i dont even really wanna think about the future right now. at all.
i left the apartment. packed all my stuff & left a note.
theres such a long list of why i cant even go into it
mostly just hes controlling & selfish & he puts his wants before my feelings
hes 100% willing to let me be uncomfortable so he can satisfy his endless lust.
been sick for 6 months and he doesnt even care.
i cant go back. as bad as iu want to
im trying not to let him see that i want to. but i really do,
i was just listening to his voicemails and hes over here crying hard
begging me to come back apologizing
theres like 6
i know he thinks he loves me but he just thinks im his possession
its not true love because true love is unselfish is just egoic attachment
on both our parts
i dont want to be single again at all
even though i know God will help me get through it. i just feel like..
i wish it wasnt true.
i dont want to be at sandras
it doesnt feel like home
i dont want to like..be thinking about him all the time
knowing i just wanna go back but cant
i dont want this at all
i wish he had common sense and would just be normal
like the one guy i find now i have to walk away from
i cant even focus i just wanna go home & like..hug him and be with him
and just..i hate this.
and i for sure dont want to do anything
not type stupid articles and school work,
thats what im supposed to be doing
and he just keeps calling
i listen to the voicemails just to hear his voice
hes called me 8 times. 2 more voicemails.
idk wtf im supposed to do. without him its back to the motions. just..school, work, force myself to workout.
thats it. sigh, God help me please cause all i wanna do is leave & go to him right now.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
crap day
idk as day went on i just got more & more depressed. i got my articles done
and if i keep watching videos ill have my classes done
idk whats bothering me
i guess its just that im physically hungry & dont want to eat
& i keep thinking about this diet & im struggling already on day 2
i shouldnt be thinking about the 4 days i have left, or possibly like 12 if i were to do the 2 wk thing. it was easier at work there was good tasting meat there.
there is none here and im so sick of every type of meat thats good for me. tomorrow im going to just get a burrito bowl. idk.
im just frustrated
because i see my friend doing so well
and im still so mad about that i need to really just stop
and im looking at these photogs like oh lets do another photoshoot
why? i cant keep pretending to look good for long
i dont look like my pics at all
& i want to freaking fix it but i cant find a plan to save my life! i mean no carbs at all for 2 wks would b good because it would kill my yeast & maybe alleviate that horrible problem for the first time in 6 months. but if its not yeast then theres no reason
& i just always second guess like is this even gunna work is it worth it
my head is fuzzy, im tired of looking at this computer screen. i dont know which workout plan to follow.
idk. i need to find foods that i like. more dark meat i guess cause im not a fan at all of white meat anymore.
idk what to do. how can i be a fitness model if i hate meat.
part of me wants to freaking delete all my crap & disappear so people forget about that part of me
the other half just wants to hurry up & lose weight & lookgood already so i can freaking be on a maintanance diet & live happily. i was looking forward to eating what i want on saturday but i dont wanna do that & then this crap not even work.
im confused on what i should b doing.
i move around a lot and am surrounded by a lot more people to b doing this
i really really with all my heart wish i didnt find a way to be miserable on any diet ever
i really think i need to go back to the lose it! app because that was just a lot easier & more satisfying but im sick to death of looking the exact same & working out for no reason & i want to lose the weight for good and be done with this.
im just tired.
i dont want to do anymore work.
but i feel paralyzed i dont want to like..go to sleep. i dont want to workout i dont want to move i dont want Garrisen around me i just want to..idk,
maybe i should go back to the lose it! app. but what am i gunna eat tomorrow. there should be no reason for me to go over. & i could just go back to doing my workout and then the cardio after & id have energy. because this ketosis is putting me in a bad mood & making me like...not want Garrisen touching me & not want to like..do anything. Idk maybe I should wait til the fourth day to make a decision.
because on the 4th day your metabolism is supposed to really kick into ketosis & then you start to feel better because your body adjusts.
im gunna try to stick it out. maybe just go buy some fattening junk crap tomorrow as long as its not carby & then just try my best to stick it out
right now im irritable & i dont like it
i have a job where i cant afford to be irritable because im going to be surrounded by irritating people all day and i just dont like this version of myself.
also, i have an amazing boyfriend who is so sweet to me & loves me to death & does not deserve to be treated badly because of my choice of diet
so i will pray that God helps me through this. Its a positive decision for my career & my health. But idk if i can keep a good mood.I need to have food that I like. Maybe I'll go shopping in the morning. research some keto recipes right now.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Maybe itll pay off.
and if i keep watching videos ill have my classes done
idk whats bothering me
i guess its just that im physically hungry & dont want to eat
& i keep thinking about this diet & im struggling already on day 2
i shouldnt be thinking about the 4 days i have left, or possibly like 12 if i were to do the 2 wk thing. it was easier at work there was good tasting meat there.
there is none here and im so sick of every type of meat thats good for me. tomorrow im going to just get a burrito bowl. idk.
im just frustrated
because i see my friend doing so well
and im still so mad about that i need to really just stop
and im looking at these photogs like oh lets do another photoshoot
why? i cant keep pretending to look good for long
i dont look like my pics at all
& i want to freaking fix it but i cant find a plan to save my life! i mean no carbs at all for 2 wks would b good because it would kill my yeast & maybe alleviate that horrible problem for the first time in 6 months. but if its not yeast then theres no reason
& i just always second guess like is this even gunna work is it worth it
my head is fuzzy, im tired of looking at this computer screen. i dont know which workout plan to follow.
idk. i need to find foods that i like. more dark meat i guess cause im not a fan at all of white meat anymore.
idk what to do. how can i be a fitness model if i hate meat.
part of me wants to freaking delete all my crap & disappear so people forget about that part of me
the other half just wants to hurry up & lose weight & lookgood already so i can freaking be on a maintanance diet & live happily. i was looking forward to eating what i want on saturday but i dont wanna do that & then this crap not even work.
im confused on what i should b doing.
i move around a lot and am surrounded by a lot more people to b doing this
i really really with all my heart wish i didnt find a way to be miserable on any diet ever
i really think i need to go back to the lose it! app because that was just a lot easier & more satisfying but im sick to death of looking the exact same & working out for no reason & i want to lose the weight for good and be done with this.
im just tired.
i dont want to do anymore work.
but i feel paralyzed i dont want to like..go to sleep. i dont want to workout i dont want to move i dont want Garrisen around me i just want to..idk,
maybe i should go back to the lose it! app. but what am i gunna eat tomorrow. there should be no reason for me to go over. & i could just go back to doing my workout and then the cardio after & id have energy. because this ketosis is putting me in a bad mood & making me like...not want Garrisen touching me & not want to like..do anything. Idk maybe I should wait til the fourth day to make a decision.
because on the 4th day your metabolism is supposed to really kick into ketosis & then you start to feel better because your body adjusts.
im gunna try to stick it out. maybe just go buy some fattening junk crap tomorrow as long as its not carby & then just try my best to stick it out
right now im irritable & i dont like it
i have a job where i cant afford to be irritable because im going to be surrounded by irritating people all day and i just dont like this version of myself.
also, i have an amazing boyfriend who is so sweet to me & loves me to death & does not deserve to be treated badly because of my choice of diet
so i will pray that God helps me through this. Its a positive decision for my career & my health. But idk if i can keep a good mood.I need to have food that I like. Maybe I'll go shopping in the morning. research some keto recipes right now.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Maybe itll pay off.
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