Just Shitty in general

Cried. took another nap. then I woke up texted him I had calmed down and I hoped he had a good day. then he said he hoped I did too. I told him I never wanted to stay home. that I was stressed and he can hurt me easily because hes usually my day maker and I missed that. and he said you can still come over so I said do you want me to. ive texted him 2x since then. its been an hour and a half. called him too. cause it the time it was 430. could've been there by 6. now its 545. probably not even worth it if he texts me at freaking 7. :( this is so horrible. I didn't want to spend easter like this how did I go from a hapy healthy relationship to this bullshit. he is so unfair. makes me SO sad. now im going to be sad tonight. and sad all week. and just...this is bullshit. I wish this person wasn't part of him. idk how to feel better. guess I have to take my phone off loud. and just accept that im gunna be studying tonight. ill have my tutoring apt tomorrow. and work all fucking day. I mean...honestly. like..i know if I did go over there we wouldn't just be together. I don't even know what to say to him. he has single handedly destroyed EVERYTHING. and im the one suffering. what the fuck is he doing :( im so sad. God help me. theres no hope for him. I am so sad.

Moral of th story: We ALWAYS end up back here

Cause this is who he is. A disrespectful asshole whose treatment of a women will depend on how he feels about her. so one girl one day might make him feel strongly enough to change but I mean...idk. that's shitty. feelsing go back and forth you shouldn't treat people bad when the original rosy glow fades. this whole week he just...stopped talking to me as much. I talk to him in the morning then basically go the whole day. it pisses me off cause he is not just "busy" the whole time. he chills with chris. goes to the movies with chris. he was fucking with chris when I was with him. Wednesday he told me sometimes he had popped xanex when he was with me which is why he would be so negligent and tired. that's when It started. everyday since he just ahsnt been talking to me and I been going crazy all day everyday. being sad. and he a[ologized and said some really sweet things the other day when we talked about it. but were supposed to be together TODAY. and were not. I kinda decided that earlier this week though. its easter. I don't trust him though. the pattern of me sitting there while he goes about his life like he sees me everyday wont leave my mind. and the way hes been talking to me lately. yday I BEGGED him to stop being like this and he said he would. then he hung up and wouldn't call me back. did that 3 times yday. that's three times he said he [romised and broke it. then that night I called him and was trying to talk to him and he didn't respond so I hung up cause I thought he fell asleep. then I called him back and he didn't! he just took too long to respind? sounded like he was high as fuck. but whatever. he wasn't even going to call me back. idk who he is anymore. honestly like..the change that took place over a week. I can understand hell never put me before bodybuilding but now weed? drugs I should've known it would be the end of us. he has to anser every phone call make every sale. he said things would be goo today and he lied. then like we got off the phone and I told em the convo waasnt going well anyway cause it wasn't. I said do you treat all your gfs like this? and he saud no! and I was like so bitches in the past you treated them better? and he said all relationships are diffnerent. I was fine but as im typing this t all comes back and im crying again. its like all my nightmares came true. he was probably so fucking good to brooke. I mea  now were just right back to he just doesn't like me that mucha nd I REALLY THOUGHT HE ID. wehad gotten so close and come so far but he has been the biggest dick to me all week and I barely remember this new person it hought he was. cause this is the same person I dealt with in the past. I literally do not want to see him. at all. ever really. I wanted him to make today better like he always does but I don't fucking believe a word that comes out of hismouth. everything he says just hurts me. he hasn't been sweet to me one bit we haven't been clicking like we normally do half the time unless its in the morning I feel like hes barely coherent. and he just...doesn't need me I guess. I wish I didn't have to do the same show as him. I wish I could erase him from my life and never have to see him again if I didn't want to. like...I wanted to get a dress and bunny ears and have a good day. now im going to be here all day either in the bed crying with a headache or just studying and watching tv right now im thinking ill be going back to the bed. I blocked him. idk. normally he wouldn't let this happen but he just thinks I complain all the time. had the nerve to say he didn sign up for this which is why he was hesitant in the first place? youre an asshole. hes an asshole. all week ive probably worked out twice. ive struggled to get through the day. because I gave him my heart and he was wreckless and I have to get as far away from his as possible or I wont make my show. I mean working out was the only thing I got to do that I njoy. now I don't evenw at to to that. I guess the lesson is no matter how he may seem like hes changed or is on his best behavior no matter what at some point it will go back to this. cause this is his natural state of being. he'll never love me. hell never truly care about me. today he told me he didn't even want kids. like..he was just so cold to me this week its like I been dealing with a stranger. I can barely remember but I was so happy just a week ago. SO happy. we had such a good time. all week we were like miss you miss you he likes all my pics we were doing SO good. but theres a sife of him that I cant be with. and I am so so hurt and very sad and still like I mean in my mind im like its only 1 o clock maybe hell call me when he gets off maybe hell regret everything and feel bad and want to be with me and salvage this day. all week hes been telling me he wants me to come over even this morning. like.....now things are just voer though I broke up with him. but I guess its just so hard to believe that im really going to spend this day locked up in my apartment with my cats. I mean...idk id rather be here than there in all honestly I had a bad feeling about today all week. I am just all out of sorts and off focus from going over there and driving and having to pack all my stuff and never being here. I am looking forwatd to being back in a routine and never having to be around fucking weed. like im starting to hate it. I actually would really like a boyfriend who doesn't smoke. cause im just over what it does to people. I want someone who is above the influence like me cause it changes people and it hurts me. and im over it. like. this was so unnecessary when I tell you we were doing good, we were. and then he started lying. breaking promises. im so livid and disgusted with him. I don't want to see him at all. I just wish...I wish he hadn't done this. that's all. but like..im not who I was. I don't NEED to be with him at all costs. I don't see good in him that cant be replaced. I don't remember what it s I saw that I was so preoccupied with and now that im closer to him I know hes not that great of a person not like I thought and without me he nevr will be. hes not going to get better hes going to get worse. and he will be fine but he will be an asshole. but if it doesn't affect him it doesn't matter. that's his mindset. im sick to death of every fuking thing being so complicated if he wasn't fucking dealing drugs 24.7 we  could definitely be together. this was his choice. he cant have balance in anything. I hate him for doing this. for choosing drug dealing over me for choosing to be chris. like..man, hes so amazing when hes sober and not doing this. so depressing :( I miss quality time I miss snuggling I miss having any kind of fucking say. today is EASTER. its A HOLIDAY. and im spending it alone cause im too depressed to leave the house and it honestly feels like nothing matters. im going to study but right now I need to pee and just go back to the bed and cry a little bit. I have a headache and just generally feel shitty. :( God help me recover from this.

MAYBE IM JUST PARANOID

Ironic he was singing that song the whole time I was with him lol anyway but yea maybe its the clen. im usually fine. I hope its me I really do hope im tripping. but its been 8 hrs since I talked to corey. we had an awesome Thursday and Friday together he even said so he told me like over the phone it was super sweet he said I had a really great time with you these past couple days. and I really like your hair. and your body looks better everytime I see you. I just got a text. probably Sandra telling me shes taking off. or jess, hold on lemme look. YAY actually it was him and he say hey don't worry I was napping and that he hadn't had a chance to read all my stuff. I was hoping that was it. doesn't account for the full 8 hours BUT. yea. I didn't say anything, I was going to but opted out. let him check his phone every five seconds and then end up calling me cause HES worried. but anyway yea SO i'll briefly touch on today then go into all the wonderful goodness that's ben going on :) today I didn't talk to him for 12 hours. we talked this morning.....UPDATE.....SO I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING. MOFO DIDNT NOTICE. DIDNT CALL. SO I JUST TEXTED HIM SAYING OK. THEN I SAID THATS A LONG NAP. GUESS ILL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW HOPE YOU CAN PENCIL ME IN IN THE MORNING. ..................and then I took my phone off loud. hopefully he does call me in the morning. tonight im a little over talking to him. and im not in the mood to write a wonderful blog about how wonderful things have been. I went over we had a great time. weve had awesome text convos and hes super sweet to me and things have been great. thought we might spend some of easter together. now im thinking no. idk. annoying day as faras he goes. the morning was great. we talked and then I did cardio. all positives. then we were snap chatting at work he told me I was cute. lol it was a great convo. idk things have been great. right now hes just annoying me. I need to cook but I don't wanna :( cant I just cook tmrw im over cooking! ill cook tomorrow im tired and I want to like do some hw and go to bed hopefully wakeup early cause I come in at all. anyway k bye..

Sigh. Just Have Faith... Relax...and Think Positive

So he was off today. I talked to him this morning. and then again when I went to the grocery store (on the phone). and we texted off and on at work. I called him when I got out of work (I had a feeling before I did that I shouldn't but I did) and he rejected my call! Like let it ring once and then hung up! Really? He's never done that. Usually he'll just let it ring, I mean I can see turning it on silent but pressing ignore. ive never seen him do that to anyone. maybe his phone was off? who knows. I doubt it. idk im hoping once again that it has nothing to do with me and him. it shouldn't. like I said things have been great. we talked about tomorrow several times today so he knows im coming over. I was going to go watch him pose tomorrow then workout. Yday I was scared too because lik idk I still remember him just going silent. Its been a good week and talking on the phone helped last week too BUT like I still have like one eye open I guess. Im having to learn to think logically and not be paranoid and also just to try my best to be positive. I mean. Things have been going well and the day went well and our convo ended well. so Idk im assuming he just...hell idk. All I can do is hope for the best. but I mean we talk all the time now and its so normal. yday after I told him how much the Bethany thing was bothering me like he was like so are you coming over tomorrow and we talked about me coming over on Saturday. I have been iinitiating a lot this week I guess I can back off a little. maybe after tomorrow. I usually don't talk to him much at night. im thinking maybe the reason I got the feeling I shouldn't call before I did was because it would turn into something that is nothing. so Im going to assume its nothing. Things have been better than ever this week. We're so close. On the subject of Bethany. Idk. this morning I reminded him about her bday. wish I hadn't. and then yday like I wrote on her wall like when we used to be friends and tonight I went back and deleted it. cause shes not acting like a friend. im not going to be fake. im not happy with her right now and im not going to pretend to be so im not going to like...im just not going to like...associate with her and I hid her from my timeline so that I wouldn't have to see her tagging him all the damn time. idk whats gunna happen with me and him as far as fb im a little bit over him deleting me every five seconds so eff it im not even goingto ask him anymore like if you don't want to be my friend fine. its bullshit what kind of relationship is that but whatever. all week hes been very courteous and like I said we talk every day. we talk on the phone a lot. he calls me every morning. im hoping he calls me in the morning. cause last Saturday we were on the phone for 3 hours. and that was awesome so I could entertain him again. plus just to like tell me what happened tonight. earlier I thought...for a second...that she might have done something for her bday and he might've gone...KNOWING he shouldn't..idk that would definitely cause HUGE trust issues but I mean nothing we cant talk out. I do not want that like open flirty relationship though. that's very annoying. he'll never have to deal with that with me. shoot maybe ..na. anyway yea so im just going to get ready for tomorrow prep all my food and try to get a good nights sleep. so I can wakeup and do my cardio. today went well I wanted a luncheable I had to like get my mind right because im going to be surrounded by foods that aren't on my diet constantly at work. but I said this time I wasn't cheating so im not. later tonight I actually tried and konrad stopped me so it was awesome. I see now this is going to be a struggle but itll be worth it. right now im cooking chicken. I want to go to sleep! think im going to try my best to pack my food for sunday and tomorrow so I don't have to do anything. and I guess I can come here real quick after the party ill probably leave a little early 4 hours is long. so I might show up late and leave early. so get there at like 11 and then leave at 1. ill just tell her I have tutoring and im sure she expects me to be late I want to take everything with me but I wont have anywhere to put it all that time so yea. gotta go get the damn baby a present lol ugh so expensive life is right now. my wrap business is legit so far. I need to sign up distributors to get that 10k. eff it this is the only way I know of to even get to that point. I mean if I don't do SOMETHING of that nature, I literally wont be able to compete. im grinding for the cause. its necessary. theres a lot I want to do for me that I cant do without extra income so here it is. I texted him twice. once saying like why did he reject my calls and I hope hes ok then the next saying he could just call me tomorrow so I hope he does. he usually does. if he doesn't especially since he will be at work I know like at 730 then I guess ill call him and be like dude whats up. I hope its nothing though. like hes got a lot going on and ive been a good thing for him. so im just hoping we're good. we should be. guess sometimes he just may not feel like being on the phone? idk/ anyway. yea im tired. SIGH. gotta get all my food together. still got at least half an hour to let the chicken cool. SIGH. might get a nap in while im waiting LOL. anyway God please just put your blessing on all my endeavors especially school. and help me work for my goals and do my best everyday. also, I cant help it whether its a liability or not (which is most certainly is) Corey has my heart. he means a lot to me and I really would like to stay with him and keep building on what we have so if you could please put your blessing on us as individuals to be our best selves and also as a couple to keep us together and faithful and in a healthy relationship. I really am happy with him. things have improved CRAZILY and I want to keep going in this positive direction. thank you for all the blessings. love you.

The Clearing In The Dark Forest

Well right NOW he isn't texting me back. but the last thing I said to him was that I missed his dick and I want it inside me so I highly DOUBT that I will just NOT get a response. hes at work. just closed. this was at like 7:44 and it is now...9:07 so Im guessing either his phone died or they were busy mostly likely his phone. I thought id get a pretty prompt response on that one lol but anyway so yea I have a tutoring session online at 9:08 that im not ready for but ill give this a shot. anyway so yea this past week was excellent. I was over there this weekend im sure I wrote about that in the last one. I actually ended up back over there um...Saturday night like real late after me and jen went to the movie and saw him briefly that morning on sunday and slept in. but I was satisfied. idk we had really really great convos all week. I did a really heartfelt man crush Monday and he liked it. of course I would love for him to like comment on them but I know were not to that point but hes really trying. great now I have 2 minutes lol anyway I was hoping hed call me like at like 930. he ought to be home by like 940 but I hope he at least texts me back. I think if he had any kind of problem with what I said that would pretty much question his sexuality lol but anyway yea today there was a scare cause he didn't text me for a few hours and then said like he had something to tell me which was why he didn't text me for a few hours and my heart dropped I was scared like something was wrong with us but it had to do with his sister. ok its about to be time ill have to come back to this.. .............................................................................................................................................................................................................. so I had my first tutoring session. LOVE that guy. but yea anyway so I still haven't talked to him I hope he didn't fuck up his phone more. and that he is able to call me in the morning. I love starting my day talking to him. and I hope nothing bad happened. ----------update apparently travis (Thomas son) got in a wreck and totaled his car :( that kid needs help. Lord help him. anyway today was rough for him. yday he caught areeb in the house. then today he heard areeb made out with some chick and his sister is so hurt. and then travis totaled his car. I hope he called me in the morning so I can talk to him but if he doesn't ill understand, im tired but I might go get something as my last fat meal. since it will be the last one for like 14 weeks. anyway were doing awesome though. like today Bethany freaking posted a pic of him posing at work and it really pissed me off cause shes always tagging him on fb. and I told him I was irritated so he called me and I kind of just vented about howmuch it bothered me and he was understanding I thought he was just gunna tell me I was trippin. but he said he was sorry and that he didn't like that I felt that way and that he would do his best to make sure it didn't continue to happen. I just think its super disrespectful for her to be on his dick like she is when she knows me and has for like 8 years. anyway but yea. the phone is the shit. we always call eachother now. but yea im tired. k bye :)

POSITIVE UPDATE: Talking on the Phone Helps a Relationship stay healthy

So long story short things are great between but I mean we went essentially another week without talking to eachother after he did that after spring break. he did it again last week. he says sometimes he just doesn't know what to say to me but he does care. the thing that sucked is that he promised he wouldn't and he did it anyway. and like towards the end I just broke down and texted him. I mean I did notice I had less anxiety without him. and it helps to grow me as a person everytime we separate BUT like..I just...I don't want to be without him. he has my heart. I want to be with him. I cant help it. I want to work through things I want us to be a team. So yea. anyway so but on Friday like I texted him I cant remember what I could look but anyway he said he was sorry and like he said I could come over that night so I did. and at first I ranted a little but like it went well. cause I told him to cancel all his plans and not be running errands and shit when im over there. that I wanted quality time. and we talked about him acting like a bad person and he said he didn't know he was coming off cocky or a bad person and that he does want to be better he doesn't wan tto be like that. and I mean we just talked about everything and we just chilled and did whatever. he knows how I feel about everything now. but the main thing ive realized is just like there are basically 2 parts to the relationship. physical and emotional. that's it. and both have to be good for it to work. you have to see eachother. and you have to talk. and talking doesn't just mean texting. like I noticed jen calls roger everyday on her lunch break. they live together but they still talk all the time and they have a great relationship. I wanted that with Corey but i didn't think I'd ever have it. another lesson. I NEED TO STOP SAYING NEVER AND STOP LIKE..ASSUMING THINGS CANT BE A CERTAIN WAY. OR THAT THE WAY THEY ARE IS AN INDICATION OF HOW THEY ALWAYS WILL BE. I really think communication can heal everything. so that's what weve been working on. communicating more. im having to pay attention to what doesn't work and stop repeating it. and a lot about who he is and who hes not. hes not a bad person. hes not like this amazing saint but he has a good heart. hes just...dauntless (divergent movie AWESOME). like 100%. im divergent :) lol but anyway yea so i mean. were different but we do go well together. i think my initial hesitation was just it seemed to me from afar that i wasn't going to blend into his life well ya know. and no in my eyes i didn't seem to just messh immediately. but i had to open my mind and be more confident and positive honestly and stop separating myself from the world like were not all human ya know? me introducing myself to people and being freidnly at the gym went so well. i no longer feel astranged there. and i try to carry this with me wherever i go. and think of people as family instead of strangers. and just try to be friendly and approachable and happy. and it helps so much. not like put on an act. that doesn't work. just putting my best foot forward. works well for me. im learning a lot. i would say though a HUGE difference has come from us talking on the phone. like i went over there things were good. he was in the shower and i answered one of his texts. cause i know his phone pw. he didn't get mad which was awesome cause i told him i was too scared to ever go through his phone and he was like i honestly don't have anything i wouldn't want you to see and it just lifted a little weight. for the rest of the night i was like telling him what people were saying and he didn't care. and i looked on his fb and i changed his relationship status to in a relationship with me. and accepted my friend request. and like yea that's where i messed up. when he found out he got really mad. and i could tell because the day before yday he deleted it. so i texted him and he wasn't answering me and my anxiety was getting bad so i called him and he didn't answer. i called twice and i was like he could be busy but it was like Friday night i knew he was off and he ALWAYS has his phone on him. and he has a charger now. and i knew he was up so there was really no reason for him not to answer me and we had been talking before. so yea before i went to the gym i called him again and he said he was ignoring me and that i hacked his fb and it wasn't cool. and i apologized sincerely and he said he forgave me and would let it go and i told him a story and we talked for a bit. not like a great convo he wasn't participating a whole lot but i mean i thought things were fine when we got off the phone he promised he was fine. and then like as im leaving the gym i went to go look at the pic i tagged of him because people were liking it and he had deleted me as a friend. and it was 1am so i couldn't talk to him so i like went home and just cried and cried. freaking out. wrote em a message but i set my alarm to wakeup and call him at 740am cause i knew hed be at work. i didn t think hed answer. i was convinced it was going to be another horrible week. and i mean i was crying hard because i felt like he was putting so much pressure on me and i couldn't keep walking on tippy toes and that he just didn't want to be with me and was looking for any excuse. i was like really really thoroughly upset. i was just praying like God im not strong enough to walk away and i don't want to like for the fact that i have been so true and so faithful and believed can you please just let me have this one. and like i want your will but i just don't want to lose him and i fell asleep crying. i prayed hed at least answer the phone. but i knew he wouldn't. so like when i woke up before i called i texted aeric to see if i could come late and leave early. and he said yes. but he did answer. he admitted he did delete me cause he was mad at me. and we talked about it for maybe five minutes. i apologized again and i told him like i was just being stupid but if i had known it would upset him i never would've done it cause it just wasn't important. and like he was sitting right next to me when i did it i thought hed notice right then. but yea then he just changed the subject and told me about his morning. which was catastrophic and hilarious. but yea like then we were on the phone for like 3 hours! we really only got off cause..i cant remember i think he had another customer b ut there were several times where he'd just like put the pphone down and let me listen. it was an awesome way to start my day. and during the convo like he told me just in passing that he made his super steroid payment and had $5 to his name and i knew he needed food so i told him he could use my debit card and pay me back. and he reluctantly agreed after i told him it wasn't a problem. and so i told him we would go to an earlier movie (me and jen) and then id come over and just stay over and he was like ok that's cool. so like i went over there after work. and i was so tired. and i know he was tired. but like chris gave him 100 dollars already. so i didn't have to do anything but buy him karbolyn and im happy because i had a lot of expenses i forgot lol and rents due. but anyway yea so we went to the store real quick. and like literally went home watched some tv a little bit and went to sleep. i wasn't fighting it cause once i took my unisom i could barely keep my eyes open. and lik i mean i wanted to have sex but i was so tired. but somehow we did anyway. i don't know if he nutted or not. it was super wet though and it got on the bed but we stopped and i knocked the fuck out. and like in the morning i could barely wake up he was like wakeup i have to leave soon lol and i just couldn't. im going to have to start taking only one unisom lol ause that shit is like a tranquilizer for me. buut yea so anyway then this morning he was kissing me and he told me to get on top of him and i ddi then like i went down on him to lube it up but i didn't end up getting on top of him he just nutted when i gave him head so easy enough lol then he left and i was actually happy because i wanted to go back to sleep. i slept for like another half hour and just happened to get up RIGHT on time to leave thank the LOrd and i made it RIGHT on time. it was awesome cause like he randomly called me as i was getting close to vitamin shoppe at like 1020. hed been at work like almost an hour. and i figured he needed something but he just called to chat :) i LOVE starting my day off talking to him. and just being on the phone with him. and we just talk about whatever. then jen called me like half an hour later and i accidentally hung up on em. but called em right back and we talked like til the store opened and he said hed text me. he didn't but i didn't care i ended up just asking him how his day was going cause mine was annoying me lol but yea today went well too. and then like as i was leaving i asked him if he would start calling me and waking me up when hes on the way to do cardio so i can get up and like not continue to sleep my life away and make better habits. i didn't know what hed say but he was so receptive and willing and it is just so nice to have him sometimes like ive never prepped WITH someone ya know. he said "okay. for sure. i know its tough. i told myself i was going to weeks ago and i only started this week. it happened last year also. you just gotta get into a groove and now i cant start my day without it. i looked the best i have when i was posing with Lindsay just now. ill call you. better put it on loud cause i wake up early :) i texted him back and he never texted me back but it didn't bother me. its crazy how when you have nothing to worry about...you don't worry. but yea i need to go to bed asap cause of that. update on my fitness journey i was so excited to have made 12% bodyfat so of course i had to start cheating and i couldn't stop i did it all week my head just hasn't been in the right place. so i need to get back on my plan til i get my new one from kim on Friday. i do not care im notprocrastinating anymore. he looks better everyday i want to start seeing drastic awesome results too. like i do not want to mess this up this time. im following that diet to a t i don't care if i don't like it i don't care if im miserable ill find a way. theres only one month left of school before finals ill be ok time has been flying by. i can do this and i will do this it means everything to me. once i get my body right so many doors are going to open that have been closed all this time. im a new person and i know i can do this and i want to. i want to win. i want to be amazing i want my results i want to scare people. and be confident. and WIN. and go pro. and just start living to my potential. or hes going to leave me behind because he already looks AMAZING and he is busting his ass. its my turn. and i know its harder because i have school and yes i am struggling but Sandra says i can get a tutor. id im going to have to have a miracle to pass these last two classes but ill do whatever i can. i want it all. i want my degree and these trophies i need to get OUT OF SCHOOL. God help me do what it takes. i think as far as like fitness goes. im getting too caught up again in the future. in like...whats gunna happen when i look a certain way. my LONG term goals and i forgot about the short term ones that will get me there. the results distracted me from the doing but now anymore. tomorrow is Monday thank the Lord and i am ready to rumble! i'll take a little break from IG right now i need to focus on my body. so no more craziness no more showing off my nothingness to show off. i need to get down to 8%. give me 6 weeks. so in the middle of may. that's the goal. a pound of fat a week. and hopefully gain some muscle. now i have two days to lose this horrible water and take my starting pics for kim. im so excited and like...curious what hes going to give me i wish it was tomorrow!!

Im an idiot. a good hearted idiot

Of course. I texted him. aeric is transferring stores and I was upset. and I thought about him all day so when I got in the car to leave work I texted him about it. I missed him so much. I know talking to him right now is just going to make things worse and remind me hes still the same horrible person he was 5 days ago. I cant be strong enough or the person I need to be for him to value me. he just should. but he wont. I know we wont get another chance. and im going to have to go through this and deal with the pain  no matter what. cause the devil has a strong hold on him and hes not letting go. and if he cared about me he would've texted me before now. he didn't even text me this time. he obviously doesn't miss me. I need to end the convo as soon as possible before I get hurt even worse. God Im so sorry. I just wanted to talk to him. I miss hhim so much and it is so hard going through the week without talking to him. I love my life theres nothing missing from it I wouldn't change anything. I just...I had my dream guy and he has turned into a nightmare and I miss the person I fell for. but he is so heartless and dead inside. and he has no feelings for me. Please help me and just carry me away because im just nnot strong enough to do this myself. when I love I love hard and I don't let go and I feel like this is never going to end. me and him are over but im just going to keep hurting and keep holding on. I hate that about myself I hate that I do that. I need to focus and let him go. God help me. I cant. idk what to do. I do know what to do but regardless of what I do I just feel....crappy. why couldn't he miss me. why couldn't he cry?? why couldn't he ever value me how did I let myself see any good in this person and why do I still see it when will I wakeup and realize life is not a fucking fairy tale I haven't ever gotten one fairy tale ending ever not one time it always ends in tragedy. and I still just...maybe its my coping mechanism. I could cry so hard. for so long. cause it hurts so much I miss him. and it sjust little weak me. looking stupid. talking to him. never just staying away boosting his already monstrous head. he would've never come after me. God help me. I was wrong and now im just.. paying for it. after we got done talking about aeric I said "how bout you? how are you? I try not to worry." and this motherfucker says "now why would you worry lol im pretty good though. just focusing on the show working a lot. how are you?" How could he laugh why doesn't he see it God I want him to stop selling drugs so bad!!!! what I said meant nothing to him God I was right in what I said he has sunk down to the deepest scum! omg. how does he sleep. he feels no fucking remorse he doesn't plan on apologizing how did I get myself involved with someone so horrible God please help me. he laughed.....BECAUSE YOU SELL DRUGS YOU IDIOT. BECAUSE YOUVE SOLD YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL. I guess there is nothing to worry about. hes happy. :( hes happy. God help me. im over here writing freaking novels every day and every night waking up and going to bed thinking about him and he is happy. I believe in you Go I want you to k now that I don't know when o how but I know by some kind of miracle youre going to pull me out of this hole ive gotten myself into and I want to again apologize from the bottom of my heart for getting myself into it. and everytime you get me out I jump right back in I really am so sorry God. I know im weak. but I have a really really good heart and I promise unlike him I will be of use to you one day. I really am sorry. I guess its good that I texted im. I needed to be reminded what im dealing with. this is not sweet corey that thinks about me all the time and misses me and texts me and wants to be with me. this is the real corey. the asshole. who is so obsessed with money and the mirror I porobably haven't even crossed his mind. I just deleied the texts im not answering him. all this time he hasn't said a word. hasn't apologized. hasn't checked on me. and hes just been going on with his life. man. itll take a miracle but I know youll catrry me to a better place and away from this person God. one day I wont hurt anymore its hard to believe but I do. im gunna go plug this stupi pone up. and im over here thinking oh im not texting back to that. and that he would even notice. please. he'll go right back to his perfect sin infested life. God help me focus please. ii really want to just go to bed.

day 1 ending well

Had to pep talk myself when I got to the gym. and my self talk has changed since then. and my fake convos with him have too lol now im making videos and posting on IG. my paid shoutouts didn't go AS WELL as I thought they would. guess I need better material. i'll wait to do it again until I look better. once I get down to 8% (im giving myself 6 weeks that's a pound a week) i'll be looking RIGHT and ready to go. that'll be about 4 weeks into working with kim so it'll be good. anyway so yea I really just had to say like I need to give myself credit. cause what im doing is hard but its right. he never does the right thing he always does the easy thing. the easy thing would be to beg him to talk to me but I haven't. I stood up to him on Saturday and didn't let him talk to me all crazy. then when he broke his promise and went silent again instead of begging him or trying to convince him or make him talk to me I ended it. he had his chance and he blew it. and it wasn't easy I love this person. its never easy to walk away from someone you love even when they treat you bad or when they walk away from you. I guess that's what happened. he slammed the door in my face and I went home. instead of asking to come back in. cause the truth is he was lucky to have me. more than lucky this fool was blessed. I was very good to him. my insecurity last week was more like a premonition and it came true. he has choices everyday and he makes the wrong ones every chance he gets. I was good as hell to him and always there for him and everything you could want in a girl and he acted like he was above me when the truth is im out of his league. by a lot. he blew it. and I am strong to walk away. and I didn't give him any slack I told him the truth 100%. it is true I am happy and free without him. and if he uses that for an excuse to hurt me then its just more poor character. this is HIS fuck up. hes the one that is paying right now not me. he should be missing me what do I have to miss how deep do I have to dig to find those good memories. hes got them all the time. his only chance is to plea with me when I go see him for my drugs. and I will tell him he has to stop selling weed. I checked my phone and he did like the pic. which was a positive sign. means he did read my text. he did not block me. he probably does feel bad and might be starting t miss me. but unless he wants to apologize, own up, and SAY THAT. I don't need to hear from him so I don't expect to cause not once has he ever fought for me. theres no many things I cant live with that he does and unless he takes a big step and chooses that he wants to make every effort to be a better person we cannot be together. its going to hurt like hell and ill probably cry on the way home but I have to get my shit and leave and not ever go back. like I cant stand by and let someone treat me that way, period. ill never love ans respect myself if I do. and right now I hurt a little but I respect myself for being strong and I choose me. if he wanted to work on himself or once and wanted to make us work id be down for that. I will be honest if he asks I do miss him. but I am not going to allow him to just attempt to act as if nothing happened. you don't do me wrong treat me shitty and never apologize and if you care you don't just let me go you fight for me. I hope he does though I don't believe h will. I know I deserve for him to. but I think the only way ill be taken seriously is if I actually go 100% through with this. which is not what I want. but he doesn't recognize urgency, I can see him letting me go. and I mean...its just gunna suck but it is what it is. if he asks me I will give him a choice. to choose me and the right path stop selling weed try to be a better person and stop treating me and his mom shitty. or ill leave and never come back. like. that's it ya know. and if he doesn't bring it up or try to talk to me its going to be really hard for me not  to be like so you have nothing to say to me? but I mean all the times I fought for him. if he wont do it for me why would I want him. it will never be equal if he doesn't value me at least that much. so yea. hes got 10 days to decide before he will hear from me. I don't expect to hear from him. im really hoping I don't get that confirmation text. the I wont change you deserve better text. I want the you deserve better and I want to give it to you text, the im tired of being this person I want to change text. but I don't expect it I have never walked away and stayed away though. maybe itll save us. maybe nothing can. idk. all I know is im not doing shit for that boy anymore and im not fighting for this. its his turn this will be the revelation of like has all my hard work and investment in this really been a waste, but yea. so im going to be building myself up and building my strength and just really getting used to life without him in the mean time. I pray that this wont be forever. that time without me and not speaking to me at all and me not backing down will somehow give him time to think and decide what he wants and that if he looks into his heart he'll find me there. if he still has one. but its ALL up to him. the ball is in his court at this point. im scared to lose him but I trust God and I know hes just doing whats best for me. all I know is im strong and awesome for doing this. I shouldn't feel bad a day in my life I deserve to smile and if he takes my smile away then im going to take my love away. and he thinks he wont miss it. maybe he wont. I truly don't know if he will miss me or not.i know hes never missed me enough to come back. hes surprised me before. but I mean. idk. ill keep being strong. ill stick to my word no matter wht and if I cry I wont let him see. all im gunna post on instagram is positive and fitness related stuff. and im going to try to actually BE positive everyday and just...be a better me. and if he gets left behind fine. I do miss him. I do hope that he comes around. but I know it would take nothing short of a miracle.nd im so far gone. I don't want to go back to hurting. its not worth it.

day 1 so far so good

well. wokeup with anxiety. had a really hard time getting up. eft so late I skipped my first class and missed my second by pretty much an hour. im in good spirits though. I mean I did cry a little bit while doing my makeup in the car today (did my makeup and hair so I could take a pretty selfie at school today among the crazy selection of backgrounds lol it turned out really really good) obviously everytime I hope he'll like it. hes pretty much stopped doing that. which sucks. but whatever. yea I know he'll see it though. at least he'll be constantly reminded that im gorgeous with an amazing personality through instagram and im sure when his mom catches on to all this she will give him shit. the people at the gym might even. the main reason im crying is cause I was so close and now we're back to square one. where we always end up and hes made it so that I can never be with him and not even that. its not like he messed up and is begging for my forgiveness right now, no that would be too kind. instead he messed up, didn't even like acknowledge it whatsoever no im sorry for the way ive been treating you no attempt to stop. complete silence. hes just letting me go completely. one thing that makes me feel good is that I let there be silence for two days and then instead of begging him to talk to me or trying to work it out I told the truth. and ended it. and normally within a few days I would reach out again. tell him how much he hurt me. or try to see if we could talk and work it out. ask if this was what he really wanted. this time im not. it doesn't matter. so the max ive gone is 4 days before doing that. this time it wont be 5. it will be 10. and on th 10th day im still not going to give him anything. im going to tell him what I need and ask him when I can come get it. and that's it. I mean...idk im thinking 2 full weeks without us speaking or seeing eachother which is hands down the absolute longest. weve gone two weeks without seeing eachother again and again but we never truly don't speak. I know ive lost my creidibility. he doesn't believe me I always say this. I hope he didn't block me on his phone. whatever he may have. he didn't block chris. so idk what the deal is. that situation is so unfair. if they had not stayed friends it probably would've been better. I like chris he is so nice to me but seriously I hate the influence he has on him. I hate this whole situation. why did I have to lose my boyfriend to freaking weed and ..narcissim. like why cant he just try to be a decent human being why doesn't he care I really really didn't want to believe there was no hope for him. it hurts me a lot that he never apologized or reached out. if I hadn't made him talk to me last week we probably wouldn't have even seen eachother this past weekend. I wanted to tell the story ya know of how we overcame and how he actually got better. HE DID. I SAW IT. AGAIN. but I guess that's the phase. im the phase. all this negative shit. this is who he is this is how hell stay and it sucks big donkey balls. I want that person back so bad. I looked back at the texts today omg we were so happy. all the convos were so damn positive we were always laughing and flirting and wanting to be together. 2 freaking weeks ago. now we don't even speak. this is not what I want. I know its the right thing so im going to do it. but I hate it. with a passion. I want to talk to him. I have to turn my phone off everyday just so I don't check it every five seconds and mostly so I do not text him cause it is so hard. I want to talk to him. I don't want this. I don't want 2 more weeks of silence. even then hes gunna have to get the stuff. like I wont talk to him til NEXT Friday and it could take him a week to get what I need so I might not see him til the second week of april. or what if kim doesn't prescribe me anything yet. I don't want this. im doing what I have to but I hate it and im so scared its going to be permanent. I would say it never it but that's because of me. he has never come back to me ever ever ever. I want to see him tonight ya know? like im over my anger I remember how he was I miss that person I miss when he gave a shit and it breaks my heart that he doesn't anymore. im okay. I get it. I see the light. and ill be fine but now that my heart has caught on its fighting this. its fighting me. and im beginning to hate the damn thing. I think about him all the time im constantly writing these memos. and like..i mean its been 4 days already since weve spoken. yday I said ALL THAT and he said nothing! nothing mean nothing nice, just nothing, I mean it cuts like a knife. and now I have to do the same thing which im sure has more power than I think but in the mean time it hurts me too. he runs from his problems. he runs from me. and insodoing he gets to not think about it, no worry about it, act like its not happening. me, it haunts. I think about it everyday I know hes off today. bet he just got done working out. probably eating and showering. he might posed today idk. he'll be off today and Friday just like me but i'll have to act like idk. it wouldn't matter. its not like oh give me what I had I should've appreciated it. no. I do not. it was bad. never texting me. having an attitude when he did. being a dick to me in person. no hug whether im coming or going. no cuddling at night. not walking me to the car. not wanting to spend any time with me spending the ENTIRE TIME selling weed. and running fucking errands. constantly. CONSTANTLY. he didn't even look at me the whole time. all he did was look in the mirror and count his damn money. its like heres your prince oh wait nevermind heres an ugly beast. I mean. idk. I don't know if he even read what I said. if he did how can he not think about it how can it not get to him? really? how can he live with himself its so horrible. I miss cuddling and snuggling and any kind of affection or sweetness whatsoever. I miss him focusing on ME. and hell no I don't feel bad I spent half a year of my life focusing on that boy. I wanted us to focus on eachother sometimes. at leats once a week that's all I wanted. I want him to sotp fucking selling weed. SO BAD. I want when I go over there for him to just leave his damn phone alone. tell people hes busy and he can see them ANY OTHER FUCKING TIME. itwould be fine if he just didn't answer. I miss the quality time. I hated being alone in his fucking presence its like I was invisible. and im over that. I wish he would call me. and just..say he was sorry. and that he misses me and hes going to stop selling weed. and spend more time with me. and that were going to be okay gah would it ever kill him to tell me things will be okay. instead my phone is off and if I turn it back on there will be nothing from him. I miss him. I wont say it but I do. terribly. I just want to go over there walk in the door and us both hug like...im tired of letting him go. but I guess if I do it for good now I wont ever have to again. I just don't wan tthis. I was so good. so true. I had my insecurities but that's houldnt be the end of a relationship he mustve just never wanted me. cuts like a knife. like A KNIFE I say. I want to believe he thinks about me. that he misses me and has been slightly sad these past couple days but I know he hasn't he would tlak to me if he was. hes avoidingme cause he thinks im annoying and is sick of me nagging so instead of changing he just cuts me off. I hate who hes become and im mad that he has hidden my prince from me I deserve that person. we could work through anything and figure out a way to make it freaking work. :( God help me. this is just. not what I expected and its not what I want and as many times as ive done it it still sucks. I still love him. I still believe and I feel like its going to be a long two days. please help me in Jesus name amen.

My LAst words to him - another good day

So I did text him this morning. cause it was 8am and I couldn't sleep. kept thking about what id say if he texted me. so I typed it up. then it was so good I just went ahead and sent it. left the phone in the car most the day. he nevr responded. not going to lie I thought he would but I thought he would've apologized or said something by now. this is unlike him. sadly it appears he really has changed. its very sad to me. anyway I had a good day. I miss him. had some anxiety this morning. I hope hes okay. thought he might've blocked me and never even read it. he didn't block me on ig though or unfollow me. so he doesn't hate me. idk. idk whats going on. this is the longest hes done this. I expected him to text me. guess hes sick of it. I do pray though that he at least read what I sent though I know he doesn't like to. but this is what I said


"You Promised me this wouldn't Happen again. You basically lied. You also lied when you said you were making a commitment not to smoke. That you were starting over from your moms house. That you were going to be a better person and didn't like who you'd become. God saved you from that life and instead of starting over you brought it to your moms house. You put your mom in danger and disrespect her every day not only by treating her like shit but by selling weed out of her house and then you're stingy with the money you make. You lie and manipulate. You use people. Youre greedy. Arrogant. When I met you you were a beautiful person. You were humble and sweet and caring. and I fought so hard to preserve that. And you betrayed my trust and faith by becoming this again. Apparently this is who you are. There is no good in you. I dont even know this person. Youre greedy and cruel. Something I would never have said before. I was there for you when you didn't have a dime. I came to see you every other day in that jail. I liked you for who you were on the inside I never cared how you look. And now that you're getting more technically physically attractive I cant even look at you. Everytime I see you you get worse. And its disgusting and makes me so sad. Never did I think I'd say I was happier and felt more free without you. But it's the truth. Youre mean. You have become a snot nosed brat. You are disrespectful and ungrateful to me. Worse than your mom. Anyone worth having in you're life and that TRULY cared about you wouldn't let you go down this path without saying anything. Instead of being you you're becoming Chris. But worse. You don't think twice about breaking promises to me. Me, Corey. Ive been like an angel in your life. The one person whose only crime ever against you was telling the truthnin a mean way. Who has NEVER let you down. The girl that has done everuthing for you and always believed in you. As a human being even when you didn't believe in yourself. The one you value least. Youre not strong enough to live this life and not let it take over you no one is. And for all this money and so called success you have to take the short cut to, you're sacrificing the only thing of true value you have. Your soul. Your heart is getting smaller. Youre shaming God, your mom, and me. And for what? Damn I never thought I'd see the light but I guess I have. I never give up on people and I never lose faith. But I guess you're just really good at what you do. I pray so hard but there's no hope for you. You have become a monster. And youre toxic to me. You have no interest in me or my wellbeing. You've forgotten who i am but worse you've forgotten who you are. I thought there was nothing you could do to make me thjnk less of you or change how i feel about you but watching you turn from a frog to a prince to a hideous beast is more than i can take. Going through this obstacle course for you has made me so strong and a better person than i was. Now i know to value myself and not let people like you take advantage of me and treat me poorly. So I will be seeing you when I need to purchase my shit from you. And at that point I will also be picking up all my things. Thank you for at least having the decency to let me go though I know its cause you dont care, not because you do. I will see you briefly probably in about two weeks. Then I'll see you at the show. I truly do wish you the best."

Its so well worded. I am a lyrical genius lol anyway I mean I know I didn't sugar coat. but this is what he needed to hear so I really hope he read it so that maybe I can at least plant the seed. ill keep praying for him but that's all I can do. eventually ill stop checking my phone to see if he responded. and it will be 2 full weeks and then ill have an excuse to talk to him if kim prescribes me drugs. if he doesn't, it will sadden me because that means I wont see him til the show. ill have to keep my mouth shut and not say anything somehow. I think as this week goes on ill start to miss him more and be more and more disappointed that he never reached out to me, and it will get slightly worse before it gets better but I do feel awesome. I feel so great about myself. I feel beautiful and like I have so much to offer. and so confident I love how my body is changing. im excited about the future. I know whatever diet kim gives me I will be able to do it and ill stick to it and get amazing results. im too thrilled about thiscompetition season. but yea idk. I didn't cry today. my eyes tear up a little when I talk about how much I miss the person I thought he was but I don't just bawl anymore. I do love that person so this is kind of a blessing. to hide that person from me helps me to walk away. it sucks cause I feel like ill always have feelings for him especially since this is just so...adbrupt. and unnecessary. but hey what can you do. I don't love mr hyde this ugly version of him. idk. I pray he read it and just did the face in hands like wow. and thought to himself shes right. I hope when he looked in the mirror after that he didn't like what he saw. I hope he stared at himself and thought wow what have I become. I hope he had anxiety and felt shitty the rest of the day. because like..idk whatever to get him to snap out of this is don't want this change to be permanent. I wish he would just break down and desperately want to be better. I wish we could go to church together and pursue being better people together I am 100% down for that. and if he wanted to change and wanted to like be better I would love to be there for him though I don't trust him anymore and cant see that changing. and no like my mind hasn't fully wrapped itself around him and me being done. im not sure if this is the longest hes gone without talking to me. well no. the week after valentines day he ignored me for a full week. so I mean. theres always hope. I would rather work it out than leave him like this. even though he basically shoved me out the door. I want nothing to do with this person. this prson need not speak to me and if this is who he really is im glad its over. regardless im happy and ill be fine. I just wish he would feel bad and apologize. that maybe I could get to him and he would realize the error of his ways and start making hanges to be better. I realize now like first I wll not be with a drug dealer. that's just not okay. and the arrogance is number 2. umber 3 is the disrespect towards me, the corey I loved was sweet and caring and nonjudgemental, and most importantly humble. I would love for him to take the initiative and change his life. but I don't know how that could possibly happen. I know God can do whatever he wants. he can intervene. but idk if he will. idk whats in his willr ight now so im just going to keep praying and be thankful that he made it so that something can could've destroyed me instead made me better. and I am really truly at peace ad happy everyday. I just miss my corey. my sweet baby who would cuddle me in the middle of the night. and loved to snuggle. that called me babe and baby and called me just to tell me a story. that wanted me with him and we didn't have to do anything just chilled all the time. that texted me every morning. that told me everything and that I told everything to. I remember him holding my face and saying just be with me. and us talking abou everything. I still have the text. even after I left last week. of him saying he loved that I cared about him and it made him happy. I miss talking to him. I miss not having the anxiety. I miss counting the days til id get to see him again and knowing he was doing the same. I miss sending eachother funny memes. talking at all. we talked everyday all day. I didn't have to hold back. it was all smiley faces and compliments and I was SO happy and so was he. I miss him. truly I do. and it saddens me so much to have to let him go and end everything and give it all up because of his choices but hes not a victim. he is choosing this. and he likes it. hes become true scum and I will have nothing to do with him. God give me the strength to let go more each day and no matter how much I want to say something...to say nothing. because I said all I could say and I want to move past this. its just so hard cause I am still in love with a person that is trapped in there. I cant free him. he doesn't want me to. I wont see him again. and I really really loved that person. I felt like we could get through anything. I miss him so freaking much ive misse dhim for so long and I waited and I worked for him and he finaly came to me and I was so happy and I feel like I kinda brought this person back out but I mean if hes in there I cant be on my best behavior all the time. I wish this prson could be removed so only the sweet corey remained. we all have our issues but this is evil. hes ugly and mean and bad all the way around. I pray you can save him God and ill continue to pray. for once its looking like he wont come back to me. guess ill start counting the days again. starting tomorrow. tomorrow will be day 1. even though..its been .. 2 full days since weve spoken. basically 3. ill start with the day I didn't talk to him at all which will be tomorrow. im thankful I no longer let it ruin my day. man I sure do miss him though. I really really do.

This is ending..and I'm okay with it

So I basically just left the house cause he was taking too long and I just called him and told him I was coming. he said he was going to tell me to come over but im pretty sure he lied. got there at the same time as me and wasn't that welcoming. I cleaned his room for him and he got nicer. seemed like he wanted to just jump to the physical stuf but I made him talk to me. then chris came over but I made him finish the convo. he said he didn't know why he was being like that he couldn't remember? and that he was sorry for being a dick and promised not to do that again. that if he had a problem hed just say something. I left the next day pissed off so he called me. apologized for being inconsiderate and said he did want me to come back. I did. we went to the gym. took it upon myself to introduce myselfto everyone and make friends. so that was just me overthinking cause the ppl in his life are super nice. but anyway yea had a great time couldn't wait to go back. then the rest of the day was running errands. I mean. idk I ended up leaving at the end of the night cause we went to the store aand he wouldn't buy his mom sleeping meds so I couldn't sleep and he had to wake up early for work which I didn't know. he didn't walk me to the car. I cried furiously all the way home cause I frealized he just didn't give a shit about me and I was screwed whether I stayed or went. as far as the relationship goes. hes a bad person. isn't going to change I can tell by how he treats his mom hes not gunna be a good man. and hes gotten so arrogant all he does is stare at himself all day and like talk shit and just be cocky and ugly. the better he looks physically the less inwardly attractive he gets. I cant even at this point remember why iw as so obsessed or what I saw in him which is probably a great thing. but yea so I mean I decided whatever he said I was going to ignore him. so he texted me morning and I ignored him. an hour and a half later hes like hello and I said hey and he was like whats wrong with you and I was like wow really youre rude and he said I was rude and was being weird and then I said you texted me when you knew I would be asleep and now an hour and a half later youre texting me when I just walked into work whos being rude and weird and hes like lol sorry my bad have a nice day? and I sent him question marks and he sent me the angry face and I just told him like damn can we just not like its early can we be nice to eachother and blah blah and then I was like and angry face right back at you. and I told him he could really stand to treat the women in his life better. and I knew he wouldn't reply. and he didn't. that was yday at like 1130. it is now 1030 pm the next day. and I have no apology. no hope you have a good day. no nothing. like...it turns out he Is a frog. once again hes going down the wrong road. becoming a really really ugly person. and I mean my confidence has gone up I had to get my shit together because he wasn't giving me any help. so now I know im awesome I know im worth it and I know like I cant be replaced. but he can. and its all good honestly becaue like I said he is very ugly to me now. who wants to be with someone like that. today Bradley martyn liked one of my pics and it just made me realize there are so much beter dudes out there theyre just not here now. one day ill have maybe a new scene and new prospects. but like this isn't working. really. and I haven't cried since the night I left. because what I there to miss. I cant think of one positive thing to say about this kid right now. he finally succeeded in making me see who he really is. he is an asshole. I was wrong but hey my intentions were sincere. I have seen good. but it is gone now. hes thrown it away he likes being this snot nosed brat and that's fine but I want nothing to do with it. like all he does is suck the life out of me I hate his attitude. yes like I do have SOME interest idk like if he were to come after me sincerely. but I don't believe he actually gives a shit I cant believe anymore that he could love anyone but himself it would have to be someone who cared less about him. cause he shits on people who love him so im screwed in that aspect. but I feel no love right now. im disguted with his behavior idc how he looks I liked him when he was fat. I never cared. it was his personality. his sweetness that I loved. now he is absolutely hideous. and I don't want it. so we haven't spoken. and I don't plan on speaking to him. I mean he acts like he doesn't give a shit whether I stay or go so im not wasting my energy trying to make this work. im not wasting gas going over there which will only happen now if I initiate. and im not. cause I deserve better tan this bullshit and I am happier without him. I wanted to make it work. but its impossible. I feel no connection no bond not drawn to him at all because his soul is blackening and its repulsive. I never thought he could do anything to make me think less of him but he has. I have nothing positive to say anout him whatsoever I don't even remember the positive I have to try and itshard to picture us ever beng together. I mean I guess technically we are. but I guess its going to just end like me and Anthony where we just randomly stop talking. and I know his mom is going to ask him about me. and hes going to catch shit for fucking it up. and people at the gym will probably ask him about me. he may not catch shit but I wont be so easily forgotten. I plan on ignoring him even if he does talk to me. I mean I wonder if he has thought about me or thought about texting me. or if he even knows he fucked up or how. most likely he just doesn't care which is crazy. cause just 10 days ago he did. just a week ago. he did. I tried to break up with him and he didn't want it. but now hes just over it and its fine because like I said. hes UGLY inside. truly. bleh. but yea I mean I left my phone in my car for like 8 hours today and didn't have anything when I got in it. nothing from him. hes an ass. maybe he thinks I will eventually text him but I know I wont. at all. not even a chance. im not feeding that ego. that monster. not one bit. I wont even compliment him now I wont make him feel good AT ALL. groooossssssssssss. seriously I HATE THAT HE HAS BECOME THIS. I prayed and prayed and encouraged and tried and I have had no good effect on this kid hes a lost damn cause. some other bitch may be able to change him but it aint me. I don't even care to try anymore. hes a monster. seriously. I mean without him I have close to no stress. and just I feel so damn good about myself now. I hate how he treats me how he talks to me how he talks to everyone I hate his morals and his behavior I hate the road hes going down and I prayed for God to keep him off it but this just must be his destiny. I cant do it. drug dealing. just general soul slacking. I cant. man I don't want to study or cook or wash clothes or stay up as late as I planned to. but I guess I will. boo. don't be lazy. anyway good news is I reached my goal of 12% bodyfat. so I had taco cabana. everything else normal. then yday I ate like bad for every meal. today I paid for it. dabbled a little but my appetite has expanded but im ready to get back on my strict clean eating im used to it now and I want to get even leaner. but yea so basically my plan riht now is to walk and just keep walking further everyday. if he comes after me I mean ill listen to my gut. idk if I will turn him away. I do plan on ignoring him for at least a week cause I want to give him a taste of his own medicine. im not caving. so we just may not speak until I need drugs. then ill get my stuff. ill miss his mom and the gym but I wont miss him. hes changed. and I don't want this person. apparently this was who he always really was. I felt it happening last week. but anyway yea SO. my original plan was that even if we do talk we cant see eachother until april 4th. that's 2 weeks since 1 week doesn't seem to be enough. I know ive made myself too available and too easy. theres really no going back from that I cant undo it he doesn't respect me or value me. all I can do is leave. and I don't have the heart to say it again so I wont say anything. he can end it or it can just be assumed. I figured he would text me this morning or at some point today. guess not. that really shows even more his poor character but its all good. I had a very good day. and a good workout. did interval training. excited for the future feeling very positive and stress free and focused and I don't want to ruin it with him. I don't plan on texting him until I need my drugs. I do wish he would apologize sincerely. and yea I would prefer to work it out. but I cant change who he is or that I don't like it. I knew he wouldn't be able to partake in this lifestyle without it dragging him down with it. but I cant say or do anything to change it. I really don't want him to go to freaking jail. but anyway. idk. maybe that would help him. maybe it would change him but hes been to jail in the past. hes not scared of it. at this point...idk it keeps coming back to like the same thing. worse and worse things I feel are going to have to happen to him for him to like learn. I want him to stop selling weed. he doesn't have to he can just save up I mean he lives with his mom for Christs sake. it may take longer but I would so love for him to be legit. its going to be so hard for him to quit this. its just...really making him so ugly though he cant resist. hes supposed to cut people off and stop smoking in april but like...I don't even believe it. I mean. I want good for him. I still care abou him deeply. but damn the kid is a freaking hazard. hes BAD FOR ME. hes mean to me now. gives me attitude and disrespect he doesn't say anything nice to me ever all he cares about in this world is himself. hes selfish and greedy and honestly narcissistic at this point. its horrible : / I wish he would stop dealing. and just.....wake up and WANT to also be a good person. I wish he would wakeup one day and dislike what he saw. I wish he could see how ugly he is. like..idk if he can succeed and be a good person. I honestly don't think he can. I want him to just have a good safe life but hes just in the damn hole. I don't want him to get hurt. it would be horrible if he couldn't compete this year. but asfar as just...saving his soul I feel like its the only way. but I hate that bad things have to happen to change us. I hate that we have to get hurt to save us. I hate it. I wish he could do better without that but he cant. and he may just keep on this road and be fine. and that means that he will get worse and worse and just be an asshole which is so sad because he WAS humble. and sweet. and caring. and a good person. but now, hes dark. and devious. and poisionous. so I have to stay away and I cant express how stress free and positive my life is without him. I don't wish him ill :( I just wish...idk. God himself would have to intervene to save him now. but what happened last time I thought it would humble him but it didn't. getting back friends wit chris was bad for him cause now he is worse. if he doesn't stop dealing and stop smoking and focus on being a better human being we can never ever be together. and as of now that is my verdict. im going to avoid him like the plague. I do want to talk to him now that im not as mad. but not this version of him. this is so ugly. but hey, im done worrying for him. I'll say one last prayer. God if you can save him and stop him from becoming this person, even if it means he cant compete this year, then I think it would be worth it. he has so much potential to be a good person and to not be this ugly. If its in your will can you please intervene. and save him from himself. hes just going down the complete wrong road. and becoming uglier and uglier everyday and I mean I know hes not the guy for me. and we will probably never get to  be together. but if you will please just believe me when I say this is not all there is to him. he can be more. he can be a good person. hes just LOST and SO MISLED. and super...arrogant and going down an evil evil path. if you don't have a better plan for him and hes going to be just another a hole bodybuilder using everyone and everything and being greedy and horrible then okay. but my heart and my intentions are true. I know this isn't how you want him to be. and I believe you can save people from themselves and make them better even if it causes them pain at the time its worth it cause you can be proud of who you are down the road and to have a relationship with you that is strong and good is always worth it. if you can, please save him. please don't make it so he cant walk or do anything. I don't want him to get hurt God I just want you to...intervene do SOMETHING before he permanently turns into the monster he has become. if you can. if you will. In Jesus Name amen.
it drives me nuts to look at my phone and see nothing. ive given up on him though. I care not to be a part of this life.
I personally am excited because im getting closer and closer to working with KIm. closer to my dreams coming true :) and im seeing awesome results and I am proud of who I have become. for the first time ever im alone and happy and not lonely and I just am thankful that I am where I am. Thank you God. you did save ME from him so that's all I can ask for. ive prayed for him sp much. there seems to be no hoope he just attracts to that life. maybe some people aren't meant to be saved. and I know me and him were just never meant to be so its not even worth worrying about.

I GOT NO PATIENCE. AND I HATE WAITING

But its the story of my life with him. today I texted him. in the morning. cause I was mad. this is no way to end things. at first he got a little attitude but then he started to understand. he said we could talk in person. asked me if I worked tomorrow. and hes off too. I got half a mind to go ahead and leave and head over there just in case he checks his phone I can always turn around I doubt hes going to say no. he woke up from a nap at like 8 idk what hes doing but I want to go over there so he can fucking tell me whats going on and whats going to happen with us. I did my hair. im just waiting for him to answer. cause earlier I sent like this novel and he said im not ignoring you im lifting ill text you after. and he did. saying hey ...and then saying whatsup. really. and weve just been having small talk but I want to go over there im just sitting here im so sick of waiting on him I want to get this shit resolved. I gotta get measured in the morning so I would leave at like 10 which is fine ya know. and like yea..we wouldn't be spending TOO much time together. I really hope he checks his phone cause I am so freaking bored. I think ill get my shit together and head over there. its getting late its like 8:50. blah. alright. yea I think im gunna leave God please let him check his phone and say yes.

I choose Peace

We didn't talk today. I was hoping id say that, hed say some mean shit. and then id cry and be furious and struggle. fall asleep and wakeup determined and able to set forth on the path to recovery. instead, nothing. I got to sleep at a decent time. like 1130 probably. tossed and turned a bit but not too bad. I think I did the majority of my crying the night before. but yea..soooo this morning he texts me at 10am? saying " I hope you have a good day today" THE FUCK IS THAT. I mean did he do that to infuriate me. did he sincerely hope I had a good day. I wasn't going to text him but I did at the end of the day saying I had a great day today thanks. but yea. I mean..im just happy with where I am mentally as compared to in the past. now I guess I can officially say we broke up on march 18th. 4 days after our... um..like yea 6 month anniversary from when we started dating the first time. its like an identical situation honestly. he starts avoiding me randomly. then like just doesn't talk to me until I break up with him.i guess we haven't come as far as I thought we had. to be back at legit square one. but I am SO PROUD. because like I think people around me who have watched me can say that they literally witnessed me get so much sstronger in 6 months. from being dysfunctional. crying several times throughout the day in the bathroom at work. like..being antisocial. getting complaints. making angry instagram and fb posts. telling everyone. to literally not just not telling anyone but them not even being able to tell! to going to work, to school, not losing my motivation to workout. self esteem not suffering whatsoever in fact getting better. like never 6 months ago could I say I ever had peace. but now, like I am sad don't get me wrong. this isn't what I wanted at all. I think about him. and I do miss him. but im not like resisting it. I have peace. and I value that over all now. and I think that's worth this whole journey for me to seriously see whats important. and realize im happy with my life just how it is and I value peace and stability. I do still check for the block symbol but today I left my phone off and in my bag until close. only checking it sometimes every few hours when I went to the bathroom. and like I wasn't dying I think ill continue to do that. deactivating my f was like a really huge weight lifted and like detaching from my phone a bit helps too just to show me like what my life is really like. what is HERE RIGHT NOW is not bad at all. its me acting like im somewhere else. in a scary jungle or something and my stress goes through the roof. I have grown just in this week because of this situation and ive learned. im not necessarily happy. it hurts a little. but I mean I really do feel like..a peace. I have no anxiety. im chillin. I did think he would text me more than that today. maybe it really is over. I mean at the end of the day if things end right now neither of us will suffer a huge loss. I definitely wont. as the weeks go by im going to get better and better and then start executing my plan of becoming an instalebrity lol and like blow him out of the water. everyday I get physically and mentally better. and just ill be focused on my life and so at peace that the past will leave my mind and hell be a memory I rarely refer to. and he..he can live off hype. which is retarded but whatever he can keep surfing this imaginary wave feeling likes hes a somebody when in the grand scheme of things outside of cypress hes really not. and if we went to the Olympia or the Arnold I would have more people to talk to who actually knew me but its whatever. its not about that. I don't care about any of that. right now like..i feel good. I had a good day. I laughed. genuinely. I just..im excited to work with kim. this is my time. and im not letting him ruin it. he did the right thing letting me go because I deserve beter and right now im going to focus on me but one day his trash will be another mans treasure. and I am not fucking trash. I know I can do better. I just loved how it felt when we were together but its too conditional and im sick of him acting like hes retarded. like tyree. I know he wont just snap his fingers and get over me like I will him. cause I didn't do anything wrong so it wont be easy. as time goes on I start to forgt about him cause life is so care free without him and he was such a piece of shit. but he is only going to start to feel bad and I will look better and better to him in time and he will feel stupid. I can guarantee that. we talked everyday. right now he may be fine and it may seem like nothing but it will bother him at some point. cause hype cant last forever. and his life is not easy. so whatever. I have to be strong and try my best to ignore him if he does reach out. I decided that if he wants to plead his case and like talk about things and makes it clear he is sorry and wants me back THEN I will listen. because he has always listened to me. but I mean... other than that. I don't think hell say anything to me. not along those lines. he might like in a few days say he thinks he did the right thing LOL because I deserve better and things just weren't right between us blah blah. and if iget the chance (in person) I will definitely be speaking my mind in its entirety. and it would feel awesome. I mean I wonder if he even thought of me today. its actually really nice cause like I didn't think of him like I used to. it really wasn't a painful day. it went by fast. I kept myself busy. I wasn't tempted to text him this and that all day. like im so thankful thank you God cause I am in a wonderful mental place. I feel like..hes a trigger. I feel like if I let him go my life is going to transform into a really positive thing and I am going to transcend into a really positive individual and my time is really coming. but like if having him costs me my peace im not willing to pay that and he doesn't care about peace. he cares about all the wrong things and I cant save him. instead of being a good influence and bringing him into the light he brings me into his darkness and hes not worth it. like I have gotten over so many people. he reminds me of trey. I mean he introduced me to his family and I thought we were gunna be something but like I let that go and didn't look back and focused on my show. and that's what im going to do now. ill hit him up in 2 weeks when I need drugs. but that's about it. and I don't doubt myself I know I can do it. im not at my full potential now without my hair and my body isn't where it will be. but im still beautiful.. I like being pale. I like having dark hair and being kind of edgy and different I don't want to be like everybody else I don't want to like feel pressured to be tan or have big fake boobs or super long hair or be white. like I want someone who likes me as I am. hes right to let me go if he does. and if he doesn't im going to encourage him to. im too far ahead I don't wan tto backtrack. so God please just keep me on this positive path and help me not look back. im curious if he will talk to me tomorrow or Friday because he knows im off on Friday. I mean. if hes off on Friday I will consider going over there tomorrow. but im off frday and then go in at 11 on Saturday so it would also be fine for me to go over on Friday night. and I don't really want him coming over here. idk why. I like to be able to come and go as I please. but I can see this being the end. I can see us seeing eachother at the show and there being a spark but I mean. he had his chance. something in him doesn't want me. and I give up. im ready to embrace loving myself and being by myself and succeeding by myself and then making a life later with someone who wants to share it with me. not someone who just...doesn't even see me. im over this. like finally im not bitter im not depressed. there is slight sadness. but mostly..im proud and happy that I have peace for once :)

I told him I didnt want to go back to this

And I was serious. Last night I went to bed furiously crying. soooo mad. he made me so fucking mad. like ever since I told him how I felt..i thought we were gunna break up yday and I gave him the choice and he said let it go cause he was just being retarded. and like then It was somewhat normal. but he hasn't been flirting with me or anything like he normally does. I legitimately feel like hes so in love with himself he doest even notice me anymore and its making me feel super shitty. still like he had a shitty morning and I was there for him. but he hasn't said one nice thing to me in days and when I woke up I was so ready to just let this go. I wasn't going to talk to him for a couple days and give him a taste of his own medicine. im attempting to talk to him about it one last time now in case im wrong and hes not completely over me but that's what it feels like. like he just doesn't care about me at all. I mean he talks about himself. like...I just feel shitty and I have since I left last Thursday. I think spending all that time together was bad for us but it shouldn't be this bad. it feels like things are basically back to how they were. and I don't want it. like I have no positive feelings associated with him anymore. in just a week things have gone to shit. I used to know he would text me back and not trip. I knew he wanted to talk to me. today he didn't even text me I had to text him. like im screaming for attention here. I just told him like im glad he had fun at the show and like that he got all that positive attention and motivation and that hes focused I guess but I said can you not forget about the person that has been with you through everything and WILL be with you whether its off season or in season. and I said thanks in caps. like im not happy. and im sick of it. I don't want like one week of happiness then him just go bak to the old him. maybe that's the real him idk but I don't want to be with this person. he didn't reassure me at all so I still have all that crap in my head. I want to have a onversation and talk about it so I can get past it. now im waiting. I think we will probably break up today. I hate to say it but it doesn't even feel like were together im not getting any benefit from this at this point. it was him that brought me into his home and his life with his mom like..idk why at this point because hes acting like I don't matter to him at all. I think he is most likely just going to end it and I think I will just not say anything. cause what is there to say I don't want to fight for him anymore I don't want to like be...nothing. I just...if im not good enough for him hes retarded I have a future and my own goals. I paid kim today. ill be starting my program in 2 weeks. and all ill need from him is drugs I have a professional to help me with everything like I don't need him. if all I have is me and my cats im fine. I like my life how it is. his life is a clusterfuck and it gives me axiety and I don't want to deal with it if hes not going to make it worth it. hes being an asshole and im ready to go. I feel like hes just been holding back from saying something smartass and mean and im just like whatever. say it. hurry up. I have tonight to cry and be upset. and then i'll start working on being okay tomorrow. im sick of this crap. everyones texting me but him. I was there for him and his bad morning I wish he would just wakeup and realize hes been being an asshole and stip. but I realize its much more likely that instead he will choose to let me go and honestly im fine with that cause this is not enough. I liked how we were. close. reliable. TOGETHER. idk wtf this is. but I feel like im single. like... we can be cordial. but I don't want to be in another shitty relationship where im not being treated fairly or valued and I will not because ive fought my way out of two this year im not getting back into another. just do it already. I don't want to refer to the past and go down the list of all the signs that he does care I shouldn't have to do that.  don't want to anymore I do not care. I don't want the shoulda couldas im looking at what is happening right now and its bullshit and im unhappy and im sick of being unhappy. he was off today. didn't even give a shit. when I felt crappy about myself AS USUAL I had to pull myself out of the damn hole and just pray he is not help. he is nowhere aroud when its not all sunshine and roses and that's not what I need at all. I don't need him. so im just waiting for him to end it. and im ready to close this chapter and move forward.

the believer

ive lost touch with the believer. I just have to say I believe that no matter what happens with the challenge I will be okay and God will help me do what I need to do to compete and do my best. and I believe that corey has feelings for me like he always has and if I leave him alone all week he will miss me and I will see him this weekend. but I also know I need to start believing in myself and my worth and giving myself more value in general with everyone in every relationship everyday. and I need to accept how I look and know that I am beautiful inside and out and I shouldn't have to compete with anyone else. if putting my best foot forward when I go out helps with this then so be it. God please pleas ehelp me. I need you to swoop down and save me from my own negativity and carry me to a higher place of being. please take these broken pieces and mold me into a stronger more confident individual. I don't ever want to hold my head down again.

REALLY CANT BELIEVE IM BACK HERE

So last night I sent em about three text messages saying how I felt. basically like..yea jut everything. and I expected him to text me this morning but he didn't. I had to like really plead for him to text me and he did around 330. like saying that me saying he didn't make me feel special really stood out to him and he feels like he cant truly from the heart. and that im gunna always be runnin shit and hed just be wasting my time. and of course I started like don't be like that etc...but then I reread and realized it sounded like hes saying he doesn't like me that much. and im sick of that. like I cant just go with it again you did this. you introduced me to your mom. he didn't have to do that. I don't have to go down the list anymore of all the signs that he likes me. I do need to like get the word love out of there. and just realize I said the same thing to athony. like ive "loved" many people. I cant love him if he doesn't love me. not truly. if I truly loved him I wouldn't be as jealous as I am of him. I just...I look up to him I put him on a pedestal hes like the popular boy I never got that I still feel like im not good enough for. I feel like im back in highschool and I don't want to. I really have to get my thoughts right. but anyway so I mean I just told him he was taking too long (as I was in the car driving around for like an hour crying trying to pull myself together for work) like...I told him were not breaking up right now. cause hes retarded and im retarded and when we put our two stupid heads together we do dumb shit. so were going to take a break. and not speak at all for the whole week. and then like at the end of the week if he misses me and thinks this is stupid he can text me and I will come over Thursday or Friday night cause im off Friday. and if he feels better and like a weight has been lifted then we can break up and just be cordial but thas it. idk I guess im buying myself time. im not going to go over these past two weeks and how IT KINDA SEEMED LIKE YA LIKED ME THEN. I started thinking too much and I became unconscious and it ruined things. I cannot keep doing this. like finding a way to be unhappy even when I get what I want. theres lots of ways I could pick it apart. but I mean like I told him he does make me feel special. I just..feel shitty about myself and my body right now and he doesn't help talking about other girls. but he really like I wanted him to say anything to reassure me but he didn't. like idk. I don't want to feel this strongly for him anymore because I feel more for him than I do for myself. I don't want to beg him to stay with me. I don't want to like... get mad when he looks at anyone or be jealous all the freaking time. I don't want to be that insecure I want to be happy with myself so I can be happy with him. basically I have a week now to pull my crap together and like build myself back up. try my best not to think about him and just readjust and realize im my own person without him and he is not the center of my life and his opinion of me is not the end all be all and his world is not my world and it doesn't have to be right now. idk. I just want to enjoy my freaking life im tired of being so stressed and miserable all the time. im o depressed I wont get up to do cardio. and I am not motivated to workout anymore. I gotta get my crap together. back in the day my confidence was so much higher and my body was way worse the only difference was my skin was pretty and I had long hair. but like ive had short hair before a long time ago before it got long and I wasn't constantly stressing over it. like...its just ridiculous. I just want to stop this madness. my mind is ruining my life I want to free myself from it once and for all and just be okay. im sick of being heart broken or stressed or sick or the victim all the time. I want to transcend this negative state of mind. and enjoy life and be aware and awake for all of it. theres such a huge difference between the week after my bday and spring break mentally. I need to relax. and realize like heaven forbid I say it but if Corey doesn't want me IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. there is so much...so many people...so many things I can do and WANT TO DO. I want to be free. and experience new things and go new places. I have no IDEA what God has planned for me but I know its big and exciting. and I am free no matter what. my bills are paid. I can compete whenever I will be tight but I can compete this year and do what I wanna do. I went last week without cheating I really didn't eat anything but nuts that wasn't on my plan so everyday im one step closer to an amazing body, in a few weeks ill be working with my dream trainer. putting the down payment on my suit. ill be graduating this summer. like okay so I cant afford 1000 extensions. a few weeks ago I liked my short hair. I flipped the switch like over night and my confidence has steadily gone down since. I have to just accept where I am. and know that where im going is going to be awesome but theres no rush! I like my apartment. I like living with my cats. I am okay with coming home and watching a movie. I don't mind not going out or not being seen and I like my gym where theres more people and it doesn't feel like im going to a new school. my job is pretty cool too and im almost done with school. like...I like my life just how it is and if it stays this way for a while ill be fine. I just wan tto compete because I want to take my body to the next level and gain credibility and also get my pro card so adding to that. Its just a goal ive had that im ready to finally pursue. and with or without him ill be doing that im hiring professionals to help me. im sure I can stil get my drugs from him when I need it. like I haven't been home very much I think yea once a week is good for now and we can up it to more once weve been together longer even if we stay together. but hes right in a relationship it is two ways and hes got to decide if he wants to be with me or not. I didn't describe here in depth the good parts of spring break. but I mean....when I was upset I talked to him about it and he came and like fixed it and he wanted me there. and like he cancelled his plans with Thomas to be with me. so I mean....how could I not feel special? I just don't want to hear him always talking about other girls. and honestly yea he is kind of full of himself. and no I don't like it. I mean....I like how he treats me I just wish I meant more to him than this but hell if I don't like.....I was so happy with him but when it starts to get back to the point I don't feel valued and im having this anxiety all the time its time to call it quits. I don't want to do this without him. I love talking to him and having him with me but I don't want to feel left out or like hes better than me. idk. idk what to do. im still really depressed I just need God to help me I will keep praying. one of the biggest stressors on my back right now is the challenge. I really really eally want to cancel it and deactivate my fb. because I need a break from worrying about what ppl think and always posting and trying to keep up this freaking façade when in reality im not where I want to be and I don't want to be scene. gah I just wish this all didn't happen. I wish my mind didn't randomly turn against me and that it didn't have this power over me. I literally like I just want to go to sleep. that's just what I want to do I don't want to be awake. its leg day I don't want to do it. I didn't workout yday or Friday. like im burnt out momentarily. im so tired. and im sad as hell. I wish things hadn't gone like this. I wanted to go to that show with him. like...idk. I just feel super shitty and im sick of it I want it to go away and stay away I want to be  happy person. and not so painfully insecure. I need just some soul searching me time. to stay away from everyone. if he wants to be in my life ill let him but I mean. I don't want to feel like im nothing to him. I hope this week he thinks about it and does some soul searching himself and that when he looks inside himself he finds me there. or a place for me. if not like...I gotta let it go. it may hurt me but im ready to let go of pain. if I have to feel this pain to like be free of pain later down the road then oky, ill admit it I don't freaking know like what is meant to be. I don't know what im supposed to do. I kinda feel like im meant to be freaking alone and im kind of ok with that. I want to disappear and reemerge later. nd right now I feel like that's fine for me to do. im waiting on Sandra to tell me what I should do. I hate quitting but this is a pain. I need to focus on building right now. maybe I can bring the challenge back later like..after I win a show. and have my degree. maybe even after I go pro. idk. this is going to be so hard without that extra money. maybe the wraps can help me get that extra or maybe I can get like little gigs here and there or sell my butt workout who knows. im lost. God help me. Im too depressed to do like anything right now. I just feel super negative aboiut everything. I feel like everyone hates me. or is judging me when in reality these people probably never ever think about me. I feel like...things with me and corey just randomly fell apart. and that just sucks. but I do know that all of this is happening or feels like its happening because of my mental state right now. and I have to relax and nurture myself and partake in things that better me and make me happy and bring my soul peace so I can pull out of this darkness. I hope that me and him aren't over but we might be. im hoping this week. I mean im trying something new with the break thing. I hope that he does miss me and will say hey do you want to come over and I can present a happy onfident me. and that all ym relationships and everything in my life will here forth be more positive because of it.

spring break wasnt what i thought it would be

And he cant love me til I do. Im getting better. this week wasn't like what I thought it would be at all but im glad I got to spendtime with him. and im glad its going to be at least a week before I get to see him again. idk. his life is an onstacle. but we talked about it. I told him I hate his life how hes always running around how people are always coming over and how I wish he could just be legit. I mean also everyone fawning over him all the fucking time gets old as hell too. thomas' obsession with him is annoying its like I have to share. I mean hes not a pro yet but hes just all his time is spent running around doing different things to like..idk....make a big deal of himself. im jealous. I cant help it. I bust my ass like and I have forever. I should've been busting my ass in the gym though. I see now I have to dip off for a bit honestly and just focus on getting lean and in amazing shape because as always popularity is not my thing. im not smoothe im not a badass im not just going to fit in. im going to have to go above and beyond and win and be freaking amazing. better than everyone. its just hard cause hes already there. hes already so well known and he fitns in everywhere and looks so good and hes never shy never afraid. I hate it honestly and I shouldn't. I don't wan tto be like garrison I want to be happy for him but im jealous of him I really am and I feel so bad but everything is just handed to this kid. I know ill never be as big of a deal in THAT way because im not a guy and bodybuulding is a mans sport. im trying to take this as a positive thing. as a challenge. and just use it to motivate me. im so intimidated by everyone and everything. his ex. this cute little girl at freaking iron city. every girl he looks at. I guess cause im not happy with myself. now that I want long hair again that's a problem. I want extensions. but I cant afford them unless I make 20 people for this challenge and right now I only have one. I think im about to start my period. I hope so. because I am just extremely insecure. I need to just spend time by myself I wish I made more so I didn't have to worry about the damn challenges. I keep praying. ive paid for facebook ads. im working on getting an assistant. but like its cutting it SO CLOSE. and I just feel like the people who have done the challenge aren't helping me. but I don't want to give up. im going to keep going. but im not going to lie right now my self esteem is low cause im comparing myself to every girl I see. my body is alright but its not enough. me and corey are done with cheat days though. so far I haven't cheated. its been....um..tomorrow will be a week. I see a difference. I just have to be more consistent with my cardio and I know ill see bigger differences all the time. it just sucks cause right now im libing in the shadows of him. and ill be happy when this weekend is over this is the last show in Houston maybe hell go to the Europa but that's in may. im hoping hell just stay his ass here and lay low for a while. I want to do a photoshoot maybe in early june. to scare people. that's when I would get my extensions if I did cause I need that much time to grow my hair out a little more. he texted me. hes going to the show at 4. I don't want to talk to him the rest of the day really. like he can enjoy his day. go be fawned over by everyone. looking perfect and feeling awesome and fitting in 100% everywhere he goes. hanging out with phil heath and honnie rambod im so glad I didn't go. dating him is honestly no fun when it comes to that and idk if I can hang to be honest. but its like now that I know him I will always have anxiety. yea its back. and its because I just...I hate that ive half assed all this time and im not where I want to be and I have time but hes already there so everyday is just a reminder. hes everything im not. and I hate feeling like this. maybe its just a low maybe I need a couple days. it would make sense to not be with someone who makes me feel like this but I wont be here forever. idk. I hate it. being over there we were constantly surrounded by people. I never got to sleep in or just chill really. I was aleways really tired and having to put on a face. surrounded by strangers. this is my first day of spring break where im going to get to relax and I woke up at like 12 so its already flying by and im just like...I want to crawl into a hole. I wish I didn't need the money from the challenge honestly so I could just get off freaking facebook. cause I feel like everyones staring at me and no one is honestly. im still invisible still a nobody and my body still looks just slightly above average. I feel just....second class. I don't want to hear about this show im sick of pretending to be happy for him. when in reality I feel like dog shit. hes always looking at himself admiring. he doesn't even look at me. and I feel like I need all this attention. him just being him just naturaly makes me see all my flaws and they seem huge. here I am getting into a depression. now my eyes are tearing up. while hes having this big exciting day. this week was so different from last week. nothing like I thought it would be and I feel so defeated right now im going to have to stop my challenge. I have 2 more people to interview but I think ill cry and pray first. this is so stupid. he probably never feels insecure a day in his life. I don't thin k I can be with someone this popular and it makes me not want to compete.