the wierd phase

so ive been wearing graphic tees with skinny jeans and shoes that dont match..with loud makeup and wierd accessories since high school. ive had tattoos & piercings on any occasion that i felt emotionally out of control since i was 16. ive always been wierd. it was never cool til this year,
& it annoys me that now everyones just TRYING to force the shit.
im not copyin shit. i was wierd before it was cool. but honestly its not a style its either who you are or who you wanna be.
when i leave the house my goal is to look the opposite of everyone else because i couldnt blend in if i wanted to.
when i look in the mirror i see barbie. but i have drawn all over myself and poked holes all over the place, chopped off my hair, and created my own style to defy this. i still struggle with the fact that i dont look how i feel but what the hell. i do me. swag it out somehow. but i dont copy.
ill give credit to my inspirations. like rihanna. & the pictures i sketch in my notebook. maybe a little lady gaga. thats about it.

competing in two days

two more days. im so nervous. look what im competing against:




REALLY?
& this is me:




im not lean enough to beat her. in my eyes. but hey, i did the best i could with no trainer or nutritionist. im proud i did it all myself didnt crack one time & ive never been able to follow a diet for this long. im excited it should be really fun. ill just be the girl with the good attitude that makes everyones experience fun & then ill be a good sport and have enjoyed the whole thing. and i cant wait to EAT baddd foood lol

im going to go in on some golden oreos. thats all i want. ..and ihop..,cicis..and cake. then its back on my diet for another show! i love my life right now. God is good. =]

CONTEST PREP

sucks. only the strong survive.

two weeks out.

MY MARK ON THIS WORLD

i always felt like ive been so blessed...and with so many talents..
that i really need to use them to help the world. to inspire people with my words & my smile and by doing well for myself, show others that they can too. & always encourage & be a positive influence on the people around me.
its hard sometimes when youre tryna help other people no one helps you, but Im okay. God takes good care of me,
now ive just been pondering. like in what way. what mark am i supposed to leave. how can i make a difference now?>
Personal training was my way of helping people be healthier. ive got some ideas now on how to do it. I want to start a nonprofit organization. Ive been reading a lot about it.
Ill do something. I just gotta figure it out & get organized.
so many ideas. sigh. I want to help people I feel like the world could really use some positivty right now

RETAIL THERAPY

Had an audition this morning. blah. I go to em. definately wouldnt mind someone whisking me away to fame. damn sure dont wanna be here.
but anyway then me & my aunt went to the woodlands mall. I love the woodlands. its pretty much the beverly hills of Houston.
Went shopping. got 2 new pairs of pants they fit brilliantly. which i fucking hate jeans cuz they make me feel fat. but these dont even have zippers omg so the fact that mmy pants are always undone wont be a problem lol
im texting like 20 different ppl right now & i dont know why.
you ever have days where ur just like popular? ha whatever. boo.
anyway so retail therapy. it helps. its the one thing that keeps me from eating.
i swear right now i really just want a fucking thing of golden oreos.
anyway that was my day.

all i hear is

blah blah blah

JESSE JAMES

Jesse Woodson James (September 5, 1847 – April 3, 1882) was an American outlaw, gang leader, bank and train robber, and murderer from the state of Missouri and the most famous member of the James-Younger Gang. Already a celebrity when he was alive, he became a legendary figure of the Wild West after his death. Some recent scholars place him in the context of regional insurgencies of ex-Confederates following the American Civil War rather than a manifestation of frontier lawlessness or economic justice.[1]

Jesse and his brother Frank James were Confederate guerrillas during the Civil War. They were accused of participating in atrocities committed against Union soldiers. After the war, as members of one gang or another, they robbed banks. They also robbed stagecoaches and trains. Despite popular portrayals of James as a kind of Robin Hood, robbing from the rich and giving to the poor, there is no evidence that he and his gang used their robbery gains for anyone but themselves.[2]

The James brothers were most active with their gang from about 1866 until 1876, when their attempted robbery of a bank in Northfield, Minnesota, resulted in the capture or deaths of several members. They continued in crime for several years, recruiting new members, but were under increasing pressure from law enforcement. On April 3, 1882, Jesse James was killed by Robert Ford, who was a member of the gang living in the James house and who was hoping to collect a state reward on James' head.




im not a murderer. i dont steal. hell i dont really do anything bad. but i am different. usuall the leader. mutinies ensue. when most ppl r always just as guilty. if you really know me, you know its very relevant.

BUSY LiFE

Eh. I dont like to say Im busy. I try to remove it from my vocab because its kind of deroggatory. like im complaining. plus it makes everyone feel like they have no life.
but ive tried to keep positively busy this week. started working. i love my job by the way. & ive been workin out consistently. i missed two days tho. i need to get back on. only 2 more weeks! im already alittle burnt out tho which SUCKS.
but hey, gotta keep pushin.
as for the love life, there is none. i dont really have anyone i can actually see myself with. well, i did. but lets be real. due to the last EPICFAIL relationship i recently recovered from, i no longer have it in me to fight for someone that acts like they dont give a shit if im there or not. theres something in me that wasnt there before. but i broke the cycle.
thank the LORD. thats all i can say. i do not..hop on the train like i used to & just ride til i die. i want someone to walk with me not run from me. so yea i might really like him. can i see us together? hell yea. we mesh WELL. but its not compatibility that matters in the end. its mutual attraction. so yea waving goodbye.
i am cool though. its wierd though. normally id be sad. depressed. askin myself why. feelin sorry for myself. but now..i cant even cry. even when i try. nothing comes out.

even though this person who most recently broke my heart DESTROYED ME & i changd so freaking much there is no trace of my old life at all.. i almost wanna thank em. i like this me way better.

Easter weekend

welp this weekend was fun=] heres some pics:








went out on thursday that was fun. kind of catastrophic but i had a good time til the end when my twins car got broken into? smh ppl r bad sometimes :/ but the rest was good just gettin ready for work this week and studyin. got more tests and papers yay. lol & ive worked out every single day for at least a week now im proud. its gunna take a miracle to whip this body into shape to compete but im gunna give it my best!! woop!! went to my dads for easter that was fun.

its wierd cuz right now..im not in pain. it is SAD but im not used to it. nothing hurts. ive got good friends..no bf but no broken heart either so no complaints. no drama anymore..new job...im just.. at peace really. its wierd. i dont like anyone im not chasing anyone..im happy=]
so all i can really do is hit my freakin knees & thank the LOrd & enjoy it while it lasts, i love it. im happy & i have everything i need. im no longer a slave to things that hurt me.. yay=]