So. I dont know how i feel. but i was honest.

I'm not happy I told him. But I know I did the right thing. hes a nice guy. and i still love him. but he doesnt get it. an HES the one who shouldve appreciated what he had. he has some growing to do but regardless his resonse showed his true character. letting me take the fall. not being sorry for crushing me. not trying to fix it. sleeping with me when he has no feelings for me. he doesnt deserve me as a friend. i just told him like...i been hiding how bad he hurt me. how i feel invisible. how im walking away with nothing and i want to get over him and i cant do it while were friends. and that i dont trust him. that i feel like i dont know him which is true. and just that i needed to be away from him idk how long. he may not say anything thats fine. i told him that. i told him he cant say anything to fix it or make it better and ive been hurt so bad that im pretty much immune so whatever he says wont make me happy or sad. that i dont hate him and part of me still wants him and i hate that part of me and i want it to go away. i mean. its not..im not like...happy. i thought wed be together ya know. thought wed be working on things. thought id be over there tomorrow id love to go over there and be with him and love on him and know it meant something but it doesnt. and it meant something to me. im not an fwb or a fuck buddy and i dont do that with my friends. it justhurts. to do everything and get nothing and to feel like a fool. but the only thing i can do is rip the splinter out and put a bandaud iver ut and let it heal. i want to enjoy my life. and i can do that now that hes out of it. idk. i dont want to think about it. i dont want to care. i just want to move forward ya know. and i mean..idk. i know i didnt hurt him. or upset him. i dont have the power. but i was honest. and now he knows whats up. i couldnt walk around mad at him and hurting and let him think were friends. friends dont hurt eachother and he couldve protected me at any time. i dont believe he cares about me. he may think im a good person but he feels nothing for me and provavly wouldnt even if i died. seriously. its time to move forward. and i kinda wanna crawl under a rock. probably gunna be somewhat antisocial for a minute. BUT. NOW i can start making progress. tomorrow is a new day. a free day. my first day sober and now i am everyday a step closer to no longer being addicted to this thing thats been hurting me. and things will get better from here.

To You, I'm Mad At YOu

I'm mad at you. I'm very mad at you. And hurt. and my heart is broken like it has been since the beginning of October. and I cannot BELIEVE essentially YOU came out on top. I want to yell at you and make you feel like shit. But IT WONT DO ANYTHING. Theres no relief for this. I'm sitting over here all worked up while youre CHILLIN as usual. You have everything you want everything your way. And i want to take it away. If I thought you would help me at all I would say something to you. and talk to you about it. but what would i say? What would I even say? I don't want to tell you anymore how I feel about you. I don't want you to feel good. I shouldve left it at that Im sick of making you feel good when you make me feel so bad :( you walk out unscaved feeling free and Im in fucking tears. anyway. God give me strength. he said he wanted me to talk to him if things were bothering me. and this is bothering me. i think i'm going to have to just tell him the deal. and like...let us be kind of acquaintances and not really close friends. k THIS IS WHAT I ACTUALLY TEXTED HIM

When it comes to you honestly I feel like a fly on the wall. Like I am invisible. No matter what I do, just invisible and I'd take it ALL back if I could. If I had known that the more I was there, the more I did, the less you'd see me until I literally fade into invisibility. I blame myself but thats just me I always take responsibility bc I'm the only thing I can control. It's like...how dare I talk about Dustyn. Something must be wrong with me to even be able to be so obsessed with someone who would really only feel any kind of emotion if I got very sick or died. Its the most confusing thing. And its not your fault its not directly anyones fault. Im the cause and you just reacted. Its just like...5 months of like .dedication hard work and commitment and I have less than when I started! in fact, all I have is like old ass pics and one new one to prove that it even happened. You felt more when you barely knew me! At least then you found me attractive. Everything I did..I guess treating you how a GIRL wants to b treated even though im the girl...made me so unattractive to you that while most relationships go FORWARD with time I literally did the opposite. I am like flabbergasted. You TOLD ME why the FUCK didnt I just LISTEN?! WHO does that. And you know honestly this whole time I did it bc your words said one thing but your actions said another now I find the WHOLE THING was a lie. And I try to b so strong and I think I am cause I go on and I deal with it. And I make the best of it. But it hurts. I wont lie. My feelings are hurt my pride is hurt and my heart never really healed from the first time you broke it in october. Cause I wouldnt like...give it a rest. I was too busy trying to hold us together. I was just..I knew if I let you go you would just b gone. I shouldve just done it!! I feel like the twilight zone! Like I was delusional. All of a sudden there were so many red flags and now youre finally being honest and I appreciate that. But it doesnt..absolve. like. Now the consequences have to happen. I think honestly though at firsr the reason I wanted to b friends was because I figured eventually if you ever liked me the feelings would come back but how could they? If you did it was A LONG time ago. But this is all I got. Every single one of my cards is on the table and youre not impressed by any of them. I think I could take all my cards and walk away with the table and you wouldn't blink. I feel like I just woke up into a nightmare and I'm fucking embarrassed. And ASHAMED. 23 years old bout to turn 24 and after everything I been through and smart as I may be I was THAT GIRL? I want to crawl under a freaking rock. I mean I guess boys are different from girls I can't have sex with someone I have no feelings for. Especially someone I know has super strong feelings for me. I remeber what that was like. Not fun at all. I mean I don't like initiate intimacy with anyone I don't REALLY like. Definitely don't like hang out with them and do all of the above. The reality is I barely talk to any of my friends. I dont know if you noticed that. You are the only person I was really close to. My friends WISH id see them as much as I saw you but I won't make the drive cause I don't care. I'm there for them when they need me but friends are disposable to me I know it sounds bad. All I really care about is my family. I only have a few friends who I deem loyal and useful enough to even keep around. And it'll always b that way I am so 100% in relationships including friendships so I can't afford to have that many and most people don't equal it.n friendship though it should be equal. The only way for me and you to be equal is for me to basically take away everything. Me and my guy friends though it may not seem that c way we BARELY speak. And NO ONE besides dustyn and garrisen (rarely bc he is willing to make the drive) sees me. I don't do anything for them im there if they need me but that's about it. I have to b honest like everuthing I've ever done for you I did out of love. From my heart. But I feel like I've had it. I don't feel anything anymore. From you telling me you were happy I had a date I guess that was the slap in the face I needed because I have not been the same since. It's in my nature to be sweet and its habit when it comes to you. But like... now when I look at you I see....dishonesty. ..and pain. It's hard for me to imagine you caring about me. When I think that this whole time meant nothing to you. You were THE ONLY person I ever even looked at and the only person I would even dream of letting touch me. And you were 100% cool with someone else doing the same thing. Referred to it as "hooking up" when it meant so much more to me than it seemed like damn you can "hook up" with anybody. But not me. I don't hook up. I don't do fuck buddies or fwbs. I can't. You know I'm super traditional that's my thing with relationships Im just a monogamous person I don't think you should just fool around. Hell well you can I won't judge anyone else. I just can't live with myself doing that. And before it was ok bc we were at least exclusive. The way we have been since declaring ourselves "friends" has been what was missing when we were more. It's what I wanted from you from the beginning. I just thought a relationship was what caused it but what I wanted was trust and to be close to you. to talk to you and be the one you turned to. Didn't know it til I got it recently. But what is missing now that I didn't realize then was EMOTION and exclusivity.

Anyway basically though on my part the trust isn't fully there. Idk if you noticed but I kept giving you like. ..verbal situations where you could correct me and say what you used to say "of course I like you I just don't want a relationship" which NOW fast forwarded a few months later and now that all the kinks had been worked out, wouldve been 100% permissable. But like... you being HAPPY to have me go on a DATE with someone else. Me saying I know you'll find someone else one day and you being like thanks. And time after time after time you just confirming that we can act like were together just without any verbal affection and you dont give a shit what I do, like. I dont feel rhe same. I feel...stupid. and I feel like I been selling myself short and doing the MOST and like I said im embarrassed. But essentially like we can be friends. No reason to be enemies. But after the lie basically was revealed ..I just...I feel like I dont know you ya know? I feel like I thought I did but I dont. So I just figure instead of sitting here dealing with this and battling and trying to handle it on my own trying not to look a certain way when I know in my heart I dont care how I look to you anymore. I just...am what I am. Theres nothing left to show. You can know everything about me within 5 minutes of meeting me im just that kind of person. There is no mystery. If I actually like you there isnt a chase. Im point blank period. But im honest. I may say too much but im honest. And I always tried to put you first. I tried to let youbgo and be happy and im sorry I didnt. But the reason was from the heart. I dont know what your reasons were. But...I dont believe that you care about me. That you can kiss me like you mean it and sleep with me and be super sweet and still say you have no feelings for me. Still let me carry on even though I pour my heart out to to you and tell you im not over you.

Youll never know what its like to be inivisible to someone you would take a bullet for. to give EVERYTHING you have mentally and physically and to walk away with NOTHING. I have been beating myself up...and you let me. Since november you just...let me..do everything. You never asked for it. I know it was all me. But you let me. You tried to tell me. I know. But your actions said different than your words. You KNOW my beliefs. Now I feel like a cheap whore. And very very stupid. I made a lot of mistakes. But...I tried. I always gave you 100% and I do it with everyone I care about. I just..I really tried to do right and it went so wrong. I know you would never do all of this on purpose. But part of you I think did. I hold my shit together. But I really think you hurt me more than my bf sleeping with my best friend. Bc he made a miatake. He felt SO BAD. and he did everything he could to make up for it and make sure I was ok. You.. just let me hurt.

I think I owe it to myself not to keep people like that around. You did help me in a lot of ways and I do appreciate those. But you knownin your heart that you only ever gave me about 5%. Im so sorry I shouldve listened. You tried to tell me I know I couldve listened. but I was blinded by my feelings. TRUE feelings. For you. What were you blinded by?

We cant be close like we were. I need time away from you to heal. Who knows how long usually not very. But ive never felt like this. Ive always been too caught up in emotion but I see now. And it hurts but I want to just deal with it and get through it and move forward instead of living in delusion. I know you dont care so this probably means nothing. Means something to me though. I need to forget. And forgive myself and feel good again and kind of just do some soul searching. I cant be friends with someone I dont trust and I dont think a broken heart can heal while still engaging with the one who broke it. You dont have to explain yourself! Theres nothing left to do. Nothing you can say can make it better. I dont want to make you feel bad. But if you ever felt how I feel right now I would feel horrible. I would not be okay until you were. I always want you to be happy. Seeing you happy makes me happy. I cant think of the last time you did something to make me happy. You say you want that but..idk what youre talking about. Idk. Idk what to think. All I know is what I see.

I cant keep like...hiding my pain so you dont feel bad. Ive taken on the brundt of EVERYTHING this whole time and I was wrong to do it. So im going to stop. Im being honest now. And im sorry. But I cant pretend. Last night I was crying in the car apologizing to God for making this mistake and not listening and also for what I did to garrisen and thinking I deserve to feel how I do. And then I prayed that he would let it skip you. That I dont want when you finally have someone you care about for them to hurt you like this. Like break the cycle just let him be happy it doesnt help me to hurt anyone else. And that just made me see like as usual im thinking bout you. Youre in my freaking bedtime prayers. This whole time I wanted to believe things would work out cause my intentions were pure and innocent. Really? What am I 5? Is this a disney movie? Im an idiot. And I want to stop. Talking to you and even knowing that you think we're friends feels wrong. I have to take back what I said. That id always be here no matter what you do. It's not true. You havent changed. You said you wouldnt and that wasnt a lie. But I have. Something in my mind has switched. I can't be the same person I was to you cause I never shouldve been. you never wanted or needed anything I did and it just doesn't feel good to be the fool. Its not all your fault. Im not perfect either. I can be a real bitch. And emotional and stupid. But I was honest. And I really did care about you. It is a big deal. Very rarely do you find someone who is just THAT loyal and whose feelings are TRUE and unconditional and a broken heart is always painful. WE ..feels wrong to even say we now. ..anyway WE were not a big deal. I was wrong to make it one. So many things i did wrong that i regret so much. All I wanna do is set things right.

I never know what to say. I akways sound crazy. I don't care. And I am akways scared of what you'll say or that you won't say anything. But it just. .. doesn't even matter. I am immune at this point. Ive been hurt si many times for so long and its my own damn fault but I mean what could possibly be any different? Theres nothing you can say that will hurt more than you saying you are happy that I have a date. Everything hurts. There's nothing different. You can't say anything to make me happy or sad its all the same and I honestly don't know what's true or what's a lie cause I don't know YOU. Idk. Idk anymore. I'm completely lost and just.... blank. I just needed to b 100% real for a minute. That's all i know to do..anyway it doesn't matter regardless. But at least I can say I told you.
I don't hate you. And I'm not mad. I don't think you're scum. I just don't KNOW you. And you may not know me. Maybe we weren't meant to know eachother. Deep deep down part of me still just...whatever you are whoever you are part of me still wants it. And I hate that part of me. I want it to go away. Cant do that if I keep giving it reasons. 

MUCH BETTER DAY..Removing Myself From Pain and Letting My Heart Heal

I felt great pretty much all day. mostly cause i took some awesome butt pics. for instagram and didnt know my butt looked that good. by the end of this year im going to look so freaking photogenic lol anyway yea that put me in a great mood. and also that i didnt really think about him today. then at the gym i decided to go ahead and tell him today that i wouldnt be going over tomorrow because i realized sunday is the superbowl and i didnt want him to cancel on me. i wanted to be the one. and of course he said "ok thats cool." im just..so sick of being disposable to him. i dont want to be his friend. how can i? he hurt me! a LOT. im mad at him. i get it i let him hurt me but im done doing that. im done putting myself in harms way and settling for whatever i can get from him which is nothing. i also apologized to garrisen because it breaks my heart to think i made him feel how i have felt dealing with Corey. I dont want to deal with it anymore. honestly it would be perfectly okay if we didnt speak. ever again. i mean....yea no i dont need him. i will hire professionals to help me. hes essentially useless. hes never there. its ridicullous. and i dont just want to stop giving him everything i want to take back what ive given and i want him to know. not that he'll care but i want him to at least know. thats the only consolation i could possibly get out of any of this. is to take back whats mine. i wish i could take back all the stuff i bought em but oh well. anyway yea like i want HIM to reach out and me take FOREVER. and i want to do it continuously. and i want him to invite ME over and me say no. or say yes and then cancel. but thats the thing. thats why tere will be no consolation all i can do is stop any further pain but there will be no...like...help from him. AT ALL. i wouldnt be surprised if we didnt speak again for the entire month of february after today. really. like why would he speak to me? he never initiates conversation. im over it. BE ALONE. LOVE IT. i dont care. i will feel better in a week or so when i havent talked to him. right now, my feelings are hurt/ but at least im stronger than i was last week/ last week i kept saying ok thisll be the last time i initiate ok this is the last time and it never was. but last saturday actually was. he will not touch me anymore. we will not hang out. he will not see me. he will get no attention from me. he wont get the time of day. at all. i want to go on with my freaking LIFE. you wouldnt notice a fly on the wall and you wouldnt notice their absence so i dont expect to hear from him ever again and its relieving. i mean im going to be bored tomorrow and lonely and i already feel kinda shitty about telling him i wasnt going over there cause being with him is the highlight of my week. hes been the highlight of my life but hes also been the sole source of pain and im willing to make that sacrifice to be okay. i dont want to love him i dont want to want him or care about him or know hes alive. i want nothing to do with him ever again. now i have no highlight. there is nothing that makes me feel something or get excited or be really happy but atleast theres also nothing that rips my heart into shreds. things will keep improving from here. just gotta get through this semester. then march is my bday and the rodeo. things will get better. just gotta let myself heal.

Crappy Day Mentally. I Know I'll Be Okay.

I'm happy I have today and tomorrow off. Honestly I need it. I kinda wanna turn my phone off after the gym Who needs me? No one. I think I might leave it off all day tomorrow I cant see why not. Maybe turn it on occasionally I might see Kim tomorrow which is cool. but yea....i just need...idk good friends right now man people that love me and are positive and know me and think highly of me. I don't wan tto be alone all the time. But I dont have THAT much spare time. this medicine is good I might stay up tonight watching movies and doing physics and reading and trying to catch up. probably do the same tomorrow. And just make sure I get my workouts in for the week. I'll hve to pick a rest day it can actually be Saturday if I want it to. Anyway right now I just feel kind of ugly. And like..not too confident in any way. I wish I had kept my mouth shut and not told him how I felt. Now I know I'll feel much better when I can confidently say he doesnt think I feel that way anymore. I want to take it ALL away. if he tells me he's feeling insecure I'll encourage him. But no more free randy. No more telling him how perfect he is and how good he looks and how well hes going to do. no more sending him funny shit. i did it today but im going to start sending that shit to konrad. a real friend. or dee or cherika or someone else nowadays like right now im feeling like a lack of care for people who dont care about me and im feeling a lot more drawn to people that do. it might take weeks for him to notice but i want him to. i think i'm just going to text him on saturday and be like hey Im just going to go home okay. and if he says okay are you upset? I'll just say No No I'm okay thank you! And then go about my life. he might just say okay. i know hes not looking forward to it who gives a shit lol he probably doesnt even look forward to the physical part. i really dont even know what im going to do about that but i guess ill just pray for help and strength for God to get it off my mind cause I dont want it from him anymore. Theres not a THING Im doing or can do to make myself valuable to him or number one in his life so I am 100% willing to make that sacrifice. If me not going over there anymore and not texting him gets us to the point we barely speak im okay with that. if it makes him forget about me im okay with that. and if it opens the doors for his eyes to wander which they probably already do im okay with that too. I just...dont want to. I want to feel good and make myself feel good and focus on things i need and want to do. I can go see movies by myself or with garrisen if need be or with morgan whatever im sure i can find someone to go see movies with. it cant be him. like..i cant do ANYTHING I cannot contribute ANYTHING t the relationship anymore thats the only way its going to be even and i can feel okay. I mean no wonder why would you be invested in a relationship you pu nothing into. and all i do is put out. i doubt hell notice but its whatever honestly i dont care. he can really do whatever he wants. when i think about it...i dont even think that like..i cant even see myself trying to do things to make him like me because i cant picutre him liking me. i look at pics and we didnt even look good together. it looks weird. i mean like..why would i want to be around someone who doesnt want me? and i dont sleep with my friends. so that has to stop. i dont want to be easy anymore. i'll be there whn he needs me when has he ever needed me though ya know. hes never really asked me for anything. it was all just me going overboard and im ready to stop. i want to forget what he looks like and tastes like and feels like and rebuild my life without him. if i need help i will ask but im not giving anymore. theres nothing left TO give. all i want to do is take back. i cant wait til tomorrow so i can not talk to him all day. i hope he texts me back tonight not cause i want to talk to him but so i can not. and then tomorrow he might text me first. i dont really want aynything to do with him my view of him is changing. the mist has been lifted. hes not..an angel. hes not even a demiGod. Hes just a regular joe. nothing spectacular but anyone to me besides his body. if steve cook wanted to talk to me hed be history. but i mean...idk. yea. i want to like be happier with myself so i gotta work on myself and my work ethic! and i just want to be stronger. like..i said i wouldnt text him first so i need to not text him. i cant wait il tomorrow so i can not talk to him. and then the same on saturday and then not go over there. I cant wait til some time has passed since i was all on his dick so he can feel the lack. not so that he'll miss me. i dont even think i'd believe him if he ever aid he did he has lost his credibility with me. not so that he'll value me cause i know now he never will. i just want him to get the thought out of his head that im in love with him and do everything for him and will always be there and that he has access to me and the push of abutton all day everyday. i want him to know he doesnt. i want to stop texting him when im at school. and when im at work. i dont have to pretend to be busy i AM busy. he's the one thats not. but for six fucking months he has been my NUMBER ONE priority. and without that i can think clearly. these pill work. I can read. I can study. I can do math and figure shit out. thank you God. I just..Hes like a rock thats been holding me down that ive been living under and I havent seen the light of day he scoots off me constantly and i just run back under im tired of chasing a rock. im tired of feeling like im in his shadow. he doesnt even WANT ME. like...its taken me this long. ive wasted a lot of time i thought i could never take my respect and my dignity and my self love back but i can. and i choose that. i want to embrace myself again instead of trying to be white...its always been a thing with me and im over it. i am who i am and i look how i look and i look great and i work hard and i make improvements and he doesnt even notice. he doesnt notice when i do my hair or my makeup looks great. im not allowed to fart but he tallks about farting in front of me. his apt always looks crappy when i go over but he always gave me shit about mine. hes just been so blind and im tired of flaling my hands in front of closed eyes to make him see me he wont open them so its fine. like i cant be anything else i cant take back the past i cant fix it and i dont want to. yesterday...or maybe a week ago if he sent me a text right now saying michelle ive been lying this whole time trying to be strong but i cant anymore i do have feelings for you. i dont want a relationship still but i cant see you hurt telling this lie. i wouldve been so happy. all my problems wouldve been solved. but like..if i saw that shit now i wouldnt even believe it. i cant even write what i wish would happen thinkingi can speak it into existence anymore cause im no longer retarded. i KNOW he doesnt want me, and now that i actually accept that hell i dont want him. i just want to feel better about myself and get my confidence back and like how i look and feel and do what i say im going to do and just strengthen my heart and my mind and my resolve and just love who i am on the inside. part of doing this is taking back what i gave. so he can keep the STUFF. but the valuable things, the contact, the support, the LOVE, the attention. i'm taking it back. and i would love to replace him but i dont know anyone right now so i dont have to. i wont be thirsty going crazy. he is just like bryan. obsessed with himself and lazy and absorbed and like glorifying his meteocre activities and like deavluing things that do matter LIKE ME. okay. be obsessed with yourself. be so overconfident and inconsiderate that you make yourself ugly. i want better for myself i want positive. i want people around me that appreciate me and make me feel good i dont want to put up with crap anymore thinking i need someone that doesnt need me. i said i wouldnt do this but i did and now im undoing it. we can be friends. but not best friends. he hasnt even texted me back tonight. i feel....crappy about the day but like saying how i feel and what im feeling and that it finally doesnt have anything to do with him and that my goals have nothing to do with him..im happy. Suddenly...i feel a weight is lifted. Like the sun has finally come out. Like I can BREATHE. All of a sudden I feel like there are more hours in a day. Like there is more to live for and more time in my life to do it. I feel like...free.

Cant Seem To Get My Head Right

I hate school. I dont want to go I have to force myself. I dont care about this degree. Its far as hell and I cant wake up in the morning to go. When I dont go to class I dont do well. Trying to tell myself I can catch up but this is like...I cant remember yea I think this is the 3rd week Ive missed school. Basically because I wont get up and I tell myself I will do work at home but I dont. Im so far behind on so many things I dont want to do it at all. Im basically in debt. I own Cherika $90 I dont necessarily think she deserves but I said I would. Still gotta save up for the prize package. Gotta get EJ his bday present and go over there which I dont want to I'll probably do that tomorrow. All my money is like going somewhere rent comes out tmrw. 3 weeks behind in school. Cant seem to motivate myself I hate it and it makes me feel stupid. How can I do well if I wont go theres almost nothing in this world I WOULDNT rather do than go to school I want it to be over but I feel stupid and like I cant do this. I guess the best bet would be to get what I can done this week and try to fous on it. and Just plan to go to every class next week. and read all my syllabuses. As far as Corey. Idk. I'm just sick of being up under him. I'm sick of complimenting him all the time. Sick of him knowing that theres this amazing girl thats in love with him and he gets to have the benefits of a relationship and a best friend all in one and I just get to feel rejected the majority of the time. I feel like..chained to him. I feel I have nothing better to do and that makes me sad. I mean. If i don'tgo over there I won't do anything over the weekends. Dustyn is a flake. Cant rely on her. Dee won't be here til March. So I have no one to hang out and I dont ALWAYS want to be alone. I wish I wouldnt have told him how I feel. I hate that he gets everything and I get nothing. I mean...I get...attention occasionally. I mean I cant help but think its not good for me to just...always be worried about him. always be thinking about him. and be spending all this time with someone who doesnt feel how I do how is that healthy ya know? we shouldnt cut eachother off compeltely I get that he will be a lot of help when the season starts and even now if I need help in that aspect BUT as far as me building confidence and getting to know myself and just generally being at peace and happy I dont think hes good for me. I mean....if theres not really any hope like....idk. I feel like he wants a white girl. Like Im not white enough or Im not his kind of pretty. Im not fit enough. My boobs are big enough my skin isnt clear enough my eyes arent light enough my hair isnt long enough. In general I feel like..I pick myself apart when it comes to him. I felt so much more attractive before I met him ya know? Now. When I think of him I just feel not good enough. How is that okay. Im not mad at him and by no means do I want to be enemies at all. I do love him but he doesnt love me and I mean like..how can you not feel like something about you could be changed. Im tired of thinking of every aspect of my life in terms of him ya know? I mean right now school is taking a toll. I havent lost it all yet but I do have a lot of catching up to do on the material and also just like..I have a few zeros. 4 in physics already Im really scared of that class. And I havent been to a single bio class I need to read like 3 chapters. Its so much that it makes me not want to try. I feel like I want to be alone. Or meet some new people. But something in me really really really wants to get out from under Corey. I mean honestly like I can go see that movie with Morgan or my damn self like...I have paid for every movie. ev ery damn thing Ive spent probably $1000 or more on either him or things to impress him and i have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to show for it whatsoever. A healthy minded girl would get as far from him as possible. I mean...idk the whole relationship is fucked up. And i feel like I need him for sex because I feel like I cant go without it and I used to be able to but now Im like a fiend and I cant use the toy and I hate those nights. But I mean when we kiss and touch and have sex it means the world to me and nothing to him. I don't want to be a best friend with benefits. and I mean I don't even want to do anything to try to get him back anymore because Im tired and I dont see a possibility of it doing any good. But Im sick of it being all me. My friends inititate SOME THINGS sometimes. But I dont ALWAYS go see them. I dont like..buy them stuff. I dont have to do SO MUCH for so little and I want to take it ALL away. Just to respect MYSELF more and feel better about myself. Im tired of all of this. Yes Im lonely honestly its lonely in this apartment and I lack motivation and structure and discipline and Im kind of lost sometimes. I dont know necessarily who I wanna be or who I am STILL. Im not 100% confident with myself and I think situations like this are why. Im sick of texting him everyday. Im sick of POURING MY HEART OUT and after all this time, everything Ive done, I mean nothing to you. But a FRIEND, and you refer to it as "hooking up" which makes me feel SO CHEAP. Like..all this time you WERE pretending. I WAS  friend with benefits. You literally dont mind if I date someone else? I want to get over him so bad. I dont know how but hell I mean If I have to be miserable regardless and there's nothing I can do FINE. I dont think i want to go over there Saturday. I could get a workout in. Some studying. Or just..hell cry Idk. Whatever but I dont want to go over there just to stare at him and long for him and fawn over him and do stuff for him and just....be fucking perfect and amazing and sweet and invisible. I dont want to pay for his ticket AND mine. If I had known I wouldnt even have a picture with the damn shirts I wouldnt have bought them. Its EVERYTHING I do involving him that ends up being a mistake. The reason I'm in debt is this stupid ass tv I dont freaking need that he wouldnt even come over here to watch! ANY of my other friends would make the drive but he WILL NOT. And Im sick of him. Yes I like being with him. Yes its fun but honestly like..I dont like feeling invisible. I dont like feeling like a slave to my emotions. I DON LIKE BEING INVISIBLE. Mrs Right in front of your face AND YOU DONT SEE ME. Idk how I'll say it. Idk. But I'm not going to go over there. I don't want to. Yes I'll be bored. My life is boring and kind of depressing. All i do is work and go to school eneither of which i love to do but I mean...whatever. I do have fitness to focus on. But Im sick of posting pics hoping he'll like them. Or trying to be funny enough. Making him feel AMAZING about himself...i mean. He never tells me I'm pretty. Or perfect. Hasnt said he missed me since probably November. And now he swears he has NO feelings for me and we're just friends okay. Honestly. Okay. I don't hang out with my other guy friends like that. And If I knew they were secretly in love with me I most likely wouldnt want to for their sake. Idk what his deal is I dont understand guys. How he can LET me do all that. And even be around me. Like..What? No. It makes me feel bad about myself and I want to stop. idk how I'll explain I'll deal with it when the time comes. Idk. Idk. He doesnt mean to but he makes me feel bad. He never once felt inclined or compelled to do anything for me. He won $100 last night. Thats MORE THAN ENOUGH to get me like a fucking bear for vday. Hell use your moms credit card. I dont care anymore. I dont care. I can definitely see him moving on to some tan white girl with perfect skin and long hair thats into fitness. And theres nothing I can do. I dont want to feel pressured or not good enough and just...I dont want to. Whatever. Theres nothing I can do kid do what you want. Really. Cause if there was somebody i was attracted to that felt the same and wanted to be with me I would not stop for you. I'd go for it in a heart beat I just dont have that option right now theres no one that even slightly catches my eye. And I dont get out much its very unlikely Im going to meet someone like that right now so eff it. Do what you have to. Go weeks without talking to me. Dont miss me/ Dont talk to me. Dont feel a void when Im not there thats fine. Look at every other girl in the world that is fine. Never come to the woodlands again. Never worry or wonder or think about me. Never consider my happiness whatever. If I saw him with someone else it would crush me. it would HAUNT ME for...a long time. But you know what Im already crushed. He already haunts me. He's already pushed me into the dirt nd calls me a friend my heart breaks almost everyday. I can deal with it. But theres no honor theres no respect theres no confidence in being up under him. hes my weakness and he knows it. I dont want that to be true anymore. I want to move on with my life. I want to be busy. i want to be unavailable. i want to be happy. I want him to never see me. I want to not really talk to him much. unless I need something. I dont want to be driving to Cypress all the time. Im sick of it. i want to take it all away. hhe wont notice but I will. I have texted him everyday. Complimenting hime veryday. he never asked for any of it nor did he care I just did it complusively and I want to stop. Ive spent probably over a thousand dollars. I was with him when he had eerythign I was with him when he had nothing I was with him when he was fat and high all the time and lazy. I was with him when he was non content I was with him when he was confident. i was with him when he wanted me when he didnt or maybe he was faking idk. I was with him though. by his side all the time and he never noticed. I boought his roommate cigarillos. groceries for the house a mop for the kitchen. the freaking shirt. a jacket because he was cold. Weve seen movies eaten food everything because he wont get a job. Ive had my moments but mostly IVe been understanding and always on his side and Im sick of it. i want to take it all away. I want to take away the texts. all of them. i want to take away answering immediately and sending hims tuff to make him laugh. i want to take away the compliments. the gifts. the time. constantly just being there being consistent being reliable i want to not be there anymore. i want to take it all away im sick of it i was perfect and he didnt notice. and i dont want to change my mind. yes im bored. no i dont have much better to do and a lot of my life goes to things i dont want to do yes i could really use an escape and no i dont have one. but im tired of giving away EVERYTHING. and recieving absolutely nothing in return now i dont even have his heart. i have nothing. so whats keeping me here. hes asked me so many times. absolutely nothing. whatsoever. nothing at all. there are a million funny people in the world. there are a million attractive people in the world. great kissers with great penises who know what i like. others guys wont act like im disgusting and not go down on me. or want me to get in their asshole and then not let me. someone else would introduce me to their family and have nice friends and just in general want to make ME haappy. you say tyou do but you dont care about my happiness. you never cared about my pain. you never..understood. and its fine. im okay. and even if im not at least ill respect myself if i worry about my happiness even though you dont. you wont notice but i will. i want to take everything back. you can keep everything i bought. thats fine. but you wont get any more. no gum. no shirts. no water. no visits. and no sex. i have an awesome body. how dare you. you will not touch it anymore. i have a tongue ring and big juicy lips and i know im a great kisser but you will not kiss me anymore. and you can let some other whore suck your dick because im not. how dare you act like youre good enough for me to put your dick in my mouth but you wont go down on me cause youve never gone down on a BLACK BITCH? sorry I cant be white. We'll be friends. but youre going to get what my other guy friends get and honestly less because you just come to the table without anything but an empty plate to fill. you dont bring anything with it. and you dont think for one second how can i make her happy what can i do for her. im sick of it. i love you but im starting to see your true clors and its fading and im going to let it, encourage it. I'll answer you when I feel like it. On Saturday I probably won't text you until you text me. I mean...yea. I don't think i owe you a ton of courtesy. And If youre not okay with the bare minimum you shouldnt have given it. I want you to adjust to what you wanted. YOU wanted. you said friend. so You dont get to see me or talk to me. m the joy to be around Im the one thats fun. And YOU shouldve appreciated what you had but you didnt. now see what friendship gets you. cause it isnt much/

Tested Em...He really is over me

So last night I told em I had a date. Cause i was SURE that would bring out some emotion. nope. he was happy for me. then today I realized i am Garrisen. and this IS my karma. and I dont want to be there for him when hes with someone else. i guess idk. idk whats gunna happen but we talked about it ill include the convo here.
me: ugh i dont think im gunna go
him: why?
me: i think itd be for the wrong reasons. i dont want to date right now. as mich as i wish i could just get over things like you im not that strong. i dont want to screw somebody else cause of my weakness. and like being "out" with somebody else is going to make me wish i was with you. i did think youd let me. if you told me you were going on a date id say i was happy for you but id be lying. so it ended up making me sad not happy. idk. thought i was doing what i was supposed to. but im not dustyn there is no void to fill. im not looking for "the one." and i cant bounce around like that. im just gunna chill and do me. i dont want anybody else. idc how attractive he is i dont need him....i feel like if i dont want a relationship or anything with someone or anybody then i shouldnt be dating just to take up space. whats the point of that. im sorry. i k ow you probably want me to go and find someone else so you dont have to worry about me. but you still dont have to i promise. im ok. in all honesty. i feel like this is my karma for Garrisen. and youre going to have to kind of cut me loose like i did him for YOUR peace of mind. and theres nothing i want more than for you to be happy and stress free. so i have to be honest and give you a choice.
him:you dont have to be with somebody. yea its nice but doing it just cause youre lonely..just makes things worse and never works out in the end. idk thats just how i feel. youre fucking badass and we both know stron enough to do it on your own. then again its what makes you happy. and i wont judge you for it. everybody is inclined to do whatever they want. i want you to be happy. also i want to stay friends with you. you were right about that, we shouldnt cut eachother out completely.
me: yea thats not me im not lonely. i missYOU. and i mean all this time i was so worried about a damn title that i didnt appreciate you when you had feelings for me. now that you dont. its taking some adjusting. i just dont want to end up like him. Never moving on. I cant be by your side all the time and then just take a step back and let you be with somebody else. hopefully ill be okay by then. but like i cant do that. and im scared thats whats going to happen. i dont know what im supposed to do. im not unhappy. i love hanging out with you and talking to you and things are how i always wanted i just like..cant  seem to get over you and see you as just a friend cause i like you so much. but i mean when i think about throwing everything away because of that i feel like im doing what i did in the past and just not a[ppreciating what i have..so idk. i dont want to change anything. i just dont want to make you uncomfortable cause i mean you know how i feel. but i dont want what i used to want. i want you to be happy. i just like..the shit sucks a little bit. but you really are my best friend. we have so much fun. and i never have to miss you cause youre always there i couldnt say that before. this is the first time in months weve both been happy. i guess i just wanted to be honest and not feel like i was...idk trying to put on an act. i still want to marry you and have your babies lol but i mean....its not the end of the world. having you in my life is all good. i see good things ahead for us. and it doesnt hurt that i still get to kiss those delicious lips and have your big sexy body on top of me who am i to complain LOL feelings or no feelings. everything is good i think were good. i dont want to chang anything. i just wanted to be honest with you from now oon. cause i owe it to you and i want us both to always be honest. and you know what i am strong n0ow. because of you. ive gotten nothing but better because of you. i think differently now im so focused and motivated and like..unphased. and im excited. about everything.
Him: as long as youre happy then things will be okay. i like  being your friend :) lol i'll always be honest with you.


you see how he doesnt really like address the issue. he never comments on how he has no feelings for me. he never says he does. doesnt say he doesnt but he doesnt have to i already say it and he never corrects me anymore. so like..i mean i didnt expect him to be happy for me. i cried really hard this morning. but when i realized i was garrisen i knew what i had to do was give him the choice and tlel him the truth. i mean idk maybe im crazy. obviously im not ready to not have him in my life anymore. its so crazy now i really wish he had feelings for me and that we were exclusive. thats like...security right there. but when i had those things i wasnt happy because i didnt have like..trust and consistency which is what i have now. so i mean im just going to be happy with that. idk as the season goes on im going to be working on myself. and worrying less about him i'll make that my goal since hes going to be there either way. im so scared really just that hes going to move on. find some hot figure chick at a show and they'll hit it off and yea... just...crap. thats my biggest fear. him moving on. and that would be the worst heart break i've experienced YET. (he hasnt texted me back since 630 by the way and its 1019 so i just sent em a goodnight text telling him he was taking too long.) but anyway my goal is to be okay by then. i mean when we go to the shows i dont want to be the meteocre chick hes introducing to people. i want to be a BAD BITCH. like I want people to be fascinated by me and talking to me. I want to stand out because of my amazingness. i dont want to be worried about him or whos looking at him because i want to be the one getting looked at. i want to be confident and making friends and just..rockin it. this past show that is not what happened. i was insecure and i wouldve been miserable without him but this time its about me. i want to be confident in myself. i mean now im confident and like i kno what i have to offer. but like...i still have some work to do to get comfortable in my own skin. i mean ..yea. i have to. its time for me to really realize like hes here to stay he doesnt want to lose me whether or not he has feelings for me at the current time or whatever it doesn't matter. hes here i dont have to worry about it.hes not going anywhere to meet anyone hes focused on his prep and the girl he chooses to talk to and be with is me. even if i am just his best friend. i get to be with him and kiss him and cuddle and have sex and talk and laugh and just...its good. i can look away. honestly like you don't have to talk to your best friend everyday. if theres no hope of like..fostering anything right now then theres no point and also i dont have to to keep it going,. if i want to i can see him every weekend and if i don't then yea. but like...i mean i have poured my heart out (n a reasonable manner), he knows i still have feelings for him, i tell him when im feeling weak, and he doesnt care hes just there for me. regardless of where we stand the issues we had before "in our relationship" are fixing themselves. our communication is getting much much better. our trust is building. both our guards are completely down and for once in the entire time we are both happy. i am im enojoying this. i have a good feeling about the future. that i mean..we are going to compete together and that if i let my emotions go this could be really fun. the only thing that complicates things AS USUAL is the physical component. but i REALLY dont want that to go away and i hope it doesnt. its ALL initiated by him. i havent....idk if ive ever kissed him first. but yea. i mean. i could list differences between garrisen to me and me to corey. but like...why. i need to be worrying about me. for once the thing i care about most doesnt need constant supervision to stay in tact. its actually doing well on its own! which is CRAZY! but Im happy. I mean. its good. what can i say. for once. i can sit back and relax. were going to see devils due on saturday. he agreed..a few days ago. maybe 2. today i was like " so i work 9 to 7 on saturday then im going to come over and were going to watch devils due and then were going to spend some quality best friend time" and he said sounds good to me. then i told him to get dress and do his hair and put on his makeup so he could be presentable so we could retake the pic lol...called him a princess. haha i hope he didnt get toooo mad cause he hasnt said anything since -__- hopefully he knows i was jsut playing,i wont talk to him like that if he doesnt want me to.i wouldnt really want him talking to me like that. anyway. but yea. i want to be...so happy with myself anf proud of myself. i keep telling myself first place ad overall. i mean. i have to start making decisions like i wanna go pro and taking myself seriously cause time is the biggest advantage i have now but only if i use it. i think also when i go over there im going to ask him to get me some anavar. and get this show on the ROAD. i want to win. first place. AND overall. i sent in the request for my suit. she wont start on it til way later but we agreed on 800 and its going to be badass im excited. i mean. i have like a personal journey right now. making myself go to school. and getting stuff done. like doing work making sure i understand everything. and just...living fitness. getting my workouts and my meals in. conquering cravings. practicing my posing. seeing results. i dont want him being the only one getting fine. i want to be amazing too. i want him to NOTICE me. but most of all i want to be proud of myself. i want to be 100% confident and know that like hen we go to the shows im looking good as hell too and people will be looking at me too and i can be lookign at hot physique guys not just him. this though...as far as he goes this is the path really like i might get to do all the things that meant so much to me, like meet his family. get to take pics. do stuff with him. be the one he turns to thats there during his prep and everything else. the one that knows everything about him. my hearts been hurting lately. literally. anyway. but yea and its happening lik on its own. hes letting me in. who knows where itll lead. but for now like...im gunna go with the flow. now i can focus on other stuff. obviously though i am looking forward to saturday, i can see us building so many memories and being so happy. who cares if were not together and if hes emotionally unavaulable right now. this is a good time for us, i just want to accept it and enjooy iyt. But God i have my own goals and battles right now I really need you to help me with school. to get caught up and go to freaking class. its just like..one more semester. the last full one i'll have and to graduate with this degree will be so worth it please help me. in Jesus name amen and thank you for everything


...just read some really good articles. i dont want to get my hopes up. but there definitely is hope.

Happy With What I have...But its time to Choose

i mean. idk its nice to be able to tell him positive things too. im happy with how things are and im going to choose to appreciate what i have instead of obsessing over what i dont cause it hurts pretty bad to just have nothing from him. it hurt. really really bad. this is what i missed. talking to him and knowing id get a response. openness. him trusting me and letting me in. i missed being able to hangout with him. and kiss him. and even though it means so much to me and so little to him. is he texting me right now GO TO SLEEP BOY. let me read. it does suck that he wont ever say i do still like you. or saying hey you never know it might be you. or like... dont worry about me being with someone else. he never ever reassures me but at leas hes honest and doesnt just tell me what i want to hear. if he ever does say anything ill know he means it. cause hes always honest with me. but yea. i mean...this is reality. i accept it. got no choice. it helps me a lot that he doesnt lead me on though i wish he still had feelings for me. im just going to be me. and stay sweet and be there for him. and he knows how i feel. whats meant to be will be. i just gotta focus on my goals and just..enjoy the good while its good and remember it when its not so good. he said "thank you :) youre probably the sweetest person ive ever met. lol seriously. but i cant complain. Youve been awesome to me and such a great friend. thanks for being there for me always. i want to be there for you also." idk i mean. ill take it. at least if things change ill be able to notice. i mean sometimes i feel like he still likes me just because of the way he kisses me and the way it is when we have sex. and how we cuddle. and that he wants me to like spend the night and he like is willing to see me regularly. and how we talk all the time. i mean idk. fwbs dont usually...ig uess..as far as the internet says. idk. but really i can only go by what HE says. and he acts like he has no feelings for me. well he doesnt say that but he doesnt like disprove it and he doesnt correct me. sometimes its scary. cause ...idk. but i guess we'll see. im the same person he originally liked. if tings are meant to be he'll get attached. i still think like he would truly want me to move on. and likke if he tried he may not be able to. like it might make him realize he has feelings for me cause he might cmpare them to me. but idk. we',ll see. he knows i still have feelings for him. i dont have to have a relationship. just knowing he felt the same for me and only me would be enough. i dont need pictures or fb status or anything. if i had that...id have everything. i still want it. but im okay with this. i still look forward to talking to him. and seeing him makes my week. we have so much fun and things are so positive. if he were to fall for me. this would be a much more conducive environment in which to do so. thank you God for...everything. night

I Don't Know What To Do..

So I'm not going to do anything. I think the best thing to do would be to stop talking to the people at work about me and Corey and either talk to him about it or just don't talk about it. I don't think I was super bothered before I started talking to Alex about it. or before Sandra sent that text. But it didn't really go as bad as they thought it would. So he didnt freeze. I told em how I felt last night not like oh i still have feelings for you but just in general and i was pretty honest without trying to be too emotional. he was great. it really surprised me he was just there for me like he used to be. then i didnt text him back and i woke up confused. he texted me at like 740 saying it wasnt as bad as they thought it would be. then he texted me at like noon saying i guess youre upset with me. i hope your day is good. and that you stay warm. and be safe if you have to drive. idk what to say. idk what to DO. like...i was thinking oh i shouldnt like..idk i wanted to not talk to him for a week or two weeks .  i mean...idk. to see if he'd notice. cause i am tired of being invisible. but i mean...idk if hes not gunna see me hes not going to see me. and if hes meant to see me God will give him the wakeup call. like..i cant like ...do anything. I cant control I cant puppeteer I said I wouldnt. I mean...idk. Idk what to do Im lost but I feel like lately I been regretting so much wishing I wouldve appreciated what I had and I didn so I lost it. But now I mean I have everything I wanted the difference is THEN he has feelings for me. and now he doesnt. but we talk like every day all day and we see eachother on weekends. yes i want more and no im not necessarily completely happy with this. but i mean i feel like...i would be doing the same thing i did in the past throwing it away because its not enough. it is very unlikely this will end up being more. that one day he'll wake up and see me. but who knows. he is my best friend right now. and I would miss him SO much to just be like oh all or nothing you dont want to be my boyfriend then i dont want you in my life at all. ya know. idk. i mean i read the friends with benefits stuff and i mean it fits the bill as far as i only ever go over there we dont go out. he doesnt call. we only text. but its always been like that. even when we were together. he doesnt seem like a phone person. ut yea. and yea i only go over there at night. idk. its a unique situation because a lot of it has to do with his schedule. and the fact that he doesnt work anymore ya know. since he lost his job he hasnt spent a dime on me. i dont even bother to make him. i mean a whole ...3 months its been. he could if he was really thinking about it but hes not. he only thinks about one thing. hes in an extreme building phase before and rrelationships are taxing. it WOULD take his time and energy away from training etc to focus on me. thats why he does better than i do on a daily basis. in truth i need to focus more on my goals and less on him but he helps me. he gives me someone to talk to. he encourages me. and he makes me feel better when im sad. iif im honest with him. i do want to be with him. but more than that i just want him to see me. ive been here all along but he doesnt see me. he only sees bodybuilding. idk if it will ever change. i mean we could get to the shows and he could have his eyes on all these hot figure girls. but heck there will be good looking guys there too. and i want to look good as hell also so next time people will be looking at me. idk how he will feel about that if i'm not all up under him and actually worried about me. but i mean he knows me. he knows how big my heart is. but he doesnt appreciate me cause there isnt any doubt. and i cant fake it. if hes supposed to be with me one day doubt will arise on its own to fuel some passion and we will see. but i cant talk about it. i said i wouldnt and i havent and things have been good. we talk everyday. i wont have to go without him if things stay like this. i will be right there next to chris. maybe even closer during prep. but i mean...it just didnt feel right. it felt forced trying to do all that. i like talking to him all the time. i like hanging out with him i want to go to the movie this weekend. who knows maybe one day itll turn into something or maybe it wont. but he is emotionally unavailable right now. im not going to walk around being loyal and acting like im taken when im not. ya know, if someone comes along great but i have SO MUCH TO DO im already behind in school. i need to stop worrying about this NOW. and leave it up to God. I will say a prayer inspired by this guy that came in yday john milo. he said whatever you have give it to God and he will turn it into something useful. So i give you God this weak brain with an inability to concentrate and I ask you turn it into something useful. Let it be used to help me graduate. Help me accomplish tese things. I give you me and Corey. to turn into what you wish. I think I will be the only ex hes ever stayed friends with. the girl who knows him most and loves him more than anyone next to his family. I give you our friendship or whatever it is and I ask you to bless it and purify it and make it into what YOU want it to be. if that is nothing then you can do that. if you want it to be friendship forever then you can do that. if you want it to turn into something more and you think you can take these shambles and build a home out of it then i would be forever grateful but i want your will. Im just going to let things be what they are. weve come so far and hes all i have my only fit friend and we're there for eachother and our friendship is good. if he doesnt have any feeling sfor me who knows maybe one day theyll return maybe they wont but I trust God and know I'll be given what makes me happy and is best for me whether its him or not. idk. i'll just...let i be. honestly. like..just like the other night i now see what this is. im shutting down. like i used to. i have missed that all these years. id much rather have trouble saying whati need to say than to spit out everything that comes to my mind all the damn time. and be just..uncontrolled. i am thankful for this hardening to be honest. I think God is really prepping me to succeed this year but i tell you what I have not been following my meal plan Ive just been doing whatever and I need to stop. Its time to get serious if this $800 suit and $1100 training program is going to be worth it. no one expects me to do well but i dont care. I have a plan and Im going to make this happen but i have to be more serious. when i get back from the gym i have to get my groceries and cook and study. i wish i could hang with him. but i cant. i will be able to saturday though. and i mean i get to talk to him all day. i get to see him. i still get to feel his touch and cuddle with him and everything i love. i just dont get to hear him say...anything emotional to me ever. but i guess i just have to....lock itup. pretty much forever. as long as he doesnt know how i feel...i cant REALLY get hurt. i cant get rejected if i dont try and hes not looking for a relationship so i just pray that doesnt happen cause im going to get hurt regardless if it does. anyway. alright so...moving forward.

Web Info About FWBs

From different sources :
1)Booty call = you don't exist except for when you are having sex with him
FWB = you exist on a regular basis, but when you aren't having sex, it is purely platonic

Booty calls only see each other when it is time for him to have sex. FWB see each other regularly, but there is no relationship outside of what happens in the bedroom. 

The only time you feel an intimate connection with him is when you are having sex. When you get together, you get right to it and when it is over he finds an excuse to leave or to ask you to leave. His interest drops to zero when he ejaculates. 

You don't date. All you do is hook up on a regular basis. 

When you aren't hooking up you are treated just like any other platonic friend, and he will not hide the fact that he is dating and/or looking for a 'real' girlfriend. He will publicly avoid hugging/kissing or anything that shows that the two of you have something going on, and when he isn't in the mood for sex he won't let you close to him either. 

Basically, you are a step up from masturbating, with as little emotion going into it as masturbation.

I'm in one of these right now. It isn't for the weak of heart, and it surely isn't for someone who has emotional investments in it. All you are doing is asking for heartbreak. Once a guy puts you in this category, he can grow fond of you but it will never really be more than that.

2)Signs you are an FWB:
-no public dates
-no calls oonly texts 
-only late night seeing eachother

3)signs its gone too far:
http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/the-10-signs-your-friends-with-benefits-relationship-has-gone-too-far/

4)9 ways to know
http://thoughtcatalog.com/nicole-berger/2013/10/9-ways-to-know-youre-just-the-friend-with-benefits/

5)askmen fwb rules:
http://www.askmen.com/dating/vanessa_150/153b_love_secrets.html

Pain is weakness leaving the body

It's really just. time. I want to do it. It's not out of vindictiveness or trying to control. and it's not out of like.. anger. or trying to get him to feel. its for ME. because I am a beautiful sweet loving person and I deserve the same. I deserve to be loved and appreciated and taken care of. All those things I do for other people I don't do for myself. All the nice things I say to them I don't say to myself not as much. Sometimes. My self talk has gotten way more positive. But I dont go out of my way to please myself or earn my own approval. I do things that are bad for me. I'm more protective of my friends and family than I am of myself and while I'm playing watchdog for everyone else I'M getting hurt. I pray for strength but I pray in fear because I know like ...the only way to get strong is to hurt. Strength is NOT the absence of pain. If you get punched 50 times in the face it never stops hurting to get punched in the face. But a weak person might get punched in the face and fall down, or cry. A strong person takes the punch. You do FEEL pain. But you take it. Strength is being functional through pain. Strong men may be able to lift 300 lbs but it isn't just light to them. it still hurts. A weak person cant lift it at all. So basically if I want to be strong I have to embrace pain and do what hurts me or I'll never stop being the girl that gives into temptation all the time and never overcomes addictions. I don't want that anymore. I have to choose do I want my cake or do I want to eat it. Ive been eating the cake for a long time. It's time especially if I want to be a pro I have to start embracing discomfort and pain. And its not jsut with fitness. Its discipline in life. I have to do what hurts. And the thing that will hurt me the most that I want to do least is letting go of Corey. His answer was good. I really thought he shouldve invited me over. BUT. I wouldnt have gone. I dont' want to. I mean...idk. I just...i hear myself and I know if it was a friend I would not like him and I'd want her to do better. It doesnt matter how I feel I can do better and I'm doing worse than settling. settling would be if he even wanted me but he doesnt. I;m invisible to him and I'm sick of it. The more I do, the better I get, the more he SEES me, the more invisible I become. So i am going to do what I've been saying I couldn't what I never thought I would. I'm going to stop talking to him. For however long it takes. I know he's going to try to reach out. I'm going to ignore him. There is a small chance he might be bothered by this and it might break him down and make him feel something. but..i mean after a while he will stop trying. just give up. cause it wont make him feel something he doesnt nothing can do that. i need to be okay though. i dont want to let him go but i want to be better i want peace and wholeness in my heart and i cant do that being friends with benefits with someone i love that i know doesnt love me. knowing that haseaten me alive all these months and its time to take care of myself. as far as him being there for me with competitions and any questions i may have or if i need supplements he will always be there for that. but i mean...the rest...its going to hurt. everyday. i might cry myself to sleep. i might think about him constantly. i WILL miss him i WILL check my phone and if he texts me i WILL be happy but this is for me i dont owe him constant prompt correspondence. i dont owe him anything. he shouldnt let me be without a valentine just like i didnt let him be alone on thanksgiving. he knows all i want is like..a bear. he knows it means something to me. but he jut doesnt think of me. it never crosses his mind oh this would make michelle happy i want michelle to be happy and all i ever think of is him. it's bad for me and i need to stop. i cant put it off anymore its a new year and its flying by and it's not going to slow down i will waste the whole thing on him. i put my best foot forward and gave him everything i had and it didnt compel him to give me anything so nothing ever will. i want to move on. everytime i want to text him and dont i will get stroner. it will eventually stop hurting. but it will bea long time before that happens. it will hurt everytime. but if i keep on, the pain will go away. my weakness will o away and i wont be addicted anymore. i will always ahve him for those things having to do with competitions that i need. but like...nights like this where i need someone to be with me cause its going to freese. alone. valentines day. alone. christmas. alone. my bday. alone. i will always be alone because he will never be there for me. he will never love me. the best thing i can do for myself is whatever it takes to no longer love him. cause my love is amazing and is being wasted on this. it sucks and it feels horrible but im ready to be miserable im ready to cry and hurt ive done it all i can take it. but i want something out of it this time. i want someone who would fight for me and never let me go. this isnt it.

Awesome week- Last Night Was Bumpy- But We Got Over it

So last week man. we talked all day everyday. that wasnt what I expected at all! We talked Sunday and i felt special cause he texted me back all day and it was playoff sunday. found out he was a manning fan. got us both peyton freaking manning shirts. which he was excited about. i mean it was JUST like in the beginning when he didnt mind me being forward or anything and he was really sweet and flirty with me and i liked it a LOT everyday was a good day. i was just being me. and it was cool with him. and hes hilarious. it just felt good to be back to normal. all week i didnt know if i was going to get to see him this weekend and i swore i wouldnt bring it up but of course i did. and he said friday was cool and i went to work had my stuff ready but not the shirts. but he said he didnt think it was a good night to come over cause he was sore and had planned on going to bed early and i was like i understand which i did. i was just so happy he was honest with me. so i went home and ended up going over there saturday. we took pics in the shirts and then he randomly like demanded i take it down in the middle of the night bc he said he looked gay? which struck me as very off and i got real suspiscious and the night went downhill from there. we got into like a weird...mode. i was all hopped up on stimulants AND high so he was irritating me and like...provoking me which was turning me off so i wouldnt say much. i ended up leaving at like 2am cause i couldnt sleep and he was just really rubbing me the wrong way. so i went home. cried profusely in the car about how im in love with him and he will never love me. this morning i felt shitty but i texted em before i went to work trying to be as like..proactive and non judgemental as possible but i told him i wasn't upset last night or mad and still wasn't it was just the way he was talking to me was rude. and that i don't do it to him so if he could just think about what he says and how it comes out it would help me out cause when he does that i just shuts me down. and i mean i just told em like several times i wasnt saying this and that youre an asshole and id keep my word on what i said id do. i didnt like bring up emotion or anything. at all. i was just talking about like this specific incident. it reminded me though i wasnt completely crazy before there was a reason i always said he treated me bad. and if hell fix that well be golden. the picture thing. idk. i guess ill just drop it. im a really attractive girl. most ppl agree. so i dont know how he could possibly look gay standing next to me the pic was awesome. and im sick of fighting him over it. so i sent him a text on how i feel about it and that will be it. im trying to keep my word lately. last night another reason i was feeling shitty was that well msotly i was so hyped up. but i was just fawning over him and he jut really didnt care. for the most part ya know. i do feel like...i mean idk the sparkle is dying down. like FINE if you dont want to take pics with me dont. i dont care anymore if theres evidence or trying to stake my claim and like be on your page so everybody can like our shit again. and if he doesnt want people to know about me i have way more of a reason for ppl not to know about him. i guess he doesnt want there to be any misconceptions but i literally feel like CHRIS would take a pic with me and let me tag him and it wouldnt be a big deal. so this is wack ya know. im not going to be anybodys secret. i just cant take him seriously anymore. we can still hangout and "hookup" as he says. but like..yea i just cant take him seriously. he doesnt take me seriously either. the pic thing makes me feel bad and im sick of it. he KNOWS how i feel about it and still just doesnt care and i feel like hes hiding something and worrying about what people thing and I AM NOTHING to be ashamed of at all. but he doesnt see me like that. he doesnt see me as like hot babe to be proud of. and thats annoying. i have to leave soon but i will say like it wasnt horrible at all. it was actually really awesome and perfect until he made me take that pic down which was at like...hours after i put it up. it was annoying and ruined everything honestly. i wasnt even planning on talking to him today. but yea like at first i went over and we were just talking like last time it was cool. and then the shirts. and like chris came home and gave me a big hug and was talking to me about my status said he was jealous of the shirts etc. and then like hung out with us for a bit which was fun as always i love chris. and we smoked. and then like i mean i think we had kissed a little bit before. it was more like immediate physical attention than it was last time. he got on me like he used to. and then like when we went back into his room after the fact was when shit started to go down. like the kissing was amazing and the sex was like the best weve ever had. it feels like hes more aggressive now idk but i love it. that was the closest i ever came to actually having an orgasm with him. the second time i ended up on top of him it was crazy cause it went in on its own no lubrication required and yea he nutted after that one. but yea i wanted to keep going and he was tired i wish he didnt get so tired now :( but anyway i would normally have been tired if not for all the stimulants bleh. but yea so basically it was awesome i did want to do butthole stuff to him actually but when i finaly found it he was like get out of there lol which offended me i was like what now im not allowed in your butthole. he acted like he didnt like it all of a sudden. so weird. idk. i hope nothing is going on with him and someone else. id like to think not. this time was definitely more like..even after the issues he was like that he didnt want me to leave he wanted to talk it out i mean he was being rude but he wasnt acting like he didnt give a shit. which was nice for once. like it felt like ..idk like he thought of us as more than friends. but i mean. yea i didnt really say anything about relationships or emotions this time. at all. from now on i just wont. i figure like either we'll get closer or itll fizzle out on its own. i plan on that definitely being the last time i initiate me going over there. i mean...i love hanging out with him but the glimmer of it all is fading a little bit. im not worshipping the ground he walks on like i did last night its faded a little bit and im happy about that honestly its relieving to feel less. VERY RELIEVING. cause i mean he doesnt see me like that he lets me compliment him but he doesnt compliment me. his body looks better cause hes been doing cardio. which makes me want to look better too. sean told me to start adding cardio so i am going to. 5 days a week but just a little bit not a lot cause i still want to put on muscle but im only 4 % away from my pre season goal bodyfat so why not try to get lean at the same time. i know i can just because of my metabolism type and how easy it is for me to put on muscle. anyway i mean i do love him but i dont have a LOT of hope for the future. i did especially with last night and this past week. buttt i mean. im starting to not care. i need to focus im behind in school and honestly i want to accomplish these goals with or without him. it would actually make me feel really good to do it without him. cause i dont need him. at all. hes helpful but like...idk. sometimes i ont like his attitude. anyway though so i told em how i felt this morning and his response was actualy really good he said he was so sorry that he didnt know he was being rude but he knows he goes to far sometimes but that communication is key and if theres ever a problem to PLEASE tlak to him so we can work it out insteadof like letting it build up and ending like last night. so yea. problem solved. im still mad at him not mad but like..idk with the pic. i guess the main thing with an fwb is that you have no claim. and they dont want anyone to see you. so i have to treat him the same. no one has to know about him anymore. i will tell people we're just friends. period. thats fine. and i just have to go about my life i reactivated my tender bc this article i read said i needed to try to date other people to keep myself balanced so ill try. i do WANT to like..get better and get stronger and kind of start moving away from him. i think hes tecting me back right now i just got 4 text messages. but anyway yea. i gotta lower my expectations and appreciate it for what it is and not trip over what its not. and focus on me. and let what happens happen but i cant be trippin over that anymore. i am open to the idea of someone better. just dont know em right now. id love someone as passionate as me that actually wanted to wife me up and treat me like a princess. id like that very much and i do think i deserve it. we'll see. Good week. On to anotheer! I have to go to the gym and cook. gunna be up late again tonight. meh lol

Update from 1/17

So I didnt get to go over there that night. cried a little in the car. and that got me out of my lusty mood lol but i realized friday wouldve been more convenient anyway so i chilled out and he did text me back and it said "tomorrow or the next day works whichever is best for you." So turns out his schedule isnt impossible lol ANYWAY yea so i said tmrw. i was excited all day to go see him then i texted him to tell him like i was on my way kind of like complaining about traffic and i was so scared cause i got a little bit of anxiety thinking oh wait he never comfirmed what if he made plans and i cant come over today. or whatever. but yea i asked em if he needed anything from the store and he said water and gum or whatever so i went and got my feminine preparations and got him that. then went over. it was really really great honestly. i went over with a good attitude just thankful that i was getting to see him and i was like just think of it like a first date. first we just sat there talking about different stuff having nothing to do with us but like we used to. friends and different people. it was really refreshing to just sit there talking and laughing lol then like we smoked a little. then chris came home and he was like shes not gunna say hey so he came where i was and gave me a hug etc it was nice to see him and a very warm welcome. i felt at home. like nice to be home. but yea so like then we were all on the couch watching something cant remember what and this mofo...omg i dont remember him being THAT funny. i was like WOW. i mean i was crying. cause he was talking about black people clapping at a kevin hart movie and like farting in the movie and weve never talked about him farting before it was fucking hysterical. and i was like going over there it felt so new cause the two weeks felt like a month ya know we had gotten SO far apart. i think its good i went over when i did. but like i was thinking like man maybe ill go over and realize it really is over or like i wont feel the same or itll be obvious that he doesnt. and like yea all he did was remind me why lol by being awesome. and then like he told me his new plan or whatever. and then like he told me he started tanning and of course i was thinking why and which one he was tanning at and i got all like aggressive didnt mean to but i was high lol cause i was like dafuq and he was like cause i wanna look good and im like omg really what the hell. yea but there was that. i was PRETTy good about not pressuring him or talking about emotions relationship etc but when i was high i did start being really weird lol i was like rubing his face up and down in a weird way and kept saying weitrd shit but it apparently wasnt too bad cause weve been good since. but yea like i didnt think he was going to kiss me cause it took him forever too but i could tell he was trying then he finally did. and we had sex and he nutted really quick im thinking cause i was probably super tight. but we did it again. idk it still feels the same to me. it felt kinda new though cause its been so long. but yea like it went really well. when i left i remember thinking he didnt give me any hope. and that things might really be over but at least we were on good terms. said i wouldnt text em but i did just something really nice like something funny that made me hink of him and that i had a good time and hope he had an awesome rest of the weekend and he said he did too it was a good exchange he asked me what i was up to tn and i told em i was at the movies etc and id tell em how it was and yea then today i used it to pick the convo back up. didnt plan to text him but i did and it went really well. i got us matching peyton freaking manning shirts lol. but yea.. idk im really at peace with how things are its been all smiles and piositive and im in a great place mentally and i just think its a much better starting point. im happy and i want us to both be positive additions to eachothers lives. i realize were not together and may never get back together and arent necessarily exclusive were just friends and yes i still have feelings for him but i have a lighter heart now i really just wish i wouldve appreciated what we had and just went with the flow and now im just going to enjoy every moment and live in the present and see where it goes. but the day ended really well. i am going tot ry not to text him for the rest of the week. no w i feel like he MIGHT actually text me eventually. im happy we were able to make amends and things are still good. thank you God for today it was a great day. I been thinking a lot and my perspective has really changed. i guess because i had to ask myself if this is who he is would i still choose him. yea. im no longer in the mindset of like oh that ended up hurting it wasnt worth all the good times. If i had been present and just..not trying to force and change blah blah..i wouldve realized i had it really good. hes a good guy. and he cares about me a LOT. hes got his issues but i mean he spent time with me and tried his best to text me etc always made me feel very loved when i was with him. hes not going to make me feel that great in text messages. hes not a texter. hes not going to be super romantic or thoughtful etc thats just not him. BUT when im with him he is super sweet and he takes care of me and supports me. just like the little things now like almost losing him forever and still there being that possibility has made me see like the things i appreciate. like when he likes my pictures and posts. that is like a highlight of the day for me. when he texts me first or texts me back on a big football day like he did today. how freaking hilarious he is. how he's down for whatever. how he always makes me feel very wanted. how he cuddles me in the middle of the night and keeps me warm. how he kisses me on my head and my neck and just in general for no reason. just the conversations when we talk about life. hanging out with him and chris. those two weeks felt like a MONTH. and everything felt so new that night. i left feeling like he was over me and there wasnt much hope but from today and yday i feel like there is. i dont want to think too far ahead. but i mean if we ever end up even "talking" again i need to just appreciate him for what he does do instead of nagging him for what he doesnt. cause half of him is worth 100 of anyone else to me. everything from him means more to me. i now know i can be patient and its worth it. i care about HIM now and his happiness and comfort. i really want us to be positive additions to eachother lives. im thankful to have this chance even to just be friends. even though we still kiss and have sex im going into this consentually with the knowledge that he hasnt really said we're exclusive. he could b doing whatever and i wouldnt know and neither of us has the right to object to the others behavior. i wont move on because of my feelings for him but im not sure hed do the same. so i mean. this is all just taking a chance. hes worth it. having him would be worth it. and right now im just enjoying his company and getting to talk to him. im going to try not to text him tomorrow. it would just feel so great for the first time in weeks if he would text me first like he used to. it would mean a lot to me cause that would just straight up be him thinking about me. hes been liking my stuff. he liked a pic of my food. and then a pic of me with my curls. when i see his name pop up on instagram it just makes me happy. im trying not to expect anything. i do think about him more than i was. im happy though/. it feels good and fun and new. maybe this is the second chance i wanted idk. took forever to do my food. ill remember that next time. but its done. ready for my new program this week! thank you God. life is good right now and i feel great.

LMAO AT MYSELF. 1/16

I am a sick sad little girl. really. really really. dub tee eff. so by the end of yday i couldnt even be mad at him anymore. and today all i could think about was him and how i was praying if i let em go hed come back. so of course i came home and in the car i was typing a text to him. basically telling him no matter what he did i was never going to give up. now im literally sitting here waiting for him to tell me to come over because surprise surprise he said we coiuld hang out and when was up to me so i said no youre the one with the busy schedule i will come over tonight so you tell me and im hoping he just says ok come over! and i will speed my motherfucking ass off lol i threw away my lube applicators so ill have to get some more and like...hell idk how im gunna shoot that shit up there idc if i have to do it in the parking lot cause i have been waiting 2 weeks to have sex and i want to have sex lol no strings attached. i mean i already love him i knowhe doesnt love me. okay considering its already 820 and he hasnt texted me back. i already shaved. maybe tomorrow i am off saturday. hell even saturday would be fine i just want to see him. i would go over there but hes got that "strict morning schedule" and i know he wont want me over there late. i wont stay but hell i dont care even if its a few hours i just want to be in his presence and see his face i miss him. i want to see if theres anything there on his part but it will probably be impossble to tell considering he will just most likely still be physically attracted to me. and if he doesnt try anything then i really am garrisen and im doomed! at that point. definitely have to reassess. he might not even text me back tonight which would piss me off. for sure. and of course then id regret texting him blah its watever. why regret. i meant what i said. at least it doesnt mean never. oh my GOSH i wanna. fuckkkk. guess i'll go get some food and get ready to workout. even though i really just wanna go to sleep. God if theres a chance I still want to go over there. i miss him so freaking much but i understand if hes bad for me and i shouldnt see him. i cnt help it. maybe ill just try again to use my stupid toy lol ugh. anyway. well. yea. idk. i wanna go over there really bad.
i just couldnt stop daydreaming today. i just want a good hug from him. i want to look in his eyes and hear his voice and just sit with him and spend some time with him. if i got a kiss i'd just die he has the best kisses. i really just..miss him to death. and yes i am also EXTREMELY in the mood which serves no purpose when youre alone and i cant flipping wait to get back on bc so this can stop! come on come on its been like an hour come on PLEASE FOR ONCE JUST COME ON. i keep checking and its never there this is going to take some serious re-minding. cause i let myself get excited boo. im going to go get taco bell.

The End. Really this time. You leave me no choice

Idk how many times IVe said its officially over i barely believe myself anymore but he has left me no choice. he did respond today and it just got worse and worse. he was just a complete asshole. threw everything in my face back on the why are you here shit likereally. said he wont change why dont i get it all he cares about is himself and he has a very strict morning schedule so we cant hang out? and that he likes to do everything alone its not just me its everybody he just likes to do it all alone. and he was like why dont you understand and i said youre the one that doesnt understand. but i do. you wont have to worry about me anymore and he sayd thanks. REALLY? and i left it at that. like you leabe me NO choice i decided then and there i wasnt going to talk to him but i knew the way he blew up on me he literally was like then why the fuck are you still blah blah cussing and shit. absolutely not. hes never talked to me that bad before though hes come close right before he came back last time. he was going to be scott free. happy. guilt free like always. but this. this will eat him up. and im happy. i know it because like half an hour later or an hour later he was like we are not enemies. we are friends. and i will always talk positively about you if anyone brings you up just wanted to clear that up and i was like GOTCHA BITCH. hell no. so i said brilliantly: "Corey did you read what you just said to me before you sent it? Do you hear how you talk to me? You had a choice and you made it. Im glad you'll talk highly of me as you should and i do of you though now i might just have no comment. Friends dont do what youvedone they care about eachother and if you want me to let you think that just so you dont have to feel how the person youve decided to be should feel, i wont. Thats just part of the package. You said you would deal with the consequences. No need to pretend it matters when it doesnt. You and me are VERY different. oh its crystal clear now. Im serious as a heart attack and i wont lose a wink of sleep sayin it. We may not be enemies. I dont have any enemies. But we are not friends. In any sense of the word. And we never will be again. So dont even entertain that idea in you head." DAMN IM GOOD WITH WORDS. Fuck with me nigga you got nooooooothin and will NEVER be able to do it how i do. And i did it without being mean. Seriously. I know I wont get what I wanted. I see that now. hes not who i thought he was but its ok im confident because I know Im innocent here and God has my back he has effed up and God will prosper me in his stupid name. I have no doubts now. I know this will bother him. Cause I know how he is. He thinks hes a good person. And it will bother him that he is to blame and did such a good person wrong and that i want nothing to do with him and have just cause. he got what he wanted yes but i know this wont be the last time he thinks about it and he will have regrets not me. theres no doubt in my mind. doesnt matter what he does doesnt matter if he moves on doesnt matter. the way he is going about things is retarded and i pity him because i cant see things working out with that mindset. WHO does that. only him. so fine. keep your issues. I WILL move on. right now im going to work on me and focus on my goals and my happiness and my spiritual growth and you will never ever ever be important to me or have any power over me again. and I will not speak to you. I dont want you I dont miss you youre an asshole. i dont want to cry anymore i dont care. no more wasting time on it im going to pretend i dont know you. honestly i dont. i dont know you i dont get you i dont need you and i dont want you. i want to move forward. my heart will heal and i will be okay but you just threw away the best thing that ever happened to you so it doesnt matter if its today tomorrow or a year from now you WILL feel it. and the tables will turn. steak and potatoes on my side. its whatever. me i gotta get back on my grind. i have a degree and some trophies to get. tunnel vision mode. goals only. FUCK YOU. YOU ARE SCUM. honestly. so mark this as the day. 3 days after the 5 month aniiversary of the day all this bullshit got started. one month from valentines day. things are officially over between us. forever. i will not speak to you no matter what you say. unless you express a desire to fix what you broke and a sincere remorse and value for me, nothing. i dont care what you say whether its mean or nice. i will ignore every single bit.