at first, i actually thought it was him holding me back
but now im feeling crazy and im leaning on him again
all i wanna do is be with him
nothing else helps i just like feeling his warm skin and cuddling
and affection cause it makes me feel like i know something.
dropped all my nutrition classes today. decided to change my major to media production
which is crazy cuz thats what i switched from in the beginning
never thought id like being behind the scenes
and yes being a movie director would probably make me very jealous of the actresses but
i dont know how to pursue my dreams
i dont./ not anymore
so this is the closest i can get to it
i dont want to be a nutritionist. dont want to work in a hospital
im thinking maybe this way ill have a job with freedom to do what i want look what i want and enough money to be free
i wouldnt mind just working my way up the vitamin shoppe ladder honestly.
i like it there,
i just want a degree because and nutrition is hard and im tired of it right now
idk..maybe it was a mistake
its crazy cause i think a lot of this has to do with just me wanting to get a half sleeve tattoo. but then its like what if i get it and i dont want it
but my tattoos are the only thing about me that havent changed a;; this time its my only stability
i just reeally and truly have no freaking idea who i am anymore
and its driving me nuts
i guess now that i changed my major i ought to just try to enjoy life and not get fat
but i still dont like my body
still dont like my hair
i dont hate my body
just my stomach bothers me
and the fact that i have no idea what to eat or how to workout to lose weight and its super annoying.
anyway. im doing my hair tomorrow even though i think its kinda pointless i cant imagine what they could do with it i think its just gunna look bad & since i dont know what i wanna see in the morror..why
its like i cant see myself trying to be attractive
especially not without my hair
i was so stupid to cut it. really. that has been biting me in thew ass for a freaking year now. i feel like im not gunna like it til its long again. or damn at least a length i can deal with,
and this all natural stuff isnt working
i miss makeup but i feel like i look better without it or ill have to put on too much i dont even know anymore. i really dont.
im so confused about everything and i feel super unstable and its not good for my mind. like i feel like i dont even wanna move or do anything cause it has no point.
& the lady.
she...i need to let that go. for some reason its like i really need her approval i want her to do something to show me im not the most annoying person shes ever met and she doesnt hate me. i mean she always ignores my text. she hasnt sent me a picture in freaking almost 2 weeks (in two days itll have been two weeks) so why do i chase her? thats what i hate
i dont like it. i think this is horrible service and she couldve just been like more attentive and i think she sold me dreams and had my hopes up for nothing so why did i text her today actually asking her for advice shes not even gunna answer me i want that relationship to be over :( i wanted to be one of the girls that got to be her friend but i am just too young and i dont fit it and that damn photoshioot has like ryuined my life. i look at the pics and its like..i feel like shes gunna send me an email with all of them saying here were done ahve a nice life. i dont think i did anything wrong ya know? i didnt give her an attitude or anything. im so confused.
im gunna keep praying. & just try to be positive and i guess for once, and for the first time truly just live for today without it being some huge step toward the future. im not getting ready for anything im not trying to impress anyone.
im obviously not gunna do a show this year. even though i really do want to get in better shape and i did wanna be a fitness model
and why am i so jealous of my friend
shes beautiful and sweet and shes gunna do well
God help me like..purify myself from this healousy i knows its wrong
its usually not this horrible
i should be happy for her. i know she deserves it
i just see her making al these friends anf getting into the circle
im so tired of feeling so rejected
and it makes me really wanna rebel. i want to get a new tattoo. but that would change my life so drastically and basically make it so i could never be a fitness model. i want her to tell me like..
idk im trying to wait and make sure theres no hope before i forget about it completely but shes left me in the dark for so long. other people have their pics theres so many new ones. its just.. not cool.
i feel like i cant trust anyone and everyones judging me
all i wanted was to be loved
abnd i left myself open and as usual
just dumb.
idk. we'll see. i'll figure something out. i just wanted to be someone
like..that everyone loved
and just feel thst ya know?
to have fans and peiople that think highly of me
and be one of the people that i look up to,
thats it. but i cant do this
its mean
and nothings happening and no ones helpoing me and three years of my life has been a lie
all ive done is lost myself in this mess & i cant get out
God please. please help me get out.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
sometimes i dont like myself
aside from all this supposed "potential" apparently only I know about...
sometimes i really just dont want to be me.
theres soooo many things i really dont like about myself & i really want to change those things before i have anything else to do with the world. so im going to list those things & my goal in life for the time being (always with staying fit & getting better on the side as well)
is to just...not hate these personality traits so much
and to be someone im rpoud of
and not pretend to be anyone or anything
so first the things id like to change about myself:
1)im scared of confrontation
2)i sabotage myself. EVERYTIME. i never do my best. just in case i mess up ppl wont think i really tried.
3)i always give into temptation. period
4)i kiss ass to people i think are socially "important" and i pretend to like people i dont like. i compliment people when i dont mean it & i go out of my way to seem like a nice person just so people will like me. and it NEVER works
5)i make up stories & lie habitually for attention
6)i pretend to like things i dont like. like sports. i dont like sports.
7)i procrastinate every chance i get- i dont trust myself
8)i spend too much money
9)*** i talk WAY too much, just to be heard, and dont LISTEN.
10)i talk about myself too much
11)i always compete with everyone else in my head & always underestimate my competition
12)i plan way too far ahead and spend money and time i dont have yet, always making plans im not ready for
13)im not thankful enough to God. i dont talk to Him as much as I used to and I am not as close to him as I used to be. I dont even read my bible anymore
14)im always getting addicted to something
15)i talk abotui something and make it sound so exciting but never do it
16)ive gottwen back into telling people about my problems instead of dealing with them myself
i think right now my soul is broken. & i need to deal with that before i do anything. i think I need to try to eat as clean as possible but let my first priority be just..keeping promises to myself.. and other people...just being a better human being because i have become so insincere.
who i pretend i am & try to hold onto:
-americas sweetheart-would never be mean to anyone
-tomboy..when i dont like sports...and i would b girly if i thoiught i could pull it off
-miss fitness - so fit and healthy
-miss super smart science nerd
-miss...doormat
-little kid
who i am (traits that actually are true)
-hate sports
-like girly stuff
-not always happy and bubbly. not always nice
-SO much left to learn....dont really like science and math...prefer art.
-performing girl-i really still want to be a famous singer. i just staqrted listening to everyone that i wasnt that talented and decided to be practical. but in my heart i would love to b in videos & movies & perform.
-i love food. i like to eat. i am so sick of counting everything and being so conscious of it all, i miss just living and having fun and i just wish i could have the discipline to get my body how i want it. i actually really want that. but fitness is now more obligation than any kind of enjoyment. i need to duck out of all of this because right now i do not like working out or eating healthy and i dont see myself helping anyone. i dont wanna be a trainer. i dont wanna finish school & do an internship..i dont like school. i wanna eb free & get paid for one of my talents cause im tired to death of sitting on them. i dont feel like working out. ever.
..but i really need new music on my phone that would help.
what would i do right now...if i could do whatever i wanted..
take an occasional class at school just cause..work like four days a week.
and spenmd time with garrisen. watch movies. eat. thats it. i just wanna read, watch movies, eat.
or do all the same stuff but on my time.
im so tired. & i feel like..im just gunna keep feeling overworked if i dont take something out. i cant stop working..i cant stop school...it seems like working out is the only other thing and the diet. it has stressed me out and depressed me for so long. isk how to free myself from this ugly beast.
but thats what i wanna do. just...i want my hair to be long again. i wanna feel cute and attractive and justwalk around feeling hot like i used to. taking a lot of pics and just..enjoying different stuff. do fun stuff every wknd and not have ti worry if its gunna be unfun because i cant eat what i want and spend my opnly spar etime working out pretty much to no avail because i cant diet. and if i dont diet i dont workout. i really wanna disappear for a little while and let the only people who see me be the people at work. i need help and I dont know what to ask for but all I know is when i need a break I need a break and i wanna escape something..this i can escape. no ones looking for me. im not important right now.
i dont wanna be jealous of my friend but it hurts my feelings so much for her to be like...everything i wanna be. friends with the people that wont talk to me,
just popular..and like..ive been fighting for that for too long. i need a change of pace. i need to be gone. ill come back but i just need to feel like some stuff is forgotten. idk what to do about eating maybe i do need to save my money & go to keith klein idk. i need to relax and clear my head my soul and my heart are not well right now & i need them to be so im just gunna relax. i dont wanna go to dave n busters. im not in the modd for like anything right niow & i dont know what to do. but at least no one is here so i can just be by myself. i think the issue all this time has been like.. a lack of God in ym life. i been so worried about bettering myself i havent been worried about being a good person and im really fake. im just not proud of it. i dont deservbe anything that i supposedly wanted. ive been wanting a way out. a way away from the woman who really...i let start all this. to pretend i dont know her or need anything from her im just gunna drop off the face i wanna just get away from the situation. and this has all really shown me that mnaybe for a hobby i can do this. working out just to stay fit and pursuing my own goals but trying to like travel here and there and become a big star im not tripping on right now because im too immature and unstable to handle it and its not important to me right now. it was jkust my temporary high. and i just..i dont like it. i dont wanna chase anyone or be so fake anymore. i wanna be me. im tired of all this. i wish the outside reflected the inside. it doesnt. right now. i miss my hair. idk. we'll see. im just gunna try to pray and calm down before the boy comes home. & probably tell him i dont wanna go to the party. this will ahve to be the last time i let someone down. but itd be me lying again. ugh. maybe my mood will change.
sometimes i really just dont want to be me.
theres soooo many things i really dont like about myself & i really want to change those things before i have anything else to do with the world. so im going to list those things & my goal in life for the time being (always with staying fit & getting better on the side as well)
is to just...not hate these personality traits so much
and to be someone im rpoud of
and not pretend to be anyone or anything
so first the things id like to change about myself:
1)im scared of confrontation
2)i sabotage myself. EVERYTIME. i never do my best. just in case i mess up ppl wont think i really tried.
3)i always give into temptation. period
4)i kiss ass to people i think are socially "important" and i pretend to like people i dont like. i compliment people when i dont mean it & i go out of my way to seem like a nice person just so people will like me. and it NEVER works
5)i make up stories & lie habitually for attention
6)i pretend to like things i dont like. like sports. i dont like sports.
7)i procrastinate every chance i get- i dont trust myself
8)i spend too much money
9)*** i talk WAY too much, just to be heard, and dont LISTEN.
10)i talk about myself too much
11)i always compete with everyone else in my head & always underestimate my competition
12)i plan way too far ahead and spend money and time i dont have yet, always making plans im not ready for
13)im not thankful enough to God. i dont talk to Him as much as I used to and I am not as close to him as I used to be. I dont even read my bible anymore
14)im always getting addicted to something
15)i talk abotui something and make it sound so exciting but never do it
16)ive gottwen back into telling people about my problems instead of dealing with them myself
i think right now my soul is broken. & i need to deal with that before i do anything. i think I need to try to eat as clean as possible but let my first priority be just..keeping promises to myself.. and other people...just being a better human being because i have become so insincere.
who i pretend i am & try to hold onto:
-americas sweetheart-would never be mean to anyone
-tomboy..when i dont like sports...and i would b girly if i thoiught i could pull it off
-miss fitness - so fit and healthy
-miss super smart science nerd
-miss...doormat
-little kid
who i am (traits that actually are true)
-hate sports
-like girly stuff
-not always happy and bubbly. not always nice
-SO much left to learn....dont really like science and math...prefer art.
-performing girl-i really still want to be a famous singer. i just staqrted listening to everyone that i wasnt that talented and decided to be practical. but in my heart i would love to b in videos & movies & perform.
-i love food. i like to eat. i am so sick of counting everything and being so conscious of it all, i miss just living and having fun and i just wish i could have the discipline to get my body how i want it. i actually really want that. but fitness is now more obligation than any kind of enjoyment. i need to duck out of all of this because right now i do not like working out or eating healthy and i dont see myself helping anyone. i dont wanna be a trainer. i dont wanna finish school & do an internship..i dont like school. i wanna eb free & get paid for one of my talents cause im tired to death of sitting on them. i dont feel like working out. ever.
..but i really need new music on my phone that would help.
what would i do right now...if i could do whatever i wanted..
take an occasional class at school just cause..work like four days a week.
and spenmd time with garrisen. watch movies. eat. thats it. i just wanna read, watch movies, eat.
or do all the same stuff but on my time.
im so tired. & i feel like..im just gunna keep feeling overworked if i dont take something out. i cant stop working..i cant stop school...it seems like working out is the only other thing and the diet. it has stressed me out and depressed me for so long. isk how to free myself from this ugly beast.
but thats what i wanna do. just...i want my hair to be long again. i wanna feel cute and attractive and justwalk around feeling hot like i used to. taking a lot of pics and just..enjoying different stuff. do fun stuff every wknd and not have ti worry if its gunna be unfun because i cant eat what i want and spend my opnly spar etime working out pretty much to no avail because i cant diet. and if i dont diet i dont workout. i really wanna disappear for a little while and let the only people who see me be the people at work. i need help and I dont know what to ask for but all I know is when i need a break I need a break and i wanna escape something..this i can escape. no ones looking for me. im not important right now.
i dont wanna be jealous of my friend but it hurts my feelings so much for her to be like...everything i wanna be. friends with the people that wont talk to me,
just popular..and like..ive been fighting for that for too long. i need a change of pace. i need to be gone. ill come back but i just need to feel like some stuff is forgotten. idk what to do about eating maybe i do need to save my money & go to keith klein idk. i need to relax and clear my head my soul and my heart are not well right now & i need them to be so im just gunna relax. i dont wanna go to dave n busters. im not in the modd for like anything right niow & i dont know what to do. but at least no one is here so i can just be by myself. i think the issue all this time has been like.. a lack of God in ym life. i been so worried about bettering myself i havent been worried about being a good person and im really fake. im just not proud of it. i dont deservbe anything that i supposedly wanted. ive been wanting a way out. a way away from the woman who really...i let start all this. to pretend i dont know her or need anything from her im just gunna drop off the face i wanna just get away from the situation. and this has all really shown me that mnaybe for a hobby i can do this. working out just to stay fit and pursuing my own goals but trying to like travel here and there and become a big star im not tripping on right now because im too immature and unstable to handle it and its not important to me right now. it was jkust my temporary high. and i just..i dont like it. i dont wanna chase anyone or be so fake anymore. i wanna be me. im tired of all this. i wish the outside reflected the inside. it doesnt. right now. i miss my hair. idk. we'll see. im just gunna try to pray and calm down before the boy comes home. & probably tell him i dont wanna go to the party. this will ahve to be the last time i let someone down. but itd be me lying again. ugh. maybe my mood will change.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
popular people
i need to make a vow right now for the rest of my life
to stay away from them
when i walk in a room, when i view the world as a whole
any industry im ever in
when i see the people at the top
i need to just tell myself i am above them because i am only trying to impress God
well..not even that. that we are equals. and i am not to worship them
or give them any credit.
this lady is exactly like the first one.
people at the top make me feel like shit. i dont evenw anna be in this world anymore. i wanna get in shape for my own benefit and because i like looking good but seriously otherwise forget it because it has consumed me and taken so much joy from my life for so long. ill take a few years off and build my own fan base. NOT including "people in high places".
i have always been such a kiss ass.
so eager to please
always downplaying the gifts that god made ME to make ME special..
just to fit in among people
but there are people that love me
and there are people that dont
im a good freaking person
i may not be perfect
im not nor will i ever be Jamie Eason
but im me
i have a LOT of talents that the right person is going to benefit from very much one day and i am DONE being underconfident. im done.
im done kissing ass im done
i dont have to
i AM smart. i AM sttractive i DO have a good body
i have a fantastic personality and lots of ideas and good things to give to the world i dont have to be insiecure because HE so loved the world..
Im done. from now on im going to allow myself to be confident and love myself and be happy. if i dont like my body then i will change it. but its not disgusting.
i am me. i dont have to compare myself to anyone else and i dont need anyone elses approval im DONE!
cause when you chase people run IM DONE CHASING! i have all i freaking need i am DONE.
to stay away from them
when i walk in a room, when i view the world as a whole
any industry im ever in
when i see the people at the top
i need to just tell myself i am above them because i am only trying to impress God
well..not even that. that we are equals. and i am not to worship them
or give them any credit.
this lady is exactly like the first one.
people at the top make me feel like shit. i dont evenw anna be in this world anymore. i wanna get in shape for my own benefit and because i like looking good but seriously otherwise forget it because it has consumed me and taken so much joy from my life for so long. ill take a few years off and build my own fan base. NOT including "people in high places".
i have always been such a kiss ass.
so eager to please
always downplaying the gifts that god made ME to make ME special..
just to fit in among people
but there are people that love me
and there are people that dont
im a good freaking person
i may not be perfect
im not nor will i ever be Jamie Eason
but im me
i have a LOT of talents that the right person is going to benefit from very much one day and i am DONE being underconfident. im done.
im done kissing ass im done
i dont have to
i AM smart. i AM sttractive i DO have a good body
i have a fantastic personality and lots of ideas and good things to give to the world i dont have to be insiecure because HE so loved the world..
Im done. from now on im going to allow myself to be confident and love myself and be happy. if i dont like my body then i will change it. but its not disgusting.
i am me. i dont have to compare myself to anyone else and i dont need anyone elses approval im DONE!
cause when you chase people run IM DONE CHASING! i have all i freaking need i am DONE.
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