Being the wrong one sucks

Well I'm not the ONLY wrong one. Hell maybe I'm wrong for really apologizing. cause what I said wasn't lies. he isn't that great of a person and needs to listen to his conscience a lot more. but I did go off for the wrong reason. like the stuff I said was uncalled for. he was mean first for the most part, but I took it too far. I need to STOP doing that. and just not be mean ever really ok be assertive prove your point but I need to stop going off on people and making them feel like dog shit. I mean. idk. I cancelled the party. and yea I will be okay spending tomorrow by myself. and sunday. but if theres a chance I might not have to...like even I don't want to come out publicly with a relationship. now I realize you shouldn't do that unless its stable. cause it is a commitment. and things need to start going better. we need to like..hang out. get to know eachother. and focus on ourselves not what anyone thinks. like I mean if the feelings are still there ...it depends. I know after everything I said like after he blocked me EVEN ON INSTAGRAM. and when you block someone on an Iphone you don't see anything they say. so I texted him from sandras phone saying I was so sorry and would he please just unblock me on his phone so I could explain myself and apologize. and he texted me almost immediately saying ok. that was about 4 hours ago. and I sent an apology. I sent one when I woke up this morning that I have a feeling he never got cause I was blocked. but yea I just woke up crying rolling around depressed and I was like im going to just have to let this be a mess but honestly like I wasn't happy with how I handled the situation I really wish that like..i could just go back and have been honest. idk how we could recover from this but weve recovered from a lot. im hoping the fact that it is my bday coming up will compel him ...his original plan was to be with me tomorrow so im just hoping he will like..idk. come over tomorrow? I will apologize again to his face and hopefully we can talk things out. if hes tired and doesn't want to do this anymore I understand. this reminds me of me and tyree. we try but we jut don't work well together and with like different kinds of lives..idk.i guess I at least wanted to apologize. walking away as the bad guy sucks I didn't want that I know he texted me because I said im hoping that me being so forgiving and understanding with you in the past can you just like pay it forward this time and I think that's what got em. that's the truth. like if he cant let this go his feelings for me aren't strong. idk. idk why im holding on. I guess that's just what I do. I probably wont hear from him tonight. its most likely I will hear from him tomorrow. we have seen so much bad stuff from eachother. I think...like it would be nice to see some good. im not a total train wreck right now. I just was irritated yday and honestly I am happy to be out of a relationship and not have to worry about what people think. I think we should work on ourseves privately and keep ourselves out of the public so that cant fuck things up and then once were doing good and are stable we can present ourselves. and just act like we made our statuses visibe. I don't want to be in a relationship on facebook when its like this and honestly idk if me and corey will ever be in a relationship. this might be on its last leg. im tired too. and I want things to just...flow..and they don't...and I think we could use some time apart honestly because im judging him a lot lately and he is not looking that good to me. I guess I should just expect to leave work and go workout tomorrow. and be by myself or with my family on my bday. but at least I apologized. if he ever really cared about me he wouldn't be able to stay mad. hes too good at that. and needs to learn to let stuff go. but people don't change over night. not in a good way. I guess I ought to start prepping myself for how things are going to be. tomorrow will be starting over as day 1. idk. I know eventually he will say something. I hoped my sincere apology would...disarm him a little bit. and ive prayed. but I want Gods will and I just think all this drama couldn't possibly be his will. its like I cant help but eff things up. idk. I feel like hes sick of me and im kind of sick of him too. maybe we do need time apart. maybe even permanently. sigh. but today got better because of Sandra. thank you God for her. I do feel a lot better. I wish I hadn't told Jen about it. I don't want to like wear my heart on my sleeves anymore and my life isn't what people think it is. it isn't what it looks like. its what it actually is. and ive been living through pictures and appearances for so long. telling everyone my story. but relationships are meant to be a personal thing im not a celebrity. I can have a private life. and if I want to be professional I need to keep my private life private. unless its serious. if things do ..like if he decides he wants to try. which I have a feeling he wont. but we have to take it very slow. and just...I have to take the pressure completely off and know I cant rely on him but im ok by myself and as time goes on we can get to know eachother and start to tell eachother more. but its dating. its not a relationship. its deciding if you want one. and even if we do want one I think we should be in one for a little while before we decide to put it out there. like literally I think we should hang out for a while by ourselves and get to know eachother and build the relationship between us, keeping other people out of it. then maybe just tell close friends if they ask. and like...if I want to be pursued just let him pursue me. plan to be alone unless he initiates. and then like meet eachothers familys and see how that goes and if that goes well THEN change facebook statuses and add pics and stuff. talk about what we want and don't want and how we want things to be and focus on communication and leaving everyone else out of it because thinking about what other people think is what kills it. now that I see how freaking horrible things can turn out. I will be more cautious. I had to learnt hese things. I cant just get away with being impulsive and deal with the consequences later. im praying somehow good can come from this. but it might just have to be left a mess and like..i move on ya know?

post-breakdown rationality

watching a disney movie on Netflix. so. yea. the last thing I said to him when i saw that he blocked me (which really hurt) was something like YOU block ME? fucking jackass. thats fine you can act like you're mad at me like this is my fault but everything I said was true. Eventually youre going to have to stop blaming everyone else and face yourself. now you have a permanent enemy gosh youre good at making those but it must be all of us couldn't possibly be your black soul. go ahead and tell everyone how horrible i am but remember if you keep down the road youre on youll eventually lose them too. not completely over it but I am very relieved because I just prayed and confessed honestly the big mess I've made and turned it over to God. I just told him there are a lot of things ive made a mess of and that are stressing me majorly. number one being my broken heart that is still not healed from corey and the fact that im in love with such a horrible person. I pray that somehow he gets through to him like he did to me but right now I need help. second being school. I cant focus and im very behind and im terrified that im not going to pass. third being that I really want to compete. for me and I want to do well but I cant afford to do the things I want to do without the challenge. its a great program and I know my calling is to help people and there are people who need to hear my message but I cant reach them and asked him to please bring them to me. all I need is 15 people. im doing what I can i'm looking for a new assistant via craigslist and I will start promoting again on Monday. Then I will also have before and afters for people which always helps. God please put your blessing on me and help me with this. I cancelled the party. I just need this time to heal and I don't want to be surrounded by couples putting on a show. I need to heal, do schoolwork, and not talk to anyone for a while. I just need my space. I have tonight and tomorrow off so Im watching a movie. tomorrow I plan on getting a long back workout in and just...not talk to anyone. I have no deadlines until Saturday so lots of time to finish my work. I really wish things didn't end the way they did but I know honestly this is for the best. sometimes that's what it takes and some bridges need to be burned. I don't think I can be okay until he is out of my life and his memory no longer lingers. I don't want anyone who makes me feel not good enough I don't need that negativity. I know one day someone established and successful and beautiful inside and out is going to take one look at me and decide he has to have me. I want to be pursued. til then im going to do whatever I can to be able to do the things that make me happy. depending on how the challenge goes I really would like to have a photoshoot. a freaking sexy one. but I gotta get in great shape though. nothing makes me feel better than being extremely successful and super hot. none of my exes can look back and show their friends me and their friends not tell them theyre an idiot. I will make it impossible for him not to regret this. I know im a wonderful person and the best he could ever hope to get. the next time he sees me im going to be in amazing shape with a body to die for. perfect skin. long pretty hair and just doing freaking awesome and im never going to stop. school sucks my life is a nightmare for me right now but im going to keep praying and just take social pressure off myself. honestly, and remove ALL negative ass people from my life. I know the things I said are eventually hes going to be like ugh she was right. now I know for sure I wont see him this weekend and he wont tell me happy bday. cause hes playing the victim and I may have overreacted but what he did after valentines day was wrong and he has done nothing to help me trust him. I had anxiety because he was being weird and he just wouldn't accept the damn request. I shouldn't have done it. I didn't know it was going to be so huge. i just wanted to see if he had changed and he hasn't and being with himf eels wrong after all hes done and what little remorse hes shown. i thought when hetold me he went to church he was going to be saying like...idk that he was trying to work on his faith. my next bf needs to be a positive Christian man. and not so jacked up i want him to know who he is and me not have to "fix" him. but yea like hes just fucking scum morally. like the way he was talking about his stepmom im convinced every relationship in his life that's jacked up is that way because hes a giant piece of flaming shit. hes like yea i played that shit really well cause i knew kissing a little ass would help me out. REALLY? ridiculous. hes going to die alone if he doesn't change. i don't want to see him ever again except him watchin me win. that's it. other than that like...great. you blocked me. youre a piece of shit i never should've unblocked you. God sees what you do he hears what you say and how you treat people. he owes me and chris an apology to be honest but out of everyone in this world hes done wrong it is MOSTLY ME. and i mean idk how he sleeps i hope he feels like shit and i know he will but it wont matter he better stay the fuck away from me. when the anger melts away my words will still haunt them cause theyre true and he can talk shit but what he says wont be true and i don't care what his nobody never leave cypress lets stay in highschool sheisty ass friends think. i don't need to make friends or impress any of these Houston ass nobody ass people. when i go pro they'll wanna be my friend. i am going to do big things this year and build my following and how everyone what im made of. i have something to prove to myself and him and i think this is a big step in a positive direction getting rid of the thing that's been holding me back. without him i will stabilize and be a lot better. more confident and just at peace. i hate his job i hate his friends i hate his mindset i hate how he acts like he doesn't know wht a relationship is supposed to be like hes like fucking tyree. and he was SO mad at me but he realized i was right. they all do. but there is no hope for him. i want better. i want to be pursued. by someone who has their shit together and can add to my life instead of take from it. who thinks im amazing and will fight for me and take care of me when im sick and bend over backwards to make me happy and i will do the same. and ill post it everywhere cause hell let me and hell do it too and we will be a power couple. instead of this ghetto bullshit he deserves whatever reggie ass girl he ends up with. me, i know im going to be okay. this is just the final step and it hurts the thing he said and that he ended it this way but he doesn thave that much on me honestly. theres always holes in his story. and people who don't like me areweird. all he ever did was make me sad and anxious and miserable and im glad i don't have to deal with that fucking bullshit anymore. today and tomorrow are going to be all about me.

So Ive basically been "in love" with the devil

Hes just a fucking bad person. I should've gone with my feeling and not given him a chance that night cause he is just the worlds biggest dick. his response was well maybe if you weren't always 100 mph and always wanting more youd be more chill and happy. idk what else to say goodnight. so I went off. told him he ruined my bday. that this was not my fault and that no matter how attractive he may get he cant hide his ugly heart and no fake ass church attendance can save him but at least he got free car maintanence. yes that's what I said. I said fuck you youre a bad person you use people and youre MEAN to people who don't deserve it and you don't deserve anything you have. and i told him he breaks everything he touches. and he took the time to decline my relationship request now. well idk if that's the case I did delete it first but I didn't think it would ..anyway. so basically my bday weekend is ruined. I was getting better but now im back at square one. feeling like a MOTHERFUCKING IDIOT. I need to stay away from boys and everyone because apparently all I know how to do is fuck shit up. I try to seem confident but in reality I don't understand people I usually feel like an outcast and im socially awkward which fucking sucks. ii am praying so hard right now because like I am just so like unhappy with myself and my life. I wakeup everyday wishing I could go back to sleep cause I know all that awaits me is work and school and I hate both. the best part of my day is sleep but I also hate when the day ends because I know anoher one is going to start. im depressed and miserable. I cannot believe he would kick me while im down. he is just the biggest piece of shit. literally hes gotten worse like throughout the encounter we'll call it, he has just shown me more and more how morally piss poor he is. his soul is black. the boy feels no obligation to do the right thing ever or anything for anyone else hes basically a narcissist. and im just like...im disgusted by him and I hate the part of me that still want shim to come to my bday. now I have a massive group of couples I get to spend my bday putting on a show pretending im happy for. but im miserable and it wont stop. it just keeps getting worse. it was better I should've deleted that text. not because it was bad cause it wasn't but because it brought about all this, when you fuck up the way he did you come back crawling on your knees. if youre a decent person but he really truly isn't. the boy is going to lose everything. or hell he probably wont pieces of shit seem to be ok in life. the only way hes going to change is if he gets injured. and even then it would have to just...it would take a while for him to stiop pitying himself. I personally like...I have nothing but negative feelings associated with him now. he never makes me happy. the thought of him gives me anxiety ive never had anyone rob me blind like he did and feel no remorse. he responded but I deleted it cause im not letting him say anything else mean to me. he is literally going to get to skip my bday. his answer was bullshit so I told him I was going to take it down and blah blah. basically how I felt about him bullshitting and he blamed it on me I was like so much for not bashing nice to know how you really feel about me. I know hes mad now so it probably wont even sink in but I hope my words hurt cause they were all true and he NEEDS A MOTHERFUCKING WAKEUP CALL. what a fucking piece of damn shit. seriously. but its all good cause I hate everything about his life. I hate his morals. I hate his thought processes. I hate his influences. I haven't even met his family and I don't like them or his friends because of how he acted they already don't like me. I hate everyone he hangs around I have no interest in going to Houston shows or like mingling with these little cool cliques until ater I go pro because they don't respect you without a title and I don't need to kiss anyones ass these people cant do anything for me. I don't wat naything to do with anyone In cypress all these wishy washy motherfuckers and that stupid gym. tomorrow is Friday. my fucking party is Saturday now I have to ...I cannot believe this I want to cancel the fucking party. it sounded like fun but honestly like now it just doesn't. im so fucking mad id rather just go home after work. and vefore I was okay with girls night. seriously. everything he touches he breaks he hasn't even seen me. when he was down and out with problems he brought on himself I took time out of my stressful life and took a massive risk to be there for him and I paid for it then here he has a second chance HE SAID HE WANTED and hes a fucking dick. just fucking...I fucked up. and he fucked up. all we do in eachothers even virtual presence is fuck up. idk why I didn't see this. just like Anthony. not meant to be. its to the point anytime we get near eachother or try its going to be misery that ensues so its time to just fucking stop. like...seriously though. I don't want to do the challenge im not getting any people I don't fucking know what to do. and I NEED THAT MONEY TO COMPETE. I want to get off fb and instagram completely for a fucking month but yea without the challenge I cant cmpete. im so miserable. this is like rock bottom God please help me I need things to start looking up. I hate myself for this. and I just hate everything right now. please please please I need some positive reinforcement in my life God I need you real bad. im so srry to complain im trying so hard but everything is hard and horrible and unmootivating and I hate every second I just want it all to stop. and its so much. I want to feel better but now this like.....I shouldn't have read it. I would've been over it it wouldvebeen girls night. im so mad at so many people now I want these negative people out of my mental space. him and dustyn these are not friends. he blocked me :(.........how dare he. God when does it end.

could things just work out for once with us?

theres just a list of reasons why this isn't going to work. and like...im so sick of having to feel SO insecure and go against everything I honesty just want him to hurry up and say something, I still wasn't able to focus this week I want him to hurry up and tell me something. and like lets get it over with i'll take it down if I need to. im worried about a lot of shit I don't need to add to this im ready to go back to my life being relaxed :( but heres the list

his friends don't seem to like me

I don't fit in with the little cypress circles

his family hasn't met me and im TERRIFIED to meet them now

his sister seems like a bitch

he lives far

I love him and he doesn't love me

hes young and immature

hes broken my heart so many times I don't trust him

he doesn't really want a relationship

our lives don't mesh

this is SO FUCKING HARD

why. why is it so damn hard. because he doesn't want it. he said he wanted to give in but hes not I can tell hes not happy im not happy THERE IS SO MUCH that goes on in his life that im not involved in. hes got a big ass family. a gazillion friends. everyone is in the loop but me. this isn't good for me. I feel like...I just shouldn't have said anything. FUCK. I cant be happy no matter what God please help me I am so sorry I just...I don't know what im doing all u ever do is eff stuff up and I just im so frustrated. I have stuff to do but ill do it tomorrow. honesty I just want to lay down. ill eat lay down and get up later and workout cause im not going up there right now. God please whether its by ending it or buy mending it do something and help me out of this mess please God. I just want peace. whatever the verdict is everything in the whole wide world is saying we just don't beleong together and im just about ready to listen to it honestly. its been a long time coming I think im ready to let go I don't even think id cry cause I cant feel anything but anxiety right now. im not happy IM STRESSED THE FLIP OUT AND THIS ISNT HELPING. I NEED TO FREAKIGN RELAX AND I CANT PLEASE HELP ME IM SORRY ALL I DO IS MESS UP.

An attempt at a conversation about the awkwardness

We'll see what he says. I told him how I felt. that I pressured him etc. he said I did but I knew that and that he did like me its just a weird feeling. I was so fed up but after I said it before he responded I did think like I would like to make it work. I don't want to take it down. it may be difficult but this has been the guy of my dreams. if somehow by some miracle we could both give in wed both be happier than we ever have been but I want us BOTH to be happy. if hes not than im not. but yea like..so...I mean idk. I just said like I told em why I did it. that I just didn't want to be the backdoor chick anymore and I felt that if I didn't say what I wanted id never get it. and then I just said could I get a pass and could he just do it for me because I was patient and sweet with him and give it a true chance like he said he would and I would too. that wed never BOTH given it a real chance. and the awkwardness should go away as we get to know eacother more and get closer. and that if we just cant stand eachother we can breakup. that it was worth a shot and if he was willing to do it for me it would show me a lot and should show him a lot too. and that we didn't have much to lose but eachother. then I said "fuck. no pressure? im just a pushy bitch aren't I? I don't try to be. its just my beautiful command of the English language is so convincing. its not my fault im so talented : / " idk maybe we should try. and see what happens so we can get it out of our system. at least that. or it might work out. its going to be difficult and the whole situation ,makes me feel super weird but that tends to get better with time. not everyone has a relationship with someone they've known forever and its immediately thrust into acceptance. I do want us both to be comfortable. and if we're not then like...its not worth it. im willing to go back to being single. we don't even have to talk. ill hide it on fb and we can act like nothing happened. Id rather not do that. cause I do think its worth a shot I just don't want to always be the one to do everything. and I want us to feel free and be able to grow. I mean..idk. its up to him. please God let him be honest.

day 8- i feel like i should be happy but im not?

So....definitely liking Corey less and less as time goes on. Maybe its cause I haven't seen him. but like.. idk...so okay long story short I guess for the most part I got what I wanted? doesn't feel like it. but I tried to break it off and just let his ass go and he said he didn't believe I was done and wanted to give it a chance could I help him and I said I could tell you what to do but you wont do it and he said try me and I said in the most creative and awesome sarcastic way ever that we need to be in a relationship and he said did I think that was rushing and to be real I should've said yes but I said hed been getting to know me for six months and blah blah. I also said we weren't having sex outside of a relationship anymore and that I should've kept my legs shut from the beginning so he would respect me more and make an honest woman out of me. and like.. anyway long story short surprisingly he said okay. in a longer text but whatever so he added me back and I sent em the request but didn't know It was going to be huge on both of our timelines and like yea.. he still hasn't said yes. keeps saying hes going to but honestly. I really thought id be happier. im not. its awkward as hell to be honest I feel no romantic connection whatsoever like I feel like we wont make it through the week! and hes supposed to come to my bday party but idk. I just don't know. I wonder what its gunna be like. and It just feels weird. I had a dream I met his sister and was getting ready to meet his mom then I wokeup. but yea like...I JUST DONT KNOW. like..it feels weird as hell. I know in highschool it was always weird when you got into a relationship. like presenting yourself to the public, seeing what they say. his mom nor his sister or any of HIS friends mostly only mutual friends have liked it. it just doesn't feel good whatsoever. anxiety is back. conversations are awkward. I constantly feel like hes not going to do it like he doesn't want to be with me. I feel like his family and friends don't like me and they have no reason to but that he just doesn't that much, not to mention I told him I love him a gazillion times and of course he didn't say it back but I guess were just acting like it didn't happen? I guess hes not repulsed by the idea. I just hate this phase. like I don't even feel right calling him my boyfriend is it going to even last. I definitely don't feel love right now. idk when we talked the other night I was SO fed up. idk if I can get back to where I was cause im still fed up I don't trust him. and im just super skeptical about all this. but at least im not in pain and I don't feel vulnerable. this always happens when you merge worlds from two different circles. there are people who will be happy about it and people that wont but I mean these people don't know me. im awesome. and a very good person if they don't like me something is wrong with them. theres a lot of places it could go from here. I thought we would like be closer..but it doesn't feel like it. I think we just need to spend time together I guess. but honestly im like...I just want a conclusion. id rather him just accept it. I don't want to have to haggle him about it. but whatever. like..idk. we will see. I just feel super awkward and anxious about it and we're not that close and idk if we're gong to be. now im TERRIFIED to meet his family. I don't really want to. I DO feel like we rushed into this. and it was all me. all I knew was he wanted to see me and I didn't like want him touching me and getting all these benefits without making an honest woman out of me. but I still don't trust him and im not freaking going to until he says yes. and I don't want to have to keep reminding him. honestly. idk. its so weird. maybe we weren't ever meant to be in a relationship or together at all maybe it was a fling. maybe our lives wont mesh. like...idk. maybe its just new and uncomfortable but I definitely don't feel like I have a boyfriend at all I feel very strange.it feels forced. idk. we haven't seen eachother in 2 weeks and its been horrible since vday and now were in a relationship. and im also worrying a lot about what people think. which I shouldn't be. but also what he thinks. like... idk. I feel like he doesn't really know me and I don't really know him what if we get to know eachother and don't like eachother. already today like he said he needed a new tire etc and his stepmom found em for him for 500 and her dad and her are going to pay for them and he was like I played that shit really well like on sunday he felt like he should go to church with his stepmom so he did and was like im psychic! I was like no that's called instinct..blah blah idk. why is he so faithless. I just see him different. I guess I wanted him to prove to me he was proud of me and was committed but that's not how I feel whatsoever im almost ready for this to be over and just like never speak of it again that's how uncomfortable I feel. cause I mean...its just still pending. idk. I guess ill just back off ...a LOT...and let him try to get close to me because I do not feel close to him its just too awkward and I really think its because of him but idk if this is gunna go away. it used to mean so much to me and I really thought like this would be the happiest day but its really not. I still don't feel like he wants it I think that's the main thing like he just did It to shut me up. im scared to go places with him because of his friends and I feel like I don't fit in or he doesn't want me there. he hasn't been being super nice since this happened hell idk. just weirdness. I don't trust him. and obviously that doesn't make for a good relationship. definitely off to a bumpy start.

day 6- I dont know whats happening

Things SEEM to be looking up. didn't study for my test decided to guess. then when I get there my friend sends me a pic of what I think were the answers. hope they were right. but yea after that I didn't have my clicker so I left. ad decided not to go to physics either. hes a bad teacher :( but anyway yea so I went to the gym had a fantastic leg workout AND did 40 minutes of cardio. BOO YAH. last night corey said he wanted to pick the convo back up today cause yday was his first day of work and he was up at 430 to do cardio. he hadn't said anything so I texted him today. idk I don't trust him. but I have said I love him at least 4 times. he wont say it back. but now hes asking me when im off and when my bday is and what r my plans. idk whats going on but im going to just....idk. act like I never said it? no. I cant. I don't want to go back to how we were. back to that ghetto shit where no one knows about me and I cant post pics of him im over that. I do love him but I was already out the door I deserve 100% and that's what I want if hes just doing this for my bday and wont actually give in and is going to like run from me like last time I just wont like..idk. ive already hurt so much whats a little more. im finally starting to move forward I don't want to backtrack. I made it through my hardest week without him so I can go forward. I don't want half ass anymore. I guess ill copy the convo from last night and tonight for my records LOL anyway.

his response to my bashing was

him: you make me feel horrible. I hate reading your texts because I know itsjust gunna make me feel like shit. like really really bad. and this isn't what I wanted in the first place! to hurt you I mean. that's the last thing I wanted to do and now I like sitting here with a guilty conscience not knowing what is right and what is wrong. I really don't know what to do. I just felt weak being with you and the only thing I knew to do was run. and hide and do what ive always done cause that's the thing I know what to do. im not this dick. I don't know what or who or what the fuck has happened to me to act this way. I can only blame myself. I have tried everything possible to sabotage this relationship. all the excuses possible. the more you care the more I run. FOR SOME REASON IT MAKES ME FEEL SHITTY WHEN YOU SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU CARE ABOUT ME AND TELL ME ALL THE GREAT THINGS YOU THINK ABOUT ME (not yelling just expressing) I guess I just cant fathom a person caring about me so much. its like I don't feel like youre right about me. I just don't feel like im where I need to be in something like this. I wanna be art the top michelle. I really wanna be that guy. and im not saying it in a macho badass way. I just don't wanna be old news. im afraid of that. afraid to lose again and afraid to fuck up ad get off track and don'tdo what I feel like im "destined" to do. I think. and over think. I guess past experiences (obviously) and shit that I see (my friends and their relationships) really just turns me off the idea, cause I always see this crazy emotion that ive bee involved in and I see the heartache, the struggle, the pain, losing focus, bullshit and im afraid to let that sink in. I never quite gave in with you and I know you deserved that. I was always holding onto something, some excuse. idk. I see your passion and it just makes me think about all these things. do you understand me at all? am I fucking crazy? I really don't know. and another thing. why on earth do you put up with this? after everything ive done. I hope this wasn't a response you didn't want I don't wanna make you sad. I do miss you and wish we got to see eachother this past weekend. kinda shitty. I hope youre ok. I know youre ok. youre strong. very. oh and persistent. damn persistent. idk how or why you do it. I know im rambling now im sorry.

me:

I almost deleted that cause I was so scared of what youd say. I cant help it Corey you know why I'm here. I love you. I know it sounds serious and im sorry if it makes me unattractive to you but I cant change it I cant hide it I dont want to. Everything in me. My heart my soul. My BONES love you. Every single thing about you even if it sucks. I knew that first night you came over there was something about you that just.. something in me couldnt live without. From then on. And im just not the person that gives up on things. Just like you cant give up on bodybuilding. Giving up on you feels like death. I miss you so fucking much. I had no idea this week would be so hard. And I know I shouldn't talk to you. But I just can't help it. I don't care if you're the shittiest person in the world. I don't want to be with anyone else. And I just can't make myself believe that you're not so much more than what you're doing. I know you hold back. And I guess I just thought if I stayed around and gave you enough good you would forget the bad that you've seen and trust me and let yourself just let go and give in. Ive never seen anyone fight so hard against something that made them happy. But I cant be shitty to you. I can't not be there when you need me. And I can't hold back anymore. I can't not tell you the good things that I see in you. I can't not tell you how i feel about you. I don't want to it feels like shit. If I have to let you go I will I have been trying. But I just. .. I feel like half a person when I can't even talk to you. I literally feel like there is a hole in my heart and im wasting my life doing this. All I can say honestly is you just... follow your heart. You have your WHOLE LIFE to do this and I am SO GOOD at everything youre not good at and the same with you. Thats the thing with destiny. Its MEANT TO BE. You don't have to force it. And yoy shouldn't fight it either. That's the beauty of this sport. You work hard. You juice up.  You keep at it and you just. .. You'll get there. But it takes people so long. .. the ones that get to the top you know what they are? PERSISTANT. But they don't do it alone. This isn't that kind of sport and you are not that kind of person. You can do this while still enjoying your life and appreciating what you have whole yoy strive to do better. You can. If you stay true and be a good person and just work hard, you can get there. That's the beauty of bodybuilding. Hard work pays off. People respect that and they can see it but they also respect a good person. And you just cannot keep doing this. You have to stop. if you would just try it I think you would see.. . You would feel free. And you'd feel a lot less pressure and be a lot less ..idk feel like theres a deadline cause there's not. And you have much more on your side than you think. But being this asshole this heartbreaker this like...selfish person. .. this is not your destiny and you have to stop. You know its not right. Just... give in. To LIFE. You wont ever get this time back. You do shows you win you go pro. Takes years. Enjoy the ride. And like...idk do what you want I can't control you. I don't want to. I want you to be free. and happy and at peace. Not this person.  And I wish. With all my heart. If I had 3 wishes I would use them all to wish that you would just stop fighting whatever you're fighting, let the past GO and embrace the life you have now and the good things that make you happy that aren't hard cause some shit isn't meant to be.. like me. But wishing hasn't gotten me anywhere. Neither has prayer but I keep doing it. And I will continue. Cause I know whats right. And I know that everything is going to turn out fine. Even if it takes time. I can be patient. I wont change idc if its hard. Cause living with hope and faith and believing the best just feels better. And im okay with that. You really should try it. Feels amazing compared to holding back. And I know you can. You can tell yourself this lie but you haven't convinced me. I still believe that you. You can be so much better.  Ps that shittiness I make you feel is because you know its the truth. That's your CONSCIENCE and it will never go away. You should listen to it.  And tto answer that question im not okay. Im far from okay. Im trying SO hard but im drowning without you. I really needed you this past week. And you just. Wouldnt even speak to me. Except to tell me we would never work out and your mind was made up and you wouldn't let me convince you. But your mind isnt made up is it? Funny how it never is when it comes to me. Wonder why that is. and that's when he asked if we could continue today and then today he hasn't answered me so I sent him its not over by chris daughtry and then I said "by the way babe, don't feel bad I already know what youre going to say. I know you cant help but break my heart again and ill be okay. I guess I shouldn't put words in your mouth I just don't want to get my hopes up and be surprised like I was last time cause that hurt severely. I woke up crying almost everyday this week and went to bed doing the same. im really just tired. I have fought long and hard for you but theres nothing else I can do to get you to open up. so if youre ready to let me go then I will let you. and I will just try to make the best of it. I cant have another week like last week. just gotta be positive. I do still want you and what to be with you. youre what I wanted for Christmas and youre what I want for my bday. but I have gotten used to not getting what I want. what REALLY hurts is that deep down I know its what you want too but I mean I gotta let you do what you feel is best. and just try to be a big girl about it. I do miss you. so much. I just miss your face I want to hug you and kiss you and everything be okay. but ill be alright. someday. anyway go ahead and say what you were going to say. just know I forgive you for everything you've done. I know you didn't mean to. I know everything I say just pushes you away but I cant hold back like you do it feels shitty. and I know you don't love me but I do love you and I truly want you to be happy. I just wish we could both be happy and were not..but mybe if im gone you will be. doesn't feel like the case but whatever you want I will just go with it. persistence hasn't gotten me anywhere so ill stop. (then I sent him its gunna be me lmao hilarious) when he responded he said lmao and that I was hilarious and asked me when I was off. then he asked me when my bday was exactly. then he asked me what my plans were. then we were talking about kung fu. then I finally just said "why r u asking me all these details stop beating around the bush. "I meancause im over it. I told you I loved you. I put my fucking heart on the line as usual. you left me to die last week like..we cant just go back to acting like nothing happened. we have to talk about whats happened. and like idk im at the point where im not just fine with what we had. being the secret non gf. and I wouldn't rather have that than nothing id rather have nothing. it sucks. but today and yday I realized like how amazing I am and how ridiculous it is to keep people who make me miserable close to me. I want a happy positive life that I enjoy. I love him I do but I love myself and I love being happy and I do not love crying and being sad and having anxiety. I want a stable, healthy relationship that adds to my life and doesn't take from my spirit. I don't want to just...be unhappy just to have him in my life. were not friends on fb were not friends on IG we didn't talk all last week and its because of him. like I want him to say he was wrong and he regrets it and hes sorry. like that he wants to be with me and wants to open up. like if im not your gf why would we spend time together after 6 months im basically his ex and you shouldn't be pretending to be in a relationship with your ex. either we are in a relationship and we are together and a team and want to make this work or were nothing. I don't need anymore friends. especially not friends like that. and I definitely don't need him like to come over here just for my bday like he did on vday and us act all romantic and have sex and do everything couples do and get my heart feeling like this is going to work ad then just go back to this side shit like I cant do it. we have to take it to the next level we cant start over he has had enough time to think about it. its all or nothing and I deserve all. I mean we can work on everything and compromise and make things work for both of us. but im not going to keep sleeping with someone im not in a relationship with that wont claim me and im not spending any time with him like there is a decision to be made. he hasn't said anything idk if I pissed him off whatever he was beating around the bush. I know he doesn't love me yet. im fully aware of that. but if you cant see yourself falling for someone and you wont let yourself why would you bother at all ya know? I don't want to be done with him. but I need something reliable and stable that my heart can trust im too old for off and on. I want a real relationship or nothing. and I know he doesn't want a relationship so why bullshit like there is heartbreak waiting why not just do it now officially and be done. I hate this. it is stupid. but im not going to act like I don't know its stupid and allow it to go on like its okay. if he doesn't like me enough to make me his girlfriend and do what boyfriends do I don't want anything to do with him. and I know its going to hurt me. everything fucking hurts me and im sick of hurting but this will go away, I have GOT to stand up for myself and stop accepting bullshit or its all im ever going to get. and I deserve SO MUCH MORE. its bullshit that brooke got the best of him and i have to pay for that shit. i love him but it doesn't seem to make a fucking difference. im not going to let myself get all happy im already preparing myself for the end. because like its not worth it this is NOT how it should be but HE is the issue. and you don't change over night. and im not waiting anymore. ive done enough. im ready for the goodbye. i have no fucking choice.

I Read it....SHOCKED

So...I will eventually come copy word for word what he said. bust basically...it wasn't mean at all. and honestly. no other guy in the world would've responded to all my bashing in such a way. his heart is so sweet. I want it so bad. he basically said he hates reading my texts because I make him feel so shitty. and he was sitting there with a guilty conscience because he doesn't know whats right and he doesn't know what to do. and that he nevr wanted to hurt me. just when hes with me he feels weak and he wants to get to the top and hes scared of losing and with what hes seen with his friends relationships and his in the past and the crazy emotions hes felt he just doesn't want to get distracted and get off track and lose and be old news. that he sees my passion and its crazy like hes never had someone care so much and it scares him because he doesn't believe what he sees in me and hes nothing person he doesn't know what hes become and hes tried everything to sabotage this relationship and im still here and he doesn't understand why. and that its like the more I show him I care the more he runs and hides he jus didn't know what else to do.  he said he never truly gave into me and he knows i deserved him to. he was like I do miss you and I wish we would've gotten to see eachother this past weekend. and he hopes im okay and that he knows I am cause im strong and so persistent. idk I told em. I said it again I said I was here because I love em. went back into the same shit that I always believed. and now idk whats gunna happen. but I might get to see him this weekend after all. it would have to be like sunday though cause unless he wants to come to karaoke im not cancelling my plans. idk...idk. I told the truth I spoke my heart. all I can say is it takes a very humble, good person to respond the way he did. I wouldn't have. idk. idk what to think. I wont say anything else. ill just wait. I know eventually by the end of this week though apparently not tonight he will say something. im sick of him running from me but I do love him so very much and I still want to be with him. if he would give into me it would be the best thing..just ever. but idk. ill go back to my life of trying to forget but I cant act like I don't have hope now. God just....idk. I need you . Just...do what you do. I don't want to ask you for anything. whatever is meant to be whatever you want. but I love him so much. If its in your will God, warm his heart and free him to give in. I really think that's the only thing that will truly set us both free and make us both so happy. if we make eachother weak oh well we can be strong..i will keep praying. its in your hands. help me keep my mouth shut I said enough.

Day5 - Better. But of course I HAD to say something

I am SO predictable its not even funny. Anyway, so....yea I gave em a piece of my mind. its hard to even type now. cause he wrote back at 9 (pretty much like..10 hours later but I didn't expect him to at all soooo anyway I haven't read it and I don't plan to I know I need to just delete it). but yea I mean I told him how much I was struggling and how I wish I could just feel nothing like him. and that I hadn't talked to anyone about it and just needed to vent. then I went into the things he was right about. how I did want a real relationship not that ghetto shit where he tells all his friends im just a friend and im not the behind the scenes chick that does everything for him and is always there but no one knows about. and that it killed me to have seen all the things he did for brooke and told her he loved her and I know that he wouldn't for me because he basically didn't feel the same and that was the issue the whole time. but that I wouldn't be able to forget. that I was just so surprised the same thing could happen twice and I shouldn't have answered him when he texted me about chris because he wouldn't have been there for me had the shoe been on the other foot. and I basically told him it was morally wrong to use people during the season and cut him off during the off season. that it was fcus because focus means having distractions and not letting them get to you and it wasn't being strong because being strong means overcoming obstacles not avoiding them and he blamed the way he was on cris and the apartment but now that he was out he hasn't changed. that if he lost all hisf riends besides his mom it would be a problem. that family should come before bodybuilding for sure. and people that love him. that the obvious thing to do would be to let me meet his mom and then I would come see him but I do think its jacked up that he wont make the drive. that he thinks the world should revolve around him so he can do the same thing everyday and wont do anything that's inconvenient. and that he could reach his goals the normal way with hard work and time not throwing away his youth cause he couldn't get it back. and and that he needs more patience and faith. and that sam mcguffie is a joke and he needs to be talking to someone way more relevant to his situation. that I was living in a dream world thinking we were meant to be and that he was somehow this beautiful persn but I don't know about that. because the way he was going about things was wrong and that hed probably be pissed at me for saying it but someone has to tell him the truth and no one probably ever will cause theyre too busy telling him how amazing he is and how successful hes going to be. but he doesn't appreciate what he has and that he doesn't NEED to do anything. idk I just kind of said everything I been thinking. just told em that he may not like it but I wast lying. and that he could say something mean to me to ruin my day but it wouldn't matter. and that last yr on his bday I pictured us spending the holidays together. that we would be there for eachother I definitely didn't picture us going into the season without eachother. and that I definitely didn't think six months later on my bday I would be spending it without him and that we wouldn't even be speaking. and that I couldn't wait until the time when I didn't hate every day because this would be the last time I did something like this. I said I know im not perfect I was weak and brought a lot of this on myself but I was only ever good for you and only wanted what was best for you sometimes above myself which was also a mistake. idk. I said everything, I didn't do it so he would respond. I didn't think he would though if he did I didn't intend to read it. but it actually mademe feel better. because like...all the things I wrote were true and made me realize again the person im really dealing with. not thinking of the good times or how much I miss him. like the real person that he is and how much stuff would need to change for me to even speak to him. it just made me realize that the issues go beyond this and it is a good thing it is over because I don't want to be with someone like that. and just made me see like this is happening. this is over and my life is going to go on. like im happy I don't have to deal with his life cause its a clusterfuck I don't get it and I don't want it. I don't like anyone around him his whole situation makes me feel uncomfortable and the way he treated me and handled everything was wrong. the whole time. I do not ever want to not be in a relationship with someone again. I want to be courted and pursued for once. I want someone to want me. that I want as well. and I want a normal healthy relationship no more bullshit no more anything that makes me feel shitty at all. if I can get through this I can get through anything. I know I shouldn't read that text message. if he said the things I said...mannn...I would go the fuck off. so I know it isn't good. I know itll probably ruin my night make me cry and want to go to sleep. like. I need to study for my test I never wakeup early to do it the next day. ever.
but yea..i know hes probably just going to go in on me and make me feel like dirt. go off and say some SUPER mean shit. make me feel even dumber. or defencd himself like im being judgemental. tell me hes going to stomp all over everyone and make it to the top. PSH. but yea. or like to stop bashing him and leave him alone. I guess its curiosity that makes me want to read it. I really should just delete it. part of me wants to read it just to like face it and have reinforcement of how horrible he is so I can be even more adamant about letting him go. I know how evil he can be. like he was to chris. I still cant believe he snitched on him. so I know hes just going to lash out. and tell me like he knows what hes doing blah blah. I had anxiety in the car real quick before I knew I got it I felt my stomach drop just talking about him to God out loud. so like..i mean I feel it now. idk what to do. if I should delete it. if there was anything worth reading or anything good which is an IMPOSSIBLE response to what I said. like... he would just say something else within the coming days. fuck. idk what to do. I know its not good.

day 4-WAY better than yesterday, starting to recover

Im mostly writing today so I wont have to recap tomorrow I wont have time. I have a test on Tuesday I haven't touched the material for. so like a genius instead of doing that now, actually I think I will when im done writing this. anyway. so yea. today was much much better. did NOT do cardio. chose to have weird half asleep dreams instead. had one about corey. I was riding in a car with his brother cause I didn't know it was his brother and when we got back to his house he was like you look like a hoe bag! and I could tell he was mad. jen was in it. I woke up with a horrible feeling and was happy that I really didn't do this. I remember what it was like to be guilty. to feel like you ruined a good thing. and just wish you could go back in time to erase it. this time and for the past couple times my slate has been completely clean. there are things I would do different but I never did anything WRONG he can never say I hurt him. hes never shed a tear or seen an ounce of pain because of me. so im happy about that. anyway wow that was a weird tangent. yea sooo long day at work but it was fine. I am going to go out for my bday I think. just the girls. my real friends. not necessarily my pretty friends but Erica and jen and konrad at least I know ill have fun and get to sing karaoke. hopefully by this weekend I wont be thinking about him. it was a lot less yday. last night the girl I befriended on instagrams parents wrote that she was in the mental hospital recovering from a suicide attempt and she wanted them to tag me. that touched me and made me realize oh my GOSH I am mean tfor so much more its crazy. I am a gazillion times the person corey is and worth a gazillion of anything he has or ever will have and a gzillion more than how he treated me. I now see that this is a good thing. im being set free. even if it hurts now. the pain will end and joy will reenter and ill have full peace never thinking about him. all he does is hurt me. and theres no point. the only way me and him could ever work is if he loved me too which he doesn't so I really just have to move forward and UNlove him. I mean...yea. I get it. I see now ya know. it hurts and I wish I didn't but I don't have any delusions. there is a possibility as always that this situation could bring him around. that it may bring out feelings he didn't know were there and perhaps he did love me and might say so. BUT I realize the most likely thing in the world is that this will be the end to a bad chapter in my life im actually glad is over. I told aeric. telling him I loved him is whats going to keep him away. and one day I will me someone wonderful and amazing with a big heart like mine that will make all of this worth it. I do miss him. obviously its only been four days I do still love him. very much. but...he did this. he WANTED THIS. I told him I loved him. and he couldn't say the same. so my best bet in life is to stay as far from him as possible for as long as possible and one day ill feel like an idiot for ever caring that he existed. honestly like I don't want the things I used to. if he asked me to meet his family now it wouldn't mean as much it wouldn't mean anything it wouldn't feel right. I don't want to meet his sister she seems like a bitch and areeb I mean yea no. I don't like any of his friends the only one I liked was chris. and he screwed us both. and like.. yea. I don't want to be in the stupid cypress circle that's not me. I just want to do my own thing I don't care what those people think. seriously. cause theyre wrong about him. he doesn't want to think so. but he really is a bad person. hes selfish beyond belief and just...a fucking mess to be honest. im not happy yet. im still highly bothered by loving someone who doesn't love me. it feels like SHIT. but..i made it. I made it through day 4 its officially a new record. and last week was hell but tomorrow is Monday its a new week and a new opportunity for me to start fresh. and everyday that goes by I hope to get further from him and though I cant PICTURE this lasting and us actually being done I know it can happen. and I know that even though it seems impossible there will come a day when I don't think about him at all and he'll mean nothing to me and im so excited for that day. I have sucha  great life I want to be able to enjoy it without this dark cloud looming. it hurts me. terribly. every single day. and the fact that he hasn't checked on me. hasn't pologized. doesn't even care. or regretwat he did. shows a lot about his character. which is turning out to be the absolute worst thing about him. :( Lord help me but thank you for what you've already done. Im okay. I didn't think the voice would ever shut up but the doubter is winning. the believer is almost completely silent. and Im so excited for when theres just peace. and he is no longer a stain on my memory.

Day 3- Still Really Hard, but Much Better

Didn't want to wakeup. But I did. I wasn't like majorly depessed though I didn't necessarily feel like going to work I didn't feel horrible. Goal was really just to get through the day. I mean..all i remmeber thinking when i got up caise like last night i didnt get to sleep til probably 1. because i was itching everywhere and typing etc. but yea all i remember thinking was wow there is no way this boy loves me how could i ever think that. and I mean it was relieving to lose the hope. I just felt a lot more like...collected and like i could see clearer. Got up pretty much on time though and left the house fairly early to get taco cabana. the day itself wasn't bad Sandra came to visit me I told her the basic jist with Corey. I couldn't help it. talked about my bday decided I didn't want to go out. im just so sick of people. got some more stuff for my brain and for stress. kava was really the only thing that helped. finally..by like 4..cause like by then I was ready to scream. I just really could use a vacay right now and obviously I don't get one. the door stopper fell off the wall. thor is playing with it and it sounds like a continuous fart. lol anyway. the kava calmed me down and I could think clearly. I only cried like a LITTLE bit today. in the bathroom. but I got a lot of work done. once my stress got better I could focus. I have to like handle this stress and manage it. I did go workout after work I was feeling a lot better as the day went on. I just only worked out for like 30 minutes and didn't do cardio. I did back. gotta do arms tomorrow. I did pretty high volume. didn't burn as many calories as yday but not horrible. at this point it still hurts. a lot. but im not wishing anymore. not praying for God to fix it or make him talk to me. I realize he wasn't good for me and things were not meant to be and weren't ever going to work out. he tried to tell me but he wasn't strong enough to really be adamant about it in the beginning or we wouldn't be where we are. and he definitely shouldn't have come back even if he was having issues with chris. not surprising that he would do something so selfish. but whatever. and I mean..yea if I hadn't said I loved him and had just let him go the first time eventually he most likely would've come back. though ill never know. now..he wont. theres no way. that boy doesn't love me. idk why. but it just wasn't there for him or we wouldn't be where we are. when you love someone you run TO them not from them. I had flashes of HER and her instagram where she put that he said he loved her. like..i KNOW how he can be. and that's what kept me here. what could've been. but he just was never like that with me he was never affectionate or sweet or giving or caring. very very rarely and I held onto those moments but they were way too rare. I made it too easy and he took advantage to be honest. no a good person wouldn't have done that but you cant let people get away with murder like I did with him. its ridiculous but I cant take it back and I at least know its cause I really liked him. but I gotta get to the point I will never like anyone enough to do myself wrong and settle for the bare minimum. I mean. we weren't in a real relationship. he wouldn't change his fb status I was never going to get over tat. he just never was serious he never wanted to be with me and I just shouldn't have even dealt with that. in the beginning when he gave me that bullshit I should've walked away right then. oh well. cant take it back now. and when I tried to walk away he wouldn't let me. so im not completely to blame. I mean the thing that's really stressing me right now is him. its having all this to do while losing what makes me happy and being heart broken. I need him right now. desperately but hes nowhere to be found. he doesn't check on me he dosnt worry about me. I wake up thinking about him I pray for him and I go to sleep thinking about him. he wakes up thinking about himself. goes to sleep thinking about himself and doesn't pray for anything ever. he doesn't pray. hes just not a good person. hes very underdeveloped in his humanity. how do you even be that narcissistic. but whatever. I mean I can see now that this is for the best I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much. all I know is I was there when he was stressed and crying. and I listened and had his back. but me, I had to hide my pain so asnot to burden him. he is so high maintenance. and just..spoiled. like a girl. its ridiculous. I don't want to be a part of it. I just want to not be so sad and hurt. everyday is so hard for me and so easy for him and I know in the future and even now im ten times what he is in every way and my future is way brighter than his. I never cared. but the thing is he didn't either. with me there was nothing to put up with. he caused all my drama. I was low maintenance and sweet and giving and he ate it up and spit me out like I was gross. no decent hguy would be unattracted to someone like me. at all. even highschool kids. hes worse than highschool kids. and im over it. he doesn't value people. he only values stuff and fame and aesthetics on his own body and hes doing unhealthy shit just to look good. he was willing to sacrifice me to be "successful" using sam mcguffy for an example what a joke. seriously hes lucky I didn't say that. but anyway yea..everyday things get a little more clear. doesn't hurt any less though. which sucks I know I have to be patient. but im giving up on him. I don't expect anything from him. im not going out on Saturday getting alld ressed up for no one. just to post pics he cant see. and pretend to have fun while im surrounded by un single people. I cant and I don't want to. its my bday. I want to be fucking alone to be honest. I mean if were 100% real I hve been alone the majority of these past 6 months. he hasn't earned anything. in his life. besides his body. especially not me.a nd it burns my biscuits that he just gets to keep living that life. that he even has friends. that HE gets to leave me and feel like ew she loves me shes too serious run. and like seriously feel good about himself at all. while im here suffering. feeling crappy. im embarrassed and ashamed especially that I told him I loved him I never wanted to say it first but you know what. I did what I knew I had to do to bring about the outcome I needed not what I wanted. I WANTED him back but in my heart I knew it was impossible and not meant to be. so I told him what I had to tell him to keep him away from me which is whats best for me to get over him and be happy. at least this is the lump sum. there is no more pain when this ends. at the end of the month..march 20th, without any contact I will be okay. I will start to reemerge into the world of the living. ill be 10 days away from prep. ill be almost 12 weeks out from my show. ill be paying for kim and Tanya (suit.) ill be halfway done with the semester. itll be a 100% better time. he caught me at a bad time. its sad he didn't get to see me at my best but to be honest if he cant deal with me at a bad time he doesn't deserve me at a good time. he doesn't deserve me at all. and my pride and ego is hurt that he walks away with everything and me nothing but at least at the end I let him go. and no matter how much I could use what we never had right now, how much easier it was last week when I had him to laugh with and look forward to, it doesn't matter cause that's the past and I will NOT turn back this time. I wont tell him I don't hate him. I wont talk to him at all. he may have gotten EVERYTHING from me. but he wont get anything else. I don't know anything that's going on in his life and he doesn't know anything that's going on in mine bbut I wont show one ounce of discomfort im going to fake it til I make it. and I cannot WAIT til the day I am through this and over him nd can see the sun and the possibilities in life again. til im excited. but this time honestly I have to build myself up so strong that no guy will ever be able to do this again and my prayer to God was I said I wont ask for anything else regarding Corey but for you to get me through this. and help ease my pain and comfort me. but PLEASE let this be my last heartbreak let this be my last trial and tribulation the next guy im involved with I want it to be my soulmate the man im going to marry. I want the guy God wants for me because I know he will eb a dream come true. I want to stop this im done growing and learning the hard way I don't even want to date I don't need anyone around not even for fun. im ready to be serious. and I want someone who is serious about me I don't ever want to hold back again. it was horrible whispering in my head I love you a thousand times when he kissed me and never being able to say it. I don't want to play those games I don't wan tto be involved with anyone that gives ,me anxiety. I don't want to waste my time ever again. I want a partner for life or I want nothing. and I know he heard and will answer that prayer. so when im done with this there will be clearer skies. it feels horrible. I feel naked. like everyone sees me and knows what an idiot I was. I feel like I got robbed. by a friend. im confused and lost but I do accept and realize the reality now. that I never would've left and it HAD to end so he left me. and it is a gift from God he rescued me from something that was ruining my life and the only pain now is caused by me resisting that/ I cant help it. I need more time. I will get there though. I have hope for myself and my life. I just have to be really kind and sweet to myself to heal me back to fighting shape and honestly just stay to myself after that. my standards are high now I know definitely what I DONT want and I don't want to even talk to anyone..until im 100% strong and loving myself and just don't need them. im not there yet. I need to forget him. I want a clean slate. I want it to literally be like he doesn't exist. I know I have to tell everyone at work the truth so they can stop bringing him up. I just...don't want to yet. we're not getting back together.ever. honestly we never were together. I let myself be his secret for 6 months im over it. and he wont come back. but so what if he did. today I wished someone would contact him and have him surprise me at my bday but I know surprises don't happen for me im impossible to surprise cause I think too much. and like he wouldn't do anything for me ever. this is just going to be over. I wont see him. and like supposed he did tell me happy bday. that would upset me. no matter what he said it wouldn't be enough. it would be like starting over mentally. and if he doesn't say anything that's going to hurt my feelings too but itll probably be best. I kind of wanted him to like just text me and say can I take you out for your bday and me say no thank you. but what good would anything do. there is no good. there is no consolation no reconciliation no nothing. its done. hopefully the worst is over and I can honestly pretend it never happened. eventually ill probably take down the pics. not to that point yet. I still keep checking my phone for the block symbol. but this will be only the second time ever ive ever made it through day 3 so it definitely is an accomplishment. tomorrow will be the real test I will be busy though. right now I just need to keep to myself and ill come out when I feel like. I have no one to impress it doesn't really matter. tomorrow is the start of a new week though. im getting up in the mornings to do cardio. that's a habit I want to build. the season is ever approaching and its time to get serious. I have my chocolat bars so I can have my daily cheat. and cheat meals will come on sundays. well..no I can do Saturdays since tomorrow will be clean. every other day goal is just to eat exactly according to my diet. added a big salad to take up space. and get cardio in its time to start leaning out I have like 5 weeks to get t 12 percent I looked in the mirror today and I have a lot of bodyfat in unsightly places. I have good musclemass and conditioning will come with time but I need to start leaning out for real. anyway. yea. I really just have to choose to not stress and relax as much as possible. and be alone as much as possible cause constantly being surrounded by people is driving me insane in the membrane. God thnk you for being there for me. hopefully tomorrow will be even better than today.

Day 2 part 2 FUCKING HORRIBLE DAY

Omg. today was just ridiculous. I cried SO MUCH. I just broke down. I mean I was okay like...but I couldn't focus. took the doxiderol. complete waste. I really need to not have so much on my plate right now im bombing everything. im pretty positive I failed my physics test today. guess on pretty much everything. this settles it though. I HAVE to go to class. I wont study on my own. I cant teach myself. no matter how much I hate it I just have to go. it will make my fucking life so much easier. im so behind right now this first part is pretty much unsalvageable. but I can still save my grades if I change right fucking now. I went to school somewhat early so id have time to study and I left my debit card so I couldn't get a calculator and had to have Sandra meet me at target. tried to study but bris music was so fucking loud I just went to the bathroom and cried. to tell the truth im fucking miserable right now I hate how life is right now I am exhausted. I constantly have some obligatory task to do and I don't care about any of it. school has been torturing me for years and I still have nothing to show. and much hard work ahead to finish. work is just enough to get by. the hours are killing me. training is the only thing I enjoy. but I just fucking always have some shit to do and its horrible. my bday is next week almost everyone I invited has plans or is going to be out of town even garrison so its pretty much just going to be people from work. fuck it that's fine. those are pretty much the only ppl I ever hang out with any fucking way. im overwhelmed. and I don't tell anyone. everyone still thinks me and corey are together cause I don't have the heart to tell them the truth and I still don't want to believe it. and I mean I had good friends that helped a lot today but I didn't even workout. I chose to cry instead. im miserable. I need him right now and he bailed on me and I really don't understand the purpose of all this. like why did he ever come back. I want to think hes miserable too. I want him to have anxiety when im upset. and have trouble waking up. and sleeping. and think about me constantly but chances are hes fine and ill never know anyway. im so fucking mad at him right now but more than anything im crushed. ad I feel alone and helpless and like I really don't deserve this and im sick of it I just cant find a reason. why he would end things after a perfect night. like he truly is theabsolute most selfish person I have ever met in my life. and he wont get better. everyone around him is in love with him telling him how awesome he is and feeding the monster waiting on him hand and foot. why would he ever need me. his life is perfect he has no responsibility his whole life revolves around him and his convenience and he keeps feeding those bad habits. he never has a struggle to adapt to he just finds a way to avoid it. he says hes strog but hes not hes weak and inflexible. and you know what. it doesn't matter. im fucked. regardless. because I love this motherfucker. I didn't know if I was capable of true love but I am. theres nothing he can do. all I remember is the amazing times. and its gotten so much deeper now I don't even think about the sex. or the kissing like I used to, I miss the conversations. we had gotten so much closer. I miss his company. he held my hand. he let me take pics. he was so sweet and caring and concerned about ME all night. he had me completely fooled I never thought in a million years he would do this again. and I still cant believe it, I want him to come back. because I deserve that. I deserve a full on chase. I deserve tears. but I mean. short of those three words theres nothing I can do for him. like if he comes back saying hey. or he wants to be friends? no. that's not good enough. telling me happy bday and he hopes I have a good one. not good enough. even telling me he misses me isn't good enough. these are onviously signs and if he says ANYTHING to me after me telling him 1) that I loved him and 2) that I hated him then obviously that means something. means theres a huge possibility he loves me too because if you know someone lovesyou and you don't love them that will push you away pretty much permanently. so this will either be the end or the beginning. but like. I cant be different. I don't want to. I want to be me and be accepted. if im proper or pretty at the time ok. if im ghetto ok. my dad is black there is black in me. period. like im not hiding it and trying to act like I have all white friends. like if im too black oh well. my hair is curly. im not going to straighten it anymore unless im going out. which is like never. at night I wear my glasses and my tube socks and my face mask im not always hot. I want to feel pretty even when im ugly. I want to listen to what I want. and hang out with who I want. I want my bad days to matter. and when im hurt I want it to bother him. I want to affect him. I WANT to be his weakness and know he will not be okay without me and I want him to stop being a hard ass and act like he doesn't care. I want him to know yea maybe he doesn't deserve me but want to try his best too. I cant care less. I cant love with half my heart when I love I love hard 100% I don't want to hold back it feels like shit. I don't ever want to not be able to say I love him. I want to say it everyday. everytime before we go to sleep. anytime he doesn't feel good I want to be able to say babe I love you. and I want to hear him say it. everyday. I want to know that I have his heart and not have to worry anymore. I want to be his and him to be mine and just let my heart love freely. I want to be there for him and him be there for me. I want to know everything about him good and bad and the same for me to him and have him not care. I want him to be proud of me and introduce me as his girlfriend. I want to meet his freaking family and friends and have them be nice to me because they know who I am and what I mean to him. I cant be the behind the scenes chick anymore. because its not good enough for me to be there when he needs me but not get any privileges or included on anything in his life. if he goes somewhere I wanna be invited. I wanna be welcome wherever he is. I want to rely on him. I want to just be in love and stop hiding. stop acting like its not a big deal like we'll be okay with or without eachother because I don't fucking think we will. yea maybe we can make it work. we can be strong. try to focus on other things and get through the day. let our goals drive us but all we'll be doing is distracting ourselves. because we make eachother happy. and if he loves me there will be a hole in his heart too and maybe this is what we need. maybe this is the only way. to know if we are meant to be and if he loves me he will know by my absence and he will have to tell me. and the God honest truth regardless of whether I feel like there is no hope in the world and am miserable every single day if he doesn't love me and never will then I don't want him. why would I? after all this trouble if I get nothing and my investments have disappeared...theres no point. like as time goes on ill be okay but I don't want to ettle anymore. I don't care if it hurts. this hurts. this makes me want to jump off a damn cliff. so telling him no when hes not giving me anything worth saying yes for cant be worse. I want him to shed tears. I want to hear those three words or I want to hear nothing. and it will hurt my feelings. over and over. but eventually ill be immune. a week from now on my bday when he doesn't say anything to me no matter how fun the night is I will cry myself to sleep because i'll know its truly over. he knows when my bday is now. if he knowingly lets it pass after all I did for his...yea, no. the best birthday present I could ever get. he wouldn't have to say he was sorry. he wouldn't have to excuse himself. I don't need a paragraph. just one text. saying I love you too. would make me have tears of joy and honestly make life bearable again. make It worth it. make all my faith and time and relentless belief and all the heartbreak worth it because his heart is worth every heart ive ever been given combined. I earned it. I know. its a one in a million chance and I wish I didn't believe. the only positive in this is that eventually...I will stop believing. eventually. its sad cause I know how long I can hold things out. I know how strong my faith can be even with no evidence. so I know this is going to be a long hard road. and I will keep checking for that block symbol. one thing I don't want God just spare me this. please. I do not want a text saying he thought long and hard BUT. I don't want to hear him say AGAIN that he doesn't love me and cant ever give me what I want. and that he is standing by his decision. the silence will say that. I want this pain to get better with time im already planning to cry myself to sleep on my bday night. it was hard to tell Sandra he wouldn't be going out with us because he had to work. when I know it isn't true. and it will have been two weeks and that is the longest weve ever gone without seeing eachother in the past. but this is it. I know it. he wont come through. I don't want him to come to my bday. and like pretend for another night I don't need that. I remember. I remember him showing all the signs when he couldn't help it. I remember him kissing me and then smiling. I remember him stopping in the middle of sex just to kiss me. and I KNOW that the WAY he kisses me matters. it doesn't matter how attracted you are to a person. it doesn't matter. you don't feel their soul when you have sex with them. you don't make love to them you don't passionately kiss them. given the last couple times as far as the sex goes was like super sexual and not as romantic but it felt better and like we haven't had the luxury of the height of the bed in months. he wouldn't have come all the way out here. he wouldn't have insisted on being with me on vday. he wouldn't keep coming back to me even when im crazy. like... I didn't imagine EVERYTHING. hes not the exception to the rule. but im not taking it back im sure he expects me to but im not. if he wants me hes going to have to fight for me like I did for him because that's what I deserve. for him to need me and let me be important and place me high. to value me and need me and show vulurability and be willing to do what It takes to make it work bc he cant live without me. that's the only love worth having in my opinion. crazy, make bad decisions, be my weakness and my strength, cant live without it love. I believed that we were soulmates. and ive seen so many things that make me think that. I cant lie. I do think this will be the deciding moment. the reason I know I love him, the reason I know there's a hole in my heart without him is because ive felt the pain of loss. he has left me mentally and physically and the doubt is what created the passion. and made me realize how I felt. he has never had to deal with my absence I hav always been there. im not garrison. hes not Langston. it wasn't just a month. he didn't use me. it wasn't lust. and he didn't just fake having feelings for me this whole time. I mean. I know what I want. and he doesn't. this will make him see. im sure he'll be fine for a while. but there is no way he will be okay for four months without talking to me. he just doesn't know how he feels and this will show him. if he doesn't love me he will feel free. and a weight will be lifted off his back. he'll be more selfish than ever. and that is 99% likely. but there is a 1%  chance the separation is the only thing that has been missing. the only thing that will allow him to see that I had a place in his heart because you can literally FEEL the emptiness. I feel the space in my day. everytime something unfortunate happens I wish I could talk to him. everytime something good happens I want to tell him. Its hard to get the thoughts of the future out of my head. its hard to make it through the day honestly. life seems dark and bleak and hopeless. and I feel alone. I feel like half a person. and if he does love me and we are meant to be... this breakdown will be our breakthrough and the ashes of what we had will be clear ground for the building of a future together. Id still marry him. id still fight for him. but I cant. I cant fight one more day. I wont. im tired. its ineffective. I want apology. I want remorse. I want him to be more than bothered. I want him to be hurt. tonight I wished and I imagined him just showing up at my door and me opening it and him saying he was so sorry. and grabbing my face and kissing me and telling me to my face that he loved me. I can see it. I can see him texting me saying can we talk. in person. and me being like whats in it for me. and him saying trust me youre going to want to hear what I have to say. and its too much to type. can I come over. and i'll say yea I guess so. and him coming over with flowers. I just...I miss him so much I want to stop fighting stop pulling away from eachother and just give in and I know this is the make or break and I know I could text him I almost texted him today to let him know I didn't hate him but im not giving him peace. he needs to feel the discomfort. he needs consequences for his actions and im not giving him anything I don't care if it kills me im never reaching out again. I deserve more.and I don't want it from someone else I want it from him. he can give it to me. he just has to want to. and this is the only way to know for sure. idk how long itll take if he actually loves me not long. next week will be a big deciding factor. if he makes it through the weekend and doesn't tell me happy bday like...and we go past the two weeks without seeing eachother or speaking...I might as well stop. im trying to stop believing. I am. its the hardest thing ive ever done nothing has felt so wrong. I keep checking and checking ...never the block symbol. I guess nothing bad happened. idk. maybe he doesn't need me.  he has so much, but honestly so little of value. I have what he needs but if he doesn't want it its something he will regret for the rest of his life but I wont. eventually the what if will go away and i'll be okay. im going to be a star. and happy. because im a good person. and he could use some of my good karma. but he doesn't want it. ...but he cant make me believe he doesn't want me. his life isn't better without me. if this doesn't bring him back nothing will if this doesn't break him down and make him surrender nothing will. if he cant see that im the one...then im not. and my heart breaks everyday but I mean...I know ill be okay. im just so burnt out on life I wish for once it wouldn't be so late. for once it wouldn't take so long. that instead of making me wait weeks or months or never. he would just text me tomorrow and say I cant take this anymore I cant be without you. and id say anything else you want to say? idk. I want it so bad. don't know if ive ever wanted anything or anyone like this. but I wont pray for it. I wont pray for God to change him. or make him feel something or act a certain way. I have to see what happens naturally. if I was right or if he was. all I know is I cried so hard today. and ii don't want to go through this. and its a horrible time. I am DREADING work tomorrow. but whatever. I don't have a choice. this is just...fucking horrible. but I think I will leave my phone in the car tomorrow I don't want to be checking it all day. the day goes by faster without it. I just hope by some kind of miracle tomorrow isn't as freaking depressing as today was. cause I don't want anymore of this. I am proud tho I didn't post about it on fb. and I didn't text him. and I wanted to. so another day under my belt. ill take it one day at a time. sunday will be the big test. and a big step. but everyday is a test with this. im so freaking dead and miserable I need a miracle really bad but I know ill get through it. im just so tired. SO. tired.

Day 2- reprogramming my thoughts

SO thankful...wokeup with ZERO anxiety. still was hard to get up but only because I was tired. of course got up later than I was supposed to but its okay. im still thinking about him a lot but that's to be expected. I know his orientation was probably at 9 or 10. idk where. so he probably won't hear about me today. hell who knows if he even will. but yea, idk. im having to like reprogram the way I think of things. theres the voice that tells me like ive said sit tight he'll come back. same voice even tells me its possible that he will actually tell me he loves me and this will be the final wakeup call he needs. BUT like..the other voice. that's the one I should listen to. the doubter. because the believer is honestly the one that gets me in trouble it is always wrong. you cant believe things into existence when it comes to people. its just the coping mechanism ive used to get through tough times over the years I guess ive honestly begun lying to myself and believing the lies. making life into a fairytale that its not. and I just have to reprogram my thoughts and when it comes to corey I have to listen to the doubter. the doubter tells me like this wasn't meant to even last as long as it did. and the blockage that keeps him from me will always be there. that he's not even a good person and it's going to take a long time for him to change if he even ever does he just might get worse. that we were never meant to be together I forced the whole thing. and he does not nor could he ever love me. I mean be real. he can't love anyone but himself he is so obsessed its disgusting he doesn't do anything for anyone he is CONSUMED by ambition and its lazy ambition at that. how could we ever work out if he has no morals. I mean true if he loved me truly we could figure it out. but that's just not how things are. he is going to go on with his life and keep obsessing. and his feelings for me will never be strong enough for him to go against what he thinks is like his ability to succeed. so everyday that I get away from him is best. my confidence will grow and I'll start to forget. the believer IN THIS CASE is a liar. honestly..like...all it does is go against reality and get caught up in thoughts and get me hurt. I don't want to be crazy anymore I don't want to basically freaking like hallucinate. I mean really. like..yea. its not okay. even if I have to brainwash myself telling myself these things everyday that's fine whatever I have to do. I mean I have cut off the source of the pain. now I have to stop creating pain for myself. by accepting reality completely and just honestly it would help to completely forget all the good things that ever happened between us and they were so rare. its actually really easy. I can imagine it will be easy for me to get over him than it is the other way around because I was so good and he was so horrible. I cant defend him in my head I cant understand I can forgive but I cant forget. I have to remember and I have to like use these thoughts to create a new association with him. instead of associating him with pleasure I need to associate him with pain and that will keep me away from him. im so much stronger than I ever was before I know I can do this. I can stay away from him. the problem is the believer still wants things to work out it still wants to be with him and it still believes that is possible so I honestly just have to ignore that voice and those thoughts completely. this first week will be hard but by march 20th I will be over him. by February 27th, 7 days after I started I will be better. but after a month I should be mostly healed. I don't have to see him ever. I don't have to hear about him we don't have many mutual friends like life is going to be on my side with this. all I have to do is make sure my thoughts don't drag me into a situation that doesn't exist. theres no need to keep hurting over this. it doesn't matter if he thinks about me it doesn't matter if he doesn't. it doesn't matter if he wants me back or what he thinks of  me it doesn't matter whatsoever because time is going to go by. its going to be probably like 4 months before I see him and by then I'll be fine. I don't care about the adventure I don't want the drama I don't need it I can get by without. it does feel like..slightly empty but fuck it the doubter can erase that once I finally just truly accept that this is one of those situations in life where you got fucked. you made some bad decisions, weren't as strong as you should've been, and you get fucked. but im getting better. I don't dream of him every night. at all if ever. I don't stalk him I barely cry. and I actually did something I would never have done if I was thinking of how to get him back or keep him. the reality is he doesn't love me nor did he ever nor will he ever not even close and his fear of commitment will win. those words alone will keep him away from me. and he probably thinks im a bitch since I told him I hate him. we have no reason to have contact we have no connection. theres nothing to reignite the flame and it went up in smoke. its just...I have to let it go mentally that's all. really cause like me daydreaming about how miserable hes going to be doesn't mean anything cause the only way this ends well is If I never speak to him again. alas I keep checking my phone for that little symbol. Ashley ott texted me in the middle of the night and It reminded me of when he texted me at 2am and I had to remind myself it wasn't him. he isn't good enough of a person. REALY. BELIVE IT MICHELLE THIS IS THE TRUTH. he would never swallow his pride. he would never apologize out of the bblue as time goes on all he does is adapt he wll never turn around. the text would have to start with please don't delete this and I know you hate me but. and honestly as good as it would feel to have these victory moments the true victory will never happen. this whole month is going to go by. he wont even tell me happy bday I know he wont. like all the thoughts I had of him being miserable wont happen. hes going to be fine because the only thing he cares about is bodybuilding and he wll be able to do that. the ONLY WAY im going to be okay AT ALL is if I freaking just go the fuck on and try my best to think about him less and less. that's what I hate I think about him all the time. today is a week from valentines day. I have to forget those memories somehow or like bury them. push them away cause they don't help and God I need a miracle to help me with this psychosis. the believer is 20x stronger than the doubter its in my whole body in my bones. I cant...idk. I need help. ill try my best to keep telling myself these things. I have to. but I still feels wrong. but I will not give into the believer. you know why? because then id be believing a lie. with no evidence. id be walking around here with hope. checking my phone thinking I know eventually ill see that block sign. but I wont. and as the week goes on next week i'll be even more sad. ill have to relive the disappointment all over again when he doesn't text me on my bday. and then ill be weak and probably want to text him. and id say wow its super great you couldn't even text me on my bday and hed probably either not respond or say something really mean cause I said I hated him. n0thing good comes from this God. Nothing good comes from believing when it comes to him.normally something bad would've happened by now. and he would be texting me. but no. theres nothing. he ended it. he wanted this. he chose his stupid goals over me. like..hes the one that walked away. he didn't feel enough to keep him around it will never change I gave all I could. I don't want to hope anymore. I don't want to like wakeup everyday hoping It might be the day I don't want to like spring break comes around and im still thinking we might go to the phil heath together I don't want to think about the plans we had. im off on my bday ...like its so hard already not to think about these things. about how easy it would be to fix but like he doesn't want to and that's the bottom line I never wanted to accept but I have to and I have to move on. God PLEASE I really really really need your help. cause im not strong enough to change my whole way of thinking but these thoughts are wrong they are lies I want them out of my head. please. help me with this im trying to do the right thing I AM doing the right thing but I don't want to believe in him anymore I want to go on with my life and not think about him. I cant even picture getting through the month without talking to him. I cant picture going all the way to the show without talking to him. like and never seeing him. this truly being over. I want to believe the doubter God that voice is right PLEASE help me fix  my thoughts and get on the right track so I can heal God its not about him he is fine he is going on with life getting a new job surrounded by people that love him and pamper him and I want to forget he exists. PLEASE. theres so many emotions I have to bottle up. so many questions that will never get answered and this what if..could haunt me forever but I don't want that. I want to do what seems impossible and let it go and move on and be okay. so help me get through each day help me not talk to him or about him. PLEASE.


ill be honest with you God I don't always feel as strong I need you. I need to find a cripture that applies because this poor heart God...its been through so much...it didn't deserve it it doesn't understand it and it loves that boy and it just isn't strong enough not to believe. and to hope and it hurts me :( my bday...like...I wanted him to come. and he could've spent the night with me and im off on sunday like this is hard. but I WANT to be strong. I want to like get through the week and I want to get through my bday without speaking to him and without like...I just want to be okay. this is his proble God he should be the one hurting not me. but its always me and it hurts like hell and im sick of it.please please please please PLEASE help me do this I need you and I am weak. PLEASE.

Harder than it looks

Im okay. Im not crying. Im not...necessarily sad. Though I feel weird. msybe my doxiderol wore off. Probably need to go get some redbull. I literally turned my phone off. worked yday. I turned it on just to see if id see the little blocked sign. still nothing. honestly. this cant be fixed. hearing from him would not make me happy right now. unless he says he loves me too theres notihing to be said ya know. like theres nothing to be done at all. so I don't know like .....its just hard to focus. maybe that's just in general because im behind and idk what im doing. so maybe I should read the chapters or go over the lectures. im happy cause im for sure going to get through this day AND tomorrow without talking to him and then ill have two days under my belt which will make me feel better about myself. I feel like he hasn't even thought about it. but if I was him id definitely be thinking he was going to take it back. and normally he would. I know he doesn't like me mad at him but whatever. idk. I guess I just wonder. like in reality is he thinking about me. what did he think when he saw that I loved him. was he somewhat happy. did it make him feel good. is there even a CHANCE he might feel the same? he was just always so quiet I really don't know. did it push him away forever or will it make him feel even moreso like drawn to me. idk. I don't regret it. no matter what happens like it doesn't really matter anyway. I wonder though. he is probably working out right now but I wonder if he has trouble focusing. if he woke up thinking about me today. when he goes into work I know bethanny will bring me up. I wonder what hell say. I wonder if hes mad. or if he feells bad. I wonder if it hurt him at all. I wonder. like does he even think about me does it even bother him. if I go all this time without talking to him will he notice. does he check his phone thinking it might be me. I wonder how long we'll go without talking and if itll be foreer. if the cycle is broken or if something bad is going to happen like tmrw. I wonder if he had a bad day. or like...was even phased. like I wonder if he even notices my absence ya know. I wonder if he will tell me happy bday and when I ignore him will it bother him. I wonder if hes tried to look at my ig yet. or fb. I wonder if he thinks I overreacted or If he thinks he deserves it. or if he like regrets it yet. theres nothing to be done. im so happy to just be off today and tomorrow though. seriously im ecstatic bc like..taking work out of the mix just eases my stress a LOT and I feel like I have a vacay. Saturday is going to be great bc ill itll be 2 full complete days since ive said anything to him and ill feel much stronger. at the end of Saturday ill have like equaled my previous PRs. but like sunday night ill have beat it. that's going to be big. and exciting honestly maybe he wont notice. maybe hell start to feel like wow shes really done with me. or maybe he wont notice. but ill notice. and ill feel strong and good about myself. showing that I can do this. I think leaving my phone in the car at work will be good. that really seems to help and make the time go by faster. God just help me focus please. and help me have peace and enjoy my off days and thank you for helping me not waste them crying and whatnot.