Just Shitty in general

Cried. took another nap. then I woke up texted him I had calmed down and I hoped he had a good day. then he said he hoped I did too. I told him I never wanted to stay home. that I was stressed and he can hurt me easily because hes usually my day maker and I missed that. and he said you can still come over so I said do you want me to. ive texted him 2x since then. its been an hour and a half. called him too. cause it the time it was 430. could've been there by 6. now its 545. probably not even worth it if he texts me at freaking 7. :( this is so horrible. I didn't want to spend easter like this how did I go from a hapy healthy relationship to this bullshit. he is so unfair. makes me SO sad. now im going to be sad tonight. and sad all week. and just...this is bullshit. I wish this person wasn't part of him. idk how to feel better. guess I have to take my phone off loud. and just accept that im gunna be studying tonight. ill have my tutoring apt tomorrow. and work all fucking day. I mean...honestly. like..i know if I did go over there we wouldn't just be together. I don't even know what to say to him. he has single handedly destroyed EVERYTHING. and im the one suffering. what the fuck is he doing :( im so sad. God help me. theres no hope for him. I am so sad.

Moral of th story: We ALWAYS end up back here

Cause this is who he is. A disrespectful asshole whose treatment of a women will depend on how he feels about her. so one girl one day might make him feel strongly enough to change but I mean...idk. that's shitty. feelsing go back and forth you shouldn't treat people bad when the original rosy glow fades. this whole week he just...stopped talking to me as much. I talk to him in the morning then basically go the whole day. it pisses me off cause he is not just "busy" the whole time. he chills with chris. goes to the movies with chris. he was fucking with chris when I was with him. Wednesday he told me sometimes he had popped xanex when he was with me which is why he would be so negligent and tired. that's when It started. everyday since he just ahsnt been talking to me and I been going crazy all day everyday. being sad. and he a[ologized and said some really sweet things the other day when we talked about it. but were supposed to be together TODAY. and were not. I kinda decided that earlier this week though. its easter. I don't trust him though. the pattern of me sitting there while he goes about his life like he sees me everyday wont leave my mind. and the way hes been talking to me lately. yday I BEGGED him to stop being like this and he said he would. then he hung up and wouldn't call me back. did that 3 times yday. that's three times he said he [romised and broke it. then that night I called him and was trying to talk to him and he didn't respond so I hung up cause I thought he fell asleep. then I called him back and he didn't! he just took too long to respind? sounded like he was high as fuck. but whatever. he wasn't even going to call me back. idk who he is anymore. honestly like..the change that took place over a week. I can understand hell never put me before bodybuilding but now weed? drugs I should've known it would be the end of us. he has to anser every phone call make every sale. he said things would be goo today and he lied. then like we got off the phone and I told em the convo waasnt going well anyway cause it wasn't. I said do you treat all your gfs like this? and he saud no! and I was like so bitches in the past you treated them better? and he said all relationships are diffnerent. I was fine but as im typing this t all comes back and im crying again. its like all my nightmares came true. he was probably so fucking good to brooke. I mea  now were just right back to he just doesn't like me that mucha nd I REALLY THOUGHT HE ID. wehad gotten so close and come so far but he has been the biggest dick to me all week and I barely remember this new person it hought he was. cause this is the same person I dealt with in the past. I literally do not want to see him. at all. ever really. I wanted him to make today better like he always does but I don't fucking believe a word that comes out of hismouth. everything he says just hurts me. he hasn't been sweet to me one bit we haven't been clicking like we normally do half the time unless its in the morning I feel like hes barely coherent. and he just...doesn't need me I guess. I wish I didn't have to do the same show as him. I wish I could erase him from my life and never have to see him again if I didn't want to. like...I wanted to get a dress and bunny ears and have a good day. now im going to be here all day either in the bed crying with a headache or just studying and watching tv right now im thinking ill be going back to the bed. I blocked him. idk. normally he wouldn't let this happen but he just thinks I complain all the time. had the nerve to say he didn sign up for this which is why he was hesitant in the first place? youre an asshole. hes an asshole. all week ive probably worked out twice. ive struggled to get through the day. because I gave him my heart and he was wreckless and I have to get as far away from his as possible or I wont make my show. I mean working out was the only thing I got to do that I njoy. now I don't evenw at to to that. I guess the lesson is no matter how he may seem like hes changed or is on his best behavior no matter what at some point it will go back to this. cause this is his natural state of being. he'll never love me. hell never truly care about me. today he told me he didn't even want kids. like..he was just so cold to me this week its like I been dealing with a stranger. I can barely remember but I was so happy just a week ago. SO happy. we had such a good time. all week we were like miss you miss you he likes all my pics we were doing SO good. but theres a sife of him that I cant be with. and I am so so hurt and very sad and still like I mean in my mind im like its only 1 o clock maybe hell call me when he gets off maybe hell regret everything and feel bad and want to be with me and salvage this day. all week hes been telling me he wants me to come over even this morning. like.....now things are just voer though I broke up with him. but I guess its just so hard to believe that im really going to spend this day locked up in my apartment with my cats. I mean...idk id rather be here than there in all honestly I had a bad feeling about today all week. I am just all out of sorts and off focus from going over there and driving and having to pack all my stuff and never being here. I am looking forwatd to being back in a routine and never having to be around fucking weed. like im starting to hate it. I actually would really like a boyfriend who doesn't smoke. cause im just over what it does to people. I want someone who is above the influence like me cause it changes people and it hurts me. and im over it. like. this was so unnecessary when I tell you we were doing good, we were. and then he started lying. breaking promises. im so livid and disgusted with him. I don't want to see him at all. I just wish...I wish he hadn't done this. that's all. but like..im not who I was. I don't NEED to be with him at all costs. I don't see good in him that cant be replaced. I don't remember what it s I saw that I was so preoccupied with and now that im closer to him I know hes not that great of a person not like I thought and without me he nevr will be. hes not going to get better hes going to get worse. and he will be fine but he will be an asshole. but if it doesn't affect him it doesn't matter. that's his mindset. im sick to death of every fuking thing being so complicated if he wasn't fucking dealing drugs 24.7 we  could definitely be together. this was his choice. he cant have balance in anything. I hate him for doing this. for choosing drug dealing over me for choosing to be chris. like..man, hes so amazing when hes sober and not doing this. so depressing :( I miss quality time I miss snuggling I miss having any kind of fucking say. today is EASTER. its A HOLIDAY. and im spending it alone cause im too depressed to leave the house and it honestly feels like nothing matters. im going to study but right now I need to pee and just go back to the bed and cry a little bit. I have a headache and just generally feel shitty. :( God help me recover from this.

MAYBE IM JUST PARANOID

Ironic he was singing that song the whole time I was with him lol anyway but yea maybe its the clen. im usually fine. I hope its me I really do hope im tripping. but its been 8 hrs since I talked to corey. we had an awesome Thursday and Friday together he even said so he told me like over the phone it was super sweet he said I had a really great time with you these past couple days. and I really like your hair. and your body looks better everytime I see you. I just got a text. probably Sandra telling me shes taking off. or jess, hold on lemme look. YAY actually it was him and he say hey don't worry I was napping and that he hadn't had a chance to read all my stuff. I was hoping that was it. doesn't account for the full 8 hours BUT. yea. I didn't say anything, I was going to but opted out. let him check his phone every five seconds and then end up calling me cause HES worried. but anyway yea SO i'll briefly touch on today then go into all the wonderful goodness that's ben going on :) today I didn't talk to him for 12 hours. we talked this morning.....UPDATE.....SO I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING. MOFO DIDNT NOTICE. DIDNT CALL. SO I JUST TEXTED HIM SAYING OK. THEN I SAID THATS A LONG NAP. GUESS ILL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW HOPE YOU CAN PENCIL ME IN IN THE MORNING. ..................and then I took my phone off loud. hopefully he does call me in the morning. tonight im a little over talking to him. and im not in the mood to write a wonderful blog about how wonderful things have been. I went over we had a great time. weve had awesome text convos and hes super sweet to me and things have been great. thought we might spend some of easter together. now im thinking no. idk. annoying day as faras he goes. the morning was great. we talked and then I did cardio. all positives. then we were snap chatting at work he told me I was cute. lol it was a great convo. idk things have been great. right now hes just annoying me. I need to cook but I don't wanna :( cant I just cook tmrw im over cooking! ill cook tomorrow im tired and I want to like do some hw and go to bed hopefully wakeup early cause I come in at all. anyway k bye..

Sigh. Just Have Faith... Relax...and Think Positive

So he was off today. I talked to him this morning. and then again when I went to the grocery store (on the phone). and we texted off and on at work. I called him when I got out of work (I had a feeling before I did that I shouldn't but I did) and he rejected my call! Like let it ring once and then hung up! Really? He's never done that. Usually he'll just let it ring, I mean I can see turning it on silent but pressing ignore. ive never seen him do that to anyone. maybe his phone was off? who knows. I doubt it. idk im hoping once again that it has nothing to do with me and him. it shouldn't. like I said things have been great. we talked about tomorrow several times today so he knows im coming over. I was going to go watch him pose tomorrow then workout. Yday I was scared too because lik idk I still remember him just going silent. Its been a good week and talking on the phone helped last week too BUT like I still have like one eye open I guess. Im having to learn to think logically and not be paranoid and also just to try my best to be positive. I mean. Things have been going well and the day went well and our convo ended well. so Idk im assuming he just...hell idk. All I can do is hope for the best. but I mean we talk all the time now and its so normal. yday after I told him how much the Bethany thing was bothering me like he was like so are you coming over tomorrow and we talked about me coming over on Saturday. I have been iinitiating a lot this week I guess I can back off a little. maybe after tomorrow. I usually don't talk to him much at night. im thinking maybe the reason I got the feeling I shouldn't call before I did was because it would turn into something that is nothing. so Im going to assume its nothing. Things have been better than ever this week. We're so close. On the subject of Bethany. Idk. this morning I reminded him about her bday. wish I hadn't. and then yday like I wrote on her wall like when we used to be friends and tonight I went back and deleted it. cause shes not acting like a friend. im not going to be fake. im not happy with her right now and im not going to pretend to be so im not going to like...im just not going to like...associate with her and I hid her from my timeline so that I wouldn't have to see her tagging him all the damn time. idk whats gunna happen with me and him as far as fb im a little bit over him deleting me every five seconds so eff it im not even goingto ask him anymore like if you don't want to be my friend fine. its bullshit what kind of relationship is that but whatever. all week hes been very courteous and like I said we talk every day. we talk on the phone a lot. he calls me every morning. im hoping he calls me in the morning. cause last Saturday we were on the phone for 3 hours. and that was awesome so I could entertain him again. plus just to like tell me what happened tonight. earlier I thought...for a second...that she might have done something for her bday and he might've gone...KNOWING he shouldn't..idk that would definitely cause HUGE trust issues but I mean nothing we cant talk out. I do not want that like open flirty relationship though. that's very annoying. he'll never have to deal with that with me. shoot maybe ..na. anyway yea so im just going to get ready for tomorrow prep all my food and try to get a good nights sleep. so I can wakeup and do my cardio. today went well I wanted a luncheable I had to like get my mind right because im going to be surrounded by foods that aren't on my diet constantly at work. but I said this time I wasn't cheating so im not. later tonight I actually tried and konrad stopped me so it was awesome. I see now this is going to be a struggle but itll be worth it. right now im cooking chicken. I want to go to sleep! think im going to try my best to pack my food for sunday and tomorrow so I don't have to do anything. and I guess I can come here real quick after the party ill probably leave a little early 4 hours is long. so I might show up late and leave early. so get there at like 11 and then leave at 1. ill just tell her I have tutoring and im sure she expects me to be late I want to take everything with me but I wont have anywhere to put it all that time so yea. gotta go get the damn baby a present lol ugh so expensive life is right now. my wrap business is legit so far. I need to sign up distributors to get that 10k. eff it this is the only way I know of to even get to that point. I mean if I don't do SOMETHING of that nature, I literally wont be able to compete. im grinding for the cause. its necessary. theres a lot I want to do for me that I cant do without extra income so here it is. I texted him twice. once saying like why did he reject my calls and I hope hes ok then the next saying he could just call me tomorrow so I hope he does. he usually does. if he doesn't especially since he will be at work I know like at 730 then I guess ill call him and be like dude whats up. I hope its nothing though. like hes got a lot going on and ive been a good thing for him. so im just hoping we're good. we should be. guess sometimes he just may not feel like being on the phone? idk/ anyway. yea im tired. SIGH. gotta get all my food together. still got at least half an hour to let the chicken cool. SIGH. might get a nap in while im waiting LOL. anyway God please just put your blessing on all my endeavors especially school. and help me work for my goals and do my best everyday. also, I cant help it whether its a liability or not (which is most certainly is) Corey has my heart. he means a lot to me and I really would like to stay with him and keep building on what we have so if you could please put your blessing on us as individuals to be our best selves and also as a couple to keep us together and faithful and in a healthy relationship. I really am happy with him. things have improved CRAZILY and I want to keep going in this positive direction. thank you for all the blessings. love you.

The Clearing In The Dark Forest

Well right NOW he isn't texting me back. but the last thing I said to him was that I missed his dick and I want it inside me so I highly DOUBT that I will just NOT get a response. hes at work. just closed. this was at like 7:44 and it is now...9:07 so Im guessing either his phone died or they were busy mostly likely his phone. I thought id get a pretty prompt response on that one lol but anyway so yea I have a tutoring session online at 9:08 that im not ready for but ill give this a shot. anyway so yea this past week was excellent. I was over there this weekend im sure I wrote about that in the last one. I actually ended up back over there um...Saturday night like real late after me and jen went to the movie and saw him briefly that morning on sunday and slept in. but I was satisfied. idk we had really really great convos all week. I did a really heartfelt man crush Monday and he liked it. of course I would love for him to like comment on them but I know were not to that point but hes really trying. great now I have 2 minutes lol anyway I was hoping hed call me like at like 930. he ought to be home by like 940 but I hope he at least texts me back. I think if he had any kind of problem with what I said that would pretty much question his sexuality lol but anyway yea today there was a scare cause he didn't text me for a few hours and then said like he had something to tell me which was why he didn't text me for a few hours and my heart dropped I was scared like something was wrong with us but it had to do with his sister. ok its about to be time ill have to come back to this.. .............................................................................................................................................................................................................. so I had my first tutoring session. LOVE that guy. but yea anyway so I still haven't talked to him I hope he didn't fuck up his phone more. and that he is able to call me in the morning. I love starting my day talking to him. and I hope nothing bad happened. ----------update apparently travis (Thomas son) got in a wreck and totaled his car :( that kid needs help. Lord help him. anyway today was rough for him. yday he caught areeb in the house. then today he heard areeb made out with some chick and his sister is so hurt. and then travis totaled his car. I hope he called me in the morning so I can talk to him but if he doesn't ill understand, im tired but I might go get something as my last fat meal. since it will be the last one for like 14 weeks. anyway were doing awesome though. like today Bethany freaking posted a pic of him posing at work and it really pissed me off cause shes always tagging him on fb. and I told him I was irritated so he called me and I kind of just vented about howmuch it bothered me and he was understanding I thought he was just gunna tell me I was trippin. but he said he was sorry and that he didn't like that I felt that way and that he would do his best to make sure it didn't continue to happen. I just think its super disrespectful for her to be on his dick like she is when she knows me and has for like 8 years. anyway but yea. the phone is the shit. we always call eachother now. but yea im tired. k bye :)