man, sometimes like, idk some things b/w us are cute
but like foreal..hes posa b tryna impress me right now
but hes mostly just rude
like..whats your deal dude!
i just left em an open pass, huge opportunity,
cause i thought the other day
showed me that he responded to sweetness
which i thought was awesome cause its so much easier for me to be sweet
instead of fighting it
but nah. like..he is just SPOILED
lol like u tell em something & youre obviously not serious
& hes just like..
its getting like..actually funny.
like im starting to take it less seriously cause its seriously like a joke
i mean we cosign on fb
& he liked the status i put up specifically for him to like
but hes just..oblivious
theres the word. obvlivious.
somethin in my mind keeps tellin me over & over its only a matter of time
this is not gunna work
& i dont truly believe in my heart that it is
BUT for now, whatever.
ive grown up a little
God has graced me with the ability to live without him
so..it is what it is.
were talking now
i try this open communication thing
it sucks if u ask me
but i cant seem to hold stuff in anymore
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
eh, mood swings
idk what the heck. i go so back & forth
i guess i need to choose
do i wanna be alone & keep waitin for mister perfect
& justkeep jettin everytime my mind invents something new to freak about it
or..do i wanna stick around, b patient, chill out
and see what happens
yea, he does..not give me everything i want yet
but i have one more thing to try
ive been throwing myself on him, letting every jealous thought bounce off the tip of my tongue, i text him some long bs or chop him up about something everytime my mood changes
normally,& im pretty sure if it was me, id definitely jet
like..why put up with the drama?
it does feel like he has no intention of taking it further than it is
i cant imagine how like..we would have an opportunity to "get to know e/o" mentally now that weve known e/o so much physically
thought that is truly our only hope
idk.. when we were in that bed..& i was freaking out
& i turned over to pout..my pride was swallowed & i was going to turn back over & make him talk to me
but he did it first. MAYBE that means something.
MAYBE he did feel how i felt. i dont know
he didnt have to tell me i had nothing to worry about
he doesnt have to answer my ?s
he couldve told me just like daray "were not talking" but idk mayb we r?
idk. truth be told, yes i would like him to b more affectionate
yes i would like to talk to him more & spend more time with him other than extra late at night
i would like it to be way more obvious that he feels how i feel
& no i dont really think he does.
but he must like me some..to let me control him like i do
he really is patient with me & my antics & i need to stop
bc nobody wants to put up w/bs this early
but he does
i guess i just gotta back off & shut UP and let things flow
& not dream up something bad just because im afraid
cuz i like em too much
its a blessing that he hasnt changed like the last one did
& just seems to forgive & forget so easily
maybe he does see the good in me, hmm idk
he probably doesnt know i see the good in him
im trying to b nicer
when im myself, im sweet
so im trying not to force & b rude to be cool
i told em good luck on his tests & that id include him in my pretest prayers & he called me sweet. it was a good convo. idk ill see where it goes. sometimes when u stick around, & just..idk let them live their lives they come around. maybe ill finally get a bf for christmas who knows,
maybe if i let him initiate he will
maybe if i go away he'll miss me.
maybe in his spare time he'll think of me.
who knows. im gunna try to do what Victoria said in church last week
& deal mercifully with him
knowing im FAR from perfect, now i dont have to hide myself from him
my weaknesses or my moodiness
hes obviously already seen it and doesnt seem to care
now i just really want him to get to know the real me
because if i am myself, i know i am loveable
& when i was in the past, and til this day, when im not nagging
we have so much fun.
i can only hope & have faith that he feels what i feel
he should cause im just as much of a catch as he is
& i have just as much going for me
i hope he can make an attempt to get to know me better
& i made a promise to God not to pursue any man or praise any man more than him anymore
& to always turn to him for answers& not give man that power
so now i cannot do what i have in the past
if i am truly a child of the King that makes me a princess
princesses should b courted properly by worthy suitors
what would a princess look like mingling among the commoners gravling at a peasants feet
i do not think of myself this way. were all equal. but girls need to be the chasees not the chasers.
im trying to up my confidence & self esteem & give myself value
idk what he thinks of me
he doesnt tell me
& i dont want to ask
but i think if i let my spirit shine through & let these walls down
he will feel as i do if not more
because i know that my heart is of value
whther he sees it or not
BUT he doesnt specifically mistreat me
he never intentionally hurts me & he doesnt continue to do things after i tell him or show him that they hurt me
AND unlike the others, he does actually make me happy
only my thoughts make me sad
SO im gunna have to keep a positive outlook & just pray when the light goes from me
im convinced its the devil that makes me sabotage myself
& i need to continue to pray that God purge my soul if his filth
so i can walk in light as he would have me do
i really like this kid
the way we met was cute, and i think it was specifically orchestrated by God that i meet him & not the other
i did ask God to filter my feelings & only allow my heart to be drawn to someone he approves of
so im gunna have to follow my heart and my original instinct on this one
not be paranoid
& give him the benefit of the doubt
just in case it turns into something
if it doesnt, oh well
the times that i did get to be with him & all the laughs & the hugs & the kisses & the fights & the hours watching tv talking about nothing, was worth it
i just wanna enjoy everyday
ive wasted too much of my time wishing i was someone or somewhere else
now its time to enjoy wherever God puts me the best i can
& stop procrastinating on LIVING
anyway. i dont know when ill see em again
dont plan to text em anymore..well maybe tomorrow to c how he did on his test.
maybe not. idk. we'll see. probably not.
im trying to have him initiate from now on. think ive done enough.
i hope he does..but im trying to get a life & live for me. &* enjoy it when im with em, hope it increases. & then just..nenjoy whatever else is happening when im not with em. & let it go where it will without trying to rush. truth is we got time. AND if he wanted to use me, eh idk. he could use anyway.
if he does turn out to be using me, its his problem not mine
bc he will be missing out on a truly good girl who will cut for him
& make sure he is always & in all ways provided for.
i will just have to believe. & pray that Gods blessing has already been given to us. i wanna thank him for putting up with my ish.
but i dont wanna devalue myself more
idk we'll see where it goes
i cant deny though i like him
i guess i just have to be proactive and do what i know will help me toward my goal
& try to just believe & trust
& not make the mistakes of the past,
even tho i mostly already have & he lets me get away with it.
he could be using me, he could just be tolerating me
he could be talking to any other girl
both at the same time
i pray hes not
but i do have a choice to be positive or negative
trusting or paranoid
& im going to choose to be trusting & positive
& have him be innocent until proven guilty
& just know God will deliver me from whatever pain he causes me
love would be worth the risk
i cant just walk around scared
gotta just swallow my pride & my fear
& see what happens. as of now, its been 2 wks of me testing him
& he hasnt left yet
maybe now..i can let him do the work
see if he will
my plan is to just do that.
live my life & let him be part of it, not be all of it.
& be my normal positive self..seeking to be more Godly not more humanly
& hopefully we work out
if we dont it isnt meant to be
so far..idk
maybe it is.
i hope one day i can text him & say i miss him
or that he'll say it to me first
i hope to hear him tell me he likes me one day
call me baby
to know that he cares about me
that my presence makes a difference in his day
i hope one day i get to change my relationship status to in a relationship with him
i hope we take pics & hes the one i know i canalways talk to & be with
& i know for sure how he feels
to have someone to sleep w/. mostly every night
a new best friend/boyfriend to be attached at the hip with
inseparable from
but its a long shot
if its supposed to happen it will
i cant expect it, cant demand it
& if things were good b/w us yday i have to assume they are good today
but i have to let him chase me
thats what they like
its fun. so there you go hun
i have hope. & i am choosing to be positive.
if im wrong, ill deal with it then
but so far, i havent been
i guess i need to choose
do i wanna be alone & keep waitin for mister perfect
& justkeep jettin everytime my mind invents something new to freak about it
or..do i wanna stick around, b patient, chill out
and see what happens
yea, he does..not give me everything i want yet
but i have one more thing to try
ive been throwing myself on him, letting every jealous thought bounce off the tip of my tongue, i text him some long bs or chop him up about something everytime my mood changes
normally,& im pretty sure if it was me, id definitely jet
like..why put up with the drama?
it does feel like he has no intention of taking it further than it is
i cant imagine how like..we would have an opportunity to "get to know e/o" mentally now that weve known e/o so much physically
thought that is truly our only hope
idk.. when we were in that bed..& i was freaking out
& i turned over to pout..my pride was swallowed & i was going to turn back over & make him talk to me
but he did it first. MAYBE that means something.
MAYBE he did feel how i felt. i dont know
he didnt have to tell me i had nothing to worry about
he doesnt have to answer my ?s
he couldve told me just like daray "were not talking" but idk mayb we r?
idk. truth be told, yes i would like him to b more affectionate
yes i would like to talk to him more & spend more time with him other than extra late at night
i would like it to be way more obvious that he feels how i feel
& no i dont really think he does.
but he must like me some..to let me control him like i do
he really is patient with me & my antics & i need to stop
bc nobody wants to put up w/bs this early
but he does
i guess i just gotta back off & shut UP and let things flow
& not dream up something bad just because im afraid
cuz i like em too much
its a blessing that he hasnt changed like the last one did
& just seems to forgive & forget so easily
maybe he does see the good in me, hmm idk
he probably doesnt know i see the good in him
im trying to b nicer
when im myself, im sweet
so im trying not to force & b rude to be cool
i told em good luck on his tests & that id include him in my pretest prayers & he called me sweet. it was a good convo. idk ill see where it goes. sometimes when u stick around, & just..idk let them live their lives they come around. maybe ill finally get a bf for christmas who knows,
maybe if i let him initiate he will
maybe if i go away he'll miss me.
maybe in his spare time he'll think of me.
who knows. im gunna try to do what Victoria said in church last week
& deal mercifully with him
knowing im FAR from perfect, now i dont have to hide myself from him
my weaknesses or my moodiness
hes obviously already seen it and doesnt seem to care
now i just really want him to get to know the real me
because if i am myself, i know i am loveable
& when i was in the past, and til this day, when im not nagging
we have so much fun.
i can only hope & have faith that he feels what i feel
he should cause im just as much of a catch as he is
& i have just as much going for me
i hope he can make an attempt to get to know me better
& i made a promise to God not to pursue any man or praise any man more than him anymore
& to always turn to him for answers& not give man that power
so now i cannot do what i have in the past
if i am truly a child of the King that makes me a princess
princesses should b courted properly by worthy suitors
what would a princess look like mingling among the commoners gravling at a peasants feet
i do not think of myself this way. were all equal. but girls need to be the chasees not the chasers.
im trying to up my confidence & self esteem & give myself value
idk what he thinks of me
he doesnt tell me
& i dont want to ask
but i think if i let my spirit shine through & let these walls down
he will feel as i do if not more
because i know that my heart is of value
whther he sees it or not
BUT he doesnt specifically mistreat me
he never intentionally hurts me & he doesnt continue to do things after i tell him or show him that they hurt me
AND unlike the others, he does actually make me happy
only my thoughts make me sad
SO im gunna have to keep a positive outlook & just pray when the light goes from me
im convinced its the devil that makes me sabotage myself
& i need to continue to pray that God purge my soul if his filth
so i can walk in light as he would have me do
i really like this kid
the way we met was cute, and i think it was specifically orchestrated by God that i meet him & not the other
i did ask God to filter my feelings & only allow my heart to be drawn to someone he approves of
so im gunna have to follow my heart and my original instinct on this one
not be paranoid
& give him the benefit of the doubt
just in case it turns into something
if it doesnt, oh well
the times that i did get to be with him & all the laughs & the hugs & the kisses & the fights & the hours watching tv talking about nothing, was worth it
i just wanna enjoy everyday
ive wasted too much of my time wishing i was someone or somewhere else
now its time to enjoy wherever God puts me the best i can
& stop procrastinating on LIVING
anyway. i dont know when ill see em again
dont plan to text em anymore..well maybe tomorrow to c how he did on his test.
maybe not. idk. we'll see. probably not.
im trying to have him initiate from now on. think ive done enough.
i hope he does..but im trying to get a life & live for me. &* enjoy it when im with em, hope it increases. & then just..nenjoy whatever else is happening when im not with em. & let it go where it will without trying to rush. truth is we got time. AND if he wanted to use me, eh idk. he could use anyway.
if he does turn out to be using me, its his problem not mine
bc he will be missing out on a truly good girl who will cut for him
& make sure he is always & in all ways provided for.
i will just have to believe. & pray that Gods blessing has already been given to us. i wanna thank him for putting up with my ish.
but i dont wanna devalue myself more
idk we'll see where it goes
i cant deny though i like him
i guess i just have to be proactive and do what i know will help me toward my goal
& try to just believe & trust
& not make the mistakes of the past,
even tho i mostly already have & he lets me get away with it.
he could be using me, he could just be tolerating me
he could be talking to any other girl
both at the same time
i pray hes not
but i do have a choice to be positive or negative
trusting or paranoid
& im going to choose to be trusting & positive
& have him be innocent until proven guilty
& just know God will deliver me from whatever pain he causes me
love would be worth the risk
i cant just walk around scared
gotta just swallow my pride & my fear
& see what happens. as of now, its been 2 wks of me testing him
& he hasnt left yet
maybe now..i can let him do the work
see if he will
my plan is to just do that.
live my life & let him be part of it, not be all of it.
& be my normal positive self..seeking to be more Godly not more humanly
& hopefully we work out
if we dont it isnt meant to be
so far..idk
maybe it is.
i hope one day i can text him & say i miss him
or that he'll say it to me first
i hope to hear him tell me he likes me one day
call me baby
to know that he cares about me
that my presence makes a difference in his day
i hope one day i get to change my relationship status to in a relationship with him
i hope we take pics & hes the one i know i canalways talk to & be with
& i know for sure how he feels
to have someone to sleep w/. mostly every night
a new best friend/boyfriend to be attached at the hip with
inseparable from
but its a long shot
if its supposed to happen it will
i cant expect it, cant demand it
& if things were good b/w us yday i have to assume they are good today
but i have to let him chase me
thats what they like
its fun. so there you go hun
i have hope. & i am choosing to be positive.
if im wrong, ill deal with it then
but so far, i havent been
Saturday, December 11, 2010
KEY to My hEART
listening to Dont Wake Me by Skillet
beautiful song
i miss em but i grew up a lot today
i watn what God wants for me
i know he has someone for me with whom it will just work
for all i know he could b feelin what im feelin & just not be as forward
but like, idk
im sweet to him..i think.
i compliment him. i always go see him
& i just have to wait for him to initiate
idk. i thought about it
spirits are like heart shaped balls of light
with key holes
we all have a hole & a key
our key doesnt fit in our own lock
its for someone else
i feel like he has mine, nothing compares to being with him
sometimes i feel like..when you meet someone, you just..know
you just fall. pretty quickly
it doesnt take that much time
but with him its taking forever
know he doesnt feel the same
i want him to have someone that makes him feel how he makes me feel
its been a LONG time since i felt this way
i wish i could b that one
i havent really been thinking about making HIM happy til now
only me, ive been Agenda Girl, Drama Girl, Yes girl, and Lost girl
i dont feel like the damage can be undone by human hands [it cant]
UNLESS God specifically wants us together, in which case nothing will tear us apart
idk why hes kept me around
thru all my nagging & bringing him lowkey random drama
& he just reassures me
but like, idk.. i still feel like..
idk i can thinkof one reason why someone would stick around thru bs, besidess liking them
i know he doesnt think of me like i think of him
i want him to be my bf
i dont want anyone else touching him
i know what you act like when you like someone
he doesnt act like that
we havent even talked today
why do boys always pick the day after things go down, when you really need them to be there
to not be there
lowkey im not trippin cuz i definitely need to study today
he did text me last night but i didnt wanna c him
which is a blessing from God bc i never thought i could not feel like being w/ him
next time..if there is one, pretty sure imuna make him come to me
& i just want us to have a freaking talk & not just spend our time eating e/os faces off
well..shoot idk. i just am at the point where i know im falling & i need to know if hes gunna be there to catch me
i need to know if he has feelings cause this is the point where it could just sever
i wish em well, i still wanna be his friend
& i do not regret one single second because he made me sooooo freaking happy
& he still has my heart
probably always will have a piece
& i dont wanna let go but i am
cause i need him to show me something
before we proceed.
so i am officially giving up. its up to him now
i think i deserve to be pursued & shown some affection
i need to know that he values me
if he doesnt show me, he wont see me til after the break
bc he should b trying harder to impress me
instead its the other way around
i know my only way of contributing to the possibility, eh idk
i dont believe he has feelings for me
i feel like he got what he wanted
& its only a matter of time so im just bracing myself for the goodbye
we'll see if he even notices if i back off.
ON THE FLIP SIDE
today was an amazing day. for the first time in a while i felt like God was with me. finally i was looking for the right person. not chasing anyone.
it was great. made good $ at work, got some studying done. [been studying since like 7] got my meds, my groceries, and my supps and worked out & actually wanted to. i felt energetic & happy today.
crazy that i feel energetic, happy, & confident the first day that i didnt talk to the rude girl [friend] or the rude boy [him]...
strange that my happiest day & most peaceful day is without the two main ppl..
eh. we'll see.
im letting God take over my relationships at this point.
but io do know who is a bad influence & where most of the negativity ive been feeling is coming from
& i am back eating right
2nd day in a row
i feel great, i think i look decent
still havent weighed myself. idk i dont wanna.
later, maybe monday.
im making progress. today i felt like me. goofy, happy, chillin
i watched a movie & studied
left my phone at home that was a biggie. it helped a LOT. & i havent been on fb or twitter really. all the unecessary stuff that really had me trippin i just got off today & it was so peaceful
i dont plan to completely reenter my coccoon. but i def plan to have some me time. moreso, some me & God time
cause i have to resume where i was & start growing from there again.
but yea.. so in summary,
im trying once again instead to find someone, to find myself
working on my confidence & sense of self worth
getting closer to God
um, i still really reaqlly like rude boy,
but im letting him go because im not sure he feels the same [my prediction is no]
so if he doesnt try, then we'll just slowly fall apart.
i'll miss him but hey, even when we were talking i always missed em
hes never missed me.
i need to hear about feelings. asap. thats what i really want
but i prayed about it its in Gods hands now
anyway, end of my study break
one more song & im back on it
beautiful song
i miss em but i grew up a lot today
i watn what God wants for me
i know he has someone for me with whom it will just work
for all i know he could b feelin what im feelin & just not be as forward
but like, idk
im sweet to him..i think.
i compliment him. i always go see him
& i just have to wait for him to initiate
idk. i thought about it
spirits are like heart shaped balls of light
with key holes
we all have a hole & a key
our key doesnt fit in our own lock
its for someone else
i feel like he has mine, nothing compares to being with him
sometimes i feel like..when you meet someone, you just..know
you just fall. pretty quickly
it doesnt take that much time
but with him its taking forever
know he doesnt feel the same
i want him to have someone that makes him feel how he makes me feel
its been a LONG time since i felt this way
i wish i could b that one
i havent really been thinking about making HIM happy til now
only me, ive been Agenda Girl, Drama Girl, Yes girl, and Lost girl
i dont feel like the damage can be undone by human hands [it cant]
UNLESS God specifically wants us together, in which case nothing will tear us apart
idk why hes kept me around
thru all my nagging & bringing him lowkey random drama
& he just reassures me
but like, idk.. i still feel like..
idk i can thinkof one reason why someone would stick around thru bs, besidess liking them
i know he doesnt think of me like i think of him
i want him to be my bf
i dont want anyone else touching him
i know what you act like when you like someone
he doesnt act like that
we havent even talked today
why do boys always pick the day after things go down, when you really need them to be there
to not be there
lowkey im not trippin cuz i definitely need to study today
he did text me last night but i didnt wanna c him
which is a blessing from God bc i never thought i could not feel like being w/ him
next time..if there is one, pretty sure imuna make him come to me
& i just want us to have a freaking talk & not just spend our time eating e/os faces off
well..shoot idk. i just am at the point where i know im falling & i need to know if hes gunna be there to catch me
i need to know if he has feelings cause this is the point where it could just sever
i wish em well, i still wanna be his friend
& i do not regret one single second because he made me sooooo freaking happy
& he still has my heart
probably always will have a piece
& i dont wanna let go but i am
cause i need him to show me something
before we proceed.
so i am officially giving up. its up to him now
i think i deserve to be pursued & shown some affection
i need to know that he values me
if he doesnt show me, he wont see me til after the break
bc he should b trying harder to impress me
instead its the other way around
i know my only way of contributing to the possibility, eh idk
i dont believe he has feelings for me
i feel like he got what he wanted
& its only a matter of time so im just bracing myself for the goodbye
we'll see if he even notices if i back off.
ON THE FLIP SIDE
today was an amazing day. for the first time in a while i felt like God was with me. finally i was looking for the right person. not chasing anyone.
it was great. made good $ at work, got some studying done. [been studying since like 7] got my meds, my groceries, and my supps and worked out & actually wanted to. i felt energetic & happy today.
crazy that i feel energetic, happy, & confident the first day that i didnt talk to the rude girl [friend] or the rude boy [him]...
strange that my happiest day & most peaceful day is without the two main ppl..
eh. we'll see.
im letting God take over my relationships at this point.
but io do know who is a bad influence & where most of the negativity ive been feeling is coming from
& i am back eating right
2nd day in a row
i feel great, i think i look decent
still havent weighed myself. idk i dont wanna.
later, maybe monday.
im making progress. today i felt like me. goofy, happy, chillin
i watched a movie & studied
left my phone at home that was a biggie. it helped a LOT. & i havent been on fb or twitter really. all the unecessary stuff that really had me trippin i just got off today & it was so peaceful
i dont plan to completely reenter my coccoon. but i def plan to have some me time. moreso, some me & God time
cause i have to resume where i was & start growing from there again.
but yea.. so in summary,
im trying once again instead to find someone, to find myself
working on my confidence & sense of self worth
getting closer to God
um, i still really reaqlly like rude boy,
but im letting him go because im not sure he feels the same [my prediction is no]
so if he doesnt try, then we'll just slowly fall apart.
i'll miss him but hey, even when we were talking i always missed em
hes never missed me.
i need to hear about feelings. asap. thats what i really want
but i prayed about it its in Gods hands now
anyway, end of my study break
one more song & im back on it
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
emptiness
ugh. im so frustrated with myself right now
as usual. im having to go to extremes. to take a step back
because ive been doing the most.
me & the boy r probably pretty much ruined.
& i have to drop off the face a little bit
unless i decided to go out tomorrow
which i want to
i feel like once again i put so much effort into like the impression i was making
i havent really been myself
& idk if i made a good enough first impression for this one not to matter
i want a bf so bad its really hard to hide
i get so excited at the possibility that i might get one
its only a matter of time before i think every guy is perfect
end up staring at his fb three to five times a datgum day
wanna talk to em all the time
making myself way to available
considering them in every effing thing i do
its a bloody tragedy
im so clingy & needy right now
i shouldve just hidden it
i did for a while but man now its real obvious & im so datgum irritated
like..ugh.
cause i feel so out of control
like i just..blew his bloody head up
now hes ignoring my text. hes on fb & oovoo i see it right now. i texted him at 6:20 it is now 7:20
this is not how girls are supposed to be
boys are supposed to chase girls
he should b sitting there waiting on my call
i promise i have lowered myself so freaking much this year theres really like no return at this point. maybe next semester but honestly
right now no
because ive made myself soooo available and sooo swishy whichever way is cool
like..other people control my life
obviously i STILL dont know who i am
its ridiculous once again i want to hide. part of me just wants to go home tomorrow & just stay there. how do you get over being ignored like that? seriously?
like...im sitting here. this mofo is on fb too.
idk what to do cause ive literally made a food of myself.
it mightve been ok if i hadnt texted em today.
but i did. like an idiot.
now im so embarrassed i really just wanna disappear.
now i know its over. why do i do this to myself
i care so much what people think
people like me when im ME
idkwhat i was doing..
thats what i did with the last one.
like when u fail so datgum much..you really just wanna stop trying
how are u supposed to love yourself when u suck so bad
so freaking bad
SO BAD
i missed my chem test.
stuff is bad right now.
i dont even wanna show my face
or feel like pretending to be happy
cuz im pissed off
& ashamed honestly because i..
im pretty man. im funny. im a nice person
but its like i have no life
like i just bow down to these boys
im way too honest
just open up wide really? i need to keep everything to myself
another one bites the dust
its over. completely
i know it is. i might as well have a replacement
idk what this is. i promise like..
ugh. confidence & swag..still shot.
idk how to get it back.
im just this lost puppy chasin after any boy that shows me the time of day
like freaking middleschool
obsessive annoying..really>?
i need to find something else to live for
cause boys are not it
i like him but he doesnt deserve to just be thinking like
ugh. i laiud down & willingly GAVE HIM the upper hand
thank God we didnt go THERE
bc i would b like suicidal right now
how retarded can u be
its time to lock it up
foreal
and just shut everything in forever
bc when u try to b honest ppl just..idk.
exploit.
God is the only man i can trust,
i feel so empty. im so bored
brandon is the only thing i like.. and the only time i wanna spend
otherwise i just wanna sleep
& wake up & hope the nest day will be more exciting less embarrassing
why did i text him today
force force force
how do i get out of this slump
cause it really is a slump
i just gotta disappear now
which sucks. it really sucks
i wanna get this bio freaking final out the way
even though i cant bloody focus and i dont feel like studying anymore
who...am....i...
and how can i get my confidence back.
i knew it. i came out of my coccoon too soon.
im mad at him..but instead of giving HIM the cold shoulder
i basically..idk..let him give it to me
yea..i gotta just avioid him now
i dont wanna go to that party bc then its gunna be like
im lookin for him all night
he wont come
all he really has to do in life is study
play bball sometimes
i have way more stuff to do
but i make time for people
i manage my time so im never really "busy"
but i look like i have no life
& im just all on his tip
im glad i got that article done
ill do the other tomorrow. dangit. i dont have anymore sleeping pills.
efffffffffffffff
God please wash me clean of my embarrassment and shame
please make me ..me again
i been a shell of a person for a minute
'still tryna figure out wtf happened this summer to do this to me
was it tre? was it langston? [puke]
why:( i had more swag when life sucked.
this is ridonculous.
i need to toughen up
but im caught because im tryna b a good person
its just...not paying off
ive become a loser
like a social outcast
no one knows or cares who i am
i might as well just disappear :(
this sucks.
thanks a lot stupid. uggghhhhh
i need to stay away from boys :( but im so freaking bored
i could have 5 or 6 on a team if i wanted
& just have one to call when im bored
couldve just let this one be the main
but noooooooooooooooooooooo
i had to let him have all the power
now il;l never get it back :(
only way to do it is if he comes back
& pursues me & i turn him down
which sucks knowing i do actually want him
i need to go home tomorrow
eff this. & ill just stay there cause to b honest i have no reason to b here
& i need to take my mind of that boy. & everything else
God help me. im so super lost it feels hopeless :(
as usual. im having to go to extremes. to take a step back
because ive been doing the most.
me & the boy r probably pretty much ruined.
& i have to drop off the face a little bit
unless i decided to go out tomorrow
which i want to
i feel like once again i put so much effort into like the impression i was making
i havent really been myself
& idk if i made a good enough first impression for this one not to matter
i want a bf so bad its really hard to hide
i get so excited at the possibility that i might get one
its only a matter of time before i think every guy is perfect
end up staring at his fb three to five times a datgum day
wanna talk to em all the time
making myself way to available
considering them in every effing thing i do
its a bloody tragedy
im so clingy & needy right now
i shouldve just hidden it
i did for a while but man now its real obvious & im so datgum irritated
like..ugh.
cause i feel so out of control
like i just..blew his bloody head up
now hes ignoring my text. hes on fb & oovoo i see it right now. i texted him at 6:20 it is now 7:20
this is not how girls are supposed to be
boys are supposed to chase girls
he should b sitting there waiting on my call
i promise i have lowered myself so freaking much this year theres really like no return at this point. maybe next semester but honestly
right now no
because ive made myself soooo available and sooo swishy whichever way is cool
like..other people control my life
obviously i STILL dont know who i am
its ridiculous once again i want to hide. part of me just wants to go home tomorrow & just stay there. how do you get over being ignored like that? seriously?
like...im sitting here. this mofo is on fb too.
idk what to do cause ive literally made a food of myself.
it mightve been ok if i hadnt texted em today.
but i did. like an idiot.
now im so embarrassed i really just wanna disappear.
now i know its over. why do i do this to myself
i care so much what people think
people like me when im ME
idkwhat i was doing..
thats what i did with the last one.
like when u fail so datgum much..you really just wanna stop trying
how are u supposed to love yourself when u suck so bad
so freaking bad
SO BAD
i missed my chem test.
stuff is bad right now.
i dont even wanna show my face
or feel like pretending to be happy
cuz im pissed off
& ashamed honestly because i..
im pretty man. im funny. im a nice person
but its like i have no life
like i just bow down to these boys
im way too honest
just open up wide really? i need to keep everything to myself
another one bites the dust
its over. completely
i know it is. i might as well have a replacement
idk what this is. i promise like..
ugh. confidence & swag..still shot.
idk how to get it back.
im just this lost puppy chasin after any boy that shows me the time of day
like freaking middleschool
obsessive annoying..really>?
i need to find something else to live for
cause boys are not it
i like him but he doesnt deserve to just be thinking like
ugh. i laiud down & willingly GAVE HIM the upper hand
thank God we didnt go THERE
bc i would b like suicidal right now
how retarded can u be
its time to lock it up
foreal
and just shut everything in forever
bc when u try to b honest ppl just..idk.
exploit.
God is the only man i can trust,
i feel so empty. im so bored
brandon is the only thing i like.. and the only time i wanna spend
otherwise i just wanna sleep
& wake up & hope the nest day will be more exciting less embarrassing
why did i text him today
force force force
how do i get out of this slump
cause it really is a slump
i just gotta disappear now
which sucks. it really sucks
i wanna get this bio freaking final out the way
even though i cant bloody focus and i dont feel like studying anymore
who...am....i...
and how can i get my confidence back.
i knew it. i came out of my coccoon too soon.
im mad at him..but instead of giving HIM the cold shoulder
i basically..idk..let him give it to me
yea..i gotta just avioid him now
i dont wanna go to that party bc then its gunna be like
im lookin for him all night
he wont come
all he really has to do in life is study
play bball sometimes
i have way more stuff to do
but i make time for people
i manage my time so im never really "busy"
but i look like i have no life
& im just all on his tip
im glad i got that article done
ill do the other tomorrow. dangit. i dont have anymore sleeping pills.
efffffffffffffff
God please wash me clean of my embarrassment and shame
please make me ..me again
i been a shell of a person for a minute
'still tryna figure out wtf happened this summer to do this to me
was it tre? was it langston? [puke]
why:( i had more swag when life sucked.
this is ridonculous.
i need to toughen up
but im caught because im tryna b a good person
its just...not paying off
ive become a loser
like a social outcast
no one knows or cares who i am
i might as well just disappear :(
this sucks.
thanks a lot stupid. uggghhhhh
i need to stay away from boys :( but im so freaking bored
i could have 5 or 6 on a team if i wanted
& just have one to call when im bored
couldve just let this one be the main
but noooooooooooooooooooooo
i had to let him have all the power
now il;l never get it back :(
only way to do it is if he comes back
& pursues me & i turn him down
which sucks knowing i do actually want him
i need to go home tomorrow
eff this. & ill just stay there cause to b honest i have no reason to b here
& i need to take my mind of that boy. & everything else
God help me. im so super lost it feels hopeless :(
Monday, December 6, 2010
The Broken Road >> perfection
Every long loost dream..lead me to where you are
others who broke my heart
they were like northern stars
pushin me on my way
into your loving arms
this much i know is true..
God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you
Seriously, i feel like..all the other guys like..everything i always wished theyd notice..he did. everything they hated about me, he finds attractive. everything i never thought anyone would do, he does.
& its crazy i dont even think he really likes me yet
if it ever gets to that point
i cant imagine him getting better
hes waiting for me [you know]
& when it finally goes down lol..it goes DOWN
because hes lowkey super beasty
idk how he sees me
or whats gunna happen from here
but ill be patient cause with him it flows on its own
i love every bloody second with the kid
omg
like who know that just layin in someones arms
could feel so perfect
feels like goin home
like im a stranger in every place BUT those arms
love love love it
im not sayin a word. i know he knows i like him.
i cant wait til he likes me too, id probably just kill over if those words came out of his mouth
but everytime im with him the feelings get stronger & stronger
i just have to keep praying God will give me strength to control them
i can only reveal them in reciprocation
ah but im thankful for every perfect moment with his perfect self
his perfect smile perfect lips perfect voice
perfect touch
ah
perfection
others who broke my heart
they were like northern stars
pushin me on my way
into your loving arms
this much i know is true..
God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you
Seriously, i feel like..all the other guys like..everything i always wished theyd notice..he did. everything they hated about me, he finds attractive. everything i never thought anyone would do, he does.
& its crazy i dont even think he really likes me yet
if it ever gets to that point
i cant imagine him getting better
hes waiting for me [you know]
& when it finally goes down lol..it goes DOWN
because hes lowkey super beasty
idk how he sees me
or whats gunna happen from here
but ill be patient cause with him it flows on its own
i love every bloody second with the kid
omg
like who know that just layin in someones arms
could feel so perfect
feels like goin home
like im a stranger in every place BUT those arms
love love love it
im not sayin a word. i know he knows i like him.
i cant wait til he likes me too, id probably just kill over if those words came out of his mouth
but everytime im with him the feelings get stronger & stronger
i just have to keep praying God will give me strength to control them
i can only reveal them in reciprocation
ah but im thankful for every perfect moment with his perfect self
his perfect smile perfect lips perfect voice
perfect touch
ah
perfection
Friday, December 3, 2010
are they all the same
so my friend tells me that my new "prospect"
with whom i have spent the past 2 nights
was at this party last night talkin to some other girl
idk. were not dating
idk where we stand
so i cant trip.
i think im really annoyed bc he is not texting me right now
but he can get on fb?
honestly im starting to feel like i need to stay away from him
because i like him more than he likes me
& obviously were not on the same page
none of the ones who seem perfect actually are
& im startin to feel like hes just physically attracted to me.
im really freakinf irritated that he cant even text me i know hges not studying
i know hes gunna go to pajamageddon
& im gunna b at home, again
i just dont like how i feel right now.
with whom i have spent the past 2 nights
was at this party last night talkin to some other girl
idk. were not dating
idk where we stand
so i cant trip.
i think im really annoyed bc he is not texting me right now
but he can get on fb?
honestly im starting to feel like i need to stay away from him
because i like him more than he likes me
& obviously were not on the same page
none of the ones who seem perfect actually are
& im startin to feel like hes just physically attracted to me.
im really freakinf irritated that he cant even text me i know hges not studying
i know hes gunna go to pajamageddon
& im gunna b at home, again
i just dont like how i feel right now.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
slippin away
from God, little by little
and more toward man
i cant seem to find a happy medium.
its either all or nothing.
when im around them, even just a little, i star tto become more like them
& wanting to earn their approval
til this day.
i have got to grow out of that
so here i am having to pull myself away again
because ive begun to feed on their negativity
& take it in.
& im just..still not strong enough to be an influence instead of the influenced
& im still chasing boys
sigh. i have to leave my hands empty
but for some reason i cant stand to have emtpy hands
what is the deal
was i happy when i didnt talk to anyone? no i was lonely
but now im not happy cause im sloppy & all over the place
procrastinating all the time
not able to trus tmyself, not very much self control or structure
feeling just out of wack.
i need God. im unable to focus & i think ive lost a lot of faith in myself
i feel like i cannot return
i know all i have to do is seek & i will find
so i have to start now, truly seeking him & not people.
went to a friends bday party, the boy who was the cause of the whol good girl gone bad mvmt (who compared to the devil child was a freaking sweetheart0 was there. left my purse. i need it back.
i hate texting ppl. especially boys. when they act liuke youre such a bother
im so sick of reaching out to ppl & getting rejected
its just..it gets old ya know? real old.
i know im supposed to sit around & wait for a suitor
find some oither things to enjoy
i enjoy family. a lot
i had a blast over thanksgiving
i think i need to just..focus on school, God, working out, & for fun go chill with family
cause if im honest w/ myself i dont have not one single true prospect
not one. so why waste time.
i need to get off fb & twitter foreal.
ive lost myself again. & my grades are this close to slipping. its time to get on track NOW or ill lose everything i worked so hard for
i wanted to go to the alpha probate tomorrow
well, no. i told my friend i would
but i dont want to
so i think i need to just not. idk ill see how i feel tomorrow
right now im supposed to be writing a paper.
thats due tomorrow.
feeling very overwhelmed & irritated.
not creative at all.
& i want my purse.
got a conflicted conversation waiting for me in my text inbox that i dont want to look at.
guess i oughta get it over with.
then im turnin on the Christian music & starting on this paper.
ugh, ive got to cut off all this nonsense.
at least til classes & finals are in check & over with
whoever leaves can just go
cause i have to prioritize right now
& definitely weed out some unnecessary baggage
and more toward man
i cant seem to find a happy medium.
its either all or nothing.
when im around them, even just a little, i star tto become more like them
& wanting to earn their approval
til this day.
i have got to grow out of that
so here i am having to pull myself away again
because ive begun to feed on their negativity
& take it in.
& im just..still not strong enough to be an influence instead of the influenced
& im still chasing boys
sigh. i have to leave my hands empty
but for some reason i cant stand to have emtpy hands
what is the deal
was i happy when i didnt talk to anyone? no i was lonely
but now im not happy cause im sloppy & all over the place
procrastinating all the time
not able to trus tmyself, not very much self control or structure
feeling just out of wack.
i need God. im unable to focus & i think ive lost a lot of faith in myself
i feel like i cannot return
i know all i have to do is seek & i will find
so i have to start now, truly seeking him & not people.
went to a friends bday party, the boy who was the cause of the whol good girl gone bad mvmt (who compared to the devil child was a freaking sweetheart0 was there. left my purse. i need it back.
i hate texting ppl. especially boys. when they act liuke youre such a bother
im so sick of reaching out to ppl & getting rejected
its just..it gets old ya know? real old.
i know im supposed to sit around & wait for a suitor
find some oither things to enjoy
i enjoy family. a lot
i had a blast over thanksgiving
i think i need to just..focus on school, God, working out, & for fun go chill with family
cause if im honest w/ myself i dont have not one single true prospect
not one. so why waste time.
i need to get off fb & twitter foreal.
ive lost myself again. & my grades are this close to slipping. its time to get on track NOW or ill lose everything i worked so hard for
i wanted to go to the alpha probate tomorrow
well, no. i told my friend i would
but i dont want to
so i think i need to just not. idk ill see how i feel tomorrow
right now im supposed to be writing a paper.
thats due tomorrow.
feeling very overwhelmed & irritated.
not creative at all.
& i want my purse.
got a conflicted conversation waiting for me in my text inbox that i dont want to look at.
guess i oughta get it over with.
then im turnin on the Christian music & starting on this paper.
ugh, ive got to cut off all this nonsense.
at least til classes & finals are in check & over with
whoever leaves can just go
cause i have to prioritize right now
& definitely weed out some unnecessary baggage
Thursday, November 25, 2010
who am i??!!
so. idk what the heck i been goin thru tonight
had an amazing thanksgiving with some ppl
that im somewhat related to? family friends idk
but it was so much fun
so glad we went
but this girl wanted to get her lips pierced
which made me want to get mine pierced
i even almost drove to 420
its so wierd when i get in those moods.
then all of a sudden i wanted to cut my hair
i guess its one of those moments.
idk. who the heck am i
& its gunna take so long for me to grow my datgum hair out
am i that prissy pretty girl?
or am i the hardcore punk chick
i was soooo loody confident when i cut my hair & had my piercings
not in padre. at first.
but like most of the time. that i remember
idk
i think i been self conscious for a minute
'at least when i went out i felt swagtastic
now ifeel like i have no swag
i dont turn heads
i look so plain 7 regular
tryna..idk blend in?
why did i cut my hair in the first place was i happy with it?
do i like how i looked with it?
im so confused right now
God please help me
give me confidence let me know what to do
cause if i cut my hair again its going to take months to grow back to this point
if im just patient & wait a fw more months instead i could have a bob again
or just..longer hair
but either way, i wanna go out
do i wanna go out with my hair down & curly?
do i wan my hair down & curly ?
idk what i want
i cant keep makin drastic changes everytime i feel wierd
like..its like sometimes i eel like one person
sometimes i feel like another.
& its gettiong old.
God please help me.
everytime i go out i dont feel..confident
idk which ones me?
the long haired pretty girl
or the short hair rock girl?
i dont know : /
had an amazing thanksgiving with some ppl
that im somewhat related to? family friends idk
but it was so much fun
so glad we went
but this girl wanted to get her lips pierced
which made me want to get mine pierced
i even almost drove to 420
its so wierd when i get in those moods.
then all of a sudden i wanted to cut my hair
i guess its one of those moments.
idk. who the heck am i
& its gunna take so long for me to grow my datgum hair out
am i that prissy pretty girl?
or am i the hardcore punk chick
i was soooo loody confident when i cut my hair & had my piercings
not in padre. at first.
but like most of the time. that i remember
idk
i think i been self conscious for a minute
'at least when i went out i felt swagtastic
now ifeel like i have no swag
i dont turn heads
i look so plain 7 regular
tryna..idk blend in?
why did i cut my hair in the first place was i happy with it?
do i like how i looked with it?
im so confused right now
God please help me
give me confidence let me know what to do
cause if i cut my hair again its going to take months to grow back to this point
if im just patient & wait a fw more months instead i could have a bob again
or just..longer hair
but either way, i wanna go out
do i wanna go out with my hair down & curly?
do i wan my hair down & curly ?
idk what i want
i cant keep makin drastic changes everytime i feel wierd
like..its like sometimes i eel like one person
sometimes i feel like another.
& its gettiong old.
God please help me.
everytime i go out i dont feel..confident
idk which ones me?
the long haired pretty girl
or the short hair rock girl?
i dont know : /
Monday, November 22, 2010
Kind of Off
i feel wierd. idk
im just mentally, idk maybe im burnt out
& just need to relax
2 more weeks & im out of school completely
so its all good
went to eat with a friend, it was fun
theres this guy i think is cute
he has a gf
we were gunna try to get him to come tutor her
while i was there
& see if we could @ least be cool
but he couldnt so im takin it as a sign
just thought id take the opportunity
still single as idk what
& bored as well
im getting used to it
cause it doesnt change at all
& as time goes on it becomes less & less likely that it will
im just hoping maybe next yr ill have something goin
something exciting to look forward to
at least a crush
felt good for a minute to have one
but me & this guy have never even spoken
i gotta stay away from other peoples men
ill just have to b single
i got a 95 on my chem test :) Thank you Lord
been eating w/e. decided thats what imuna do this week
but i got my new diet already 100% calculated out when i start back up
planning to enter 2011 with my resolution being to maintain
determined to keep these hands empty so God can put what he wants in them
i can feel him wormking in me
im getting better
theres just some things i had to let go
& i have..i finally dont hurt
it doesnt bother me
& i am so thankful
i know from now on things will keep getting better
i did just tweet the guy who.
he seems cool. who knows, we could have a cool friendship
im trying to make new friends
Im asking God to keep me in line
& not let anything happen that shouldnt
i know for a fact i wont touch him or even really flirt while he has a girl
we can just be friends.
im not gonna have anyone elses broken heart on my hands
i know how that feels.
im just mentally, idk maybe im burnt out
& just need to relax
2 more weeks & im out of school completely
so its all good
went to eat with a friend, it was fun
theres this guy i think is cute
he has a gf
we were gunna try to get him to come tutor her
while i was there
& see if we could @ least be cool
but he couldnt so im takin it as a sign
just thought id take the opportunity
still single as idk what
& bored as well
im getting used to it
cause it doesnt change at all
& as time goes on it becomes less & less likely that it will
im just hoping maybe next yr ill have something goin
something exciting to look forward to
at least a crush
felt good for a minute to have one
but me & this guy have never even spoken
i gotta stay away from other peoples men
ill just have to b single
i got a 95 on my chem test :) Thank you Lord
been eating w/e. decided thats what imuna do this week
but i got my new diet already 100% calculated out when i start back up
planning to enter 2011 with my resolution being to maintain
determined to keep these hands empty so God can put what he wants in them
i can feel him wormking in me
im getting better
theres just some things i had to let go
& i have..i finally dont hurt
it doesnt bother me
& i am so thankful
i know from now on things will keep getting better
i did just tweet the guy who.
he seems cool. who knows, we could have a cool friendship
im trying to make new friends
Im asking God to keep me in line
& not let anything happen that shouldnt
i know for a fact i wont touch him or even really flirt while he has a girl
we can just be friends.
im not gonna have anyone elses broken heart on my hands
i know how that feels.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Becoming More me
i been looking at old pics of me
i feel like i get LESS attractive as time goes on
& i do it to myself
its like ive been fighting pretty since forever
cause i just, idk
i guess im modest?
& when i look in the mirror
for so long i saw a really pretty girl
inside i felt like i couldnt add up
like it wasnt me
& the boys they just..idk
every haircut
every tat
always had something to do with a boy
its almost like i wanted to b ugly
idk what i was doing
sometimes i just want to go back & whisper in my own ear
tell myself the truth
that its okay to b pretty
youre beautiful on the inside too
i guess.. the jade thing
i always think if i enjoy something its gunna b taken away
so i fought how i looked
now im like..wow i was so pretty
now when i look in the mirror
i see someone random
i know im still me but i dont like it
i want my long pretty hair
i wanna look like a girl
i wanna feel pretty
& i dont. i have to fake it
i know toher ppl think im pretty
but i just feel naked &* unattractive
without my hair &..idk
i just want what i had beforre i let heartbreak change me so much
so now im back on that journey
gotta be poatient
m,y hair will grow
not fast as i want
but it will
time will fly
but i have to keep in touch with my goals
i think failure drove me away from that as well but i gotta keep tryin
i been halfway doin it.
if im honest with myself, i want to be a fitness model
i really do
i love it & thats what i want
i want low bodyfat
i dont like my body how it is & i want to b strong enough to diet
so im gunna try again
& just pray for God to give me pateince
& strength to perservere
start with small goals
like just getting thru tomorrow
make that my goal. once i reach that, do it again the next day
no more missing workouts
worrying about everything else but what i really want
& ignoring the future
it may not be right now, but i have it
next year i want to compete & win
& go pro
& have that as my hobby
i been tryin so hard not to identify with anything
been afraid to have likes or dislikes or a personality
to the point i have no goals
no plans for the future
cause I dont know what God wants for me and im scared to pursue my own interests
i hope He knows i inted to use anything i get for good
& i dont intend on ever just..living the life without giving backor using my gifts for evil
but i want something to strive for
i dont even know how anymore
i hate the pressur eit makes me wanna cave but i have to face the fear if i want to change
& learn to believe in myself
idk how else to do that but to keep trying
& not accept excuses from myself
if i got through october i can do this.
thanksgiving, christmas, food, anything. all of it. its not worth sabotaging & if i could just see my goal in those moments, stay focuses & not give into the temptations
i could reach it & i know that would build my character
just for the sake of being able to fight temptation
that would build strength and help my confidence a lot
so..no more random social stuff
lookin for a bf
i need to spend my time pursuing goals
right now my goals, always to get closer to God
& secondly to have all As in school
thiordly to get my bodyfat down where i want it. I want to enter 2011 looking like..amazing. looking in the mirror & seeing what i want to see
i have to keep asking myself "if not now, then when?"
God please grant me this request
give me the strength and patience to stick to my goials
perservering through any obstacle
& turning to you when i need help instead of people or food
God i ask that you remind me of my dreams
encourage me that they are attainable
give me peace in my heart
so i dont search in temptations direction
& always instead turn to you
help me give up all my addictions & escape mechanism
put the question in my mind when i turn from the path "if not now then when"?
help me prioritize
and enter 2011 FINALLY able to say, i did everything i said i would
i want to be a better person
more like you & more who you made me to be
better everyday
Give me your spirit, your hope, your peace, and your strength
in Jesus name Amen
I want to step on the scale with shoes on fully clothed in 2011 & see like 133 or 132. i want to lose like 10 pounds of solid fat. its doable. i have about 6 weeks left in the year. at a pound & a half a week I could do it. but i have to be strong
& never cave
no matter what
i want this, i do. i have to fight the fear
this desire in my heart to be better is not going away
so i need to just nix it
cold turkey, doing right & fighting the good fight every day
one day at a time
its time to work on me. so that next year, i am confident knowing im at my best in every way. Closer to God then ever. the journey begins now
i feel like i get LESS attractive as time goes on
& i do it to myself
its like ive been fighting pretty since forever
cause i just, idk
i guess im modest?
& when i look in the mirror
for so long i saw a really pretty girl
inside i felt like i couldnt add up
like it wasnt me
& the boys they just..idk
every haircut
every tat
always had something to do with a boy
its almost like i wanted to b ugly
idk what i was doing
sometimes i just want to go back & whisper in my own ear
tell myself the truth
that its okay to b pretty
youre beautiful on the inside too
i guess.. the jade thing
i always think if i enjoy something its gunna b taken away
so i fought how i looked
now im like..wow i was so pretty
now when i look in the mirror
i see someone random
i know im still me but i dont like it
i want my long pretty hair
i wanna look like a girl
i wanna feel pretty
& i dont. i have to fake it
i know toher ppl think im pretty
but i just feel naked &* unattractive
without my hair &..idk
i just want what i had beforre i let heartbreak change me so much
so now im back on that journey
gotta be poatient
m,y hair will grow
not fast as i want
but it will
time will fly
but i have to keep in touch with my goals
i think failure drove me away from that as well but i gotta keep tryin
i been halfway doin it.
if im honest with myself, i want to be a fitness model
i really do
i love it & thats what i want
i want low bodyfat
i dont like my body how it is & i want to b strong enough to diet
so im gunna try again
& just pray for God to give me pateince
& strength to perservere
start with small goals
like just getting thru tomorrow
make that my goal. once i reach that, do it again the next day
no more missing workouts
worrying about everything else but what i really want
& ignoring the future
it may not be right now, but i have it
next year i want to compete & win
& go pro
& have that as my hobby
i been tryin so hard not to identify with anything
been afraid to have likes or dislikes or a personality
to the point i have no goals
no plans for the future
cause I dont know what God wants for me and im scared to pursue my own interests
i hope He knows i inted to use anything i get for good
& i dont intend on ever just..living the life without giving backor using my gifts for evil
but i want something to strive for
i dont even know how anymore
i hate the pressur eit makes me wanna cave but i have to face the fear if i want to change
& learn to believe in myself
idk how else to do that but to keep trying
& not accept excuses from myself
if i got through october i can do this.
thanksgiving, christmas, food, anything. all of it. its not worth sabotaging & if i could just see my goal in those moments, stay focuses & not give into the temptations
i could reach it & i know that would build my character
just for the sake of being able to fight temptation
that would build strength and help my confidence a lot
so..no more random social stuff
lookin for a bf
i need to spend my time pursuing goals
right now my goals, always to get closer to God
& secondly to have all As in school
thiordly to get my bodyfat down where i want it. I want to enter 2011 looking like..amazing. looking in the mirror & seeing what i want to see
i have to keep asking myself "if not now, then when?"
God please grant me this request
give me the strength and patience to stick to my goials
perservering through any obstacle
& turning to you when i need help instead of people or food
God i ask that you remind me of my dreams
encourage me that they are attainable
give me peace in my heart
so i dont search in temptations direction
& always instead turn to you
help me give up all my addictions & escape mechanism
put the question in my mind when i turn from the path "if not now then when"?
help me prioritize
and enter 2011 FINALLY able to say, i did everything i said i would
i want to be a better person
more like you & more who you made me to be
better everyday
Give me your spirit, your hope, your peace, and your strength
in Jesus name Amen
I want to step on the scale with shoes on fully clothed in 2011 & see like 133 or 132. i want to lose like 10 pounds of solid fat. its doable. i have about 6 weeks left in the year. at a pound & a half a week I could do it. but i have to be strong
& never cave
no matter what
i want this, i do. i have to fight the fear
this desire in my heart to be better is not going away
so i need to just nix it
cold turkey, doing right & fighting the good fight every day
one day at a time
its time to work on me. so that next year, i am confident knowing im at my best in every way. Closer to God then ever. the journey begins now
Thursday, November 18, 2010
college life?
is it oveR? i mean did i overstay my welcome?
even the boy i thought actually liked me has started acting a mess
i think im just going to ignore him from now on
i hate this feeling of rejection
& like im not pretty anymore
everytime i go out i feel less & less attractive
this awkward stage haircut is noooooo fun
but im not cutting it,
ill just have to be patient.
i went to an event at school. felt like socializing
its surely not what it used to be
'especially with absolutely NO ONE to impress
sigh. i prayed in the bathroom for God to give me patience
to wait for life to get exciting again
i feel like..its all just old & its not gunna get better
im not gunna meet any new boys unless theyre younger
& im oh so tired of that
i wanted somebody of equal social standing so we could go out & socialize together :(
and now i feel like
i wish i could go back & undo A LOT
just do it all differently
so i wiuldnt suck the well dry
& now..the only thing about school is the learning
& lately ive been REALLY considering going back to BJ
cause..idk. cause im bored
but im trying to leave my hands open
i thought God wanted me to go to this event
although now i cant imagine why
sigh. i just gotta drop the social thing
not worry about that
& drop the campus love affair thing
i wont get another chance for that
the devil child was the last chance
sigh
ive blown so much
but i know God will give me better memories
that will stomp all over the ones in my imagination
simply for the fact that i believe
its coming
ill be patient
its just not my turn yet
gotta hold on
even the boy i thought actually liked me has started acting a mess
i think im just going to ignore him from now on
i hate this feeling of rejection
& like im not pretty anymore
everytime i go out i feel less & less attractive
this awkward stage haircut is noooooo fun
but im not cutting it,
ill just have to be patient.
i went to an event at school. felt like socializing
its surely not what it used to be
'especially with absolutely NO ONE to impress
sigh. i prayed in the bathroom for God to give me patience
to wait for life to get exciting again
i feel like..its all just old & its not gunna get better
im not gunna meet any new boys unless theyre younger
& im oh so tired of that
i wanted somebody of equal social standing so we could go out & socialize together :(
and now i feel like
i wish i could go back & undo A LOT
just do it all differently
so i wiuldnt suck the well dry
& now..the only thing about school is the learning
& lately ive been REALLY considering going back to BJ
cause..idk. cause im bored
but im trying to leave my hands open
i thought God wanted me to go to this event
although now i cant imagine why
sigh. i just gotta drop the social thing
not worry about that
& drop the campus love affair thing
i wont get another chance for that
the devil child was the last chance
sigh
ive blown so much
but i know God will give me better memories
that will stomp all over the ones in my imagination
simply for the fact that i believe
its coming
ill be patient
its just not my turn yet
gotta hold on
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Church
Lakewood is amazing.
these people have gifts
every service is exactly what i need to hear
its like God speaking to me
telling me "Dont listen to them, youre right"
and i find out all these things ive thought are true
in the bible
that im not wrong
that theres people who understand me
& that Someone loves me
i know i have to let stuff go
today was the first day in a long time i dont feel heart broken
just lonely
but im letting go of everything
all my friends all my previous hobbies
previous love interests
so i have not one single thing in my hand
& just spend my time giving to others
& trying to please God
& i know he has a blessing just waiting for me
an out of this world blessing
bigger than my wildest dreams
or exactly what im dreaming of
ill have a whole new life
ill have my own things to do
separate from the people who have rejexcted me
so ill say "oh no sorry i cant, ive got my own life to live"
not that, but you know what i mean.
i wont have to take care of random ppl just to feel needed
ill have someone to take care of me
im just going to keep speaking power in Gods direction
& keep beliving
& i know hell prove me right
i believe in magic
& though it seems ive talked to every boy i possibly could at this school
& screwed myself into a corner
there is no one else
i could be wrong
& He is always right
'even if he has to drop one down from the sky
if its in his will he could do that
so my hands are empty
not one sinlge dip
not one single prospect
not one single hope
so when the new guy comes
i will have noooo baggage
but now i just have to keep my eyes on God
& try to please him in all my ways
& pray constantly for strength and patience
study him like i study my books
& distract myself
& i know life will just continue to go up from here
these people have gifts
every service is exactly what i need to hear
its like God speaking to me
telling me "Dont listen to them, youre right"
and i find out all these things ive thought are true
in the bible
that im not wrong
that theres people who understand me
& that Someone loves me
i know i have to let stuff go
today was the first day in a long time i dont feel heart broken
just lonely
but im letting go of everything
all my friends all my previous hobbies
previous love interests
so i have not one single thing in my hand
& just spend my time giving to others
& trying to please God
& i know he has a blessing just waiting for me
an out of this world blessing
bigger than my wildest dreams
or exactly what im dreaming of
ill have a whole new life
ill have my own things to do
separate from the people who have rejexcted me
so ill say "oh no sorry i cant, ive got my own life to live"
not that, but you know what i mean.
i wont have to take care of random ppl just to feel needed
ill have someone to take care of me
im just going to keep speaking power in Gods direction
& keep beliving
& i know hell prove me right
i believe in magic
& though it seems ive talked to every boy i possibly could at this school
& screwed myself into a corner
there is no one else
i could be wrong
& He is always right
'even if he has to drop one down from the sky
if its in his will he could do that
so my hands are empty
not one sinlge dip
not one single prospect
not one single hope
so when the new guy comes
i will have noooo baggage
but now i just have to keep my eyes on God
& try to please him in all my ways
& pray constantly for strength and patience
study him like i study my books
& distract myself
& i know life will just continue to go up from here
conclusion
ive learned a lot
& i see the reasons for a lot
i know everything has its season
& for me..this is a DROUGHT
but i just wanna say that while youre young
im not a grownup. im not 100% mature.
& my desires are that of the average youth
i think its okay & its just a fact
having said all that,
life is boring without friends & boys
its what makes college fun
school & God & family should come first
but getting all dressed up & going out to impress someone
thats fun
i think ive come a long way with being present
but ive also just been
poutting life off
trying to learn it all right now
be all wise
& grow up too fast
i was trying to save myself from pain
but hey, you take the good with the bad
God gives me strength when i have to endure pain
theres no reason to hide & not take any chances
although i am convinced im not gunna meet anyone new here which freaking sucks
theres got to be SOMEONE i dont already know
sigh.
when you dont have any friends to go out with, nothing fun to do
& youre hdiing cause someone ruined your reputation
& you dont like anyone
& no one likes you..
it gets boring
its okay when i have something to destract me
i guess i just need to do what i say im gunna
cause there would b a lot of chjasing to do
if i gave in to my need to be social
i pray God gives me something fun soon
but i have to be patient
sigh. seriously though, right now
thats what you live for. boys. friends.
waking up and having FUN
this will be the last chance i ever get to live this life
so why not actually live it
life is boring without boys.
& i see the reasons for a lot
i know everything has its season
& for me..this is a DROUGHT
but i just wanna say that while youre young
im not a grownup. im not 100% mature.
& my desires are that of the average youth
i think its okay & its just a fact
having said all that,
life is boring without friends & boys
its what makes college fun
school & God & family should come first
but getting all dressed up & going out to impress someone
thats fun
i think ive come a long way with being present
but ive also just been
poutting life off
trying to learn it all right now
be all wise
& grow up too fast
i was trying to save myself from pain
but hey, you take the good with the bad
God gives me strength when i have to endure pain
theres no reason to hide & not take any chances
although i am convinced im not gunna meet anyone new here which freaking sucks
theres got to be SOMEONE i dont already know
sigh.
when you dont have any friends to go out with, nothing fun to do
& youre hdiing cause someone ruined your reputation
& you dont like anyone
& no one likes you..
it gets boring
its okay when i have something to destract me
i guess i just need to do what i say im gunna
cause there would b a lot of chjasing to do
if i gave in to my need to be social
i pray God gives me something fun soon
but i have to be patient
sigh. seriously though, right now
thats what you live for. boys. friends.
waking up and having FUN
this will be the last chance i ever get to live this life
so why not actually live it
life is boring without boys.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
what i know now
& this time ill remember. to be Godly in my reactions to people
to be patient & kind.
& no matter what, not play games
not treat people bad
ever.
& when someone tries to fight with me, stand up for myself
but never retaliate or be rude
i gotta stay conscious.
now i know people fight
\& i gotta remember in that moment when i think "o whats the worst that could happen" or "that wont happen to us"
when i find myself bragging thinking i got someone in check
i need to humble myself & thank god for answering my prayers
& ask him to help me not screw it up
because we dont deserve what we get & qwhen we get cocky we lose it
& you never get a second chance
ill have to remember when i think "i was happier single"
that i wasnt. i cried. a lot. i struggled all the time
just waiting for my chance to get to be wth someone
waiting to forget so i could b surprised
i spend so much time daydreaming im impossible to surprise
ill have to remember. & ask myself why im running
you always fight with someone you care about
i need to be the peacemaker & just not fight
& cherish the person i care about
& just pray to God for an answer of what i should do & to help me calm down & handle it in the right manner
and if i have nothing nice to say say nothing at all
& dont vent to my friends
dont send rude or LONG texts EVER
just wait til were in person
& if i wanna see them, dont hint & get mad or be rude
just say so.
just SAY SO.
or it turns into "heartbreak warfare". seeing as i dont ever wanna be here again,
i just have to look around & memorize my surroundings
*looks around*
i see loneliness. i see regret, empty bed next to me. wishes & hopes.
of what i could have done
dreams of being with someone
LONGING. tears & misery,
thats what i see.
& a little irritation every now & then from not always getting to be with someone exactly when i want
is nothing compared to feeling so unwanted & undesriable
i can handle a little up & down
blah. when i finally find someone
gotta be patient
im working on that
right now, im stalking rosters & facebook
but i know i just gotta give up
i promise guys can just walk outside & find a pretty girl
for me its so rare
once in a blue moon i meet someone i can actually talk to
im officially declaring this a dry spell
so ill just sit here
alone with my new wisdom
til i forget & then God will bless me with someone
sigh. here it goes.
to be patient & kind.
& no matter what, not play games
not treat people bad
ever.
& when someone tries to fight with me, stand up for myself
but never retaliate or be rude
i gotta stay conscious.
now i know people fight
\& i gotta remember in that moment when i think "o whats the worst that could happen" or "that wont happen to us"
when i find myself bragging thinking i got someone in check
i need to humble myself & thank god for answering my prayers
& ask him to help me not screw it up
because we dont deserve what we get & qwhen we get cocky we lose it
& you never get a second chance
ill have to remember when i think "i was happier single"
that i wasnt. i cried. a lot. i struggled all the time
just waiting for my chance to get to be wth someone
waiting to forget so i could b surprised
i spend so much time daydreaming im impossible to surprise
ill have to remember. & ask myself why im running
you always fight with someone you care about
i need to be the peacemaker & just not fight
& cherish the person i care about
& just pray to God for an answer of what i should do & to help me calm down & handle it in the right manner
and if i have nothing nice to say say nothing at all
& dont vent to my friends
dont send rude or LONG texts EVER
just wait til were in person
& if i wanna see them, dont hint & get mad or be rude
just say so.
just SAY SO.
or it turns into "heartbreak warfare". seeing as i dont ever wanna be here again,
i just have to look around & memorize my surroundings
*looks around*
i see loneliness. i see regret, empty bed next to me. wishes & hopes.
of what i could have done
dreams of being with someone
LONGING. tears & misery,
thats what i see.
& a little irritation every now & then from not always getting to be with someone exactly when i want
is nothing compared to feeling so unwanted & undesriable
i can handle a little up & down
blah. when i finally find someone
gotta be patient
im working on that
right now, im stalking rosters & facebook
but i know i just gotta give up
i promise guys can just walk outside & find a pretty girl
for me its so rare
once in a blue moon i meet someone i can actually talk to
im officially declaring this a dry spell
so ill just sit here
alone with my new wisdom
til i forget & then God will bless me with someone
sigh. here it goes.
what i want
now i realize what i get addicted to
not being able to live without e/o
having to be near them
but only if you know they feel the same
knowing you hold someones life in your hands
& the only reason you dont smash it
is because they hold yours too
[im trying not to go roster shopping right now]
anyway, i miss that.,
i cant go back to old stuff
i want someone new & fresh
someone to impress
to go c
to dress up for & know theyre looking
someone who is as obsessed w/me as i am with them
for once i want to be THAT girl to him
some stability. i wanna be somebodys weakness
not being able to live without e/o
having to be near them
but only if you know they feel the same
knowing you hold someones life in your hands
& the only reason you dont smash it
is because they hold yours too
[im trying not to go roster shopping right now]
anyway, i miss that.,
i cant go back to old stuff
i want someone new & fresh
someone to impress
to go c
to dress up for & know theyre looking
someone who is as obsessed w/me as i am with them
for once i want to be THAT girl to him
some stability. i wanna be somebodys weakness
Monday, November 15, 2010
Same old Little Girl
sigh. rough day. mentally.
gotta let go.
thats all i gotta say
the whole crying like a baby thing
its not working for me.
watching Enchanted now
i just wanna feel better
forever
i feel like he won
& i lose
& its just keeps haunting me like a ghost
seems like everyones so happy
& im just a loser
so negative right now, i hate it
but im gunna keep praying
i cant wait til Christmas break
but theres no reason for me to be miserable til then
dont even wanna work out
& its embarrassing
God help me.
gotta let go.
thats all i gotta say
the whole crying like a baby thing
its not working for me.
watching Enchanted now
i just wanna feel better
forever
i feel like he won
& i lose
& its just keeps haunting me like a ghost
seems like everyones so happy
& im just a loser
so negative right now, i hate it
but im gunna keep praying
i cant wait til Christmas break
but theres no reason for me to be miserable til then
dont even wanna work out
& its embarrassing
God help me.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
God have my heart, let me move on
It was such a great week
went shopping today & got some really cute stuff
& im ready for church tomorrow
had my cheat day
definitely ready to go back to eating healthy for sure.
but, being around sonny..
the devil child is talking to this girl i know.
shes pretty
& his ex is still having his baby
& he loves her.
& it hit me
i cant fully commit to God when my heart is with
this boy.
i have to let go. & tell God im ready to b strong & move on
im not lonely, im not
i think if i had anyone else
i wouldnt be worried about him
it just..he gets to move on
& i know i wont
& as right the path i feel i took may be..
& as wrong as he still is
it just..bothers me. cause it feels like he won
but i refuse to believe that God will just let him do it.
I know that being good is the right thing
in my heart i know
so it just shows me that if im still feeling this
like..the fact that he hates me & still thinks im evil
i feel..not pretty
& just...unwanted ya know
but i wont give up hope
i know my dream is waiting for me I know God is in control
he sees what is happening here & hes not sleeping on it
I know hes doing magical things I dont know about
to better me & give me a future
Jeremiah 29:11
I know theres no reason for me to cry. Someone loves me.
its disrespectful to Him for me to sit worrying about the ONE person
that doesnt like me
when so many people do
& when im actually happy without em
i have to give thanks & just stay on the path
it just shows me im not ready
im not a butterfly yet
im still influencible
i gotta get stronger
so i just need to stay to myself
& focus on my responsibilities & growing in Christian character.
I dont wana hurt. dont wanna waste one more day
so from now on, once & for all
i am giving up on this boy.
not for all hes done, but for the fact that he has no love for me
its time to be a big girl & go on with my life
i cant replace him or do any of that I just have to turn to God
its over. i get it.
its time for me to let go. & let God.
went shopping today & got some really cute stuff
& im ready for church tomorrow
had my cheat day
definitely ready to go back to eating healthy for sure.
but, being around sonny..
the devil child is talking to this girl i know.
shes pretty
& his ex is still having his baby
& he loves her.
& it hit me
i cant fully commit to God when my heart is with
this boy.
i have to let go. & tell God im ready to b strong & move on
im not lonely, im not
i think if i had anyone else
i wouldnt be worried about him
it just..he gets to move on
& i know i wont
& as right the path i feel i took may be..
& as wrong as he still is
it just..bothers me. cause it feels like he won
but i refuse to believe that God will just let him do it.
I know that being good is the right thing
in my heart i know
so it just shows me that if im still feeling this
like..the fact that he hates me & still thinks im evil
i feel..not pretty
& just...unwanted ya know
but i wont give up hope
i know my dream is waiting for me I know God is in control
he sees what is happening here & hes not sleeping on it
I know hes doing magical things I dont know about
to better me & give me a future
Jeremiah 29:11
I know theres no reason for me to cry. Someone loves me.
its disrespectful to Him for me to sit worrying about the ONE person
that doesnt like me
when so many people do
& when im actually happy without em
i have to give thanks & just stay on the path
it just shows me im not ready
im not a butterfly yet
im still influencible
i gotta get stronger
so i just need to stay to myself
& focus on my responsibilities & growing in Christian character.
I dont wana hurt. dont wanna waste one more day
so from now on, once & for all
i am giving up on this boy.
not for all hes done, but for the fact that he has no love for me
its time to be a big girl & go on with my life
i cant replace him or do any of that I just have to turn to God
its over. i get it.
its time for me to let go. & let God.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
God's Progress
wow, Hes brought me so far.
been tryna go to Lakewood for a year. I went last Sunday.
I dont ever wanna miss again.
finally texted my friend to meet me there. I love it!
I went tonight too. I just wanna be at church all the time.
Tonight it felt so good when he asked "Who wants there life to change right now?" and I didnt raise my hand.
I dont have any requests. Nothings bothering me. Life is awesome
its how I feel. i feel God inside me. I feel his love
now instead of pursuing the love & approval of man,
which has been my lifes battle
I seek him. But unlike man
when i seek Him, I find Him. He welcomes me
he rewards my faith
I dont have to bite my tongue because He loves me too
& he welcomes my praise
it feels so good.
all the time.
when it starts to go away, i just pray & he comes to my rescue.
i feel so positive. & blessed.
Joel said we have royal blood in our veins because Christ is king
so i hold my head up now
i know im beautiful in Gods eyes
I dont have to search or want anymore
i feel great. I dont need anything
I got a 100 on my math test. I am excited to make my new schedule
havent struggled dieting in a WHILE
i feel so great. so excited to go home & just spend time with family
felt like i worked so much for so long, now is my time of Jubilee
i love God. I listen to christian music at home & in my car
got a book at Church called "The Practice of Godliness" so i can learn more about Him and how to be more like Him. & it really helps.
everythings different. im different.
i dont cry sad tears anymore. i dont miss the devilchild.
sometimes i wish i didnt talk to his cousin because then hed be totally gone from my life & i hate hearing his name
but I know ill be okay & he benefits from me
i know it is my duty to help people
so i can. I just want the devilchild.. idk.
everytime i have a little hope for him, he betrays again
it gets worse & worse
7 im so glad God saved me from that because he is the worst ive ever dealt with
he couldve hurt me worse than he did.
anyway, im doing amazing. Thankful & blessed
I see stars & light for the rest of my life
ive NEVER felt this good
not by the hand of man or even of my own accord
im always alone & im not even lonely
I know i wanna finish school & get my PhD but other than that
im not like..reaching for anything
im right here, right now, chillin
i watch movies & snuggle in my bed
I sleep beautifully
I eat for my health not my mind
it doesnt wander as much AT ALL
& i know that all my pain was worth it to find God & walk with Him
what could be better than this :)
been tryna go to Lakewood for a year. I went last Sunday.
I dont ever wanna miss again.
finally texted my friend to meet me there. I love it!
I went tonight too. I just wanna be at church all the time.
Tonight it felt so good when he asked "Who wants there life to change right now?" and I didnt raise my hand.
I dont have any requests. Nothings bothering me. Life is awesome
its how I feel. i feel God inside me. I feel his love
now instead of pursuing the love & approval of man,
which has been my lifes battle
I seek him. But unlike man
when i seek Him, I find Him. He welcomes me
he rewards my faith
I dont have to bite my tongue because He loves me too
& he welcomes my praise
it feels so good.
all the time.
when it starts to go away, i just pray & he comes to my rescue.
i feel so positive. & blessed.
Joel said we have royal blood in our veins because Christ is king
so i hold my head up now
i know im beautiful in Gods eyes
I dont have to search or want anymore
i feel great. I dont need anything
I got a 100 on my math test. I am excited to make my new schedule
havent struggled dieting in a WHILE
i feel so great. so excited to go home & just spend time with family
felt like i worked so much for so long, now is my time of Jubilee
i love God. I listen to christian music at home & in my car
got a book at Church called "The Practice of Godliness" so i can learn more about Him and how to be more like Him. & it really helps.
everythings different. im different.
i dont cry sad tears anymore. i dont miss the devilchild.
sometimes i wish i didnt talk to his cousin because then hed be totally gone from my life & i hate hearing his name
but I know ill be okay & he benefits from me
i know it is my duty to help people
so i can. I just want the devilchild.. idk.
everytime i have a little hope for him, he betrays again
it gets worse & worse
7 im so glad God saved me from that because he is the worst ive ever dealt with
he couldve hurt me worse than he did.
anyway, im doing amazing. Thankful & blessed
I see stars & light for the rest of my life
ive NEVER felt this good
not by the hand of man or even of my own accord
im always alone & im not even lonely
I know i wanna finish school & get my PhD but other than that
im not like..reaching for anything
im right here, right now, chillin
i watch movies & snuggle in my bed
I sleep beautifully
I eat for my health not my mind
it doesnt wander as much AT ALL
& i know that all my pain was worth it to find God & walk with Him
what could be better than this :)
Unbreakable
its crazy that my favorite Christian band [fireflight] just happens to have a song called unbreakable. here are the lyrics. this is how i feel :)
Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight, can?t face me in the light
They?ll return but I?ll be stronger
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can?t see to reach my destiny?
I want to take control but I know better
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
Forget the fear it?s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight, can?t face me in the light
They?ll return but I?ll be stronger
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can?t see to reach my destiny?
I want to take control but I know better
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
Forget the fear it?s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Best Friends Ever
okay. im gunna give them names. Cousin & Sonny are..the best ever.
i have never ever had anyone stick up for me like them.
today i was going to lunch & i just happened to run into cousin!!
for the first time in a week
apparently he missed me too he did look for me!
i gave him my new #
i prayed..i said God let them know my spirit is with them
& if they need me let them find me
like..i talked to them on the phone just now
i promise they make life better
maybe i dont have to run from them
the devilchild moved out!
so i can go over there as long as hes not there :)
like, idk. i thought about him more today than usual
afterall they are cousins
but i have wanted friends like these my whole life
i cant just dismiss them and live alone & lonely
giving up yet another blessing because of that demonspawn.
i love these boys so freaking much
thank you God.
if i didnt ever say what happened.
the night i found out he got her pregnant
we had a long night
they all spent 3 hours with me while i cried, telling me the truth about him
& that i wasnt stupid or crazy
making me believe that i deserved better
making me laugh
& sonny slept on the couch with me to make sure devilspawn didnt come back
& i changed my # because devilspawn was harrassing me
because sonny was jumping down his throat for what he did to me
ive never had anyone stand up for me like that.
thank you Lord.
im gunna go see them tomorrow :)
i dont have to be alone anymore! finally found some ppl like me.
i love these boys. foreal.
today i realized that this is my answer
i fell for the bait that LED ME TO the angel i asked for
and instead of one, i got 2! [maybe 3lol]
i prayed for companionship
getting my heartbroken was my passage to them. i wouldnt take it back
thank You so much!
i have never ever had anyone stick up for me like them.
today i was going to lunch & i just happened to run into cousin!!
for the first time in a week
apparently he missed me too he did look for me!
i gave him my new #
i prayed..i said God let them know my spirit is with them
& if they need me let them find me
like..i talked to them on the phone just now
i promise they make life better
maybe i dont have to run from them
the devilchild moved out!
so i can go over there as long as hes not there :)
like, idk. i thought about him more today than usual
afterall they are cousins
but i have wanted friends like these my whole life
i cant just dismiss them and live alone & lonely
giving up yet another blessing because of that demonspawn.
i love these boys so freaking much
thank you God.
if i didnt ever say what happened.
the night i found out he got her pregnant
we had a long night
they all spent 3 hours with me while i cried, telling me the truth about him
& that i wasnt stupid or crazy
making me believe that i deserved better
making me laugh
& sonny slept on the couch with me to make sure devilspawn didnt come back
& i changed my # because devilspawn was harrassing me
because sonny was jumping down his throat for what he did to me
ive never had anyone stand up for me like that.
thank you Lord.
im gunna go see them tomorrow :)
i dont have to be alone anymore! finally found some ppl like me.
i love these boys. foreal.
today i realized that this is my answer
i fell for the bait that LED ME TO the angel i asked for
and instead of one, i got 2! [maybe 3lol]
i prayed for companionship
getting my heartbroken was my passage to them. i wouldnt take it back
thank You so much!
lucky
shes so lucky
shes a star
but she cry cry cries in her lonely heart
eh. maybe i just gotta be lonely
i wanna learn to be alone
& not feel that
today was such a great day
got my friend back..randomly
i guess i just been feelin sad
i was tired
& ever since i just been sad
but hey, cant be happy all the time
God knows i want someone..
i still dont right now though to be honest.
seriously, i dont wanna be sad
& i cant trust right now
im not in the mood to get my heart smashed again
theres no point
i do not believe in any of these boys
not one single one.
so, ill pass.
God hears me
shes a star
but she cry cry cries in her lonely heart
eh. maybe i just gotta be lonely
i wanna learn to be alone
& not feel that
today was such a great day
got my friend back..randomly
i guess i just been feelin sad
i was tired
& ever since i just been sad
but hey, cant be happy all the time
God knows i want someone..
i still dont right now though to be honest.
seriously, i dont wanna be sad
& i cant trust right now
im not in the mood to get my heart smashed again
theres no point
i do not believe in any of these boys
not one single one.
so, ill pass.
God hears me
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Company
Sooo I came back to my room. Got school tomorrow
Id rather be at home but Im not on break yet
feels like it lol
Anyway, I read..a little
now im watching Harry Potter & The half Blood prince
by myself but im not lonely
im all cuddled up in the bed
in my own company
& im happy :)
i think i could REALLLLY get used to this!
Id rather be at home but Im not on break yet
feels like it lol
Anyway, I read..a little
now im watching Harry Potter & The half Blood prince
by myself but im not lonely
im all cuddled up in the bed
in my own company
& im happy :)
i think i could REALLLLY get used to this!
Opportunity Knocking
So, Im trying to find a better job
so i dont have to be...like..idk
i wish ym current boss would just not be such a dousche
im scared to get a new jjob
dont wanna lose the one i got and have to work too hard
and hate it even more
& i hate sales
see where God leads me
Ive got an interview at Etheria Salon
& soon enough with premiere promotions
i would prefer the second one
I gotta wait for that one.
Future looks good though :)
so i dont have to be...like..idk
i wish ym current boss would just not be such a dousche
im scared to get a new jjob
dont wanna lose the one i got and have to work too hard
and hate it even more
& i hate sales
see where God leads me
Ive got an interview at Etheria Salon
& soon enough with premiere promotions
i would prefer the second one
I gotta wait for that one.
Future looks good though :)
Monday, November 1, 2010
awesome day
*deep breath* I knew november would be better.
im at home. no work tomorrow.
i hope the day goes by...the slowest EVER
ever.
so i can soak up every second.
get some reading done
& lounge & watch tv.
*deep breath*
exhaling.
finally
im at home. no work tomorrow.
i hope the day goes by...the slowest EVER
ever.
so i can soak up every second.
get some reading done
& lounge & watch tv.
*deep breath*
exhaling.
finally
Avatar The Last Airbender
I love this show.
My brother got me addicted to sponegbob
glad i have something else to watch now yay
at night i thought there was nothing on
my dad got me on this one
Aang looks just like my brother.
My brother got me addicted to sponegbob
glad i have something else to watch now yay
at night i thought there was nothing on
my dad got me on this one
Aang looks just like my brother.
the coccoon
..immediately lol
no but i feel like i was a caterpillar, though somehow "special" relative to the average caterpillar, still not a butterfly
and i held it off as long as i could
trying to belong with the other caterpillars
but i cant just crawl on the ground slinking along pretending i dont know how to fly
so im in my coccoon where outside influences cant disturb me
so my growth can have completely
all at once
& i will re-emerge..a butterfly
no but i feel like i was a caterpillar, though somehow "special" relative to the average caterpillar, still not a butterfly
and i held it off as long as i could
trying to belong with the other caterpillars
but i cant just crawl on the ground slinking along pretending i dont know how to fly
so im in my coccoon where outside influences cant disturb me
so my growth can have completely
all at once
& i will re-emerge..a butterfly
good day!
tests out the way.
not too confident about either but i did the best i could
sometimes when you drop your balls to go chase a boy
its hard to get back juggling
but i tried
& i prayed
hopefully God will grant me grace & ill be able to keep my grades. if not, ill fight to pull them back up.
been trying to just be where i am today & just focus on the task at hand.
for the most part its been easy
i still feel socially withdrawn
but eh, lonely is not the word
just wierd i guess
& now i had like a strange random moment where i would normally cry
cause i feel unorganized & dont know what to do with some spare time
but i didnt. im gunna workout
i need to ill go home after
all i have to do today is turn in my biliography & my articles for the week
then ill be caught up
& if i stick with my faily tasks template, i wont fall behind again, ill stay mostly ahead. which is what i PLAN to do
also, diet is going well so far
i dont mind it
eff food i wanna be ripped.
the boy that i told you about, that kept checkin on me last week
stopped
didnt even text me today after we had class together
i bet he heard
whatever, those a holes will pay for what theyre doing
& im not around it so forget it
ive dealt with much worse scandalism
idk what will happen with the whole social thing
i plan to find other ways to occupy my time
maybe make some new friends elsewhere
or have friends..idk..elsewhere lol
but im ok by myself
just gotta find ways to occupy spare time that i enjoy
i keep thinking about my hair & how long its gunna take to grow
i just want it to be generally long, like medium length
after that it goes by fast
but shoot, the way time flies nowadays
ill wakeup one day & itll be there. no worries
im going to wear it up like..idk..forever.
i want it out of my face & i feel like ppl dont need to be looking at it
i dont wanna attract attention, i know..go figure
i think deep down im wanting to have like this come back
where ive been gone so long & randomly come back with long hair & a new attitude
idk if i can hold out that long
actually. i dont doubt it lol
i am loving this.
i cant think of one single occasion where i would need to remerge
i PLAN to..somewhat after christmas break
or at least reopen my fb account
until then, i feel like im still... [to be continued]
not too confident about either but i did the best i could
sometimes when you drop your balls to go chase a boy
its hard to get back juggling
but i tried
& i prayed
hopefully God will grant me grace & ill be able to keep my grades. if not, ill fight to pull them back up.
been trying to just be where i am today & just focus on the task at hand.
for the most part its been easy
i still feel socially withdrawn
but eh, lonely is not the word
just wierd i guess
& now i had like a strange random moment where i would normally cry
cause i feel unorganized & dont know what to do with some spare time
but i didnt. im gunna workout
i need to ill go home after
all i have to do today is turn in my biliography & my articles for the week
then ill be caught up
& if i stick with my faily tasks template, i wont fall behind again, ill stay mostly ahead. which is what i PLAN to do
also, diet is going well so far
i dont mind it
eff food i wanna be ripped.
the boy that i told you about, that kept checkin on me last week
stopped
didnt even text me today after we had class together
i bet he heard
whatever, those a holes will pay for what theyre doing
& im not around it so forget it
ive dealt with much worse scandalism
idk what will happen with the whole social thing
i plan to find other ways to occupy my time
maybe make some new friends elsewhere
or have friends..idk..elsewhere lol
but im ok by myself
just gotta find ways to occupy spare time that i enjoy
i keep thinking about my hair & how long its gunna take to grow
i just want it to be generally long, like medium length
after that it goes by fast
but shoot, the way time flies nowadays
ill wakeup one day & itll be there. no worries
im going to wear it up like..idk..forever.
i want it out of my face & i feel like ppl dont need to be looking at it
i dont wanna attract attention, i know..go figure
i think deep down im wanting to have like this come back
where ive been gone so long & randomly come back with long hair & a new attitude
idk if i can hold out that long
actually. i dont doubt it lol
i am loving this.
i cant think of one single occasion where i would need to remerge
i PLAN to..somewhat after christmas break
or at least reopen my fb account
until then, i feel like im still... [to be continued]
Sunday, October 31, 2010
diligence
its a virtue.. did u know that?
anyway im pulling a partial all nighter for my bio/soc tests tomorrow
i haaaaave to b familiar with this material. i want As on BOTH.
so i gotta do what it takes to pull it out!
anyway im pulling a partial all nighter for my bio/soc tests tomorrow
i haaaaave to b familiar with this material. i want As on BOTH.
so i gotta do what it takes to pull it out!
psycho-strong
okay, my mind is messed up
my thoughts tell me to do anything & everything to ruin myself
eat stuff im not supposed to eat
be sad over things that arent there anymore
surrounding me with negativity all day
but its not me. its my thoughts.
so eff that./ im gunna fight back.
im going to keep music in my ears. positive music so i will think about that.
instead of my thoughts
read inspirational stuff.
stay as close to God & the bible as i can
& not give into the thoughts.
i talk to myself now.
so why not say positive things
from now on im going to treat myself like i treat others
like a client or a friend
catering to their every need
never letting them settle for less than their best
so when im about to do something i dont wanna do
ill be there for myself to cheer myself on & not let me give up
no one else is gunna do it
fuck it. i wont do it out loud.
but my voluntary thoughts.
the voice that i can control
will be strong.
i can do this. i can fight this negativity.
& i want to be better because of the thingsa ppl have done to me
so when they do see me again
they will think WOW not "aww how sad".
im not going down without a fight.
my thoughts tell me to do anything & everything to ruin myself
eat stuff im not supposed to eat
be sad over things that arent there anymore
surrounding me with negativity all day
but its not me. its my thoughts.
so eff that./ im gunna fight back.
im going to keep music in my ears. positive music so i will think about that.
instead of my thoughts
read inspirational stuff.
stay as close to God & the bible as i can
& not give into the thoughts.
i talk to myself now.
so why not say positive things
from now on im going to treat myself like i treat others
like a client or a friend
catering to their every need
never letting them settle for less than their best
so when im about to do something i dont wanna do
ill be there for myself to cheer myself on & not let me give up
no one else is gunna do it
fuck it. i wont do it out loud.
but my voluntary thoughts.
the voice that i can control
will be strong.
i can do this. i can fight this negativity.
& i want to be better because of the thingsa ppl have done to me
so when they do see me again
they will think WOW not "aww how sad".
im not going down without a fight.
Invisible
thats how i feel most the time.
i feel like an alien on a planet of strange beings.
when does it end.
i feel like an alien on a planet of strange beings.
when does it end.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
week almost over
& im making it.
idc what anyone says, though no ones dared say it to me
i keep how i feel & what i am locked in
i believe in magic. God is magic.
he still does wonders if you look, or if you ask with faith in your heart
he will perform wonders for you.
i feel like what im doing is separating myself from all the distractions
so he can mold me into who he wants me to be, not who theyve made me
or who i let them make me
i dont wanna be the same
ill keep the good stuff, and just forget the bad
i wanna be better.
i feel like my values & my beliefs in my heart dont go along with what i do
how i look who i chill with
how i act
im so close to God and can you tell? no.
that has to change.
i want people to be able to feel it. and by looking at me, know that i am holy
i wanna be like Him, not them.
my tragic flaw was that i loved people
i did. my brothers & sisters. i saw the good & felt their pain.
i put myself in their shoes, but they dont fit.
i dont know how or why, but i know im not completely one of them
theres either something that IS in me or ISNT, that sets me apart.
i dont have a mean bone in my body, not consciously
though i know i have the power to hurt
i wanted to save them. but i saw the wrong victims
i havent found the people im to save yet
i think what i really need to do is get stronger & set a good example
& grow the hell up. i cant be putting my business out there on twitter & fb
people wont look up to me if they feel like im THAT much like them
i wont b able to reach the people i need to
either way, i just wanna be more like God made me
instead of all worldified.
i feel so disgusting sometimes
&stupid..like ill never recover from the injustice i just went thru
and my name in shambles
but eff my name. why should i care what they think
those that matter will see that He walks with me
those that dont, will be handled
i will not fear man anymore.
although no man will touch me.
& i cant wait til its been so long that they notice..
hey, none of us have touched her
i dont wanna glorify the dogs and the perpetrators
but I know God will deliver them into my hands
i will not grant them amnesty this time. no. im done with that.
im on my me ish right now.
im actually really looking for a church to get involved in.
i wanna go to Lakewood but im still a little squeemish and they make it so datgum hard to get to. i want something big so i have some anonymity. but not so big i cant park. id like to get involved in a youth group or bible study.
surround myself with more like minded people.
as for me. ive turned a new leaf. im gunna be me now.
im not sexy. im not sexUAL. im not that. i dont believe in that,
actually, i believe in modesty, love.
and i dont care what PEOPLE who THINK they know me think.
they dont know me.
i know in my heart...i am innocent.
im a little girl whos been doing grownup stuff trying to find love
but forget that, i see it now. way too late but its never too late to
turn to the light side foreal.
im pretty sure its been a month. if not, whatever cause its gunna be a WHILE
i dont even wanna let anyone get close enough to me.
to even ask.
and i think i ought to tell them ahead of time so they can get out if they want
but i gotta keep getting stronger
so my will will be strong enough to resist pressure
from anyone and not be broken
i wont even THINK about it
thats what i want.
to be so close to God that i can bring ppl closer thru me
but they cant pull me further from him
i thought id take a little break from the social world and then hop back in
but..i really just dont see that happening
i dont feel any different
im getting better without them
why go back to the place of my affliction.
even though i know eventually if i do return,
God will make me fruitful there.
Ephraim.
thats all i care about right now.
family will be my entertainment.
God. school. fitness.
ill watch movies for fun. go out & be in nature. idk
discover some new things about myself.
anyway..once octobers over, i have 4 days off in a row:) SWEEEETNESSSS
i hope people wonder where i am. i hope they think i switched schools. i hope months go by & when i reemerge they dont recognize me. & i hope some people who neve rthought theyd miss me, notice a gaping hole in their lives. i hope they feel my absence like darkness around them & i hope it thickens with the realization that if they wanted to find me, they couldnt.
only like 20 ppl even have my number now.
idc bout nothin. ive got a few obligations left. after that. SY-YA-FREAKIN-NARA
FREE AT LAST
thank you God. i love this,
he has healed me
if ever im unhappy,
its usually not because of the devil child. i actually rarely think of him.
i do want to improve on somethings though
i)complaining. all the time. so negative.
ii)talking to much. i wanna take a vow of silence & just listen. it doesnt help me to talk. but it could help other people for me to listen. i think i should get used to the silence.
iii) stop procrastinating & work on keeping commitments
iv)theres only a small part that still cares what ppl think. ppl like my aunt..& its because some of its true. i have somethings id like to fix. mostly i just want to stop telling people about me. & what i think. i dont really want to have opinions. i think now would be a great time to find & finally read A Course in Miracles.
idc what anyone says, though no ones dared say it to me
i keep how i feel & what i am locked in
i believe in magic. God is magic.
he still does wonders if you look, or if you ask with faith in your heart
he will perform wonders for you.
i feel like what im doing is separating myself from all the distractions
so he can mold me into who he wants me to be, not who theyve made me
or who i let them make me
i dont wanna be the same
ill keep the good stuff, and just forget the bad
i wanna be better.
i feel like my values & my beliefs in my heart dont go along with what i do
how i look who i chill with
how i act
im so close to God and can you tell? no.
that has to change.
i want people to be able to feel it. and by looking at me, know that i am holy
i wanna be like Him, not them.
my tragic flaw was that i loved people
i did. my brothers & sisters. i saw the good & felt their pain.
i put myself in their shoes, but they dont fit.
i dont know how or why, but i know im not completely one of them
theres either something that IS in me or ISNT, that sets me apart.
i dont have a mean bone in my body, not consciously
though i know i have the power to hurt
i wanted to save them. but i saw the wrong victims
i havent found the people im to save yet
i think what i really need to do is get stronger & set a good example
& grow the hell up. i cant be putting my business out there on twitter & fb
people wont look up to me if they feel like im THAT much like them
i wont b able to reach the people i need to
either way, i just wanna be more like God made me
instead of all worldified.
i feel so disgusting sometimes
&stupid..like ill never recover from the injustice i just went thru
and my name in shambles
but eff my name. why should i care what they think
those that matter will see that He walks with me
those that dont, will be handled
i will not fear man anymore.
although no man will touch me.
& i cant wait til its been so long that they notice..
hey, none of us have touched her
i dont wanna glorify the dogs and the perpetrators
but I know God will deliver them into my hands
i will not grant them amnesty this time. no. im done with that.
im on my me ish right now.
im actually really looking for a church to get involved in.
i wanna go to Lakewood but im still a little squeemish and they make it so datgum hard to get to. i want something big so i have some anonymity. but not so big i cant park. id like to get involved in a youth group or bible study.
surround myself with more like minded people.
as for me. ive turned a new leaf. im gunna be me now.
im not sexy. im not sexUAL. im not that. i dont believe in that,
actually, i believe in modesty, love.
and i dont care what PEOPLE who THINK they know me think.
they dont know me.
i know in my heart...i am innocent.
im a little girl whos been doing grownup stuff trying to find love
but forget that, i see it now. way too late but its never too late to
turn to the light side foreal.
im pretty sure its been a month. if not, whatever cause its gunna be a WHILE
i dont even wanna let anyone get close enough to me.
to even ask.
and i think i ought to tell them ahead of time so they can get out if they want
but i gotta keep getting stronger
so my will will be strong enough to resist pressure
from anyone and not be broken
i wont even THINK about it
thats what i want.
to be so close to God that i can bring ppl closer thru me
but they cant pull me further from him
i thought id take a little break from the social world and then hop back in
but..i really just dont see that happening
i dont feel any different
im getting better without them
why go back to the place of my affliction.
even though i know eventually if i do return,
God will make me fruitful there.
Ephraim.
thats all i care about right now.
family will be my entertainment.
God. school. fitness.
ill watch movies for fun. go out & be in nature. idk
discover some new things about myself.
anyway..once octobers over, i have 4 days off in a row:) SWEEEETNESSSS
i hope people wonder where i am. i hope they think i switched schools. i hope months go by & when i reemerge they dont recognize me. & i hope some people who neve rthought theyd miss me, notice a gaping hole in their lives. i hope they feel my absence like darkness around them & i hope it thickens with the realization that if they wanted to find me, they couldnt.
only like 20 ppl even have my number now.
idc bout nothin. ive got a few obligations left. after that. SY-YA-FREAKIN-NARA
FREE AT LAST
thank you God. i love this,
he has healed me
if ever im unhappy,
its usually not because of the devil child. i actually rarely think of him.
i do want to improve on somethings though
i)complaining. all the time. so negative.
ii)talking to much. i wanna take a vow of silence & just listen. it doesnt help me to talk. but it could help other people for me to listen. i think i should get used to the silence.
iii) stop procrastinating & work on keeping commitments
iv)theres only a small part that still cares what ppl think. ppl like my aunt..& its because some of its true. i have somethings id like to fix. mostly i just want to stop telling people about me. & what i think. i dont really want to have opinions. i think now would be a great time to find & finally read A Course in Miracles.
Beauty from Pain
this is damn anthem. hands down. forever. [and most likely my next tat]
Superchic(K) Beauty from pain.
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Superchic(K) Beauty from pain.
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Im Awake & Im Alive
Pandora- Fireflight
Awake & ALive by Skillet
Christian Music. I love it.
http://mp3lyrics.org/7Urv
Lyrics Language: English
Tweet this Song
Follow Mp3Lyrics on Twitter 0
Skillet Awake and Alive Lyrics:
[V1]
I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last
[Chorus]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want
'cause this is my life
here, right now
I'll stand my ground and
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/7Urv ]
never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive
[V2]
I'm at war with the world cause I
ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't
be bought or sold
When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again
[Bridge]
Waking up waking up
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you
breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that
I will give to you
Forever I will live for you
Lyrics: Awake and Alive, Skillet [end]
Awake & ALive by Skillet
Christian Music. I love it.
http://mp3lyrics.org/7Urv
Lyrics Language: English
Tweet this Song
Follow Mp3Lyrics on Twitter 0
Skillet Awake and Alive Lyrics:
[V1]
I'm at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slippin' from your arms
It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last
[Chorus]
I'm awake I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want
'cause this is my life
here, right now
I'll stand my ground and
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/7Urv ]
never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake and I'm alive
[V2]
I'm at war with the world cause I
ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what I can't
be bought or sold
When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again
[Bridge]
Waking up waking up
In the dark
I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms I feel you
breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that
I will give to you
Forever I will live for you
Lyrics: Awake and Alive, Skillet [end]
FUCK october
worst month of the year.
hands down.
cannot WAIT til its over.
monday.
test @ 9am
then at 10am
bibliography for my paper in HETC due.
get outa class @ 230 & i think im gunna workout & go straight home.
CANT FUCKING WAIT.
fuck october.
hands down.
cannot WAIT til its over.
monday.
test @ 9am
then at 10am
bibliography for my paper in HETC due.
get outa class @ 230 & i think im gunna workout & go straight home.
CANT FUCKING WAIT.
fuck october.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Death
I am...so different.
That night, when I cried my eyes out like a baby...i havent hurt that much or felt that much betrayal and pain since my ex had sex with my best friend.
So many times Ive lied to myself.
So many times i believed in someone based on the rare occasions
and some of the things they said
instead of their actions
and the most frequent offenses
so many times..every fucking day
i give and give and give
searching for love for so long
taking on the pain of the world
getting a thank you..like...once a month at MOST.
that night..it all came to a head.
ive been a victim too long i cant do it.
something inside me DIED.
& i cant bring it back to life.
i dont want to.
now i just want to be alone.
i see everyone as my enemy i do hope that part faDES
BUT...i dont wanna be who i was.
and i dont wanna hear ppls mouths
cause they didnt appreciate me before
eff them.
cause im not doing anything wrong.
i do not like college kids,.
except for the very rare sweet people
i dont care who l;ikes me, dislikes me
i dont give a damn if they HATE me
i do not care.
and no one will touch me. i dont even want them looking at me
ESPECIALLY boys.
as of now, in my mind, i have like 1 friend.
then i have fans.
and everyone else is just.. another taker with their hand out.
family. school. fitness. work to maintain.
thats it.
its gunna take a miracle to bring back a positive spirit in me
cause im a cinic right now. & a pessimist.
allllll i believe in is God.,
so my miracles coming. but meanwhile, eff faking it.
its about me right now.
That night, when I cried my eyes out like a baby...i havent hurt that much or felt that much betrayal and pain since my ex had sex with my best friend.
So many times Ive lied to myself.
So many times i believed in someone based on the rare occasions
and some of the things they said
instead of their actions
and the most frequent offenses
so many times..every fucking day
i give and give and give
searching for love for so long
taking on the pain of the world
getting a thank you..like...once a month at MOST.
that night..it all came to a head.
ive been a victim too long i cant do it.
something inside me DIED.
& i cant bring it back to life.
i dont want to.
now i just want to be alone.
i see everyone as my enemy i do hope that part faDES
BUT...i dont wanna be who i was.
and i dont wanna hear ppls mouths
cause they didnt appreciate me before
eff them.
cause im not doing anything wrong.
i do not like college kids,.
except for the very rare sweet people
i dont care who l;ikes me, dislikes me
i dont give a damn if they HATE me
i do not care.
and no one will touch me. i dont even want them looking at me
ESPECIALLY boys.
as of now, in my mind, i have like 1 friend.
then i have fans.
and everyone else is just.. another taker with their hand out.
family. school. fitness. work to maintain.
thats it.
its gunna take a miracle to bring back a positive spirit in me
cause im a cinic right now. & a pessimist.
allllll i believe in is God.,
so my miracles coming. but meanwhile, eff faking it.
its about me right now.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
bored to tears
okay now im noticing.
no one texts. i wont text anyone.
facebooks boring even if i was on it
nothing to do nowhere to go
nowhere i wanna go
all i do is study & work
today was a wierd day
i feel off
and im sick of studying :(
but my grades are the only evidence of any of the hard work i do if i lose them
shit i just dont want to
looked at my boys on fb real quick
just to see their faces
adorable asses
anyway..idk i might go home this weekend
i been thinking bout food all bloody day. but i didnt eat anything i wanted to.
just green beans and almonds that wasnt listed but it aint bad
i know soemwhere deep inside if i am dieting & working out in my sleep
later on ill look up & go HEYYYY I LOOK AWESOME!
and that would b a nice feeling
i work so hard
and so much
i dont see any of the rewards
my whole life is work
i want something to be worth it,
anyway. ok ok i been stalling for 4 hours. ill study now
im bored to TEARS
but im trying to get the reading done then i can watch a movie
if i can watch movies i think ill b ok being antisocial.
though i might go home evry weekend just to be around ppl
no one texts. i wont text anyone.
facebooks boring even if i was on it
nothing to do nowhere to go
nowhere i wanna go
all i do is study & work
today was a wierd day
i feel off
and im sick of studying :(
but my grades are the only evidence of any of the hard work i do if i lose them
shit i just dont want to
looked at my boys on fb real quick
just to see their faces
adorable asses
anyway..idk i might go home this weekend
i been thinking bout food all bloody day. but i didnt eat anything i wanted to.
just green beans and almonds that wasnt listed but it aint bad
i know soemwhere deep inside if i am dieting & working out in my sleep
later on ill look up & go HEYYYY I LOOK AWESOME!
and that would b a nice feeling
i work so hard
and so much
i dont see any of the rewards
my whole life is work
i want something to be worth it,
anyway. ok ok i been stalling for 4 hours. ill study now
im bored to TEARS
but im trying to get the reading done then i can watch a movie
if i can watch movies i think ill b ok being antisocial.
though i might go home evry weekend just to be around ppl
PSALMS 69 - prayer for times of stress
Psalm 69
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
4 Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.
5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
6 May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me,
O Lord, the LORD Almighty;
may those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me,
O God of Israel.
7 For I endure scorn for your sake,
and shame covers my face.
8 I am a stranger to my brothers,
an alien to my own mother's sons;
9 for zeal for your house consumes me,
and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.
10 When I weep and fast,
I must endure scorn;
11 when I put on sackcloth,
people make sport of me.
12 Those who sit at the gate mock me,
and I am the song of the drunkards.
13 But I pray to you, O LORD,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.
14 Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.
15 Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.
16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.
17 Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
18 Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foes.
19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.
20 Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none.
21 They put gall in my food
and gave me vinegar for my thirst.
22 May the table set before them become a snare;
may it become retribution and [a] a trap.
23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see,
and their backs be bent forever.
24 Pour out your wrath on them;
let your fierce anger overtake them.
25 May their place be deserted;
let there be no one to dwell in their tents.
26 For they persecute those you wound
and talk about the pain of those you hurt.
27 Charge them with crime upon crime;
do not let them share in your salvation.
28 May they be blotted out of the book of life
and not be listed with the righteous.
29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.
30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.
32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.
34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,
35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;
36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God.
4 Those who hate me without reason
outnumber the hairs of my head;
many are my enemies without cause,
those who seek to destroy me.
I am forced to restore
what I did not steal.
5 You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
6 May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me,
O Lord, the LORD Almighty;
may those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me,
O God of Israel.
7 For I endure scorn for your sake,
and shame covers my face.
8 I am a stranger to my brothers,
an alien to my own mother's sons;
9 for zeal for your house consumes me,
and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.
10 When I weep and fast,
I must endure scorn;
11 when I put on sackcloth,
people make sport of me.
12 Those who sit at the gate mock me,
and I am the song of the drunkards.
13 But I pray to you, O LORD,
in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.
14 Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.
15 Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.
16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.
17 Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
18 Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foes.
19 You know how I am scorned, disgraced and shamed;
all my enemies are before you.
20 Scorn has broken my heart
and has left me helpless;
I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
for comforters, but I found none.
21 They put gall in my food
and gave me vinegar for my thirst.
22 May the table set before them become a snare;
may it become retribution and [a] a trap.
23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see,
and their backs be bent forever.
24 Pour out your wrath on them;
let your fierce anger overtake them.
25 May their place be deserted;
let there be no one to dwell in their tents.
26 For they persecute those you wound
and talk about the pain of those you hurt.
27 Charge them with crime upon crime;
do not let them share in your salvation.
28 May they be blotted out of the book of life
and not be listed with the righteous.
29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.
30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.
32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.
34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,
35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;
36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there.
anxiety
yesterday was such a good day. & today i woke up extra happy
went to work happy
but as soon as i step into the doors
it fades
i hate it. & idk why like..i could stand it before
now i hate evrything about it just being there makes me like..negative
i ranted all day. all i did was talk shit
i need to stop gossipping. forever
its going to be hard to stop again
but ill pray for God to help me.
i keep having these anxiety attacks
i dont like a lot of people around me
& when ppl just SURROUND me. all talking, or askingfor something
especially strangers
or people im not close to
i dont like them in my space and i freak
i HATE people right now
i dont want them to be around me
i dont want to give them what they want
i want nothing to do with them
ive been serving people so long
i dont want to anymore
& i feel trapped & overwhelmed. i found a prayer. ill post that next
went to work happy
but as soon as i step into the doors
it fades
i hate it. & idk why like..i could stand it before
now i hate evrything about it just being there makes me like..negative
i ranted all day. all i did was talk shit
i need to stop gossipping. forever
its going to be hard to stop again
but ill pray for God to help me.
i keep having these anxiety attacks
i dont like a lot of people around me
& when ppl just SURROUND me. all talking, or askingfor something
especially strangers
or people im not close to
i dont like them in my space and i freak
i HATE people right now
i dont want them to be around me
i dont want to give them what they want
i want nothing to do with them
ive been serving people so long
i dont want to anymore
& i feel trapped & overwhelmed. i found a prayer. ill post that next
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
ADHD
i took my damn medicine at like 11 today. 1030 or something like that.
it should not be wearing off at all.
but alas, i am hyper as shit. its so hard to focus!
im glad i prayed about this earlier
this happens when you hurt yourself or get hurt [injury]
you get tired of being locked up in your room & you want to play
so i prayed that when i get bored [inevitable] God would help me
not get complacent
& stay put. & continue.
even when i feel strong
i need to stay on the bench because im not 100% yet
im not protected & if i leave my protected place
God cant..not cant, he WONT protect me from breaking again
because i need to be patient
& when im not, and i dont pray for patience,
i get myself into trouble.
so now is a chance to NOT do what i always do.
to NOT jump right back into the fire when my burns start to heal
& NOT subject myself to injury too quick
heres my chance to develop patience
& learn not to get bored
i could entertain myself id love to go get a movie
but i need to study. this would b such great time to get on track & make the rest of this week less stressful
so i need to use this time
normally id be impulsive, text someone im not supposed to b tlaking to yet
or initiate a convo out of thirst
look for a boy to entertain me
but im trying to iliminate all thirst.
i dont want to want i dont want to need
so im giving it to God im going to pray for patience
and focus. may i be an example for myself
and keep track of this cause God answers
by GOD i will get this reading done by tonight
unlike all the other nights
& get on track so i wont be stressing
ive got 2 tests and a paper bibliography due on monday
while everyones out for halloween ill be studying
which i dont really mind actually.
gotta focus though
no time to be jumpin around
im just gunna say. theres a boy i have been thinking about.
that i plan to try really hard to steer clear of. i dont want to like anyone. i dont want to give anyone power over me
they all pretend to be nice
and what they say sounds real good.
he texts me when im not in class.
every morning actually.
hes checked on me everyday since i told em i was sick
offered to bring me soup
and this wknd when i told em i wasnt going out he offered to come c me
he found me on fb the first day of school & told me i was pretty
hes always sweet. but you know what
EFF THAT!!!!
cause they all start out sweet. hes a football player.
ill never touch another.
dont need them talking about me more.
hell make me think of the devil.
i dont want anyone. anymore.
& the fact that im thinking about texting him makes me see.
im not ready to play.
i cant come off the bench until my need and desire to play is gone.
then ill simply leave the bench and if im called in the game ok
but if not, ill go about life.
it should not be wearing off at all.
but alas, i am hyper as shit. its so hard to focus!
im glad i prayed about this earlier
this happens when you hurt yourself or get hurt [injury]
you get tired of being locked up in your room & you want to play
so i prayed that when i get bored [inevitable] God would help me
not get complacent
& stay put. & continue.
even when i feel strong
i need to stay on the bench because im not 100% yet
im not protected & if i leave my protected place
God cant..not cant, he WONT protect me from breaking again
because i need to be patient
& when im not, and i dont pray for patience,
i get myself into trouble.
so now is a chance to NOT do what i always do.
to NOT jump right back into the fire when my burns start to heal
& NOT subject myself to injury too quick
heres my chance to develop patience
& learn not to get bored
i could entertain myself id love to go get a movie
but i need to study. this would b such great time to get on track & make the rest of this week less stressful
so i need to use this time
normally id be impulsive, text someone im not supposed to b tlaking to yet
or initiate a convo out of thirst
look for a boy to entertain me
but im trying to iliminate all thirst.
i dont want to want i dont want to need
so im giving it to God im going to pray for patience
and focus. may i be an example for myself
and keep track of this cause God answers
by GOD i will get this reading done by tonight
unlike all the other nights
& get on track so i wont be stressing
ive got 2 tests and a paper bibliography due on monday
while everyones out for halloween ill be studying
which i dont really mind actually.
gotta focus though
no time to be jumpin around
im just gunna say. theres a boy i have been thinking about.
that i plan to try really hard to steer clear of. i dont want to like anyone. i dont want to give anyone power over me
they all pretend to be nice
and what they say sounds real good.
he texts me when im not in class.
every morning actually.
hes checked on me everyday since i told em i was sick
offered to bring me soup
and this wknd when i told em i wasnt going out he offered to come c me
he found me on fb the first day of school & told me i was pretty
hes always sweet. but you know what
EFF THAT!!!!
cause they all start out sweet. hes a football player.
ill never touch another.
dont need them talking about me more.
hell make me think of the devil.
i dont want anyone. anymore.
& the fact that im thinking about texting him makes me see.
im not ready to play.
i cant come off the bench until my need and desire to play is gone.
then ill simply leave the bench and if im called in the game ok
but if not, ill go about life.
in laymans terms..the actual plan
hiding. well, not hiding.
im not scared anymore.
but think of it like this.
if you break your ankle playing basketball...
1)you can no longer play basketball
2) you must break it back into place, and brace it
3)you still have to walk on it, just protect it from further irritation or injury
a)if you come off the bench too soon you might get hurt again and NEVER be able to play basketball again
-you have to protect it from further injury and let it HEAL.
a broken heart is worse. people cant see it. they dont watch out for you. no one would kick a broken ankle in a cast or knock down someone on crutches but ppl will pick at someone with a broken heart. if you expose your weakness they make it worse. so you have to hide it. & if you come out of rest too soon, it will most likely be rebroken again and take longer to heal.
the best is to cover it up, and just...rest. keep it out of peoples hands so they cant make it worse. Give God space and time to heal it.
so thats what im doing.
changed my # to prevent further injury from the source. so even if he wants to find me he cant. and avoiding him in public or private places, anywhere he might be. and anyone who connects me to or reminds me of him. & just focusing on the rest of life.
i cant see myself partying with these people anymore. why? idk who to trust. its kind of relieving to have no one to impress itll save me money. & if i like to dance ill dance in my room. if i dont play i wont get hurt. and its not fun anyway. so..idk how long. as long as i feel like..i think a month or so would be good. til my papers are all turned in and my tests are over.
fb is deactivated, not getting on twitter.
i mean i wanna win thebb.com contest and fb would help but idk if its my time & i just..its not worth everything else & getting all distracted right now my grades are the one thing ive done right that i said i would do that i might actually come thru on which could change my LIFE mentally, and increase my trust inmyself. and get me more $ for next year, raise my gpa, just..nothing but positives. so schools my main priority right now. i wanna study.
and be on track and not stress.
and not worry bout nobody but me which feels great.
i dont feel bad because they dont worry bout me and i dont ask them to,
the more independent i get and used to myself
the more i learn to like and love myself
the better people will treat me in the future
the less ill need them
i need to stay away.
especially from the boys.
until i absolutely have no feelings for the devil child
no inclination to speak to or see him
til he means absolutely nothing to me
i think the only way to know this for sure is if i could move on
without feeling like im giving up the chance to be with him
i cannot play ...
at all, until i am fully healed
i never let anything fully heal
i always jump right back into the game
im impatient
im trying to eliminate all distractiosn and let God make me into any awesome person
so im going to focus on school
try to find other fun things to do besides going out
workout
& just..live life for ME and thats it
ill eb there when ppl need me
but im not going out of my way
or even offering the milk
unless they specifically need something
that only i can give
if its not too much trouble
i dont plan on being around
im not going to c anyone spend time with anyone
got one last bday and im done
everyone else gets a happy bday and thats it
period.
ill come out when God tells me to.
& i cant imagine it being like before.
im ready for something else
som ething more fulfilling.
social life isnt life
its death.
im not scared anymore.
but think of it like this.
if you break your ankle playing basketball...
1)you can no longer play basketball
2) you must break it back into place, and brace it
3)you still have to walk on it, just protect it from further irritation or injury
a)if you come off the bench too soon you might get hurt again and NEVER be able to play basketball again
-you have to protect it from further injury and let it HEAL.
a broken heart is worse. people cant see it. they dont watch out for you. no one would kick a broken ankle in a cast or knock down someone on crutches but ppl will pick at someone with a broken heart. if you expose your weakness they make it worse. so you have to hide it. & if you come out of rest too soon, it will most likely be rebroken again and take longer to heal.
the best is to cover it up, and just...rest. keep it out of peoples hands so they cant make it worse. Give God space and time to heal it.
so thats what im doing.
changed my # to prevent further injury from the source. so even if he wants to find me he cant. and avoiding him in public or private places, anywhere he might be. and anyone who connects me to or reminds me of him. & just focusing on the rest of life.
i cant see myself partying with these people anymore. why? idk who to trust. its kind of relieving to have no one to impress itll save me money. & if i like to dance ill dance in my room. if i dont play i wont get hurt. and its not fun anyway. so..idk how long. as long as i feel like..i think a month or so would be good. til my papers are all turned in and my tests are over.
fb is deactivated, not getting on twitter.
i mean i wanna win thebb.com contest and fb would help but idk if its my time & i just..its not worth everything else & getting all distracted right now my grades are the one thing ive done right that i said i would do that i might actually come thru on which could change my LIFE mentally, and increase my trust inmyself. and get me more $ for next year, raise my gpa, just..nothing but positives. so schools my main priority right now. i wanna study.
and be on track and not stress.
and not worry bout nobody but me which feels great.
i dont feel bad because they dont worry bout me and i dont ask them to,
the more independent i get and used to myself
the more i learn to like and love myself
the better people will treat me in the future
the less ill need them
i need to stay away.
especially from the boys.
until i absolutely have no feelings for the devil child
no inclination to speak to or see him
til he means absolutely nothing to me
i think the only way to know this for sure is if i could move on
without feeling like im giving up the chance to be with him
i cannot play ...
at all, until i am fully healed
i never let anything fully heal
i always jump right back into the game
im impatient
im trying to eliminate all distractiosn and let God make me into any awesome person
so im going to focus on school
try to find other fun things to do besides going out
workout
& just..live life for ME and thats it
ill eb there when ppl need me
but im not going out of my way
or even offering the milk
unless they specifically need something
that only i can give
if its not too much trouble
i dont plan on being around
im not going to c anyone spend time with anyone
got one last bday and im done
everyone else gets a happy bday and thats it
period.
ill come out when God tells me to.
& i cant imagine it being like before.
im ready for something else
som ething more fulfilling.
social life isnt life
its death.
Once a Good Girl Really Goes Bad
today was a loooottt better than yday.
it was hump day.
a day i usually love.
cause i get to go socialize and let everyone see me
have everyone callin my name and feel popular
dance a little.
the UC, a place to congregate. where you almost always see someone you know
i heard my song blaring
i walked as fast as i could into the caf i knew no one would b there
i ate my lunch & wrote in a book about the things i was grateful for
i need some me time
some extended me time
i realize now..ive spent my life tryna belong.
tryna make ppl like me. make em see the good in me i knew was there,
but it wasnt good enough for me
i never fully acknowledged the good in MYSELF
always seeing it in others
all ive ever cared about, whether id admit it or not
is how others saw me
always thinking, no matter how many ppl absolutely hate me,
most ppl who meet me think im purpose
having this wierd pseudo-celebrity status
where ppl think so highly of you
they wont really get close to you
they think you dont have feelings
& when they see a weakness they jump on it like rabies squirrels on a nut
[that was a fantastic simile]
but anyway. ive been obsessed with having friends
being loved
earning approving
fitting in
always tryna find someone who cared as much as i do
actin like a little kid,
no. i CHOOSE not to be nieve anymore
believing something doesnt make it true
ppl r evil.
seeing the good in them will get you killed
i leave myself as open pray by being this bleeding heart
in a see full of sharks
seriously. who am i helping?
im making bad people into monsters
turning everyone into greedy horders.
its not acceptable.
ive always had this sense of respnsibility
every since 11th grade..to save the world
to use my gifts to save the world.but not just the world
teenagers. but ive been "saving" the wrong ones
the spoiled brats who need punishment
giving them a shoulder to lean on
absorbing everyones pain. so im ALWAYS in pain. trying to prevent others from ever having to go thru what i do
always giving ppl what they want.
treating the world like my child
all sacrificing
anything to feel loved. no,
not anymore.
ive always know there was a compromise
either i learn to accept that they dont care and stop doign what im doing
or keep doing what im doing & just be more understanding of the fact that they dont care
now im seeing both sides. i never though id break.
thought id keep taking shit forever,
forever doomed to be this martar, this victim. no.
cause im not helping anyone in a way that they really need it.
the part of me helping ppl, God will send them to me
& put me in a place where the ppl that NEED me can be reached.
here...these are the regular, guilty, evil selfish hearted people
they dont need to be given MORE
they dont need anyone to feel sorry for them and
politely lie down so they can walk their dirty feet across me.
i am allowed to look out for myself. maybe my calling is not RIGHT NOW.
maybe this is a stage where im allowed to grow & develop into that person
& i need to protect the heart thats going to help THOSE ppl one day.
i gotta make it there first.
i mean i understand trying to be all i can be
but I dont think God wants me to be a pansy
I asked him to harden my heart & i think thats what hes doing
i wouldnt intentionally hurt someone.
im still not evil. not one bit.
just a little more apathetic & less blind.
less romantic THANK GOD!
now i see that these are children foreal. ungrateful children that have to grow on their own i cant expect them to think and behave like decent people that some of them will never evn become
i dont have to give away my milk for free the world has no shortage of milk
& people mooch enough they take enough they dont need to be given anymore
so im sucking up every last drop of milk into the deepest trenches of my being
God has the key to a double vaulted safe that its in
someone will have to seriously look for Him & then show EFFORT to get in now
i mean im going to be celibate. foreal.
i never wanted to do half the shit i did. i did it cause i thought ppl would stay
i thought ppl would c me going against my will for them
i thought sleeping in that hospital bed would make him see that i was oging to be there for him, something a normal GOOD person would value.
i thought beiong the only one to be their for my friends bday would b good..
thought she deserved it. no one deserves shit.
seriously., i see no good in anyone now. theyre going to have to show me
that theyre not like everyone else.
im not gunna walk around talking about how one deep i am
im not gunna walk around at all
im not gunna make boys jump thru hoops to make myself feel good when i have absolutely no intention of them ever winning
im not gunna make statuses and develop this identity as this person
thoough i am going to become strong & i will hold onto that.
this is a battle inside me., im thru talking
im gunna just live what i believe & ppl will either see or they wont
but it wont matter. because in my heart ill b happy with myself
& know that God is with me and what else matters?>
too long ive looked to people for the answer.
they cant undo my childhood neglect. they cant make my parents love me
or make up for that
no one can undo the hurt ppl have caused me except God
& then once its all better, i can protect myself from further injury
by not putting myself in dangerous situations anymore
i gotta see signs and be real with myself
i dont want to fall in love
dont want a click
dont want to be popular
i dont give a damn who likes me or doesnt
cause what do i get out of friendships with these ppl?
birthdays to remember only for mine to be forgotten
whining to listen to
a tired as shoulder from crying faces slobbering all over it
lowkey jealous ass comments tryna make me feel bad
demands and no thank yous
texts and calls to wait for
hopes to get up and be let down?
no fucking thank you im done chasing
peopple make me feel more & more empty
ive yet to find someone to be able to hold out the pleasant surprise
foreal.
what do they geT?
anything & everything they want
someone they can call on 24-7
that will defend them no matter what
& walk on tippy toes as not to hurt them
all my time money energy love
eff that
i have no love
the only love i feel besides my family & like..a few other ppl
is for God. that is IT.
i love school too. kind of.
& im starting to love myself.
starting to find out who that person is.
whats HER worth.
i will never be BAD because i love God & i will do whats right.
but this whole..sweetheart getting stomped on...no.
absolutely not.
the next boy...will be my slave. or he will be ignored.
he will pay every fucking cent for the first DROP of milk.before he even gets to hear about it. because i dont want to give it. at all. never did. & im taking it back. for the sins of the previous, the following will work. period.
im not God. no way. but he blessed me with SO much to give. im not blessing devils anymore. no way. im not attracting myself to people that pull me further from God ANY-MORE. im done trying to fit in how can you be like GOD and not stand out and theres no one else i want to be like.
heartless. i might be. cause He has my heart now. its safe.
right now im mad as hell cause im still hurt but im healing.
& now i feel pretty good knowing that I warned the perpetrator.
I warned him. i told him id never hurt him. but that God protects the innocent.
& he takes it upon himself. his hands were already dirty. and he touched me.
but i am cleansed because i prayed & repented. he did not.
he gloated. & i gave him i think3 chances to redeem himself thru me.
thru compassion to show he wasnt evil but he didnt and he is.
NOW, that everyone he is close to, and he himself KNOWS. even though he doesnt believe i do.
when it comes back to him now, maybe for the first time
hell know why,.
i always hated how ppl could do me wrong, then when their karma came they just got to feel more like victims becayse they had no idea why.
this one will know.
because i was not untrue.
i did not bring it upon myself i tried to do right.
& he rewarded my good with evil.
i dont have to touch him i wouldnt.
God will. & he will show him what happens to people who mess with his children.
he is no son of God. im allowed to hate enemies of God.
i dont hate him. but pay, he will.
these words i believe with all ym heart & for the way they come to me i know theyre true God hasnever ever not come through on this.
i asked him to defend me where i cannot defend myself and he does.
im back safe in his arms and im not leavbing anymore.
people...can kiss my ass.
God...is my home. i no longer need to search.
im safe inside resting while my heart heels.
& when i am once again free to roam among the people...
ill be different.
im different now.
but only i know why.& thats the only persont that needs to know.
my requests have been granted my weakness have been relinquished.
i no longer long for love
i no longer seek the approval of thew majority
i no longer hate myself
i no longer hold my head down
im no longer searching
PEOPLE will no longer control me
im no longer their slave.
im free.
life can start now.
it was hump day.
a day i usually love.
cause i get to go socialize and let everyone see me
have everyone callin my name and feel popular
dance a little.
the UC, a place to congregate. where you almost always see someone you know
i heard my song blaring
i walked as fast as i could into the caf i knew no one would b there
i ate my lunch & wrote in a book about the things i was grateful for
i need some me time
some extended me time
i realize now..ive spent my life tryna belong.
tryna make ppl like me. make em see the good in me i knew was there,
but it wasnt good enough for me
i never fully acknowledged the good in MYSELF
always seeing it in others
all ive ever cared about, whether id admit it or not
is how others saw me
always thinking, no matter how many ppl absolutely hate me,
most ppl who meet me think im purpose
having this wierd pseudo-celebrity status
where ppl think so highly of you
they wont really get close to you
they think you dont have feelings
& when they see a weakness they jump on it like rabies squirrels on a nut
[that was a fantastic simile]
but anyway. ive been obsessed with having friends
being loved
earning approving
fitting in
always tryna find someone who cared as much as i do
actin like a little kid,
no. i CHOOSE not to be nieve anymore
believing something doesnt make it true
ppl r evil.
seeing the good in them will get you killed
i leave myself as open pray by being this bleeding heart
in a see full of sharks
seriously. who am i helping?
im making bad people into monsters
turning everyone into greedy horders.
its not acceptable.
ive always had this sense of respnsibility
every since 11th grade..to save the world
to use my gifts to save the world.but not just the world
teenagers. but ive been "saving" the wrong ones
the spoiled brats who need punishment
giving them a shoulder to lean on
absorbing everyones pain. so im ALWAYS in pain. trying to prevent others from ever having to go thru what i do
always giving ppl what they want.
treating the world like my child
all sacrificing
anything to feel loved. no,
not anymore.
ive always know there was a compromise
either i learn to accept that they dont care and stop doign what im doing
or keep doing what im doing & just be more understanding of the fact that they dont care
now im seeing both sides. i never though id break.
thought id keep taking shit forever,
forever doomed to be this martar, this victim. no.
cause im not helping anyone in a way that they really need it.
the part of me helping ppl, God will send them to me
& put me in a place where the ppl that NEED me can be reached.
here...these are the regular, guilty, evil selfish hearted people
they dont need to be given MORE
they dont need anyone to feel sorry for them and
politely lie down so they can walk their dirty feet across me.
i am allowed to look out for myself. maybe my calling is not RIGHT NOW.
maybe this is a stage where im allowed to grow & develop into that person
& i need to protect the heart thats going to help THOSE ppl one day.
i gotta make it there first.
i mean i understand trying to be all i can be
but I dont think God wants me to be a pansy
I asked him to harden my heart & i think thats what hes doing
i wouldnt intentionally hurt someone.
im still not evil. not one bit.
just a little more apathetic & less blind.
less romantic THANK GOD!
now i see that these are children foreal. ungrateful children that have to grow on their own i cant expect them to think and behave like decent people that some of them will never evn become
i dont have to give away my milk for free the world has no shortage of milk
& people mooch enough they take enough they dont need to be given anymore
so im sucking up every last drop of milk into the deepest trenches of my being
God has the key to a double vaulted safe that its in
someone will have to seriously look for Him & then show EFFORT to get in now
i mean im going to be celibate. foreal.
i never wanted to do half the shit i did. i did it cause i thought ppl would stay
i thought ppl would c me going against my will for them
i thought sleeping in that hospital bed would make him see that i was oging to be there for him, something a normal GOOD person would value.
i thought beiong the only one to be their for my friends bday would b good..
thought she deserved it. no one deserves shit.
seriously., i see no good in anyone now. theyre going to have to show me
that theyre not like everyone else.
im not gunna walk around talking about how one deep i am
im not gunna walk around at all
im not gunna make boys jump thru hoops to make myself feel good when i have absolutely no intention of them ever winning
im not gunna make statuses and develop this identity as this person
thoough i am going to become strong & i will hold onto that.
this is a battle inside me., im thru talking
im gunna just live what i believe & ppl will either see or they wont
but it wont matter. because in my heart ill b happy with myself
& know that God is with me and what else matters?>
too long ive looked to people for the answer.
they cant undo my childhood neglect. they cant make my parents love me
or make up for that
no one can undo the hurt ppl have caused me except God
& then once its all better, i can protect myself from further injury
by not putting myself in dangerous situations anymore
i gotta see signs and be real with myself
i dont want to fall in love
dont want a click
dont want to be popular
i dont give a damn who likes me or doesnt
cause what do i get out of friendships with these ppl?
birthdays to remember only for mine to be forgotten
whining to listen to
a tired as shoulder from crying faces slobbering all over it
lowkey jealous ass comments tryna make me feel bad
demands and no thank yous
texts and calls to wait for
hopes to get up and be let down?
no fucking thank you im done chasing
peopple make me feel more & more empty
ive yet to find someone to be able to hold out the pleasant surprise
foreal.
what do they geT?
anything & everything they want
someone they can call on 24-7
that will defend them no matter what
& walk on tippy toes as not to hurt them
all my time money energy love
eff that
i have no love
the only love i feel besides my family & like..a few other ppl
is for God. that is IT.
i love school too. kind of.
& im starting to love myself.
starting to find out who that person is.
whats HER worth.
i will never be BAD because i love God & i will do whats right.
but this whole..sweetheart getting stomped on...no.
absolutely not.
the next boy...will be my slave. or he will be ignored.
he will pay every fucking cent for the first DROP of milk.before he even gets to hear about it. because i dont want to give it. at all. never did. & im taking it back. for the sins of the previous, the following will work. period.
im not God. no way. but he blessed me with SO much to give. im not blessing devils anymore. no way. im not attracting myself to people that pull me further from God ANY-MORE. im done trying to fit in how can you be like GOD and not stand out and theres no one else i want to be like.
heartless. i might be. cause He has my heart now. its safe.
right now im mad as hell cause im still hurt but im healing.
& now i feel pretty good knowing that I warned the perpetrator.
I warned him. i told him id never hurt him. but that God protects the innocent.
& he takes it upon himself. his hands were already dirty. and he touched me.
but i am cleansed because i prayed & repented. he did not.
he gloated. & i gave him i think3 chances to redeem himself thru me.
thru compassion to show he wasnt evil but he didnt and he is.
NOW, that everyone he is close to, and he himself KNOWS. even though he doesnt believe i do.
when it comes back to him now, maybe for the first time
hell know why,.
i always hated how ppl could do me wrong, then when their karma came they just got to feel more like victims becayse they had no idea why.
this one will know.
because i was not untrue.
i did not bring it upon myself i tried to do right.
& he rewarded my good with evil.
i dont have to touch him i wouldnt.
God will. & he will show him what happens to people who mess with his children.
he is no son of God. im allowed to hate enemies of God.
i dont hate him. but pay, he will.
these words i believe with all ym heart & for the way they come to me i know theyre true God hasnever ever not come through on this.
i asked him to defend me where i cannot defend myself and he does.
im back safe in his arms and im not leavbing anymore.
people...can kiss my ass.
God...is my home. i no longer need to search.
im safe inside resting while my heart heels.
& when i am once again free to roam among the people...
ill be different.
im different now.
but only i know why.& thats the only persont that needs to know.
my requests have been granted my weakness have been relinquished.
i no longer long for love
i no longer seek the approval of thew majority
i no longer hate myself
i no longer hold my head down
im no longer searching
PEOPLE will no longer control me
im no longer their slave.
im free.
life can start now.
negativity
im just so mad.
at the world. at everyone i know.
i was so sweet. so goodhearted. so full of love,
seein the good in everyone no matter what they did?
now, no.
damn theres like 2 ppl i even consider friends
all i see when i see ppl r perpetrators
there s not one single person i want to see or b around
its crazy only 1 girl has my new # the rest r boys
im tryna get strong
but im so fucking mad.
honestly, its better.
everyday sucks. im pissed off& i dont wanna do have the shit i have to do
i feel fat right now & im irritated as fuck cause i went to workout
& couldnt cause the track was all fucked up
& i still feel sick
feels like i cant catch a break
i hate everyone. there is no love in my heart
i see no good in anyone
except the 2 boys i cant talk to right now
cause they saw good in me
life has become a responsibility.
all day long im doin shit i dont wanna do
workin my ASS OFF
just to maintain?
all these bitchass friendships
my fuckin boss milkin the shit out of me
& rippin me off every five seconds
lookjin for a new job
so fuckin tired of workin minimum wage fuck ass jobs
where the hardest worker gets paid the least. no.
im literally not going to class just to avoid one person
who im still pissed as fuck at
always a reminder theyre all the same
i hate bein so bitter i know its not right
its been so long since i had nay positive thoughts
since i was happy.
since i felt good.
not a fan of this person
im bitter as fuck. like a perpetual bad mood BUT no mood last forever.
it can go on for weeks and obviously months BUT not forever
AT LEAST i dont desperately want to be in love anymore
which is an extremely dangerous WEAKNESS to have in college
where there is no love
im surrounded by evil, selfish, ungrateful children
who obviously just want to eat me alive
& then blame me
so mad. at so many ppl.
ALSO i dont plan on giving at all anymore.
idc if ppl see me as a good person
idc if they see me at all i already feel invisible
& abused & unappreciated
& im not givin a damn thing cause no one deserves it
these ppl dont need my help. they need forgiveness
cause theyre evil & selfish & they deserve what they get
i know im not perfect
i get that. but i never thought i was
everyone else thinks theyre perfect
& the whole world should just b more like them
im not livin in a fantasy anymore
i see it
& although its impossible for me to be optimistic
& im feeling very pessimistic right now
dont believe in anything but God
no hope for the future
no pissibility of a reason to smile.
AT LEAST im realistic. AT LEAST they dont have the power to break my heart anymore
cause i do not believe in them i do not expect any good from them
there is no love left in me
AT LEAST i wont be a victim nowe
AT LEAST
i wont get taken advantage of
or feel stupid or BE stupid
AT LEAST i know when i finally get better
which because God is a merciful God, i know i will at least within the next year
AT LEAST i know it wont happen again
cause im finally smart
iu finally get it
& when i get through this
as much as i resent the whole MOTHERFUCKING thing
AT LEAST ill b stronger.
so they can stop benefitting off of my pain
every fucking day fo ym life
i have removed all sources of pain in my life
& once i stop creating it for myself
i can live again
& wont have to worry about a repeat.
im not the same person.
i cant say i like who this is.
i personally ..was a good person before
i didnt fucking deserve all the motherfucking bs ppl put me thru
the world is a bad place full of bad ppl
& as long as im not doing anything WRONG at least ill b safe now.
at the world. at everyone i know.
i was so sweet. so goodhearted. so full of love,
seein the good in everyone no matter what they did?
now, no.
damn theres like 2 ppl i even consider friends
all i see when i see ppl r perpetrators
there s not one single person i want to see or b around
its crazy only 1 girl has my new # the rest r boys
im tryna get strong
but im so fucking mad.
honestly, its better.
everyday sucks. im pissed off& i dont wanna do have the shit i have to do
i feel fat right now & im irritated as fuck cause i went to workout
& couldnt cause the track was all fucked up
& i still feel sick
feels like i cant catch a break
i hate everyone. there is no love in my heart
i see no good in anyone
except the 2 boys i cant talk to right now
cause they saw good in me
life has become a responsibility.
all day long im doin shit i dont wanna do
workin my ASS OFF
just to maintain?
all these bitchass friendships
my fuckin boss milkin the shit out of me
& rippin me off every five seconds
lookjin for a new job
so fuckin tired of workin minimum wage fuck ass jobs
where the hardest worker gets paid the least. no.
im literally not going to class just to avoid one person
who im still pissed as fuck at
always a reminder theyre all the same
i hate bein so bitter i know its not right
its been so long since i had nay positive thoughts
since i was happy.
since i felt good.
not a fan of this person
im bitter as fuck. like a perpetual bad mood BUT no mood last forever.
it can go on for weeks and obviously months BUT not forever
AT LEAST i dont desperately want to be in love anymore
which is an extremely dangerous WEAKNESS to have in college
where there is no love
im surrounded by evil, selfish, ungrateful children
who obviously just want to eat me alive
& then blame me
so mad. at so many ppl.
ALSO i dont plan on giving at all anymore.
idc if ppl see me as a good person
idc if they see me at all i already feel invisible
& abused & unappreciated
& im not givin a damn thing cause no one deserves it
these ppl dont need my help. they need forgiveness
cause theyre evil & selfish & they deserve what they get
i know im not perfect
i get that. but i never thought i was
everyone else thinks theyre perfect
& the whole world should just b more like them
im not livin in a fantasy anymore
i see it
& although its impossible for me to be optimistic
& im feeling very pessimistic right now
dont believe in anything but God
no hope for the future
no pissibility of a reason to smile.
AT LEAST im realistic. AT LEAST they dont have the power to break my heart anymore
cause i do not believe in them i do not expect any good from them
there is no love left in me
AT LEAST i wont be a victim nowe
AT LEAST
i wont get taken advantage of
or feel stupid or BE stupid
AT LEAST i know when i finally get better
which because God is a merciful God, i know i will at least within the next year
AT LEAST i know it wont happen again
cause im finally smart
iu finally get it
& when i get through this
as much as i resent the whole MOTHERFUCKING thing
AT LEAST ill b stronger.
so they can stop benefitting off of my pain
every fucking day fo ym life
i have removed all sources of pain in my life
& once i stop creating it for myself
i can live again
& wont have to worry about a repeat.
im not the same person.
i cant say i like who this is.
i personally ..was a good person before
i didnt fucking deserve all the motherfucking bs ppl put me thru
the world is a bad place full of bad ppl
& as long as im not doing anything WRONG at least ill b safe now.
Monday, October 25, 2010
weight of the world
i wonder how many of these i can write in one day
now you can see how much i think about this shit
if i was in highschool, or a grownup just working one job everyday
then coming home for like 5 or 6 hours of leisure time everyday
i feel like maybe i could handle it
but i dont barely have any leisure time
i dont have any time to just sit & relax or cry
i almost always miss something
2 jobs. 5 classes. trying to stay in shape
trying to not go insane alone and maybe have a few things
like..how long do i have to do this
im just a kid
& ive got this big boulder on my shoulders
its so fucking heavy like
i cant set it down for 2 seconds to rest & i feel like ive bitten off more than i can chew
but its too late to turn back
or rest
& if i give up one thing theyll all fall like dominoes
i cant afford to live where i live without my two jobs
and i dont wanna burden sandra anymore
i just..idk what to do.
ill keep praying
now you can see how much i think about this shit
if i was in highschool, or a grownup just working one job everyday
then coming home for like 5 or 6 hours of leisure time everyday
i feel like maybe i could handle it
but i dont barely have any leisure time
i dont have any time to just sit & relax or cry
i almost always miss something
2 jobs. 5 classes. trying to stay in shape
trying to not go insane alone and maybe have a few things
like..how long do i have to do this
im just a kid
& ive got this big boulder on my shoulders
its so fucking heavy like
i cant set it down for 2 seconds to rest & i feel like ive bitten off more than i can chew
but its too late to turn back
or rest
& if i give up one thing theyll all fall like dominoes
i cant afford to live where i live without my two jobs
and i dont wanna burden sandra anymore
i just..idk what to do.
ill keep praying
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