another freaking tragedy

im surprisingly calm about this,
maybe cuz it hasnt officially happened yet.
so...ever since my bday ex-bestfriend/otherhalf/super-potential has been acting up. basically avoiding me, ignoring me, wont come c me or really respond to me..
so today i told em i hate em
he said what why
& i said hed figure it out eventually
& he was like ok Michelle
so anyway long story short i was like dude r u aware that i legitimately like u & ur ruin my day sometimes theres no way youre that clueless
& he said he actually didnt.
what.
are you bloody serious right now?
so all that..all this time..you were just gassing me..
like..pretending to care what i do, pretending to care that i care what you do
just...gassing. & then on my bday he was all on me
& this whole time you didnt even think i liked you?which means you didnt like me..
& im dumb as heck thinking he really did. that if i wanted to talk to him seriously i could because he liked me & i was the only reason we didnt work
he never had any intention of anything otherwise
i thibk the reason im not bothered is cause it hasnt hit me yet
& he hasnt said it yet
but im pretty sure i just ruined everything.
i really didnt expect this at all. what THE flip.
im just gunna pray.
hes not even answering.
its so familiar now its sad.
i think i just need to...stay away from them
i like boys theyre fun & i really think affection & romance are the only 2 things that make life really worth living but i can get by
im getting eaten alive out her i gotta call it
i just cant do it.
i told em lets just pretend this convo never happened
asshole spoke to me earlier. first time hes ever chatted me
of course we argued,
i was like man hes always gunna be rude. but idk i can deal w. it
its the knowing he didnt like me that bothers me
but anyway. so yea. & i mean..the feelings come bavk so easily
i still like him. & its crazy too cuz i was talkin to lillie today bout how i dont understand why me & brandon didnt work
& how back in the day i never couldve imagined us being how we are now
we were so ride or die
but like now its hard for me to imagine us beign like that
when i look at him i still think hes so adorable
and yes i still miss him. & sadly, i would most likely still talk to him. pretty sure i would. even today i was hoping hed ask me to come over.
sigh, i really just think im the easiest person in the world to please
i just wanna talk to you & be with you
but no one. not one. out of the probably 20 diff guys ive talked to at this school, not one has worked. nto one. they dont ever really like me
not one time have i successfully captured someones heart. never. not once. it gets so old i cannot even tell you.
now i just...wanna turn away. im so tired of it
i try so hard to be optimistic. keep trying. give everyone a chance
& not think that just because literally not one single person in this world that i like likes me, that theres nothing wrong with me
but i dont wanna change i like me i really dont thin k there is anything wrong with me but im sad now.
like....how can you be so cold hearted
why am i such a burden to all of them ya know?
sorry i care..
it sucks when you are are is unattractive to people & you know theres a whole race of people looking for someone like you
back to alien status
i need to protect myself. honestly
im gunna have to just face the music & realize all these boys are the same
& its not gunna change i can never get it right
ill have a crush then ill be in love in a few days & theyre gunna think im annoying & be gone. or ill go and regret it. never ever ever is one of the people i like gunna like me in the same way. its gotta be a random occurence. & years from now.
i just lost all my interest in..everything.
i thought maybe id tell em, & hed tell me he liked me too...maybe come over
i just wanted him to come over all this time
great now hes texting back. i dont wanna read it
dumb boys. i told em to forget it ever happened, (which would probably be the best thing to do but obviously its not what i want) & hes probably gunna say ok lol
aint this some.. man lol
lemme gon n read this crap.
he said "why because i didnt get a chance to respond? ok michelle whatever you say goes".. dumb responses like that.
i dont care.
nothing works. how could it work ya know? honeslty?
theyre never there when i want. when i NEED someone to show me i can be loved.
only when they want. & i understand where theyre coming from
but they dont understand where i am. im trying not to lik..be sad & get unmotivated & this & that but i am. & i wanna go to bed.
like...i need to seriously seriously seriously...lock it up
once & for all...like forget boys exist
i want to not want them
i want to look right through them
i want them to mean nothing to me
then ...then they cant hurt me.
until everyones more mature & i wont get slabbed so much.
im gunna have to start lying to myself. saying whatever i have to untuil i believe it
cuz i really like him. but theres lots of people all over campus who have little pieces of me. IF ONLY just ONE of them would like me back. pretty sure theres...3. him, The Fallen, & asshole. any of them. just one, would do.
it sucks. every. single. time. never fails
right when i think things are about to get serious
its over soon after
right when i think ive found the one i end up with no one
& i need to get off them & just ignore their existance
all of them because theyre no good & they cant give me what i need
they have no intention of doing so & i cant mold them into my little mariennettes
i get on fb & assholes on & what do i do? of course i msg em
its not abnormal is it...to seek comfort when u feel alone in the world
but i seriously do the same dumb stuff voer & over expecting different results
insanity
i gotta get off & just. idk..go to bed i guess. whatever.
Lord please help me use this for good & take a new lease on life & restart livign for You & for me & never again for a stupid old boy.

a whole new world

man ive come so far since the last post.
things really improved.
idk..one last fallout & i told the most recent asshole to go away.
couldnt do it
whoever i thought he was in the beginning
was just the introductory package you seem to get with everyone
before all the baggage & the non-benefits start to show.
fraudulent charges & whatnot,
anyway. yea hes a retard.
but yea i actually dipped back into the demon pot as well
no idea why. i think its because deep down i know im not wrong aboutt here being good in him. or the factt that someones gunna be lucky to have him
the way he sees me is warped tho
& he just doesnt like me
i mean i could defend or forgive anything he did if he felt how i wanted him to feel about me but im not that girl for him
so i dropped off the face for both those circles.
lost my job like..feb somthing. early feb.
that was the last time i seen him. or spoke to em.
cause he is just...warped.
anyway & the other one, yea anyway.
so i just been solo focused on school & working out
ive lost 7 pounds :) definitely at my best off season weight now.
exactly 8 weeks out tomorrow ill weigh myself in the morning its been a rough week im prrrraaaaayyyyying for 130.
but yea anyway. saw the Adjustment Bureau yday & it got me in this romantic mood i havent been in in forever
&...well remember back before i met The Fallen.
i prayed for a companion and i suspected that it might be this "friend" i had
but then got distracted by the Fallen.
ever since then its been back & forth with me & this person
trust issues that seem to never go away
hes a freaking gemini & hes all over the place & i feel like i cant rely on him
NOT to disappoint me
& i just feel like hes gunna break my heart even tho before he said he wouldnt
idk. i just wish i was the one hed think of
i thought i was
we got to the point we were seeing e/o so often. i miss that
& the other night when he came over
well for a long time i feel like i could only see him as a friend
there was more there. we get jealous of eachother
but like..i just couldnt see it going further bc i didnt know if i was physically attracted to him & we just cant seem to get on the right page
but like he came over on my bday & like..
it was like a whole new person.
NO that didnt happen lol but hes lowkey beasty & we actually do have good physical chemistry & now that that hole is filled in i am like.i havent stopped thinkign about em
& that movie was so romantic. out of all the ppl i talk to i thought of him & i wanted him to come over so bad last night but of course he wouldnt. boo.
its never when i want. only when they want,
got damn whats it take to get a reliable dude around here.
sheesh.
but yea...im trying not to talk to him. because im just tired of his bs & its not necessary for me to have that weakness in an undesirable area right now
because im doing well for myself..
& if i choose to focus and not chase..
then i will go far
& yes ill still be alone but ill have a life for myself
& my methods have not worked so far.
i seen on his twitter that hes goiung to the carnival tomorrow & im irritated that he never invites me anywhere.
like..i guess he just doesnt see us how i see us so its really like..
im calling it a code black.
i think this is drama & hatred waiting to happen because im positive hes that guy that will destroy me.
...so i need to try my best not to think about it & get self reabsorbed.
yea..there r others,
ive got some "suitors" right now. but no one id consider but him.
since he is a code black
i suppose i am still...superduper single. woop lol but im ok