i feel like saying nothing would be worse and i dont want you to think i dont care because i do. i really like you and i care about you a lot and i do love being with you but i never wanted a relationship and i still dont im sorry but youre right we just want different things but like i always said i do want you in my life and ill be glad to have you as a friend and ill always be here for you also. REALLY? MAN I KNOW HIM SO WELL NOW THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE HIM. I cannot explain to you in plain english how fucking sick i am of THAT bullshit i dont EVER want to hear it again. but this time i think i nipped that in the bud. he wasnt required to say anything. i just made the decision for him. theres nothing TO say accept what, yes i agree we should be friends/? OR no i do not agree. yes i do give a fuck. its just not like him. pretty sure when brooke broke up with him he didnt fight it he probably just let her go cause he proud as fuck. or maybe he chased her because he does love a chase and he did love her whether he admits it or not. and its just a damn shame shes the reason he has "commitment issues." I mean we got through everything. he showed me all his weaknesses and i accepted him just as he was and just believed in him anyway. i showed him mine and he didnt necessarily like it but he accepted them as well. he told me he just didnt want to worry about someone and he was too focused wouldnt make time for me blah blah. but i mean we ended up seeing eachother regularly like..almost 3 times a week. we saw eachother like 13 times in november. like 4 out of 7 days. each week. the whole us seeing eachother too much never became an issue. last week i saw him tuesday wednesday thursday and then sunday. he started letting me in telling me everything. he was a bum and i didnt give a shit. he was like lazy losing confidence feeling shitty and i was still there. he got really comfortable with me. i would come over and we'd separate to workout. everything worked out perfectly. we were texting all day and snap chatting all the time. chris really likes me. he was liking all my instagram pics. i made a status for him on fb and he liked that. things had gotten really good i THOUGHT we were THIS CLOSE to being together. and i guess i couldve waited but im sick of waiting for him and i think the fact that i have been all this time ive just always said its ok and ive always just accepted what i could get spoiled him and he got comfortable thinking id never truly leave but hes about to see. and i really just wonder what its going to be like for him. he let me get really close to him. he was going to come to my xmas party and the wedding with me. and that was like a month in advance he didnt think of me going anywhere. we were gunna compete together next year. i think this time hes attached too. this time i KNOW he really likes me he told me several times. he just doesnt know what he wants maybe this will wake him up and show him because one thing i do know is that he does not just want to stop talking to me and seeing me. i hope God somehow brings me to memory every change He gets. that he will be confronted with this decision everyday everywhere he goes. I really do think this time he is thinking about me. this time hes not happy. this is NOT what he wanted. maybe he thought he could just be without me and things would be fine. maybe he thought id always be there and he'd never have to worry about it. and maybe this will be his reality check. originally honestly thats why i felt compelled to do this. because I wanted to show him like that I am strong enough to walk away now and Im not going to put up with his shit. Maybe he never missed me because I was never truly gone. He has never ever had to deal with me literally ending things and not changing my mind. If Im right this SHOULD really bother him. He should be hurting at least a little bit right now. idk if hes mad or sad or confused. its really like the ball is in his court though because i didnt just do what i normally do and pep talk him waiting for his response. i didnt fucking feel like it this time i hate waiting around for him. so i did it before he had a chance to since he wanted to act like...like its not a big deal. it was a closed ended statement. he's going to have to either i guess just accept the loss if he really and truly just does not want to be in a relationship with me. or he's going to have to compromise more than he ever has. its in Gods hands now. He knows my heart and He knows Coreys and I just asked him God if there are feelings there make him swallow his fear and just act on them. if he feels how I do its going to be extremely hard for him to just let things go. especially since i was supposed to come over tmrw. the days are going to start passing and he is GOING to notice that he has not heard from me at all. i think he will say something. idk what. if its casual conversation, simply because i did say we'd be friends and that there were no hard feelings, i will have to answer. im just going to be super short and not give him any details about my life anymore. i can remember three separate occasions where he couldve just let me go. and not had to deal with the drama but he wanted to fix things. first time was with the picture. i saw him swallow it. i saw his eagerness to make me happy. then there was when i was literally about to leave cause he said he couldnt give me what i want. i really thought i saw a little bit of moisture in his bottom lashes. i saw the stress and turmoil it caused him like he was not okay. and he said he would try thats the first time hes even thought of the possibility and things changed after that. then with the texting he said he was sorry and he knows what he does. and it got better after that. he was so adorable in the snap chats that really just made me remember why i fell for him. we got really really close. i mean really close. and he's been lazy and he knows it. he said his issue was what it was but could this make him want to change it. which is more important to him ya know? Im curious to see. it will hurt me if he just...says its fine and he cant commit. id rather him just not say it. he doesnt have to i took the pressure off with my statement. i can see him saying so is that it? are we just not going to talk now? and idk what id say to that. i guess ill just say of course we can talk we're still friends. its not like youve been texting me and i ignored you. idk. im not giving anything anymore. the suspense is killing me. hes going to have to cave. and there is a slim to none chance that he will. but it is a chance nonetheless. lately hes been surprising me. ive actually been right, so im wondering what he will do. if he will swallow his pride now more than he ever has enough to tell me that he does want to be with me. that hes sorry. and do what he shouldve done a long time ago. i hope it clocks to him somehow that everything ive said suddenly makes sense. that the distance makes the heart grow fonder on his end and he all of a sudden realizes how much i mean to him. there is like deep, passionate emotion buried in that kids heart. i tried to dig it out and i got close. ive seen glimpses. maybe itll sprout out of the ground if i leave it be idk. im scared that things will just be over that hell be too stupid tor each out to me and fix things. even if he just tells me he needs a little more time that would be fine. even though id prefer right now, to know that we're headed in that direction would make me happy. i still want him to go to the wedding with me. id even let him go to the christmas party. well, idk. but im not going over there tmrw. i dont miss him yet. and im just not ready for that i dont want to have sex. really like anymore out of relationship-lock lol its just not fair to me. he gets everything and i get nothing. i think if i take it all away he will surely notice. cause this time its different this time he has fought just as hard to keep it as i have we have become like attached at the hip. and he thinks like its not a big deal. hell be fine. im just another girl. but maybe im not. only an idiot wouldnt notice the gaping hole that me not being there is going to leave. there this song stay by florida georgia line that i love to death and have been playing. man i wish he felt like that. i wish he would feel the regret and the heartache of really messing up and just wishing that you could fix it. but idk how he feels. im guessing though that hes not happy about this. cause he was happy with the way things were. maybe hell wake up in the middle of the night thinking about me again. maybe hell wake up everyday thinking about me. maybe hell see me everywhere he looks. pretty sure i left my bra over there. maybe he'll see that and be reminded. even the toilet paper is from me. and i know Chris is going to bring it up. he could see me everywhere he looks ive touched so many things in that house. when he sees the greek yogurt and wonders whos it is hell know its mine. my tooth brush my face wipes my contact solution. the jacket i bought him. the shows we watched. songs he knows i like. i posted the video on fb for stay hoping hed listen to it. idk. im hoping for a miracle but im just...preparing myself for the worst. the typical Corey shit. where you just BLOW completely something that is so amazing. for no good reason. like brooke is happy man. shes moved on twice so ive heard. but he wont let himself be and its a shame I pray God can you lift the ice off this mans heart can you heal the damage she left and open up his sweet baby heart to let new love in. Cause that's whats happening here. Im not imagining it this time. Ive felt it Ive seen it in his eyes Ive seen the turmoil can you just melt it all away God. Can you save him like youve saved me from making a terrible mistake. I know he is kind of a bum and has so much growing up to do to even be able to take care of himself and call himself a man and he definitely cant take care of me. But he does when he can God. There is so much sweetness in that heart that he just buries God can you just warm it up and melt off the ice and make him feel what he feels show him how good it can be and that he can be happy. i mean idk....i just dont feel like im wrong here. im the best thing thats ever happened to that boy and if he ever just decided to open up completely and let himself fall for me id be the luckiest girl. but i can also see now how this just may not be meant to be. it just...i mean sometimes you just screw stuff up and throw people away. and you really do let them go. happens all the time especially with guys and their pride. and Im praying you can compel him to swallow his but I dont believe in him like I believe in you. All I believe is that no matter what happens I am going to be okay. Ive done this so many times it wont kill me and this time i stood up I put my foot down and I walked away. I dont think he was expecting to read what he read and I dont know how he took it if it bothered him at all. Did he throw his phone did he just say whatever and watch some tv. did he go into chris room and say bro michelle just broke things off with me. did he type something to say and then delete it. was he mad was he sad was he apathetic. is he confused. i wonder what hes feeling but i dont want to wonder anymore. i wanna know. hes either gotta shit or get off the pot hes got to decide if he wants to just have these issues or confront them and face them. for me. i hope somehow this distance and seeing me fine without him will just make him FINALLY value me and see me as something precious he needs to hold onto. for all i know he could already be moving on. but i doubt it. cause i was there. i felt it when he kissed me. i heard him say it. i know how he feels. we'll see how strong it is. everything i said was positive. i ended it with perfect grace. this is his chance to man the fuck up and finally just like open his heart and put himself on the line and make a sacrifice for me for once. and compromise. for him to finally embrace how he feels and the blessing hes been given. cause its not just...idk i know he feels it too. he acts weird sometimes and he gets too comfortable. but I know he cares. and i know this is going to bother him. i dont know what hes going to do. but id imagine id hear from him by friday. i mean the longest weve ever gone without speaking is 2 days i think on the third day i always say something. he has always thought hed be fine without me. now we'll see. he can talk to all his friends watch tv ffreely workout whenever not have any plans just do whatever he wants. and maybe he'll enjoy the freedom. but its more likely he's going to miss me. wish i was there wish he could talk to me. i know hes going to miss my combing my hands through his hair. looking at me talking to me. i know hes going to miss my kisses. and i am positive with all my heart and soul he will DEFINITELY miss the sex and all the head etc. just generally spending time with me and being close to me and he's never had to face the fact that that might be gone forever like i have. it hurts. i think he let himself get attached this time and i know Karma. I know rejection. hes no exception to the rule hes not superman. idk theres always hope. this time though im being smart. and if its time to let go im ready to do that. and see what else God has in store for me. It just seems WILD to think of me and corey just not speaking. just going on and moving on with our lives. he never saw it like i did cause i guess i always placed so much value on it...he never had to. hes never truly had to miss me. i dont think tis going to be as easy as he always thought. and honestly i hope hes hurting i hope it haunts him and hes miserable and comes crawling back on his knees though that doesnt even sound like him. everything would be worth it if he ever just surrendered to me. everything weve been through would be completely worth it. maybe he didnt truly realize his feelings and this distance will help. idk. that would be so amazing. God has worked wonders with us I believe if He truly wants us together than neither of us will be able to eff it up. but I think this had to happen. I had to revoke his privileges and finally put a price on myself and hes going to either have to pay it or lose me. but he cant have me for free anymore. its got to be an even exchange. and this hasnt been fair. so far ive been so patient and so understanding and always done right by him. its his turn to do right by me. what girl says what they want for christmas is literally you. no one they want STUFF. i just want him. and i dont think anything wouldve changed had this not happened so at least now like instead of giving myself away for free and leaving feeling unfulfilled and unsure everytime, even if he does just let me go, ill be on my way to peace. but i really do pray this breaks the spell he's got on him and wakes him up to see that hes free to be howveer he wants and he doesnt have to have these issues. it really just all depends on how strong his feelings are for me. but we needed a break. he needs to decide what he wants and as long as im still there, he wont. hes never had to. we'll see what he chooses. f

We just want different things

So I ended it today. I don't feel the regret or pain yet. but I'll just have to pray and make myself remember that there was a reason. I was so excited to go over there yesterday but idk he just didnt act the same. still sweet but not as all up on me. its like once i give in he backs off and i hate it. i had to like ask him for attention several times which obviously makes me feel shitty. and he was criticizing my apt as usual. which pissed me off and got me kind of unexcited about my christmas party which if im honest with myself i mainly threw so he could come and i could get pics of us. but there i go doing shit for him again. im still going to have it but i uninvited him. i texted him about it when i left and he like misread the whole thing and sent me a weird response. i shouldve addressed that in my response which i said i wouldnt give. i didnt want to end things. what i really want is for us to be in a relationship and for him to change his fb status but it seems impossible at this point. i couldve sworn we were headed that way i was starting to really believe in this. but today when i brought it up i told him what i wanted for christmas was for us to be actually in a relationship and him to change his fb status. and he was like "ahh..christmas is so soon." and im just like...idk. the jacket reception wasnt what i expected. one doesnt fit im taking it back and getting my money f that. he can keep the other one. idk i was just soooo fed up and unsatisfied when i left that i just cried all the way home and didnt really want to go to work but i hid it well and then it went away towards the end of the day i didnt feel like he would text me today cause i said i needed space but he did. saying like...idk it was really weird compared to what i said he took it the total wrong way. i just thought some distance would help him value me and maybe actually give me what i want. i love being with him i really fucking do and I love him. but like...he shouldve made an honest woman out of me. we spend all this time together we have so much sex and he gets so much head etc its not fair that i cant get a damn title and a fb status. i want him to be proud of me and if hes not like...hes not the one i need to be with. and the jokes are getting so old like i want someone who builds me up not constantly like making fun of me. i hate when he talks about my apt i felt so ballin when i got it. and he jsut makes me feel shitty about it. like shut up dude dont criticise my apt you dont pay for shit thtas what i told him. dont talk shit about my car at least its my car you drive your moms. he bums off everybody and i never even cared. all i ever fucking wanted was him. seriously. and i told him he was like the best bf i ever had. and that i just wanted us to be together again. i mean i know i couldve waited around hiding my feelings til who knows when to see if he might one day want to commit but ive waited so long. 4 months. a bunch of BULLSHIT most of it. and weve been doing amazing building on things for a month now. i just..idk its good i brought it up cause the convo brought me to reality. as much as i love what we have and i know he does too, like...i want what i want and it shouldnt be too much to ask. cause i give so much. EVERYTHING. i was there for him when his faMILY wasnt not even chris not even his sister was really worried about him on thansgiving. i left my family to go make his day better. i put clothes on his back ya know/? brought them toilet paper when they didnt have any. im THE girl. and now the feelings are there on his. part. like if you have commitment issues get over it i told him like its an issue not a handicap. and that his last relationship was fucked up because she was retarded she didnt realize what she had and i do. that he would never have to settle for less and i could change his outlook. but when i was done pep talking i realized i was pep talking and it just brought me to the conclusion. i mean he used the word "force" again. im not forcing anything and im sick of him being blind to whats right in front of his face. i am everything he could ever hope for and way more than he deserves and all i want is him he doesnt even have to do anything. weve been talking more and spending a lot of time together. things are good. but i mean i just dont feel good about everything we do when we're not even in a relationship. if he could stop being selfish for two seconds and realize how much this means to me and that its not worth losing me. but i mean yea i just told em not to stress that we just wanted different things and it wasnt meant to be and i wasnt mad at him. that we could still be friends. and there were no hard feelings. and that he could still hit me up if he ever needed me id still be there for him. with what i mean to be this : <3 but it turns into a face with hearts for eyes in texts -__- boo. but anyway, i definitely didnt wake up feeling like I wanted to end things with Corey today. but I just dont feel like we're on the same page its like when I finally give in he pulls away and it's super annoying. I love that boy. I just want to be done playing games and us be together but I mean I'm not okay with friends with benefits. At some point I have to stand up for myself and either get what I deserve or just politely walk away. and this is me politely walking away. Ive got that peaceful feeling cause i ended it sweetly. But of course my feelings are still there I know I'll suffer a lot before I really let go. But I dont want to run back to him I dont want to text him or anything. im just going to have to get through it. I'll pray. This time I'm praying for Gods will. He knows my heart He knows I want Corey, but not just however I can get em. I want a real legit healthy relationship im not doing this college shit anymore playing games. and as uch as i feel like I;ll always love him and will never get over him, Ive felt that way before I know God will take care of me and make sure Im ok no matter what. I do feel like this time its going to hurt him though. like he will actually miss me. and feel regret. i feel like there is a POSSIBILITY if we dont talk for some days possibly the rest of the week it could really hit him and make him see like what he has. i know this time i have some collateral. idk how much but i know for a fact he doesnt want to be without me. he really really likes me now and cares about me a lot. and most of all he loves being with me and we've spent so much time together at this point im positive he'll notice. it was a routine. i was over there every tuesday. and when wednesday rolls around he will think about it because i was supposed to go over there. i know he'll see something or hear something and think of me and if i dont go over all week i know eventually chris is going to ask him about me and i feel like if he tells the truth Chris will probably put him in his place. But idk. i think after all ive done he could do one thing to make me happy but i dont want it now if he isnt proud of me and doesnt want people to know hes with me then he doesnt need to be with me. at all. im not sad yet i know i will be. probably wont be thrilled to wakeup tmrw but i can get through tmrw just like i did today. this is me standing up for what i believe in and i believe in monogamy still. we'll see. i mean i know this is going to bother him. i know he's probably confused as shit right now. but i dont want to hear like i cant make you happy blah blah he doesnt have to tell me im right or that hes not ready for a relationship cause i already know. i get it. idk why but he just doesnt want it. so...i mean what can you do. man i love being with him so much right now its my main thing to look forward to but its still just...i have standards and im sick of lowering them for him. I know God wont let me die alone and he wont let me pine forever over Corey. all the plans I thought we'd have I guess its just not going to happen. Thank you God because at least for right now I have peace. I don't think he's going to be able to truly let me go. And I know there's still a possibility he may not want to lose me. and finally want to confront his commitment issues that he just now developed. but Im not betting on it. I'll probably have to ask Sandra or Dustyn to go to the wedding with me. I can ask if she'll open that day Im off. She might already open Idk. And I dont want to go to the bachelorette party so Im probably going to text Lindsay and tell her my employee called in sick so I have to work a double and wont be able to leave the woodlands til like 930. but yea anyway i reread his text its just as assholish of a response as it always is and later he says he didnt mean it like that. hes all "idk why i do what i do my commitment/caring issue is the way it is" really? fine. accept it. be fucked up. change for some random girl in the future and give her everything you wouldnt give me. last month was amazin g so i wont regret anything. i was happy to be with him. and we made a lot of fun and funny memories i wont forget. obviously it all means more to me than him as it always has and this will always be an issue. he told me three months ago not to rush things and i gave him all month. i was even willing to wait til christmas but finding out he had no intentions of the sort really irritated me. im sick of giving and not recieving. idk i like to think i left em with something. that i opened him up just a little. that idk. hes somehow better because of me or will be. i cant really think of a way that that would be true. but if i leave now and he loses what we had then maybe that will contribute to the betterment of his character. he is an immature person and probably wont change because he is just used to other people taking care of him. he lives his in best friends apartment rent free. his mom buys his groceries and everything else he even drives her car. he doesnt OWN like anything and he is used to just being given everything. so he wasnt super impressed by me apparently i just fit in which is fine. we're friends on fb. we can be friends in the future if we see eachother we can hug and smile and ya know, be cordial. theres no beef. but apparently we are never ever ever getting back together lmao its not funny. and i know im going to feel like crap tmrw but oh well. ill still hit him up for my special supps so i can get on the level for these competitions. but yea. sad ending. but this is all him. he's the one losing the best thing that ever happened to him cause hes too retarded to open his eyes and see what he has. so i really shouldnt be the one crying. i will say. the kisses now like mostly when we're high. but like the sex is just SO intimate and it's just completely different and much better. it lasts longer and we kiss the whole time and i can tell we're both just like..it's just really good and i think if he even tried to have sex with someone else which i tried to get him to confess today (still not 100% confident he hasn't) but anyway i know he would think of me. he told me he loves my kisses. i know anything he did with anyone else would be strictly physical and hed probably feel like dog shit after. i know hes going to think about me. he might be thinking about me right now. but i didnt really leave him any room to say anything. there's no need. im glad with how it ended and that it was on my terms because now i dont have to get hurt when i hear him say that bs that he always says he wont have to reiterate it to me. im happy that i just was strong enough to walk away from something that just...idk...he just didnt value it the way i did. it just wasnt balanced. im tired of dealing with all his "issues" i been his saving grace and im still a secret. i just...want somebody who knows what they want, wants ME, and thinks the world of me. someone that worships the ground i walk on. i want to be madly in love with someone who is madly in love with me and just...have that. fuck the bullshit seriously. im over it. i love him as a person but i can get over like i have everything else in my life and I have Gods help. He's in the drivers seat. And I trust him so I know Im going in the right direction. This has been a long time coming.

Since then....things are getting better and better 11/30

I PRAY they stay this way. but Im starting to believe we can get through anything. God is definitely on our side and hes working for my heart right now. I couldnt be thankful enough. ok..ill get back to the in between details. right now though....SNAP CHAT. I LOVE SNAP CHAT. its ten times better than texting he sends me adorable pics and ideos and says stuff he never says in texting and i look forward to them every night when were not together and he goes to work it makes me so happy. he just sent me a video cause i told em i had a headache and he was so adorable hes like "You didnt tell me you had a headache im sorry (did an adorable pouty lip here) i do hope you feel better but guess what its almost tmrw! (exclamatory expression)." this morning he sent me one of him cooking breakfast. snapchat has really helped like things were already going great. i didnt know if wed even be using snapchat once i got it but he snapchats me all the time and hes just so sweet now. its really reminded me why i fell for him in the first place his amazing personality. he's so funny. i swear. he has his issues. but dont we all. hes really trying to work through them and hes leaning ON me instead of running from me. he tells me everything now i love it. well we tell each other everything. we have convos about our opinions and like idk sometimes they differ and we just like hear eachother out. he teaches me about steroids and bodybuilding and everything. i think im going to let him get me on some stuff not steroids but some anabolics to help me gain muscle and get rich. of course like we been texting and snap chatting for...like...half an hour now he stops idk why i didnt say anything. its so nice now i can speak my mind and be me as over the top as i may be or whatever im thinking and im always scared but every time he DOES text me back and ive like been suspiscious or like had an issue in the past bc he wasnt and i try to end it before he does and he never wants to. so like idk ever since thanksgiving..the day before i remember thinking things might be over soon. like because of me. he just was getting to be a lazy pothead just totally different from the boy i first met. and it was crazy like it just didnt feel the same. i would still get super excited to go see him but he was just always high and like idk...lazy. and i just was getting tired of it. and i couldnt see it going anywhere which was sad. but i was like im goin gto stick it out while he gets back on his feet. and be there for him like he was for me and more for when he wasnt. but yea like i prayed about it. just asked for God will like I have been this whole month and He has answered EVERY time. Corey has improved So much like...he really is showing me the person I believed he was. Like even though he has been treating me a million times better and making me feel appreciated I still would get anxiety every time he wouldnt text me back thinking that he was going to break things off . and id just walk around with anxiety all the time because like i just felt like he didnt really like me and i was having SO MUCH TROUBLE trusting him. for a lot of reasons. mostly the fb thing. like when i posted the pic he untagged himself i told em i was gunna drop it but that to me was shady. i made him promise me he wasnt hiding me from anyone and he did. but like yea the anxiety persisted. then i just wokeup thanksgiving day without the anxiety. i just felt peace. like finally i could trust him. and like idk he texted me happy thanksgiving which was nice then like i wasnt ewxpecting to talk to him all day but he texted me at 130 saying his dad bailed on him and went to conroe with his new family and his mom was like too drunk. so like i went with my dad and family and got him food and took it over there. he was super appreciative. we only got to see eachother for like 2 hours but we got some good sex in lol and like...i just love being with him. he didnt want to go to work. i didnt think i'd like him working this new job but hes not inside at all its not like he goes and i dont talk to him til he gets off i talk to him the whole time its actually way better than when he doesnt work he snapchats me all night lol but hes gotten a lot better about texting me back too. im pretty sure its just cause his feelings are very strong now. i feel safe like we talk about everything. i mean i was irritated because he gets all the head and sex and handjobs everything he wants and he keeps on with the anal shit but like he doesnt even touch my vagina with his gands ya know. so as weird as it felt i prayed about it and God answered that one too! i didnt know what else to do and I have been turning to him for everything and ive really not been relying on people just him and its been amazing,. so thats what I did I prayed and miraculously it came up in conversation and he was like eager to talk about it and get it out in the open and was so like..idk just problem solvy about it. as i did with anthony running my mouth i made it seem like i didnt like it and thats why he didnt do it. but i told em i did. and he was like would you like me to eat you out i was like maybe. then he said lets start with the hands because hes never "gone down on a black bitch: -__- foreal doe? sometimes the shit that comes out of his mouth is just fucking ridiculous. but yea anyway so on thanksgiving he tried the hand shit the day we talked about it nothig really changed. i still have to keep doing the lube treatments with my applicators. which is ridiculous. but whatever. i might start doing it like nightly. itll be expensive but my shit is just always dry and im sick of it. i have to do it everytime before i go over there. it works though from the time being i just miss the days when i didnt have this issue i mean i never had this issue before garrisen maybe its like because hes all rough about it. which feels good when its all lubed up but you cant feel anything when its not. if he would eat me out though gah i hate saying that i didnt realize what a thing it was bc garrisen did it every time and he always wanted to. it was a nice luxury now that i think about it but yea if he would do that then it would definitely help but i know hes not comfortable with it right now. but idk like it just feels like a real relationship now