its always up and down

so update from last time i actually tried to break up with him because he just makes me feel like im too serious and its crazy how much i have to hold back. and i was sad but i knew i had to let em go. but he wouldnt let me he didnt want to he shocked the shit out of me i mean he just...its like he hides how he feels so well. but what he said and how he started acting made me feel a lot better. like all of a sudden he was wanting to spend all this time with me and invite me places and just...idk. i thought it was going to be over but it got way better and for once i knew officially that we were a couple and i love ittt. well now..idk why just over night it changes. i mean i can tell his feelings are deepening. just like the main thing is the sex cause i have known for quite some time now that i was falling for him but i didnt know if we were on the same page i think we are as long as no one says it. but like yea idk.....i looked at a list of ways to tell if a guy is falling for you and one was the sex. ever since then ive started to notice and especially last night idk its just different. they said it perfect when you have sex its wham bam thank you maam its uninvolved but when you make love you can practically feel their soul. when he kisses me its pretty intimate its always been that way he kisses me a lot more now. (heres the article http://allwomenstalk.com/12-signs-hes-falling-in-love-with-you/2/) i mean back in the day we had great sex. a lot. but now...idk he goes slower. not slow but slower. it feels better. a lot better. he looks at me like i always look at him cause i fucking love his sexy ass fucking face. but like now he just the way he looks at me. and he smiles. and it just feels like more its like way more intimate i remember thinking that last time cause it was just more contact ya know. and he was kissing me more during. but this time even when we were off the side of the bed which is the best position ever like he laid on top of me ya know and was kissing me and going kind of slow which just normally isnt his style, the whole time im with him its like he just touches my freaking face and i melt. i mean that deep breath feels so good and i mean i love making out with him but its like the pecks are even better? i mean mmmmm. its like all these freaking sparks his lips are so damn soft and i just like ..idk how to explain it but theres a lot there when we kiss its never just mwah and done. idk man idk how he lives like this i pray that one day he will feel enough and it will overtake him and just burst out because i am like....DYING holding all this in it SUCKS. i really didnt want this to happen so soon im not 100% sure so it may not be true but when were like kissing or when im just laying on his chest in my mind im just saying i love you i love you i love you FUCK i wish he felt the same and i know i have to hold it in which SUCKS cause i wanna say it so bad but i really dont. i want to HEAR it. and i probably wont til like christmas if that. i just cant see him falling for me hes just so like..restrained ya know he just is able to hide everything or like not feel FUCK IDK BUT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. other things that drive me crazy. how he thinks he knows everything about competing and i feel like eventually him being way more serious about it than me might be an issue. but yea ugh on that. he likes to argue about stupid things sometimes which annoys the fuck out of me. hes always judging me as far as that does and that annoys me. im tired as fuck i wanna lay back down im supposed to be going to the gym i cant even finish typing.

last night went great BUT

Idk. we go well together. idk why this bothers me so much i guess its just not what Im used to. he does NOT want to be facebook official. but he considers me he gf, i clearly consider him my bf. we do so much together. i told him all of this today. yesterday went great he liked everything. i freaking love being with him. as usual. we had a lot of sex. yesterday 4 times and 3 times today and i used the dickaliscious and swallowed lol and i used to vibrating penis ring. it didnt work 100% as well as it did in the past like sometimes you couldnt feel the vibration but im pretty sure he liked it. he said he did. he wasnt obsessed but he liked it. idk. i think these next couple weeks of me prepping i need to be a little self centered and kind of distance myself from him and focus on me and all the things im doing and like get back centered cause i have been like..distracted by him for a long time its definitely thrown off my prep. he makes me happy but he will never make his whole life about me so i shouldnt do that. and when he left today mostly i felt dead tired but like...idk i just always feel like i like him WAY more than he likes me and im sick of feeling like that the only thing i can think to do is like him less. i think i just need to gain some perspective. idk how im supposed to get more collateral like i said i have a little bit but not a lot. i think i need to never mention titles or fbo or anything ever again because he seems to function better when you dont ask. last night i almost cried. caus like idk i just really thought he would be down for it at this point and sometimes i feel like he doesnt appreciate me. sometimes it feels like this is just a game we're playing and it can't go on :( but gah i would hate that SO much. i think ive just lost myself a little and my confidence is kinda down so i put him on a pedistal. i got all my feelings out today instead of last night he says he isnt saying itll never happen..but he did say like i do have the title. hes just so weird when it comes to all of this. the way he acts says one thing but i still feel like im paying for the mistakes of the past. i just really wish i meant more to him cause right now i just feel like i dont have 100% of him. and it feels like shit. im so good to him. i mean agfter all that you couldnt just change your fb status? i kinda feel like...idk i just wanna like not freaking talk to him for a while like..idk what to do. i did tell em yesterday i feel like he rhinks he has me wrapped around his finger but i can unspoil him real quick and he was like nooooo. lol and i told em i feel like he just thinks he could so easily just live without me. like whatever ya know? but he said he can't. idk. at breakfast he told me he does take steroids. im excited because hes going to let me give him the shot in his ass lol and hes going to be all agressive. september 30th :) but anyway yea i really really like him idk why but it just doesnt feel real sometimes i feel like im in too deep and hes not but he should be! im not going to feel comfortable until i feel like we're on the samee page which i dont. i really think its his age. i know 23 will be a totally different thing. but anyway yea so also his friend chris is a drug dealer? and pays for everything for the new apt and pays him. which i guess is fine. um hes been to jail. blah idc. i just..want to get closer to him. but i need to get in a better mental state with myself. im in a battle right now mentally questioning what i get out of our relationship emotionally. in mean ...idk i really really like him and i want to be around him. and i get a partner in crime to do stuff with and i have a sex life now. he doesnt leave me empty handed much. idk. he does make me happy for the most part i just need to not be dependent on himand get MY life back. i mean as far as prep and work goes i think i was better before him. i been struggling way more with everything since he came so some time apart is probably needed. i just hate like i need to un-feel how i feel. cause i cant tell em and it hurts to keep it all in and last night he told me he feels like i dont really know him very well. and that like he actually is very emotinal (which i dont believe) but i really just feel like hes felt so much for so many girls and he just doesnt feel it for me and i feel like im going to end up getting rejected and hurt. i just need to get back to a place where i feel like a guy is lucky to have me and i dont need them. which is the truth he is VERY lucky to have me. very. but i FEEL lucky to have him i just like him so much. i need to back off because i need to like myself more than i like him or its not going to go anywhere. ive become more self conscious. i dont feel like im on my game right now especially my body. im not doing things for me that im supposed to do i put him first which i shouldnt. i mean i dont need to be staring at my phone all day at work. i dont need to be like wanting to see him all the time and not going to school and shit. i mean i feel shitty right now because hes going to college station and all this blah. im not worried about what hes doing idc. its not a big deal. but like...idk i KINDA wish he had invited me he knows im off tomorrow and i feel like if he really liked me he would have. thought he might invite me to meet his family today. didnt. thought he might make it fbo this weekend, didnt. i feel realy crappy right now honestly. i just feel like hes not contributing a whole lot and doesnt seem to like..idk october should be better. i had a good feeling i dont have anymore but like theres halloween and the renaissance festival. i think the weekend concert is next weekend he invited me to go idk if hes going to remember i dont really care about the weekend. but i would want to go it sounds fun. im just feeling suuuuper self conscious right now. which is me not him. i dont want to ruin a good thing i mean minus me being self conscious which is not his fault it wouldnt be bad. i mean i feel like he thinks im boring cause like i dont do anything and i dont seem to have as many friends as he has but i choose to be this way and i dont want to change it. and i asked him if he gets bored of me and apparently he doesnt. he hasnt SAID any of these things to me. so i am making assumptions. i mean idk. ive let myself get kind of down and like i said i put him on the pedistal. but i mean i have accomplished a loot more than he has at this point no one pays for my shit. out of the two of us i think im the hotter one. although in my mind hes the hottest guy on the planet. but like i mean i just need to get back into my life, what interests me, and remind myself of my goals and not let him get in the way. which he has. i have to choose. he'll be there. and the fun stuff comes after my show. so i can put him on the backburner for a while he wont ..idk. i just feel like he has a lot more going on than i do....but he doesnt. i need a break. i need a break from corey. break from facebook. break from everything to get my mind where it needs to be. i think i'll turn my phone off til i need it to workout tomorrow. i dont need it right now. anyway..i mean im the catch here. im the beautiful smart one with the body and the accomplishments and her own busness. i pay for all my own shit. i make friends everywhere i go everybody likes me. ive got a great personality and a very bright future im in school. im saying these things but i dont believe them right now. definitely time to whip out the books and do some soul searching. and if hes not helping he doesnt HAVE to be around. i personally am tired of like pampering him and obsessing over him when he doesnt do it for me and he doesnt seem to reciprocate he just lets me annnd idk. it's stupid after all ive done for him he cant just..do one thing. i dont want to make a big deal. to lose him would be horrible and id feel stupid later if it was over facebook. but like..i dont want to be the one courting him anymore im done its about me. i want him to care and if he doesn't its going to break my heart but i have to let him go because i want someone that loves me passionately and cant live without me. its early so if he can get there great but like...idk. :( I hope this works out gah i havent liked someone like this in so long we just work. sometimes i feel like im playing house but i mean..the feelings are there im just sick of being so unsure about his. i guess ill give it more time. at my show it'll have been two months. whats he got to say then. at that point if i have to end it i will. im not going to end it now while things are going well i got time and something with him is definitely better than nothing. everything with us is good. and fun. i just love everything about him. i guess he doesnt necessarily have a chance to feel that way about me because my confidence is down. and its got to get back up. period. so yea time to myself... to regroup. focus on me. and yea ill get back to him. he'll be okay. i gotta get to where im 100% okay without him. and then ill be happier and a lot safer. i just gotta say like to breakup now and see eachother at the show....that would BREAK my heart. i mean...just being around him and us not being us....he just..im falling for this kid and it sucks. but he cant fall for me if im not being myself and if im being all insecure. he told me brook told him she loved him extra early and he didnt tell her back but he stayed with her. and then he told her later. i dont want to be the girl likes him more than he likes me. i want my own life and my own goals and my own things that go on without him. so i gotta get back to that place. gotta get back to me. ill get my books out. and start working on me in this time i have and when i feel like im recovered and back to myself ill you know...get back to him. i kind of want to take these two days and keep my phone off the whole time. well i need it for music at the gym but i could keep it on airplane mode. that would be a true vacation. a true escape for ONCE for me to get stuff done and get back to a good place. right now what i care about is the show. im not getting up there looking shitty i want to impress. my butt is not where i want it but my main weakness is my stomach at this point. i need to lose about 5 more pounds of solid fat. if i do my two hours of cardio and my workouts i should be burning 1400 calories a day. Do that 6 times a week for 3 weeks and I could lose 7.1 pounds which would be optimal. i can't afford cheat meals but if i do it has to be like from fruit or some extra nuts. mostly i need to just chew my gum. its 25 days. i can do 25 days. even if i have to get through each one individual and say 24 more to go 23 more to go. i havent shown anyone any discipline or true care even myself so its time starting tomorrow to WAKE UP do the cardio PERIOD. do whatever else im supposed to do. focus on being wherei am when im there and honestly i wont have a lot of time to be worried about him. its only 4 weeks. 4 weeks for me to refind myself and get my confidence back and get back into my routine and 4 weeks for him to...idk. do whatever. and figure out if he gives a shit or not. and he just better be with me to support me. my suit is coming in next week which is so exciting thank the Lord that'll be very motivating i have to put it on everyday and practice my posing. probably two weeks out ill start really practicing my posing. but yea....idk. its time for me to regroup and get my head together and also like ive made him the #1 man in my life when we all know whot hats supposed to be. no wonder ive been off. God take me back into your arms and help me regain myself and re-center and move forward. i dont want to live for him I want to livefor you and have my own life not just be a part of his thats not what im here for. i love you thank you for being there for me and always reining me back in!

dear you

two posts in one day geez. i wish i could tell you this to your face but i wont i know it would ruin things. well, yea i guess. its fine that we dont spend a bunch of time talking about how we feel cause i can FEEL how you feel and thats enough for me. ill try to play it cool ;) i know im going to wow you on your bday and youll be amazed and very happy. and one day i know youll return the favor. i know you do what you can for me. youve done more than A ever did. three dates you always pay and you always just do what makes me happy youre not selfish at all your sweet. i can tell that you're starting to like...trust me and let me in a little. i feel like i have more collateral now. not a whole lot but more. you definitely care. i mean before you seemed to be PLANNING to like...break away from me after your bday which still might be the case...but i doubt it. especially after your bday. i feel like it would be hard for you at this point to see me less. but i know its going to have to be cut down to like once a week so i can focus on school and my prep. but anyway for now...idk yesterday you told me twice that you liked me. and now i can tell we're getting so much closer. i love it. thursday will be exactly one month since that night you came over and we talked for 5 hours lol gah. idk i just want you to know i mean it with all myheart when i say youre my favorite you really are. you just make me so happy. i think youre the most attractive guy on the planet. everytime i get to see it i still get so excited and just being around you is like the thrill of my life right now. kissing you feels SO good i mean i could look at you forever. i dont know why. its not anything specific about you that is just so impressive to me. i just like you a LOT. everything about you. youre so freaking hilarious. but youre pretty positive still and nice but you can talk shit when its time. youre a good person i know you are. you dont know it...cause youre pretty humble...but you are good to me you make me so happy i feel special just to be with you. everytime you touch my face i feel like a princess. it literally is like being high but better i feel so good. i still get butterflies i feel like i could kiss you forever. and just stare into those pretty eyes and your amazing smile. and you make all these sexy faces. like...mm idk all freaking manly and youre so strong. your body is freaking UH-MAZING. like..i cant keep my hands off you. im getting adjusted to your skin tone and i like it. i like your hair color and how it goes with your eyes and i like how you style it. you just look freaking hot. like a chip and dale. lol your necklace that you never take off. idk the way it rests on your pecs you just look like a freaking model like oh my GOSH. your body. and youre SO stronnnnnnggggg i mean. ah. i love it. youre so.freaking.manly. i feel so...like..idk fragile and shit. youre freaking beautiful everytime i look at you im like mmm my man is fine haha i cannot wait til friday its going to be a good FUCKING night lol just like last night maybe better. and we dont have to work on saturday im going to make you a cake and keep it in the oven and write on it. so excited. im going to blow everyone else out of the water. i know its silly. youre not even my bf and we just started talking i just really like you i dont know why but i cant help it. and as far as everyone else knows i mean i still feel like most people probably think we're dating ...hell idk. yea we havent like "come out" lol cause we're not together and i feel like we will be eventually but idk what thats gunna be like. maybe i shouldnt have gotten you ALL THIS SHIT. but i didnt get it for you cause i want you to make me your gf. or because i want you to be impressed by me or whatever. in truth you might just think im too over the top but i hope not. idk. i just wanted you to have it and to have an awesome bday. i just think really highly of you i hope you know that. its not anything youve done or any specific traits about you, though there isnt a whole lot i dont like about you...at all. and nothing i would change...i just wanted to do nice things for you just cause. i want to be a big part of your life. if you ever wondered. thats all. i want to be the #1 person by your side for everything. i want to talk to you everyday and know for sure im going to see you on a regular basis. i want to know everything about you to the point people can ask me stuff if they cant get a hold of you. i want to know your family and all your friends i want to be a HUGE part of your life and you mine. i dont want to just be a facebook title ya know thats no big. i want you to know that i really really really care about you and i want you to be happy and okay. i LIKE taking care of you because its fun thank you for letting me and making me feel needed instead of just..like im doing too much or am annoying. i know boys SHOULD appreciate what i do and let me and just..let me be that girl. but they normally dont. thank YOU for doing what you should. yes you can be an ass, but for the most part i know youre just kidding. in reality you are always very sweet to me. today when you were like yeah right you kind of ruined my mood. but your response to my response made me feel better. idk. i feel like if i can get to your heart i wont regret it because you seem really reliable and like you're just a good dude. i like where this is going. i see you like...inviting me places in the future. saying we can match at the texans games. feels like you want to continue to spend time with me instead of pushing me away. i just feel like if you found the right girl you would be wonderful. youre wonderful now. you and i may value different things but you are all of the things I value. and I hope you know if you do feel how I feel and if we are both falling down that road.. i will be your biggest cheerleader. i will always be there for you in the clutch and i'm down to do anything with you (not involvin g heights)> you may think your potential lies in bodybuilding and it might i will 100% support you in that and i think we would be an awesome ass power couple. but as you age if you dont change, i know you would make a great husband for someone. youre sweet and romantic and thoughtful. and if we did stay together that long i know once you mature you'll be a wonderful dad to whoevers children you may have. i cant necessarily picture all of that. theres still a lot we don t know about eachother but i want to know more. we seem to have gotten out eachothers weaknesses and we;re okay with them so far. ah. i just like you SO much. i cant wait to surprise you with all of this i know youre going to be so happy. and you do deserve it. something inside of you is very good idk what it is but i sense something very valuable in you. just know if you ask me..ill say yes :)

a LOT of SEX

and I mean a lot. 5 times last night and once this morning. thats the most ive ever had one time me and g did it 4 times but i mean. idk i couldnt stop. he initiated the first time. kind of. but the rest was me haha he said he likes it lol we probably got 4 hours of sleep but i wasnt tired i got up at 8 and we just cuddled and kissed and then we had sex again then at 10 i cooked him breakfast. its nice to have someone to do stuff for. im going all out for his bday. i know we havent known eachother that long. and he most likely wouldnt do all this for me. but thats not why im doing it. in truth idk why im doing it. guess i just like doing stuff for him and i want him to have a badass bday. i got em a new wallet that should be in the mail. and im getting a dress and sexy undies and a vibrating penis ring hahah and some dickaliscious probably. show him some cool stuff haha and were going to macaroni grill and then to see insidious 2. im excited i think its gunna be a really fun night. hes going to see the weekend on the 24th and he invited me to go with him and his friend chris. thought that was nice :) and yesterday out of the blue he told me he missed me via text :) so i definitely think he is starting to kind of open up and like me more. hes on me the whole time when hes here which i love and we kiss a lot. he kisses my head and my shoulder and just gives me good ass regular kisses and then we'll makeout for hours which i loooove. everytime i think about us kissing or him touching my face or the faces he makes when we have sex it like gives me chills. i just think he is like the most attractive guy on earth. i mean i feel so lucky his ex is crazy. his body is amazing. i love his hair and his face and his pretty eyes and his smile. he's starting to figure out how to turn me on we're both getting more comfortable which is great. he like..gets all...idk like ... aggressive he'll put his hands around my throat well just one and idk why but i fucking LOVE that shit lol mmmmmm. and he grabs my ass and just like we just kiss and look at eachother lol idk. if me being so obsessive doesnt get on his nerves and he doesnt mind laying in the bed with me allllll the time just watching tv and kissing and looking at eachother (plus sex) then he must really like me. and it is a drive i know he hates driving but he comes anyway. yesterday i told em we wouldnt see eachother til friday and he thought i was implying that it would be because of him and he was like what who said we werent gunna see eachother im off tuesday and thursday so im seeing you lol but i meant because of school and work i open all week. but i decided to skip school today so we could see eachother one more time. i know i gotta get on my game. cant make the same mistakes as last year. he's so worth it though man he just makes me feel so good. kissing him feels freaking amazing.it sucks cause i cant tell em cause i dont want to scare him. im praying that he's kind of..starting to get in deeper too. i can't always tell. well i know he is but idk if we're on the exact same page or some approaching the same chapter. idk. i was thinking it would be cool if he would ask me to be his gf this weekend especially with everything im doing for his bday. idk it feels right im not doing it to impress him. i just want to. it feels like we're together and i think he thinks of me that way so i really dont care about the title and all that. its not a big deal. one day when he asks if i want to be facebook official though, cause he knows like how i feel about it, ill know hes really starting to like get attached. he thinks he wont blah blah but i know me im not too bad at this people get addicted to me too so you never know. he didnt come over the other night but yea he was here last night. and friday. idk we just go together like two peas in a pod. we have so much fun but he can also be like all lovey dovey too. and he thinks im the sweetest girl. which i am ;) LOL but anyway yea idk. its a good place right now. im just like yayyyyy sex on the reg haha i just..idk man hes so damn attractive i just couldnt stop lol he was making fun of me this morning but i know he likes that shit. he told me he liked the way i jumped on him the other day. definitely becoming more like..sharing our thoughts with eachother and like being very sexual which i like. its just nice to have someone.t his weekend is gunna be awesome to cause friday will be my 5th day of 2 a day cardio. ill probably just..have to get it all in before work cause once i get off its all about him :) im off satuday too so idk whatll b going on then im assuming he will be with his family cause its his actual bday which is fine. anyway but yea i love everything about this kid. he just gets sooo close to me. and his eyes are so pretty. and i loooooooooove the way he kisses me and he touches my face. he acts like he doesnt feel what i feel. like the kissing is just kissing and when he looks at me hes just looking at me but i know he feels good as hell too or he wouldnt do it so much. things have gotten much better since our first little bump in the road. its really nice to have a ppartner in crime and someone to talk to about everything and just...idk the physical part is excellent. i feel soooooo lucky to be around him i really hope he feels the same. im bout to look so good on friday. i wanna kill it at this show. mostly for me. to do what i dream of for once and see how good my best is. show everyone including myself im not full of shit. but i still want to be a bad bitch. i want to look amazing i want him to be like wow you really know what youre doing you look so good. i want him to see like how popular i am and how well i do and be so proud. i want him to be like posting on facebook like look at my girl killin the stage. i dont want to get my hopes up but damnit if i bust my ass and get as lean as possible there is really no reason why i couldnt place. i want top 5 in my class first callouts. i want to DAZZLE. i want to look and feel so hot and have the time of my life and love my body to death and have everyone scared. i just want to feel awesome and for it to be worth it. i have to be super consistent and work very hard and i know it will be worth it.and he will be proud of me my clients will be proud of me and everyone at the show will notice me. i wan t to do it for on ce. i am kind of scared because i wa sonly on my bc for 3 days when we first had sex. and then on the 7th day on my pill i started spotting. PRAYING o dont have to go through this again but God knows my dream he knows my intentions and I know he has my back. im going to have a lot of kids one day :) i think it would be funny if he were to fall in love with me and then in time all of a sudden hes on my page and feels like he wants me to have his kids. i told em one day the tables are going to turn and hes going to see what i see. i can see him telling his friends man shes wifey material. i can see him like really realizing what he has and a pray its not through something stupid. i was literally about to put "i do love him" GIRL NO YOU DONT. you just met the kid! but. i could. and i feel like we're on our way there. what we have is very good. happy :) i never thought we'd be like we are. but we are. being without eachother is sad and being with eachother is fun. and we're always there for eachother and we see the good in eachother and thank you God. :) yay!

please don't let my prince charming be the forbidden fruit

I knooooowww i initiated us talking. but I dont think its wrong to talk to someone you like. now if you FORCE it like I have in the past okay but I really didnt have to work hard for this one. I didnt steal him from anyone I didnt pull any strings. things just fell into place and we've been completely honest with eachother. we're always ourselves and as 100% ourselves without holding back at all we just make eachother happy. there is nothing i would change about him even if i could not one thing he is just absolutely perfect in my eyes and i havent felt that way about anyone since bj. we're taking things...slow compared to others. we hung out...six times before we had sex. the first time we talked for five effing hours in my bed and he didnt even attempt to touch me. the second time i mean it was probably 3 times before he even got close to me. then like we spent a LOT of time IN eachother's faces like inches apart before he finally kissed me. i havent been THIS paralyzed in someones presence in a minute. i think it really was bj. or am i always like this? na. with him i was like a little kid and he kinda was too. even the day after i just couldnt do it. i could stare at him all day but im not like...brave enough to kiss him yet hell i might be now. we had like a rough couple days. all over being facebook official i guess i scared the shit out of him but honestly i think it was necessary i really thought it would be the end of us and i wanted to die. didnt know i cared that much. but i do. i used to think we'd never be anything romantic. that we were kind of better off friends. couldnt see him having any piece of my heart but he does. as i get to know him it only gets more. the way he makes me feel is freaking addictive. its not like anthony where he just tells me all these nice things. i mean when he does it means the freaking world but he just..is actually WITH me. he drives all the way out here to see me. we been on three dates. he opens the door for me and shit. and hes just down for whatever i want hes not selfish at all. lets me get whatever food i want doesnt care just lets me do what i want to be happy. he like...idk. hes more of a man than anthony was and hes defnitely half his age. hes just, idk hes not sweet ALL the time. he picks on me but he is good to me. one time i was laying in the bed and i hadnt eaten and i was bleeding and my stomach hurt so bad. he kept asking me what i wanted its like he doesnt want to see me unhappy or in pain. like i was just in pain. this mofo carried me to the kitchen and sat me on the counter and made my food for me. then he carried me back to the bed and brought it to me. hes so soft everywhere like iw as just leaning all over him and it felt so good. he smells SO good and its really just his deodarant. and his hair is so cute and its soft. his freaking eyes are GORGEOUS. i love everything about his face i havent been this attracted to anyone in a minute. omg. like...wow. and he like...i guess the last time it took forever i was so tired but i wasnt going to sleep without a kiss. so yea he finally kissed me and it felt like all the tension was relieved it was so much better than i ever thought it could be. hes like...a romantic kisser. all passionate and shit its soft and like idk man his lips are unbelievably soft and his mouth tastes good as hell im like obsessed i want more and more i could do that shit all day its like my new favorite thing. and i was goig to wait til his bday but i couldnt help myself so we had sex and i was pleasantly surprised. hes just so beasty in every way. his penis is great its not huge but its not small and its beautiful lol he shaves EVERYTHING. but like i saw it and its not strangely colored its actually really pretty. hes realy pretty. his body is freaking amazing i want him to be mine so bad i know its supposed to be me making someone wait for me whatever thats just not my personality. i dont care anymore. hes okay with how i am. i think our personalities compliment eachother. the thought of not talking to him anymore basically broke my heart and that lets me know i really care. i mean amazing kissing amazing sex and even beforethat hes just amazing company. hes the most beautiful person iv e ever seen i swear and he likes me because he says im "fucking cool and sweet" not because of how i look. and i hope this works out. theres distance between us and new things coming up that will have us both busy and i just hope that we will continue to make time for eachother and continue to be close. tonight he was supposed to be over here by now but he forgot he had to take something apart for his mom i pray he will still come when hes done cause i wanna see him so bad. i know i should go to school i will next week ill catch up im not behind and ill have the weekend to do so. but like..idk i really like him i love his company and i love how he makes me feel i like everything about him and i want him to be mine and i want to be his and i can wait as long as i have to to be the # 1 girl in his life. the thing is idk if we have God's blessing. i want to believe we do cause if we dont i know we cant be together. and itll be for the best I want to stay on the path he has laid out for me but I just pray pray pray that he is in the cards for me because man oh man he has really just added to my life and id miss him terribly if we were to stop talking. i think he likes me a lot too because i really like..idk...threw him off with the fbo convo. and he still wanted to like...keep talking to me. somethings there. idk. its an unlikely convo but we really fit well together i never thought id mesh with a white boy but theres nothing missing. i can wait however long i have to but i hope he comes over tonight i have all my makeup on and i did something with my hair and got a new bra and im bout to do my lube lol like..man i miss him. and he misses me too i want to have passionate makeup sex. haha k.....i prayyy we have your blessing God. i really want to keep him! """""""""""HYJJJJJJGGGGG