its a virtue.. did u know that?
anyway im pulling a partial all nighter for my bio/soc tests tomorrow
i haaaaave to b familiar with this material. i want As on BOTH.
so i gotta do what it takes to pull it out!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
psycho-strong
okay, my mind is messed up
my thoughts tell me to do anything & everything to ruin myself
eat stuff im not supposed to eat
be sad over things that arent there anymore
surrounding me with negativity all day
but its not me. its my thoughts.
so eff that./ im gunna fight back.
im going to keep music in my ears. positive music so i will think about that.
instead of my thoughts
read inspirational stuff.
stay as close to God & the bible as i can
& not give into the thoughts.
i talk to myself now.
so why not say positive things
from now on im going to treat myself like i treat others
like a client or a friend
catering to their every need
never letting them settle for less than their best
so when im about to do something i dont wanna do
ill be there for myself to cheer myself on & not let me give up
no one else is gunna do it
fuck it. i wont do it out loud.
but my voluntary thoughts.
the voice that i can control
will be strong.
i can do this. i can fight this negativity.
& i want to be better because of the thingsa ppl have done to me
so when they do see me again
they will think WOW not "aww how sad".
im not going down without a fight.
my thoughts tell me to do anything & everything to ruin myself
eat stuff im not supposed to eat
be sad over things that arent there anymore
surrounding me with negativity all day
but its not me. its my thoughts.
so eff that./ im gunna fight back.
im going to keep music in my ears. positive music so i will think about that.
instead of my thoughts
read inspirational stuff.
stay as close to God & the bible as i can
& not give into the thoughts.
i talk to myself now.
so why not say positive things
from now on im going to treat myself like i treat others
like a client or a friend
catering to their every need
never letting them settle for less than their best
so when im about to do something i dont wanna do
ill be there for myself to cheer myself on & not let me give up
no one else is gunna do it
fuck it. i wont do it out loud.
but my voluntary thoughts.
the voice that i can control
will be strong.
i can do this. i can fight this negativity.
& i want to be better because of the thingsa ppl have done to me
so when they do see me again
they will think WOW not "aww how sad".
im not going down without a fight.
Invisible
thats how i feel most the time.
i feel like an alien on a planet of strange beings.
when does it end.
i feel like an alien on a planet of strange beings.
when does it end.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
week almost over
& im making it.
idc what anyone says, though no ones dared say it to me
i keep how i feel & what i am locked in
i believe in magic. God is magic.
he still does wonders if you look, or if you ask with faith in your heart
he will perform wonders for you.
i feel like what im doing is separating myself from all the distractions
so he can mold me into who he wants me to be, not who theyve made me
or who i let them make me
i dont wanna be the same
ill keep the good stuff, and just forget the bad
i wanna be better.
i feel like my values & my beliefs in my heart dont go along with what i do
how i look who i chill with
how i act
im so close to God and can you tell? no.
that has to change.
i want people to be able to feel it. and by looking at me, know that i am holy
i wanna be like Him, not them.
my tragic flaw was that i loved people
i did. my brothers & sisters. i saw the good & felt their pain.
i put myself in their shoes, but they dont fit.
i dont know how or why, but i know im not completely one of them
theres either something that IS in me or ISNT, that sets me apart.
i dont have a mean bone in my body, not consciously
though i know i have the power to hurt
i wanted to save them. but i saw the wrong victims
i havent found the people im to save yet
i think what i really need to do is get stronger & set a good example
& grow the hell up. i cant be putting my business out there on twitter & fb
people wont look up to me if they feel like im THAT much like them
i wont b able to reach the people i need to
either way, i just wanna be more like God made me
instead of all worldified.
i feel so disgusting sometimes
&stupid..like ill never recover from the injustice i just went thru
and my name in shambles
but eff my name. why should i care what they think
those that matter will see that He walks with me
those that dont, will be handled
i will not fear man anymore.
although no man will touch me.
& i cant wait til its been so long that they notice..
hey, none of us have touched her
i dont wanna glorify the dogs and the perpetrators
but I know God will deliver them into my hands
i will not grant them amnesty this time. no. im done with that.
im on my me ish right now.
im actually really looking for a church to get involved in.
i wanna go to Lakewood but im still a little squeemish and they make it so datgum hard to get to. i want something big so i have some anonymity. but not so big i cant park. id like to get involved in a youth group or bible study.
surround myself with more like minded people.
as for me. ive turned a new leaf. im gunna be me now.
im not sexy. im not sexUAL. im not that. i dont believe in that,
actually, i believe in modesty, love.
and i dont care what PEOPLE who THINK they know me think.
they dont know me.
i know in my heart...i am innocent.
im a little girl whos been doing grownup stuff trying to find love
but forget that, i see it now. way too late but its never too late to
turn to the light side foreal.
im pretty sure its been a month. if not, whatever cause its gunna be a WHILE
i dont even wanna let anyone get close enough to me.
to even ask.
and i think i ought to tell them ahead of time so they can get out if they want
but i gotta keep getting stronger
so my will will be strong enough to resist pressure
from anyone and not be broken
i wont even THINK about it
thats what i want.
to be so close to God that i can bring ppl closer thru me
but they cant pull me further from him
i thought id take a little break from the social world and then hop back in
but..i really just dont see that happening
i dont feel any different
im getting better without them
why go back to the place of my affliction.
even though i know eventually if i do return,
God will make me fruitful there.
Ephraim.
thats all i care about right now.
family will be my entertainment.
God. school. fitness.
ill watch movies for fun. go out & be in nature. idk
discover some new things about myself.
anyway..once octobers over, i have 4 days off in a row:) SWEEEETNESSSS
i hope people wonder where i am. i hope they think i switched schools. i hope months go by & when i reemerge they dont recognize me. & i hope some people who neve rthought theyd miss me, notice a gaping hole in their lives. i hope they feel my absence like darkness around them & i hope it thickens with the realization that if they wanted to find me, they couldnt.
only like 20 ppl even have my number now.
idc bout nothin. ive got a few obligations left. after that. SY-YA-FREAKIN-NARA
FREE AT LAST
thank you God. i love this,
he has healed me
if ever im unhappy,
its usually not because of the devil child. i actually rarely think of him.
i do want to improve on somethings though
i)complaining. all the time. so negative.
ii)talking to much. i wanna take a vow of silence & just listen. it doesnt help me to talk. but it could help other people for me to listen. i think i should get used to the silence.
iii) stop procrastinating & work on keeping commitments
iv)theres only a small part that still cares what ppl think. ppl like my aunt..& its because some of its true. i have somethings id like to fix. mostly i just want to stop telling people about me. & what i think. i dont really want to have opinions. i think now would be a great time to find & finally read A Course in Miracles.
idc what anyone says, though no ones dared say it to me
i keep how i feel & what i am locked in
i believe in magic. God is magic.
he still does wonders if you look, or if you ask with faith in your heart
he will perform wonders for you.
i feel like what im doing is separating myself from all the distractions
so he can mold me into who he wants me to be, not who theyve made me
or who i let them make me
i dont wanna be the same
ill keep the good stuff, and just forget the bad
i wanna be better.
i feel like my values & my beliefs in my heart dont go along with what i do
how i look who i chill with
how i act
im so close to God and can you tell? no.
that has to change.
i want people to be able to feel it. and by looking at me, know that i am holy
i wanna be like Him, not them.
my tragic flaw was that i loved people
i did. my brothers & sisters. i saw the good & felt their pain.
i put myself in their shoes, but they dont fit.
i dont know how or why, but i know im not completely one of them
theres either something that IS in me or ISNT, that sets me apart.
i dont have a mean bone in my body, not consciously
though i know i have the power to hurt
i wanted to save them. but i saw the wrong victims
i havent found the people im to save yet
i think what i really need to do is get stronger & set a good example
& grow the hell up. i cant be putting my business out there on twitter & fb
people wont look up to me if they feel like im THAT much like them
i wont b able to reach the people i need to
either way, i just wanna be more like God made me
instead of all worldified.
i feel so disgusting sometimes
&stupid..like ill never recover from the injustice i just went thru
and my name in shambles
but eff my name. why should i care what they think
those that matter will see that He walks with me
those that dont, will be handled
i will not fear man anymore.
although no man will touch me.
& i cant wait til its been so long that they notice..
hey, none of us have touched her
i dont wanna glorify the dogs and the perpetrators
but I know God will deliver them into my hands
i will not grant them amnesty this time. no. im done with that.
im on my me ish right now.
im actually really looking for a church to get involved in.
i wanna go to Lakewood but im still a little squeemish and they make it so datgum hard to get to. i want something big so i have some anonymity. but not so big i cant park. id like to get involved in a youth group or bible study.
surround myself with more like minded people.
as for me. ive turned a new leaf. im gunna be me now.
im not sexy. im not sexUAL. im not that. i dont believe in that,
actually, i believe in modesty, love.
and i dont care what PEOPLE who THINK they know me think.
they dont know me.
i know in my heart...i am innocent.
im a little girl whos been doing grownup stuff trying to find love
but forget that, i see it now. way too late but its never too late to
turn to the light side foreal.
im pretty sure its been a month. if not, whatever cause its gunna be a WHILE
i dont even wanna let anyone get close enough to me.
to even ask.
and i think i ought to tell them ahead of time so they can get out if they want
but i gotta keep getting stronger
so my will will be strong enough to resist pressure
from anyone and not be broken
i wont even THINK about it
thats what i want.
to be so close to God that i can bring ppl closer thru me
but they cant pull me further from him
i thought id take a little break from the social world and then hop back in
but..i really just dont see that happening
i dont feel any different
im getting better without them
why go back to the place of my affliction.
even though i know eventually if i do return,
God will make me fruitful there.
Ephraim.
thats all i care about right now.
family will be my entertainment.
God. school. fitness.
ill watch movies for fun. go out & be in nature. idk
discover some new things about myself.
anyway..once octobers over, i have 4 days off in a row:) SWEEEETNESSSS
i hope people wonder where i am. i hope they think i switched schools. i hope months go by & when i reemerge they dont recognize me. & i hope some people who neve rthought theyd miss me, notice a gaping hole in their lives. i hope they feel my absence like darkness around them & i hope it thickens with the realization that if they wanted to find me, they couldnt.
only like 20 ppl even have my number now.
idc bout nothin. ive got a few obligations left. after that. SY-YA-FREAKIN-NARA
FREE AT LAST
thank you God. i love this,
he has healed me
if ever im unhappy,
its usually not because of the devil child. i actually rarely think of him.
i do want to improve on somethings though
i)complaining. all the time. so negative.
ii)talking to much. i wanna take a vow of silence & just listen. it doesnt help me to talk. but it could help other people for me to listen. i think i should get used to the silence.
iii) stop procrastinating & work on keeping commitments
iv)theres only a small part that still cares what ppl think. ppl like my aunt..& its because some of its true. i have somethings id like to fix. mostly i just want to stop telling people about me. & what i think. i dont really want to have opinions. i think now would be a great time to find & finally read A Course in Miracles.
Beauty from Pain
this is damn anthem. hands down. forever. [and most likely my next tat]
Superchic(K) Beauty from pain.
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Superchic(K) Beauty from pain.
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Im Awake & Im Alive
Pandora- Fireflight
Awake & ALive by Skillet
Christian Music. I love it.
http://mp3lyrics.org/7Urv
Lyrics Language: English
Tweet this Song
Follow Mp3Lyrics on Twitter 0
Skillet Awake and Alive Lyrics:
[V1]
I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last
[Chorus]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want
'cause this is my life
here, right now
I'll stand my ground and
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/7Urv ]
never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive
[V2]
I'm at war with the world cause I
ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't
be bought or sold
When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again
[Bridge]
Waking up waking up
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you
breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that
I will give to you
Forever I will live for you
Lyrics: Awake and Alive, Skillet [end]
Awake & ALive by Skillet
Christian Music. I love it.
http://mp3lyrics.org/7Urv
Lyrics Language: English
Tweet this Song
Follow Mp3Lyrics on Twitter 0
Skillet Awake and Alive Lyrics:
[V1]
I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last
[Chorus]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want
'cause this is my life
here, right now
I'll stand my ground and
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/7Urv ]
never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive
[V2]
I'm at war with the world cause I
ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't
be bought or sold
When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again
[Bridge]
Waking up waking up
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you
breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that
I will give to you
Forever I will live for you
Lyrics: Awake and Alive, Skillet [end]
FUCK october
worst month of the year.
hands down.
cannot WAIT til its over.
monday.
test @ 9am
then at 10am
bibliography for my paper in HETC due.
get outa class @ 230 & i think im gunna workout & go straight home.
CANT FUCKING WAIT.
fuck october.
hands down.
cannot WAIT til its over.
monday.
test @ 9am
then at 10am
bibliography for my paper in HETC due.
get outa class @ 230 & i think im gunna workout & go straight home.
CANT FUCKING WAIT.
fuck october.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Death
I am...so different.
That night, when I cried my eyes out like a baby...i havent hurt that much or felt that much betrayal and pain since my ex had sex with my best friend.
So many times Ive lied to myself.
So many times i believed in someone based on the rare occasions
and some of the things they said
instead of their actions
and the most frequent offenses
so many times..every fucking day
i give and give and give
searching for love for so long
taking on the pain of the world
getting a thank you..like...once a month at MOST.
that night..it all came to a head.
ive been a victim too long i cant do it.
something inside me DIED.
& i cant bring it back to life.
i dont want to.
now i just want to be alone.
i see everyone as my enemy i do hope that part faDES
BUT...i dont wanna be who i was.
and i dont wanna hear ppls mouths
cause they didnt appreciate me before
eff them.
cause im not doing anything wrong.
i do not like college kids,.
except for the very rare sweet people
i dont care who l;ikes me, dislikes me
i dont give a damn if they HATE me
i do not care.
and no one will touch me. i dont even want them looking at me
ESPECIALLY boys.
as of now, in my mind, i have like 1 friend.
then i have fans.
and everyone else is just.. another taker with their hand out.
family. school. fitness. work to maintain.
thats it.
its gunna take a miracle to bring back a positive spirit in me
cause im a cinic right now. & a pessimist.
allllll i believe in is God.,
so my miracles coming. but meanwhile, eff faking it.
its about me right now.
That night, when I cried my eyes out like a baby...i havent hurt that much or felt that much betrayal and pain since my ex had sex with my best friend.
So many times Ive lied to myself.
So many times i believed in someone based on the rare occasions
and some of the things they said
instead of their actions
and the most frequent offenses
so many times..every fucking day
i give and give and give
searching for love for so long
taking on the pain of the world
getting a thank you..like...once a month at MOST.
that night..it all came to a head.
ive been a victim too long i cant do it.
something inside me DIED.
& i cant bring it back to life.
i dont want to.
now i just want to be alone.
i see everyone as my enemy i do hope that part faDES
BUT...i dont wanna be who i was.
and i dont wanna hear ppls mouths
cause they didnt appreciate me before
eff them.
cause im not doing anything wrong.
i do not like college kids,.
except for the very rare sweet people
i dont care who l;ikes me, dislikes me
i dont give a damn if they HATE me
i do not care.
and no one will touch me. i dont even want them looking at me
ESPECIALLY boys.
as of now, in my mind, i have like 1 friend.
then i have fans.
and everyone else is just.. another taker with their hand out.
family. school. fitness. work to maintain.
thats it.
its gunna take a miracle to bring back a positive spirit in me
cause im a cinic right now. & a pessimist.
allllll i believe in is God.,
so my miracles coming. but meanwhile, eff faking it.
its about me right now.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
bored to tears
okay now im noticing.
no one texts. i wont text anyone.
facebooks boring even if i was on it
nothing to do nowhere to go
nowhere i wanna go
all i do is study & work
today was a wierd day
i feel off
and im sick of studying :(
but my grades are the only evidence of any of the hard work i do if i lose them
shit i just dont want to
looked at my boys on fb real quick
just to see their faces
adorable asses
anyway..idk i might go home this weekend
i been thinking bout food all bloody day. but i didnt eat anything i wanted to.
just green beans and almonds that wasnt listed but it aint bad
i know soemwhere deep inside if i am dieting & working out in my sleep
later on ill look up & go HEYYYY I LOOK AWESOME!
and that would b a nice feeling
i work so hard
and so much
i dont see any of the rewards
my whole life is work
i want something to be worth it,
anyway. ok ok i been stalling for 4 hours. ill study now
im bored to TEARS
but im trying to get the reading done then i can watch a movie
if i can watch movies i think ill b ok being antisocial.
though i might go home evry weekend just to be around ppl
no one texts. i wont text anyone.
facebooks boring even if i was on it
nothing to do nowhere to go
nowhere i wanna go
all i do is study & work
today was a wierd day
i feel off
and im sick of studying :(
but my grades are the only evidence of any of the hard work i do if i lose them
shit i just dont want to
looked at my boys on fb real quick
just to see their faces
adorable asses
anyway..idk i might go home this weekend
i been thinking bout food all bloody day. but i didnt eat anything i wanted to.
just green beans and almonds that wasnt listed but it aint bad
i know soemwhere deep inside if i am dieting & working out in my sleep
later on ill look up & go HEYYYY I LOOK AWESOME!
and that would b a nice feeling
i work so hard
and so much
i dont see any of the rewards
my whole life is work
i want something to be worth it,
anyway. ok ok i been stalling for 4 hours. ill study now
im bored to TEARS
but im trying to get the reading done then i can watch a movie
if i can watch movies i think ill b ok being antisocial.
though i might go home evry weekend just to be around ppl
PSALMS 69 - prayer for times of stress
Psalm 69
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
4 Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.
5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
6 May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me,
O Lord, the LORD Almighty;
may those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me,
O God of Israel.
7 For I endure scorn for your sake,
and shame covers my face.
8 I am a stranger to my brothers,
an alien to my own mother's sons;
9 for zeal for your house consumes me,
and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.
10 When I weep and fast,
I must endure scorn;
11 when I put on sackcloth,
people make sport of me.
12 Those who sit at the gate mock me,
and I am the song of the drunkards.
13 But I pray to you, O LORD,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.
14 Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.
15 Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.
16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.
17 Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
18 Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foes.
19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.
20 Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none.
21 They put gall in my food
and gave me vinegar for my thirst.
22 May the table set before them become a snare;
may it become retribution and [a] a trap.
23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see,
and their backs be bent forever.
24 Pour out your wrath on them;
let your fierce anger overtake them.
25 May their place be deserted;
let there be no one to dwell in their tents.
26 For they persecute those you wound
and talk about the pain of those you hurt.
27 Charge them with crime upon crime;
do not let them share in your salvation.
28 May they be blotted out of the book of life
and not be listed with the righteous.
29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.
30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.
32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.
34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,
35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;
36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
4 Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.
5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
6 May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me,
O Lord, the LORD Almighty;
may those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me,
O God of Israel.
7 For I endure scorn for your sake,
and shame covers my face.
8 I am a stranger to my brothers,
an alien to my own mother's sons;
9 for zeal for your house consumes me,
and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.
10 When I weep and fast,
I must endure scorn;
11 when I put on sackcloth,
people make sport of me.
12 Those who sit at the gate mock me,
and I am the song of the drunkards.
13 But I pray to you, O LORD,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.
14 Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.
15 Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.
16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.
17 Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
18 Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foes.
19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.
20 Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none.
21 They put gall in my food
and gave me vinegar for my thirst.
22 May the table set before them become a snare;
may it become retribution and [a] a trap.
23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see,
and their backs be bent forever.
24 Pour out your wrath on them;
let your fierce anger overtake them.
25 May their place be deserted;
let there be no one to dwell in their tents.
26 For they persecute those you wound
and talk about the pain of those you hurt.
27 Charge them with crime upon crime;
do not let them share in your salvation.
28 May they be blotted out of the book of life
and not be listed with the righteous.
29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.
30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.
32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.
34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,
35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;
36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.
anxiety
yesterday was such a good day. & today i woke up extra happy
went to work happy
but as soon as i step into the doors
it fades
i hate it. & idk why like..i could stand it before
now i hate evrything about it just being there makes me like..negative
i ranted all day. all i did was talk shit
i need to stop gossipping. forever
its going to be hard to stop again
but ill pray for God to help me.
i keep having these anxiety attacks
i dont like a lot of people around me
& when ppl just SURROUND me. all talking, or askingfor something
especially strangers
or people im not close to
i dont like them in my space and i freak
i HATE people right now
i dont want them to be around me
i dont want to give them what they want
i want nothing to do with them
ive been serving people so long
i dont want to anymore
& i feel trapped & overwhelmed. i found a prayer. ill post that next
went to work happy
but as soon as i step into the doors
it fades
i hate it. & idk why like..i could stand it before
now i hate evrything about it just being there makes me like..negative
i ranted all day. all i did was talk shit
i need to stop gossipping. forever
its going to be hard to stop again
but ill pray for God to help me.
i keep having these anxiety attacks
i dont like a lot of people around me
& when ppl just SURROUND me. all talking, or askingfor something
especially strangers
or people im not close to
i dont like them in my space and i freak
i HATE people right now
i dont want them to be around me
i dont want to give them what they want
i want nothing to do with them
ive been serving people so long
i dont want to anymore
& i feel trapped & overwhelmed. i found a prayer. ill post that next
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
ADHD
i took my damn medicine at like 11 today. 1030 or something like that.
it should not be wearing off at all.
but alas, i am hyper as shit. its so hard to focus!
im glad i prayed about this earlier
this happens when you hurt yourself or get hurt [injury]
you get tired of being locked up in your room & you want to play
so i prayed that when i get bored [inevitable] God would help me
not get complacent
& stay put. & continue.
even when i feel strong
i need to stay on the bench because im not 100% yet
im not protected & if i leave my protected place
God cant..not cant, he WONT protect me from breaking again
because i need to be patient
& when im not, and i dont pray for patience,
i get myself into trouble.
so now is a chance to NOT do what i always do.
to NOT jump right back into the fire when my burns start to heal
& NOT subject myself to injury too quick
heres my chance to develop patience
& learn not to get bored
i could entertain myself id love to go get a movie
but i need to study. this would b such great time to get on track & make the rest of this week less stressful
so i need to use this time
normally id be impulsive, text someone im not supposed to b tlaking to yet
or initiate a convo out of thirst
look for a boy to entertain me
but im trying to iliminate all thirst.
i dont want to want i dont want to need
so im giving it to God im going to pray for patience
and focus. may i be an example for myself
and keep track of this cause God answers
by GOD i will get this reading done by tonight
unlike all the other nights
& get on track so i wont be stressing
ive got 2 tests and a paper bibliography due on monday
while everyones out for halloween ill be studying
which i dont really mind actually.
gotta focus though
no time to be jumpin around
im just gunna say. theres a boy i have been thinking about.
that i plan to try really hard to steer clear of. i dont want to like anyone. i dont want to give anyone power over me
they all pretend to be nice
and what they say sounds real good.
he texts me when im not in class.
every morning actually.
hes checked on me everyday since i told em i was sick
offered to bring me soup
and this wknd when i told em i wasnt going out he offered to come c me
he found me on fb the first day of school & told me i was pretty
hes always sweet. but you know what
EFF THAT!!!!
cause they all start out sweet. hes a football player.
ill never touch another.
dont need them talking about me more.
hell make me think of the devil.
i dont want anyone. anymore.
& the fact that im thinking about texting him makes me see.
im not ready to play.
i cant come off the bench until my need and desire to play is gone.
then ill simply leave the bench and if im called in the game ok
but if not, ill go about life.
it should not be wearing off at all.
but alas, i am hyper as shit. its so hard to focus!
im glad i prayed about this earlier
this happens when you hurt yourself or get hurt [injury]
you get tired of being locked up in your room & you want to play
so i prayed that when i get bored [inevitable] God would help me
not get complacent
& stay put. & continue.
even when i feel strong
i need to stay on the bench because im not 100% yet
im not protected & if i leave my protected place
God cant..not cant, he WONT protect me from breaking again
because i need to be patient
& when im not, and i dont pray for patience,
i get myself into trouble.
so now is a chance to NOT do what i always do.
to NOT jump right back into the fire when my burns start to heal
& NOT subject myself to injury too quick
heres my chance to develop patience
& learn not to get bored
i could entertain myself id love to go get a movie
but i need to study. this would b such great time to get on track & make the rest of this week less stressful
so i need to use this time
normally id be impulsive, text someone im not supposed to b tlaking to yet
or initiate a convo out of thirst
look for a boy to entertain me
but im trying to iliminate all thirst.
i dont want to want i dont want to need
so im giving it to God im going to pray for patience
and focus. may i be an example for myself
and keep track of this cause God answers
by GOD i will get this reading done by tonight
unlike all the other nights
& get on track so i wont be stressing
ive got 2 tests and a paper bibliography due on monday
while everyones out for halloween ill be studying
which i dont really mind actually.
gotta focus though
no time to be jumpin around
im just gunna say. theres a boy i have been thinking about.
that i plan to try really hard to steer clear of. i dont want to like anyone. i dont want to give anyone power over me
they all pretend to be nice
and what they say sounds real good.
he texts me when im not in class.
every morning actually.
hes checked on me everyday since i told em i was sick
offered to bring me soup
and this wknd when i told em i wasnt going out he offered to come c me
he found me on fb the first day of school & told me i was pretty
hes always sweet. but you know what
EFF THAT!!!!
cause they all start out sweet. hes a football player.
ill never touch another.
dont need them talking about me more.
hell make me think of the devil.
i dont want anyone. anymore.
& the fact that im thinking about texting him makes me see.
im not ready to play.
i cant come off the bench until my need and desire to play is gone.
then ill simply leave the bench and if im called in the game ok
but if not, ill go about life.
in laymans terms..the actual plan
hiding. well, not hiding.
im not scared anymore.
but think of it like this.
if you break your ankle playing basketball...
1)you can no longer play basketball
2) you must break it back into place, and brace it
3)you still have to walk on it, just protect it from further irritation or injury
a)if you come off the bench too soon you might get hurt again and NEVER be able to play basketball again
-you have to protect it from further injury and let it HEAL.
a broken heart is worse. people cant see it. they dont watch out for you. no one would kick a broken ankle in a cast or knock down someone on crutches but ppl will pick at someone with a broken heart. if you expose your weakness they make it worse. so you have to hide it. & if you come out of rest too soon, it will most likely be rebroken again and take longer to heal.
the best is to cover it up, and just...rest. keep it out of peoples hands so they cant make it worse. Give God space and time to heal it.
so thats what im doing.
changed my # to prevent further injury from the source. so even if he wants to find me he cant. and avoiding him in public or private places, anywhere he might be. and anyone who connects me to or reminds me of him. & just focusing on the rest of life.
i cant see myself partying with these people anymore. why? idk who to trust. its kind of relieving to have no one to impress itll save me money. & if i like to dance ill dance in my room. if i dont play i wont get hurt. and its not fun anyway. so..idk how long. as long as i feel like..i think a month or so would be good. til my papers are all turned in and my tests are over.
fb is deactivated, not getting on twitter.
i mean i wanna win thebb.com contest and fb would help but idk if its my time & i just..its not worth everything else & getting all distracted right now my grades are the one thing ive done right that i said i would do that i might actually come thru on which could change my LIFE mentally, and increase my trust inmyself. and get me more $ for next year, raise my gpa, just..nothing but positives. so schools my main priority right now. i wanna study.
and be on track and not stress.
and not worry bout nobody but me which feels great.
i dont feel bad because they dont worry bout me and i dont ask them to,
the more independent i get and used to myself
the more i learn to like and love myself
the better people will treat me in the future
the less ill need them
i need to stay away.
especially from the boys.
until i absolutely have no feelings for the devil child
no inclination to speak to or see him
til he means absolutely nothing to me
i think the only way to know this for sure is if i could move on
without feeling like im giving up the chance to be with him
i cannot play ...
at all, until i am fully healed
i never let anything fully heal
i always jump right back into the game
im impatient
im trying to eliminate all distractiosn and let God make me into any awesome person
so im going to focus on school
try to find other fun things to do besides going out
workout
& just..live life for ME and thats it
ill eb there when ppl need me
but im not going out of my way
or even offering the milk
unless they specifically need something
that only i can give
if its not too much trouble
i dont plan on being around
im not going to c anyone spend time with anyone
got one last bday and im done
everyone else gets a happy bday and thats it
period.
ill come out when God tells me to.
& i cant imagine it being like before.
im ready for something else
som ething more fulfilling.
social life isnt life
its death.
im not scared anymore.
but think of it like this.
if you break your ankle playing basketball...
1)you can no longer play basketball
2) you must break it back into place, and brace it
3)you still have to walk on it, just protect it from further irritation or injury
a)if you come off the bench too soon you might get hurt again and NEVER be able to play basketball again
-you have to protect it from further injury and let it HEAL.
a broken heart is worse. people cant see it. they dont watch out for you. no one would kick a broken ankle in a cast or knock down someone on crutches but ppl will pick at someone with a broken heart. if you expose your weakness they make it worse. so you have to hide it. & if you come out of rest too soon, it will most likely be rebroken again and take longer to heal.
the best is to cover it up, and just...rest. keep it out of peoples hands so they cant make it worse. Give God space and time to heal it.
so thats what im doing.
changed my # to prevent further injury from the source. so even if he wants to find me he cant. and avoiding him in public or private places, anywhere he might be. and anyone who connects me to or reminds me of him. & just focusing on the rest of life.
i cant see myself partying with these people anymore. why? idk who to trust. its kind of relieving to have no one to impress itll save me money. & if i like to dance ill dance in my room. if i dont play i wont get hurt. and its not fun anyway. so..idk how long. as long as i feel like..i think a month or so would be good. til my papers are all turned in and my tests are over.
fb is deactivated, not getting on twitter.
i mean i wanna win thebb.com contest and fb would help but idk if its my time & i just..its not worth everything else & getting all distracted right now my grades are the one thing ive done right that i said i would do that i might actually come thru on which could change my LIFE mentally, and increase my trust inmyself. and get me more $ for next year, raise my gpa, just..nothing but positives. so schools my main priority right now. i wanna study.
and be on track and not stress.
and not worry bout nobody but me which feels great.
i dont feel bad because they dont worry bout me and i dont ask them to,
the more independent i get and used to myself
the more i learn to like and love myself
the better people will treat me in the future
the less ill need them
i need to stay away.
especially from the boys.
until i absolutely have no feelings for the devil child
no inclination to speak to or see him
til he means absolutely nothing to me
i think the only way to know this for sure is if i could move on
without feeling like im giving up the chance to be with him
i cannot play ...
at all, until i am fully healed
i never let anything fully heal
i always jump right back into the game
im impatient
im trying to eliminate all distractiosn and let God make me into any awesome person
so im going to focus on school
try to find other fun things to do besides going out
workout
& just..live life for ME and thats it
ill eb there when ppl need me
but im not going out of my way
or even offering the milk
unless they specifically need something
that only i can give
if its not too much trouble
i dont plan on being around
im not going to c anyone spend time with anyone
got one last bday and im done
everyone else gets a happy bday and thats it
period.
ill come out when God tells me to.
& i cant imagine it being like before.
im ready for something else
som ething more fulfilling.
social life isnt life
its death.
Once a Good Girl Really Goes Bad
today was a loooottt better than yday.
it was hump day.
a day i usually love.
cause i get to go socialize and let everyone see me
have everyone callin my name and feel popular
dance a little.
the UC, a place to congregate. where you almost always see someone you know
i heard my song blaring
i walked as fast as i could into the caf i knew no one would b there
i ate my lunch & wrote in a book about the things i was grateful for
i need some me time
some extended me time
i realize now..ive spent my life tryna belong.
tryna make ppl like me. make em see the good in me i knew was there,
but it wasnt good enough for me
i never fully acknowledged the good in MYSELF
always seeing it in others
all ive ever cared about, whether id admit it or not
is how others saw me
always thinking, no matter how many ppl absolutely hate me,
most ppl who meet me think im purpose
having this wierd pseudo-celebrity status
where ppl think so highly of you
they wont really get close to you
they think you dont have feelings
& when they see a weakness they jump on it like rabies squirrels on a nut
[that was a fantastic simile]
but anyway. ive been obsessed with having friends
being loved
earning approving
fitting in
always tryna find someone who cared as much as i do
actin like a little kid,
no. i CHOOSE not to be nieve anymore
believing something doesnt make it true
ppl r evil.
seeing the good in them will get you killed
i leave myself as open pray by being this bleeding heart
in a see full of sharks
seriously. who am i helping?
im making bad people into monsters
turning everyone into greedy horders.
its not acceptable.
ive always had this sense of respnsibility
every since 11th grade..to save the world
to use my gifts to save the world.but not just the world
teenagers. but ive been "saving" the wrong ones
the spoiled brats who need punishment
giving them a shoulder to lean on
absorbing everyones pain. so im ALWAYS in pain. trying to prevent others from ever having to go thru what i do
always giving ppl what they want.
treating the world like my child
all sacrificing
anything to feel loved. no,
not anymore.
ive always know there was a compromise
either i learn to accept that they dont care and stop doign what im doing
or keep doing what im doing & just be more understanding of the fact that they dont care
now im seeing both sides. i never though id break.
thought id keep taking shit forever,
forever doomed to be this martar, this victim. no.
cause im not helping anyone in a way that they really need it.
the part of me helping ppl, God will send them to me
& put me in a place where the ppl that NEED me can be reached.
here...these are the regular, guilty, evil selfish hearted people
they dont need to be given MORE
they dont need anyone to feel sorry for them and
politely lie down so they can walk their dirty feet across me.
i am allowed to look out for myself. maybe my calling is not RIGHT NOW.
maybe this is a stage where im allowed to grow & develop into that person
& i need to protect the heart thats going to help THOSE ppl one day.
i gotta make it there first.
i mean i understand trying to be all i can be
but I dont think God wants me to be a pansy
I asked him to harden my heart & i think thats what hes doing
i wouldnt intentionally hurt someone.
im still not evil. not one bit.
just a little more apathetic & less blind.
less romantic THANK GOD!
now i see that these are children foreal. ungrateful children that have to grow on their own i cant expect them to think and behave like decent people that some of them will never evn become
i dont have to give away my milk for free the world has no shortage of milk
& people mooch enough they take enough they dont need to be given anymore
so im sucking up every last drop of milk into the deepest trenches of my being
God has the key to a double vaulted safe that its in
someone will have to seriously look for Him & then show EFFORT to get in now
i mean im going to be celibate. foreal.
i never wanted to do half the shit i did. i did it cause i thought ppl would stay
i thought ppl would c me going against my will for them
i thought sleeping in that hospital bed would make him see that i was oging to be there for him, something a normal GOOD person would value.
i thought beiong the only one to be their for my friends bday would b good..
thought she deserved it. no one deserves shit.
seriously., i see no good in anyone now. theyre going to have to show me
that theyre not like everyone else.
im not gunna walk around talking about how one deep i am
im not gunna walk around at all
im not gunna make boys jump thru hoops to make myself feel good when i have absolutely no intention of them ever winning
im not gunna make statuses and develop this identity as this person
thoough i am going to become strong & i will hold onto that.
this is a battle inside me., im thru talking
im gunna just live what i believe & ppl will either see or they wont
but it wont matter. because in my heart ill b happy with myself
& know that God is with me and what else matters?>
too long ive looked to people for the answer.
they cant undo my childhood neglect. they cant make my parents love me
or make up for that
no one can undo the hurt ppl have caused me except God
& then once its all better, i can protect myself from further injury
by not putting myself in dangerous situations anymore
i gotta see signs and be real with myself
i dont want to fall in love
dont want a click
dont want to be popular
i dont give a damn who likes me or doesnt
cause what do i get out of friendships with these ppl?
birthdays to remember only for mine to be forgotten
whining to listen to
a tired as shoulder from crying faces slobbering all over it
lowkey jealous ass comments tryna make me feel bad
demands and no thank yous
texts and calls to wait for
hopes to get up and be let down?
no fucking thank you im done chasing
peopple make me feel more & more empty
ive yet to find someone to be able to hold out the pleasant surprise
foreal.
what do they geT?
anything & everything they want
someone they can call on 24-7
that will defend them no matter what
& walk on tippy toes as not to hurt them
all my time money energy love
eff that
i have no love
the only love i feel besides my family & like..a few other ppl
is for God. that is IT.
i love school too. kind of.
& im starting to love myself.
starting to find out who that person is.
whats HER worth.
i will never be BAD because i love God & i will do whats right.
but this whole..sweetheart getting stomped on...no.
absolutely not.
the next boy...will be my slave. or he will be ignored.
he will pay every fucking cent for the first DROP of milk.before he even gets to hear about it. because i dont want to give it. at all. never did. & im taking it back. for the sins of the previous, the following will work. period.
im not God. no way. but he blessed me with SO much to give. im not blessing devils anymore. no way. im not attracting myself to people that pull me further from God ANY-MORE. im done trying to fit in how can you be like GOD and not stand out and theres no one else i want to be like.
heartless. i might be. cause He has my heart now. its safe.
right now im mad as hell cause im still hurt but im healing.
& now i feel pretty good knowing that I warned the perpetrator.
I warned him. i told him id never hurt him. but that God protects the innocent.
& he takes it upon himself. his hands were already dirty. and he touched me.
but i am cleansed because i prayed & repented. he did not.
he gloated. & i gave him i think3 chances to redeem himself thru me.
thru compassion to show he wasnt evil but he didnt and he is.
NOW, that everyone he is close to, and he himself KNOWS. even though he doesnt believe i do.
when it comes back to him now, maybe for the first time
hell know why,.
i always hated how ppl could do me wrong, then when their karma came they just got to feel more like victims becayse they had no idea why.
this one will know.
because i was not untrue.
i did not bring it upon myself i tried to do right.
& he rewarded my good with evil.
i dont have to touch him i wouldnt.
God will. & he will show him what happens to people who mess with his children.
he is no son of God. im allowed to hate enemies of God.
i dont hate him. but pay, he will.
these words i believe with all ym heart & for the way they come to me i know theyre true God hasnever ever not come through on this.
i asked him to defend me where i cannot defend myself and he does.
im back safe in his arms and im not leavbing anymore.
people...can kiss my ass.
God...is my home. i no longer need to search.
im safe inside resting while my heart heels.
& when i am once again free to roam among the people...
ill be different.
im different now.
but only i know why.& thats the only persont that needs to know.
my requests have been granted my weakness have been relinquished.
i no longer long for love
i no longer seek the approval of thew majority
i no longer hate myself
i no longer hold my head down
im no longer searching
PEOPLE will no longer control me
im no longer their slave.
im free.
life can start now.
it was hump day.
a day i usually love.
cause i get to go socialize and let everyone see me
have everyone callin my name and feel popular
dance a little.
the UC, a place to congregate. where you almost always see someone you know
i heard my song blaring
i walked as fast as i could into the caf i knew no one would b there
i ate my lunch & wrote in a book about the things i was grateful for
i need some me time
some extended me time
i realize now..ive spent my life tryna belong.
tryna make ppl like me. make em see the good in me i knew was there,
but it wasnt good enough for me
i never fully acknowledged the good in MYSELF
always seeing it in others
all ive ever cared about, whether id admit it or not
is how others saw me
always thinking, no matter how many ppl absolutely hate me,
most ppl who meet me think im purpose
having this wierd pseudo-celebrity status
where ppl think so highly of you
they wont really get close to you
they think you dont have feelings
& when they see a weakness they jump on it like rabies squirrels on a nut
[that was a fantastic simile]
but anyway. ive been obsessed with having friends
being loved
earning approving
fitting in
always tryna find someone who cared as much as i do
actin like a little kid,
no. i CHOOSE not to be nieve anymore
believing something doesnt make it true
ppl r evil.
seeing the good in them will get you killed
i leave myself as open pray by being this bleeding heart
in a see full of sharks
seriously. who am i helping?
im making bad people into monsters
turning everyone into greedy horders.
its not acceptable.
ive always had this sense of respnsibility
every since 11th grade..to save the world
to use my gifts to save the world.but not just the world
teenagers. but ive been "saving" the wrong ones
the spoiled brats who need punishment
giving them a shoulder to lean on
absorbing everyones pain. so im ALWAYS in pain. trying to prevent others from ever having to go thru what i do
always giving ppl what they want.
treating the world like my child
all sacrificing
anything to feel loved. no,
not anymore.
ive always know there was a compromise
either i learn to accept that they dont care and stop doign what im doing
or keep doing what im doing & just be more understanding of the fact that they dont care
now im seeing both sides. i never though id break.
thought id keep taking shit forever,
forever doomed to be this martar, this victim. no.
cause im not helping anyone in a way that they really need it.
the part of me helping ppl, God will send them to me
& put me in a place where the ppl that NEED me can be reached.
here...these are the regular, guilty, evil selfish hearted people
they dont need to be given MORE
they dont need anyone to feel sorry for them and
politely lie down so they can walk their dirty feet across me.
i am allowed to look out for myself. maybe my calling is not RIGHT NOW.
maybe this is a stage where im allowed to grow & develop into that person
& i need to protect the heart thats going to help THOSE ppl one day.
i gotta make it there first.
i mean i understand trying to be all i can be
but I dont think God wants me to be a pansy
I asked him to harden my heart & i think thats what hes doing
i wouldnt intentionally hurt someone.
im still not evil. not one bit.
just a little more apathetic & less blind.
less romantic THANK GOD!
now i see that these are children foreal. ungrateful children that have to grow on their own i cant expect them to think and behave like decent people that some of them will never evn become
i dont have to give away my milk for free the world has no shortage of milk
& people mooch enough they take enough they dont need to be given anymore
so im sucking up every last drop of milk into the deepest trenches of my being
God has the key to a double vaulted safe that its in
someone will have to seriously look for Him & then show EFFORT to get in now
i mean im going to be celibate. foreal.
i never wanted to do half the shit i did. i did it cause i thought ppl would stay
i thought ppl would c me going against my will for them
i thought sleeping in that hospital bed would make him see that i was oging to be there for him, something a normal GOOD person would value.
i thought beiong the only one to be their for my friends bday would b good..
thought she deserved it. no one deserves shit.
seriously., i see no good in anyone now. theyre going to have to show me
that theyre not like everyone else.
im not gunna walk around talking about how one deep i am
im not gunna walk around at all
im not gunna make boys jump thru hoops to make myself feel good when i have absolutely no intention of them ever winning
im not gunna make statuses and develop this identity as this person
thoough i am going to become strong & i will hold onto that.
this is a battle inside me., im thru talking
im gunna just live what i believe & ppl will either see or they wont
but it wont matter. because in my heart ill b happy with myself
& know that God is with me and what else matters?>
too long ive looked to people for the answer.
they cant undo my childhood neglect. they cant make my parents love me
or make up for that
no one can undo the hurt ppl have caused me except God
& then once its all better, i can protect myself from further injury
by not putting myself in dangerous situations anymore
i gotta see signs and be real with myself
i dont want to fall in love
dont want a click
dont want to be popular
i dont give a damn who likes me or doesnt
cause what do i get out of friendships with these ppl?
birthdays to remember only for mine to be forgotten
whining to listen to
a tired as shoulder from crying faces slobbering all over it
lowkey jealous ass comments tryna make me feel bad
demands and no thank yous
texts and calls to wait for
hopes to get up and be let down?
no fucking thank you im done chasing
peopple make me feel more & more empty
ive yet to find someone to be able to hold out the pleasant surprise
foreal.
what do they geT?
anything & everything they want
someone they can call on 24-7
that will defend them no matter what
& walk on tippy toes as not to hurt them
all my time money energy love
eff that
i have no love
the only love i feel besides my family & like..a few other ppl
is for God. that is IT.
i love school too. kind of.
& im starting to love myself.
starting to find out who that person is.
whats HER worth.
i will never be BAD because i love God & i will do whats right.
but this whole..sweetheart getting stomped on...no.
absolutely not.
the next boy...will be my slave. or he will be ignored.
he will pay every fucking cent for the first DROP of milk.before he even gets to hear about it. because i dont want to give it. at all. never did. & im taking it back. for the sins of the previous, the following will work. period.
im not God. no way. but he blessed me with SO much to give. im not blessing devils anymore. no way. im not attracting myself to people that pull me further from God ANY-MORE. im done trying to fit in how can you be like GOD and not stand out and theres no one else i want to be like.
heartless. i might be. cause He has my heart now. its safe.
right now im mad as hell cause im still hurt but im healing.
& now i feel pretty good knowing that I warned the perpetrator.
I warned him. i told him id never hurt him. but that God protects the innocent.
& he takes it upon himself. his hands were already dirty. and he touched me.
but i am cleansed because i prayed & repented. he did not.
he gloated. & i gave him i think3 chances to redeem himself thru me.
thru compassion to show he wasnt evil but he didnt and he is.
NOW, that everyone he is close to, and he himself KNOWS. even though he doesnt believe i do.
when it comes back to him now, maybe for the first time
hell know why,.
i always hated how ppl could do me wrong, then when their karma came they just got to feel more like victims becayse they had no idea why.
this one will know.
because i was not untrue.
i did not bring it upon myself i tried to do right.
& he rewarded my good with evil.
i dont have to touch him i wouldnt.
God will. & he will show him what happens to people who mess with his children.
he is no son of God. im allowed to hate enemies of God.
i dont hate him. but pay, he will.
these words i believe with all ym heart & for the way they come to me i know theyre true God hasnever ever not come through on this.
i asked him to defend me where i cannot defend myself and he does.
im back safe in his arms and im not leavbing anymore.
people...can kiss my ass.
God...is my home. i no longer need to search.
im safe inside resting while my heart heels.
& when i am once again free to roam among the people...
ill be different.
im different now.
but only i know why.& thats the only persont that needs to know.
my requests have been granted my weakness have been relinquished.
i no longer long for love
i no longer seek the approval of thew majority
i no longer hate myself
i no longer hold my head down
im no longer searching
PEOPLE will no longer control me
im no longer their slave.
im free.
life can start now.
negativity
im just so mad.
at the world. at everyone i know.
i was so sweet. so goodhearted. so full of love,
seein the good in everyone no matter what they did?
now, no.
damn theres like 2 ppl i even consider friends
all i see when i see ppl r perpetrators
there s not one single person i want to see or b around
its crazy only 1 girl has my new # the rest r boys
im tryna get strong
but im so fucking mad.
honestly, its better.
everyday sucks. im pissed off& i dont wanna do have the shit i have to do
i feel fat right now & im irritated as fuck cause i went to workout
& couldnt cause the track was all fucked up
& i still feel sick
feels like i cant catch a break
i hate everyone. there is no love in my heart
i see no good in anyone
except the 2 boys i cant talk to right now
cause they saw good in me
life has become a responsibility.
all day long im doin shit i dont wanna do
workin my ASS OFF
just to maintain?
all these bitchass friendships
my fuckin boss milkin the shit out of me
& rippin me off every five seconds
lookjin for a new job
so fuckin tired of workin minimum wage fuck ass jobs
where the hardest worker gets paid the least. no.
im literally not going to class just to avoid one person
who im still pissed as fuck at
always a reminder theyre all the same
i hate bein so bitter i know its not right
its been so long since i had nay positive thoughts
since i was happy.
since i felt good.
not a fan of this person
im bitter as fuck. like a perpetual bad mood BUT no mood last forever.
it can go on for weeks and obviously months BUT not forever
AT LEAST i dont desperately want to be in love anymore
which is an extremely dangerous WEAKNESS to have in college
where there is no love
im surrounded by evil, selfish, ungrateful children
who obviously just want to eat me alive
& then blame me
so mad. at so many ppl.
ALSO i dont plan on giving at all anymore.
idc if ppl see me as a good person
idc if they see me at all i already feel invisible
& abused & unappreciated
& im not givin a damn thing cause no one deserves it
these ppl dont need my help. they need forgiveness
cause theyre evil & selfish & they deserve what they get
i know im not perfect
i get that. but i never thought i was
everyone else thinks theyre perfect
& the whole world should just b more like them
im not livin in a fantasy anymore
i see it
& although its impossible for me to be optimistic
& im feeling very pessimistic right now
dont believe in anything but God
no hope for the future
no pissibility of a reason to smile.
AT LEAST im realistic. AT LEAST they dont have the power to break my heart anymore
cause i do not believe in them i do not expect any good from them
there is no love left in me
AT LEAST i wont be a victim nowe
AT LEAST
i wont get taken advantage of
or feel stupid or BE stupid
AT LEAST i know when i finally get better
which because God is a merciful God, i know i will at least within the next year
AT LEAST i know it wont happen again
cause im finally smart
iu finally get it
& when i get through this
as much as i resent the whole MOTHERFUCKING thing
AT LEAST ill b stronger.
so they can stop benefitting off of my pain
every fucking day fo ym life
i have removed all sources of pain in my life
& once i stop creating it for myself
i can live again
& wont have to worry about a repeat.
im not the same person.
i cant say i like who this is.
i personally ..was a good person before
i didnt fucking deserve all the motherfucking bs ppl put me thru
the world is a bad place full of bad ppl
& as long as im not doing anything WRONG at least ill b safe now.
at the world. at everyone i know.
i was so sweet. so goodhearted. so full of love,
seein the good in everyone no matter what they did?
now, no.
damn theres like 2 ppl i even consider friends
all i see when i see ppl r perpetrators
there s not one single person i want to see or b around
its crazy only 1 girl has my new # the rest r boys
im tryna get strong
but im so fucking mad.
honestly, its better.
everyday sucks. im pissed off& i dont wanna do have the shit i have to do
i feel fat right now & im irritated as fuck cause i went to workout
& couldnt cause the track was all fucked up
& i still feel sick
feels like i cant catch a break
i hate everyone. there is no love in my heart
i see no good in anyone
except the 2 boys i cant talk to right now
cause they saw good in me
life has become a responsibility.
all day long im doin shit i dont wanna do
workin my ASS OFF
just to maintain?
all these bitchass friendships
my fuckin boss milkin the shit out of me
& rippin me off every five seconds
lookjin for a new job
so fuckin tired of workin minimum wage fuck ass jobs
where the hardest worker gets paid the least. no.
im literally not going to class just to avoid one person
who im still pissed as fuck at
always a reminder theyre all the same
i hate bein so bitter i know its not right
its been so long since i had nay positive thoughts
since i was happy.
since i felt good.
not a fan of this person
im bitter as fuck. like a perpetual bad mood BUT no mood last forever.
it can go on for weeks and obviously months BUT not forever
AT LEAST i dont desperately want to be in love anymore
which is an extremely dangerous WEAKNESS to have in college
where there is no love
im surrounded by evil, selfish, ungrateful children
who obviously just want to eat me alive
& then blame me
so mad. at so many ppl.
ALSO i dont plan on giving at all anymore.
idc if ppl see me as a good person
idc if they see me at all i already feel invisible
& abused & unappreciated
& im not givin a damn thing cause no one deserves it
these ppl dont need my help. they need forgiveness
cause theyre evil & selfish & they deserve what they get
i know im not perfect
i get that. but i never thought i was
everyone else thinks theyre perfect
& the whole world should just b more like them
im not livin in a fantasy anymore
i see it
& although its impossible for me to be optimistic
& im feeling very pessimistic right now
dont believe in anything but God
no hope for the future
no pissibility of a reason to smile.
AT LEAST im realistic. AT LEAST they dont have the power to break my heart anymore
cause i do not believe in them i do not expect any good from them
there is no love left in me
AT LEAST i wont be a victim nowe
AT LEAST
i wont get taken advantage of
or feel stupid or BE stupid
AT LEAST i know when i finally get better
which because God is a merciful God, i know i will at least within the next year
AT LEAST i know it wont happen again
cause im finally smart
iu finally get it
& when i get through this
as much as i resent the whole MOTHERFUCKING thing
AT LEAST ill b stronger.
so they can stop benefitting off of my pain
every fucking day fo ym life
i have removed all sources of pain in my life
& once i stop creating it for myself
i can live again
& wont have to worry about a repeat.
im not the same person.
i cant say i like who this is.
i personally ..was a good person before
i didnt fucking deserve all the motherfucking bs ppl put me thru
the world is a bad place full of bad ppl
& as long as im not doing anything WRONG at least ill b safe now.
Monday, October 25, 2010
weight of the world
i wonder how many of these i can write in one day
now you can see how much i think about this shit
if i was in highschool, or a grownup just working one job everyday
then coming home for like 5 or 6 hours of leisure time everyday
i feel like maybe i could handle it
but i dont barely have any leisure time
i dont have any time to just sit & relax or cry
i almost always miss something
2 jobs. 5 classes. trying to stay in shape
trying to not go insane alone and maybe have a few things
like..how long do i have to do this
im just a kid
& ive got this big boulder on my shoulders
its so fucking heavy like
i cant set it down for 2 seconds to rest & i feel like ive bitten off more than i can chew
but its too late to turn back
or rest
& if i give up one thing theyll all fall like dominoes
i cant afford to live where i live without my two jobs
and i dont wanna burden sandra anymore
i just..idk what to do.
ill keep praying
now you can see how much i think about this shit
if i was in highschool, or a grownup just working one job everyday
then coming home for like 5 or 6 hours of leisure time everyday
i feel like maybe i could handle it
but i dont barely have any leisure time
i dont have any time to just sit & relax or cry
i almost always miss something
2 jobs. 5 classes. trying to stay in shape
trying to not go insane alone and maybe have a few things
like..how long do i have to do this
im just a kid
& ive got this big boulder on my shoulders
its so fucking heavy like
i cant set it down for 2 seconds to rest & i feel like ive bitten off more than i can chew
but its too late to turn back
or rest
& if i give up one thing theyll all fall like dominoes
i cant afford to live where i live without my two jobs
and i dont wanna burden sandra anymore
i just..idk what to do.
ill keep praying
Isolated with the pain
when i cry, you cry, we cry, together.
no, i cry alone.
& i have to. every night every day i have to force myself to get through this
idk how else to get strong
i cant keep depending on ppl
& i need the boys to think im okay
i wont let him flatter himself thinkin he won
he might have. & it might be killing me
but next time they see me i wanna b over it
idk how long thats gunna take
& right now i really just feel like i can barely get thru the night
i dont want em back i dont miss em
im offended. im hurt. i feel betrayed and stupid
i dont wanna feel this way & theres no end in sight
but everyday i dont lean on them makes me stronger
id like to lean on someone..but eh, not really
it just feels wierd having my number changed
songs keep playin in my head
i dont wanna write articles im still sick
damn sure dont wanna go to work
1 day off is surely not enough.
but i gotta force it. God give me strength. im trying
no, i cry alone.
& i have to. every night every day i have to force myself to get through this
idk how else to get strong
i cant keep depending on ppl
& i need the boys to think im okay
i wont let him flatter himself thinkin he won
he might have. & it might be killing me
but next time they see me i wanna b over it
idk how long thats gunna take
& right now i really just feel like i can barely get thru the night
i dont want em back i dont miss em
im offended. im hurt. i feel betrayed and stupid
i dont wanna feel this way & theres no end in sight
but everyday i dont lean on them makes me stronger
id like to lean on someone..but eh, not really
it just feels wierd having my number changed
songs keep playin in my head
i dont wanna write articles im still sick
damn sure dont wanna go to work
1 day off is surely not enough.
but i gotta force it. God give me strength. im trying
not gon cry
cant find another song that helps.
feel so damn dumb.
i prayed. had a good talk with God.
i know ill be okay. its a matter of time now.
i know my scars will heal. my hair will grow.
all the damage theyve done will be invisible.
& i wont let this happen again.
it just fuckin sucks. damn.
so damn dumb.
but fuck it. gotta get thru it somehow.
changing the number gives u a brief sense of control
im still sick though
no damn appetite. [actually, not trippin on that]
i need to study. as always its hard to focus
but its been like this all this month
i still manage somehow.
i wanna die almost everyday. yet i still get up.
still go to class. still go to work. still smile sometimes.
still try to live. even though i wanna crawl into a hole
& sleep til i feel better.
nothing reall makes it better.
the boys did for a while. had to let them go though.
i gotta let everyone go. cause they do not help.
im just like..at least i accept it.
its like getting kicked repeatedly in the balls
but everyone gets their heartbroken
especially me. how many times have i done this
guess i just, wanted to be over it
but i hold onto shit so thats my fault.
i never wanna give uop. i do now though.
i dont want him back. dont wanna work it out.
just wanna wash the regret off.
get as far from the situation as possible.
so i can...feel...unburdened.
i said i wanted to disappear. these bdays are bout to be over.
so im doin it now. ill fake it every day.
& find a way to make it through & be strong.
praying that every new day that comes will be that day
when i finally feel better
but im takin this time to do some work on myself
i do too much for ppl
if they need me, the boys at least, i hope God lets them know my spirit is still with them
& maybe ill come back
but right now, this is the closest i can get to a break
& i just hope the ppl i do have to come in contact with can let up a little bit
i dont wanna talk about it
i dont expect their sympathy
i just wanna get thru the day
so i guess ill just take it one day at a time
its kinda like diary of a mad black woman.
which i probably need to watch..one day at a time
thank God for every day. sometimes one minute at a time
little by little you get used to being alone
its not so hard to get outa bed
you start to forgive yourself
& love yourself again
you start to want to live again
the joy slowly reenters. & u find peace
i spent the last 3 wks just trying to accept
now that i have, & i see this person is not nor was he ever my friend
it hurts. im not gunna lie. i could compare it to so many painful things
a stab in the kidneys
lazeration of a limb
someone dying.
you dying.
pain. pain you wish you didnt feel
victimization that you cant fight & cant defend
just..constant nagging pain that wont go away
i realize every day will be hard
i wont want to get up i just gotta do it
gotta go to class gotta pay attention
dont gotta worry about pretendin to be happy for ppl tho
pretendin to be strong
pretend smiling
hopefully i wont see no one.
so i can just let it hurt,. thats the only way itll heal
lying about it & trying to pretend the wounds arent there wont help
so ill try to just toughen up & deal with it
but i dont want nobodys help i dont want their input
just wanna get thru the days
patiently awaiting a break. im gunna try not to spend any $ that i dont have to
so that when my hours decrease at work ill have money & wont be tryna get a 2nd job again. dont want to. wanna rest.
eventually i wont need to write.
its like..going into a coccoon.
maybe when i come out ill be a pretty butterfly.
maybe people wont recognize me
i dont want them to worry
im not doing this for attention. screw attention i dont want it
screw popularity screw ppls approval i do not care
i only want Gods approval & im not stayin in places that annoy me just to stay liked. they offer me nothing
i need a break. thats it. period. to recooperate from all the bullshit that has dragged me down & all the stupid stuff ive done & just let God wash away my sins & build me back up
i want to disappear. & thats what i plan to do.
im not going out halloween screw it i dont wanna go out.i dont want to look sexy i dont wanna be around ppl i dont wanna socialize i do not care.
i do not care i do not care i do not care
thats not who i am i am not that person
i dont wanna be
im waiting for God to shape me into who he wants to be
and im separating myself from people, food, boys, sex..all my little quick fixes to make me feel something
so he can fix whats broken once and for all and i wont need those things
mental spiritual emotional transformation thats what i need
ill probably cry
eventually ill stop
then i just wont anymore. i have a headache and im sick
and i wanna wakeup from this horrible ass dream.
but its real. i get it now. its real.
feel so damn dumb.
i prayed. had a good talk with God.
i know ill be okay. its a matter of time now.
i know my scars will heal. my hair will grow.
all the damage theyve done will be invisible.
& i wont let this happen again.
it just fuckin sucks. damn.
so damn dumb.
but fuck it. gotta get thru it somehow.
changing the number gives u a brief sense of control
im still sick though
no damn appetite. [actually, not trippin on that]
i need to study. as always its hard to focus
but its been like this all this month
i still manage somehow.
i wanna die almost everyday. yet i still get up.
still go to class. still go to work. still smile sometimes.
still try to live. even though i wanna crawl into a hole
& sleep til i feel better.
nothing reall makes it better.
the boys did for a while. had to let them go though.
i gotta let everyone go. cause they do not help.
im just like..at least i accept it.
its like getting kicked repeatedly in the balls
but everyone gets their heartbroken
especially me. how many times have i done this
guess i just, wanted to be over it
but i hold onto shit so thats my fault.
i never wanna give uop. i do now though.
i dont want him back. dont wanna work it out.
just wanna wash the regret off.
get as far from the situation as possible.
so i can...feel...unburdened.
i said i wanted to disappear. these bdays are bout to be over.
so im doin it now. ill fake it every day.
& find a way to make it through & be strong.
praying that every new day that comes will be that day
when i finally feel better
but im takin this time to do some work on myself
i do too much for ppl
if they need me, the boys at least, i hope God lets them know my spirit is still with them
& maybe ill come back
but right now, this is the closest i can get to a break
& i just hope the ppl i do have to come in contact with can let up a little bit
i dont wanna talk about it
i dont expect their sympathy
i just wanna get thru the day
so i guess ill just take it one day at a time
its kinda like diary of a mad black woman.
which i probably need to watch..one day at a time
thank God for every day. sometimes one minute at a time
little by little you get used to being alone
its not so hard to get outa bed
you start to forgive yourself
& love yourself again
you start to want to live again
the joy slowly reenters. & u find peace
i spent the last 3 wks just trying to accept
now that i have, & i see this person is not nor was he ever my friend
it hurts. im not gunna lie. i could compare it to so many painful things
a stab in the kidneys
lazeration of a limb
someone dying.
you dying.
pain. pain you wish you didnt feel
victimization that you cant fight & cant defend
just..constant nagging pain that wont go away
i realize every day will be hard
i wont want to get up i just gotta do it
gotta go to class gotta pay attention
dont gotta worry about pretendin to be happy for ppl tho
pretendin to be strong
pretend smiling
hopefully i wont see no one.
so i can just let it hurt,. thats the only way itll heal
lying about it & trying to pretend the wounds arent there wont help
so ill try to just toughen up & deal with it
but i dont want nobodys help i dont want their input
just wanna get thru the days
patiently awaiting a break. im gunna try not to spend any $ that i dont have to
so that when my hours decrease at work ill have money & wont be tryna get a 2nd job again. dont want to. wanna rest.
eventually i wont need to write.
its like..going into a coccoon.
maybe when i come out ill be a pretty butterfly.
maybe people wont recognize me
i dont want them to worry
im not doing this for attention. screw attention i dont want it
screw popularity screw ppls approval i do not care
i only want Gods approval & im not stayin in places that annoy me just to stay liked. they offer me nothing
i need a break. thats it. period. to recooperate from all the bullshit that has dragged me down & all the stupid stuff ive done & just let God wash away my sins & build me back up
i want to disappear. & thats what i plan to do.
im not going out halloween screw it i dont wanna go out.i dont want to look sexy i dont wanna be around ppl i dont wanna socialize i do not care.
i do not care i do not care i do not care
thats not who i am i am not that person
i dont wanna be
im waiting for God to shape me into who he wants to be
and im separating myself from people, food, boys, sex..all my little quick fixes to make me feel something
so he can fix whats broken once and for all and i wont need those things
mental spiritual emotional transformation thats what i need
ill probably cry
eventually ill stop
then i just wont anymore. i have a headache and im sick
and i wanna wakeup from this horrible ass dream.
but its real. i get it now. its real.
Escape
went back over there yesterday
thats my family
but they are too close to him
spent about 3 hours crying my eyes out to everyone in the room
so they jumped his ass when he came back
& he chopped me up in a text
i cussed his ass out. & changed my #
ill do anything to get away from him.
even if i have to give up the one group of me ppl that truly cuts for me
deactivated my fb
& im not getting on twitter
i need a break
im wounded & im pissed & i dont trust
they can do w/o me
i want a break
& since im not gunna get one on my own im taking one
im not going to class today
i have a chem test this afternoon i need to study for.
i ought to have plenty of time now.
went & got the situation taken care of,
im clean now.
but in my mind...its just...bad.
took my heart back, heard too much last night
my mind may be insane
& i may have human sinful nature
but my heart is pure & it is big & golden
it doesnt deserve what i let ppl do to it
so from now on im giving it to the only person who deserves it
God.
& he can decide who will ever get it again
but no one will touch me
apparently hes a dog. he just does this
he uses people
he lies, everyone knew but me
i was fooled.
he got her pregnant.
curse him & that devilspawn thank God it wasnt me
i want to move schools
anything to be away from him
im not just gunna sit in the front anymore
im gunna sit in the front on the other side
i love those boys...so much. & im going to miss them
but eff it. everyday has been a fight for months
i need time to get over this ish
i told them id come back for them
my prediction...all hell will break loose
because no one wanted me to leave
& he is to blame
now he will be seen for the true evil that he is
i told him if he ever spoke to me again id kill him
changed my # he cant get to me now.
i wont give it to them..maybe later
honestly theres no one i particularly want to have it
im not going out halloween
im not going out...til i really just feel like it. i dont want to see anyone. im going to go to the friend to clean her fucking car
then im done. no more doing for ppl.
these arent the ones that need me
i want to separate myself from the world.
& get so close to God that i will be strong
& firm & immovable
so that i can only bring ppl closer to him
but they cant pull me away
i want everything i have to be tied to him
that is all i want.
ill focus on school.
working out.
dont really feel like eating.
im not who i was.
im different.
this time, God will cover my nakedness with holy robes. and armour.
no more.
never again.
finally, i have learned.
i will not give.
i will not give the milk for free.
someone will buy this cow.
id rather be alone
i dont want anyone.
i dont want them around me bc they just take
i get absolutely nothing from being around ppl. so im going to avoid them.
no one will find me.
until i decide they can. thats all.
thats my family
but they are too close to him
spent about 3 hours crying my eyes out to everyone in the room
so they jumped his ass when he came back
& he chopped me up in a text
i cussed his ass out. & changed my #
ill do anything to get away from him.
even if i have to give up the one group of me ppl that truly cuts for me
deactivated my fb
& im not getting on twitter
i need a break
im wounded & im pissed & i dont trust
they can do w/o me
i want a break
& since im not gunna get one on my own im taking one
im not going to class today
i have a chem test this afternoon i need to study for.
i ought to have plenty of time now.
went & got the situation taken care of,
im clean now.
but in my mind...its just...bad.
took my heart back, heard too much last night
my mind may be insane
& i may have human sinful nature
but my heart is pure & it is big & golden
it doesnt deserve what i let ppl do to it
so from now on im giving it to the only person who deserves it
God.
& he can decide who will ever get it again
but no one will touch me
apparently hes a dog. he just does this
he uses people
he lies, everyone knew but me
i was fooled.
he got her pregnant.
curse him & that devilspawn thank God it wasnt me
i want to move schools
anything to be away from him
im not just gunna sit in the front anymore
im gunna sit in the front on the other side
i love those boys...so much. & im going to miss them
but eff it. everyday has been a fight for months
i need time to get over this ish
i told them id come back for them
my prediction...all hell will break loose
because no one wanted me to leave
& he is to blame
now he will be seen for the true evil that he is
i told him if he ever spoke to me again id kill him
changed my # he cant get to me now.
i wont give it to them..maybe later
honestly theres no one i particularly want to have it
im not going out halloween
im not going out...til i really just feel like it. i dont want to see anyone. im going to go to the friend to clean her fucking car
then im done. no more doing for ppl.
these arent the ones that need me
i want to separate myself from the world.
& get so close to God that i will be strong
& firm & immovable
so that i can only bring ppl closer to him
but they cant pull me away
i want everything i have to be tied to him
that is all i want.
ill focus on school.
working out.
dont really feel like eating.
im not who i was.
im different.
this time, God will cover my nakedness with holy robes. and armour.
no more.
never again.
finally, i have learned.
i will not give.
i will not give the milk for free.
someone will buy this cow.
id rather be alone
i dont want anyone.
i dont want them around me bc they just take
i get absolutely nothing from being around ppl. so im going to avoid them.
no one will find me.
until i decide they can. thats all.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Sampson
my hair..
people dont know what it is
or why it is HOW it is
anatomically, human heads have hair follicles that are supposed to increase hair length about .5 inches per month. I get a good inch.
I see it as a symbol to God. Of my inner beauty & my growth
when im growing, my hair is long & thick & lustrous & soft
despite all the damage thats been done to it over the years
what is coming out of my head currently is new, unstained
brand new virgin hair
and its so pretty.
my hair is growing FAST right now.
people dont know what it is
or why it is HOW it is
anatomically, human heads have hair follicles that are supposed to increase hair length about .5 inches per month. I get a good inch.
I see it as a symbol to God. Of my inner beauty & my growth
when im growing, my hair is long & thick & lustrous & soft
despite all the damage thats been done to it over the years
what is coming out of my head currently is new, unstained
brand new virgin hair
and its so pretty.
my hair is growing FAST right now.
treading water
im naked. staring at a closet full of clothes thinkin "i have nothing to wear"
& wondering damn like, who am i?
i felt like i always knew
but now. im naked. im bare.
idk what i like, i know a little of what i dont.
idk where im going, been runnin in place for a minute
its like i fell off a boat & now im just swimmin in the middle of the ocean
so far out i cant even see where ive been
so tired i barely remember
im cold & lonely
& i have NO idea where or IF theres any solid ground
i continue to pray
believing God is there with me. i know He is.
im just tired. very very tired and there is no end in sight. its beyond disheartening
its like okay yea swimming for the rest of my life will make me stronger
but ...how strong do i need to be?
its almost cruel.
youd almost rather drown but its like no that would be too easy.
instead you just keep effing swimming. forever. sigh.
theres GOT to b a lighthouse or a freaking boye [idk how to spell that] around here somewhere i can ask directions or just rest,
i need rest bad. right now im just irritated as fuck
but i just wait, i wish God would send me an angel to pick me up & fly me to dry land
but i know he has a plan
for the first time,truly i cannot IMAGINE what it is.
idk mayeb thats the point
maybe hes letting me swim around in circles so i can finally get lost enough to forget the past & the future & he can recreate me better & take me somewhere ill be able to stay
at some point, i did jump off the boat.
so apparently i wasnt happy there anyway.
idk maybe i was pushed. maybe i fell.
i dont remember shit. its crazy. what is this?
i hate it. i have some ideas, but i dont KNOW anything anymore
idk why i do half the shit i do i just wake up
and repeat.
i wakeup, go to class, go to work, workout.
but the only thing that really is rewarding is my grades
when theyre high that feels good.
working? i dont see any of it really. its mostly just maintanance. to avoid being broke. but i work HARD & i dont see any of it.
then theres working out. im actually starting to see some results from that no lie
but even then. shit idk. i do it because its better than getting fat,
hoping that someday if i fall asleep at the wheel, but somehow manage to keep driving
ill end up somewhere [with a beasty body lol] instead of being fat
so im doing everything to keep up.
i cant wait til this testing period is over so i can get back caught up & start fresh & be a little more relaxed
today at work i was so damn tired & i just didnt wannt be there
itslike being sick would b a blessing just so i could get a damn day off
i am the only one who never takes off. when ppl are sick or they have other engagements they take off. not me. i work all the effing time
& im just hoping one day itll pay off though i cant imagine how
its a preventative thing.
i want like a full week where i can just chill not work not have school not have to worry about NOTHING & do whatever i want!!!! omg
but what i think i really need is a damn life
i need something that makes me feel as good as boys do
so i dont need them
i cant tell you how much i want to not even think about them anymore
idk. i just keep .."living" waiting to really be alive.
I know God sees me. it doesnt necessarily feel like punishment anymore.
its just boring. & i feel purposeless and confused mostn the time
but maybe this is good
maybe he stripped me to rebuild me in his image.
which is what i wanted.
nmow that i think. i remember
half the time idk what i want
idk what i need
i dont even know how to pray i dont know what to ask for
i want to go to church tomorrow & i hope the message gets to me
i hope i feel something
i hope i get what i need to get done tonight so i dont have to worry about it tomorriw
& wakeup ontime. its better than not.
idk. shits got to get better. im changing though
in a big way
idk..what the HECK is going on and i cant lie im not a fan
but God wouldnt do it if it wasnt good
no matter how it seems sometimes i know I have found favor in his eyes
I know the things that happen arent due to him & that he is pulling strings to save me right now
i know better days await me
i know
& wondering damn like, who am i?
i felt like i always knew
but now. im naked. im bare.
idk what i like, i know a little of what i dont.
idk where im going, been runnin in place for a minute
its like i fell off a boat & now im just swimmin in the middle of the ocean
so far out i cant even see where ive been
so tired i barely remember
im cold & lonely
& i have NO idea where or IF theres any solid ground
i continue to pray
believing God is there with me. i know He is.
im just tired. very very tired and there is no end in sight. its beyond disheartening
its like okay yea swimming for the rest of my life will make me stronger
but ...how strong do i need to be?
its almost cruel.
youd almost rather drown but its like no that would be too easy.
instead you just keep effing swimming. forever. sigh.
theres GOT to b a lighthouse or a freaking boye [idk how to spell that] around here somewhere i can ask directions or just rest,
i need rest bad. right now im just irritated as fuck
but i just wait, i wish God would send me an angel to pick me up & fly me to dry land
but i know he has a plan
for the first time,truly i cannot IMAGINE what it is.
idk mayeb thats the point
maybe hes letting me swim around in circles so i can finally get lost enough to forget the past & the future & he can recreate me better & take me somewhere ill be able to stay
at some point, i did jump off the boat.
so apparently i wasnt happy there anyway.
idk maybe i was pushed. maybe i fell.
i dont remember shit. its crazy. what is this?
i hate it. i have some ideas, but i dont KNOW anything anymore
idk why i do half the shit i do i just wake up
and repeat.
i wakeup, go to class, go to work, workout.
but the only thing that really is rewarding is my grades
when theyre high that feels good.
working? i dont see any of it really. its mostly just maintanance. to avoid being broke. but i work HARD & i dont see any of it.
then theres working out. im actually starting to see some results from that no lie
but even then. shit idk. i do it because its better than getting fat,
hoping that someday if i fall asleep at the wheel, but somehow manage to keep driving
ill end up somewhere [with a beasty body lol] instead of being fat
so im doing everything to keep up.
i cant wait til this testing period is over so i can get back caught up & start fresh & be a little more relaxed
today at work i was so damn tired & i just didnt wannt be there
itslike being sick would b a blessing just so i could get a damn day off
i am the only one who never takes off. when ppl are sick or they have other engagements they take off. not me. i work all the effing time
& im just hoping one day itll pay off though i cant imagine how
its a preventative thing.
i want like a full week where i can just chill not work not have school not have to worry about NOTHING & do whatever i want!!!! omg
but what i think i really need is a damn life
i need something that makes me feel as good as boys do
so i dont need them
i cant tell you how much i want to not even think about them anymore
idk. i just keep .."living" waiting to really be alive.
I know God sees me. it doesnt necessarily feel like punishment anymore.
its just boring. & i feel purposeless and confused mostn the time
but maybe this is good
maybe he stripped me to rebuild me in his image.
which is what i wanted.
nmow that i think. i remember
half the time idk what i want
idk what i need
i dont even know how to pray i dont know what to ask for
i want to go to church tomorrow & i hope the message gets to me
i hope i feel something
i hope i get what i need to get done tonight so i dont have to worry about it tomorriw
& wakeup ontime. its better than not.
idk. shits got to get better. im changing though
in a big way
idk..what the HECK is going on and i cant lie im not a fan
but God wouldnt do it if it wasnt good
no matter how it seems sometimes i know I have found favor in his eyes
I know the things that happen arent due to him & that he is pulling strings to save me right now
i know better days await me
i know
Damn near a month later... moving on
its been almost a month since we first met. that first amazing day I thought would save my life.
but it didnt.
I still think about him all the time
i still find myself imagining ways to fx it in my head
but after all this time, im starting to accept
i mean do want to let em go? no
but shit, what choice do i have?
what is all this rebellion in my head REALLY doing to improve the situation
when i cry, i cry alone
when i hurt, i hurt alone
he has no clue unless i tell him
& i dont tell anyone but this stupid blog
sorry blog, youre not stupid. that was the anger talking
im not even..angry anymore
its just...boredom now i think.
im lonely. yea yea we know, but its becoming the norm now.
& i think ive just gotten over the whole thing
i cant stay mad
i cant hold it aqgainst him
so me developing this "im right, hes wrong" attitude is a fail
i cant do it.
i dont think my reality is distorted.
he does have good in him, ive seen it.
& we COULD b good together. the potential is there.
its just what i emphasize in my mind & what i ignore that is detrimental to the goal of getting over or letting go.
i tend to emphasize this suspended world of imaginary could-should-bes
and ignore the facts
the facts i emphasize are only facts in terms of the past
they are currently untrue.
the current facts are that we dont speak
he doesnt make an effort to contact me or be close to me
and if he is close to me he will not interact with me
he is with another girl
the girl he was with before me
& not only that theyre "engaged".
this has been the case for a good 2 weeks now
it would be a logical conclusion to draw that they are happy
or he wouldnt be with her
that hes not missing me TOO much or hed act on it
& that if he doesnt see or talk to me, as convenient as it would be
its because he chooses not to.
does this hurt? um, not really. not anymore. Thank you God for that.
its..not what i would choose, but its not pain i feel because of it
it is what it is.
seeing him does it kill me now? no. in fact, id rather be around him than not
if im honest i could have found somewhere else to put my friends bday surprise
but i saw it as an opportunity to be around him
& he slept the whole time. everyone in the room spoke and we all had fun while he slept. so these are things that i am doing, maipulating the situation to be near to him even if he dont speak. the best way i can put it is,
he has my heart. why would one not want to be where there heart is?
the most favorable situation would be an return or exchange.
clearly id prefer he either give my heart back, or keep it & give me his as collateral.
but he isnt holding it captive, he doesnt want it.
me resisting the situation keeps it with him. in time, it would naturally float back to me realizing it is where it isnt wanted.
so its a mental thing. but alas, he does have it. so i seek to be as near to it as possible. to feel like im whole even if just for a while.
while he slept, i could pretend that if he woke up we'd speak. but its a lie.
so i see why id want to be around him.
& i dont care what ppl think. if he came back & made me happy id still date him f what they say BUT thats not the case
what are my issues/.? why did i leave?
1)he doesnt appreciate me 2)he loves himself more than me 3) he treats me bad 4)he wasnt affectionate enough & we didnt spean enough time together 5)***he didnt care if i stayed or left [i had lost my value to him]. so i had to go.
i went, he didnt tell me to. so we know there was soemthing wrong.
but alas, he wins out if we look at it that way,
he has my heart, hers, and his. so he wins.
me, um, im pursuing my own inner victory at least. i think.
either way it doesnt hurt anymore. i miss em. whatever.
cause my suffering is unproductive.
but i see that, if he came back, i have conditions
i want an apology. i want him to SHARE the blame with me not put it all on me. i want him to humble himself & value me. i want an exchange.
but whats looking more likely is a return
so i mean if were going to look at what would be the more profitable transaction. the return, or for me to just take it back.
i could take a passive approach. i could pray every, keep faith in him, and wait patiently for him to return all the while believing they wont workout and its only a matter of time til he comes back to me. believing he still has feelings for me. a belief that would not be supported by evidence. this is a risky transaction. its letting him keep my heart while he has hers, waiting for him to make a choice, unaware that he has both options, hoping that he will magestically just happen to pick me and decide to give me his heart to keep mine,,,which he doesnt realize he has? yea, not too logical.
i could take the active a;pproach, which i wont. cause it fails everytime. actively chasing someone who is running from you..not too cool.
plus both these options further devalue me which is counterproductive.
the only win-win situation to be created is if i take my heart back, and let time mend it back together [mentally let him go, since i already have physically, and go on with my life without pursuing this imaginary reunion in my thoughts]. this way, i get to grow up and keep my sanity while being happy and eventually moving on and he gets to keep her and not be taunted by my ..stalking. just forget about me, and enjoy what he has. and she gets him. eventually ill get someone too. so thats what im choosing.
if his roomies talk to me, ill talk back. i do like them. & if his cousin wants me to come over, if i want to, and if i am not busy, and i can convince myself that i would still b inclined to go were he not there, then i can choose to go. they ARE fun & i DO love their company. BUT i should not try to keep the bond with them just to keep tabs on him or keep myself in his life. i gotta remove all evidence. this means i cannot initiate contact with him, even indirectly. i have to go to class in all my regular routes. sit in the front of class, nowhere near him & not look for him. & not try to make it so he sees me. if i dress up, it should be because i want to not just in case he sees me because hes made it clear my looks are not enough to impress him. thats really it.
i have to consciously and fully accept the facts. and stop resisting them through thought and through deed. i have to remove him as a motivation for anything i do in my life. there is no con to this choice. either way, we both win. If i get over him, and go on with my life and he comes back
a) if he comes back with remorse, an open heart and open mind, seeking peace and forgiveness..then i can call back the feelings & choose to take him back. or start over with more perspective this time. knowing if he stays great but i dont NEED him.
b)if he comes back thinking oh shes crazy but ill give her another chance, like hes doing me a favor and i see that nothing has changed, the only purpose served being to show that it was not all me to blame, then i can opt out of re-entering the relationship or choose to be just friends.
part 2, if he doesnt come back, i wont notice. i wont be sad ill just go on with life and itll be a thing of the past like so many other relationships that didnt work. i will be free from pressure or guilt and stronger for all i went through. he wins if he comes back CORRECTLY he gets me. if he doesnt he gets her. & either way i win. so this is clearly the best choice.
at least im still smart enough to verbalize all this so well and structurize it so..perfectly. im growing. i feel wierd. but im growing.
the songs i listen to are different.
for once i dont WANT to cry. i dont WANT to b sad.
i need not worry about looking strong or "winnin". how could you win when you lose someone you care about? in that sense, obviously HE won. but thats ego. i can still live. once i find something to live for.
i plan to get a freaking life now.
everyone has one/. i think its the key to being able to have a successful relationship. cause you have soemthing going for you besides it.
so im on to the trail of personal growth.
i just had a vision of sand
cant wait to see some.[read treading water if you dont get the metaphor]
but it didnt.
I still think about him all the time
i still find myself imagining ways to fx it in my head
but after all this time, im starting to accept
i mean do want to let em go? no
but shit, what choice do i have?
what is all this rebellion in my head REALLY doing to improve the situation
when i cry, i cry alone
when i hurt, i hurt alone
he has no clue unless i tell him
& i dont tell anyone but this stupid blog
sorry blog, youre not stupid. that was the anger talking
im not even..angry anymore
its just...boredom now i think.
im lonely. yea yea we know, but its becoming the norm now.
& i think ive just gotten over the whole thing
i cant stay mad
i cant hold it aqgainst him
so me developing this "im right, hes wrong" attitude is a fail
i cant do it.
i dont think my reality is distorted.
he does have good in him, ive seen it.
& we COULD b good together. the potential is there.
its just what i emphasize in my mind & what i ignore that is detrimental to the goal of getting over or letting go.
i tend to emphasize this suspended world of imaginary could-should-bes
and ignore the facts
the facts i emphasize are only facts in terms of the past
they are currently untrue.
the current facts are that we dont speak
he doesnt make an effort to contact me or be close to me
and if he is close to me he will not interact with me
he is with another girl
the girl he was with before me
& not only that theyre "engaged".
this has been the case for a good 2 weeks now
it would be a logical conclusion to draw that they are happy
or he wouldnt be with her
that hes not missing me TOO much or hed act on it
& that if he doesnt see or talk to me, as convenient as it would be
its because he chooses not to.
does this hurt? um, not really. not anymore. Thank you God for that.
its..not what i would choose, but its not pain i feel because of it
it is what it is.
seeing him does it kill me now? no. in fact, id rather be around him than not
if im honest i could have found somewhere else to put my friends bday surprise
but i saw it as an opportunity to be around him
& he slept the whole time. everyone in the room spoke and we all had fun while he slept. so these are things that i am doing, maipulating the situation to be near to him even if he dont speak. the best way i can put it is,
he has my heart. why would one not want to be where there heart is?
the most favorable situation would be an return or exchange.
clearly id prefer he either give my heart back, or keep it & give me his as collateral.
but he isnt holding it captive, he doesnt want it.
me resisting the situation keeps it with him. in time, it would naturally float back to me realizing it is where it isnt wanted.
so its a mental thing. but alas, he does have it. so i seek to be as near to it as possible. to feel like im whole even if just for a while.
while he slept, i could pretend that if he woke up we'd speak. but its a lie.
so i see why id want to be around him.
& i dont care what ppl think. if he came back & made me happy id still date him f what they say BUT thats not the case
what are my issues/.? why did i leave?
1)he doesnt appreciate me 2)he loves himself more than me 3) he treats me bad 4)he wasnt affectionate enough & we didnt spean enough time together 5)***he didnt care if i stayed or left [i had lost my value to him]. so i had to go.
i went, he didnt tell me to. so we know there was soemthing wrong.
but alas, he wins out if we look at it that way,
he has my heart, hers, and his. so he wins.
me, um, im pursuing my own inner victory at least. i think.
either way it doesnt hurt anymore. i miss em. whatever.
cause my suffering is unproductive.
but i see that, if he came back, i have conditions
i want an apology. i want him to SHARE the blame with me not put it all on me. i want him to humble himself & value me. i want an exchange.
but whats looking more likely is a return
so i mean if were going to look at what would be the more profitable transaction. the return, or for me to just take it back.
i could take a passive approach. i could pray every, keep faith in him, and wait patiently for him to return all the while believing they wont workout and its only a matter of time til he comes back to me. believing he still has feelings for me. a belief that would not be supported by evidence. this is a risky transaction. its letting him keep my heart while he has hers, waiting for him to make a choice, unaware that he has both options, hoping that he will magestically just happen to pick me and decide to give me his heart to keep mine,,,which he doesnt realize he has? yea, not too logical.
i could take the active a;pproach, which i wont. cause it fails everytime. actively chasing someone who is running from you..not too cool.
plus both these options further devalue me which is counterproductive.
the only win-win situation to be created is if i take my heart back, and let time mend it back together [mentally let him go, since i already have physically, and go on with my life without pursuing this imaginary reunion in my thoughts]. this way, i get to grow up and keep my sanity while being happy and eventually moving on and he gets to keep her and not be taunted by my ..stalking. just forget about me, and enjoy what he has. and she gets him. eventually ill get someone too. so thats what im choosing.
if his roomies talk to me, ill talk back. i do like them. & if his cousin wants me to come over, if i want to, and if i am not busy, and i can convince myself that i would still b inclined to go were he not there, then i can choose to go. they ARE fun & i DO love their company. BUT i should not try to keep the bond with them just to keep tabs on him or keep myself in his life. i gotta remove all evidence. this means i cannot initiate contact with him, even indirectly. i have to go to class in all my regular routes. sit in the front of class, nowhere near him & not look for him. & not try to make it so he sees me. if i dress up, it should be because i want to not just in case he sees me because hes made it clear my looks are not enough to impress him. thats really it.
i have to consciously and fully accept the facts. and stop resisting them through thought and through deed. i have to remove him as a motivation for anything i do in my life. there is no con to this choice. either way, we both win. If i get over him, and go on with my life and he comes back
a) if he comes back with remorse, an open heart and open mind, seeking peace and forgiveness..then i can call back the feelings & choose to take him back. or start over with more perspective this time. knowing if he stays great but i dont NEED him.
b)if he comes back thinking oh shes crazy but ill give her another chance, like hes doing me a favor and i see that nothing has changed, the only purpose served being to show that it was not all me to blame, then i can opt out of re-entering the relationship or choose to be just friends.
part 2, if he doesnt come back, i wont notice. i wont be sad ill just go on with life and itll be a thing of the past like so many other relationships that didnt work. i will be free from pressure or guilt and stronger for all i went through. he wins if he comes back CORRECTLY he gets me. if he doesnt he gets her. & either way i win. so this is clearly the best choice.
at least im still smart enough to verbalize all this so well and structurize it so..perfectly. im growing. i feel wierd. but im growing.
the songs i listen to are different.
for once i dont WANT to cry. i dont WANT to b sad.
i need not worry about looking strong or "winnin". how could you win when you lose someone you care about? in that sense, obviously HE won. but thats ego. i can still live. once i find something to live for.
i plan to get a freaking life now.
everyone has one/. i think its the key to being able to have a successful relationship. cause you have soemthing going for you besides it.
so im on to the trail of personal growth.
i just had a vision of sand
cant wait to see some.[read treading water if you dont get the metaphor]
A little bit stronger
Woke up late today, and I
still feel the sting of the pain,
but I brush my teeth anyway;
got dressed through the mess
and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.
Ridin' in the car to work, and I'm
tryin' to ignore the hurt,
so I turned on the radio --
stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute,
but then I changed it.
I'm gettin' a little bit stronger;
just a little bit stronger.
And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.
Doesn't happen overnight, but you
turn around and a month's gone by,
and you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not givin' you an hour or a second
or another minute longer.
I'm busy gettin' stronger.
And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
I'm gettin' on without you baby.
Better off without you baby.
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm gettin' stronger without you baby.
And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
A little bit; a little bit;
a little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.
sara evans. she said it ALL
still feel the sting of the pain,
but I brush my teeth anyway;
got dressed through the mess
and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.
Ridin' in the car to work, and I'm
tryin' to ignore the hurt,
so I turned on the radio --
stupid song made me think of you.
I listened to it for a minute,
but then I changed it.
I'm gettin' a little bit stronger;
just a little bit stronger.
And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.
Doesn't happen overnight, but you
turn around and a month's gone by,
and you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not givin' you an hour or a second
or another minute longer.
I'm busy gettin' stronger.
And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
I'm gettin' on without you baby.
Better off without you baby.
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm gettin' stronger without you baby.
And I'm done hopin'
that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels,
spinnin' my wheels, and
lettin' you drag my heart around.
And oh; and I'm done thinkin'
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.
Just a little bit stronger.
A little bit; a little bit;
a little bit stronger.
Get a little bit stronger.
sara evans. she said it ALL
Friday, October 22, 2010
Growing up
so..got the call.
one of the situations was negative, got lcuky.
the other is positive.
i was so upset, i finally texted the old flame that brought it about
I just told him in a sincere way how i felt about what he did
& he responded, unlike most, in a reciprocal sincere way
thank you God
for putting the right words in ym mouth
i feel 100% better about the situation
& i got my friend back!
by the way, last night was amazing.
went to the boys cousins room [cuz i love his roomies] & chilled with them all night
he was sleep the whole time
it was great i missed thenm so much
now everyones connected so we dont have to be apart anymore i lvoe it yay
whatever happens with him, cool
im not gunna be dogged no more
but with them, im glad i met em
theyre like family now :)
what i always wanted! im tired though so ima get a nap in lol
one of the situations was negative, got lcuky.
the other is positive.
i was so upset, i finally texted the old flame that brought it about
I just told him in a sincere way how i felt about what he did
& he responded, unlike most, in a reciprocal sincere way
thank you God
for putting the right words in ym mouth
i feel 100% better about the situation
& i got my friend back!
by the way, last night was amazing.
went to the boys cousins room [cuz i love his roomies] & chilled with them all night
he was sleep the whole time
it was great i missed thenm so much
now everyones connected so we dont have to be apart anymore i lvoe it yay
whatever happens with him, cool
im not gunna be dogged no more
but with them, im glad i met em
theyre like family now :)
what i always wanted! im tired though so ima get a nap in lol
Thursday, October 21, 2010
give up
i know only time will get me to do that
stupid stupid stupid stupid heart
worst heart ever
does absolutely nothing but ruin my life
cant stand it
what purpose does it serve but to make the greedy greedier
and the mean meaner
the demanding more demanding
the cruel crueler
the selfish more selfish
the rich richer
& to make me absolutely positively useless and miserable
weak forever
when does it end?
when does it REALLY get better?
where is the light at the end of the tunnel
or should i just learn to live in the dark
stupid stupid stupid stupid heart
worst heart ever
does absolutely nothing but ruin my life
cant stand it
what purpose does it serve but to make the greedy greedier
and the mean meaner
the demanding more demanding
the cruel crueler
the selfish more selfish
the rich richer
& to make me absolutely positively useless and miserable
weak forever
when does it end?
when does it REALLY get better?
where is the light at the end of the tunnel
or should i just learn to live in the dark
running in place
i might as well put this song on replay forever. its always playing in my head
& i sing it when im in the care
it just really captures my situation
so i texted his cousin
secretly hoping i could go over there
idk if i even want him. i dont think i do
i want him to want me
damn i feel so fuckin undesireable ya know?
the drought is in full effect
foreal. i cant get the time of day
i know everyones gotta be lonely sometimes
youd think id get used to it
i feel like im running in place
dk where im goin
or if im getting closer
& for some reason i cant stop looking back
why did i go on his fb & look at his pics?
i cant really just..see us together like i could before
& i can look @ him happy w/ her w/o crying
i dont feel a sense of possession anymore
i just..have trouble getting close to ppl
& i got close to him. & his roomies.
then abruptly, you gotta change it all
still adjusting to the new situation.
living by myself, sleeping by myself every night
knowing if something super duper fun came up to do tomorrow that involved having a date..i wouldnt have one
absolutely no prospects no hope
just so so super single. which i hate. but w/e.
what can ya do. but listen to this song over & over
until my brain stops.
til im so far away when i look back all i see isthe trail i leave behind
these nights suck. feels wierd. but im not crying. guess ill study.
its crazy, when i got the idea i guess i thoughtid text his cousin
& somehow get him to invite me over
then id go over & just act like i came to see him
& ignore the other one'& like..chill
idk, show him im not crazy? blah. hes probably caking with her.
idk. i did my hair & shit. knowing he wont see it he wont care
he knows im attractive.
i think he sees me every morning. it doesnt phase him.
hes faithful now & he thinks hes too good for me,
we cant be friends
we cant just chill.
my mind annoys me when it works like this
like im so desperate for approval. attention. company of a male.
but theres only a few ppl i like, that i feel comfortable with
& its all a bust now. im gunna surprise antoinette for her bday tomorrow
shes really upset right now i hope it helps
im upset too. guess im just, tired of it.
but i know..even though it has been like this for a long long long long time,
it cant stay like this forever.
& i sing it when im in the care
it just really captures my situation
so i texted his cousin
secretly hoping i could go over there
idk if i even want him. i dont think i do
i want him to want me
damn i feel so fuckin undesireable ya know?
the drought is in full effect
foreal. i cant get the time of day
i know everyones gotta be lonely sometimes
youd think id get used to it
i feel like im running in place
dk where im goin
or if im getting closer
& for some reason i cant stop looking back
why did i go on his fb & look at his pics?
i cant really just..see us together like i could before
& i can look @ him happy w/ her w/o crying
i dont feel a sense of possession anymore
i just..have trouble getting close to ppl
& i got close to him. & his roomies.
then abruptly, you gotta change it all
still adjusting to the new situation.
living by myself, sleeping by myself every night
knowing if something super duper fun came up to do tomorrow that involved having a date..i wouldnt have one
absolutely no prospects no hope
just so so super single. which i hate. but w/e.
what can ya do. but listen to this song over & over
until my brain stops.
til im so far away when i look back all i see isthe trail i leave behind
these nights suck. feels wierd. but im not crying. guess ill study.
its crazy, when i got the idea i guess i thoughtid text his cousin
& somehow get him to invite me over
then id go over & just act like i came to see him
& ignore the other one'& like..chill
idk, show him im not crazy? blah. hes probably caking with her.
idk. i did my hair & shit. knowing he wont see it he wont care
he knows im attractive.
i think he sees me every morning. it doesnt phase him.
hes faithful now & he thinks hes too good for me,
we cant be friends
we cant just chill.
my mind annoys me when it works like this
like im so desperate for approval. attention. company of a male.
but theres only a few ppl i like, that i feel comfortable with
& its all a bust now. im gunna surprise antoinette for her bday tomorrow
shes really upset right now i hope it helps
im upset too. guess im just, tired of it.
but i know..even though it has been like this for a long long long long time,
it cant stay like this forever.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
spoke too soon
wierd mood. but now i get it
it wasnt just him
im lonely
its been 2 years
i know exactly what i want
& i cant have it
its like it doesnt exist
gotta be patient
but at least i know what iot is now.
its like you just wanna talk to anyone
someone
to make you feel attractive or desireable at all
someone who WONT confirm your fear
that 2 MORE years could go by.
it wasnt just him
im lonely
its been 2 years
i know exactly what i want
& i cant have it
its like it doesnt exist
gotta be patient
but at least i know what iot is now.
its like you just wanna talk to anyone
someone
to make you feel attractive or desireable at all
someone who WONT confirm your fear
that 2 MORE years could go by.
i got a new attitude
and it feels so good.
had a great day
idc about him
i dont want him back
i dont hate him
but i dont cry for him
i just want somebody
but ill wait.
im happy :)
life is great
thank GOD!
had a great day
idc about him
i dont want him back
i dont hate him
but i dont cry for him
i just want somebody
but ill wait.
im happy :)
life is great
thank GOD!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Better because of you
Im going to be everything twice as good as i was before i met you
im going to be more beautiful
more intelligent
more confident
more kind and generous
and reach ym goals for the first time cause im putting ME first
dont living for PEOPLE
living for God
takin my butt to church. & spending all my time walking with him
even if it looks like i walk alone
last night was the end of a long, sickening ride.
wrote em a message, as usual probably said more than i should
but eff it. its over, wanted to get it off my chest
cause i had so much locked inside
Lord knows hell use it to keep the upper hand
probably didnt even read it. probably just sayin it was too long
he still thinks im crazy
i gotta accept that this is not the love of my life this isnt even a friend
he is mt enemy
&i have to let God handle him. Period.
im going to be more beautiful
more intelligent
more confident
more kind and generous
and reach ym goals for the first time cause im putting ME first
dont living for PEOPLE
living for God
takin my butt to church. & spending all my time walking with him
even if it looks like i walk alone
last night was the end of a long, sickening ride.
wrote em a message, as usual probably said more than i should
but eff it. its over, wanted to get it off my chest
cause i had so much locked inside
Lord knows hell use it to keep the upper hand
probably didnt even read it. probably just sayin it was too long
he still thinks im crazy
i gotta accept that this is not the love of my life this isnt even a friend
he is mt enemy
&i have to let God handle him. Period.
Monday, October 18, 2010
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
paramore. sing to me.
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
all i wanted was you
paramore. sing to me.
the hardest part
when youre dreaming with a broken heart,
the waking up is the hardest part.
im not good at letting ppl go. but i suppose i should get used to this. theres nothing i can do. & i have a feeling im gunna have to do this a lot in life. i dont want to feel this way again.
the waking up is the hardest part.
im not good at letting ppl go. but i suppose i should get used to this. theres nothing i can do. & i have a feeling im gunna have to do this a lot in life. i dont want to feel this way again.
if you only knew
i know its not a movie.
the things that go through my head are delisuonal to say the least
and i doubt it even similar to the thoughts he has
if he has any thought of me at all
but i saw him today,
subconsciously i think i did it on purpose
hes still beautiful.
its crazy. if he knew how i REALLY felt
you cant tell by how i act, or the lack of things ive said
but i miss him.
& i just wanted to text em so bad
or run up behind em
put my hands over his eyes and say guess who
but im not blind
i know hed be disgusted and probably roll his eyes and walk away
cuss me out or something else you do to someone you abhor
what a shame
a damn shame at that
that someone i want so bad, i have to pretend to hate
the games we play
she has him
i have no one
but to be honest today was a good day
i didnt cry
i didnt show any emotion at all
i just went on about my day
if he only knew.
but thats how REAL life is,
when you dont tell people
they NEVER know.
you just watch your heart walk away with them
and its a piece that you never get back
thats the worst part
NEVER knowing.
the things that go through my head are delisuonal to say the least
and i doubt it even similar to the thoughts he has
if he has any thought of me at all
but i saw him today,
subconsciously i think i did it on purpose
hes still beautiful.
its crazy. if he knew how i REALLY felt
you cant tell by how i act, or the lack of things ive said
but i miss him.
& i just wanted to text em so bad
or run up behind em
put my hands over his eyes and say guess who
but im not blind
i know hed be disgusted and probably roll his eyes and walk away
cuss me out or something else you do to someone you abhor
what a shame
a damn shame at that
that someone i want so bad, i have to pretend to hate
the games we play
she has him
i have no one
but to be honest today was a good day
i didnt cry
i didnt show any emotion at all
i just went on about my day
if he only knew.
but thats how REAL life is,
when you dont tell people
they NEVER know.
you just watch your heart walk away with them
and its a piece that you never get back
thats the worst part
NEVER knowing.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Recovery
Apparently My obsessive-structural mind tendencies are effective in some ways
I am able to structurize and systemize almost any process
even processes of the human mind
like getting over heartbreak
this is actually an adaptation of my "getting over a rumor" procedure
that i developed in 9th grade
first the week of torment [turmoil for heartbreak]
-this is a week of hell. if its a rumor, people torment you & u just have to deal with it. if its heartbreak, you torment yourself. you fight it and it hurts. you cry every night and want to die. a full week.
then [like clockwork] you enter the month of silence
-for rumors, this is when no one talks to you. you find out who your friends are. for heartbreak, you dont talk to anyone. all you want to do is disappear. you cant move on you dont want to talk to anyone, youre lonely but ironically you just want to be alone.
then the recovery. slowly, if its a rumor, people start to forget and tlak to you again. for heartbreak, you come out of hiding and slowly reenter the world of the living. the only exceptions are if you speak or try to fight the process. if you retaliate against your tormenters, you prolong the process. the month of silence cant be the month of silence if youre talking. for heartbreak, it can be shorter sometimes. for true broken heartness, its the full month.
its crazy how at the last hour of the week of turmoil, i start to feel better.
not..better completely, i just have a feeling i might be okay. im starting to accept it. i actually got some shit done this weekend. & im getting back on ym structure.
i cooked, packed, washed clothes, cleaned. i felt like it. & i did it instead of going to sleep. so its definitely progress.
one day at a time.
i still want to disappear. after my friends bday i probably will.
so the month of silence is definitely something im looking forward to.
for now. sleep.
I am able to structurize and systemize almost any process
even processes of the human mind
like getting over heartbreak
this is actually an adaptation of my "getting over a rumor" procedure
that i developed in 9th grade
first the week of torment [turmoil for heartbreak]
-this is a week of hell. if its a rumor, people torment you & u just have to deal with it. if its heartbreak, you torment yourself. you fight it and it hurts. you cry every night and want to die. a full week.
then [like clockwork] you enter the month of silence
-for rumors, this is when no one talks to you. you find out who your friends are. for heartbreak, you dont talk to anyone. all you want to do is disappear. you cant move on you dont want to talk to anyone, youre lonely but ironically you just want to be alone.
then the recovery. slowly, if its a rumor, people start to forget and tlak to you again. for heartbreak, you come out of hiding and slowly reenter the world of the living. the only exceptions are if you speak or try to fight the process. if you retaliate against your tormenters, you prolong the process. the month of silence cant be the month of silence if youre talking. for heartbreak, it can be shorter sometimes. for true broken heartness, its the full month.
its crazy how at the last hour of the week of turmoil, i start to feel better.
not..better completely, i just have a feeling i might be okay. im starting to accept it. i actually got some shit done this weekend. & im getting back on ym structure.
i cooked, packed, washed clothes, cleaned. i felt like it. & i did it instead of going to sleep. so its definitely progress.
one day at a time.
i still want to disappear. after my friends bday i probably will.
so the month of silence is definitely something im looking forward to.
for now. sleep.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
emergency room
i dont want to get hurt. or sick.
id drop the pins.
grades would fall, and im already behind. no As for me.
Id be able to keep my jobs but Id lose time and money.
Sandra would have to pay for it all.
All these hard months of working gone to waste.
not like theyre paying off now.
but you know what the absolute worst thing is..
no one would know.
if i got in a car wreck tonight
[God please dont let this happen, if i lose my car take me with it]
no one would know unless it made the news.
if anyone did know, im sure a few ppl would care
i know of some who for sure would come see me
but they wouldnt know.
how would they? theyd have to know sandra & no one does.
no one would ask where i was..if they did how would they find out if they couldnt talk to me?
if i was in a freaking coma, id just stay there.
it would almost be a relief. just to have a break from life.
but whats the point. id be even more alone then. no one would find me.
id have no visitors.
He would never know. he could come back three months from now & never have even heard. id have to be the one to say something.
no one is close enough to me to find me.
who would look.
sometimes i want to get hurt. just to see who would come.
if anyone would. or just to have a break.
but i know its a blessing that ive never gotten hurt.
yall dont know what i am, or where i come from truly,
but because of this..i know i wont get hurt.
pain sucks anyway i get anough of that.
& i dont want to lose anything else.
but just for the record,
it would be pointless.
cause no one would know
id drop the pins.
grades would fall, and im already behind. no As for me.
Id be able to keep my jobs but Id lose time and money.
Sandra would have to pay for it all.
All these hard months of working gone to waste.
not like theyre paying off now.
but you know what the absolute worst thing is..
no one would know.
if i got in a car wreck tonight
[God please dont let this happen, if i lose my car take me with it]
no one would know unless it made the news.
if anyone did know, im sure a few ppl would care
i know of some who for sure would come see me
but they wouldnt know.
how would they? theyd have to know sandra & no one does.
no one would ask where i was..if they did how would they find out if they couldnt talk to me?
if i was in a freaking coma, id just stay there.
it would almost be a relief. just to have a break from life.
but whats the point. id be even more alone then. no one would find me.
id have no visitors.
He would never know. he could come back three months from now & never have even heard. id have to be the one to say something.
no one is close enough to me to find me.
who would look.
sometimes i want to get hurt. just to see who would come.
if anyone would. or just to have a break.
but i know its a blessing that ive never gotten hurt.
yall dont know what i am, or where i come from truly,
but because of this..i know i wont get hurt.
pain sucks anyway i get anough of that.
& i dont want to lose anything else.
but just for the record,
it would be pointless.
cause no one would know
abra kadabra
i want to disappear. so bad.
sometimes i want to die, just for a little while
long enough to see God & then come back. i know id be better.
people dont know what goes on in this head
they only see the outside. the fakest smile in the WORLD
it used to be real. & thats what kills me.
i was happy. i was a spirit at one point.
that spirit is gone. & i cant seem to get it back
& i want to disappear.
but i cant.
i have so much to maintain. life is a job
i work two jobs to keep my money. way too many hours. & so much stress
5 classes. not enough time in the day to stay ahead in all
plus i want an A in all of them.
no time for anything i enjoy
& i dont remember what i enjoy
cant remember the last time something made me happy
OH YEA, i can.
but i had to let that thing go.
he treated me bad. but i brought that out
what you feel inside manifests itself in your life
i couldnt have kept him
let her have him.
but the only times i remember feeling like life was worth living
were when we were alone
which is what makes me so mad.
when we were alone, we had no problems.
but we never got to be alone
& now we never will
so ill continue to sit here.
struggling to maintain.
a clown juggling bowling pins.
til they all just fall.
and the sad thing is. i know they wont.
this will go on forever. sigh.
i dont KNOW anything anymore. i live like a machine.
& i dread everything. today was so bad.
yesterday i felt okay was today was a fucking tragedy.
no progress. idk wtf im gunna do.
but i WANT to disappear.
sometimes i want to die, just for a little while
long enough to see God & then come back. i know id be better.
people dont know what goes on in this head
they only see the outside. the fakest smile in the WORLD
it used to be real. & thats what kills me.
i was happy. i was a spirit at one point.
that spirit is gone. & i cant seem to get it back
& i want to disappear.
but i cant.
i have so much to maintain. life is a job
i work two jobs to keep my money. way too many hours. & so much stress
5 classes. not enough time in the day to stay ahead in all
plus i want an A in all of them.
no time for anything i enjoy
& i dont remember what i enjoy
cant remember the last time something made me happy
OH YEA, i can.
but i had to let that thing go.
he treated me bad. but i brought that out
what you feel inside manifests itself in your life
i couldnt have kept him
let her have him.
but the only times i remember feeling like life was worth living
were when we were alone
which is what makes me so mad.
when we were alone, we had no problems.
but we never got to be alone
& now we never will
so ill continue to sit here.
struggling to maintain.
a clown juggling bowling pins.
til they all just fall.
and the sad thing is. i know they wont.
this will go on forever. sigh.
i dont KNOW anything anymore. i live like a machine.
& i dread everything. today was so bad.
yesterday i felt okay was today was a fucking tragedy.
no progress. idk wtf im gunna do.
but i WANT to disappear.
Friday, October 15, 2010
How do you get over a broken heart>?
When everything person you see somehow reminds you of them?
when their friends still talk to you
when every song on the radio reminds you of them
when you see them in your dreams
when you hear their voice in the wind
when the anger fades and you just miss them
when the good memories overshadow the bad
when it feels like youll never breathe clean air again
you can smell them on your sheets
when every night youre alone, you cry yourself to sleep
staring at their side of the bed..empty
when you close your eyes in hopes that when you open em
theyll be there
but theyre not
ever
when the thought of them with someone else makes you want to throw up
but you know that they are with someone else
and that person will get everything you always wanted
that they just wouldnt give you
when you have so many feelings locked inside
that you can never say
when all you want is them
strong than your anger
is the feeling of wanting them back
no matter what they did or are doing
youll forgive them
pride is out the window
they took your heart with them when they left
how do you get over a broken hearT?
...one day at a time.
everyday it gets a LITTLE better. its so small an amount that you only notice after evnough time has passed that it accumulates. you cry less. you smile more. just a little. at some point you dont cry at all. and you smile a lot. things dont remind you of them anymore. theyre just things. you dont look for them anymore. you allow yourself to be at peace. little by little.
now is not that time. now it hurts. but in the future you will be okay.
one day at a time.
when their friends still talk to you
when every song on the radio reminds you of them
when you see them in your dreams
when you hear their voice in the wind
when the anger fades and you just miss them
when the good memories overshadow the bad
when it feels like youll never breathe clean air again
you can smell them on your sheets
when every night youre alone, you cry yourself to sleep
staring at their side of the bed..empty
when you close your eyes in hopes that when you open em
theyll be there
but theyre not
ever
when the thought of them with someone else makes you want to throw up
but you know that they are with someone else
and that person will get everything you always wanted
that they just wouldnt give you
when you have so many feelings locked inside
that you can never say
when all you want is them
strong than your anger
is the feeling of wanting them back
no matter what they did or are doing
youll forgive them
pride is out the window
they took your heart with them when they left
how do you get over a broken hearT?
...one day at a time.
everyday it gets a LITTLE better. its so small an amount that you only notice after evnough time has passed that it accumulates. you cry less. you smile more. just a little. at some point you dont cry at all. and you smile a lot. things dont remind you of them anymore. theyre just things. you dont look for them anymore. you allow yourself to be at peace. little by little.
now is not that time. now it hurts. but in the future you will be okay.
one day at a time.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Heartbreak is a bitch
i get on facebook.
and hes back with his ex
i knew it. but i didnt believe it
i blocked em.
really?
like, if you knew half the shit.
i hate how reality is like this thick air around you. like a cloud of situational facts. if those facts just happen to be really negative, its like this thick black cloud. and you have to walk around with it all day. especially if theyre not facts, the possibilities are worse.
there are 2 possible circumstances.. that r killing me.
ill find out tomorrow if either is true.
id rather one than the other.
one is just..unfortunate but a quick fix,
the other..would be a nightmare. an expensive, forever scarring nightmare.
a memory i never wanted to have.
i realize i brought this upoin myself.
but my transgressions were out of weakness, not wickedness.
an unconscious attempt to keep someone, at your own detriment,
his..were conscious..spiteful...wicked.
there is no evil in me.
but there is in him.
& io had my opportunity to try to retaliate.
i made a conscious decision not to.
so at this point its in God hands.
what can i do?
heartbreak is a bitch.
& nothing in the world can help you.
and hes back with his ex
i knew it. but i didnt believe it
i blocked em.
really?
like, if you knew half the shit.
i hate how reality is like this thick air around you. like a cloud of situational facts. if those facts just happen to be really negative, its like this thick black cloud. and you have to walk around with it all day. especially if theyre not facts, the possibilities are worse.
there are 2 possible circumstances.. that r killing me.
ill find out tomorrow if either is true.
id rather one than the other.
one is just..unfortunate but a quick fix,
the other..would be a nightmare. an expensive, forever scarring nightmare.
a memory i never wanted to have.
i realize i brought this upoin myself.
but my transgressions were out of weakness, not wickedness.
an unconscious attempt to keep someone, at your own detriment,
his..were conscious..spiteful...wicked.
there is no evil in me.
but there is in him.
& io had my opportunity to try to retaliate.
i made a conscious decision not to.
so at this point its in God hands.
what can i do?
heartbreak is a bitch.
& nothing in the world can help you.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
when it sinks in
Beruria. Talked to her ex, he made her feel better.
But it still hurts.
Thought he was an angel, he wasnt.
You know, you can "get mad" and talk tough like screw him, screw her, i dont need that. & list what theyre missing. say what you wish you thought.
but when youre done talking. the silence leaves space for the truth.
and you are confronted with reality.
it really happened.
youre alone. hes with her.
betrayed.
& no one and nothing can relieve you. only time.
its gunna be a while.
But it still hurts.
Thought he was an angel, he wasnt.
You know, you can "get mad" and talk tough like screw him, screw her, i dont need that. & list what theyre missing. say what you wish you thought.
but when youre done talking. the silence leaves space for the truth.
and you are confronted with reality.
it really happened.
youre alone. hes with her.
betrayed.
& no one and nothing can relieve you. only time.
its gunna be a while.
everybody plays the fool
have you ever cried.. like when you were a kid
& no matter how hard you try you cant breathe
& all the pain in your heart that you carry from day to day
spills out onto your face like water behind a dam
have you ever cried so much
that you wake up with acne
and you feel so ugly.
have you ever literally felt your heart
being pulled out of your chest w/ the same hands youre dying to hold
or offered it to those hands, and had them slap it to the ground
have you ever been told to drink bleach
by someone for whom you would do so to save them from a similar fate
have you ever put on a song you knew would make it worse
and just let it come down like rain
have you ever just wanted to die
because no matter how much you have to look forward to
you cant see past the iron wall of pain
all you can do is feel
and while youre too weak to fight
someone you love and would die for is trying to kill you
no that would be too kind
they just want to torture you
slowly and let you stand outside your body and watch
its like having a limb ripped off
have you ever cried so hard.
you feel the old you hit the ground with the tears
& you look in the mirror and see someone else
someone new someone hard
have you ever cried the last tear
you will ever cry.
have you ever cried that hard.
& no matter how hard you try you cant breathe
& all the pain in your heart that you carry from day to day
spills out onto your face like water behind a dam
have you ever cried so much
that you wake up with acne
and you feel so ugly.
have you ever literally felt your heart
being pulled out of your chest w/ the same hands youre dying to hold
or offered it to those hands, and had them slap it to the ground
have you ever been told to drink bleach
by someone for whom you would do so to save them from a similar fate
have you ever put on a song you knew would make it worse
and just let it come down like rain
have you ever just wanted to die
because no matter how much you have to look forward to
you cant see past the iron wall of pain
all you can do is feel
and while youre too weak to fight
someone you love and would die for is trying to kill you
no that would be too kind
they just want to torture you
slowly and let you stand outside your body and watch
its like having a limb ripped off
have you ever cried so hard.
you feel the old you hit the ground with the tears
& you look in the mirror and see someone else
someone new someone hard
have you ever cried the last tear
you will ever cry.
have you ever cried that hard.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Good Girl Gone Bad Part 2
it must be me. if i keep fallin for the same shit.
i think my standards are too low.
but this one milked me like a cow
had me feelin bad
when i spoiled his bitch ass
& did everything i could
put my ego aside, to make it work
but its all good.
ill let him have the W.
but it aint a L for me.
& im thru like..he told me i should b cocky like him.
never that, but i can def. gate my community if u know what im sayin.
make it so that no one gets that close.
i just pray God hardens my heart so no one but THAT one can enter.
damn SHO wont be him. "him". *spits* disgusting.
arrogance. selfishness.
honestly, only a BITCH would yell at a crying female, who did nothing wrong.
no heart, no conscience. an angry empty soul.
im not a saint/. im not perfect. but im a good ass gf
& he wasnt even my bf.
all i have to say is no more. back to the motto.
back to that. gated community.
swag officially turned on. no bullshit.
im tired of lowering myself to be one of these people.
i cant blend in even when i try. so im done trying.
im gunna swag it out, more than ever. because i can.
im sure God wont get mad at me for embracing the traits hes blessed me w/ instead of trying to hide them to be "normal". no.
you want to see higher standards? you got it bro.
take a good look. foreal. at the mess you think you left behind
i think youll find your "drama" follows u wherever u go.
you cant blame it on other ppl, especially not me,
& no ones gunna chase you forever.
have the things you identify with mean nothing.
youre not irreplacable. & youre not fly.
you treat me like shit. so i can easily replace you with someone who doesnt.
that will be fly.
& believe that you will lay in the bed youve made. it will be empty on my side.
i think my standards are too low.
but this one milked me like a cow
had me feelin bad
when i spoiled his bitch ass
& did everything i could
put my ego aside, to make it work
but its all good.
ill let him have the W.
but it aint a L for me.
& im thru like..he told me i should b cocky like him.
never that, but i can def. gate my community if u know what im sayin.
make it so that no one gets that close.
i just pray God hardens my heart so no one but THAT one can enter.
damn SHO wont be him. "him". *spits* disgusting.
arrogance. selfishness.
honestly, only a BITCH would yell at a crying female, who did nothing wrong.
no heart, no conscience. an angry empty soul.
im not a saint/. im not perfect. but im a good ass gf
& he wasnt even my bf.
all i have to say is no more. back to the motto.
back to that. gated community.
swag officially turned on. no bullshit.
im tired of lowering myself to be one of these people.
i cant blend in even when i try. so im done trying.
im gunna swag it out, more than ever. because i can.
im sure God wont get mad at me for embracing the traits hes blessed me w/ instead of trying to hide them to be "normal". no.
you want to see higher standards? you got it bro.
take a good look. foreal. at the mess you think you left behind
i think youll find your "drama" follows u wherever u go.
you cant blame it on other ppl, especially not me,
& no ones gunna chase you forever.
have the things you identify with mean nothing.
youre not irreplacable. & youre not fly.
you treat me like shit. so i can easily replace you with someone who doesnt.
that will be fly.
& believe that you will lay in the bed youve made. it will be empty on my side.
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