Another day...another boy

Don't I really like them all? Im starting to take myself less and less seriously but dang at one point I thought 23 was the worst year but its starting to feel like the best. i feel better about myself so i9m attracting better people. Im starting to forget about the last weirdo and the uneasy feelings have gone away. I had been getting over A even though he was still talking about our kids like that was an actual possibility but God did me a huge favor because he just randomly stopped talking to me on tuesday. Which is awesome because now I have NO baggage woop! :) Anyway so yea. idk when it struck me i think it was......sunday that i randomly decided to write on the new guys wall. I mean...idk a friend who introduced us had mentioned that he thought i was so hot. but i mean at the time i had a boyfriend and when i finally didnt he had a gf sooooo ya know. I didnt say anything but yea sunday i suddenly felt the urge to hit him up on his wall. he was super sweet and i told him our friend was supposed to give him my number but didnt and he was like well im gunna have to talk to him cause wtf and when am i gunna see you again and i told em id be competing at the states etc. and he messaged me and gave me his number and we talked on fb til like 1230 then he went to sleep. i told em to text me the next day and he said he would but he was taking too fucking long so i texted him. anyway so we were talking most of the day and then i guess like a little before i was going to get off i told him i was gunna go home and curl up with my cats and watch netflix. and he said he was jealous of the cats and i was like well youre welcome to join my boring party anytime and hes like is that an invitation i wouldnt mind joining blah blah he just said just tell em when id want company and hed be there and im like REALLY lol but yea so i said come over tonight then if youre not too tired and he was like okay or whatever and he came over. it didnt dawn on me til he was on his way over here that we had never spent any time alone together and didnt know eachother that well. it felt like we had but when i thought about it we really hadnt. sooooo there was a possibility of us not hitting it off but whatever. i knew he wouldnt be a weirdo. i dont remember thinking he was super attractive when i had met em before but seeing him on facebook post-show was like dang corey is attractive mm. lol but yea so...he came and its like we IMMEDIATELY started talking like from when he got out the car. nice hug was given. thennnn like..we just kept talking. about everything. we talked about exes. like every damn thing out in the open. i mean he SHATTERED what i THOUGHT he was like. we'll get to the physical part later but first off as far as personality goes motherfucker is THE SHIT. i thought he was like a goodie good and like may not cuss and was gunna be one of those positive all the time super nice people i even thought he was like a gentle giant and might have trouble for being too nice in situations that might arise. i assumed he was super white too assuming he liked country so i quoted some lyrics and he had no idea what i was talking about haha i also thought he was gunna be like all fitness all competition but i mean. man he blew my assumptions out of the water. first off, he cusses as much as me. and likes to complain sometimes too. hes very positive but still..like..human. i mean his personality is just...damn i love his confidence! but hes not arrogant at all hes so humble and hes big on working hard which i love. its so nice though to have someone whos not so damn insecure where theyre fucking talking about everybody all the damn time. like hes just not hateful. he actually likes and wants to help people. he has VERY similar goals to mine. and hes just a damn beast like the kid has a BRIGHT future. BRIGHT i say. and hes SO FUNNY. he made me laugh so hard and he thinks IM funny which is something i loved about A that G did not have. he never thought i was funny and i KNOW im funny haha anyway yea but like he just..would listen and then when he would talk i would listen. but really like i was looking at his mouth because he has a pretty mouth lol and im looking at him like man you really are attractive. i remember when i met G it was like...idk there was a lot of pretending going on trying to impress. there was none of that here. and when i first met him i remember thinking he wasnt as attractive ashe looked from far away. but this one did not disappoint. i love his face. i mean hes white bu8t hes not awkward and he has some freaking bass in his voice i like his voice and the way he talkes. hes like..mmm. he has SWAG thank the Lord. I love it. he just talks eloquently and he looks good on camera and isnt shy and knowsn what to say. hes not OVERLY social but he likes people and is friendly and likeable. and popular in the city and the industry so far. we spent like FIVE HOURS talking. he didnt leave til like four in the morning i didnt want him to go and when he left i was like all giddy. he didnt touch me. all we did was talk. it was so perfect i was so comfortable it was like my best friend. idk if hes like..attracted to me i would assume so. but surprisingly, the first white guy ever, i am very attracted to him. and hes a decent height. and hes BIG like super strong and all manly lol i freaking love it. we talked about my cheat meals and i told em about princes and he was like lets go, saturday lets go and im like hell yea so i been waiting all week for saturday i am too thrilled i cant wait to see him again. i have been like 100% myself, forward and aggressive as all hell and he just likes it and goes right along with it but i dont feel like im puppeteering. who knew it would end up this way i for damn sure didnt! i mean im different from all his exes and hes way different from mine. but man we have fun together we laugh so hard and like joke around. and he is so big and sweet and attractive and like. idk. hes never touched me. except for the hugs and he makes me VERY nervous. i cant see us kissing. all thought apparently i did dream of it that night just like a peck and i remember thinking his lips were soft. but like.. idk. cause he makes me nervous and comfortable at the same time. i cant see us being romantic but he could surprise me. i am aware that he could like..have bad breath. thought it might be the case the other night so i just gave him a lot of gum. huge guys tend to be smelly and snore maybe he doesnt snore idk. but anyway and he could be a horrible kisser. which i doubt 1) cause hes white and white people kiss lmao and 2)cause hes been in relationships. so it should be fine. idk his family seems cool especially his sister. hes young and has a lot of plans so i gotta put off my dreams of having kids for a little while i think lol but he knows about them. i dont have to rush. i am very young. he works a regular job, lives with his mom, but hes not a bum. just young and focused and i dont mind. idk man. he is SO FINE and he has so much confidence and swag. he could be a bad kisser or be bad at...that..or have a small you know...but i now have a new appreciation for any average sized you know because A was so...like..horrible. really? you have a tiny wing wang then we cant even do it for more than 30 seconds? thank God for youth and testosterone. anyway yea i dont KNOW and i dont care right now its worth a shot. cause he is cool as shit and fine fine fine and FINALLY someone in the industry with similar values to mine. he randomly stopped texting me tonight but ill be okay. thank you God things are awesome. love you

at a good place mentally- just feelin weird right now

I feel slightly better. Anyway today was a good day. Yday wasnt bad. Had a retarded first date and this is my last from online dating smh. really? this mofo looked hot as hell online i shouldve known it wasnt the case from the sound of his voice. the chicago accent was bad but he sounded like a little boy and the clickage just wasnt there. he seemed SO cool and awesome online. but he shows up and hes skinny and very awkward the hug sucked. and he smells like fucking cheap ass corner store cologne. i find out he comes down here living with his sister so is basically a bum and h9is "oil rig" job is like manual labor and mantanance. so yea big misrepresentation. weird. i went against the red flags and now i feel weird cause he knows where i live. will not be making these same mistakes again. but..idk i havent found anyone that way so im quitting. im bout to hop into this fitness industry real quick so im hoping that if i stay single i'll meet some hot male fitness model. that would make more sense lol i already have a huge crush on bradley martyns fine ass. i just wanna be the baddest bitch around i want to turn HEADS and be like dammmnn WHO IS THAT. thats my goal for the texas states. i want to place. but my main goal is to just blow people away and for them to be like wooowww who was that?! i want to have ALL the swag and look like a freaking super model. i want all the brands to be on my dick like ARE YOU SPONSORED. i want to turn heads when i walk by. the pros will be there but i wont get to have much contact with them and i dont think theyll get to see me. but one day. i want to start going to all the big shows. the arnold, the olympia. maybe ill try to compete at the arnold. idk but i want to travel and meet people and go to parties and be a big name. i dont realy care to be a part of anyones click but i want to be a bad bitch. let me see how i can do 0on my own and if i need help which i most likely will ill use kim oddo. but yea my goal is just to freaking kill it this show. makeup for all the damn bullshitting ive done but mostly to have fun. to feel sexy and hot and strut my SHIT. if i don't win and i just look in the mirror and 100% satisfied with what i see then thats all good. im not going to google who im competing against or be a bitch or assume im the best one cause i probably wont be. i want to be the best me though. i want to look freaking amazing so i have to PAY ATTENTION to my changes and go hard every day. did well last week gotta do it again. wow this is not what i came to write abo0ut but hey thats fine lol anyway, yea i really want to have an amazing ass. everything else is just a matter of leaning out. i gotta stay on track every week. everyday. i had my cheat meal from macdonalds and was able to get back on track today. had a good workout even though i felt weird. did my cardio after my workout because i took forever to get up today lol my meal # 2 was at effing 8 o clock. good news my ferocious yeast infection is finally effing going away. those antibiotics were horrible. anyway yea but yea i gotta round out my glutes. calves will help but if my thighs shrink my calves will look fine.as far as building im mostly focusing on my but and ham strings. i need my backside to be lean and tight and rounded. looking forward to the off season but right now im just excited to wear my pretty hot pink sparkly suit and get all dolled up and pretty and compete! its so nice to have something to look forward to. but i do feel pretty good msot the time. i didnt even notice but i finally dont feel weird everyday waking up in my apartment. i feel right at home. i look forward to coming home and being alone. im enjoying my workouts. i like my job a lot. i feel comfortable with everything in my life right now and im more confident than ive ever been. for once i dont feel like i should be chasing anyone. im happy with myself. i met a man, my previous boss before i got promoted, and he really made me who i am. he made me stronger and more confident and because of him i now think highly of myself and i stand up for myself and im not afraid to be a bitch which i freaking love. everyone at my job aside from one person is scared of me. i love it. he has done a lot of wrong towards m e but ive never met anyone who loved me that much. and like valued me that much and just thought i was perfect at my best and worst. he has a small penis. and a daughter and is in the military and cant be with me often enough and i feel like all these responsibilitees he has would hold me back. right now i want to be free to pursue the path and let God put me where he wants me to be thats whats most important to me and i cant imagine he would want me with him it doesnt feel right anymore. but everyone ive met so far, its too soon. i8 guess. last night i ended up texting him like i do after every date because i feel like..he wouldve beaten that guys ass for me. like..i just wanted him to make it all better to like touch my face and make me feel safe and warm. i want someone like him but better. someone big and strong that makes me feel safe and proud. hes the first guy who made ME feel special. i love him to death i just know we cant be together and i feel bad for jerking him around. i really want someone i can rely on. like if i call you to come over youre like im on my way. if i want to go somewhere youre like that sounds cool! if i like someone you like them if youre with me you wanna tell the world. someone who understands and appreciates social media. idk. i havent met my someone yet. cant imagine him but ill be happy when i do and shit just works out. anyway im ok. im tired now lol