slippin away

from God, little by little
and more toward man
i cant seem to find a happy medium.
its either all or nothing.
when im around them, even just a little, i star tto become more like them
& wanting to earn their approval
til this day.
i have got to grow out of that
so here i am having to pull myself away again
because ive begun to feed on their negativity
& take it in.
& im just..still not strong enough to be an influence instead of the influenced
& im still chasing boys
sigh. i have to leave my hands empty
but for some reason i cant stand to have emtpy hands
what is the deal
was i happy when i didnt talk to anyone? no i was lonely
but now im not happy cause im sloppy & all over the place
procrastinating all the time
not able to trus tmyself, not very much self control or structure
feeling just out of wack.
i need God. im unable to focus & i think ive lost a lot of faith in myself
i feel like i cannot return
i know all i have to do is seek & i will find
so i have to start now, truly seeking him & not people.
went to a friends bday party, the boy who was the cause of the whol good girl gone bad mvmt (who compared to the devil child was a freaking sweetheart0 was there. left my purse. i need it back.
i hate texting ppl. especially boys. when they act liuke youre such a bother
im so sick of reaching out to ppl & getting rejected
its just..it gets old ya know? real old.
i know im supposed to sit around & wait for a suitor
find some oither things to enjoy
i enjoy family. a lot
i had a blast over thanksgiving
i think i need to just..focus on school, God, working out, & for fun go chill with family
cause if im honest w/ myself i dont have not one single true prospect
not one. so why waste time.
i need to get off fb & twitter foreal.
ive lost myself again. & my grades are this close to slipping. its time to get on track NOW or ill lose everything i worked so hard for
i wanted to go to the alpha probate tomorrow
well, no. i told my friend i would
but i dont want to
so i think i need to just not. idk ill see how i feel tomorrow
right now im supposed to be writing a paper.
thats due tomorrow.
feeling very overwhelmed & irritated.
not creative at all.
& i want my purse.
got a conflicted conversation waiting for me in my text inbox that i dont want to look at.
guess i oughta get it over with.
then im turnin on the Christian music & starting on this paper.
ugh, ive got to cut off all this nonsense.
at least til classes & finals are in check & over with
whoever leaves can just go
cause i have to prioritize right now
& definitely weed out some unnecessary baggage

who am i??!!

so. idk what the heck i been goin thru tonight
had an amazing thanksgiving with some ppl
that im somewhat related to? family friends idk
but it was so much fun
so glad we went
but this girl wanted to get her lips pierced
which made me want to get mine pierced
i even almost drove to 420
its so wierd when i get in those moods.
then all of a sudden i wanted to cut my hair
i guess its one of those moments.
idk. who the heck am i
& its gunna take so long for me to grow my datgum hair out
am i that prissy pretty girl?
or am i the hardcore punk chick
i was soooo loody confident when i cut my hair & had my piercings
not in padre. at first.
but like most of the time. that i remember
idk
i think i been self conscious for a minute
'at least when i went out i felt swagtastic
now ifeel like i have no swag
i dont turn heads
i look so plain 7 regular
tryna..idk blend in?
why did i cut my hair in the first place was i happy with it?
do i like how i looked with it?
im so confused right now
God please help me
give me confidence let me know what to do
cause if i cut my hair again its going to take months to grow back to this point
if im just patient & wait a fw more months instead i could have a bob again
or just..longer hair
but either way, i wanna go out
do i wanna go out with my hair down & curly?
do i wan my hair down & curly ?
idk what i want
i cant keep makin drastic changes everytime i feel wierd
like..its like sometimes i eel like one person
sometimes i feel like another.
& its gettiong old.
God please help me.
everytime i go out i dont feel..confident
idk which ones me?
the long haired pretty girl
or the short hair rock girl?
i dont know : /

Kind of Off

i feel wierd. idk
im just mentally, idk maybe im burnt out
& just need to relax
2 more weeks & im out of school completely
so its all good
went to eat with a friend, it was fun
theres this guy i think is cute
he has a gf
we were gunna try to get him to come tutor her
while i was there
& see if we could @ least be cool
but he couldnt so im takin it as a sign
just thought id take the opportunity
still single as idk what
& bored as well
im getting used to it
cause it doesnt change at all
& as time goes on it becomes less & less likely that it will
im just hoping maybe next yr ill have something goin
something exciting to look forward to
at least a crush
felt good for a minute to have one
but me & this guy have never even spoken
i gotta stay away from other peoples men
ill just have to b single
i got a 95 on my chem test :) Thank you Lord
been eating w/e. decided thats what imuna do this week
but i got my new diet already 100% calculated out when i start back up
planning to enter 2011 with my resolution being to maintain
determined to keep these hands empty so God can put what he wants in them
i can feel him wormking in me
im getting better
theres just some things i had to let go
& i have..i finally dont hurt
it doesnt bother me
& i am so thankful
i know from now on things will keep getting better
i did just tweet the guy who.
he seems cool. who knows, we could have a cool friendship
im trying to make new friends
Im asking God to keep me in line
& not let anything happen that shouldnt
i know for a fact i wont touch him or even really flirt while he has a girl
we can just be friends.
im not gonna have anyone elses broken heart on my hands
i know how that feels.

Becoming More me

i been looking at old pics of me
i feel like i get LESS attractive as time goes on
& i do it to myself
its like ive been fighting pretty since forever
cause i just, idk
i guess im modest?
& when i look in the mirror
for so long i saw a really pretty girl
inside i felt like i couldnt add up
like it wasnt me
& the boys they just..idk
every haircut
every tat
always had something to do with a boy
its almost like i wanted to b ugly
idk what i was doing
sometimes i just want to go back & whisper in my own ear
tell myself the truth
that its okay to b pretty
youre beautiful on the inside too
i guess.. the jade thing
i always think if i enjoy something its gunna b taken away
so i fought how i looked
now im like..wow i was so pretty
now when i look in the mirror
i see someone random
i know im still me but i dont like it
i want my long pretty hair
i wanna look like a girl
i wanna feel pretty
& i dont. i have to fake it
i know toher ppl think im pretty
but i just feel naked &* unattractive
without my hair &..idk
i just want what i had beforre i let heartbreak change me so much
so now im back on that journey
gotta be poatient
m,y hair will grow
not fast as i want
but it will
time will fly
but i have to keep in touch with my goals
i think failure drove me away from that as well but i gotta keep tryin
i been halfway doin it.
if im honest with myself, i want to be a fitness model
i really do
i love it & thats what i want
i want low bodyfat
i dont like my body how it is & i want to b strong enough to diet
so im gunna try again
& just pray for God to give me pateince
& strength to perservere
start with small goals
like just getting thru tomorrow
make that my goal. once i reach that, do it again the next day
no more missing workouts
worrying about everything else but what i really want
& ignoring the future
it may not be right now, but i have it
next year i want to compete & win
& go pro
& have that as my hobby
i been tryin so hard not to identify with anything
been afraid to have likes or dislikes or a personality
to the point i have no goals
no plans for the future
cause I dont know what God wants for me and im scared to pursue my own interests
i hope He knows i inted to use anything i get for good
& i dont intend on ever just..living the life without giving backor using my gifts for evil
but i want something to strive for
i dont even know how anymore
i hate the pressur eit makes me wanna cave but i have to face the fear if i want to change
& learn to believe in myself
idk how else to do that but to keep trying
& not accept excuses from myself
if i got through october i can do this.
thanksgiving, christmas, food, anything. all of it. its not worth sabotaging & if i could just see my goal in those moments, stay focuses & not give into the temptations
i could reach it & i know that would build my character
just for the sake of being able to fight temptation
that would build strength and help my confidence a lot
so..no more random social stuff
lookin for a bf
i need to spend my time pursuing goals
right now my goals, always to get closer to God
& secondly to have all As in school
thiordly to get my bodyfat down where i want it. I want to enter 2011 looking like..amazing. looking in the mirror & seeing what i want to see
i have to keep asking myself "if not now, then when?"
God please grant me this request
give me the strength and patience to stick to my goials
perservering through any obstacle
& turning to you when i need help instead of people or food
God i ask that you remind me of my dreams
encourage me that they are attainable
give me peace in my heart
so i dont search in temptations direction
& always instead turn to you
help me give up all my addictions & escape mechanism
put the question in my mind when i turn from the path "if not now then when"?
help me prioritize
and enter 2011 FINALLY able to say, i did everything i said i would
i want to be a better person
more like you & more who you made me to be
better everyday
Give me your spirit, your hope, your peace, and your strength
in Jesus name Amen
I want to step on the scale with shoes on fully clothed in 2011 & see like 133 or 132. i want to lose like 10 pounds of solid fat. its doable. i have about 6 weeks left in the year. at a pound & a half a week I could do it. but i have to be strong
& never cave
no matter what
i want this, i do. i have to fight the fear
this desire in my heart to be better is not going away
so i need to just nix it
cold turkey, doing right & fighting the good fight every day
one day at a time
its time to work on me. so that next year, i am confident knowing im at my best in every way. Closer to God then ever. the journey begins now

college life?

is it oveR? i mean did i overstay my welcome?
even the boy i thought actually liked me has started acting a mess
i think im just going to ignore him from now on
i hate this feeling of rejection
& like im not pretty anymore
everytime i go out i feel less & less attractive
this awkward stage haircut is noooooo fun
but im not cutting it,
ill just have to be patient.
i went to an event at school. felt like socializing
its surely not what it used to be
'especially with absolutely NO ONE to impress
sigh. i prayed in the bathroom for God to give me patience
to wait for life to get exciting again
i feel like..its all just old & its not gunna get better
im not gunna meet any new boys unless theyre younger
& im oh so tired of that
i wanted somebody of equal social standing so we could go out & socialize together :(
and now i feel like
i wish i could go back & undo A LOT
just do it all differently
so i wiuldnt suck the well dry
& now..the only thing about school is the learning
& lately ive been REALLY considering going back to BJ
cause..idk. cause im bored
but im trying to leave my hands open
i thought God wanted me to go to this event
although now i cant imagine why
sigh. i just gotta drop the social thing
not worry about that
& drop the campus love affair thing
i wont get another chance for that
the devil child was the last chance
sigh
ive blown so much
but i know God will give me better memories
that will stomp all over the ones in my imagination
simply for the fact that i believe
its coming
ill be patient
its just not my turn yet
gotta hold on

Church

Lakewood is amazing.
these people have gifts
every service is exactly what i need to hear
its like God speaking to me
telling me "Dont listen to them, youre right"
and i find out all these things ive thought are true
in the bible
that im not wrong
that theres people who understand me
& that Someone loves me
i know i have to let stuff go
today was the first day in a long time i dont feel heart broken
just lonely
but im letting go of everything
all my friends all my previous hobbies
previous love interests
so i have not one single thing in my hand
& just spend my time giving to others
& trying to please God
& i know he has a blessing just waiting for me
an out of this world blessing
bigger than my wildest dreams
or exactly what im dreaming of
ill have a whole new life
ill have my own things to do
separate from the people who have rejexcted me
so ill say "oh no sorry i cant, ive got my own life to live"
not that, but you know what i mean.
i wont have to take care of random ppl just to feel needed
ill have someone to take care of me
im just going to keep speaking power in Gods direction
& keep beliving
& i know hell prove me right
i believe in magic
& though it seems ive talked to every boy i possibly could at this school
& screwed myself into a corner
there is no one else
i could be wrong
& He is always right
'even if he has to drop one down from the sky
if its in his will he could do that
so my hands are empty
not one sinlge dip
not one single prospect
not one single hope
so when the new guy comes
i will have noooo baggage
but now i just have to keep my eyes on God
& try to please him in all my ways
& pray constantly for strength and patience
study him like i study my books
& distract myself
& i know life will just continue to go up from here

conclusion

ive learned a lot
& i see the reasons for a lot
i know everything has its season
& for me..this is a DROUGHT
but i just wanna say that while youre young
im not a grownup. im not 100% mature.
& my desires are that of the average youth
i think its okay & its just a fact
having said all that,
life is boring without friends & boys
its what makes college fun
school & God & family should come first
but getting all dressed up & going out to impress someone
thats fun
i think ive come a long way with being present
but ive also just been
poutting life off
trying to learn it all right now
be all wise
& grow up too fast
i was trying to save myself from pain
but hey, you take the good with the bad
God gives me strength when i have to endure pain
theres no reason to hide & not take any chances
although i am convinced im not gunna meet anyone new here which freaking sucks
theres got to be SOMEONE i dont already know
sigh.
when you dont have any friends to go out with, nothing fun to do
& youre hdiing cause someone ruined your reputation
& you dont like anyone
& no one likes you..
it gets boring
its okay when i have something to destract me
i guess i just need to do what i say im gunna
cause there would b a lot of chjasing to do
if i gave in to my need to be social
i pray God gives me something fun soon
but i have to be patient
sigh. seriously though, right now
thats what you live for. boys. friends.
waking up and having FUN
this will be the last chance i ever get to live this life
so why not actually live it
life is boring without boys.

what i know now

& this time ill remember. to be Godly in my reactions to people
to be patient & kind.
& no matter what, not play games
not treat people bad
ever.
& when someone tries to fight with me, stand up for myself
but never retaliate or be rude
i gotta stay conscious.
now i know people fight
\& i gotta remember in that moment when i think "o whats the worst that could happen" or "that wont happen to us"
when i find myself bragging thinking i got someone in check
i need to humble myself & thank god for answering my prayers
& ask him to help me not screw it up
because we dont deserve what we get & qwhen we get cocky we lose it
& you never get a second chance
ill have to remember when i think "i was happier single"
that i wasnt. i cried. a lot. i struggled all the time
just waiting for my chance to get to be wth someone
waiting to forget so i could b surprised
i spend so much time daydreaming im impossible to surprise
ill have to remember. & ask myself why im running
you always fight with someone you care about
i need to be the peacemaker & just not fight
& cherish the person i care about
& just pray to God for an answer of what i should do & to help me calm down & handle it in the right manner
and if i have nothing nice to say say nothing at all
& dont vent to my friends
dont send rude or LONG texts EVER
just wait til were in person
& if i wanna see them, dont hint & get mad or be rude
just say so.
just SAY SO.
or it turns into "heartbreak warfare". seeing as i dont ever wanna be here again,
i just have to look around & memorize my surroundings
*looks around*
i see loneliness. i see regret, empty bed next to me. wishes & hopes.
of what i could have done
dreams of being with someone
LONGING. tears & misery,
thats what i see.
& a little irritation every now & then from not always getting to be with someone exactly when i want
is nothing compared to feeling so unwanted & undesriable
i can handle a little up & down
blah. when i finally find someone
gotta be patient
im working on that
right now, im stalking rosters & facebook
but i know i just gotta give up
i promise guys can just walk outside & find a pretty girl
for me its so rare
once in a blue moon i meet someone i can actually talk to
im officially declaring this a dry spell
so ill just sit here
alone with my new wisdom
til i forget & then God will bless me with someone
sigh. here it goes.

what i want

now i realize what i get addicted to
not being able to live without e/o
having to be near them
but only if you know they feel the same
knowing you hold someones life in your hands
& the only reason you dont smash it
is because they hold yours too
[im trying not to go roster shopping right now]
anyway, i miss that.,
i cant go back to old stuff
i want someone new & fresh
someone to impress
to go c
to dress up for & know theyre looking
someone who is as obsessed w/me as i am with them
for once i want to be THAT girl to him
some stability. i wanna be somebodys weakness

Same old Little Girl

sigh. rough day. mentally.
gotta let go.
thats all i gotta say
the whole crying like a baby thing
its not working for me.
watching Enchanted now
i just wanna feel better
forever
i feel like he won
& i lose
& its just keeps haunting me like a ghost
seems like everyones so happy
& im just a loser
so negative right now, i hate it
but im gunna keep praying
i cant wait til Christmas break
but theres no reason for me to be miserable til then
dont even wanna work out
& its embarrassing
God help me.

God have my heart, let me move on

It was such a great week
went shopping today & got some really cute stuff
& im ready for church tomorrow
had my cheat day
definitely ready to go back to eating healthy for sure.
but, being around sonny..
the devil child is talking to this girl i know.
shes pretty
& his ex is still having his baby
& he loves her.
& it hit me
i cant fully commit to God when my heart is with
this boy.
i have to let go. & tell God im ready to b strong & move on
im not lonely, im not
i think if i had anyone else
i wouldnt be worried about him
it just..he gets to move on
& i know i wont
& as right the path i feel i took may be..
& as wrong as he still is
it just..bothers me. cause it feels like he won
but i refuse to believe that God will just let him do it.
I know that being good is the right thing
in my heart i know
so it just shows me that if im still feeling this
like..the fact that he hates me & still thinks im evil
i feel..not pretty
& just...unwanted ya know
but i wont give up hope
i know my dream is waiting for me I know God is in control
he sees what is happening here & hes not sleeping on it
I know hes doing magical things I dont know about
to better me & give me a future
Jeremiah 29:11
I know theres no reason for me to cry. Someone loves me.
its disrespectful to Him for me to sit worrying about the ONE person
that doesnt like me
when so many people do
& when im actually happy without em
i have to give thanks & just stay on the path
it just shows me im not ready
im not a butterfly yet
im still influencible
i gotta get stronger
so i just need to stay to myself
& focus on my responsibilities & growing in Christian character.
I dont wana hurt. dont wanna waste one more day
so from now on, once & for all
i am giving up on this boy.
not for all hes done, but for the fact that he has no love for me
its time to be a big girl & go on with my life
i cant replace him or do any of that I just have to turn to God
its over. i get it.
its time for me to let go. & let God.

God's Progress

wow, Hes brought me so far.
been tryna go to Lakewood for a year. I went last Sunday.
I dont ever wanna miss again.
finally texted my friend to meet me there. I love it!
I went tonight too. I just wanna be at church all the time.
Tonight it felt so good when he asked "Who wants there life to change right now?" and I didnt raise my hand.
I dont have any requests. Nothings bothering me. Life is awesome
its how I feel. i feel God inside me. I feel his love
now instead of pursuing the love & approval of man,
which has been my lifes battle
I seek him. But unlike man
when i seek Him, I find Him. He welcomes me
he rewards my faith
I dont have to bite my tongue because He loves me too
& he welcomes my praise
it feels so good.
all the time.
when it starts to go away, i just pray & he comes to my rescue.
i feel so positive. & blessed.
Joel said we have royal blood in our veins because Christ is king
so i hold my head up now
i know im beautiful in Gods eyes
I dont have to search or want anymore
i feel great. I dont need anything
I got a 100 on my math test. I am excited to make my new schedule
havent struggled dieting in a WHILE
i feel so great. so excited to go home & just spend time with family
felt like i worked so much for so long, now is my time of Jubilee
i love God. I listen to christian music at home & in my car
got a book at Church called "The Practice of Godliness" so i can learn more about Him and how to be more like Him. & it really helps.
everythings different. im different.
i dont cry sad tears anymore. i dont miss the devilchild.
sometimes i wish i didnt talk to his cousin because then hed be totally gone from my life & i hate hearing his name
but I know ill be okay & he benefits from me
i know it is my duty to help people
so i can. I just want the devilchild.. idk.
everytime i have a little hope for him, he betrays again
it gets worse & worse
7 im so glad God saved me from that because he is the worst ive ever dealt with
he couldve hurt me worse than he did.
anyway, im doing amazing. Thankful & blessed
I see stars & light for the rest of my life
ive NEVER felt this good
not by the hand of man or even of my own accord
im always alone & im not even lonely
I know i wanna finish school & get my PhD but other than that
im not like..reaching for anything
im right here, right now, chillin
i watch movies & snuggle in my bed
I sleep beautifully
I eat for my health not my mind
it doesnt wander as much AT ALL
& i know that all my pain was worth it to find God & walk with Him
what could be better than this :)

Unbreakable

its crazy that my favorite Christian band [fireflight] just happens to have a song called unbreakable. here are the lyrics. this is how i feel :)

Where are the people that accused me?
The ones who beat me down and bruised me
They hide just out of sight, can?t face me in the light
They?ll return but I?ll be stronger

God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can?t see to reach my destiny?
I want to take control but I know better

God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me

Forget the fear it?s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back
And turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just trust

God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me

God I want to dream again, take me where I?ve never been
I wanna go there, this time I?m not scared
Now I am unbreakable, it?s unmistakable
No one can touch me, nothing can stop me

Best Friends Ever

okay. im gunna give them names. Cousin & Sonny are..the best ever.
i have never ever had anyone stick up for me like them.
today i was going to lunch & i just happened to run into cousin!!
for the first time in a week
apparently he missed me too he did look for me!
i gave him my new #
i prayed..i said God let them know my spirit is with them
& if they need me let them find me
like..i talked to them on the phone just now
i promise they make life better
maybe i dont have to run from them
the devilchild moved out!
so i can go over there as long as hes not there :)
like, idk. i thought about him more today than usual
afterall they are cousins
but i have wanted friends like these my whole life
i cant just dismiss them and live alone & lonely
giving up yet another blessing because of that demonspawn.
i love these boys so freaking much
thank you God.
if i didnt ever say what happened.
the night i found out he got her pregnant
we had a long night
they all spent 3 hours with me while i cried, telling me the truth about him
& that i wasnt stupid or crazy
making me believe that i deserved better
making me laugh
& sonny slept on the couch with me to make sure devilspawn didnt come back
& i changed my # because devilspawn was harrassing me
because sonny was jumping down his throat for what he did to me
ive never had anyone stand up for me like that.
thank you Lord.
im gunna go see them tomorrow :)
i dont have to be alone anymore! finally found some ppl like me.
i love these boys. foreal.
today i realized that this is my answer
i fell for the bait that LED ME TO the angel i asked for
and instead of one, i got 2! [maybe 3lol]
i prayed for companionship
getting my heartbroken was my passage to them. i wouldnt take it back
thank You so much!

lucky

shes so lucky
shes a star
but she cry cry cries in her lonely heart
eh. maybe i just gotta be lonely
i wanna learn to be alone
& not feel that
today was such a great day
got my friend back..randomly
i guess i just been feelin sad
i was tired
& ever since i just been sad
but hey, cant be happy all the time
God knows i want someone..
i still dont right now though to be honest.
seriously, i dont wanna be sad
& i cant trust right now
im not in the mood to get my heart smashed again
theres no point
i do not believe in any of these boys
not one single one.
so, ill pass.
God hears me

Company

Sooo I came back to my room. Got school tomorrow
Id rather be at home but Im not on break yet
feels like it lol
Anyway, I read..a little
now im watching Harry Potter & The half Blood prince
by myself but im not lonely
im all cuddled up in the bed
in my own company
& im happy :)
i think i could REALLLLY get used to this!

Opportunity Knocking

So, Im trying to find a better job
so i dont have to be...like..idk
i wish ym current boss would just not be such a dousche
im scared to get a new jjob
dont wanna lose the one i got and have to work too hard
and hate it even more
& i hate sales
see where God leads me
Ive got an interview at Etheria Salon
& soon enough with premiere promotions
i would prefer the second one
I gotta wait for that one.
Future looks good though :)

awesome day

*deep breath* I knew november would be better.
im at home. no work tomorrow.
i hope the day goes by...the slowest EVER
ever.
so i can soak up every second.
get some reading done
& lounge & watch tv.
*deep breath*
exhaling.
finally

Avatar The Last Airbender

I love this show.
My brother got me addicted to sponegbob
glad i have something else to watch now yay
at night i thought there was nothing on
my dad got me on this one
Aang looks just like my brother.

the coccoon

..immediately lol
no but i feel like i was a caterpillar, though somehow "special" relative to the average caterpillar, still not a butterfly
and i held it off as long as i could
trying to belong with the other caterpillars
but i cant just crawl on the ground slinking along pretending i dont know how to fly
so im in my coccoon where outside influences cant disturb me
so my growth can have completely
all at once
& i will re-emerge..a butterfly

good day!

tests out the way.
not too confident about either but i did the best i could
sometimes when you drop your balls to go chase a boy
its hard to get back juggling
but i tried
& i prayed
hopefully God will grant me grace & ill be able to keep my grades. if not, ill fight to pull them back up.
been trying to just be where i am today & just focus on the task at hand.
for the most part its been easy
i still feel socially withdrawn
but eh, lonely is not the word
just wierd i guess
& now i had like a strange random moment where i would normally cry
cause i feel unorganized & dont know what to do with some spare time
but i didnt. im gunna workout
i need to ill go home after
all i have to do today is turn in my biliography & my articles for the week
then ill be caught up
& if i stick with my faily tasks template, i wont fall behind again, ill stay mostly ahead. which is what i PLAN to do
also, diet is going well so far
i dont mind it
eff food i wanna be ripped.
the boy that i told you about, that kept checkin on me last week
stopped
didnt even text me today after we had class together
i bet he heard
whatever, those a holes will pay for what theyre doing
& im not around it so forget it
ive dealt with much worse scandalism
idk what will happen with the whole social thing
i plan to find other ways to occupy my time
maybe make some new friends elsewhere
or have friends..idk..elsewhere lol
but im ok by myself
just gotta find ways to occupy spare time that i enjoy
i keep thinking about my hair & how long its gunna take to grow
i just want it to be generally long, like medium length
after that it goes by fast
but shoot, the way time flies nowadays
ill wakeup one day & itll be there. no worries
im going to wear it up like..idk..forever.
i want it out of my face & i feel like ppl dont need to be looking at it
i dont wanna attract attention, i know..go figure
i think deep down im wanting to have like this come back
where ive been gone so long & randomly come back with long hair & a new attitude
idk if i can hold out that long
actually. i dont doubt it lol
i am loving this.
i cant think of one single occasion where i would need to remerge
i PLAN to..somewhat after christmas break
or at least reopen my fb account
until then, i feel like im still... [to be continued]