love my life right now. not.

So let me tell you how much I love my life right now. Its just so bleak. Really. I can't wait til there is something on this earth I actually want to do. Til the day i finally feel like being here isn't a waste of time or some cruel unusual punishment. cause right now i feel like ultimate shit. calmer ultimate shit than times in the past of similar suckiness but ultimate shit none the less. i mean...why? why do i wake up in the morning. i finally started to feel like i am happy where i am and can get comfortable and my stepmom has to ruin it. if i were her id hate my life too but she has control over it. she doesnt have to sit at home and deal with horrible children all day. she could work. and watching my dad neglect and then just try to overdiscipline my brother isnt fun. but she has pretty much ruined me staying here which really sucks cause now i cant afford to get an easier job and i have to go back on that side of town when i really like it better over here. i like the quiet and the scenery and i really need to not be worried about money for a little while. but i dont have a choice. :( fuck. i cant catch a break. i hate my job. im over the horrible people im constantly forced to work with and i thought id found a way out. but now i feel unwelcome and i just want to leave. i thought i had some hope but im running low again. it is SO hard not to be depressed im trying but i really cant stand anything about my life. and i have to rely on people so much. i dont like people. im so sick of fucking vitamin shoppe. like..stop hiring horrible people. make a phone call before you hire these motherfuckers. its unfair to the people that do work hard. i mean i wanted to climb the ladder etc but now im seeing not only how hard that really is but how time consuming. im failing in school and i dont know how to get myself back on that mindlength. now if i move out im going to be broke especially if i get a jon somewhere else i cant afford to do shit but pay bills. if even that. im just tired of stressing. i could understand some stress if there w=ere also things that made me happy but there arent. bryan was a waste of time id take that back if i could. another wasted number another fuckin..just regret. a waste of time to add to all the rest of the wasted time in my life. i want to run away so bad. i just want to leave and go somewhere and start over and for once just not worry. i wanna meet new friends and new boys different kinds. and just....have a life i like. i dont like any of this. i dont want it to get worse but im so tired and worn out and depressed. how did it get to this point? how long have i been this unhappy? i really want a reason to live a reason to get up instead of doing shit just for the hell of it. im miserable and im trying to make the best of it but this place was my peace and now that i dont have that... man. if i didnt have my cats id literally leave tomorrow. i even thought of giving them away but im not fucking foing that. i love my babies and theyre all i have honestly. i feel alone in the world i would be so sad without my babies. me and the boy i made a movie about-the originator of the orignal name of this blog- got back in contact. yes i baited him. i was bored. sue me. but like..idk. nothing. no one is going to make me happy right now i cant even see myself having any sort of feelings or connection with another human being. its like impossible to imagine. and it really sucks that family could make you feel this bad. i came here for help and im not getting it its not worth it. i have no home in this world ill have to create my own. man. im lonely but at the same time i dont want anyone. in just want to go away. SO. bad. sooooooo nad i want to disappear. and just..disappear. im just..not happy. and im scared of the future im not excited about anything. i just want to hide and i cannot WAIT for things to get better because theyve been bad for MONTHS. it usually doesnt last this long. im tired of being unhappy :( God stay with me i know youve got a plan i need your strength. great. now i depressed myself and didnt even get the challenge program ready for tomorrow now ill have that on my plate tomorrow too. ugh.

the day after the day after..i regret it all.

Ah, where to begin? Okay anyway so that convo (the one I was concerned was our last in the previous post) went by the wayside and ended up not being a big deal. According to him he either falls or asleep or forgets his phone is on silent. Anyway a lot has happened since then. On Thursday I was like getting tired of all the hints. He is always like..so open. Not with what he says but I mean he's always hinting and just when I ask him what he's doing he's always doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Not nothing much, like he makes it very clear there is nothing in the world he has to do and is completely free lmao. and he has said soooooo many times he hates sleeping alone. so i talked to 3 different people about it and finally ended up initiating. I told him id be at the library and he should come distract me. i didnt think hed come but he did and he stayed with us til 2am making us laugh our ASSES OFF. DAMN he is fucking hilarious. holllly crap. lol i mean we were crying. it was so fucking funny haha of course that was attractive. then like we finally kinda got kicked out haha and he walked me to his car then i drove him to his. and as soon as he got in the car chris brown "wet the bed" was on and i was like omg awkward and we both laughed so hard hahahhaha one thing i can say about us being in eachothers presence. we laugh really hard haha hes like the first boy that has thought i was funny in forever lol but yea. anyway so then when i took him to his car he gave me a good ass hug and left and then i was thinking about him. smilling hard as hell all the way home and he sent me a smiley face :) but yea. so that made my effing night and i went to sleep extra happy. anyway so THE NEXT DAY we texted or whatever and blah blah he continued to hint and i just was like f it im going to take a leap and i texted him like "so i think we should have a sleepover (i hope that doesnt sound bad i mean it in the most literal way possible) and he was like "im down:) and i was like WOOP! so then it was left at that. i was all excited cause i talked to my friend at work and he told me he thinks he does like me and he sounds like agreat guy. that all the sexual flirting just means hes sexually attracted to me which is a must. but yea soooo i went about my day and he randomly texts me saying "so what time is the sleepover" and i almost jumped out of my pants. and i was like when do you want to have it and he was like you can come now and i was like oh shit cause i definitely didnt think it was going to be the same night! but i went over there with my paper..turned in half of it smh. and then we watched supernatural and talked about a lot of stuff until he got tired of supernatural then he turned it off and started kissing me. it was okay but i wish he would use his tongue more. he's one of those open mouth but no tongue kissers im trying to show him a little somthing haha but yea anyway so that was a definite thing like..still no melty butterflies with the kisses which is what im looking for meh. but i did feel wonderful in his arms and i did like the way he was like holding me like a bear hug. still no face touching which is my number one thing. i also like hands in the hair but when they kiss you like that it means they really like you. anyway so there was a lot of that and this man had his pants down! like..what the heck! i was like meh he just wants my vagina :( so i kept moving his hand. and then we like laid to talk and blah blah he kept talking about his "dick" and how hard it was. and we talked for a bit and he told me i think too much and that i was the best kisser he had ever kissed in his life. which was kind of sweet& awesome i wasnt expecting that at all. i think besides him telling me my dress looked good at the party he hasnt complimented me other than that. but earlier he did say i had pretty hair which was cute. and when i told him he was so attractive he was like "IM attractive?" and the he told me to stop being so hard on myself. anyway yea so he had his giant penis all over me. i went to the bathroom cause i had to and i was thinkin real hard about what reason i had not to have sex with him lol i couldnt really find one so i went in there kind of with the mind set that i wanted to so i reinitiated the kissing and we were all over eachother again and then after a while he blatantly asks me "u wanna fuck?" which wasnt super attractive but whatever i did so i said yes ha and he put the condom on real quick and i did my best to try to prepare my vagina but it was extra dry which sucked but whatever he got it in and OMG. this mofo. went. to. fucking. town. holy crap i have never met anyone so aggressive in my entire life wow. i mean for the most part it was sexy especially before when he was like grabbing me and groping me and rubbing me and smacking my ass and patting my ass with his freaking penis. man. i was like..boyyyyyy. haha but anyway i dont even really know how to describe it but i think i would have preferred less aggressiveness honestly cause it was so ridiculously rough i could barely enjoy it. and it was kinda dry too. i mean he tore my ass up. i got manhandled. that shit was rough as fuck and super ridiculously fast the whole time. he had my legs all over the place and then he just flipped me over and like pressed my back onto the bed and i was like omg that shit is sexy. he makes me feel all safe and shit cause he is SO strong and like..manly lol hes got all this fucking facial hair. and hes TALL and when i say his penis is fucking HUGE. like what THE fuck i mean. idk. after we were finally done i went to the bathroom and i could hear him snoring and i wanted to go home and like not talk to him anymore. i regretted it. not that i felt bad but it wasnt worth it. i kind of want to get back on birth control because i hate condoms. i wish my vagina just would stop being so bloody dry. and i kind of wish i wasnt sexually active right now so i could take care of it like it needs to be taken care of. but anyway..yea the next day he wokeup and it was hard and i could feel him trying to get rid of it. also not cute. then he just kept talking about it. i feel like he doesnt like me that much if he just keeps fucking talking about his penis. he said like he gets in the mood easily (used the word "horny") and that sometimes it is just hard. im like. idk it kinda felt like deja vu. like i really dont want to get into another relationship that is consumed by sex. today i told him that i couldnt stop thinking about him and he sent me a damn smiley face, for SOME reason i want him to ask me to come over tonight but i kinda dont want to go because im on my period and i feel like i dont want to go over there if we're not going to have sex. which signifies to me that its lust. both of us. i mean he did say if he had met me before dee it would have been a different future and he seemed super sure about this. but i just feel...kinda poopy about the whole thing. i think it became another thing where i was happy he was paying attention to me because i thought highly of him but he doesnt make me feel good. this isnt what its supposed to be and i shouldnt have done it with him knowing that. i mean. he doesnt compliment he. he doesnt make me feel special and say sweet things to me. hes not impressed by me at all. ugh i just wanna turn my phone off. i want to go back to before my bday before i even knew it was on a saturday and like undo everything. i would undo inviting him to the party. i would undo the party. and everything involving him thereafter. id take the lonely nights crying whatever i had to do to just..be free of any attachment to any other human being. especially him. hes nice. and hes attractive. and he has a large penis which is great but i feel like i dont really like him. like we dont really have good chemistry. i mean. he..im pretty sure he likes me. as far as i know. but it doesnt matter. i would take it all back if i could so that it would end up that we never talk because my grades would be higher, id have more money, and a lower "number" and just in general wouldnt be feeling crappy because of a boy. heres the thing. The ex isnt "the one" but the next guy, any guy, is going to have to be one hell of a EVERYTHING to compete. because i never had to work. he was ALWAYS there for me loved me more than anything and cared about me and my life and was so reliable. every fucking body else is just unreliable. they have their own lives going on and arent super concerned about mine if at all. i just feel so crappy :( i need to like...let all these old flames go. hes not the one. this new one isnt the one. no one is giving me what i need or want or making me feel better than i do when im by myself. i want to erase it but i cant i want to forget and ill try. i mean what the hell. hes just sitting here like..texting me back just to get me to text him so he can NOT text me back? and just..never really cares about what IM doing or how I AM. he just...idk. this made me feel even worse than before. i mean all the good memories are funny but theyre not irreplacable. im looking for something im not going to find easily apparently. somethign God is going to have to graciously bestow upon me because this just isnt effing it. none of it. i need to clear my life of boys i dont want anything to do with any of them. i need to reenter my life because i been in this daze. i literally want to just go to sleep right now. i didnt realize it was so late so much for working out. idk the confusion just turned to anger. i never felt like this about past relationships that worked. never regretted it. this doesnt feel good. screw you boy you suck you never say the right things you dont ask me any questions you dont care to get to know me youre just like all the others. just like how i look want to touch me and do it with me. scccccrreeeeeeeeeeewwwww yyyyyyyoooooooouuuuuuuuuuu. thats it. im going to end up on match. and like a dumbass. i still wanted to text him just now. meh. why do i want to go over therE? to make sure? to not feel so shitty? mmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I just want to put that I think there has been a recent development. If I dont text him back he will doubletext. which means he only doesnt text back/ doesnt text first because i always do. Sooo I need to start leaving his ass hanging a lot more. I think he likes the aggressiveness but being an aggressor himself i think he will respond favorable to the chase as well. alright over and out haha hy

people still suck

lol well not all people. I did find out over my bday wknd that there are a good number of people in the world who legitimately care about me and think highly of me. i have some good ass friends. Boys, Im giving up the one I know loves me and cares about me on this giant leap of faith there is better. i truly believe there is. this is the best ive had but i know theres better cause i havent had that good lol so i made the "wrong turn" again. well not fully. once i re-recognized the road i was on i turned around and was given permission to do so. so now..idk. i like a boy. i think i like a boy. so far i like a boy. i want to get to know him and be closer to him but idk where the fuck his head is at AT ALL. we have good ass conversation and we think a lot a like in most ways. not all. he agrees with me 99% of the time. which means maybe he likes me? buuuttt i had the slightest suspicion that he might be another one thats just physically attracted to me. and i dont wanna go through that again ESPECIALLY since i just got out of a 2 yr relationship and so did he and there are two people whose toes would be stepped on, one more than the other, if we ended up ..doing anything. talking even and especially if it went further. which at this point i cant see it doing. part of me wants it to part of me just wants to find out cause i liked him first and he said it was bad timing but maybe it wasnt. maybe we werent meant to talk. idk cause hes confusing the F out of me. earlier today i was ready to give up cause i just cant read him. and then we started having a good ass convo with a nice flow but as usual i think i ruined it by going too far. i told him i was forward and aggressive and he said it was cool he prefers people to just be upfront. so i found a way to sneak in that i hate how boys dont like me they just want my vagina. i know. very VERY bold lol but what the fuck ever its true he said he wanted blunt he said let a nigga know so i gotchu now you know. THATS THAT SHIT I DONT LIKE lol but now its literally been 33 minutes no response. and we had a nice 2 minute apart flow going. so i guess...idk he doesnt know what to say. im like oh nooo nigga you bold. remember? you blunt. you said it. guess he aint talking bout it. idk what i expected him to say. i know this isnt the notebook things arent going to go my way real boys arent like that. not at this age and not him. but i expected him to say SOMETHING so the convo could continue but now hes doing it again. right when i think were getting somewhere he is just..dropping out. i keep checking my phone even though i know the sound is on and ill hear it if he says something. im like on wait mode until he does and the sad thing is he really might let me go to sleep without saying anything. like. if this is gunna go further i need to be able to talk to him about stuff we could at least be friends first. break the ice. say something. otherwise like if i have to constantly watch what i say and cant be myself then whats the point. you gotta accept me as i am. sad :( guess i was right. damnit. he is so cute. and idk i feel like we could have a lot of fun together. but in person no theres not like this huge amount of chemistry. but hell i havent been alone with the guy. shit whens his fuckin birthday let me learn some shit about that ...k first of all his facebook still says in a relationship. really. and secondly its officially been 42 minutes this motherfucker is making me mad! probably shouldnt have thrown that in there but hell i had to know. idk. probably just shouldnt have thrown that in there at all. i looked up..im a pisces and hes a scorpio. it says its a good match one of the best cause were both water signs. i looked up her and him leo and scorpio theyre opposite and both like..aggressive i guess so theyre a dangerous match but theres lots of passion. idk im over this i want to go to effing bed. i shouldve studied before this im going to have trouble focusing now and i wont study in the morning cause ill feel rushed. he was helping me stay away now its about to be an hour between texts. say something i know you saw it. do you just have nothing to say. well, if someone said something like that to me i would probably be extremely turned off. blah. gotta stop trying to rush things. hell or sabotage idk. what the flip. maybe just let him lead. idk i feel like i need to leave boys alone and just do my me thing. like avoid them like the plague go into my own little hermit only hang out with my girl friends and just if he texts me make nice conversation. which is going to be ridiculously hard because i like him. i want to talk to him. i think about him all the time i want him to text me and i want somehow for it to lead up to us hanging out. but i just feel like the odds are incredibly not in my favor like whats wrong with you why is he not courting me he must be retarded like brandon. i mean i know we talk everyday. idk. i wanna text hiom and be like omg talk to me im going to fall asleep. ok whatever. i did it. part of me like if i could go back..id have just stayed home on my bday. not told everyone about it including him. just chilled at home. id have saved so much money and energy and he wouldnt have given me his number and i wouldnt be texting him and thinking about him and i just..idk what id be doing but yea. i know i need to work on myself a lot. on my confidence and social independence and just in general. but i keep trying to numb the emptiness...well not necessarily emptiness. i guess to cover up the lack of excitement and fulfillment with the pursuit of a boy. without that idk what id do. maybe give a shit about things that actually matter for once. like school. working out. work. work im doing pretty well. school definitely not. working out definitely not. im getting so sleepy and ive been supposed to be studying all night but ive found whatever random shit to do. all i do is eat my period wont come but im not pregnant idk what the flip to do. i want to go to sleep so bad. sleep is the only thing that i like to do. and i do it wayyyyyyyyyyy too much. i need to get a life. idk. bleh. i feel like for my own good i need to like cut shit back off and go into my shell to do some work on myself but i feel like i cant. i just..hate liking someone. with G it was so easy. i didnt have to work and i will miss that because i know until i find someone else years from now im going to be workign for people begging for attention basically. :( didnt miss this. at all. anyway. so thats where im at. waiting for a fucking text message.