YOU WIN MOTHERFUCKER YOU DEFINITELY ARE AN ASSHOLE

Like. I can't even cry. I hate him right now. I was so wrong. He's not a nice guy. He's not a good person. He truly is an asshole I shouldve listened to him. Everything he said in the past was bullshit. Blah blah. I wont type everything that ensued but this is what he ended up saying to me after i told him not to talk to me ever again "Wow I could write paragraph after paragraph about everything that you said but I wont be mean like you. Youre off. Youre psychic (im assuming he meant psycho), lol!!! You can get any guy? I can get ANY girl. Yeah youre great and super nice but there is a reason I dont want to be fbo or even friends! Why do you put up with that? This is insane. Youre the crazy one. I told you so many times it wasnt going to work and you were so persistent. Sorry. Delete my number. I knew what I was doing treating you bad. Cause you brought it to that. Delete my number. Bye"

k he might possibly be a bigger mistake than Anthony. And one of the biggest assholes Ive ever met. Its hard because I can't say a whole lot negative about him physical. He's fine as fuck to me. I love his body. Hes an amazing kisser and the sex was great. It didnt last that long and I never came and he didnt do anything to get me wet but it was still good. he's funny. In reality i probably wouldnt want him to get any bigger. fuck. i liked everything about that kid. and i threw away so much. spent like HUNDREDS of dollars im not even going to be able to pay rent or buy my own groceries because I spent so much on him at the damn grocery store. when I know better. buying this damn costume for him. gotta take that back. cleaned out my car and shit. anxiety every day. confidence is down again after anthony did so much to bring it up. i feel like shit because of this boy. I mean....he just made me feel so crappy. i was never good enough. im broke, insecure, and graduating in the summer instead of spring because i was so busy trying to keep this boy who didnt give a shit about keeping me. NO MORE DATING YOUNG EVER. i mean....so confusing. i still dont understand why he had me over there all weekend its like he talks to me like shit but he still wants me around? you dont like me. cant stand me. but you still make me stay when i try to leave and invite me back? but hes right. i shouldve gone with my gut. when he showed me those condoms. started getting like overly sexual. back friends with brooke but wouldnt be friends with me. i shouldve known when he didnt want to be fbo. and wouldnt add me back on fb. he treated me bad so i would leave him. since i wouldnt let him leave me. everything...was fake. and im really not sure why but i just....i dont want to be touched. i dont want to look at anyone else not even attractive guys idc ....i dont want anything to do with the male species right now. as i walked into my apartment today bracing myself for this even though this is not how i thought it would go down. there were a lot of red flags i ignored now that i look back. ever since garrisen i been p-utting up with a lot of crap from guys and im over it. i want someone who thinks im amazing and values ME. period. someone that adds to my life takes my anxiety away and makes things easier not harder. its sad that one person can undo all the good anthony did. but its okay. God will help me. when people do me wrong he always helps me prosper. theres no like...photoshoot, no show, no fun i could have pictures i could take there is nothing i can do to make him jealous or feel bad or regret this at all because he never actually cared about me. he felt no possession of me. never gave a shit at all. he must have serious issues to have faked it. and probably was just using me. so like...theres no consolation here. no matter how fine i get or how much i can succeed. he will never care. the only relief will come when i STOP caring. and i have to pray for the day and believe that it will come when i no longer think about him whatsoever. i have no feelings left at all for him. the sight of him brings forth no emotion good or bad. i know it can happen because it happened with langston. it even happened with bj though it still makes me mad to see him with her. but like...honestly i dont ever wanna see him again. ive never dealt with anything like this. except i think Sean. but Sean was really really a nice guy. Turns out regardless of race or age...guys are guys. i havent found the right one yet. i dont want to right now i gotta get over this one cause i still just am mentaly attached and am having trouble adjusting. and its going to be hard to find someone who co0mpares. but i hope to get over him as soon as humanly possible. and move on with my life. get my life BACK rather. i need to spend a LOT of time with myself. loving myself treating myself well talking positively to myself and only spending time around people who think highly of me and make me feel good. i gotta go into emotional recovery mode and try to bring myself back up. this time i am praying for the strength to accept. which is what i probably sho0uldve done the first time he did this. and not let him even go to my show. he really really did me wrong. i mean there is no excuse he can say what he wants about me and hes right i shouldnt have put up with it. my intentions were true his werent. there is no excuse all i can say for myself is i gave him the benefit of the doubt when i shouldnt. but i wasnt just...stupid. he was AMAZING at times. he forgets that too. he RANDOMLY started treating me like shit. im done trying to figure it out. Im done trying to defend him. All i want is to not think about him. I dont want to go out tomorrow night. Especially since I wont be high now. I dont want to do anything but sleep. But after tomorrow its actually a great GREAT time for this to take place. I only have one class and nothing is due til the 21st though I have to double check. So i have no appointments or classes to GO to except an eye appt on friday and then im off. no pressure for anything. all i have to do is go to work and go home. i can make it through work. i have awesome coworkers who are sweet and funny and make me feel good so that will be fine. i can get my finances back together. i will eventually graduate. and one day ill feel better about myself. idk why i keep doing younger guys after bad experience. he just seemed different. but theyre all so full of themselves that they are so unimpressed by things that are genuinely impressive. i just want someone to knock him down a notch because hes cocky as hell and shouldnt be. even if he has a lot going on physically. i wish his mom or his sister or chris someone close to him. that at least knows OF me. would make him feel stupid even for two seconds. i know it wont happen but it would make me feel better and be good for him for someone who cares about him enough to tell him about himself and say youre fucking stupid. ill support you but what you did was stupid. she was fine. and cool as hell bringing you groceries and shit. you wear that jersey every sunday. you use that wallet every day. we got a motherfuckin swiffer because of this bitch. thats a down ass bitch. and you blew it. cause there was nothing wrong with her and she thought there was nothing wrong with you? stupid motherfucker. that would make my day. but ive done this a gazillion times not once have any of them ever regretted it. aybe like 5 years later people from high school. but i never get that consolation. its fine. i know i can do better. someone with their own money and their own place that doesnt milk the shit out of everyone else so they can focus on something stupid as fuck like bodybuilding. theres a guy out there for me. definitely need to reach up in age. maybe someone dustyns age. but right now i need to get UNhurt and unbitter and just....feel better about ME. and be at peace again. but you know what the good thing is. im disgusted by him. i dont want him. i dont want to see him. i dont EXPECT him to come back or say anything i dont think we had anything special i think he lied about the whole thing the entire time not sure why but whatever. if he can have any girl dude go ahead. ill get me a guy with a life who is ready to settle down who wants to spoil me and give me a ring and babies. cause damnit if theres one thing i am amazing at its being somebodys motherfucking girlfriend. and i deserve the best guy on the planet. and i will wait if i have to cause i know God knows my heart and I believe he will give me my fairy tale simply because he is the One person in existence who rewards believers. and I have always believed. Thank you God. I feel okay. im so sick of people like that. honestly and people in this industry. they all act unimpressed. i just cant wait for the day when ...idk..people stop sleeping on me. but i guess first i have to stop sleeping on myself. ive never given 100% to anything BUT a boy. now im back at square one. feeling pretty shitty but you know what at least this time ia ccept it. and even though it hurts like hell it hurts LESS than last time and my anxiety is less than it was earlier today simply because finally i KNOW. i hoped and i prayed but God had to let me find out for sure and now i Know. its a damn shame and it really eeally hurts. but i did what he said. i deleted his number. and now im working on deleting him from my life. this time i was able to delete all the pics and even screenshots of old messages proving my theory that secretly he did have feelings for me (lol). last time i couldnt. havent cried yet though i know i will. this time im ready to let go. i mean to be honest there were things i could live without. like his constant criticism and definitely the asshole remarks. i might like to have sex for longer and someone who is more concerned with pleasing ME. someone who WANTS relationship with whom i dont have to walk on tippy toes who LIKES my over enthusiasm. and thinks everything about me is beautiful. i dont like his friends theyre all assholes. so im happy i dont have to hang out with them and feel weird and unimportant anymore. happy i dont have to drive so far and be in that huge nice apartment he doesnt fucking deserve just like every other damn thing he has. my anxiety should really disappear at this point cause theres no more unreliability. i can stop shaving. get rid of this yeast infection and not have to worry about moisturization lol stop taking my bc pills if i dont want to or not whatever but in general not have to worry about that. now i dont have to worry about impressing anyone who wont be impressed no matter what. wont be staring at my phone every five seconds. wont have to constantly pep talk him. wont have to pretend to give a shit about the texans or go to a stupid game. wont have to pretend to give a shit about bodybuilding. listen to his meat headness. all my free time is now my free time i can do with it what i please. no more going to sleep waiting for ANYTHING. no more waiting. no more waiting for good no waiting for bad no waiting for him to come or invite me over. no more shit about my apt or my car. no more wondering where he is or what hes been doing or who hes with or listening to him talk about his exes especially britt like she was so perfect no more comparing myself to them. i get to be myself 100% of the time and not worry if its going to be attractive to him or not. no more crazy driving or doing dumb shit like running from cops and sneaking in venues. no more ocd about food working out and listening to him talk about how hes an asshole and hes selfish. no more fucking taking my shoes off when i come in no more looking for parking. nobodys gunna look at my body but me. which is nice. get a good nights sleep every night. possibly wake up on time and have time to do stuff. wasting like NO gas. not getting judged all the time. it really has been a long time since he was good to me or made me happy i was holding onto the past. somethings wron with him not me im just an overly good romantic person and i can be naive but i wont be anymore. im going to work on me and get better and this is going to be the last time so0mething like this happens. from now on im off limits. i do think itll help to somewhat stay off social media obsessively for a while because that somehow increases the distance between us and me and him and anything that reminds me of him. i been single for a minute its nothing new. now theres just no forcing no pretending no being in a fucking relationship with myself and for once IM NOT LONELY. I DONT WANT ANYONE. i feel hurt but i feel free. thank you God. please help me be strong and move forward. tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life God please work everyday to erase my memory of him.

anxiety levels are high lately

not quite sure why, i thought id be happy if me and corey were okay but im moreso just NOT depressed. idk if hes why my anxie so high lately but it is. today i had this horrible feeling my stomach was in knots i thought something was up with him or the cats or work. everything is apparently fine. but yea im only going to be able to go on like this for idk maybe a little while longer like a month. if we havent made any progress by christmas and we're not talking about presents then im going to have to end it. idk im starting to feel like we are just friends with benefits. which is just not what i fucking want. he seems to b coming around.
heres an article helping disprove the whole he could be using me theory http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-when-a-Guy-Is-Using-You-for-Sex

hes just confusing and idk. im going to have to be patient i think the way i kind of took control and was very adament about this was like...idk its affecting how things are. i really have to just see how things turn out if i just dont talk about anything serious for a while and just focus on like being with him and creating fun memories. i mean cause what he needs is freedom and support I THINK. just....mostly freedom. and what i need is consistency. affection. he gives me the affection mostly when im with him but what i want more than anything is for him to be mine. to commit. to know for SURE. cause its up in the air right now im walking on tippy toes and i dont trust him cause i feel like at any minute he might just change his mind and i dont know the strength of his feelings for me anymore at all i dont feel like he needs me or would suffer at sll if i wasnt there. i want that to change im used to things just happening i always just fall into things. but hes very guarded and...idk maybe things take him time. idk. im trying to relax. i dont want to embarrass myself or feel how i felt before. he wants me to do butthole things with him and im gunna say no because were not officially in a relationship for all io know, were not friends on fb, were not fb official and he doesnt want to be so he cant just have all the privileges and me always telling him yes when so often he tells me no ya know. if he doesnt want to do something he just wont and as much as i want to make him happy hes not that concerned with making me happy and i dont want to do that. so yea. i want to talk to him about everything that bothers me i just have to be like...idk its like do i want to keep him yes. i like how we are for the most part. his friends are weird and not that nice. and right now..i dont feel that great about me which is reflecting on him so im working on it. i feel like he treated his other gfs better. sometimes i feel like he just doesnt see me that way. i feel kinda guy ish. but idk...maybe he does. at this point sometimes i feel like i took the easy way out by re contacting him. like i might not have dropped my class. but honestly like.. there was a reason. i was miserable. for a reason. i did get attached and im in a better place as far as that goes now. me and him. idk we got stuff to work through its like starting over like we dont really trust eachother. the things he says...idk he says stuff and the stuff he doesnt say...make me feel like... idk but then its like i cant just IGNORE the good. before its like i only saw the good now its like i only see the bad. this boy spent SO MUCH TIME WITH ME. and a lot of it was just hanging out. we spend a LOT of time just being in eachothers presence and yes we have a lot of sex but one of the signs on that article was if kisses always lead to sex. he kisses me a lot. and no it doesnt always lead to sex i get little pecks all the time everywhere. he just looks at me and kisses me. i mean i was over there wednesday then he had me over friday and invited me to come back saturday i mean ... idk. he coonfuses me and idk whats going on but maybe this is just how things are in the beginning and you work your way UP to knowing. in the past its been like oh three weeks i love you you love me lets be together forever. maybe hes one of the things that is worth waiting for idk. idk but im not just going to throw it all away. i havbe learned though to only argue in person. cause in person i win. so ill hold my tongue til i see him thursday. hes coming out with us halloween i gtg get him a shirt to be a lumberjack right now. i know its going to be fun. OMG SIMBA IS FINALLY PLAYING WITH THE OTHER CATS. anyway. yea, idk. we talk like best friends and argue like brother and sister. i wish things were more romantic between us but maybe they will be. we've both got our walls up right now. maybe with time theyll come down. i mean he has gone back to texting me a lot. he texted me goodmorning this morning. and just now texted me immediately after he got off usually he goes home and like gets situated etc. i mean things are getting better. the thing is we dont have to like get to know eachother's bad sides yet. cause for the most part weve seen em. ive never seen him mad really. and he hasnt seen me cry. so not ALL of it. but we have seen the unattractive sides of eachother. at this point we're just getting to know everything else. he does like to spend time with me which is THE most important thing to me. i guess i could just...let the other stuff go. for the time being. try to work my way in there a little deeper. ill give the facebook official thing til christmas because i mean that will have been...4 months. ive met his friends now almost all of them. hung out with his best friend a LOT. he brought me a long with the guys to go eat lunch. he always pays for everything. deep down he's a sweet heart and he does do the stuff that matters and i know he can be very sweet. just maybe if i dont pressure him. cause in the beginning i didnt pressure him at all. and he was just SO sweet. so. as hard as it is HELL lets see what happens. lets act like i dont care if we're friends on fb. ill post pics and just maybe not tag him. and only take pics at memorable events. act like i dont care if we're official. never bring up the facebook thing again and just HOPE that at some point he'll wake up and go man, i have the best girl in the world i want to do something for her. im going to plant seeds as to what i want for christmas though by lying lol and telling stories about ppl nthat dont exist haha all i want is a commitment and just like something romantic im not huge on presents. but yea. i can't picture him falling in love with me. as of right now im happy to say i dont love him. and i dont want to. i want us to fall in love WITH EACHOTHER. at the same time. i think we're in a similar boat right now. all i havent done is meet his family thats gunna be a huge step. at least since i know hes scared of commitment then i know if and when he does commit its going to be a big deal. and mean a LOT to me and him. i mean...idk. its hard to picture now. but i mean in the beginning i could never picture us being romantic. i just have to try to be better. not be possessive and demanding. just be...idk..unselfish and make him happy and maybe he'll return the favor. i think i am getting a little bit more collateral little by little. i think he can feel me NOT melting into him every time he's around. i'm not nearly as clingy. ill turn away from him and hell make me turn around. the other night i was laying on him and i cant remember which mean thing it was that he said but i wouldnt kiss him. and he was like give me a kiss! and i was like NO and he's like why and i told em cause he was an asshole but he kept trying and i wouldn't. and hes like fine im not touching you for the rest of the night so i said fine and turned over and it took like five seconds and he was like can you just like come lay on me or something. lol so i did and he was like give me a kiss and i was like just one and he was like ugh well if im limited lol and then of course he kissed me. and then it turned into several. lol still having the dryness issue. i think until i get rid of this yeast infection what im going to do is buy a yeast infection kit and just take the inserters and use those to shoot the moisturizer up there before i go and maybe like once while im there while hes not looking. or start now just to like keep it moisturized. i might get that tonight and start tonight. but yea, so....idk. things are progressing. let me just be positive. theres a voice in my head that says he doesnt appreciate you. hes trying to milk you. hes friends with brooke on fb and not you hes hiding something. he'll never see you as you see him. but something led me back to him. i never had a bad feeling about him. so im following my heart and how it felt at one point and hoping this is our second chance and itll be great. i want to be the love of his loife even more than britt. i want him to think of our relationship as the best hes ever had and feel like he couldnt live without me. i hope we can get to that point but we'll see. right now its just a lot a lot a lot of fun. and now that i only have one class the rest of this year we can get closer and the christmas break. so that when school starts next year we'll already have a foundation cause im going to be BUSY as hell! anyway saw pics of myself from a week ago. my body was looking good! my midsection was. and the day before the show i looked amazing. i want to get back there and go even furhter. i think iut woulod be safe to set the photoshoot for like mid november and train/eat for it. then do the sodium etc diuretics water stuff like i did for the show and it should be a good time ! i just want to improve even more. i want to be a sexy beast i want him to be so proud of my body like look at fitness models and others peoples bodies and be like man my girl looks so much better than that. but also just for me. I WANT TO GET RID OF MY STOMACH and be 100% confident in my body. but one highlight from today then i gtg. i did tell him like i wanna be a big swole sexy monster like you. i want you to be proud of me like i am of you. and he was like i am proud of you why wouldnt i be and what do you mean about looks and i told em im not just proud of him cause of how he looks i just generally think hes awesome and hes like yea youre hard working like me and always up for improvement and thank you youre pretty awesome yourself. :) so. that was sweet. i guess i just gotta relax. see the good and that theres nothing really to worry about. focus on things that are happening now and right now things are good. i gotta trust him that hes not doing anything behind my back and in the future ya know maybe hell initiate all the things because he knows they matter to me. IM PUMPED ABOUT HALLOWEEN THOUGH

Amazing Full Weekend Together

SO update on Wednesday: I couldnt have asked for a more perfect outcome. it went 100% my way. he actually ended up askin me to go over there THAT NIGHT so i did. first we watched movie with Chris for 3 hours. then we went in his room. i didnt stay i left at like 3 something. meh. but anyway so yea we did end up having sex. even though i was ratchet cuz i didnt shave ANYTHING lol i couldnt help it. but yea. so i asked him why he was freaking out. then i basically told him the only way i was going to leave him alone was if he could swear on his mothers life and chris life that he didnt want me. and of course he couldnt cause its not true. i told em i like him he likes me and we love spending time together. thats what realtionships are to me. i told him he has to learn to ceize the day cause were not given that many days you gotta cherish every one. and that hes going to WORRY about me whether were together or not so theres no point and hes justbeing stiff and uptight. and he agreed. he couldnt really argue with me after that. he didnt try. then he kissed me and we started kissing and there was a lot of teasing before we finally had sex. but when we did it was good. slower than it used to be. everything is more intimate now. but like yea, at one point it was just like my favorite part he was on top of me and we were kissing and in between kissses i said "dont leave me" and he just laughed and looked at me and then i was like ok? just let me have you and i was like ok and he just kept smiling and looking down and i was like what what r u thinking about me hes like nothing just..good.im feeling good. and he kept smiling and then we started kissing again, this was before sex. but yea it was a good time. when i left i told em that i was off saturday if he wanted to invite me over friday lol so like friday came around i didnt know if he would. we talked all day thursday. toward the end i stopped the convo and told em i was going to bed but that id love to come see him friday but i know i was just over there and if he wants to have guy time id understand. he didnt say anything and i went to sleep. then friday i said i wouldnt text em but i texted him an ass pic in the morning saying " #offseasonass" lmao and he said it looked good etc and that i could come over tn for sure so i went right after work. we watched key and peele which is hilarious and blah blah then went to his room. both friday andd saturday there was a lot of assholery,. but friday we smoked and went to the bed then it was like everything was amazing, at one point in passing after he said something crazy (rude probably) he did say "love youu" but i know it slipped and he was high. so i didnt even go there lol i know he doesnt mean it. but yea so the kissing was amazing the sex was amazing the only thing was freaking i had cotton mouth like a bitch and my vagina was dry as shit lol from being dehydrated and high lol so that was an issue but yea. then i woke up, left at like 1030 didnt feel amazing when i left. i had a weird feeling all day that i thought was because of him. ended up being because of dustyn we ended up not going out after all that hype i didnt even want to tell him cause i hate looking like i have no life etc. but he actually was like what r u doing at this moment and i told em nothing and he said was i off tmrw i told em yes then he said if my plans didnt work out i could come over but i politely declined cause i said i know you dont want to spend all that time with me but i was expecting him to like.,.ya know, insist a little bit. which apparently will never happen. but yea so like 930 rolls around i keep texting em hinting and i finally said i wanna come over i just dont wanna be annoying. but he didnt say anyhing and i knew it would end up being to late so i just left praying hed say something. but i was halfway there and eh hadnt said shit so i said youre taking too long im leaving and i called but he didnt answer and i just hoped hed be there and that hed check the text messages so i wouldnt have to just show up at the door. but he called me back when i was almost there. and i told em how close i was. then i went to the grocery store and spent effing $75 on him like a dumb ass., totally unecessary. but anyway he was grateful. and i folded his clothes this morning. but yea so we smoked. chilled. he showed me the condoms all over his room which pissed me off and ended up being a conversation. but i guess they were old. he says he hasnt been with anyone else since me so i really just have to trust him until hje gives me a reason not to. but it was a good night. i put moistrriaer so i wasnt so dry. same as always we watched tv, kissed, had sex, talked. wokeup somewhat late. had morning sex, got breakfast. took a long nap then when i woke up i was going to leave and he was like well what r u gunna do today and i was like..just going home..and he wa slike well we were gunna go to the shack if you wanted to come...i told em he has to learn to tell people what he wants instead of saying they can if they want to. hes not so good with words when it comes to me. i told em he doesnt say anything nice. he just..looks at me. i mean i can tell by his body language that he has feelings for me. always wants to be close to me and always wants me with em. i just wish he was nicer verbally. hes actually always picking on me which is annoying so im gunna have to figure out a way for him to stop. but yea, left at like 730 and he still like..idk didnt necessarily act like he wanted me to leave though i bet he did. i met a lot of his friends. well mostly chris friends who i like better than coreys friends theyre nicer. but they dont fawn over me like i was used to in the past. garrisens friends werent super nice either though. i havent just clicked super well with a guys friends for a minute., Simba is straight getting comfortable with his butt in my face right now. its so fluffy, hes noisy and adorable and super loving. so sad how they treated him. everyone is ok with him now except cheetara who still violently hates him. hes friggin precious., but anyway with me and corey. idk what im doing. just enjoying it i guess. the sooner i get back working out and working on my own shit again i think my confidence will go up and our relationship will improve. today he acted more like we were in a relationship he keeps asking me why i put up with him but today he was like then why r u with me. its like hes trying to push me away. im going to have to put my foot down or like ignore him when he says dumb shit cause it makes me feel..bad about the situation. but i mean, idk, im confused now myself about why i was so obsessed with this. i think some of the passion on my part faded cause it doesnt feel like it didnt but im happy cause i feel freer now like i have more perspective and can control myself. im just... losing faith as far as his feelings deepending ya know? how could that possibly happen. i just cant see it. not for me. we're getting closer but at this point im more on the same page as him when it comes to us. im not sure where its going to lead at all. its not a romantic fairytale. idk if he'll let it be. whatever the weirdness is its him. my walls are up now and i think thats kind of why but still like...idk we'll see. i truly dont understand why he acts the way he doesn with me. like..im a friend. i hate how hepicks on me constantly he makes me feel like im not a girl ya know. like he doesnt respect me. ill tell em. just i dont want to argue over texts anymore. i dont want to argue at all. pointless. i did tell him if he really wants me to go away messing with another girl would do it. i do think hes a little comfortable and a little overconfident. it devaLUES me in my opinion. once im in there a little bit more ill say something. he just doesnt make me feel good like he used to and its getting annoying. but i do like being with em and just being around him. he wont add me back on fb. still working on it. idk. we're recovering. neither of us, less so me, is fully comfortable or confident in this. hes not committed. so its hard for me to relax. idk. it doesnt feel....100% ya know. and i know he knows hes wrong for how hes acting. i want him to stop. like i dont want to leave him, but i dont want him thinking theres no reason i ever would. but when i left he was like "soo...next week...or weekend"? i think us spending time together is good cause we're getting to know each other. i asked em if he would care if i worked at a place like redneck heaven and he was like...yea i think id let you work there. I was like hmmmm LET. idk. there's a possibility through us spending more time together he could like me more and want me around more and start to get attached to me and care more about me. but i cant see it. idk the dynamic. im weird. but like..idk what i want is for us to be nice to each other at least the majority of the time i dont want someone that picks on me all the time that doesnt make me feel good. i know he's capable of being really sweet depending on how he feels about someone. idk i need to wake up a little bit too. my confidence is down and im feeling a little weird i think its showing. whether he realizes it or not, and it attracts negative treatment. so i gotta build myself up. which should be his job but hey i wanted this. i dont feel all lovey dovey like i used to. ive grown up and chilled out a little bit. i dont like em nearly as much as i did. which is good. now we're much more even. im just committed and he's not. but i dont wanna fee; like im not being myself. or being confident or that im trying to impress him. but i guess as time goes on...i dont trust him right now. he could bounce at any moment. i dont know how he feels about me so i dont want to tell him how i feel and right now i dont know as much. it doesnt feel as strong. his arrogance etc is pushing me away. we'll see. im not obsessed. but it was a good weekend i had fun and wasnt bored. the thing that sucks now is this test in the morning and im so tired i want to go to sleep but i HAVE to wakeup early to study. and i did not cook today like i was supposed to. tomorrow can be prep day. i was living this weekend. but yea. learned a little bit about each other. had fun. not quite as sure how i feel. now sure where this is going. but for now...it appears to have SOME potential. kinda feels like friends with benefits : / we'll see. it is progress though that he WANTED to spend this much time with me. and like kept wanting to be close to me. showed a liiiitle bit every now and then that he cared. when hes high idk if its just him being high or if the truth comes out but he is definitely like more affectionate. brutally honest but definitely affectionate. the sex was like much much slower unless we do it from behind its a lot slower and more passionate. the fact that he brought up when i was coming back....progress might be being made. and he did text me on my way home when he was making the cookies i bought them. thanked me for getting them and folding his clothes and for being so nice to him lol idk man. idk what im doing. thought i did, but now i dont. lets just hope that i was right cause at one point i really believed in this. and him.

but if he doesnt feel the same about me..

should i just let it go? I think its the potential that gets me. i mean..he was almost there and in time with a spark like what we have it he would let it it could develop. and he could get attached too. hes so worth it. he just is. he told me i was wife material. i just cant forget that. he likes everything about me he said it. ugh if i could break down this barrier id be the happiest girl in the freaking world somebodys gotta do it.

its been almost a full week...still nowhere near being okay

I keep backtracking. its like i cannot let this go. I remember when BJ did this to me in HS but i think he had a reason. and he loved me. so there's a difference of course he came back. he had to see me all the time and we had tons of mutual friends to remind him. him and Tyree both would come back to me after time. keyword time. idk why i cant just let this go and give it time man something keeps pulling me right back into this trap. i don't have to see him hear from him. we don't have any mutual friends this is all completely in my head. i could try to find a distraction like i usually would but i don't want to its just going to make me miss him more the thought of someone else is disgusting to me right now. i got another cat from someone. i think it has fleas and was poorly taken care of .idk. it didn't help. i wanted a kitten ., he doesn't like my other cats. and i just feel like i'm biting off more than i can chew so im going to take him to the shelter Friday morning. hes not even neutered so i might as well wait and pay for a cat that is. but anyway, yea so today i woke up basically crying again. decided to start taking clen again ill probably stop cause i don t even have the motivation to workout right now so why bother. i'm just going to try to eat healthy but otherwise take all the pressure off myself for other stuff so i can focus on healing. inside it feels like my world is falling down and i have no control. its been so long since i've been dumped especially by someone i really really liked. i'm trying to not use the l word because maybe if i don't talk about it i wont feel it. i KNOW i need to focus on me. my fucking heart wont let my mind leave me alone i just keep thinking about him. maybe if i dont think of it as forever. maybe if i dont think of it as a breakup but more of a break. i said id give it two weeks and if he didnt text me id text him. but i been texting him a lot lately. i sent him three texts defaming his character then when he sent me three pages back i didnt read it, told him i wasnt gunna read it. and that we shouldn t talk cause were bad for eachother. and then i took it back the next day cause i felt bad and didnt want him to feel bad. i mean..i dont want him to be miserable unless it leads him back to me. i just dont want to be msierable either but i know the more i text him the longer its going to take him to come back if he ever does. i havent really given him any space. and after the stuff i said hes probably mad at me. idk why i keep checking this phone i know im not going to see that little circle with the line though i keep praying one day i will. i told him today that im struggling because we never talk or speak and i miss him and its not fair that hes okay and im no0t. at this point im hurting so bad its hard for me to censor myself. ir eally never thought it would get to this point. i told em i wish we could sit down and talk like we used to. and i asked him if he misses me at all i mean its been like a week and a half he has had some space :( and i told em i was off today. its crazy how something so simple like him asking me to come over so we could talk would is so impossible. but it might as well be me winning the lottery, him never seeing me is his leverage. if we lived closer this wouldnt be happening. he cant be around me and act like he doesnt have feelings for me. but i know he wont let that happen. he doesnt want to see me or talk to me hes probably still mad at me. yea i think ill save the clen for my next comp or cutting or something cause this is random and i hate how it feels in the beginning. anyway i said i was going to let go. accept and move on, stop fighting but I CANT. I CANT MENTALLY LET THIS GO. i need fucking help. im sick of hurting SO MUCH every fucking day i dont want to see his face every time i close my eyes. i dont want too dream about him and miss him and continue to worship the ground he walks on. i miss him SO much i miss his face so much. i miss laying with him and hugging him and just cuddling he was so big and warm with his big old hands. most of all. absolutely most of all i miss how close we would be just talking an inch from eachothers faces and laughing and smiling and he would grab my face and kiss me and in between kisses he would look at me and smile i miss that so much i think whats killing me is the idea of just...never having that again. but time heals all pain and even anger. so maybe...its a long shot but its better than nothing and obviously i cant just accept that things or over. maybe i can at least get myself to leave him alone by just thinking of it as a break. feelings like that cant just go away over night. and they WERE THERE just at my show i saw that they were still there and he admitted that he could see things getting more serious. there's always hope. so if i just...spend my time working on myself doing other things and trying to better myself. get fine and do well in school and get the challenge together basically get my ish together.like i did before i met him. i was doing much better then. i felt good about myself. now my confidence is a little low. and i just am not in that great of a mental place. i cant revolve my whole life around him. thats too much pressure...its hard cause he was so good he was everything i ever needed he made me trust him God i pray i havent lost that forever, im probably stupid and as time goes on I'll probably give up. ok so he answered me. i think i might actually get my conversation. wow ive gotten so used to reading what he says. we need to talk in person and just get this ALL out i dont care how long it takes if it ends up being a huge argument whatever until we get it WORKED OUT. basically he said he feels like he did the right thing because he doesnt want to worry about someone else and he doesnt want to feel like he is the reason someone is unhappy but he set himself up with me and he doesnt necessarily know what hes doing but hes doing the best he can. ugh if we can just get past this. i want to be the one thats there when hes ready to commit. i dont have anything else to do! i can work on being less dependent i can work on being less needy those are things that probably need to be worked on anyway. but i feel like we belong together rather than not or we could just see where things go and not put a label on it. i hope he initiates a convo. after his first text where he said all that he said he does owe it to me to talk to me. so im hoping i can get my face to face convo i think that would REALLY help. ugh idk why i went grocery shopping i really just wanna keep eating crap :( LOL anyway........im just...better with him than without. i want to work through this. idk. we'll see. he hasnt said anything back yet but i told em i was tired of texting and id wait til he was ready to talk to me in person.

he did NOT cheat, but it IS over, and he IS an asshole

the sooner I let this go the better off I;ll be. idk why no matter what he says or does i still want him back. oh because i LOVE THIS FOOL. damnit. with all his issues with all his assholery i still love him and above all i just want to be with him. last night after i saw the pic i sent him like 4 pages of meanness of how he was scum etc. and then he just said "youre wrong, but okay bye" and i was like REALLY,. i thought he was going to be feeling horrible cause he got caught or some shit whatever. then he sent me a long message this morning at like..9:30 i could tell he was thinking about it all night saying the picture was old and i was out of line for all the things i said and that he wouldnt go back with her blah blah, he knows something is wrong with him he doesnt like perfection he likes a struggle and he knows i am probably just what he needs but hes going to do this all alone and leave everyone in the dust and when hes at the top hell see whos still there and maybe then hell find someone? but he definitely doesnt need someone saying the shit i said blah blah and like..just bs. he doesnt text people when he doesnt want to he doesnt drive when he doesnt want to and he doesnt want things he sees as a distraction? he was just....it was the most assholish statement he has made period. so i went off. i told em he needs to change his mindset and that i dont want anything to do with him i dont take it back because i meant every word and i hope it hits home until something inside him changes cause hes young and doesnt have to be so stuck in his ways. whatever i got everything off my chest and then when he sent me a three page response i didnt read it (hes already blocked) and in told him i wasnt going to read it and that we just dont need to talk cause we're clearly bad for eachother and only cause eachother discomfort and drama and were lucky we dont ever HAVE to see eachother or talk which neither of us wants. "so yea, bye Corey" and that was it. he didnt respond. ive showed several people and im pretty sure i ruined his day. which..like what do i get for thaT? besides the fact that he finally gets to feel bad. and I prayed for God to save his soul just in case theres still hope. but in general, i think he probably just hates me and theres probably nothing in this world that could ever make him want me back at this point. nobody wants to be talked to loike that. hes not about to be like "youre right'. and im never reading that message...not til like months from now because i know hes just going to make me feel worse and i dont want to feel bad anymore ive felt bad for a long time i am wanting to move on. the only problem is i still love him and i still want him back. but at least now he doesnt think that. idk what he thinks of me now im sure its horrible. but whatever. i had nothing to lose anyway he didnt want me he was walking around feeling great while im over here crying every single day i just want him to feel remorse. at first i could see him hitting me up in a week or so simply because he thinks hes such a good person and probably doesnt want there to be anyone who thinks hes just an asshole... and like idk maybe apologizing. wanting me to forgive him and tell him i dont think hes a bad person but im not giving him the satiosfaction hes just going to have to live with the fact that popular and beloved as he may be there is one person who thinks he is the scum of the earth. but at this point...we'll never speak again. im not apologizing and i know hes not going to. i just want him to like....text me and be like i think we need to talk. and i will fight him on it make him beg. and then when i finally agree ill go over there and still wont say it. still wont tell him what he wants to hear. i would loooooooove for by some miracle the tables to turn and then OH ILL GIVE YOU A STRUGGLE. but he doesnt love me. he already didnt like me anymore now he dislikes me. we;re done. i want him to feel stupid but he probably wont though i am still going to try to make him jealous every chance i get. idk.....i wish my stupid heart would give up. i could feel bad for ruining things but no. maybe THIS was the transfer of emotions cause i know hes feeling something now even if its anger. i just havent fully accepted that its over. but i am so mad at him for ruining my dream. and i know...ive seen...how AMAZING he can be it just breaks my heart that someone else is going to get that one day i prayed i said God could it be me? im never freaking that girl. i would use all my wishes to be that girl. his weakness. the one he lets in. the one that changes him. i love him so much. and i just have to hide it asnd let him go. it really feels like absolute shit. but today was a good day. hopefully tomorrow will be better and though im hoping that if i give it a week things will blow over and maybe hell not hate me and actually miss me and maybe talk to me...as time goes on if we dont talk ill slowly start to give up hope and move on. its going to be hard though. really hard. i wish wish wish that he would just stop to think for two seconds and want to fix it. that magically my words would get through to him. i want him to be mine so bad.

I WAS RIGHT. IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE.

get on fb to look at her page .....because ive had a feeling for a while it was because of her ever since i found out her and chad STILL werent together and he started acting weird. so i go to her page and i see a pic of her, chris, and him..on september 29th...the day he said he couldnt come over because he was sick because of hooters. and he came over the next day. didnt see him again for 2 weeks. so the absolute worse case scenario happened. all this time i was wanting him back. feeling like shit about MY self wondering what i couldve done. defending him. ... and he cheated on me. no wonder all his friends acted so weird. chris was all smiling and shit looking happy as hell. man. i knew it. honestly i really just didnt even want to go there. i mean..all this time...hes probably been hanging out with her all this time. ..... i pray thi9s is it. i dont want anjymore. ill never initiate anything ever the fuck again. i wont. not anything. i would rather be by myself that is fine because honestly ive finally had enolugh. this is like the 4th time this year my heart has been handed back to me fucked up...like its never good enough NEWSFLASH MOTHERFUCKERS I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL PURE HEART WORTH THE HEART OF A THOUSAND OF THESE HOES YOURE ALL GOING TO HELL. disgusting. i cant wash this nastiness off i feel...SO STUPID. and i just....God im sorry I was stupid I wont be anymore. I gotta lock this up tight honeslty. i can talk to you about it cry every spare second that I have but I can tell people about it. I cant talk about it. fuck. honestly i dont know what to do. i really dont. i thought things were going to get better soon but theyve only gotten worse. this IS chester. its always the damn ex they broke up SO long ago. everything he did this weekend was out of guilt. and the way he looks at me its because he KNOWS he is a dumbass. cause i am 50x better than her in every way and i was so motherfucking good to thid boy. there is nothing in this world that make this better. i just...i need a break. no more heart break this is all ic an take. im not doing that show. im not. i cant i dont want to i just need to heal myself right now. thats his life not mine. God please...please be here for me i am broken into a thousand pieces and youve healed me from pain like this before. if theres ANYTHING you can do. and please for heavens sake......SHUT UP THAT STUPID STUPID LOW SELF ESTEEM VOICE IN MY HEART THAT IS STILL THINKIN MAYBE HELL FEEL BAD AND COME BACK NOW AND TRY TO FIX IT BECAUSE I NEED TO GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS MOFO AS POSSIBLE. I SAID THERE WAS NOTHING I COULDNT FORGIVE HIM FOR BUT THIS IS IT. this is the thing. i wont. everything about him disgusts me now. he should be begging on his knees for my forgiveness but hes probably fucking that dirty bitch right now. oh God. the thought. my heart. please help me. nothing can help me I need a miracle it hurts SO much.

we peaked

Now that I read back...i mean...things did get better after i told em how i felt. but i mean...he was ALWAYS holding back. and just...didnt always treat me that great. he made me feel pretty shitty most the time actually. we peaked around the 23-25th of september and since then and before that...its always been me. i shouldnt have LET myself fall for him given how he acted ....and he warned me. i mean its like when we're together when he looks at me when he kisses me i feel it but it couldve just been me....thats what hurts the most. kno0wing that this whole time he just led me on it was really only me and i truly did believe with all my heart that he was just holding back....hiding how he felt...but in truth ...he wasn't the feelings werent ever there. idk why he said he could see things getting more serious. he was telling the truth when he said he knew i liked him more than he liked me. the whole situation just hurts i kinda wish it never happened cause to have a taste of something that amazing and then just be expected to let it go and go on with life....yea, this blows. why is it always this way.. if he felt how i felt wed be so happy. these mofos just dont want me. i just want to be with him all the time and kiss him everyday and when we cant be together i want to be texting and i want it to be affectionate....if he did come back...which he wouldnt. if he did it would be for a bad reason and HE would regret it cause hed be reminded that he just doesnt feel anything for me... and he would still have his priorities out of wack id NEVER be first whed NEVER spend enough time with me or talk to me as much as i wanted. I AM NOT THAT GIRL for him. and it KILLS me. i mean my chest is full of SHREDS right now because my heart is in a thousand fucking pieces and there is nothing in the whole wide world that can mend it but time. and it just motherfucking sucks.

"transfer of emotion"...whatever. progress= giving up

It's a concept from Two Can Play That Game. I guess the idea is..when someone dumps you..theyre chillin because theyre the one that did the dumping. but if you can lure them in, by seeming to have nice intentions, you can start an argument and "transfer your emotion" to them so they're the ones that feel like shit instead of you. i will say, the only reason in the world i would ever want Corey to feel like shit is because 1)I feel like I deserve an apology but what I really want more than anything is for him to regret what he's done. That would give me peace at least. between the last couple days I have come to the conclusion that I actually lo9ve this fool which is HORRIBLE because i actually had myself fooled by this weekend thinking that he loved me! which is crazy. impossible. people who dont like you may not act how he did, but people who love you dont act how hes acting. i wanted to believe that he was scared that he was running away but..talking to him last night...his feelings are gone. hes not hiding anything. he doesnt want me. i mean...i may have transferred a little bit. i probably did make him feel like shit...but i dont know if he ever cared enough for one conversation to make him re-want to be with me. i mean...little by little im starting to not want him back. because im realizing i wasnt happy with him. in the past, before october, i was. but i cant defend him anymore. he created the distance. purposely. he screwed me BAD. the week before peak week when i needed him most and peak week was just horrible. and the truth is he was happier then. what sucks is that by the time thursday came around i believed that he didnt want me anymore. enough time had gone by that i was losing hope and giving up on him. then this mofo wants to come on the weekend WHEN I TOLD HIM HE DIDNT HAVE TO. thats what threw me off. last weekend. so at this point i know that if we lived closer things wouldnt be like this, i mean...from the list of ways to see if he loves you...he did SO MANY just this weekend! So i was way confused and still am because you absolutely do not act like that toward someone you dont want to be with. i didnt even hug him when he came to the door. he initiated everything. and everything was super romantic all the kisses all the hand holding kisses during sex even the sex felt better. i have to forget about this weekend if i want to get over him. the truth is i am okay. i can get back to a routine and find things to do. i just...idk. im starting to accept it. its just hard because things were great then they got bad and then right when i was giving up he swoops in and reignites the flame then puts it out again. he clearly doesnt know what he wants. as time goes on hes going to forget the bad things and im going to forget the good things that i been holding onto cause they were so old. i mean..everything is his fault. all of it. i meant to not contact him at all....but it was a full moon and it was saturday night and im so used to spending saturday nights with him. and i thought maybe hed invite me over :( fuck., but the way he talked to me..so politically correct...even said he wanted to be my friend. im beginning to think theres someone else. idk. but today im one step closer to losing hope. i gotta let this weekend go cause as much as it felt real and was amazing and i was happy and thought he was too....idk. my theory is it took him out of his routine and gave him anxiety but damn theres only one molre and thatll be the last for like 6 months. and he suggested it and wanted to drive me! im SO CONFUSED. i just wanted to be right this one time. for him to come forward and confirm that he felt the same but you know what i can feel it now....he doesnt miss me. hes chillin. this was just a fling for him. and a mistake for me. i have nothing to show for it. my motivation is a little better now that he pissed me off. but i mean last night was good because it brought me back to reality. it wasnt as serious for him he didnt value me and hes no0t losing sleep. last night made me mad too cause i dreampt of him. torture. i didnt cry today though and i had a good day at work thogh this is like my 3rd day in a row eating bad. probably fourth. ever since he broke up with me again. whatever that was this weekend definitely shouldnt have happened and he was wrong. but i dont believe that he wants to be with me. it hurts like hell but its out of my control. theres nothing i can do but go on with life and appear to be okay. and in a few weeks i will be, but id be doing myself a big favor if i accepted this and stopped giving him the benefit of the doubt. my doubts have always been right andd he has shown very little benefit. im mad at him and i just...i do love him thats why i know this is going to take a while but everyday gets better. tomorrow will be better and by the end of this week ill be happy again. i cant wait til i forget all about him. which will be easier since we wont see eachother and i know hes not gunna talk to me. he didnt respond to my going off last night im actually still proud o0f what i said because i spoke my mind and i spoke the truth and i told him i didnt need him as a friend that i have lots of friends and support and i just hope i made him feel like the scum of the earth and that he regrets it. but theres really i mean...i been reading these lists on how to get your bf back. according to the lists i shouldnt have texted him last night cause he expected me to but fuck it. i mean i could do what it says..dont talk to him..dont talk ABOUT him, though its so hard...cause every freaking thing reminds me of him. and i mean....i know he doesnt feel the same. he probably thought about me today if he wore his jersey that I GOT HIM. and his wallet will still be with him everyday. idk he just never valued us the way i did so these lists probably wont help me because the REASON we broke up is stupid and its not gunna change in three weeks. i mean ill do what i can, ill post pics everyday like im having the time of my life i'll do my photoshoot and workout and try to look my best, ill train for my show and post my progress....you know, dont talk to him or look sad ever or like i care and appear to be having the time of my life cause i know he still scrolls down his feed and will see my stuff. i always check to see if he'll like it like he used to. but...he never does. ever since i re added him on fb he hasnt liked anything hes just over me...and i need to do the same. :( its like a different person. what happened. one minute he was telling his mom about me and calling me babe. the next minute... hes just gone. and its like nothing ever happened. but i can adjust. ive done this a gazillion times but this is the first time there were no red flags to ignore....ive never gotten that close to anyone and had this happen,. i mean like i9ve said in previous entries...if this is what it takes for him to like truly value me...and he actually does come back and i actually get his heart it would be worth every tear shed. but i have a feeling this is going to be just another L. and it really is sad. because its unecessary. b ut hey, you cant helpp what you feel or dont feel. i have to let him go for good.

So its finally over

Because Im not fighting it. ill paraphrase what he said. oh by the way...IN A TEXT...IN THE MIDDLE OF MY WORKOUT...WITH A FRIEND.. basically he starts out by saying that he cant say this without hurting me and hes tried. but the last couple times hes tried to do this have failed because he has worded it wrong by saying that he couldnt make me happy but the truth is he isnt making himself happy because he is sacrificing himself so as not to hurt me? [really now?] anyway yea and that i didnt do anything wrong hes just "not wanting to go further with this" and he cant beat around the bush he has to be straight forward because then ill try to fix it and i cant. hes sorry he thinks the world of me but hes not where he wants to be yet and hes not content with himself and no matter what i say i cant make it better like i think i can. and he cant keep prolonging this because he can see it getting more serious and being a whole lot worse than it will be now. hes all "there's no one else i want you to know that" [ok cool because i have been actively entertaining the thought that he has been talking to brooke] and he cant ask me to understand because he doesnt know how or what hes feeling. he just knows its not right because im too awesome of a person to let him fuck me over like this,. "i need my space to focus on me and what i need to do" and he wants to support me etc but he knows its going to bring me closer to him and its been killing him to see me happy knowing hes going to have to destroy it at some time? he hopes i can forgive him but hes not trying to be selfish this time hes been selfish by hiding his feeling and hes sorry. and my response was " its fine. if its what you want i wont fight you on it. good luck with everything i hope all your dreams come true aand i know they will". im really good at being sweet about breakups. lol anyway so orf course he didn't respond. what would he say? we cant be friends. i dont want to be his friend. i feel like ...fuck this is stupid as shit. idk if he likes me or not cause his texts had so many holes but it really appears as if he just doesn't want me to he was pretending HARD this weekend. HARD. i mean. dub tee eff. why did you come i told you you didn't have to dumb ass. why. you fucking met my aunt. my pride and joy. my family. spent the weekend with me and my best friend then introduced me to your best friend and hung with me all day sunday. i mean...are you,...that nice of a person that you would go out of your way like that to make ME happy? drive over in the middle of the night. sleep with me. pull my face into a kiss when ive been stand offish all night and then have sex with me. take pics with me. walk around with me all day holding my hand arm around me kissing me. for like 15 HOURS. then sleep with me again buy me a pizza let me smoke your weed wakeup with me have sex with me twice eat breakfast with me. part ways then when i come to get my card and act like i wanna leave make me stay, pull me on your lap cuddling me in front of your friends. just.... ALL THAT for ME? and i mean im happy? we never talk we never hang out what are you sacrificing? this WHOLE situation is in his head. the whole thing. i do think me going off on him randomly changed things cause thats the only thing i can see being different like when he started to act different. things had peaked around the 25th he was wanting to spend MORE time with me. i mean. idk dude i told em if youre coming this weeken d you can come and leave it wont hurt my feelings and he wanted to come. if you ask me, idc what he says. if i were to listen to my heart which IM NOT CAUSE ITS TOO DANGEROUS AT THIS POINT ITS ALWAYS FUCKING WRONG he has feelings for me. strong ones. that hes fighting like hell. when hes around he i can fucking feel the shit. he didnt kiss me because it made him happy he did it because he wanted to. he held my hand cause he wanted to and hung out with me the whole time because he wanted to be with me he wants me around. i dont buy it. theres too many holes and i know what i saw and what i felt. i been the girl with the guy who doesnt like her as much as she likes him. SO MANY TIMES. this was not that. none of them ever went out of their way for me. not like him. i mean the way he kissed me the way it felt when we had sex it felt like he was falling. i mean there is sometimes like this...sadness in his eyes. but he also has this dreamy look. like....feelings like that dont just fade i was reading the text he told me he liked me more every time he saw me said i was wife material told me to be patient he planned on keeping me around,. thats why he said hed drive me to this next show. all the things we could do. i mean..he was down. IN MY OPINION its because for two seconds he actually listened to his heart. he thinks he has to choose and he doesnt idk why he cant see that you can have both. but im done pep talking him these things are common sense. i feel like he has very strong feelings for me but he feels like im a distraction and he needs to focus all his attention on obsessing over bodybuilding. do it then ya know. i mean in my mind..id be okay with just him. he can be the bodybuilder he can have all the goals i just want us. hes like trapped and unhappy i feel like i could set him free but this is probably just me daydreaming, in my mind i dont see him being happy with this decision. i mean....he thinks he is being smart but i dont think he can be pleased. i been there i did it with him when i broke up with him i got so used to him wanting to make it work i didnt realize how horrible it was going to be not talking to him at all and not being able to. it hurt really bad. so as much as i fear that he will be happy and feel so free i dont feel thats the case. cause im not going to say anything to him whatsoever and the longest weve gone without back and forth conversation is two0 days. never ever has neither one of us said anythying to the other. hes ignored me plenty of times and avoided me trying to make his decisions. like IM the plague IM the problem. like hed be so much better without me. but i send him text after text. i resist, i send him paragraphs good and bad just begging him,. pep talking him. this time nothing. twenty words. they were nice but there was no hope in them no if you decide to come back ill be here. no this isnt what i want BUT. no I WISH no nothing. i didnt resist what so ever. tld em what he wanted to hear and let it go. theres two options. well three. option A is that he read it and was relieved to see that i was just going along with it and now feels free to focus and all his problems are solved. i do not hear from him again, if he remembers only because of all my posts, he'll maybe say good luck right before the show. MAYBE. otherwise, we never speak. until sometime next year at a show or something. option B is that he feels relieved at first. feeling like he did the right thing and now he can focus. then he tries to focus and its not so easy. he ends up surprised at himself that he misses me after some days go by and we havent spoken at all he feels like he wants to talk to me. then something might happen from there. or he could want to talk to me but just fight it. and ill never know. option C is that he expectd long paragraphs and kinda felt relieved when he saw my short response and then also felt kind of stupid because im so sweet. then as days go on he cant focus, misses me like crazy, and while im over here thinking we're done and will never speak hes trying to figure out a way to get me back. option C being the least likely, i dont have a lot of faith in option A either, i can see option B in the version that he ends up regrettting it. but we never know if he;ll tell me or not. honeslty. i dont know. in my dreams clearly its option c. just to make myself feel better briefly ill entertain the thought that option C is a possibility and ill elaborate. IN MY VERSION OF THIS CLASSIC FAIRYTALE. he sees what i responded, is scared to read it, finally does and is very surprised. but still like..okay that was easy. now 9im finally free of this thing that has been causing me issues. ive got my awesome new bachelor pad, living with the bestie, work is going well, getting in my workouts, getting in my meals, feeling bigger. everythings going to be great now. day 2, checks his phone in the morning, nothing. everytime it buzzes that day he finds himself wondering if it might be me. never is. gets slightly disheartened but is still fine. great workout. bored at work. sees something funny, wants to tell me about it, cant. booooored who can i talk to? oop can talk to michelle. day goes by SLOW AND HORRIBLE. which it usually does but he thought hed be fine cause we havent been texting that much but NOT AT ALL and cant even if i want to..different story. feels kinda shitty but hey im fine ill go home and smoke. big nice apartment. watching tv feeling good off for the weekend i can do whatever i want. feeling good. go to sleep around 1 have heard ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from her. for the first time since we started talking. hmmmm. anyway go to sleep. wakeuop when i want get a good workout in, still nothing. scroll up and down facebook no updates since yday nothing interesting. weekend, see some people, do some stuff. cant help but wonder what shes doing. think ill text her and find out. what you doing. no response. end of day absolutely no response. fuck. shes pissed. what do i do. leave her alone. say im sorry. no just leave her alone. weekend passes, still wondering what shes doing. shes probabloy at work i know she has her phone hope shes okay. are you okay. updates facebook status. shes fine just doesnt want to talk to me at all. i wouldnt either. im a dumbass. anyway weekend passes. which is weird cause its officially been a full week since weve seen eachother. last weekend i was with her the whole time. memories. i miss her. oh well moving forward. maybe ill text her. i miss you. nothing. man i fucked up. this is bad. monday comes around. in a bad mood. havent seen her in a week this is my own fault. not really having awesome workouts cause idk what shes doing and she wont talk to me. all of a sudden all of this doesnt seem SO important. i mean being with her was more fun. just focus. this is your life. bored at work. still in bad mood. friends are starting to notice. i talk abo0ut her. friends say if i want her i better talk to her cause if shes that mad she might just cut me off. and theyre sick of seeing me mope. a day or so goes by. what do i say i cant function. we were on this couch together. she wore my hat. the texasns are playing this girl bought me a fuckiing jersey. i want to go to a game. but no0t without her. i bet sandras at the game. man shes three weeks out i wonder how her prep is going. awesome i broke up with her like four weeks out. nice going BROOKE. man i really am an asshole no wonder she wont talk to me. i wonder what shes doing. i want to talk to her. what do i say. all she wanted was for me to be happy. all she ever was was sweet to me and perfect what the fuck did i do. every girl looks ugly now. i dont even want to go to the gym or eat it all seems so stupid this is what i just threw her away for. whats the point now. she might be with someone else. fuck. okay let me try to word this. Michelle I am so sorry. I really don't even know what to say so I'm just going to be honest and tell you how I feel. it took days to write this. I know you don't want to talk to me and I understand that if I was you I wouldnt talk to me either. I don't know why you put up with me for as long as you did. Probably cause you're just a badass and sweet like that and I'm just an asshole. I really never meant to hurt you that was the last thing I wanted. I thought I was doing the right thing. i wanted to protect you and I just knew eventuallythings wouldnt work out and I thought it would be better to just end it now. but i was being stupid. i do miss you. i think about you all the time. i worry about you and what and how youre doing.i cant even focus on my workouts i cant even sleep. even chris noticed and he's getting sick of me. i guess i just have to live with my mistake because i know you wont want to talk to me. you did everything to try to make things better and i tore them apart and for that i truly am sorry michelle. the truth is you did make me happy. i thought you were a distraction but you werent. i was lucky to have you,. you made everything better. now i feel like shit for letting you go. everything you said was true we were good together and you did do a lot for me. the only thing you were ever wrong about was saying i deserve you because i dont. and i know that. i always did. i just want to be with you i miss you like crazy i think it took you actually saying okay and letting me be myself and :focused" to realize that wasnt what i wanted. you werent the problem i was and im not getting better without you. i do want this to be our life i do want you to be my girlfriend ill even chnge my facebook status i was stupid about that in the past. but you did everything in your power to be there for me and make me happy and i want to do the same for you if youll let me. i know you probably dont want me back now, but if theres any chance you do im so sorry and i take back everything i said. i was terribly wrong. and i would hit my knees and cry. cause i mean...hes worth more to me than any trophey in this world i dont want to do shit without him and if hed let himself feel what he feels...wed be so happy. but hes never said anything like that. hes tried over and over to do this and its never happened. it may be new and different but this bodybuilding shit really is important to him. i will be terribly surprised if i dont hear from him by the end of the weekend and by the end of next week ill have to just accept it really is over but i should be okay by then. tomorrow will be the first day ofus not talking at all. if this is what he wants he should be happy cause hes never had that before since we got close. but i will get completely out of his hair. i do think hes being stupid. and i think if he would stop being a puss and give in hed be in love with me by christmas but hey, shit in life doesnt work out sometimes no matter how bad you want it to. if someone doesnt want you, thats it. and if he really doesnt then he will feel better after this. and it could be option a. that as im thinking hes getting closer and closer to caving hes actually adjusting more and more to not having me to worry about an d starting to forget day by day. the only reminder he has is texts and that jersey. its not enough. he's got his nice place and he does love bodybuilding maybe hes just not that deep and will be satisfied. maybe he doesnt want company on his journey. and we;ll just be done.. thats the sad part. that he wont miss me. i mean i dont have it working in my favor all i have is last weekend at the show for him to remember because before that we'd been barely speaking for two weeks. hes probably getting used to being without me. and this might be his liberation, its sad. very sad, but theres nothing i can do honestly. i can think all i want in my head that the lights wont shine the same way that they used to and his apt will seem lonely and he'll be reminded of me at every turn and checking his phone every five seconds. but he probably will just be happy that hes free. and ill never know. i wont get my closure. unless he says, michelle i want to see you there is 99.9% CHANCE that i will not see him for like six months. so....i just gotta try to adjust. i mean. hes amazing. im not imagining it. and im not stupid for wanting to keep him. and i wasnt stupid isaw what isaw but people change their minds. in my heart i feel like hes scared of a good thing and is sabotaging right now and maybe if i give him space hell come back but i feel like hes had so much space and still doesnt feel like its enough. i mean...if he felt how i thought he did or how i feel like he does ... he wouldnt be doing this., he wouldnt make it through the night. by the end of the weekend i should hear from him. if i dont maybe it hasnt been enough time, just by the fact of how he acted this weekend i still have hope. stupid girl. i hope its killing hime right now but its probably not.this will have been 100% worth it if it makes him realize what he had. but if it doesnt then it wasnt meant to be. if it was, hell be back for sure. i feel like he'll be back it could be wishful thinking but im just not blind. i know what i felt and what i saw. all i know is that if he does text me, when, unless he pours his heart out i need to ignore him. he gave up his bf card which means im not available for his everybeck and call. fuck. i thought he might invite me over tonight! ive mad progress though. cause i gave up on that and didnt go back to it. and i didnt let myself believe hed come knocking on the door lmao this just sucks., stupid boy. really. stupid ass boy. this is stupid. he was happy and little by little he let thought destroy it. now you just deal with what youve done. we're through -__- and meanwhile i juust want to be alone. dont really want to talk to anyone. dont want to be around people more than i have to. though i dont have another bleeping off day til next wednesday, bleh., im going to enjoy the fact that now theres a guarentee that if i don't contact him, there will actually come a time when i DO NOT THINK ABOUT HIM which is awesoooome cause ive gotten sick of it. other good things: no more trying to plan a visit into my week or hoping that he'll take advantage of my free time. no more missing workouts because im too depressed. no more wondering if he likes me or not cause i already know its a no. no more skipping periods just to take bc so we can have sex. no more pregnancy scares. no more meathead conversations no more pretending im okay with his unhealthy preoccupation with it, no more drug dealer roommate, no more wasting gas, no more having to clean up or spruce up my apt. no more feeling unpretty. no more shaving!! no more waiting all night and him never coming. no more angry texts in the middle of the night. no more planning things i wouldnt do by myself. i can probably now get rid of this ongoing yeast infection and perpetual vaginal dryness. no more listening to him brag about his apt. no more pressure to compete or do things a certain way. no more being so obsessed and infatuated with him and knowing he doesnt feel the same way. no more holding back my feelings cause its unattractive to him. no more spending money on him. no more pretending to care about football. no one to impress. i can do whatever i want when i want and what i want is to be alone. i dont want to take pics and put em on instagram i dont ven want to get on instagram. i dont want to get on fb. no more pisting things just so he'll like it and then checking it and seeing that he didnt. for the next few days ill be checking my phone every five seconds as usual but at least now i know itll go away. thank the Lord. when we were good we were good but i mean he gave up weeks ago and i just been suffering taking what i could get and it wasnt fair then and its not fair now. i dont love him. i couldve. but i feel safer now knowng that i wont get to that point. no more cancellations hetting let down no more trying to impress no more. in time this is going to be just one more liberation. i cant even think of myself with anyone else right now but maybe one day. right now...i just wanna be okay and im not there yet. but i been unhappy for weeks and he was the cause. at least now i know for sure the pain will go away.

this is actually from 10/15 just want it to be like it was. trying to be patient

Ugh I never know whats going on. I'm just going to in my mind act like we're not together. like wrap my mind around that. because unless we are physically in eachothers presence i cant really tell if he likes me. he's getting back to texting me. not as much but he usually texts me back. i just dont feel 100% comfortable to be myself ya know and it bothers me that we're at this stage again two months later i felt like he was more likely to text me back in the beginning. its so crazy when im with him hes got this dreamy look and he cant keep his hands off me and i FEEL how he feels when he kisses me BUT when we're apart its like hes fine. and i mean technically im fine too. im fine too. i guess...i mean i just want to be sure but i guess it might be a long time until that happens. i still think he's worth it. i mean even on our worst day id rather be with him than without. i just miss when we used to text ALL DAY. and he would say nice things to me and tell me he missed me. today i threw in the convo that i was off tomorrow and didnt have school friday JUST IN CASE he might invite me over but he didnt. all day i been saying im not gunna text him back but i keep forgetting. i get tired of waiting for him to text back and knowing that he might not. i mean....idk what i gotta do to get some collateral. i guess it has only been two months he's just slow. and non e of my relationships that have gone fast have ended well. i can be patient. idk. i know he likes me he was so good this weekend. and he did JUST see me. im just curious how long its going to be befpre he asks me over. im used to seeing him twice a week AW I SENT HIM A PIC OF ME WITH THOR AND HE SAID SO CUTE! lol thank you motherfucker damn. i just sent em a smiley face and now im REALLY not going to answer him til 2. i think the only thing i CAN do at this point is pretend to be really busy. i mean i can find stuff to do i can study, hang with dustyn or just watch tv. but im going to have to become the one thats hard to get a hold of. texting him back RARELY. and eventually hes gotta miss me. he has no common sense so i know i wont see him tomorrow or thursday which would be most convenient. i could also do saturday. i think ill even stop the pet names. i mean everyone values something they dont get very often. next semester i actually WILL be busy. but right now i mean i know for sure he'll be with me at the show. worst case scenario i could b busy til then. im not bringing it up im not saying i miss him. he has GOT to come to me and he can just work for it. i just gotta be myself, have my own shit going, and when we see eachother be confident and easygoing and look amazing and keep looking more amazing. i have to show him that i am the catch period and i think he knows that but i dont really think that he like..idk really realizes like that he needs to keep me and he hasnt had to work to do so. i mean if he wants a chase i can give him one. my guard is definitely up i feel actually better since he showed me i can live without him. i just dont want to but i can. but he is 100% positive he can live without me and would be fine without me. the only way hes nnot going to feel that way is if i give him something he doesnt already have. chris takes care of him financially and so does his mom as far as buying him stuff and he is given a lot of stuff. people clearly compliment him all the time hes fairly confident. idk if hes missing anything i cant see what he doesnt have. except publicity i can give him that but i mean.. trhat wont make you fall for someone. i guess i just have to be myself and see if being with me makes him happy...he wont want to be without me. i think i just need to be a positive thing in his life and when hes with me it has to be carefree and fun like it always is. its a thrill and clearly he does love a thrill. idk i cant make him need me if he doesnt but we will see what cutting it back to once a week does and when i leave i have to leave on time and not cling at ALL and not let him cling and never text him never call just not give him anything make him work for everything until he finally values me and starts to give me what i need. which is just...attention and affection and to be SURE. so ill test him. show him if he cares or not. cause i think he thinks he doesnt. i mean i value him so much ive never met anyone like him and i want to keep him in my life. he doesnt realize like hes never met anyone like me and his life would not be AS awesome without me. i think its kind of like with me and anthony like..i felt kind of interested and then i felt like he was too serious too soon and it pushed me away but i did come back because of the intial connection and also cause i had to see him all the time ya know? eventually his low self esteem is really what pushed me away and just generasl horribleness. so i have to keep high self esteem and if i want him to love me i have to love myself. which i do i just cant let it slip. he was there for me when i was weak and had low self esteem. i just want to get to a point where we can both let our walls down and trust eachother and COMMIT. cause i know all i want is him. i just want him to be OKAY with feeling the same. he makes me so happy. i have never in my life had somebody be there for me like him. yes i can see myself marrying him. and hed be an amazing baby daddy he is SO SWEET. i feel safe and protected and amazing when im with him. if i can give him the same blissful feeling and be that happiness in his life then we belong together and i will cherish him. just like i do now. and if time goes on and its not progressing and he doesnt feel it then i mean...itll kill me but i have to let em go i know what its loike when you try but you cant make yourself feel that passion and i dont want him to be trappedf like me. i mean it may seem a little odd. but..idk i pray im not just feeling this and its not there but i swear he feels it too i know he does. i just want to be sure for once right now like its always on the fence all i have is hope and memories but i remember when he used to tell me to my face i like you and i know that it means something that he came this weekend and everything he did for me he cares about me. he thinks about me and to make sure im not worried. i will NEVER forget how he treated me this weekend i want this person by my side for everything i only wish i could repay him but he doesnt need me. i remember when he told me the truth that his walls were up and would he ever let them down I HAVE THAT TEXT. i remember when he told me he liked me more every time we saw eachother. i remember. and im not going to pretend i dont and i know it didnt change. maybe he just got complacent. and i know ive always said when youre meant to be it just happens. this did kind of just happen.its taking some work...but omg hes so worth it. just looking at him makes me so happy. ill do whatever i freaking have to to keep him. even if it means i have to stop trying to control, stop being aggressive, stop everything and just let him do it i have to like...just...let it happen and its hard especially to keep in what i feel but its at a healthy place now. i know i can do it i feel like hes not going anywhere but now i know not to dump everythin g on him and suffocate him and im just trying to be better. since hes come around i thought he was the reason i fell into bad habits and was doing better before him. but now i see that i wouldnt be where i am i wouldnt have done the show i wouldnt be doing this show, had he not been there. hes made me better hes made me stronger without even realizing it. and i know i cant tell him now because hes going to freak out bhu8t one day i will definitely tell him and i hope it will make him feel good not trapped. i hope somehow i can be a positive effect on him as well and help him be better. he seems to have trouble having someone think highly of him even when he does wrong and to have someone really have his back like that besides chris but hipefully he'll let me be that person. hes such a good guy its ridiculous. idk. i dont want to9 get to into it. right now i just hate feeling like im not in control and it kind of sucks but i think this is the constructive way to produce the kind of relationship i want. technically we are in a relationship even though we dont act like it when we're not tiogether i think once he realizes he has the reigns he'll drive us closer. he doesn't quite see the change yet. my biggest thing is that i freaking love physically being with him and its hard to not do that and then obviously when we're not together i want to be caking like we used to but we dont now :( he used to like all my pics and all my statuses things were good i miss how they were he did so much i just hope we can get back there cause i just miss us being like a couple. but i mean the stuff that counts, he's on top of it. im happy we were able to work things out. he hasnt texted bacvk to my smiley but i thought it would be rude to not say anything when he gave me a compliment. but yea, idk, i gotta start having even MORE restraint. and really juust focusing on ME. what i want to do. spend time with myself doing things i enjoy that are important to me and putting my all into things that pay off. i definitely think obviously since were both into fitness the more serious i am about that the more he trusts me and its also attractive to him. i just want to go back to working on me. being stronger, having a better attitutde, not complaining so much or getting angry. just being a strong, confident, individual.

AMAZING WEEKEND. now I know for sure WHY I want to be with him and now i KNOW he wants me too

ok update first. so we were talking again. definitely not a lot and though it seemed somewhat normal he went right back to ignoring me so I just sent em how I felt saying look if you have something to say say it but i dont deserve being ignored. and he sent me this retarded text saying basically hes been avoiding me cause hes been holding in that he KNOWS that i like him more than he likes me and if we keep hanging out im going to keep liking him more and more and all he can focus on is himself right now. sigh. so i guess i saw what i wanted to see and responded kinda wrong but hey it was from the heart. it was like five full pages basically pep talking on how he was wron g and i think we'll be good for eachother and i wont be so needy after the show etc. i even made a beyonce and jay z reference LMAO this was before i re-read and realized it was basically a "he's not that into you" situation. then i was just annoyed and had basically given up on him. didnt expect him to text me til like friday to tell me he wasnt coming and i definitely didnt expect him to come. it had been like the twilight zone for two weeks i mean..i didnt know the kid anymore so yea i had basically given up. then randomly thursday he texted me saying that he had been reading and rereading my texts for a day and he tried to come up with a response but he was tired and juust wanted to put it to the side if i didnt mind. and that he was sorry for stressing me and hoped the week hadnt been to bad because of him. and to tell him my schedule cause he got off at 8 and give me the address to the hotel. i was shocked but it almost felt wrong i was thinking of telling him not to come. but what i did instead was just make sure he knew id be fine without him if he was coming out of obligation he didnt have to and that i made these plans with him in mind but that was when he liked me and i wouldnt be surprised or have my feelings hurt if he just wanted to come to the show and leave. but he said he definitely wanted to support me and it was going to be a long fun weekend and that was that and i was like..alright then. didnt know what to expect but it actually turned out ...amazing. anyway okay moving forward

why i want to be with him : Because he takes care of me. He really does when it comes down to it hes really not selfish. he can be very self LESS. i'll have to remember how much he supported me this weekend I mean he was just...flawless. Where do I begin. I really couldn't have imagined it would be like it was. As of now I'm just going to leave it be I haven't texted him, don't plan to and he hasn't texted me. We can start from scratch now because I don't want him to think that like..idk. I'm trying to back off I don't want him to feel pressured. I finally realized what it is is that we both just love being with eachother. Like physically being together. Not even just sex or kissing anything we just love to be in eachothers presence and yea we always end up on eachother. I guess I'll recap the whole weekend. I gotta be quick (never happens) cause I need to study. Anyway okay so I was with Dustyn and we'd been toge3ther all day and I planned sloppily so it was all kind of thrown together and I was irritable. He didn't get there til like....11 basically cause he left late as fuck. but yea when he came it wasn't like a heartfelt reunion i didn't even hug him cause i thought he was just there like as a friend or whatever and i was determined to not make him feel special at all. so basically idk we chilled. and he met dustyn. and at one point he did like wrap his arms around me and pull me close and it was weird because i was like why are you doing this if you dont like me and i wouldnt really get close. then i forgot my food and he offered to take me to the store and he did. then he paid for all my shit! took me back to the hotel. and we all hung out and then decided to try to go to bed dustyn slept on the couch and we closed the door and watched tv and stuff. the lights were off but we werent really on eachother. i hadnt complimented him or said anything affectionate either. but yea several times he would like roll over and put his arm around me and kind of lay on me and i wasnt really being receptive at all. and he was like gosh why r u so rude to me now. but at some point idk how we got on the topic but he was kind of on me like that and i just told him i didnt think he would come he doesnt care he doesnt like me and i dont know why hes here and he was just like omg and like had his hand on my face and he was like well i am here and then he pulled my face in and kissed me and i was like fucking a. i mean really like a fucking smooch is like magical with this kid. its undeniable theres no way he doesnt feel it theres no way its like electricity. literally. amazing. then of course there were several kisses. and we were just like passionately making out and holding eachother and yea we ended up having sex lol it was amazeballs it never got dry which was awesome ugh it feels so good now and he always kisses me. idk our connection is deeper now i KNOW he feels it there is no WAY he doesnt. i freaking love it. best feeling in the world. never fails. just one smooch. idk. so yea the first night was awesome. then in the morning tara came did my makeup blah. then we went i checked in and we came back to the room. went back at like 11. sociailized sandra got there and the same time she met him and he was really nice. sandras behavior yday is a whole nother story but Corey was on point. at first he was walking with his friend chad behind me and i was with dustyn but he didnt say anything and i was just like its okay im just gunna let him do his thing today he doesnt want me up under him and then he like walked ahead really fast and started calling someone and i looked and saw he was calling me so i called him back and he was like i was looking for you i was like you were behind me the whole time! it was pretty awesome he was looking for me all day like he stayed with me all day if i walked away he would get mad lol he got me some hica max. we talked to people. chad is an ass. i dont really care about him. everyone else was nice though. not super interested in me i definitely wasnt hot shit like i thought id be. wasnt by ANY MEANS the best looking girl there. body or face. so i didnt get much attention except from him. he kept telling me how good i looked and he said he was proud of me :) he was there when i didnt do as well as i thought he was the first one to come and hug me. he drove me back and forth all day. drove dustyn home for me. and at the end of the night we had decided to go to hooters but he could tlel i wanted pizza he was like its whatever you want its not about me at all this is all about you and he paid for the pizza. he was like offering to pay for everything this weekend. and he did everything i needed or wanted. and like the pda. he would hold my hand and like one time he was looking for me and he was like going down a ramp and i was over the rail and i walked right up to it and he saw me and we were just right there talking and caking and he kisses me a lot :) and puts his arm around me and pulls me closer. like he didn't act funny in front of his friends and he was very affectionate. he felt weird around garrisen though. i was on his lap and he wouldnt take a kissy pic with me bc garrisen came in lol and like...this old mutual friend of me and garrisen asked me if we were still together and i told em corey was my bf and like corey got kinda like..aggressive lol and like the guy told me garrisen said we were still together. idk maybe he meant someone else i dont want to ask but when i told corey he definitely seemed secretly bothered. which is nice like he gives a shit. but yea i mean i wasnt hot shit like i thought id be just dominating. but he gave me all the attention and juust pampered me. and like okay so we went back ate pizza smoked and i fell asleep which i was so mad because i wasted all that time with him. and we woke up late. but we had breakfast and went back to the room and he was on me cause i was cold. lol then i turned around cause i said he was being mean and he like pulled me all close and was breathing on my neck and we ended up having sex lol it was ok kind of dry. i k now we did it at least four times. its not as outrageously many times anymore we just like to be around eachother. and then like we parted ways just ya know, kiss hug goodbye nothing special he said text me i didnt plan to lol and then like i got all the way to the woodlands and realized he had mky debit card (which has zero dollars on it -__- ) so i called em and told em id go get it. so i went there. freaking jacked up my bumper hitting somebody. then i was like do you just wanna bring it out (this was before i hit the car) and he said yea but was like do you wanna come see my place and i was like yea ok i know you want me to cause he asked me a GAZILLION times this weekend lol and i kept saying no. haha but yea PLACE IS AMAZING HIS LIFE IS RIDICULOUS ITS EVEN MORE CHARMED THAN MINE. i love his friggin apt. and chris is nice in person. but yea so i got to spend even MORE time with him today. we went to get icecream for everyone and he still offered to pay but i hit him and wouldnt let him lol but yea anyway soooo i went and i told em i was gunna leave cause chris was coming back and i felt weird i didnt know if he wanted me there or like how long i should stay without being annoying and i just felt like i was imposing and he swore i wasnt. so i stayed. and chris brought him food and he made me come sit by him and gave me food like making sure i wasnt hungry and yea we watched movies and all laughed and talked or whatever went outside they were smoking but i didnt. and we talked about my tats. blah blah. chris doesnt like to hear me talk very long apparently lol hell kind of cut me off so ill be more point blank in the future haha. but yea and then like when we came back in he was like ima go inside and did the head thing for me to come and then i went to the bathroom and when i came back i was going to go sit beside him and he pulled me in his lap :) and we stayed that way for a while. that was like the theme of the weekend i was in his lap a lot. at the hotel and at the show backstage. and yea. we watched movies and just chilled. when we actually did get ice cream he broke everybody but ours lol and felt really bad i tried to make em feel better. then like he needed to shower so i told em id leave when i finsihed my food and he was like you know you dont have to go and i was like but you need to shower and stuff and he was like well dont turn it around on me lol and i just..didnt think he like actually wanted me to stay, i dont want to overstay my welcome over there so only if i feel like he really wants me to stay. no but i look forward to going over there and spending the night. i think that will be fun i like it over there. but yea soooo theres that. it was amazing i got to spend SO much time with him. in my mind i was like everything happens for a reason so whats the point of me forgetting my card. i thought it would just annoy him cause he just saw me but i actually got to spend more time with him and finally meet chris. and my car is jacked up a little but which will eventually be expensive but you know what, worth it. every second of this weekend was worth it if not only because of him. i mean i didnt even know if we were like back together but when tara asked him how long wed been to0gether he almost said two months but i8 corrected him because we didnt immediately start dating, but yea i mean. i gues i was right us being around eachother changed things and i definitely think it brought us closer and made him realize his feelings. i mean we BOTH just love being together and habging out and doing stuff together. lifes better together than apart thats all it is. he hasnt started liking all my stuff yet but idk if hes really just been on fb i think he has. whatever. he was so amazing this weekend it doesnt even matter. i was just like..i wanted to tell em thank you for taking such amazing care of me this weekend but i dont want to say nice things to him anymore lol and if he misses it then i will but for now no ha. but yea, and he thinks i should compete again in four weeks and i really want to. he said hed drive me so we'd actually get to do this all again. i think i can do well if i lean out about 3 to 4 more percent and raise my glutes and 4 weeks is plenty of time. im already leanER now so it wont be so bad and desperate trying to come down more. but yea so amazing weekend. i just.. love being with him. i love this sport to i like competing. one day he'll be competing and i'll have to be there for him like he was me. hopefully i can compete with him but if not ill just go to support him. always. even when he goes to nationals. idk. this weekend surprised me b ut it hus===just went so well. he sweeps me off my feet hes so chivalrous he tries to act like hes selfish etc but hes not. he can be. but hes actually really really sweet and caring and supportive and he makes me SO happy. i just wont tell em. let him tell me if he has certain feelings, but yea...now i know i hope i dont forget. i see how he looks at me you cant fake how we are. he wants to be close to me. he wants to spend time with me he doesnt get sick of me. i KNOW he feels how i feel hes just not as vocal. but i know now. we may not be in love. and yes we do fight. we argue over stupid things. and we push eachothers buttons but we just love being with eachother and we are good for eachother. and i can see this going on for a long time. im excited for all the memories we'll make :) thank you God for answering my prayers I couldnt have asked for more. You know my heart and you know Corey is better than winning to me. you gave me what i really wanted thank you SO much. i love you!