Just Shitty in general

Cried. took another nap. then I woke up texted him I had calmed down and I hoped he had a good day. then he said he hoped I did too. I told him I never wanted to stay home. that I was stressed and he can hurt me easily because hes usually my day maker and I missed that. and he said you can still come over so I said do you want me to. ive texted him 2x since then. its been an hour and a half. called him too. cause it the time it was 430. could've been there by 6. now its 545. probably not even worth it if he texts me at freaking 7. :( this is so horrible. I didn't want to spend easter like this how did I go from a hapy healthy relationship to this bullshit. he is so unfair. makes me SO sad. now im going to be sad tonight. and sad all week. and just...this is bullshit. I wish this person wasn't part of him. idk how to feel better. guess I have to take my phone off loud. and just accept that im gunna be studying tonight. ill have my tutoring apt tomorrow. and work all fucking day. I mean...honestly. like..i know if I did go over there we wouldn't just be together. I don't even know what to say to him. he has single handedly destroyed EVERYTHING. and im the one suffering. what the fuck is he doing :( im so sad. God help me. theres no hope for him. I am so sad.

Moral of th story: We ALWAYS end up back here

Cause this is who he is. A disrespectful asshole whose treatment of a women will depend on how he feels about her. so one girl one day might make him feel strongly enough to change but I mean...idk. that's shitty. feelsing go back and forth you shouldn't treat people bad when the original rosy glow fades. this whole week he just...stopped talking to me as much. I talk to him in the morning then basically go the whole day. it pisses me off cause he is not just "busy" the whole time. he chills with chris. goes to the movies with chris. he was fucking with chris when I was with him. Wednesday he told me sometimes he had popped xanex when he was with me which is why he would be so negligent and tired. that's when It started. everyday since he just ahsnt been talking to me and I been going crazy all day everyday. being sad. and he a[ologized and said some really sweet things the other day when we talked about it. but were supposed to be together TODAY. and were not. I kinda decided that earlier this week though. its easter. I don't trust him though. the pattern of me sitting there while he goes about his life like he sees me everyday wont leave my mind. and the way hes been talking to me lately. yday I BEGGED him to stop being like this and he said he would. then he hung up and wouldn't call me back. did that 3 times yday. that's three times he said he [romised and broke it. then that night I called him and was trying to talk to him and he didn't respond so I hung up cause I thought he fell asleep. then I called him back and he didn't! he just took too long to respind? sounded like he was high as fuck. but whatever. he wasn't even going to call me back. idk who he is anymore. honestly like..the change that took place over a week. I can understand hell never put me before bodybuilding but now weed? drugs I should've known it would be the end of us. he has to anser every phone call make every sale. he said things would be goo today and he lied. then like we got off the phone and I told em the convo waasnt going well anyway cause it wasn't. I said do you treat all your gfs like this? and he saud no! and I was like so bitches in the past you treated them better? and he said all relationships are diffnerent. I was fine but as im typing this t all comes back and im crying again. its like all my nightmares came true. he was probably so fucking good to brooke. I mea  now were just right back to he just doesn't like me that mucha nd I REALLY THOUGHT HE ID. wehad gotten so close and come so far but he has been the biggest dick to me all week and I barely remember this new person it hought he was. cause this is the same person I dealt with in the past. I literally do not want to see him. at all. ever really. I wanted him to make today better like he always does but I don't fucking believe a word that comes out of hismouth. everything he says just hurts me. he hasn't been sweet to me one bit we haven't been clicking like we normally do half the time unless its in the morning I feel like hes barely coherent. and he just...doesn't need me I guess. I wish I didn't have to do the same show as him. I wish I could erase him from my life and never have to see him again if I didn't want to. like...I wanted to get a dress and bunny ears and have a good day. now im going to be here all day either in the bed crying with a headache or just studying and watching tv right now im thinking ill be going back to the bed. I blocked him. idk. normally he wouldn't let this happen but he just thinks I complain all the time. had the nerve to say he didn sign up for this which is why he was hesitant in the first place? youre an asshole. hes an asshole. all week ive probably worked out twice. ive struggled to get through the day. because I gave him my heart and he was wreckless and I have to get as far away from his as possible or I wont make my show. I mean working out was the only thing I got to do that I njoy. now I don't evenw at to to that. I guess the lesson is no matter how he may seem like hes changed or is on his best behavior no matter what at some point it will go back to this. cause this is his natural state of being. he'll never love me. hell never truly care about me. today he told me he didn't even want kids. like..he was just so cold to me this week its like I been dealing with a stranger. I can barely remember but I was so happy just a week ago. SO happy. we had such a good time. all week we were like miss you miss you he likes all my pics we were doing SO good. but theres a sife of him that I cant be with. and I am so so hurt and very sad and still like I mean in my mind im like its only 1 o clock maybe hell call me when he gets off maybe hell regret everything and feel bad and want to be with me and salvage this day. all week hes been telling me he wants me to come over even this morning. like.....now things are just voer though I broke up with him. but I guess its just so hard to believe that im really going to spend this day locked up in my apartment with my cats. I mean...idk id rather be here than there in all honestly I had a bad feeling about today all week. I am just all out of sorts and off focus from going over there and driving and having to pack all my stuff and never being here. I am looking forwatd to being back in a routine and never having to be around fucking weed. like im starting to hate it. I actually would really like a boyfriend who doesn't smoke. cause im just over what it does to people. I want someone who is above the influence like me cause it changes people and it hurts me. and im over it. like. this was so unnecessary when I tell you we were doing good, we were. and then he started lying. breaking promises. im so livid and disgusted with him. I don't want to see him at all. I just wish...I wish he hadn't done this. that's all. but like..im not who I was. I don't NEED to be with him at all costs. I don't see good in him that cant be replaced. I don't remember what it s I saw that I was so preoccupied with and now that im closer to him I know hes not that great of a person not like I thought and without me he nevr will be. hes not going to get better hes going to get worse. and he will be fine but he will be an asshole. but if it doesn't affect him it doesn't matter. that's his mindset. im sick to death of every fuking thing being so complicated if he wasn't fucking dealing drugs 24.7 we  could definitely be together. this was his choice. he cant have balance in anything. I hate him for doing this. for choosing drug dealing over me for choosing to be chris. like..man, hes so amazing when hes sober and not doing this. so depressing :( I miss quality time I miss snuggling I miss having any kind of fucking say. today is EASTER. its A HOLIDAY. and im spending it alone cause im too depressed to leave the house and it honestly feels like nothing matters. im going to study but right now I need to pee and just go back to the bed and cry a little bit. I have a headache and just generally feel shitty. :( God help me recover from this.

MAYBE IM JUST PARANOID

Ironic he was singing that song the whole time I was with him lol anyway but yea maybe its the clen. im usually fine. I hope its me I really do hope im tripping. but its been 8 hrs since I talked to corey. we had an awesome Thursday and Friday together he even said so he told me like over the phone it was super sweet he said I had a really great time with you these past couple days. and I really like your hair. and your body looks better everytime I see you. I just got a text. probably Sandra telling me shes taking off. or jess, hold on lemme look. YAY actually it was him and he say hey don't worry I was napping and that he hadn't had a chance to read all my stuff. I was hoping that was it. doesn't account for the full 8 hours BUT. yea. I didn't say anything, I was going to but opted out. let him check his phone every five seconds and then end up calling me cause HES worried. but anyway yea SO i'll briefly touch on today then go into all the wonderful goodness that's ben going on :) today I didn't talk to him for 12 hours. we talked this morning.....UPDATE.....SO I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING. MOFO DIDNT NOTICE. DIDNT CALL. SO I JUST TEXTED HIM SAYING OK. THEN I SAID THATS A LONG NAP. GUESS ILL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW HOPE YOU CAN PENCIL ME IN IN THE MORNING. ..................and then I took my phone off loud. hopefully he does call me in the morning. tonight im a little over talking to him. and im not in the mood to write a wonderful blog about how wonderful things have been. I went over we had a great time. weve had awesome text convos and hes super sweet to me and things have been great. thought we might spend some of easter together. now im thinking no. idk. annoying day as faras he goes. the morning was great. we talked and then I did cardio. all positives. then we were snap chatting at work he told me I was cute. lol it was a great convo. idk things have been great. right now hes just annoying me. I need to cook but I don't wanna :( cant I just cook tmrw im over cooking! ill cook tomorrow im tired and I want to like do some hw and go to bed hopefully wakeup early cause I come in at all. anyway k bye..

Sigh. Just Have Faith... Relax...and Think Positive

So he was off today. I talked to him this morning. and then again when I went to the grocery store (on the phone). and we texted off and on at work. I called him when I got out of work (I had a feeling before I did that I shouldn't but I did) and he rejected my call! Like let it ring once and then hung up! Really? He's never done that. Usually he'll just let it ring, I mean I can see turning it on silent but pressing ignore. ive never seen him do that to anyone. maybe his phone was off? who knows. I doubt it. idk im hoping once again that it has nothing to do with me and him. it shouldn't. like I said things have been great. we talked about tomorrow several times today so he knows im coming over. I was going to go watch him pose tomorrow then workout. Yday I was scared too because lik idk I still remember him just going silent. Its been a good week and talking on the phone helped last week too BUT like I still have like one eye open I guess. Im having to learn to think logically and not be paranoid and also just to try my best to be positive. I mean. Things have been going well and the day went well and our convo ended well. so Idk im assuming he just...hell idk. All I can do is hope for the best. but I mean we talk all the time now and its so normal. yday after I told him how much the Bethany thing was bothering me like he was like so are you coming over tomorrow and we talked about me coming over on Saturday. I have been iinitiating a lot this week I guess I can back off a little. maybe after tomorrow. I usually don't talk to him much at night. im thinking maybe the reason I got the feeling I shouldn't call before I did was because it would turn into something that is nothing. so Im going to assume its nothing. Things have been better than ever this week. We're so close. On the subject of Bethany. Idk. this morning I reminded him about her bday. wish I hadn't. and then yday like I wrote on her wall like when we used to be friends and tonight I went back and deleted it. cause shes not acting like a friend. im not going to be fake. im not happy with her right now and im not going to pretend to be so im not going to like...im just not going to like...associate with her and I hid her from my timeline so that I wouldn't have to see her tagging him all the damn time. idk whats gunna happen with me and him as far as fb im a little bit over him deleting me every five seconds so eff it im not even goingto ask him anymore like if you don't want to be my friend fine. its bullshit what kind of relationship is that but whatever. all week hes been very courteous and like I said we talk every day. we talk on the phone a lot. he calls me every morning. im hoping he calls me in the morning. cause last Saturday we were on the phone for 3 hours. and that was awesome so I could entertain him again. plus just to like tell me what happened tonight. earlier I thought...for a second...that she might have done something for her bday and he might've gone...KNOWING he shouldn't..idk that would definitely cause HUGE trust issues but I mean nothing we cant talk out. I do not want that like open flirty relationship though. that's very annoying. he'll never have to deal with that with me. shoot maybe ..na. anyway yea so im just going to get ready for tomorrow prep all my food and try to get a good nights sleep. so I can wakeup and do my cardio. today went well I wanted a luncheable I had to like get my mind right because im going to be surrounded by foods that aren't on my diet constantly at work. but I said this time I wasn't cheating so im not. later tonight I actually tried and konrad stopped me so it was awesome. I see now this is going to be a struggle but itll be worth it. right now im cooking chicken. I want to go to sleep! think im going to try my best to pack my food for sunday and tomorrow so I don't have to do anything. and I guess I can come here real quick after the party ill probably leave a little early 4 hours is long. so I might show up late and leave early. so get there at like 11 and then leave at 1. ill just tell her I have tutoring and im sure she expects me to be late I want to take everything with me but I wont have anywhere to put it all that time so yea. gotta go get the damn baby a present lol ugh so expensive life is right now. my wrap business is legit so far. I need to sign up distributors to get that 10k. eff it this is the only way I know of to even get to that point. I mean if I don't do SOMETHING of that nature, I literally wont be able to compete. im grinding for the cause. its necessary. theres a lot I want to do for me that I cant do without extra income so here it is. I texted him twice. once saying like why did he reject my calls and I hope hes ok then the next saying he could just call me tomorrow so I hope he does. he usually does. if he doesn't especially since he will be at work I know like at 730 then I guess ill call him and be like dude whats up. I hope its nothing though. like hes got a lot going on and ive been a good thing for him. so im just hoping we're good. we should be. guess sometimes he just may not feel like being on the phone? idk/ anyway. yea im tired. SIGH. gotta get all my food together. still got at least half an hour to let the chicken cool. SIGH. might get a nap in while im waiting LOL. anyway God please just put your blessing on all my endeavors especially school. and help me work for my goals and do my best everyday. also, I cant help it whether its a liability or not (which is most certainly is) Corey has my heart. he means a lot to me and I really would like to stay with him and keep building on what we have so if you could please put your blessing on us as individuals to be our best selves and also as a couple to keep us together and faithful and in a healthy relationship. I really am happy with him. things have improved CRAZILY and I want to keep going in this positive direction. thank you for all the blessings. love you.

The Clearing In The Dark Forest

Well right NOW he isn't texting me back. but the last thing I said to him was that I missed his dick and I want it inside me so I highly DOUBT that I will just NOT get a response. hes at work. just closed. this was at like 7:44 and it is now...9:07 so Im guessing either his phone died or they were busy mostly likely his phone. I thought id get a pretty prompt response on that one lol but anyway so yea I have a tutoring session online at 9:08 that im not ready for but ill give this a shot. anyway so yea this past week was excellent. I was over there this weekend im sure I wrote about that in the last one. I actually ended up back over there um...Saturday night like real late after me and jen went to the movie and saw him briefly that morning on sunday and slept in. but I was satisfied. idk we had really really great convos all week. I did a really heartfelt man crush Monday and he liked it. of course I would love for him to like comment on them but I know were not to that point but hes really trying. great now I have 2 minutes lol anyway I was hoping hed call me like at like 930. he ought to be home by like 940 but I hope he at least texts me back. I think if he had any kind of problem with what I said that would pretty much question his sexuality lol but anyway yea today there was a scare cause he didn't text me for a few hours and then said like he had something to tell me which was why he didn't text me for a few hours and my heart dropped I was scared like something was wrong with us but it had to do with his sister. ok its about to be time ill have to come back to this.. .............................................................................................................................................................................................................. so I had my first tutoring session. LOVE that guy. but yea anyway so I still haven't talked to him I hope he didn't fuck up his phone more. and that he is able to call me in the morning. I love starting my day talking to him. and I hope nothing bad happened. ----------update apparently travis (Thomas son) got in a wreck and totaled his car :( that kid needs help. Lord help him. anyway today was rough for him. yday he caught areeb in the house. then today he heard areeb made out with some chick and his sister is so hurt. and then travis totaled his car. I hope he called me in the morning so I can talk to him but if he doesn't ill understand, im tired but I might go get something as my last fat meal. since it will be the last one for like 14 weeks. anyway were doing awesome though. like today Bethany freaking posted a pic of him posing at work and it really pissed me off cause shes always tagging him on fb. and I told him I was irritated so he called me and I kind of just vented about howmuch it bothered me and he was understanding I thought he was just gunna tell me I was trippin. but he said he was sorry and that he didn't like that I felt that way and that he would do his best to make sure it didn't continue to happen. I just think its super disrespectful for her to be on his dick like she is when she knows me and has for like 8 years. anyway but yea. the phone is the shit. we always call eachother now. but yea im tired. k bye :)

POSITIVE UPDATE: Talking on the Phone Helps a Relationship stay healthy

So long story short things are great between but I mean we went essentially another week without talking to eachother after he did that after spring break. he did it again last week. he says sometimes he just doesn't know what to say to me but he does care. the thing that sucked is that he promised he wouldn't and he did it anyway. and like towards the end I just broke down and texted him. I mean I did notice I had less anxiety without him. and it helps to grow me as a person everytime we separate BUT like..I just...I don't want to be without him. he has my heart. I want to be with him. I cant help it. I want to work through things I want us to be a team. So yea. anyway so but on Friday like I texted him I cant remember what I could look but anyway he said he was sorry and like he said I could come over that night so I did. and at first I ranted a little but like it went well. cause I told him to cancel all his plans and not be running errands and shit when im over there. that I wanted quality time. and we talked about him acting like a bad person and he said he didn't know he was coming off cocky or a bad person and that he does want to be better he doesn't wan tto be like that. and I mean we just talked about everything and we just chilled and did whatever. he knows how I feel about everything now. but the main thing ive realized is just like there are basically 2 parts to the relationship. physical and emotional. that's it. and both have to be good for it to work. you have to see eachother. and you have to talk. and talking doesn't just mean texting. like I noticed jen calls roger everyday on her lunch break. they live together but they still talk all the time and they have a great relationship. I wanted that with Corey but i didn't think I'd ever have it. another lesson. I NEED TO STOP SAYING NEVER AND STOP LIKE..ASSUMING THINGS CANT BE A CERTAIN WAY. OR THAT THE WAY THEY ARE IS AN INDICATION OF HOW THEY ALWAYS WILL BE. I really think communication can heal everything. so that's what weve been working on. communicating more. im having to pay attention to what doesn't work and stop repeating it. and a lot about who he is and who hes not. hes not a bad person. hes not like this amazing saint but he has a good heart. hes just...dauntless (divergent movie AWESOME). like 100%. im divergent :) lol but anyway yea so i mean. were different but we do go well together. i think my initial hesitation was just it seemed to me from afar that i wasn't going to blend into his life well ya know. and no in my eyes i didn't seem to just messh immediately. but i had to open my mind and be more confident and positive honestly and stop separating myself from the world like were not all human ya know? me introducing myself to people and being freidnly at the gym went so well. i no longer feel astranged there. and i try to carry this with me wherever i go. and think of people as family instead of strangers. and just try to be friendly and approachable and happy. and it helps so much. not like put on an act. that doesn't work. just putting my best foot forward. works well for me. im learning a lot. i would say though a HUGE difference has come from us talking on the phone. like i went over there things were good. he was in the shower and i answered one of his texts. cause i know his phone pw. he didn't get mad which was awesome cause i told him i was too scared to ever go through his phone and he was like i honestly don't have anything i wouldn't want you to see and it just lifted a little weight. for the rest of the night i was like telling him what people were saying and he didn't care. and i looked on his fb and i changed his relationship status to in a relationship with me. and accepted my friend request. and like yea that's where i messed up. when he found out he got really mad. and i could tell because the day before yday he deleted it. so i texted him and he wasn't answering me and my anxiety was getting bad so i called him and he didn't answer. i called twice and i was like he could be busy but it was like Friday night i knew he was off and he ALWAYS has his phone on him. and he has a charger now. and i knew he was up so there was really no reason for him not to answer me and we had been talking before. so yea before i went to the gym i called him again and he said he was ignoring me and that i hacked his fb and it wasn't cool. and i apologized sincerely and he said he forgave me and would let it go and i told him a story and we talked for a bit. not like a great convo he wasn't participating a whole lot but i mean i thought things were fine when we got off the phone he promised he was fine. and then like as im leaving the gym i went to go look at the pic i tagged of him because people were liking it and he had deleted me as a friend. and it was 1am so i couldn't talk to him so i like went home and just cried and cried. freaking out. wrote em a message but i set my alarm to wakeup and call him at 740am cause i knew hed be at work. i didn t think hed answer. i was convinced it was going to be another horrible week. and i mean i was crying hard because i felt like he was putting so much pressure on me and i couldn't keep walking on tippy toes and that he just didn't want to be with me and was looking for any excuse. i was like really really thoroughly upset. i was just praying like God im not strong enough to walk away and i don't want to like for the fact that i have been so true and so faithful and believed can you please just let me have this one. and like i want your will but i just don't want to lose him and i fell asleep crying. i prayed hed at least answer the phone. but i knew he wouldn't. so like when i woke up before i called i texted aeric to see if i could come late and leave early. and he said yes. but he did answer. he admitted he did delete me cause he was mad at me. and we talked about it for maybe five minutes. i apologized again and i told him like i was just being stupid but if i had known it would upset him i never would've done it cause it just wasn't important. and like he was sitting right next to me when i did it i thought hed notice right then. but yea then he just changed the subject and told me about his morning. which was catastrophic and hilarious. but yea like then we were on the phone for like 3 hours! we really only got off cause..i cant remember i think he had another customer b ut there were several times where he'd just like put the pphone down and let me listen. it was an awesome way to start my day. and during the convo like he told me just in passing that he made his super steroid payment and had $5 to his name and i knew he needed food so i told him he could use my debit card and pay me back. and he reluctantly agreed after i told him it wasn't a problem. and so i told him we would go to an earlier movie (me and jen) and then id come over and just stay over and he was like ok that's cool. so like i went over there after work. and i was so tired. and i know he was tired. but like chris gave him 100 dollars already. so i didn't have to do anything but buy him karbolyn and im happy because i had a lot of expenses i forgot lol and rents due. but anyway yea so we went to the store real quick. and like literally went home watched some tv a little bit and went to sleep. i wasn't fighting it cause once i took my unisom i could barely keep my eyes open. and lik i mean i wanted to have sex but i was so tired. but somehow we did anyway. i don't know if he nutted or not. it was super wet though and it got on the bed but we stopped and i knocked the fuck out. and like in the morning i could barely wake up he was like wakeup i have to leave soon lol and i just couldn't. im going to have to start taking only one unisom lol ause that shit is like a tranquilizer for me. buut yea so anyway then this morning he was kissing me and he told me to get on top of him and i ddi then like i went down on him to lube it up but i didn't end up getting on top of him he just nutted when i gave him head so easy enough lol then he left and i was actually happy because i wanted to go back to sleep. i slept for like another half hour and just happened to get up RIGHT on time to leave thank the LOrd and i made it RIGHT on time. it was awesome cause like he randomly called me as i was getting close to vitamin shoppe at like 1020. hed been at work like almost an hour. and i figured he needed something but he just called to chat :) i LOVE starting my day off talking to him. and just being on the phone with him. and we just talk about whatever. then jen called me like half an hour later and i accidentally hung up on em. but called em right back and we talked like til the store opened and he said hed text me. he didn't but i didn't care i ended up just asking him how his day was going cause mine was annoying me lol but yea today went well too. and then like as i was leaving i asked him if he would start calling me and waking me up when hes on the way to do cardio so i can get up and like not continue to sleep my life away and make better habits. i didn't know what hed say but he was so receptive and willing and it is just so nice to have him sometimes like ive never prepped WITH someone ya know. he said "okay. for sure. i know its tough. i told myself i was going to weeks ago and i only started this week. it happened last year also. you just gotta get into a groove and now i cant start my day without it. i looked the best i have when i was posing with Lindsay just now. ill call you. better put it on loud cause i wake up early :) i texted him back and he never texted me back but it didn't bother me. its crazy how when you have nothing to worry about...you don't worry. but yea i need to go to bed asap cause of that. update on my fitness journey i was so excited to have made 12% bodyfat so of course i had to start cheating and i couldn't stop i did it all week my head just hasn't been in the right place. so i need to get back on my plan til i get my new one from kim on Friday. i do not care im notprocrastinating anymore. he looks better everyday i want to start seeing drastic awesome results too. like i do not want to mess this up this time. im following that diet to a t i don't care if i don't like it i don't care if im miserable ill find a way. theres only one month left of school before finals ill be ok time has been flying by. i can do this and i will do this it means everything to me. once i get my body right so many doors are going to open that have been closed all this time. im a new person and i know i can do this and i want to. i want to win. i want to be amazing i want my results i want to scare people. and be confident. and WIN. and go pro. and just start living to my potential. or hes going to leave me behind because he already looks AMAZING and he is busting his ass. its my turn. and i know its harder because i have school and yes i am struggling but Sandra says i can get a tutor. id im going to have to have a miracle to pass these last two classes but ill do whatever i can. i want it all. i want my degree and these trophies i need to get OUT OF SCHOOL. God help me do what it takes. i think as far as like fitness goes. im getting too caught up again in the future. in like...whats gunna happen when i look a certain way. my LONG term goals and i forgot about the short term ones that will get me there. the results distracted me from the doing but now anymore. tomorrow is Monday thank the Lord and i am ready to rumble! i'll take a little break from IG right now i need to focus on my body. so no more craziness no more showing off my nothingness to show off. i need to get down to 8%. give me 6 weeks. so in the middle of may. that's the goal. a pound of fat a week. and hopefully gain some muscle. now i have two days to lose this horrible water and take my starting pics for kim. im so excited and like...curious what hes going to give me i wish it was tomorrow!!

Im an idiot. a good hearted idiot

Of course. I texted him. aeric is transferring stores and I was upset. and I thought about him all day so when I got in the car to leave work I texted him about it. I missed him so much. I know talking to him right now is just going to make things worse and remind me hes still the same horrible person he was 5 days ago. I cant be strong enough or the person I need to be for him to value me. he just should. but he wont. I know we wont get another chance. and im going to have to go through this and deal with the pain  no matter what. cause the devil has a strong hold on him and hes not letting go. and if he cared about me he would've texted me before now. he didn't even text me this time. he obviously doesn't miss me. I need to end the convo as soon as possible before I get hurt even worse. God Im so sorry. I just wanted to talk to him. I miss hhim so much and it is so hard going through the week without talking to him. I love my life theres nothing missing from it I wouldn't change anything. I just...I had my dream guy and he has turned into a nightmare and I miss the person I fell for. but he is so heartless and dead inside. and he has no feelings for me. Please help me and just carry me away because im just nnot strong enough to do this myself. when I love I love hard and I don't let go and I feel like this is never going to end. me and him are over but im just going to keep hurting and keep holding on. I hate that about myself I hate that I do that. I need to focus and let him go. God help me. I cant. idk what to do. I do know what to do but regardless of what I do I just feel....crappy. why couldn't he miss me. why couldn't he cry?? why couldn't he ever value me how did I let myself see any good in this person and why do I still see it when will I wakeup and realize life is not a fucking fairy tale I haven't ever gotten one fairy tale ending ever not one time it always ends in tragedy. and I still just...maybe its my coping mechanism. I could cry so hard. for so long. cause it hurts so much I miss him. and it sjust little weak me. looking stupid. talking to him. never just staying away boosting his already monstrous head. he would've never come after me. God help me. I was wrong and now im just.. paying for it. after we got done talking about aeric I said "how bout you? how are you? I try not to worry." and this motherfucker says "now why would you worry lol im pretty good though. just focusing on the show working a lot. how are you?" How could he laugh why doesn't he see it God I want him to stop selling drugs so bad!!!! what I said meant nothing to him God I was right in what I said he has sunk down to the deepest scum! omg. how does he sleep. he feels no fucking remorse he doesn't plan on apologizing how did I get myself involved with someone so horrible God please help me. he laughed.....BECAUSE YOU SELL DRUGS YOU IDIOT. BECAUSE YOUVE SOLD YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL. I guess there is nothing to worry about. hes happy. :( hes happy. God help me. im over here writing freaking novels every day and every night waking up and going to bed thinking about him and he is happy. I believe in you Go I want you to k now that I don't know when o how but I know by some kind of miracle youre going to pull me out of this hole ive gotten myself into and I want to again apologize from the bottom of my heart for getting myself into it. and everytime you get me out I jump right back in I really am so sorry God. I know im weak. but I have a really really good heart and I promise unlike him I will be of use to you one day. I really am sorry. I guess its good that I texted im. I needed to be reminded what im dealing with. this is not sweet corey that thinks about me all the time and misses me and texts me and wants to be with me. this is the real corey. the asshole. who is so obsessed with money and the mirror I porobably haven't even crossed his mind. I just deleied the texts im not answering him. all this time he hasn't said a word. hasn't apologized. hasn't checked on me. and hes just been going on with his life. man. itll take a miracle but I know youll catrry me to a better place and away from this person God. one day I wont hurt anymore its hard to believe but I do. im gunna go plug this stupi pone up. and im over here thinking oh im not texting back to that. and that he would even notice. please. he'll go right back to his perfect sin infested life. God help me focus please. ii really want to just go to bed.