the lost girl

well.
i guess this is my journey "finding myself"
started reading the power of now
that book helps,
but i think i need to read it a l,ot more to remember it & actually become conscious when it counts
it seems i have a natural inclination to be upset instead
last week was horrible
it all came to a boiling point on saturday night
the day was just so effing slow
& id been having a bad week anyway
(i stayed..for an update from last time)
& i was watching this video girl on la ink
and i was like thaTs something i never want to be
& Garrisen was like
"its basically the same thing you do"
and that eventually turned into an argument
now that i think about it he made me not want to be a model anymore
lately ive been leaning more towards tattoo modeling
ive already got a couple girls im obsessed with
def need to stop doing that
i think i just really l;ike ppl who seem to know who they are
cause i dont
so i was going to get this abck tattoo
now ive taken in a design for a half sleeve! its awesome
bnefore i die ill probably have 2 full sleeves
i like the way it looks. always have loved tattoos
& im tired of not getting them
i showed my mom the blue jay and magnolias i was gunna get
that i spent all this time
on
and she was like "unsavory things like thug, and gold teeth that dont apply to you come to mind".
and i decided im sorry but im not getting any tattoos to memorialize a family that doesnt believe in color
i love em but ive always felt like an alien
i can never really be myself
one day i will be
around them
but for now. i just realize dim so sick of being invisible
no one ever cares about how i look
my talents
nothings ever good enough
& ya know what? I think it is
i posted a video of me singing SO GOOD on fb...and not one person watched it.
(i just reposted)
& i realized. ive been invisible all my life
SCREAMING FOR ATTENTION
people wont give it to me,
i only do stuff and go places so i can take pictures
i live my life vicariously thru who i think people will appreciate me being
never have they ever
aoppreciated that
i liked me better when i didnt care if anyone liked me or hated me
i was 100% fine to be all by myself
sick of being nice
i mean i basically am by myself other than garrisen and im fine
so why do i actlike i care
wanting people to like me
i need to effing ignore others and worry about me
stop tryna be famous & do what i wanna do
i want tattoos so im gunna get them
otherwise.
idk what i want
i know how i wanna look.idk if im willing to take the time to do it for me
but i might
i need more slef esteem
garrisen said something so true "you need to stop thinkling everyone is better than you cause theyre not" and hes right
so ive been drawing. trying to just...use my talents
idk what im gunna be when i groiw up and that scares the crap out of me but i can at least enjoy life right now celebrating myself
i need to just start doing that.
today he tried to.
anmd i didnt want to,.
and that caused an issue.
im going to try to chaNGE MY pill cause i never want to. and i think thats why
im sick of having to do crap i dont want to do it just feels like an interruption in my day so id rather just want to
i do enough crap i dont want to do
the only thing i can think of now that i do like to do
is watching scary movies
& training for triathlon
of all the sports i love swimming the most
im actually getting in pretty good shape. still have the belly & some underbooty that sometimes i think will never go zaway but if i keep training hard & eating well, it ought to eventually
id still LOVE to be an athlete. i could do that for fun just to enjoy competition
the other night i swam 1500m in 40 minutes! im getting so much better!
& i got on the bike after that & then ran 2.66 miles for the first time. awesome! i was so proud of myself i pushed through the shin splints and they went away and i didnt struggle that much. im getting a lot better!
i know evenetually thatll pay off so maybe i can emerse myself in that for now,
when i get my tats (which because of stupid boyfriends boyfriends graduation) i had to move to effing monday, i wont be able to swim for a while. ill keep swimming this week & then ill have to focus mostly on running & biking. im just hoping i actually get a bike for christmas and find somewhere to ride it.
idk i just wanna enjoy life again. i guess knowing what i wanted to do with my life was such a big part of me
i need to just feel secure that i am ok right now and am going to stay where im at.
& just enjoy what i can on the side without spending too much money.
and ill just keep praying for God to give me confidence and help me build up some self esteem and belief in myself
my faith has suffered the most out of evcerything.
but yea
so i just...want to learn more about myself and be fully that
so far ive learned that yea scary movies are my favorites and my creative interest is kind of dark
but im getting my tattoo to remind me that my creativity is beautiful and to never be afraid to show my colors.
& i can continue to decorate myself that way.
style-wise there are styles i like that i think I'd look good in. but the easiest style for me is like...graphic tees, skinny jeans, and sneakers, with hair accessories or something. hot topic type stuff. i dont feel as comfortable in the prissy stuff. i really miss my boots and i think its so wrong that randall freaking threw them off the datgum balcony. not cool at all.
i want them :(
but yes & i do like modeling
but more like...i wanna be like victorias secret model with tats
i dont have that body yet but its there
id have to be very lean
but yea
i like dark stuff. creative stuff. dominatrix type stuff
i need to rediscover my inner badass cause it was there,
i just didnt wanna be mean ya know
and being with his has not been good for my self esteem or my self-ness at all
but now im just gunna have to be me anyway no matter what anyone thinks or says i should be i dont care
i wanna be me
they can kiss it
i like black,
and a lot of rings
not so much bracelets
and fingernail polish
and big hair&
darkmakeup with light eyes
i like how my eyes look with dark makeup
i just wanna be comfortable
but now i know i do like to dance, etc.
& there is a fashionista in me for occasions of such
but for the most part,
im a rock-girl at heart
& my signature is the heart. there's got to be broken hearts everywhere.
thats just...my fascination
my style is a little risque and off but i like that & i dont want to change i just want to be me
i feel like i just heard a dog get killed..
no its okay good
anyway.
yea so...im ready to start exploring myself seeing what i like
i know my favorite band is three days grace
Neil Jou offered to shoot with me
after i get the tatts i want im down
maybe submit to some tat mags
but other than that im like..i had deactivated my fb
and i find thatg helps
i need to get away from people & closer to myself.
so yea so far all i know is the kind of music i like, & the colors & styles i like, a little bit of everything, how i like to look, i know what i believe is right & wrong. working on standing up for that. still gotta wear away this fluffy layer.
know i like hearts & emotion & still have something to say about depression.
i know i dont like to be pushed around or told what to do. i like tattoos and the color black and wierd hair. i also have a girly side. so so far im a mix
i know i like to train for triathlons. not big on weights anymore.
i love to run and bike and especially swim. that is just the funnest part of my life
other than that..im still finding myself out.
God please help me with this

the loselose situation

i basically feel like im in a relationship
that i know is gunna end
i dont wanna be alone again. i dont want to be miserable everyday with no one to rely on no mutual relationships and just..up & down trying to find something to entertain myself til i find a reason to wakeup
the only thing is this world that has ever filled the hole is a boyfriend
i dont want to be single
i just want someone who brings me up not down
who loves me and everything about me and doesnt just think i should be more like them
i really dont like who ive become and i dont feel appreciated
i dont believe he loves me anymore
he just wants to possess me.
he thinks he loves me. he really does
but hes disrespectful toward all women & i see it in his father too so i know it wont change
he makes promises but this weekend i saw that nothing has changed
he sees so issue with him being controlling
i hate it. i dont want to have to keep things from someone because they wont understand it
i want someone openminded
idk what i deserve idk how relationships are supposed to be but i know i dont wanna be his little bitch excuse my language
i don t wanna be like his step mom just..bossed around and talked down to
i dont really look forward to the thought of those being my in laws anyway
one of his aunts is so rude she makes fun of me and makes it look like a joke
im tired of those ppl.
maybe i need to date outside my race. shit or the other side of my race just so i can know that there are formalities and a freaking code of behavior in how you treat people
you are supposed to be NICE.
& i would justlike..a free spirit like me. or heck if theyre not fine but like someone that doesnt try to cage me in instead of them opening up
so i stay in this relationship that my heart is no longer in
because the break up is gunna be so bad and im just waiting for it to happen.
im gunna have to retake on all the financial reponsibilities live in an expensive apartment go back to being broke.
nothing to do on weekends being desparate for company yet trying to hide it. watching movies and reading books so i dont feel so alone.
having to listen to people talk about their relationships and try not to get depressed
goping back to basuically everyday trying not to be depressed
i feel like im no one when no one loves me
i just need to know that im loved by someone then everyone else is dealable withable
lately it just seems like people are so awful.
ive let too much show and my confidence has really dropped. im just praying i dont fall into a low.
i couldnt even workout today. i really dont like lifting weights anymore and there were too many ppl there i just didnt want to.
i want someone who wants me to be happy
who cares about the things i do and shares some interests besides the gym and doesnt act like every freaking thing i do is stupid
like what i wear is stupid (opposite from him)
what i listen to
the type of movies i like
the things i like to go out and do
the fact that i like to be social
being nervous about meeting ppls parents? i mean why doesnt he give a damn about my parents
hes like super self righteous judgemental and narcissistic.
i dont want another freaking ex and i have a feeling like..its just downhill.
i dont even want him to come home because its gunna be really hard for me to pretend to be happy to see him. i want to get away from him for a while.
idk what to do. God pleaseplease please pleaSe hear my prayer and guide me in the right direction. help me deal appropriately with all this anger and somehow just help m e get through this. i dont know what to do.

Sometimes beginnings arent so simple...sometimes goodbyes the only way

i dont even really wanna think about the future right now. at all.
i left the apartment. packed all my stuff & left a note.
theres such a long list of why i cant even go into it
mostly just hes controlling & selfish & he puts his wants before my feelings
hes 100% willing to let me be uncomfortable so he can satisfy his endless lust.
been sick for 6 months and he doesnt even care.
i cant go back. as bad as iu want to
im trying not to let him see that i want to. but i really do,
i was just listening to his voicemails and hes over here crying hard
begging me to come back apologizing
theres like 6
i know he thinks he loves me but he just thinks im his possession
its not true love because true love is unselfish is just egoic attachment
on both our parts
i dont want to be single again at all
even though i know God will help me get through it. i just feel like..
i wish it wasnt true.
i dont want to be at sandras
it doesnt feel like home
i dont want to like..be thinking about him all the time
knowing i just wanna go back but cant
i dont want this at all
i wish he had common sense and would just be normal
like the one guy i find now i have to walk away from
i cant even focus i just wanna go home & like..hug him and be with him
and just..i hate this.
and i for sure dont want to do anything
not type stupid articles and school work,
thats what im supposed to be doing
and he just keeps calling
i listen to the voicemails just to hear his voice
hes called me 8 times. 2 more voicemails.
idk wtf im supposed to do. without him its back to the motions. just..school, work, force myself to workout.
thats it. sigh, God help me please cause all i wanna do is leave & go to him right now.

crap day

idk as day went on i just got more & more depressed. i got my articles done
and if i keep watching videos ill have my classes done
idk whats bothering me
i guess its just that im physically hungry & dont want to eat
& i keep thinking about this diet & im struggling already on day 2
i shouldnt be thinking about the 4 days i have left, or possibly like 12 if i were to do the 2 wk thing. it was easier at work there was good tasting meat there.
there is none here and im so sick of every type of meat thats good for me. tomorrow im going to just get a burrito bowl. idk.
im just frustrated
because i see my friend doing so well
and im still so mad about that i need to really just stop
and im looking at these photogs like oh lets do another photoshoot
why? i cant keep pretending to look good for long
i dont look like my pics at all
& i want to freaking fix it but i cant find a plan to save my life! i mean no carbs at all for 2 wks would b good because it would kill my yeast & maybe alleviate that horrible problem for the first time in 6 months. but if its not yeast then theres no reason
& i just always second guess like is this even gunna work is it worth it
my head is fuzzy, im tired of looking at this computer screen. i dont know which workout plan to follow.
idk. i need to find foods that i like. more dark meat i guess cause im not a fan at all of white meat anymore.
idk what to do. how can i be a fitness model if i hate meat.
part of me wants to freaking delete all my crap & disappear so people forget about that part of me
the other half just wants to hurry up & lose weight & lookgood already so i can freaking be on a maintanance diet & live happily. i was looking forward to eating what i want on saturday but i dont wanna do that & then this crap not even work.
im confused on what i should b doing.
i move around a lot and am surrounded by a lot more people to b doing this
i really really with all my heart wish i didnt find a way to be miserable on any diet ever
i really think i need to go back to the lose it! app because that was just a lot easier & more satisfying but im sick to death of looking the exact same & working out for no reason & i want to lose the weight for good and be done with this.
im just tired.
i dont want to do anymore work.
but i feel paralyzed i dont want to like..go to sleep. i dont want to workout i dont want to move i dont want Garrisen around me i just want to..idk,
maybe i should go back to the lose it! app. but what am i gunna eat tomorrow. there should be no reason for me to go over. & i could just go back to doing my workout and then the cardio after & id have energy. because this ketosis is putting me in a bad mood & making me like...not want Garrisen touching me & not want to like..do anything. Idk maybe I should wait til the fourth day to make a decision.
because on the 4th day your metabolism is supposed to really kick into ketosis & then you start to feel better because your body adjusts.
im gunna try to stick it out. maybe just go buy some fattening junk crap tomorrow as long as its not carby & then just try my best to stick it out
right now im irritable & i dont like it
i have a job where i cant afford to be irritable because im going to be surrounded by irritating people all day and i just dont like this version of myself.
also, i have an amazing boyfriend who is so sweet to me & loves me to death & does not deserve to be treated badly because of my choice of diet
so i will pray that God helps me through this. Its a positive decision for my career & my health. But idk if i can keep a good mood.I need to have food that I like. Maybe I'll go shopping in the morning. research some keto recipes right now.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Maybe itll pay off.

procrastinator

I need to buy that book. Even now Im procrastinating.
Its like..I cant do anything til the last minute. i never want to do anything but just chill w/ Garrisen, plan random stuff for the future, & like..watch movies or just google random stuff.
iu feel like i just wanna live in my own world & not do anything productive. especially not school. Im so behind. i have a paper due in two weeks that I dont even know how to write. online classes are hard because you have to be a self starter and i struggle with that
i wanted to start getting uo early & doing work til a certain time like i had school monday & friday but dang i always have an appointment or something to freaking do on those days. i cant wait til next weekend we're going to dallas. i need to make sure all my work is done before we leave because i dont want to do any of it while im there
its like i wish i could just work and worry about that and then free time would really be free time instead of "ok now time to do everything else" time.
and there salwyas so much because i choose to pretend its actually free time and the work i didnt do is just habing over my head,
right now i feel really fat.
i was supposed to start a new diet yday & new workout plan but i didnt workout yday & im not working out today so i feel like im not going to make any progress and its annoying. i wanted to wakeup at like 10 today and go to the gym at 11 but i didnt wake up til 12 & went to work at 130. nothing. most unproductive day ever even at work. i dont have my meds i have to make a stupid appt to see the datgum psychiatrist just to get a freaking perscription.
i dont want to see them. i want my meds.
so its been about 3 wks that i havent had my concerta. really really wack.
i think having it will surely help,
im supposed to be doing work right now. i just wish i didnt have to do it
writing freaking articles
and school.
just annoying
food helps.
and so does spending money. so just keep doing that,
its hard to diet when you feel so fat but i guess thats the point.
i feel horrible about myself lately i bought some new makeup trying to feel pretty but i still feel ugly inside. went to church on sunday and could barely pay attentione even though the message was good,
ill kep praying. i really need help cause im low down

good for a while, then questionable again

at first, i actually thought it was him holding me back
but now im feeling crazy and im leaning on him again
all i wanna do is be with him
nothing else helps i just like feeling his warm skin and cuddling
and affection cause it makes me feel like i know something.
dropped all my nutrition classes today. decided to change my major to media production
which is crazy cuz thats what i switched from in the beginning
never thought id like being behind the scenes
and yes being a movie director would probably make me very jealous of the actresses but
i dont know how to pursue my dreams
i dont./ not anymore
so this is the closest i can get to it
i dont want to be a nutritionist. dont want to work in a hospital
im thinking maybe this way ill have a job with freedom to do what i want look what i want and enough money to be free
i wouldnt mind just working my way up the vitamin shoppe ladder honestly.
i like it there,
i just want a degree because and nutrition is hard and im tired of it right now
idk..maybe it was a mistake
its crazy cause i think a lot of this has to do with just me wanting to get a half sleeve tattoo. but then its like what if i get it and i dont want it
but my tattoos are the only thing about me that havent changed a;; this time its my only stability
i just reeally and truly have no freaking idea who i am anymore
and its driving me nuts
i guess now that i changed my major i ought to just try to enjoy life and not get fat
but i still dont like my body
still dont like my hair
i dont hate my body
just my stomach bothers me
and the fact that i have no idea what to eat or how to workout to lose weight and its super annoying.
anyway. im doing my hair tomorrow even though i think its kinda pointless i cant imagine what they could do with it i think its just gunna look bad & since i dont know what i wanna see in the morror..why
its like i cant see myself trying to be attractive
especially not without my hair
i was so stupid to cut it. really. that has been biting me in thew ass for a freaking year now. i feel like im not gunna like it til its long again. or damn at least a length i can deal with,
and this all natural stuff isnt working
i miss makeup but i feel like i look better without it or ill have to put on too much i dont even know anymore. i really dont.
im so confused about everything and i feel super unstable and its not good for my mind. like i feel like i dont even wanna move or do anything cause it has no point.
& the lady.
she...i need to let that go. for some reason its like i really need her approval i want her to do something to show me im not the most annoying person shes ever met and she doesnt hate me. i mean she always ignores my text. she hasnt sent me a picture in freaking almost 2 weeks (in two days itll have been two weeks) so why do i chase her? thats what i hate
i dont like it. i think this is horrible service and she couldve just been like more attentive and i think she sold me dreams and had my hopes up for nothing so why did i text her today actually asking her for advice shes not even gunna answer me i want that relationship to be over :( i wanted to be one of the girls that got to be her friend but i am just too young and i dont fit it and that damn photoshioot has like ryuined my life. i look at the pics and its like..i feel like shes gunna send me an email with all of them saying here were done ahve a nice life. i dont think i did anything wrong ya know? i didnt give her an attitude or anything. im so confused.
im gunna keep praying. & just try to be positive and i guess for once, and for the first time truly just live for today without it being some huge step toward the future. im not getting ready for anything im not trying to impress anyone.
im obviously not gunna do a show this year. even though i really do want to get in better shape and i did wanna be a fitness model
and why am i so jealous of my friend
shes beautiful and sweet and shes gunna do well
God help me like..purify myself from this healousy i knows its wrong
its usually not this horrible
i should be happy for her. i know she deserves it
i just see her making al these friends anf getting into the circle
im so tired of feeling so rejected
and it makes me really wanna rebel. i want to get a new tattoo. but that would change my life so drastically and basically make it so i could never be a fitness model. i want her to tell me like..
idk im trying to wait and make sure theres no hope before i forget about it completely but shes left me in the dark for so long. other people have their pics theres so many new ones. its just.. not cool.
i feel like i cant trust anyone and everyones judging me
all i wanted was to be loved
abnd i left myself open and as usual
just dumb.
idk. we'll see. i'll figure something out. i just wanted to be someone
like..that everyone loved
and just feel thst ya know?
to have fans and peiople that think highly of me
and be one of the people that i look up to,
thats it. but i cant do this
its mean
and nothings happening and no ones helpoing me and three years of my life has been a lie
all ive done is lost myself in this mess & i cant get out
God please. please help me get out.

sometimes i dont like myself

aside from all this supposed "potential" apparently only I know about...
sometimes i really just dont want to be me.
theres soooo many things i really dont like about myself & i really want to change those things before i have anything else to do with the world. so im going to list those things & my goal in life for the time being (always with staying fit & getting better on the side as well)
is to just...not hate these personality traits so much
and to be someone im rpoud of
and not pretend to be anyone or anything
so first the things id like to change about myself:
1)im scared of confrontation
2)i sabotage myself. EVERYTIME. i never do my best. just in case i mess up ppl wont think i really tried.
3)i always give into temptation. period
4)i kiss ass to people i think are socially "important" and i pretend to like people i dont like. i compliment people when i dont mean it & i go out of my way to seem like a nice person just so people will like me. and it NEVER works
5)i make up stories & lie habitually for attention
6)i pretend to like things i dont like. like sports. i dont like sports.
7)i procrastinate every chance i get- i dont trust myself
8)i spend too much money
9)*** i talk WAY too much, just to be heard, and dont LISTEN.
10)i talk about myself too much
11)i always compete with everyone else in my head & always underestimate my competition
12)i plan way too far ahead and spend money and time i dont have yet, always making plans im not ready for
13)im not thankful enough to God. i dont talk to Him as much as I used to and I am not as close to him as I used to be. I dont even read my bible anymore
14)im always getting addicted to something
15)i talk abotui something and make it sound so exciting but never do it
16)ive gottwen back into telling people about my problems instead of dealing with them myself

i think right now my soul is broken. & i need to deal with that before i do anything. i think I need to try to eat as clean as possible but let my first priority be just..keeping promises to myself.. and other people...just being a better human being because i have become so insincere.

who i pretend i am & try to hold onto:
-americas sweetheart-would never be mean to anyone
-tomboy..when i dont like sports...and i would b girly if i thoiught i could pull it off
-miss fitness - so fit and healthy
-miss super smart science nerd
-miss...doormat
-little kid

who i am (traits that actually are true)
-hate sports
-like girly stuff
-not always happy and bubbly. not always nice
-SO much left to learn....dont really like science and math...prefer art.
-performing girl-i really still want to be a famous singer. i just staqrted listening to everyone that i wasnt that talented and decided to be practical. but in my heart i would love to b in videos & movies & perform.
-i love food. i like to eat. i am so sick of counting everything and being so conscious of it all, i miss just living and having fun and i just wish i could have the discipline to get my body how i want it. i actually really want that. but fitness is now more obligation than any kind of enjoyment. i need to duck out of all of this because right now i do not like working out or eating healthy and i dont see myself helping anyone. i dont wanna be a trainer. i dont wanna finish school & do an internship..i dont like school. i wanna eb free & get paid for one of my talents cause im tired to death of sitting on them. i dont feel like working out. ever.
..but i really need new music on my phone that would help.


what would i do right now...if i could do whatever i wanted..
take an occasional class at school just cause..work like four days a week.
and spenmd time with garrisen. watch movies. eat. thats it. i just wanna read, watch movies, eat.
or do all the same stuff but on my time.
im so tired. & i feel like..im just gunna keep feeling overworked if i dont take something out. i cant stop working..i cant stop school...it seems like working out is the only other thing and the diet. it has stressed me out and depressed me for so long. isk how to free myself from this ugly beast.
but thats what i wanna do. just...i want my hair to be long again. i wanna feel cute and attractive and justwalk around feeling hot like i used to. taking a lot of pics and just..enjoying different stuff. do fun stuff every wknd and not have ti worry if its gunna be unfun because i cant eat what i want and spend my opnly spar etime working out pretty much to no avail because i cant diet. and if i dont diet i dont workout. i really wanna disappear for a little while and let the only people who see me be the people at work. i need help and I dont know what to ask for but all I know is when i need a break I need a break and i wanna escape something..this i can escape. no ones looking for me. im not important right now.
i dont wanna be jealous of my friend but it hurts my feelings so much for her to be like...everything i wanna be. friends with the people that wont talk to me,
just popular..and like..ive been fighting for that for too long. i need a change of pace. i need to be gone. ill come back but i just need to feel like some stuff is forgotten. idk what to do about eating maybe i do need to save my money & go to keith klein idk. i need to relax and clear my head my soul and my heart are not well right now & i need them to be so im just gunna relax. i dont wanna go to dave n busters. im not in the modd for like anything right niow & i dont know what to do. but at least no one is here so i can just be by myself. i think the issue all this time has been like.. a lack of God in ym life. i been so worried about bettering myself i havent been worried about being a good person and im really fake. im just not proud of it. i dont deservbe anything that i supposedly wanted. ive been wanting a way out. a way away from the woman who really...i let start all this. to pretend i dont know her or need anything from her im just gunna drop off the face i wanna just get away from the situation. and this has all really shown me that mnaybe for a hobby i can do this. working out just to stay fit and pursuing my own goals but trying to like travel here and there and become a big star im not tripping on right now because im too immature and unstable to handle it and its not important to me right now. it was jkust my temporary high. and i just..i dont like it. i dont wanna chase anyone or be so fake anymore. i wanna be me. im tired of all this. i wish the outside reflected the inside. it doesnt. right now. i miss my hair. idk. we'll see. im just gunna try to pray and calm down before the boy comes home. & probably tell him i dont wanna go to the party. this will ahve to be the last time i let someone down. but itd be me lying again. ugh. maybe my mood will change.

popular people

i need to make a vow right now for the rest of my life
to stay away from them
when i walk in a room, when i view the world as a whole
any industry im ever in
when i see the people at the top
i need to just tell myself i am above them because i am only trying to impress God
well..not even that. that we are equals. and i am not to worship them
or give them any credit.
this lady is exactly like the first one.
people at the top make me feel like shit. i dont evenw anna be in this world anymore. i wanna get in shape for my own benefit and because i like looking good but seriously otherwise forget it because it has consumed me and taken so much joy from my life for so long. ill take a few years off and build my own fan base. NOT including "people in high places".
i have always been such a kiss ass.
so eager to please
always downplaying the gifts that god made ME to make ME special..
just to fit in among people
but there are people that love me
and there are people that dont
im a good freaking person
i may not be perfect
im not nor will i ever be Jamie Eason
but im me
i have a LOT of talents that the right person is going to benefit from very much one day and i am DONE being underconfident. im done.
im done kissing ass im done
i dont have to
i AM smart. i AM sttractive i DO have a good body
i have a fantastic personality and lots of ideas and good things to give to the world i dont have to be insiecure because HE so loved the world..
Im done. from now on im going to allow myself to be confident and love myself and be happy. if i dont like my body then i will change it. but its not disgusting.
i am me. i dont have to compare myself to anyone else and i dont need anyone elses approval im DONE!
cause when you chase people run IM DONE CHASING! i have all i freaking need i am DONE.

a different world

man. no time to catch up on everything thats happened.
over spring break i met the boy of my dreams
were still together. havent been apart much since.
sometimes its a problem, most the time not.
everythings going really well i have some opportunities coming up.
but i am controlling them sometimes i wanna quit cuz it all feels like too much
jhust wanna stop getting on bodyspace, stop modeling, stop trying to compete and become someone
cuz i cant picture it happening
& i dont wanna be away from him
sometimes i wonder if i want this anymore
or if i was doing it cuz i was bored at one point
and am now just continuing even tho i dont need it anymore bc i wanna finish something for once
i think im gunna stick it out & try to win the Flex contest, see where that goes & see how my shoot with Wendi goes. Ive dreamed of shooting with her forever,
it does feel awesome when the pics come out good. but its a qwuick high then youre over it.
im dieting again. i think im just bored at the moment. its only day 3. day 1 i cracked but yday i was mostly perfect. i feel like i can do this this time
but i know what the problem is.
i think too much & i start second guessing my plan thinking it wont work
even if im getting good results
i start questioning it and then i just cave
so im gunna pray that doesnt happen this time I'd like to stay on this diet until I get about 8% bodyfat. Idk how Im gunna measure that but I know what I want my body to look like. anyway so I think Im just going to give my all for the flex, try to get as many votes as I can & leave it up to God. just say if you want me there help me win. & then shoot w/ Wendi, see if any of the magazines wanna publish me, just see where it goes if this is meant to be or not. I dont dislike my life now. I like it a lot. I just want to not have to worry about money that's all I would change. Like if I could work just one job that'd be nice. Or not have to work a steady job & do fitness modeling full time, but I dont wanna be away from garrisen that much. idk like if maybe Im too young & its gunna interfere with school.
He makes me happy. Im not missing anything
as long as Im keeping up with my workouts and eating right I feel good about myself
right now I feel strange but whatever. Anyway
God help me...i always feel like there's so much to do & I dont have enough time to do it. Like there's always some task hanging over my head. its honestly hard to fit workouts in everyday with work. Thank GOD i dont have school. Truth be told this fitness thing is like stressing me. Pursuing something with 3 jobs already is kinda like..a lot. I'd like to lounge more. I'd LOVE to eat more but we won't go there. But we'll see. Today i feel kinda fluffy. I look in the mirror and I know I look good but I really do wonder like..if I can look good enough by the time the shoot comes around. Then it makes me feel like..I cant. But instead of taking the "then why bother" route this time Im gunna just keep working like nothings different but the pressure is immense. maybe Im just having a moment. Im also having my special feminine time so that might be it. idk. in a wierd mood.
gotta go train my client and I feel crunched. Also, money. Like..Garrisens bdays coming up & I wanna get him a ps3 and a game to go with it. But i gotta buy stuff for the shoot & im just wondering like can I do it all but i know I need to tell myself & believe that its going to be okay. it will be. always it. worrying never helps. I just feel a slight level of anxiety all the time right now & I think I need to just reign it in. like..reenter the moment and become present because im all over the place. anyway lol not the best blog but thats the update on me right now.

another freaking tragedy

im surprisingly calm about this,
maybe cuz it hasnt officially happened yet.
so...ever since my bday ex-bestfriend/otherhalf/super-potential has been acting up. basically avoiding me, ignoring me, wont come c me or really respond to me..
so today i told em i hate em
he said what why
& i said hed figure it out eventually
& he was like ok Michelle
so anyway long story short i was like dude r u aware that i legitimately like u & ur ruin my day sometimes theres no way youre that clueless
& he said he actually didnt.
what.
are you bloody serious right now?
so all that..all this time..you were just gassing me..
like..pretending to care what i do, pretending to care that i care what you do
just...gassing. & then on my bday he was all on me
& this whole time you didnt even think i liked you?which means you didnt like me..
& im dumb as heck thinking he really did. that if i wanted to talk to him seriously i could because he liked me & i was the only reason we didnt work
he never had any intention of anything otherwise
i thibk the reason im not bothered is cause it hasnt hit me yet
& he hasnt said it yet
but im pretty sure i just ruined everything.
i really didnt expect this at all. what THE flip.
im just gunna pray.
hes not even answering.
its so familiar now its sad.
i think i just need to...stay away from them
i like boys theyre fun & i really think affection & romance are the only 2 things that make life really worth living but i can get by
im getting eaten alive out her i gotta call it
i just cant do it.
i told em lets just pretend this convo never happened
asshole spoke to me earlier. first time hes ever chatted me
of course we argued,
i was like man hes always gunna be rude. but idk i can deal w. it
its the knowing he didnt like me that bothers me
but anyway. so yea. & i mean..the feelings come bavk so easily
i still like him. & its crazy too cuz i was talkin to lillie today bout how i dont understand why me & brandon didnt work
& how back in the day i never couldve imagined us being how we are now
we were so ride or die
but like now its hard for me to imagine us beign like that
when i look at him i still think hes so adorable
and yes i still miss him. & sadly, i would most likely still talk to him. pretty sure i would. even today i was hoping hed ask me to come over.
sigh, i really just think im the easiest person in the world to please
i just wanna talk to you & be with you
but no one. not one. out of the probably 20 diff guys ive talked to at this school, not one has worked. nto one. they dont ever really like me
not one time have i successfully captured someones heart. never. not once. it gets so old i cannot even tell you.
now i just...wanna turn away. im so tired of it
i try so hard to be optimistic. keep trying. give everyone a chance
& not think that just because literally not one single person in this world that i like likes me, that theres nothing wrong with me
but i dont wanna change i like me i really dont thin k there is anything wrong with me but im sad now.
like....how can you be so cold hearted
why am i such a burden to all of them ya know?
sorry i care..
it sucks when you are are is unattractive to people & you know theres a whole race of people looking for someone like you
back to alien status
i need to protect myself. honestly
im gunna have to just face the music & realize all these boys are the same
& its not gunna change i can never get it right
ill have a crush then ill be in love in a few days & theyre gunna think im annoying & be gone. or ill go and regret it. never ever ever is one of the people i like gunna like me in the same way. its gotta be a random occurence. & years from now.
i just lost all my interest in..everything.
i thought maybe id tell em, & hed tell me he liked me too...maybe come over
i just wanted him to come over all this time
great now hes texting back. i dont wanna read it
dumb boys. i told em to forget it ever happened, (which would probably be the best thing to do but obviously its not what i want) & hes probably gunna say ok lol
aint this some.. man lol
lemme gon n read this crap.
he said "why because i didnt get a chance to respond? ok michelle whatever you say goes".. dumb responses like that.
i dont care.
nothing works. how could it work ya know? honeslty?
theyre never there when i want. when i NEED someone to show me i can be loved.
only when they want. & i understand where theyre coming from
but they dont understand where i am. im trying not to lik..be sad & get unmotivated & this & that but i am. & i wanna go to bed.
like...i need to seriously seriously seriously...lock it up
once & for all...like forget boys exist
i want to not want them
i want to look right through them
i want them to mean nothing to me
then ...then they cant hurt me.
until everyones more mature & i wont get slabbed so much.
im gunna have to start lying to myself. saying whatever i have to untuil i believe it
cuz i really like him. but theres lots of people all over campus who have little pieces of me. IF ONLY just ONE of them would like me back. pretty sure theres...3. him, The Fallen, & asshole. any of them. just one, would do.
it sucks. every. single. time. never fails
right when i think things are about to get serious
its over soon after
right when i think ive found the one i end up with no one
& i need to get off them & just ignore their existance
all of them because theyre no good & they cant give me what i need
they have no intention of doing so & i cant mold them into my little mariennettes
i get on fb & assholes on & what do i do? of course i msg em
its not abnormal is it...to seek comfort when u feel alone in the world
but i seriously do the same dumb stuff voer & over expecting different results
insanity
i gotta get off & just. idk..go to bed i guess. whatever.
Lord please help me use this for good & take a new lease on life & restart livign for You & for me & never again for a stupid old boy.

a whole new world

man ive come so far since the last post.
things really improved.
idk..one last fallout & i told the most recent asshole to go away.
couldnt do it
whoever i thought he was in the beginning
was just the introductory package you seem to get with everyone
before all the baggage & the non-benefits start to show.
fraudulent charges & whatnot,
anyway. yea hes a retard.
but yea i actually dipped back into the demon pot as well
no idea why. i think its because deep down i know im not wrong aboutt here being good in him. or the factt that someones gunna be lucky to have him
the way he sees me is warped tho
& he just doesnt like me
i mean i could defend or forgive anything he did if he felt how i wanted him to feel about me but im not that girl for him
so i dropped off the face for both those circles.
lost my job like..feb somthing. early feb.
that was the last time i seen him. or spoke to em.
cause he is just...warped.
anyway & the other one, yea anyway.
so i just been solo focused on school & working out
ive lost 7 pounds :) definitely at my best off season weight now.
exactly 8 weeks out tomorrow ill weigh myself in the morning its been a rough week im prrrraaaaayyyyying for 130.
but yea anyway. saw the Adjustment Bureau yday & it got me in this romantic mood i havent been in in forever
&...well remember back before i met The Fallen.
i prayed for a companion and i suspected that it might be this "friend" i had
but then got distracted by the Fallen.
ever since then its been back & forth with me & this person
trust issues that seem to never go away
hes a freaking gemini & hes all over the place & i feel like i cant rely on him
NOT to disappoint me
& i just feel like hes gunna break my heart even tho before he said he wouldnt
idk. i just wish i was the one hed think of
i thought i was
we got to the point we were seeing e/o so often. i miss that
& the other night when he came over
well for a long time i feel like i could only see him as a friend
there was more there. we get jealous of eachother
but like..i just couldnt see it going further bc i didnt know if i was physically attracted to him & we just cant seem to get on the right page
but like he came over on my bday & like..
it was like a whole new person.
NO that didnt happen lol but hes lowkey beasty & we actually do have good physical chemistry & now that that hole is filled in i am like.i havent stopped thinkign about em
& that movie was so romantic. out of all the ppl i talk to i thought of him & i wanted him to come over so bad last night but of course he wouldnt. boo.
its never when i want. only when they want,
got damn whats it take to get a reliable dude around here.
sheesh.
but yea...im trying not to talk to him. because im just tired of his bs & its not necessary for me to have that weakness in an undesirable area right now
because im doing well for myself..
& if i choose to focus and not chase..
then i will go far
& yes ill still be alone but ill have a life for myself
& my methods have not worked so far.
i seen on his twitter that hes goiung to the carnival tomorrow & im irritated that he never invites me anywhere.
like..i guess he just doesnt see us how i see us so its really like..
im calling it a code black.
i think this is drama & hatred waiting to happen because im positive hes that guy that will destroy me.
...so i need to try my best not to think about it & get self reabsorbed.
yea..there r others,
ive got some "suitors" right now. but no one id consider but him.
since he is a code black
i suppose i am still...superduper single. woop lol but im ok

termination

so i got fired.
i really just...dont understand
they did me wrong
My aunt wants to take legal action.
im just in shock
& extremel;y hurt.
i dont wanna do anything but i have hw & ish.
God help me,

good day

its always a good day til the night comes lol
seriously i dont even like coming to my room anymore. except late at night to sleep. its like..and i cant focus to study
my head is not i9n school right now
the video gets me excited sometimes
idk. its a lot in my head
i really feel like all i can do is chase things that make me happy at the moment
to get that temporary high
like i can never be just happy
i really think its gunna have to be love.
to love & be loved. i think thats the one thing that will actually complete me
idk how to do this be happy by yoursaelf thing
im just not lol like nothing is fun, i have no passion but for boys which is embarrassing and sad
like how low is my self esteem? i didnt think it was low anymore
but seriously the last couple days have been rough i been struggling this week
i feel fat everyday. seeing that scale go UP when i been bustingmy butt making hard choices for so long is like unbeaRable
all of a sudden im really aware of all my fat again
i can feel my rolls right now
& working out int he morning, i do not like at all. honestly
it took away my fruit at night which was enough to hold me over
& it just leaves so much space for doing nothing
& i just dont like it
not to the least but idc cause i cant do all those people
i think this guy at work kinda brought me down to
idk it wasnt a bad convo just too long and annoying
a lot of people like they talk to me..theres like 4 or 5 boysi know want to talk to me right now ands i do not have a single ounce of interest in any of them
i feel no connection
all i want is passion i dont wanna play house anymore with someone i dont like.
the only people i wanna be around lately are the fallen, etc.
even tho my ex son has lost his mind
i like them better,
we just laugh and have so much fun,
even though theyre obsessed with music,. theyre so talented
im getting used to it
i just wish it wasnt so easy for me to lean on people. its like i must.
& im not a fan why cant i be with someone, leave and go about my business without thinking of them
how could i possibly consider the fallen a prospect?
omg he doesnt even think he did me wrong. & his phone is full of girls he admitted it hes oin his dog ish right now
hes in complete denial
but idk we have fun & hes attractive im just glad to have my friend back right now & someone i can be with often
but i have cravings every night
every night. today i had half a hot dog and two buns
but i really wanna pig out i havent had that urge in forever but i wanna eat something that tastes good so bad
its just depressing to not see any results i feel like im getting worse im squishy & im just not happy about it right now
i pray its pms but seriously? like 2 weeks before my period? im nervous about the shoot. all together i just feel bad
its like as soon as i leave work it comes. the negativity
i just want to do stuff thats not good
chase boys. eat bad. its bad & idk whats wrong i need help before i sabotage myself,
uis this life? seriously. or is it just being young
when is it not going to be like this cause i effing hate it

ignoring the open door that leads to nowhere

i want to. but i said i wouldnt, so im not.
im trying to not initiate anything ever with a boy. not to play games..but to..take back my life. to give power back to God.
so even if i recieve no immediate answer,
if im lonely i just gotta pray
if i need to talk ill talk to him.
just gotta turn to him for everything
even if it means i gotta sit here miserable knowing nothings gunna happen
when i could just do something myself to at least relieve the pain for the moment
it hasnt worked in the past.
im just gunna pray that he sees me down here turning to him instead of anything else
& eventually ill get a lasting solution
ill know hell come
i just know i have some time that im gunna be in silence and solitude
but i could go somewhere if i wanted
not without initiating
i could go to a friends or have someone over
theres boys i could text & talk to
if i wanted to fish for compliments but ppl cant help
theres no one i wanna see or talk to
the old crew is watching a show right now together
theyre there for me to go over there
& i still left my boots and my tooth brush
but i msged the fallen about it he didnt even answer obviously were not that cool
& i dont even really like them all that much or enjoy their company
all i want is attention from the fallen
so thats me using them as well
im trying not to use people
i didnt realize i was so guilty of it but theres lots of ppl i wouldnt speak to if they hadnt been close to the target of my affections at a point in time
sorry God..guess i have some dirt of my own.
i wanted to text one of them. try to get a invite cause i am bored & i dont have realy anything to do but effing schoolwork all night which is bout to be my life for a long time now.
til spring break i suppose.
cause thats when im allowing myself to..idk..maybe get back in the "dating" world. but not if i have to pursue. gues sill just wait til someone comes. but not like ok ill sit here and wait i mean give up pursuit forever. so someone can finally come to me
gotta get these hands as empty as possible
and make sure i have no baggage either
meaning i gotta get over door #2. & whatevers left for the fallen.
so that the newcomer will have none of that to deal with
i dont want anyone to feel how ive felt and i dont wanna rebound
ugh. anhyway.
said i wouldnt, so im not.

ive become so numb

guess this is what happens when i dont have a "crush"
i feel no passion. ever. for anything
not in a positive way anyway
i did find today that what i LIKE to do is create & inspire
i like art.
so im still building on this photoshoot
i hope and pray it turns out as planned cause if it does its gunna be epic
went to eat, actually got steak and vegetables? #miraclefromGod
so. last night i went to another boys house
this is the second one in the past week really.
second time ive had someone i know i could have if i wanted
but kind of just i guess not really participated
these are people that would talk to me & give me everything i need
but i feel nothing.
its crazy to sit there & just see them..feeling..when i feel nothing
i mean absolkutely nothing not even to the slightest
i just wanna be alone i guess
as the feelins i had for door #2 fade..& turn to just.. resentment
thats the last of the feelings that were left in me.
when i look at them all i see nothing
no hope no salvation no purpose which i guess is good
im not even willing to try something new i dont like anyone
i dont feel anything
i guess i was right thats why i attract to the flame
cause its passion even if it burns at least i feel.
but there is a peace in this. there is no peace in the flame and i dont miss it
thereis not one single number that could pop up in that phone that would bring a smile to my face
guess its a good thing
no one has the power anymore. thank you God
i just need to remember when im bored just pray for God to help me get through it
because its not worse than how i feel after they wring me out & hang me up to dry.
but yea i dont feel a connection to any human being on the planet anymore
no one can put me to rest or at ease
i still feel like an alien
today God showed me a trick to be nice to customers tho
just picture everyone as my family
uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, family.
so i can at least bbe kind to strangers
even tho they are sztrangers. everyone i know.
except sandra. i do feel somewhat connected to actual family.
but i know were all family under God.
idk right now i just..soon as i walk up to my door i know its bout to be another pointless night
going over there last night did get me help w/ my practice test tho
& it got me out of the house instead of rotting in the bed for hours
so ..im just gunna keep praying God will give me things to get through everyday
& just write in this when i need to.
last night randomly door #2 texted me. i was wondering why. idk i just answered his ?s. bluntly but not rude just no detail. & then he got around to asking me bout the book.
wow. that really kinda surprised me and i wa slike if he didnt need this book he would have never ever even spoken to me.
& it just pissed me off. like..i bet you really did have to make urself text me
cause u know you needed the book.
& were probably dreading having to c me to get it
probably propose some random on campus meeting perhaps the library
that that was really all he texted me for.
sigh. yea it annoyed me a lot. made me lose what little respect i did have left for him
today i just gave it to antoinette. told him he could pick it up from their room when he needed it.
cause what..am i supposed to drop it off? come to cullen like i always do when hes never even been to my room? drop what im doing to cater to him knowing i cant even get some time he just wants the book.
& hes thinking id use that as an excuse to try to chill with him
guess what i dont want to see you. i dont.
youre rude and its unattractive. making me feel like youre how i should be. like i should just mold myself after you. like im too much of whatever i am to be good anough for you. & just need to chill in everyway. like my life revolves around you. it did. & in the past i surely would have but i see clearly now. i dont consider you a friend
you make me feel terrible youre never there for me & you contribute absolutely nothing positive to my life you dont even think highly of me how r we friends
maybe a long time from now you can ask me why
maybe ill feel like telling you
ill probably be so over it then i wont even wanna talk about it
cant wait. he said "ok then thats cool" yea. stupid. unappreciate and ungrateful just mean and disrespectful. i dont want to be so mad. i hope it goes away soon.
being so mad as so many diff. poeple. and my ex-son.
boys are not on my good side. i know theres nice ones & im trying my best to be nice to them i just dont want to see or be around them.
not even the fallen. all i can think is how cocky he is. how all these boys think theyre so imporant that theyre so much better than me. im over contributing to this monstrous ego. no way jose.
cant do it.
idk what you thought when you saw that. if it made you feel like i dont even wanna see you, good. if you feel rejected, it wasnt my intention, but whaTEVER. i dont think you feel anything for me ever at all and i really dk how i thought you ever did now im back in mode just trying to forget. i put it there and told u where it was so i dont even have to see you again & you have no excuse to speak to me. i cant wait til you dont exist in my life anymore.
and i cant wait til this resentment goes away. this unappreciated misunderstood outcastness. i dont like it.
but it really is better than trying so hard to be a part.
its much better to be numb than to feel that horrible pain
abnd to know that you no longer have power over me
God just please clinse me of this anger and all the regret and feeling so down on myself. so second best like anyone knows what theyre talking about.
hes on fb right now i just got off.
the questioni keep asking is what is the point!
but im free. free in the middle of nowhere all by myself but im free
ill find something. someone eventually
right now im fine by myself
i really am i like it
a lot. i just dont like the getting used to it. but this time i will. this time ill stay hidden. this time ill stay in my coccoon til im a butterfly.
im gunna pray more this time for God to guide me.
im just..mad and annoyed right now :( i feel so separate from everyone
and i just..dont trust.
one extreme to the other, so heres this extreme.
just gunna do my school work.

just one of those days

i really do hate days like this,
tried to go to the rec
i cannot even describe to you how many people were there i almost burst into tears
i cannot do that mutlitude of people like come on..
i go to the gym to get away from ppl i hate it when its crowded i just left
that shit is just an anxiety attack
i feel like crap right now im not gunna lie i feelso freaking bad
so alone but i dont wanna be around random people wtf
no.
theyre like ants. SWARMING i want them away from me
i hate these lows. i feel like im gunna die. seriously
what a horrible day
now i gotta workout in the mornings because the rec is going to be filled to the brim with thousands of people i just cant do it sorry.
i like working out at the end of the day. a lot. but w/e.
guess ill go in the mornings :( i could go real late at night. like i probably will at like 10 tonight. but i dont like that really.
this is gunna throw off my routine. a LOT. but w/e.
ugh. i gotta just chilkl for a minute i need to calm down.
didnt get my meds. didnt get some of my books. too many errands & the rain made everything difficult. it was just one of those days. but i dont want a random rest day. i want to workout. so i guess since i dont gotta go to work til 12. i was planning on working out after and going to tutoring before. i guess ill switch it.
wakeup @ like 930 & go workout at 10. then come back & get ready for work.
& on the days when i go to school guess ill workout at 9.
its probably better. ill never see door #2 again (which i did just now)
or have to deal w/ anyone else and im pretty sure it wont be crowded at all
idk what this transition is...
but im just gunna hold onto my faith & know God can help me no matter how crazy i feel. deep breaths.

psychosis

i seriously feel like a crackhead tryna come off crack.
i need my meds. let me go ahead & say that im pretty sure that is the root of all this. but while i dont have them let me tell you how it feels
im insane. seriously. stupid thoughts attack you all day long.
reality becomes just like..an idea. a perception
and its so off
so negative
its like mental HIV leaving you freaking susceptible to every psychotic disease imaginible and every mental fatality like wow
i just feel so off
like im suspended in mid air and idk if im gunna fall or not nothing to hold onto
living on this random planet and im the alien
no one speaks my language and im so isolated no matter who im around
they have nothing to offer me
and absolutely nothing can fill this huge imaginary hole
its like i know i need help
but i have no idea what kind
cant think of a single thing in the world that would make me happy
literally.
door #2 could text me right now
& tell me he misses me ask me to come over
i would feel nothing
just fear. like whens it gunna end ok its nice now but whens it gunna hurt cuz i kno it is
if i could use a few words to describe this its like
paranoia solitude hopelessness
the uncertainty is unbearable its like i dont even know my name
and im just constantly looking for a hit from some kind of escape mechanism
i calm down when i think about getting a tattoo
nothing else. has to be something extreme that makes me feel in control
im like..i look in the mirror & i love how i look today i did my makeup perfect
but whats the point of life like this seriously
whats the point of being drop dead gorgeous if youre invisible
if it cant get you love then whats the point
really.
being an awesome person with a good heart whats the point if it cant get you love
being smart, successful, having every freaking blessing known to man
all the friends everyone likes youn wants to be you
but its empty there is no fulfillment to be found
and you feel like the only person in the world who feels how you do
what is the point. when does life start
or where is this mental adjustment i can make right now to start living today
because i feel dead
everythings so freaking BORING
& i just feel like whats the point. i wanna have fun..but nothings fun.
no ones fun. talking to people is like a job.
everyone irritates me i just try to drown them out and pretend im as alone as i feel
make up my own imaginary world where things make sense
& its like the better of a person i am being..closer to what God wants me to be
i feel like it has so much to do with people
but i cant even be around them without becoming them
who the freak am i? this is not it.
all the stuff, all the surroundings, all the embellishment. it has nothing to do with my spirit
which is just being dimmed and contorted by everyone around me
being 20 years old is just not fun at all when youre caught between 5 and 30
there is no one i feel...akin to
at all
the only way i know how to feel ANYTHING is with boys
and without them, now that im trying to let that go,
its like there is nothing
im a freaking zombie
feigning interest
fading away
working for nothing because no matter what i do or achieve...
how did i get back here
dang.
miserable heartbroken
overly social
antisocial
is there a possible way to just be regular?
to just be stable
how long til that happens
i mean... what do i have to do
to feel...stable.
for a while i felt like i wokeup from the nightmare
now i feel like im in a coma
smh. just gunna keep praying. do what im supposed to & pray tomorrow will be better

the loneliness

welp, nights are long.
trying to readjust.
life is good really. i cant complain. no problems, no stress, everythings under control. once again just bored
just gotta get back used to it thats all
stay in my books & focus on whats in front of me & literally not even consider whats not
im trying to take a break from boys. til spring break.
like everytime i think someones attractive just ignore it, because i need to aknowledge the vastness of the world and not think every single cute boy is the one
i mean i barely have standards
just a brief checklist that anyone im attracted to has to meet for minimum requirement & then i can mold em into mr perfect or become whoever i have to be to bring mr perfect out
i change for every guy that comes along & i dont want them to run my life anymore
im so desperate for love and affection
constantly rejected its like all ive ever known and im sick of it
its not worth it
none of anyone ive met is what i want or on my level at all
& im 100% willing to settle because otherwise i have to be alone
& i dont like that
i dont wanna need them. or even really want them
i dont wanna feel like somethings missing
like having a piece of crap is better than not having anyone at all cuz its not
its possible to be content without a boy
i know it is. it must be. & i will just have to train myself like a dog until i can do it
get used to bein alone, find ways to entertain myself
& zip up my heart so people cant see straight through me
stop lowering myself to mingle among the commoners
not that im like this awesome but whatever awesomeness i do have i put away to kiss up to the less awesome so that they will THINK im awesome which never works even though i am they never notice
right now i just feel like crap. i keep checking fb..idk why. went to him & all his friends pages..idk why
i feel so left out ya know? i cant get the time a day
its hard not to feel rejected when you are
but i know thats not my whole identity
but its like..thats what i feel
no matter whats going on i just feel that
its like since he doesnt think im good enough i dont feel good enough
i feel lonely and pathetic really
and im starting to feel boring again
like i have no life and no friends and dont do anything fun
i know thats not true i just have goals
and different interest
theres someone in this world that feels me
im convinced hes not between the ages of 18 and 22
its confusing and depressing and im so so so so sick of it
but im not even in the mood to entertain the folly anymore
i barely wanna get back on the pill cause i dont wanna have relations
everyone is just so disappointing ya know? i feel like an alien
like im alone in the world and no one will ever ever understand me
everyone i talk to its like the emptiest conversation
& its like what purpose does anyone serve at all
feels like they literally contribute nothing to my life
yet their absence leaves a hole. (i keep getting so distracted)
but yea. idk. i dont feel loved. i know there are ppl that love me.
& there are a lot of people that appreciate and think highly of me
if i died i know it would be a freakin tragedy
but like..when everyone YOU love doesnt love you
it gets to you. the rejection..im identified with it
idk how to not..idk how to break the cycle
i keep doin it. and its sunken in
i believe it now ya know?
ugh im just having a moment
but yea....maybe im getting closer to peace
church was good tonight
i actually went but i dont wanna go to the youth version anymore
they make me nervous theyre just too...social for me
people make me nervous strangers make me nervous
i know i gotta get it together. the msg really helped
now im just trying to get school stuff done.
im just SO lonely and i feel kinda hopeless
guess i just gotta tell myself again...theres great exciting times in life, then theres really painful times in life, and then theres just okay times where youre fine and nothings wrong and you might be bored
i know God is molding me right now
thats what this is. so thats a good thing
just gotta get through it
a lot of good happened today and im hopeful and excited about the future
feeling like im getting closer to myself
but futher from people and theyre losing their value
the college life is losing its value
but im tired of searching
i know God put me here with everything i need to survive so this hole must be imaginary
its like..all this time..i just wanted a freaking boyfriend
in highschool i always had one
havent had one since
& i cant stop looking i feel incomplete without a man
but shoot if going through this right now will break the spell & help me loive the rest of my life happy and loving myself unneedy and fulfilled with or without a man..
so be it. i can take it.
i feel like crap right now. like dang i really cant get a man. i feel like an outcast cause these are not my people they cant relate to me they may admire my thoughts but they dont understand them & im just tired of being so alone & unloved.
but anyway...on with life
foundout that i can eat sausage in my eggs & 2 tortillas for about the same amount of calories as a packet of oatmeal so i will be having breakfast tacos for breakfast everyday from now on til i get tired of it :)
got my pre cal notes bout to do some hw. i need to go to tutoring in the morning for this pre test so i can ditch the old stuff & worry bout what im learning right now. i dont want to :( id have to get up real early but shoot it needs to be done. articles are done. still got some reading for bio im thinking i'll do tomorrow.
but tomorrow will be a productive day, if i go to tutoring, get my books and my meds, then ill pretty much be set for a while.
church made me reconsider the thinking for my shoot. i wanna convey a different message. not of bitterness, but of loving yourself. anyway..im wide awake
so im gunan go do the other things on my list & get it out the way

endings & beginnings

where do i start lol. i guess ill start w/ yday. i got a little while to write before im back on my study grind. ..the only thing i have to do EVER right now lol
anywayyy ok
well as suspected, the most recent prospect(now void) ..we'll call him door #2. yes its the same one i been talking bout since november.
k anyway door # 1...i dont even know. its like he is repulsed by me honestly lol he never texts me. i get this vibe from him like i should really just pretend we never met which is what i intend to do from now on. he never gets on fb, hasnt updated his status in a week & there is minimal recent activity. idk WHAT hes been doing.
anyway yday i was in that housing establishment going to visit my sons room (the other ppl that live in it)
& i seen the drunk freshman coming down the stairs.
i didnt know if she lived there or not so i texted door #2 to see if he was in his room thinkin "LET ME FIND OUT" but anyway. no text back for probably an hr & a half.
supposedly he was sleep. anyway so it bothered me. im at the get together feeling left out unwanted & solumn & i texted em to ask if they were still talking. blah blah basically no & she lives in cullen. but seriously the way he responds to me im starting to get the hint. exact answers. so friendliness its like we're not even cool & im really wondering why? but eff it i wont play wit it.
i was just like..ugh. i didnt know anyone & everyone was drunk. laaaater everyone started showing up & yes i had a blast flirting with every viable flirtee.
ohhh and before i went over to the get together i was with the devil and his cohorts. for the purposes of CHANGING CIRCUMSTANCES i will now refer to him as "the fallen" until i come up with someone better. anyway so i was with him & the rest of em in the room. they showed up later & i gushed over his adorable outfit and made him come in so i could show everyone how cute he was lol
for the record, im not really physically impressed with him anymore. i think its just a need to be close to someone who really knows me since door #2 was my most recent "comfort zone" i am now having to step out of.
but yea.. i had fun at the party. i like being single. as long as im occupied when i wanna be lol thats really what it is. i would prefer to have someone reliable that i can turn to to talk when i want to. or be with when i want. i want to be alone most the time. but when i dont, i want to have someone to contact. thats it lol
but door #2 doesnt provide that. he doesnt provide anything. the physical activities once they proceed to their full potential never last long enough anyway & its just not.. like top notch ya know? which id b willing to deal with were i getting the attention & affection i want but im basically getting diddly squat. i cant even get a text lol i mean i want to talk to this person
tell em stuff. discuss stuff. be close to em. 2 months later no progress has been made.
if anything progress has been lost.
so im takin a L & i just try to stay occupied as time goes on & i get further from the situation
next thing i know itll have been a month that we havent spoken
i mean i didnt the same thing with the devil child in his former form
i made him my whole world & meanwhile forgot that i had my own world
all i had to do was open my eyes and see it
we dont f with the same ppl i never have to see him if i dont want to
hes not socially important and no one even knew we were talking
so i really escaped unharmed & im glad i wasted the break and not time during school
alltogether its a win win hes happy & im getting there
so yea. ill just try to pretend it never happened.
meanwhile..so i was over there with them last night. having a really good time feeling comfortable & whatnot. then like it got to the point me & the fallen were actually talking. everyone was laughing & having fun. we were in the bed & i was tryna fall asleep on his arm & his phone rings & he runs into the living room & i waited but he never came back & i couldnt sleep so i tried to leave i went in the restroom looking for my boot & when i was getting my stuff off the counter i heard him from the couch askin me if i was leavin & i said yea i cant sleep & he said me neither
so i sat down & listened to em talk
he told me a lot. about her (ex-baby mama) that she had called, etc. everything he had learned from the situation and what he thought about it now.
idk. i like listening to him but i also just like being the one he tells
but yea i talked a little too. i forgot hes a good listener too. idk. i told em it was a relief to talk to him. & that i still feel like..were the same. idk how but theres something. but thatll be the last i say.
i dont want him to think i still like him so i know i gotta hop off
but i wouldnt mind us being friends cause he fits the bill for all the stuff i said
i dont want anything physical with anyone
i mean unless its just kissing thats fine
but the whole thing, no. i just wanna be without right now
it messes everything up & im over it
but yea... i just want someone to be around & talk to all the time & i know he could be the best friend type
i think i just miss having an extremely fine best friend like i used to lol
but yea idk. theres always this other person. but anyway
so thats what was on my mind. at the end of the night he put me at ease which was crazy cuz that is normally the opposite of what he does
i wanted to go over there today too but i really do have work i need to do.
homework, etc. & i know i cant be all on their tip like i used to
i dont want to really
when i say im no longer attracted to him im not
thats not what i want at all
im way too masculine to be with someone that feminine
& i hate the music crap
the unrealistic dream stuff makes me uncomfortable
& theres just a lot hes the opposite of what i want
hes just somewhat pretty to look at and someone to flirt with
but yea. so im getting to know myself more
& as i do i like myself more
my confidence is going up. hairs growing (thank God)
but its moreso like my inner workings that i find valuable
even more than the outside but im having fun with that too
anyway the going out & ish im over, planning to go back into hiding
come out about once a month to relieve my socially hyperactivity. with little socialisms in between if im invited. but yea i just wanna get back closer to God & center my life correctly. continue soul searching, get stronger
be better.
oh yea i think i wanna go into medicine.
as of now, im planning to get my nutrition degree so i can work while i earn my biochem degree & hopefully after that go to med school.
which puts me in school forever but for now why not
i cant plan my life for getting married & having kids cause i have no idea when thats gunna happen ive done that way too much
but yea so im happy right now doing well. back on track
especially with my weight. im doing very well in that aspect
tyG for regulating everything daily i love u k gonna go work now

letting it fade away

eh, things come & go
tyG for giving me peace
& my sense of self back just..in the fact that i am who i am period.
its nice to know again
still trying to draw back closer to Him
i got off track for so long
ive made progress in all other areas except the most important
about to read scripture now & try to get back in the routine
im excited for tomorrow to be over so i can go back into hiding
havent texted or talked to the boy since um. tuesday?
im happy actually
i feel myself starting to get over him. now all i gotta do is let myself
if i can just get into my books & my structure, i wont have time for a boy anyway
got a shoot planned for vday. well before, but the pics will be up
kind of an f love shoot. to redeclare myself. cant wait its gunna be great
just spent like 2 hours organizing my life for school
i love doing that
it makes me feel in control..shoot even if im not
but an update.
boys..are a distraction,
if i just live life & do what im supposed to & participate mentally in my life..i wont have time for one
as for THE boy, idk. i feel us slipping away.
i feel like we've gone as far as we can
we had fun when we were "talking" but i dont feel progress upto this point is up to par
& im just now entertaining the idea that were not meant to be
i prolonged it as long as i could but it doesnt hurt anymore
id be happy if he felt the way i need him to feel about me
but he doesnt & its not something you grow into
its something thats already there that u just dig deeper into over time
im thinking the reaosn im so into him is lack of selection as usual
so im just waiting for a new prospect
but at the same time..i dont even want to get close to someone new
seeing where it goes (nowhere)
so im good. just wanna be over him completely so i can go on with life
i mean itll be fine to have that little unfinished business & someone to impress when u go out
& someone to flirt w/ if u see em
but im over thinking its gunna be more
were on different pages in life, basically in different books
its not his fault or mine guess it just isnt what i thought itd be
but hey, whatever. lifes not over
i might see em tomorrow @ lillies pre game. might not. im not expecting anything
had a convo with God yday about helping me not contact him
caus ei know its gunna b like..i want someone to go back to afterwards cause everyones gunna go their separate ways to all their different boos
& im gunna want one. but eh, im done doing it
im not happy with any of my current..whatever they are
especially this one. we should b closer by now
i just wanna talk to em everyday. tell e/o everything. be best friends over anything
but were just acquaintances with the occasional intimate slip up every now & then
im not convinced he has any intentions of furthering it ever.
& im interested to see how long we go without talking from here lol
i seriously think it could b two weeks before i see em again & itll be by accident if i dont tomorrow. pretty sure hell be there. but anyway
tyG cause i think about em less & less & when i do its just realizations of how different reality is from my previous thoughts.
thank you for releasing me from the nightmare.
things are getting back to normal
im loving him less everyday
and loving myself more
really:) which is awesome!
i do have a crush. shoot but i dont c that going anywhere lol
ps though...he hasnt updated his fb status since...idk maybe last week? tuesday maybe? he gets on but only briefly i think on his phone to do little stuff,.
his classes are all like easy core stuff. i guess he plays bball at night idk what hes been doin. but hes def been "busy" smh lol

better

wow..looking at blogs from the past i was really delusional
i hate it when im like that
anyway long story short it got to the point i made em talk on 'day 5" and he said he thought it would "better us" if we were just friends & he wanted to go back to how we were. which is what i wanted too. things have gotten better
but he hasnt changed much
i have
ive just loosened up
i dont make lovey statuses anymore
even though if i wanna write on his wall or like a pic or comment i just do it now
& most the time if i wanna text em i just do
sometimes he texts me
which is an improvement
its better than when we were officially talking i can say that
i dont sit around paranoid anymore but its more God has given me the strength to just not let myself do it
i try to focus on other things
& since were not..wll idk if we are, but if were not which i dont think we are
talking,
i have no right to do a lot of the things i used to. so i just chill & pretend not to care
finally got to go over there after the plex
we didnt talk about "us"
it was really just like old times but after a while he did get like..idk on me
i cant say it was the most affectionate thing in the world
i get his humor now so i dont find him as rude as i used to though hes definitely never just out right sweet
we just fought (play fight) & fake argued
he did bring up me dancing on the other void prospect (he doesnt know hes a void prospect) but he brought it up twice in a reproachful tone which made me think he might have cared
i did see him watching me several times
i wanted to b around him & i did want him there im not gunna lie
BUT i went about my own thing i ddint talk to em once we got in the party
i talked to em after though
told em to tell me when he got back & he did
so i went over there
we were just looking up his classes & watching tv at first
then we were fighting
then we were just talking about whos friends with who & this & that
i remember now thats how we got to know e/o
hes a good listener
we talked about how i never go out & how im not that close to some peeople
and how i used to be when i first came
& he was like 'thats good you grew up though' i was like 'i changed a lot" and he was like 'for the better though" and it was cool after that we were just laying there kinda cuddled up. at first he told me to come here and i wouldnt then he turned over & i waited but he was going to sleep so i made em wakeup and i was like "wutcha doin" lol and he was like" what..layin down..haha what you doin" lol i was like ';dont go to sleep" he was like 'well shit since u over there chillin" lol so..idk i felt a little like he might want to take advantage of the time with me idk i feel mixed emotions about the whole thing. but yea we were just hugged up & he was rubbing the small of my back & i was rubbing the back of his neck while we were talking. then idk how we got past talking. oh yea idk i turned over & i wasnt facing him. & he was like feeling my face & then my lips thats how it went on haah
i still feel chills when he touches me. but we didnt get into the usual cuddle position from the git. i was laying on top of the covers at first. and he had to kind of playfully force his way into usbeing in a more intimate position.
i mean the way i feel is different from how i normally feel. im not all lovey dovey like i was thank you Lord that is a 100% miracle. I still like him. a lot. & if i could choose someone to be with it would be him, but i still want us to get closer. i still feel like we should naturally be closer than we are now by this point & i do get the feeling sometimes that there is no opportunity for advancement, ive just never seen it happen. i didnt do the "were just friends" thing. probably shouldve. but like, as friends, hes not allowed to say anything about who i dance with or anything i do. that made me think he does somewhat associate himself with me im not quite sure. idk if he was just sayin whatever. but he brought it up. and afterwards like outside the party he hugged me and felt my back and was like "dang youre sweaty u musta been working." so it was a good 2-3 times he brought it up i didnt defend myself (thank you God for helping me be cool) cause i dont have to. & i didnt chop him up about anything. but he was sayin he was just chillin (the usual thirsty drunk freshman wasnt there) so i was like just cause your normal groupies werent there and he was like 'there were girls there" so he acted like he made it a point that i was dancing and he wasnt. like it was a personal choice. i mean these are just things that if i thought he still liked and wanted to talk to me, would serve as confirmation. but i guess i could assume that theres still something just from the fact that i was over there. he told me two girls slept in his bed the night before randomly. & he slept on the couch? lol but yea. oh and when i told em where randall lived (that it was a boy) he got quiet. idk. he never struck me as the jealous type so im like blah whatever lol idk what it is im not assuming anything he doesnt tell me. it surprised me tho when i went over there he was all in bed & shirtless watchin tv super comfortable like he expected me to spend the night and i actually wasnt planning on it. so i guess hes kinda used to me too. at this point thats my only concern. im over the trust issues. i know he could do whatever and i either wouldnt know or would have to find out the hard way, i mean theres a chance. theres no proof for good or bad. so im not like "oh he would never" do anything. but im over that paranoia stuff cuz if he decides to do me wrong it wont be because of me. ive been on my best behavior ive been nothing but nice. & i never trip on him about anything.
i just worry that maybe hes so comfortable like..im just..kinda there at this point. like if some new pretty girl comes along for him to get to know, im gunna be left behind because i mean we already know eachother. im not new and exciting to him. i dont think. i feel like on his part theres no passion. when we are kissing & this & that yea theres passion but boys can duplicate that with anyone theyre attracted to. so im just tryin to go about life & not think about it. i dont feel incredibly welcome or wanted at the time..idk. im not trippin. tyG. i mean..if we are 'talking" still, i believe that if i make it past this month we will have been talking longer than him & anyone else at this school. & hes already made it for the longest ive talked to anyone continuously. so..yea. idk. things went down. like i said, i dont distrust em anymore. i feel like we made it through a lot. now i guess i just gotta let it see where it goes. see if it gets better or if it just dies off and either way let it be. i dont wanna be without em. idk. i guess i just dont have anyone else right now. & i do like him. i dont wanna accept that you know its just.. not gunna happen ever. but at the same time im not trippi on a title right now. i just wanna get to the point where we talk every day. tell eachother everything. you know, get some collateral. so that i know im a crucial part of his life and hes a crucial part of mine. i want us to be best friends. i still look at his fb. but not as often. mostly just to see what hes doin. i did text em yday. just to c how his first day was. the convo was cool nothin special. i did tell em he needs to come to MY room one of these days but he aint say nothin. i think im just gunna give up on us ever having a meaningful conversation via text lol. im just getting usedto how he is hes an in person or not at all type person. do i want something more.. MORE.? yes. but like i said. right now, i like him & i think he likes me. im not gunna turn down other options for him. speaking of. today, let another OLD "option" kinda of take its course. nothing to write home about. i did think about him the whole time though & it made me realize if its someone i know right now, i dont want em if its not him. if i meet someone new maybe but like..idk. i just want him more consistently. hes not reliable right now. idont have any collateral & i would really like to have some. i just hope that if someone moves on first its me cause i dont wanna feel that again. i have been thinking about valentines day. i think im gunna wait til like 1 week before & see where things are before i pursue other options lol i already have a friend in mine. if i decide to care. i might now. i mean every year i would love to have someone. i want flowers and a bear and to feel special. at one point i thought maybe wed be official by then. HA. haha i laugh at that now i really do. theres no way. i dont c us doing that..period now. we'll see. things can change drastically overnight who knows what almost a month could do. but im not gunna hint. or hope. or pray about it. i just wanna be at peace with things as they are. however they are at any given time. right now the only thing i would change about us is that id have us talking more. like everyday and more often. but im cool. im not gunna ponder all the ppl he could be talking to or what he could b doing. i know if i wanted to know i could ask and he would tell me. he hasnt been on fb the last thing on his wall is a post from me :) but yea um im just gunna guess he went to class & is playing basketball. the only thing other than that ive even heard of him doing is playing video games with malik. I thank God for the confidence ive gained. im pretty sure im the best he could do. surely im the best option he has credential wise and lookwise and by rating of heart. but its about who youre attracted to. i dont take that away from how i view myself though. i know i have a lot to offer thats not my concern. i just think right now hes not trippin on a girl. i think before i was just remembering like getting swept off your feet by somebody you really like that makes you want to cuff. andi was like man if its not me someones gunna come along, and they still might. i hope they dont but i cant stop em. i just.. hope that if the bug does bite him its with me. i think it already bit me and im recovering now lol but yea im just gunna focus on school & not getting too caught up because if i give school my 100% anyway, im not gunna have time to be how i want us to be. i could make time but i probably wont need to. ugh i wish he was the LEAST bit romantic i really would die if i got a bear and flowers on vday. but were just..not like that. were basically friends with benefits at this point. its not my dream coem true but thats just my interpretation. and i dont wanna be alone and thats what i have right now. its crazy i can literally picture like if i dont text him, us like not talking for a good two weeks. especially not seeing eachother i think thats just about over. ill probably see him friday at lillies pre game. POSSIBLY tomorrow at her bday dinner im not sure. everyones broke right now lol im hoping that on friday if hes there maybe we can have a repeat of monday (except better.) but idk its a long shot. i actually didnt text em today. i wanted to as soon as old prospect left because i was wondering if hed careif he found out. would he be like WHAT and never talk to me again. i think hed care. but yea, we'll see. ill give it a few days and see if he says anything. but as for everything weve been doing a lot better. we dont normally go a full day without talking. its usually me but every now and then its him. or he'll like a facebook status or a pic or something. & im getting close to all his friends. i tried a little in the beginning but its not hard theyre all super cool. especially door # 1 that ish just happens. hes the closest one. him & his gal r so cute man i wish he would be an influence on his friend lol but shrug. who knows. anyway. i just hope things get better and we get closer not further apart as school goes on because if it can be considered cumulative we have almost been talking for two months. & if it matters, he still feels new and exciting to me. :) anyway kbye

help me let em go

God just helpe me let em go.
when i look at his pics now. and his videos
hes already got his whole life, i dont fit
before, idk when you both like e/o you make adjustments
it just happens
you meet their friends
yall meet halfway
they just include you
its the intertwinement of lives
when youre apart it all seems so complicated
and im like what was i thinking? how did i think this would work
this is just a guy you liked that showed you some attention
thats about it
and we didnt even make it into the new year
if it was gunna work why would it break down so early
he did this. not me
i fought to keep it
its what he wanted
hes not even like that
hes not romantic
i keep going thru my memory, reliving mo0ments to see what i saw in him
what made me think we could be all this
ididnt draw the conclusion out of thin air
it was the old him
he WAS sweet
he always let me win
hed give me my way to make me happy
he spoiled me
we had amazing times together
i guess mostly when we were alone but at the plex that was fun
idk
i miss that. that was a LONG time ago tho
i a LONG time ago
LONG
almost a month. :( wow, its been THAT long. yea. it has. that loong since we were doing good & that long since weve even seen eachother
and he doesnt even miss me
gosh, yea girl
he sure did like you
psh
do you want a guy that wont tell you he misses you?
that will never gal you
that starves you for affection
he just led me on. sigh
idk what the deal is. all i know is i gotta keep moving toward getting over him
God just help me let em go its for my own good
cause if i get my hopes up
thinking hes gunna come for me
and save me
and ...the same thing that always happens
happens,
its gunna hurt worse the second time
it always does
i cant give him the upper hand
they dont use it to fix things
they just take it and i feel dumb
i cant give anymore
i wanna be with him. but i cant have what i want can i?
i want his heart. more than anything
but i cant have that
so God just help me be strong & let him go

undeniably better day

yesterday was good. i just had a brief spout of depression at work. so i guess "day 1" wasnt so horrible. & i did sleep...after a little bit of fantasizing.
i shouldnt have let myself but it wasnt that bad
i didnt dream about em
i was like eff it if im gunna cry myself to sleep anyway
and im not gunna die..so i just
i guess dreamed about what it would be like if he was how i thought
if he had been freakin out all this time
& somehow could read my mind & was suddenly just aware of what i wanted
[im gunna describe how the daydream went then ill go back to today]
anyway so i guess he told me to come over there? anyway after i had been worn down i guess. so i drive to cullen. he meets me at the gate. theres all kind of like passion and that "pull" in the hair. ive been crying & he can tell, theres still like wetness & mascara mess but its not ugly lol (of course not its a dream)
but yea and he just sees me and hes like ..omg r u crying & he of course like puts his arms around me & pulls me to his chest (where my head is on him lol)
and just holds me there & i cry a little more & he just keeps saying im so sorry
michelle...stop crying. im so sorry...omg and i can picture his face
like holding me and looking up and around like "wow what do i do"
but he really does feel bad then he pulls me back and wipes my tears and holds my face and looks me like dead in the eyes and says michelle..i am really, really sorry
and i just look down and he lifts up my chin with his perfect touch, Gah i always wanted a guy that could get away with smooth ish like that. i promise he looks like he would b the lamest do but he is super smooth like wtf. anyway
and he pulls my chin up and looks at me and says. im sorry..i didnt know it hurt you that much. do you believe me. and i cry a little more & knod my head & he takes my hand and walks me to the room. then were in the room or w/e & the tvs off and im sitting against the pillow with my knees against my chest and hands around them and we just talk i guess. then he asks me will i please lay down so i do. i turn away & we get like we usually are. Oh dear God in those heaven sent arms. you should have to pay to lay in those arms. anyway, so yea ..everytime i keep writing i look at my phone. he hasnt texted me today. smh. idk why the hell i felt like we have this effing mind connection. like he has EVER felt my pain. EVER felt himself losing me. EVER EVER EVER texted me when i needed him to or been there when i needed him at all. my stupid fairy mind. anyway, the dream is ten times better than reality is or ever will be. i should really write a book but whatever indulge me for a minute.
so i lay down with him and im laying the opposite way for a while like we usually do. and hes rubbing me but not the same as always. its different now. with every touch of his fingertip to my skin i can feel his soul flooding onto me. the same way mine flows onto him everytime i lay there with him. but before, im pretty sure he never felt it. i feel the passion this time. i can tell that he values me and is cherishing this moment like i am. he is laying there thanking God for a second chance praying i never leave him again. its like were both glowing. and im just laying there like..idk basking in it. taken aback by the feelings. He squeezes me tight like he never wants the moment to end. finally its mutual. then he just rubs my arm. finally noticing how soft my skin is. and leans into my neck and right before he kisses it more gently than ever, he stops to take in how good i smell. he never notice before how good i smell. he kisses me several times on the neck and shoulder but just..thankful kisses. the way you kiss something you have missed dearly. and i feel like i have died and gone to heaven. theres pain but its good because he feels it too. and he just lays his cheek on my shoulder and leans over me. kind of to see what im doing. and as he pulls back my hair he feels how nice and soft it is. hes noticing everything now. it feels like he was blind before and can suddenly see. then he says michelle and i say what..and he says can you look at me. and i kind of turn then he turns me over and he just like holds me real real close and pets my hair and i can feel us both breath in with that deep breath of relief..like youve waited forever for air again. & he just asks me if im still thinking bout it and im like..no. and he says can you please forgive me. can we just go back to how we were. and i say idk..how can i trust you. you didnt want me..you just..ignored me you erased me. swatted me away like a bug and then acted like i was stranged for being bothered. you silenced me by ignoring me and made me feel so invisible. i was so sad for so long and im finally getting better you just wanna come back and make more promises just so you can break em. and he starts telling me EXACTLY LIKE OMG THE PERFECT THING FOR HIM TO SAY. he just says Michelle..look idk what i was thinking. i wasnt thinking i was just doing whatever i guess just working and being with my friends i just..didnt realize what i had waiting for me and i never saw it as that big of a deal. i was stupid idk what to say. im so sorry. i know i messed up if i coul;d take it back believe me i would. i just didnt know i hurt you like that. really..you think i dont care you think i dont feel bad but i do. i do think about you. i didnt expect you to just stop talking to me and when u did like i couldnt just forget. i havent gone and started talking to some other girl i been just trying to think of ways to talk to you. if you just give me one more chance i promise it wont be the same. i will make it up to you. and i say i njust dk and he says why wont you look at me and he sees that im crying and wipes my tears again and (this is what makes me want to DIE at this point) he says baby...and i like breath real hard and i feel the pull so much cause i have always wanted him to call me that and i never thought he would..ever. and i just look at him crazy and he says what i cant cal you baby. you know you my baby i know you know that and im like...just speechless. and its like the climax at this point theres so much freaking romantic tension in the air im pulled to so many different emotions. i feel like blessed to have this effing movie moment and then shocked that its happening and scared that its not even real. and he just looks at me and says i know i havent treated you right. i know that now i guess i ddint see it before i wasnt really paying attention. but you havent talked to me in so long and its been driving me crazy. i just let shit go i dont be trippin especially not over a girl but when youre mad at me like i just cant leave it alone. i never just felt like that before. not in a long time. i was like damn i cant believe she left me. then i would think about all the stuff you said and suddenly i started to be able to relate to what u were telling me. i was like why is she so mad. and i realized u were right. i didnt come thru on my promises i really just ignored you and i am truly sorry like.. it was like this epiphany. i never wated a girl. didnt really feel like i had time. i was just always so caught up with school and i guess my friends. but you..all i could think about was all this random stuff. how fine you were. how fucking hilarious you are. all the goofy shit you do. and like moments like this layin in my bed doin whatever. and youre smart and you got goals you work youre not lazy. you dont be in no drama. i admit i used to get annoyed when ud b trippin bout random stuff but i see it was because you cared. i know a lot of girls may like me or whatever but i dont know if any of em just cared like you did. or were as fun or just perfect. i remember when you told me you thoufght i was perfect. these past couple days or weeks or whatever. i realized thats you. youre perfect. and i was wrong to toss neglect you like i did. i shouldve treated you better. i know you dont trust me and i know why. i messed up. but if you just give it a second chance. ill prove to you i care. and im just layin there like idk what to do hes tellin me everything i wanna hear but my mind is all over the place like man i been fine without you why go back he has never come through before what makes it different telling ymself over and over michelle be smart lifes not a fairytale lifes not a fairytale lifes not a fairytale and i just say..brandon like it tooks me so long just to be ok. i wanted to be with you brandon. i was just waiting for you to ask me but you made me feel..so not good enough. and hes like i knooow im sorry. and im like i feel like were really just not on the right page we dont want the same thing im not tryna go thru this again i just wanna be happy. and he says i dont make you happy? and i said..you did. and he says you wont let me make you happy again? do you still want to be with me? and i just..look down. and curl up against his chest and he says oh my goodness why do u keep doing that and he pulls me up and im like omg hes so strong uughh sexy ass lol and he makes me look at him and he says do you want to be my girlfriend. and im lookin at him like ugh nigga dont be stupid and i say brandon. like omg that shit is rude u didnt want nothin to do with me u didnt have time for me before now u expect me to believe u want me to be your girlfriend just because what i was mad/? thats like tellin someone they won the lottery and then say SYKE! thats mean dont play with me u aint fitna change that relationship status and he says oh my goodnesss and kind of rolls over and hes like you dont believe me why would i say something like that michelle think about it im not trippin on no facebook ill change it right now and im like ..ur fuckin serious? and hes like well now dang.and im like ok do you just wanna know or are you saying WILL I? na dhe says omg. youre difficult. WILL YOU? and i say, if youre serious, yes. and he says THANK YOU. geez. and i just turn over so i can cheeeeese so hard and almost cry and just thank the LORD because i cannot believe this is happening and 2011 is the best year ever and this is the best night of my life! & after that he turns over too and says wuchu smilin about and i say dang im happy can i be happy shit! and he says yea im glad you finally are. if youre happy im happy then he kisses me on my neck and then like idk it goes from there. he comes closer to me and i push my hips back on em. and he starts rubbin on my sides and pullin my hips against him and kissin on my neck and were both breathing hard and he turns me over and we start kissing and its like..better than ever and i feel like i dont even deserve to be this happy. i wrap my arms completely around his neck and he pulls my legs around his back and were just rollin around kissin and stuff and im like you better not change your mind in the morning and he looks at me like psh and he says i wont and goes about whatever. and you know it goes from there lol..
i had SO many dreams about us. just..being best friends. being well known for being together and being that couple that like when someone says they like brandon whoever they told is gon tell em bout me and basically say good luck with that one. takin pics everywhere we go. him asking me if i wanna come with him to freaking whataburger just to have me in the car. allll his friends knowin who i am. everyone bein able to tell when we have problems cause he gets all upset and his friends ask me michelle what is goin on with you and brandon. to be able to put a whole album dedicated to us and lovey statuses gallore. valentines day is coming up. then theres my bday. birthday dinner him sitting next to me meeting my family and stuff. he doesnt have to come to my competition but if he did hed ride with me and if he didnt come hed be texting me all day and make a status like good luck to my girl in her competition today shes gunna win. and like his friends be able to make fun of him like nigga you sprung. and for us to be the last one standing. when everyone breaks up, we gon make it. cause no matter what we go thru our feelings get deeper everyday and we cannotlive regular happy lives without eachother. til i know everrything about this man and he knows everything about me. when im mad about something i text him and he says smh what happened now and i tell em and hes like ugh but he listens. i go workout and then watch him play basketball. bring em food home from work. then theres padre. relays. it would be so fun. we could be in the same place but not have to be all on eachothers tips. i could loosen up if he would TIGHTEN up. but thats just me, im always willing to be better for him. i care enough to try to keep him.
it sounds nice doesnt it? anyone reading would smile and be like ahh its like a dream! too bad it is. too too bad. cause we really could be so perfect.
im trying.
to force myself to accept reality
instead of trying to mold it into my little fantasies
i know my daydreams have destroyed relationships
but my mind only creates stimulus where there is none
my delusions only happen when reality is not doing the trick
whenever we were closer, i just reinacted real life in my brain
let me make it clear he was MORE than enough
all i wanted was more of what we already had
ill still always wonder why. if he liked me then why did he neglect me why ignore me and put everything under the sun before me
but if he didnt like me, why stay? is that what he does with all girls
i thought about it last night what it would be like for him
if this time of me not speaking to him would make him like me more or less
if he would compare girls to me or not
like i know im a good kisser. among other things.
i know my physical-stuff style is different and usual tends to be more advanced than the average guirl my age. feels like most other girls if it gets to that point would surely be boring they dont participate as much
(still keep checking the phone)
anyway. and i wonder if he has good chemistry with everyone. like does he chill with everyone like he chilled with me? he talked to taylor apparently for a good montha and a half maybe more so its like..they lasted longer than us. it is 100% possible that he liked her more. or maybe she just wasnt as "needy"
idk. it takes me a while to come down from the fairy tales
but today was cool.
i think im still a little buzzed because he texted me yday
i try not to think about it but im probably only less miserable because i thought he didnt care at ALL. and the fact that he texted me shows i at least crossed his mind
i commented on maliks pic today and mikes status (his friends) so i feel like its only a matter of time til he notices im never on his timeline or clicks on my picture. to see if i have my phone maybe after a couple days pass and i still havent texted back
i cant imagine him texting me again after i ignored him yesterday especially if he knows i deliberately ignored him
too proud. he aint beggin for shit
i know he cares when ppl r mad at him but i think if he sees i deleted him hell probably just be mad at me. at least at first. and be like okay its beef. now that i think about it, it was a little crucial. but im sorry ive felt so much better since i did it if im supposed to b getting over him why does it matter.
its gunna define "us" really. its gunna show if he ever cared. if he can just let me go without so much as a plea, then as insulting as that is, ill just be gone and eventually ill be over him. little by little every day my image of him gets lower. and i accept his heartlessness. little by little.
obviously i still like him.
i still daydream. its still hard to separate it. but..im trying
didnt cry today
didnt even have the urge
im not sad. right now.
i feel like it could get ugly.
when he sees that i deleted him it could get ugly.
and if he ever does decide to fight me on it ...which honestly, id probably love but not if hes just gunna stay the same. i wanna get close to him not further and i dont wanna like get close just long enough to keep me on board then go back to neglect. id freaking LOVE for him to feel bad and wanna make it up to me. duh.
im trying to adjust to the idea that thats not going to happen. because there is a HUGE majority percentage possibility that this is it. that hes not gunna fall for some hissy fit and hes not gunna chase me down the road. i guess we'll find out how he thought of me. i feel like it had been over for a minute. his actions are so effing loud his words are pretty much silent now. ugh girl stop chekcing the phone.
but yea. day 2. was a success. i didnt eat AWESOME but i made myself workout and i didnt eat bad. it was a day of procrastination. i dont wanna sleep late anymore. wasted a whole day lol.
if were gunna be honest. yes i do miss old Brandon.
terribly. but not as much as i really just feel like the whole thing was a lie. hes basically a stranger. i still go to his page. im glad i cant see his wall but i do look at his pictures. he is adorable. honestly, and especially compared to his friends, his style is questionable BUT idk. i guess i jsut miss the idea. its embarrassing what i let myself think. it gets a little less shameful everyday.
and little by little im starting to except that i have ZERO control over the situation. annnnd that.. he really is gone.