its always a good day til the night comes lol
seriously i dont even like coming to my room anymore. except late at night to sleep. its like..and i cant focus to study
my head is not i9n school right now
the video gets me excited sometimes
idk. its a lot in my head
i really feel like all i can do is chase things that make me happy at the moment
to get that temporary high
like i can never be just happy
i really think its gunna have to be love.
to love & be loved. i think thats the one thing that will actually complete me
idk how to do this be happy by yoursaelf thing
im just not lol like nothing is fun, i have no passion but for boys which is embarrassing and sad
like how low is my self esteem? i didnt think it was low anymore
but seriously the last couple days have been rough i been struggling this week
i feel fat everyday. seeing that scale go UP when i been bustingmy butt making hard choices for so long is like unbeaRable
all of a sudden im really aware of all my fat again
i can feel my rolls right now
& working out int he morning, i do not like at all. honestly
it took away my fruit at night which was enough to hold me over
& it just leaves so much space for doing nothing
& i just dont like it
not to the least but idc cause i cant do all those people
i think this guy at work kinda brought me down to
idk it wasnt a bad convo just too long and annoying
a lot of people like they talk to me..theres like 4 or 5 boysi know want to talk to me right now ands i do not have a single ounce of interest in any of them
i feel no connection
all i want is passion i dont wanna play house anymore with someone i dont like.
the only people i wanna be around lately are the fallen, etc.
even tho my ex son has lost his mind
i like them better,
we just laugh and have so much fun,
even though theyre obsessed with music,. theyre so talented
im getting used to it
i just wish it wasnt so easy for me to lean on people. its like i must.
& im not a fan why cant i be with someone, leave and go about my business without thinking of them
how could i possibly consider the fallen a prospect?
omg he doesnt even think he did me wrong. & his phone is full of girls he admitted it hes oin his dog ish right now
hes in complete denial
but idk we have fun & hes attractive im just glad to have my friend back right now & someone i can be with often
but i have cravings every night
every night. today i had half a hot dog and two buns
but i really wanna pig out i havent had that urge in forever but i wanna eat something that tastes good so bad
its just depressing to not see any results i feel like im getting worse im squishy & im just not happy about it right now
i pray its pms but seriously? like 2 weeks before my period? im nervous about the shoot. all together i just feel bad
its like as soon as i leave work it comes. the negativity
i just want to do stuff thats not good
chase boys. eat bad. its bad & idk whats wrong i need help before i sabotage myself,
uis this life? seriously. or is it just being young
when is it not going to be like this cause i effing hate it
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
ignoring the open door that leads to nowhere
i want to. but i said i wouldnt, so im not.
im trying to not initiate anything ever with a boy. not to play games..but to..take back my life. to give power back to God.
so even if i recieve no immediate answer,
if im lonely i just gotta pray
if i need to talk ill talk to him.
just gotta turn to him for everything
even if it means i gotta sit here miserable knowing nothings gunna happen
when i could just do something myself to at least relieve the pain for the moment
it hasnt worked in the past.
im just gunna pray that he sees me down here turning to him instead of anything else
& eventually ill get a lasting solution
ill know hell come
i just know i have some time that im gunna be in silence and solitude
but i could go somewhere if i wanted
not without initiating
i could go to a friends or have someone over
theres boys i could text & talk to
if i wanted to fish for compliments but ppl cant help
theres no one i wanna see or talk to
the old crew is watching a show right now together
theyre there for me to go over there
& i still left my boots and my tooth brush
but i msged the fallen about it he didnt even answer obviously were not that cool
& i dont even really like them all that much or enjoy their company
all i want is attention from the fallen
so thats me using them as well
im trying not to use people
i didnt realize i was so guilty of it but theres lots of ppl i wouldnt speak to if they hadnt been close to the target of my affections at a point in time
sorry God..guess i have some dirt of my own.
i wanted to text one of them. try to get a invite cause i am bored & i dont have realy anything to do but effing schoolwork all night which is bout to be my life for a long time now.
til spring break i suppose.
cause thats when im allowing myself to..idk..maybe get back in the "dating" world. but not if i have to pursue. gues sill just wait til someone comes. but not like ok ill sit here and wait i mean give up pursuit forever. so someone can finally come to me
gotta get these hands as empty as possible
and make sure i have no baggage either
meaning i gotta get over door #2. & whatevers left for the fallen.
so that the newcomer will have none of that to deal with
i dont want anyone to feel how ive felt and i dont wanna rebound
ugh. anhyway.
said i wouldnt, so im not.
im trying to not initiate anything ever with a boy. not to play games..but to..take back my life. to give power back to God.
so even if i recieve no immediate answer,
if im lonely i just gotta pray
if i need to talk ill talk to him.
just gotta turn to him for everything
even if it means i gotta sit here miserable knowing nothings gunna happen
when i could just do something myself to at least relieve the pain for the moment
it hasnt worked in the past.
im just gunna pray that he sees me down here turning to him instead of anything else
& eventually ill get a lasting solution
ill know hell come
i just know i have some time that im gunna be in silence and solitude
but i could go somewhere if i wanted
not without initiating
i could go to a friends or have someone over
theres boys i could text & talk to
if i wanted to fish for compliments but ppl cant help
theres no one i wanna see or talk to
the old crew is watching a show right now together
theyre there for me to go over there
& i still left my boots and my tooth brush
but i msged the fallen about it he didnt even answer obviously were not that cool
& i dont even really like them all that much or enjoy their company
all i want is attention from the fallen
so thats me using them as well
im trying not to use people
i didnt realize i was so guilty of it but theres lots of ppl i wouldnt speak to if they hadnt been close to the target of my affections at a point in time
sorry God..guess i have some dirt of my own.
i wanted to text one of them. try to get a invite cause i am bored & i dont have realy anything to do but effing schoolwork all night which is bout to be my life for a long time now.
til spring break i suppose.
cause thats when im allowing myself to..idk..maybe get back in the "dating" world. but not if i have to pursue. gues sill just wait til someone comes. but not like ok ill sit here and wait i mean give up pursuit forever. so someone can finally come to me
gotta get these hands as empty as possible
and make sure i have no baggage either
meaning i gotta get over door #2. & whatevers left for the fallen.
so that the newcomer will have none of that to deal with
i dont want anyone to feel how ive felt and i dont wanna rebound
ugh. anhyway.
said i wouldnt, so im not.
ive become so numb
guess this is what happens when i dont have a "crush"
i feel no passion. ever. for anything
not in a positive way anyway
i did find today that what i LIKE to do is create & inspire
i like art.
so im still building on this photoshoot
i hope and pray it turns out as planned cause if it does its gunna be epic
went to eat, actually got steak and vegetables? #miraclefromGod
so. last night i went to another boys house
this is the second one in the past week really.
second time ive had someone i know i could have if i wanted
but kind of just i guess not really participated
these are people that would talk to me & give me everything i need
but i feel nothing.
its crazy to sit there & just see them..feeling..when i feel nothing
i mean absolkutely nothing not even to the slightest
i just wanna be alone i guess
as the feelins i had for door #2 fade..& turn to just.. resentment
thats the last of the feelings that were left in me.
when i look at them all i see nothing
no hope no salvation no purpose which i guess is good
im not even willing to try something new i dont like anyone
i dont feel anything
i guess i was right thats why i attract to the flame
cause its passion even if it burns at least i feel.
but there is a peace in this. there is no peace in the flame and i dont miss it
thereis not one single number that could pop up in that phone that would bring a smile to my face
guess its a good thing
no one has the power anymore. thank you God
i just need to remember when im bored just pray for God to help me get through it
because its not worse than how i feel after they wring me out & hang me up to dry.
but yea i dont feel a connection to any human being on the planet anymore
no one can put me to rest or at ease
i still feel like an alien
today God showed me a trick to be nice to customers tho
just picture everyone as my family
uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, family.
so i can at least bbe kind to strangers
even tho they are sztrangers. everyone i know.
except sandra. i do feel somewhat connected to actual family.
but i know were all family under God.
idk right now i just..soon as i walk up to my door i know its bout to be another pointless night
going over there last night did get me help w/ my practice test tho
& it got me out of the house instead of rotting in the bed for hours
so ..im just gunna keep praying God will give me things to get through everyday
& just write in this when i need to.
last night randomly door #2 texted me. i was wondering why. idk i just answered his ?s. bluntly but not rude just no detail. & then he got around to asking me bout the book.
wow. that really kinda surprised me and i wa slike if he didnt need this book he would have never ever even spoken to me.
& it just pissed me off. like..i bet you really did have to make urself text me
cause u know you needed the book.
& were probably dreading having to c me to get it
probably propose some random on campus meeting perhaps the library
that that was really all he texted me for.
sigh. yea it annoyed me a lot. made me lose what little respect i did have left for him
today i just gave it to antoinette. told him he could pick it up from their room when he needed it.
cause what..am i supposed to drop it off? come to cullen like i always do when hes never even been to my room? drop what im doing to cater to him knowing i cant even get some time he just wants the book.
& hes thinking id use that as an excuse to try to chill with him
guess what i dont want to see you. i dont.
youre rude and its unattractive. making me feel like youre how i should be. like i should just mold myself after you. like im too much of whatever i am to be good anough for you. & just need to chill in everyway. like my life revolves around you. it did. & in the past i surely would have but i see clearly now. i dont consider you a friend
you make me feel terrible youre never there for me & you contribute absolutely nothing positive to my life you dont even think highly of me how r we friends
maybe a long time from now you can ask me why
maybe ill feel like telling you
ill probably be so over it then i wont even wanna talk about it
cant wait. he said "ok then thats cool" yea. stupid. unappreciate and ungrateful just mean and disrespectful. i dont want to be so mad. i hope it goes away soon.
being so mad as so many diff. poeple. and my ex-son.
boys are not on my good side. i know theres nice ones & im trying my best to be nice to them i just dont want to see or be around them.
not even the fallen. all i can think is how cocky he is. how all these boys think theyre so imporant that theyre so much better than me. im over contributing to this monstrous ego. no way jose.
cant do it.
idk what you thought when you saw that. if it made you feel like i dont even wanna see you, good. if you feel rejected, it wasnt my intention, but whaTEVER. i dont think you feel anything for me ever at all and i really dk how i thought you ever did now im back in mode just trying to forget. i put it there and told u where it was so i dont even have to see you again & you have no excuse to speak to me. i cant wait til you dont exist in my life anymore.
and i cant wait til this resentment goes away. this unappreciated misunderstood outcastness. i dont like it.
but it really is better than trying so hard to be a part.
its much better to be numb than to feel that horrible pain
abnd to know that you no longer have power over me
God just please clinse me of this anger and all the regret and feeling so down on myself. so second best like anyone knows what theyre talking about.
hes on fb right now i just got off.
the questioni keep asking is what is the point!
but im free. free in the middle of nowhere all by myself but im free
ill find something. someone eventually
right now im fine by myself
i really am i like it
a lot. i just dont like the getting used to it. but this time i will. this time ill stay hidden. this time ill stay in my coccoon til im a butterfly.
im gunna pray more this time for God to guide me.
im just..mad and annoyed right now :( i feel so separate from everyone
and i just..dont trust.
one extreme to the other, so heres this extreme.
just gunna do my school work.
i feel no passion. ever. for anything
not in a positive way anyway
i did find today that what i LIKE to do is create & inspire
i like art.
so im still building on this photoshoot
i hope and pray it turns out as planned cause if it does its gunna be epic
went to eat, actually got steak and vegetables? #miraclefromGod
so. last night i went to another boys house
this is the second one in the past week really.
second time ive had someone i know i could have if i wanted
but kind of just i guess not really participated
these are people that would talk to me & give me everything i need
but i feel nothing.
its crazy to sit there & just see them..feeling..when i feel nothing
i mean absolkutely nothing not even to the slightest
i just wanna be alone i guess
as the feelins i had for door #2 fade..& turn to just.. resentment
thats the last of the feelings that were left in me.
when i look at them all i see nothing
no hope no salvation no purpose which i guess is good
im not even willing to try something new i dont like anyone
i dont feel anything
i guess i was right thats why i attract to the flame
cause its passion even if it burns at least i feel.
but there is a peace in this. there is no peace in the flame and i dont miss it
thereis not one single number that could pop up in that phone that would bring a smile to my face
guess its a good thing
no one has the power anymore. thank you God
i just need to remember when im bored just pray for God to help me get through it
because its not worse than how i feel after they wring me out & hang me up to dry.
but yea i dont feel a connection to any human being on the planet anymore
no one can put me to rest or at ease
i still feel like an alien
today God showed me a trick to be nice to customers tho
just picture everyone as my family
uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, family.
so i can at least bbe kind to strangers
even tho they are sztrangers. everyone i know.
except sandra. i do feel somewhat connected to actual family.
but i know were all family under God.
idk right now i just..soon as i walk up to my door i know its bout to be another pointless night
going over there last night did get me help w/ my practice test tho
& it got me out of the house instead of rotting in the bed for hours
so ..im just gunna keep praying God will give me things to get through everyday
& just write in this when i need to.
last night randomly door #2 texted me. i was wondering why. idk i just answered his ?s. bluntly but not rude just no detail. & then he got around to asking me bout the book.
wow. that really kinda surprised me and i wa slike if he didnt need this book he would have never ever even spoken to me.
& it just pissed me off. like..i bet you really did have to make urself text me
cause u know you needed the book.
& were probably dreading having to c me to get it
probably propose some random on campus meeting perhaps the library
that that was really all he texted me for.
sigh. yea it annoyed me a lot. made me lose what little respect i did have left for him
today i just gave it to antoinette. told him he could pick it up from their room when he needed it.
cause what..am i supposed to drop it off? come to cullen like i always do when hes never even been to my room? drop what im doing to cater to him knowing i cant even get some time he just wants the book.
& hes thinking id use that as an excuse to try to chill with him
guess what i dont want to see you. i dont.
youre rude and its unattractive. making me feel like youre how i should be. like i should just mold myself after you. like im too much of whatever i am to be good anough for you. & just need to chill in everyway. like my life revolves around you. it did. & in the past i surely would have but i see clearly now. i dont consider you a friend
you make me feel terrible youre never there for me & you contribute absolutely nothing positive to my life you dont even think highly of me how r we friends
maybe a long time from now you can ask me why
maybe ill feel like telling you
ill probably be so over it then i wont even wanna talk about it
cant wait. he said "ok then thats cool" yea. stupid. unappreciate and ungrateful just mean and disrespectful. i dont want to be so mad. i hope it goes away soon.
being so mad as so many diff. poeple. and my ex-son.
boys are not on my good side. i know theres nice ones & im trying my best to be nice to them i just dont want to see or be around them.
not even the fallen. all i can think is how cocky he is. how all these boys think theyre so imporant that theyre so much better than me. im over contributing to this monstrous ego. no way jose.
cant do it.
idk what you thought when you saw that. if it made you feel like i dont even wanna see you, good. if you feel rejected, it wasnt my intention, but whaTEVER. i dont think you feel anything for me ever at all and i really dk how i thought you ever did now im back in mode just trying to forget. i put it there and told u where it was so i dont even have to see you again & you have no excuse to speak to me. i cant wait til you dont exist in my life anymore.
and i cant wait til this resentment goes away. this unappreciated misunderstood outcastness. i dont like it.
but it really is better than trying so hard to be a part.
its much better to be numb than to feel that horrible pain
abnd to know that you no longer have power over me
God just please clinse me of this anger and all the regret and feeling so down on myself. so second best like anyone knows what theyre talking about.
hes on fb right now i just got off.
the questioni keep asking is what is the point!
but im free. free in the middle of nowhere all by myself but im free
ill find something. someone eventually
right now im fine by myself
i really am i like it
a lot. i just dont like the getting used to it. but this time i will. this time ill stay hidden. this time ill stay in my coccoon til im a butterfly.
im gunna pray more this time for God to guide me.
im just..mad and annoyed right now :( i feel so separate from everyone
and i just..dont trust.
one extreme to the other, so heres this extreme.
just gunna do my school work.
Monday, January 24, 2011
just one of those days
i really do hate days like this,
tried to go to the rec
i cannot even describe to you how many people were there i almost burst into tears
i cannot do that mutlitude of people like come on..
i go to the gym to get away from ppl i hate it when its crowded i just left
that shit is just an anxiety attack
i feel like crap right now im not gunna lie i feelso freaking bad
so alone but i dont wanna be around random people wtf
no.
theyre like ants. SWARMING i want them away from me
i hate these lows. i feel like im gunna die. seriously
what a horrible day
now i gotta workout in the mornings because the rec is going to be filled to the brim with thousands of people i just cant do it sorry.
i like working out at the end of the day. a lot. but w/e.
guess ill go in the mornings :( i could go real late at night. like i probably will at like 10 tonight. but i dont like that really.
this is gunna throw off my routine. a LOT. but w/e.
ugh. i gotta just chilkl for a minute i need to calm down.
didnt get my meds. didnt get some of my books. too many errands & the rain made everything difficult. it was just one of those days. but i dont want a random rest day. i want to workout. so i guess since i dont gotta go to work til 12. i was planning on working out after and going to tutoring before. i guess ill switch it.
wakeup @ like 930 & go workout at 10. then come back & get ready for work.
& on the days when i go to school guess ill workout at 9.
its probably better. ill never see door #2 again (which i did just now)
or have to deal w/ anyone else and im pretty sure it wont be crowded at all
idk what this transition is...
but im just gunna hold onto my faith & know God can help me no matter how crazy i feel. deep breaths.
tried to go to the rec
i cannot even describe to you how many people were there i almost burst into tears
i cannot do that mutlitude of people like come on..
i go to the gym to get away from ppl i hate it when its crowded i just left
that shit is just an anxiety attack
i feel like crap right now im not gunna lie i feelso freaking bad
so alone but i dont wanna be around random people wtf
no.
theyre like ants. SWARMING i want them away from me
i hate these lows. i feel like im gunna die. seriously
what a horrible day
now i gotta workout in the mornings because the rec is going to be filled to the brim with thousands of people i just cant do it sorry.
i like working out at the end of the day. a lot. but w/e.
guess ill go in the mornings :( i could go real late at night. like i probably will at like 10 tonight. but i dont like that really.
this is gunna throw off my routine. a LOT. but w/e.
ugh. i gotta just chilkl for a minute i need to calm down.
didnt get my meds. didnt get some of my books. too many errands & the rain made everything difficult. it was just one of those days. but i dont want a random rest day. i want to workout. so i guess since i dont gotta go to work til 12. i was planning on working out after and going to tutoring before. i guess ill switch it.
wakeup @ like 930 & go workout at 10. then come back & get ready for work.
& on the days when i go to school guess ill workout at 9.
its probably better. ill never see door #2 again (which i did just now)
or have to deal w/ anyone else and im pretty sure it wont be crowded at all
idk what this transition is...
but im just gunna hold onto my faith & know God can help me no matter how crazy i feel. deep breaths.
psychosis
i seriously feel like a crackhead tryna come off crack.
i need my meds. let me go ahead & say that im pretty sure that is the root of all this. but while i dont have them let me tell you how it feels
im insane. seriously. stupid thoughts attack you all day long.
reality becomes just like..an idea. a perception
and its so off
so negative
its like mental HIV leaving you freaking susceptible to every psychotic disease imaginible and every mental fatality like wow
i just feel so off
like im suspended in mid air and idk if im gunna fall or not nothing to hold onto
living on this random planet and im the alien
no one speaks my language and im so isolated no matter who im around
they have nothing to offer me
and absolutely nothing can fill this huge imaginary hole
its like i know i need help
but i have no idea what kind
cant think of a single thing in the world that would make me happy
literally.
door #2 could text me right now
& tell me he misses me ask me to come over
i would feel nothing
just fear. like whens it gunna end ok its nice now but whens it gunna hurt cuz i kno it is
if i could use a few words to describe this its like
paranoia solitude hopelessness
the uncertainty is unbearable its like i dont even know my name
and im just constantly looking for a hit from some kind of escape mechanism
i calm down when i think about getting a tattoo
nothing else. has to be something extreme that makes me feel in control
im like..i look in the mirror & i love how i look today i did my makeup perfect
but whats the point of life like this seriously
whats the point of being drop dead gorgeous if youre invisible
if it cant get you love then whats the point
really.
being an awesome person with a good heart whats the point if it cant get you love
being smart, successful, having every freaking blessing known to man
all the friends everyone likes youn wants to be you
but its empty there is no fulfillment to be found
and you feel like the only person in the world who feels how you do
what is the point. when does life start
or where is this mental adjustment i can make right now to start living today
because i feel dead
everythings so freaking BORING
& i just feel like whats the point. i wanna have fun..but nothings fun.
no ones fun. talking to people is like a job.
everyone irritates me i just try to drown them out and pretend im as alone as i feel
make up my own imaginary world where things make sense
& its like the better of a person i am being..closer to what God wants me to be
i feel like it has so much to do with people
but i cant even be around them without becoming them
who the freak am i? this is not it.
all the stuff, all the surroundings, all the embellishment. it has nothing to do with my spirit
which is just being dimmed and contorted by everyone around me
being 20 years old is just not fun at all when youre caught between 5 and 30
there is no one i feel...akin to
at all
the only way i know how to feel ANYTHING is with boys
and without them, now that im trying to let that go,
its like there is nothing
im a freaking zombie
feigning interest
fading away
working for nothing because no matter what i do or achieve...
how did i get back here
dang.
miserable heartbroken
overly social
antisocial
is there a possible way to just be regular?
to just be stable
how long til that happens
i mean... what do i have to do
to feel...stable.
for a while i felt like i wokeup from the nightmare
now i feel like im in a coma
smh. just gunna keep praying. do what im supposed to & pray tomorrow will be better
i need my meds. let me go ahead & say that im pretty sure that is the root of all this. but while i dont have them let me tell you how it feels
im insane. seriously. stupid thoughts attack you all day long.
reality becomes just like..an idea. a perception
and its so off
so negative
its like mental HIV leaving you freaking susceptible to every psychotic disease imaginible and every mental fatality like wow
i just feel so off
like im suspended in mid air and idk if im gunna fall or not nothing to hold onto
living on this random planet and im the alien
no one speaks my language and im so isolated no matter who im around
they have nothing to offer me
and absolutely nothing can fill this huge imaginary hole
its like i know i need help
but i have no idea what kind
cant think of a single thing in the world that would make me happy
literally.
door #2 could text me right now
& tell me he misses me ask me to come over
i would feel nothing
just fear. like whens it gunna end ok its nice now but whens it gunna hurt cuz i kno it is
if i could use a few words to describe this its like
paranoia solitude hopelessness
the uncertainty is unbearable its like i dont even know my name
and im just constantly looking for a hit from some kind of escape mechanism
i calm down when i think about getting a tattoo
nothing else. has to be something extreme that makes me feel in control
im like..i look in the mirror & i love how i look today i did my makeup perfect
but whats the point of life like this seriously
whats the point of being drop dead gorgeous if youre invisible
if it cant get you love then whats the point
really.
being an awesome person with a good heart whats the point if it cant get you love
being smart, successful, having every freaking blessing known to man
all the friends everyone likes youn wants to be you
but its empty there is no fulfillment to be found
and you feel like the only person in the world who feels how you do
what is the point. when does life start
or where is this mental adjustment i can make right now to start living today
because i feel dead
everythings so freaking BORING
& i just feel like whats the point. i wanna have fun..but nothings fun.
no ones fun. talking to people is like a job.
everyone irritates me i just try to drown them out and pretend im as alone as i feel
make up my own imaginary world where things make sense
& its like the better of a person i am being..closer to what God wants me to be
i feel like it has so much to do with people
but i cant even be around them without becoming them
who the freak am i? this is not it.
all the stuff, all the surroundings, all the embellishment. it has nothing to do with my spirit
which is just being dimmed and contorted by everyone around me
being 20 years old is just not fun at all when youre caught between 5 and 30
there is no one i feel...akin to
at all
the only way i know how to feel ANYTHING is with boys
and without them, now that im trying to let that go,
its like there is nothing
im a freaking zombie
feigning interest
fading away
working for nothing because no matter what i do or achieve...
how did i get back here
dang.
miserable heartbroken
overly social
antisocial
is there a possible way to just be regular?
to just be stable
how long til that happens
i mean... what do i have to do
to feel...stable.
for a while i felt like i wokeup from the nightmare
now i feel like im in a coma
smh. just gunna keep praying. do what im supposed to & pray tomorrow will be better
Sunday, January 23, 2011
the loneliness
welp, nights are long.
trying to readjust.
life is good really. i cant complain. no problems, no stress, everythings under control. once again just bored
just gotta get back used to it thats all
stay in my books & focus on whats in front of me & literally not even consider whats not
im trying to take a break from boys. til spring break.
like everytime i think someones attractive just ignore it, because i need to aknowledge the vastness of the world and not think every single cute boy is the one
i mean i barely have standards
just a brief checklist that anyone im attracted to has to meet for minimum requirement & then i can mold em into mr perfect or become whoever i have to be to bring mr perfect out
i change for every guy that comes along & i dont want them to run my life anymore
im so desperate for love and affection
constantly rejected its like all ive ever known and im sick of it
its not worth it
none of anyone ive met is what i want or on my level at all
& im 100% willing to settle because otherwise i have to be alone
& i dont like that
i dont wanna need them. or even really want them
i dont wanna feel like somethings missing
like having a piece of crap is better than not having anyone at all cuz its not
its possible to be content without a boy
i know it is. it must be. & i will just have to train myself like a dog until i can do it
get used to bein alone, find ways to entertain myself
& zip up my heart so people cant see straight through me
stop lowering myself to mingle among the commoners
not that im like this awesome but whatever awesomeness i do have i put away to kiss up to the less awesome so that they will THINK im awesome which never works even though i am they never notice
right now i just feel like crap. i keep checking fb..idk why. went to him & all his friends pages..idk why
i feel so left out ya know? i cant get the time a day
its hard not to feel rejected when you are
but i know thats not my whole identity
but its like..thats what i feel
no matter whats going on i just feel that
its like since he doesnt think im good enough i dont feel good enough
i feel lonely and pathetic really
and im starting to feel boring again
like i have no life and no friends and dont do anything fun
i know thats not true i just have goals
and different interest
theres someone in this world that feels me
im convinced hes not between the ages of 18 and 22
its confusing and depressing and im so so so so sick of it
but im not even in the mood to entertain the folly anymore
i barely wanna get back on the pill cause i dont wanna have relations
everyone is just so disappointing ya know? i feel like an alien
like im alone in the world and no one will ever ever understand me
everyone i talk to its like the emptiest conversation
& its like what purpose does anyone serve at all
feels like they literally contribute nothing to my life
yet their absence leaves a hole. (i keep getting so distracted)
but yea. idk. i dont feel loved. i know there are ppl that love me.
& there are a lot of people that appreciate and think highly of me
if i died i know it would be a freakin tragedy
but like..when everyone YOU love doesnt love you
it gets to you. the rejection..im identified with it
idk how to not..idk how to break the cycle
i keep doin it. and its sunken in
i believe it now ya know?
ugh im just having a moment
but yea....maybe im getting closer to peace
church was good tonight
i actually went but i dont wanna go to the youth version anymore
they make me nervous theyre just too...social for me
people make me nervous strangers make me nervous
i know i gotta get it together. the msg really helped
now im just trying to get school stuff done.
im just SO lonely and i feel kinda hopeless
guess i just gotta tell myself again...theres great exciting times in life, then theres really painful times in life, and then theres just okay times where youre fine and nothings wrong and you might be bored
i know God is molding me right now
thats what this is. so thats a good thing
just gotta get through it
a lot of good happened today and im hopeful and excited about the future
feeling like im getting closer to myself
but futher from people and theyre losing their value
the college life is losing its value
but im tired of searching
i know God put me here with everything i need to survive so this hole must be imaginary
its like..all this time..i just wanted a freaking boyfriend
in highschool i always had one
havent had one since
& i cant stop looking i feel incomplete without a man
but shoot if going through this right now will break the spell & help me loive the rest of my life happy and loving myself unneedy and fulfilled with or without a man..
so be it. i can take it.
i feel like crap right now. like dang i really cant get a man. i feel like an outcast cause these are not my people they cant relate to me they may admire my thoughts but they dont understand them & im just tired of being so alone & unloved.
but anyway...on with life
foundout that i can eat sausage in my eggs & 2 tortillas for about the same amount of calories as a packet of oatmeal so i will be having breakfast tacos for breakfast everyday from now on til i get tired of it :)
got my pre cal notes bout to do some hw. i need to go to tutoring in the morning for this pre test so i can ditch the old stuff & worry bout what im learning right now. i dont want to :( id have to get up real early but shoot it needs to be done. articles are done. still got some reading for bio im thinking i'll do tomorrow.
but tomorrow will be a productive day, if i go to tutoring, get my books and my meds, then ill pretty much be set for a while.
church made me reconsider the thinking for my shoot. i wanna convey a different message. not of bitterness, but of loving yourself. anyway..im wide awake
so im gunan go do the other things on my list & get it out the way
trying to readjust.
life is good really. i cant complain. no problems, no stress, everythings under control. once again just bored
just gotta get back used to it thats all
stay in my books & focus on whats in front of me & literally not even consider whats not
im trying to take a break from boys. til spring break.
like everytime i think someones attractive just ignore it, because i need to aknowledge the vastness of the world and not think every single cute boy is the one
i mean i barely have standards
just a brief checklist that anyone im attracted to has to meet for minimum requirement & then i can mold em into mr perfect or become whoever i have to be to bring mr perfect out
i change for every guy that comes along & i dont want them to run my life anymore
im so desperate for love and affection
constantly rejected its like all ive ever known and im sick of it
its not worth it
none of anyone ive met is what i want or on my level at all
& im 100% willing to settle because otherwise i have to be alone
& i dont like that
i dont wanna need them. or even really want them
i dont wanna feel like somethings missing
like having a piece of crap is better than not having anyone at all cuz its not
its possible to be content without a boy
i know it is. it must be. & i will just have to train myself like a dog until i can do it
get used to bein alone, find ways to entertain myself
& zip up my heart so people cant see straight through me
stop lowering myself to mingle among the commoners
not that im like this awesome but whatever awesomeness i do have i put away to kiss up to the less awesome so that they will THINK im awesome which never works even though i am they never notice
right now i just feel like crap. i keep checking fb..idk why. went to him & all his friends pages..idk why
i feel so left out ya know? i cant get the time a day
its hard not to feel rejected when you are
but i know thats not my whole identity
but its like..thats what i feel
no matter whats going on i just feel that
its like since he doesnt think im good enough i dont feel good enough
i feel lonely and pathetic really
and im starting to feel boring again
like i have no life and no friends and dont do anything fun
i know thats not true i just have goals
and different interest
theres someone in this world that feels me
im convinced hes not between the ages of 18 and 22
its confusing and depressing and im so so so so sick of it
but im not even in the mood to entertain the folly anymore
i barely wanna get back on the pill cause i dont wanna have relations
everyone is just so disappointing ya know? i feel like an alien
like im alone in the world and no one will ever ever understand me
everyone i talk to its like the emptiest conversation
& its like what purpose does anyone serve at all
feels like they literally contribute nothing to my life
yet their absence leaves a hole. (i keep getting so distracted)
but yea. idk. i dont feel loved. i know there are ppl that love me.
& there are a lot of people that appreciate and think highly of me
if i died i know it would be a freakin tragedy
but like..when everyone YOU love doesnt love you
it gets to you. the rejection..im identified with it
idk how to not..idk how to break the cycle
i keep doin it. and its sunken in
i believe it now ya know?
ugh im just having a moment
but yea....maybe im getting closer to peace
church was good tonight
i actually went but i dont wanna go to the youth version anymore
they make me nervous theyre just too...social for me
people make me nervous strangers make me nervous
i know i gotta get it together. the msg really helped
now im just trying to get school stuff done.
im just SO lonely and i feel kinda hopeless
guess i just gotta tell myself again...theres great exciting times in life, then theres really painful times in life, and then theres just okay times where youre fine and nothings wrong and you might be bored
i know God is molding me right now
thats what this is. so thats a good thing
just gotta get through it
a lot of good happened today and im hopeful and excited about the future
feeling like im getting closer to myself
but futher from people and theyre losing their value
the college life is losing its value
but im tired of searching
i know God put me here with everything i need to survive so this hole must be imaginary
its like..all this time..i just wanted a freaking boyfriend
in highschool i always had one
havent had one since
& i cant stop looking i feel incomplete without a man
but shoot if going through this right now will break the spell & help me loive the rest of my life happy and loving myself unneedy and fulfilled with or without a man..
so be it. i can take it.
i feel like crap right now. like dang i really cant get a man. i feel like an outcast cause these are not my people they cant relate to me they may admire my thoughts but they dont understand them & im just tired of being so alone & unloved.
but anyway...on with life
foundout that i can eat sausage in my eggs & 2 tortillas for about the same amount of calories as a packet of oatmeal so i will be having breakfast tacos for breakfast everyday from now on til i get tired of it :)
got my pre cal notes bout to do some hw. i need to go to tutoring in the morning for this pre test so i can ditch the old stuff & worry bout what im learning right now. i dont want to :( id have to get up real early but shoot it needs to be done. articles are done. still got some reading for bio im thinking i'll do tomorrow.
but tomorrow will be a productive day, if i go to tutoring, get my books and my meds, then ill pretty much be set for a while.
church made me reconsider the thinking for my shoot. i wanna convey a different message. not of bitterness, but of loving yourself. anyway..im wide awake
so im gunan go do the other things on my list & get it out the way
Saturday, January 22, 2011
endings & beginnings
where do i start lol. i guess ill start w/ yday. i got a little while to write before im back on my study grind. ..the only thing i have to do EVER right now lol
anywayyy ok
well as suspected, the most recent prospect(now void) ..we'll call him door #2. yes its the same one i been talking bout since november.
k anyway door # 1...i dont even know. its like he is repulsed by me honestly lol he never texts me. i get this vibe from him like i should really just pretend we never met which is what i intend to do from now on. he never gets on fb, hasnt updated his status in a week & there is minimal recent activity. idk WHAT hes been doing.
anyway yday i was in that housing establishment going to visit my sons room (the other ppl that live in it)
& i seen the drunk freshman coming down the stairs.
i didnt know if she lived there or not so i texted door #2 to see if he was in his room thinkin "LET ME FIND OUT" but anyway. no text back for probably an hr & a half.
supposedly he was sleep. anyway so it bothered me. im at the get together feeling left out unwanted & solumn & i texted em to ask if they were still talking. blah blah basically no & she lives in cullen. but seriously the way he responds to me im starting to get the hint. exact answers. so friendliness its like we're not even cool & im really wondering why? but eff it i wont play wit it.
i was just like..ugh. i didnt know anyone & everyone was drunk. laaaater everyone started showing up & yes i had a blast flirting with every viable flirtee.
ohhh and before i went over to the get together i was with the devil and his cohorts. for the purposes of CHANGING CIRCUMSTANCES i will now refer to him as "the fallen" until i come up with someone better. anyway so i was with him & the rest of em in the room. they showed up later & i gushed over his adorable outfit and made him come in so i could show everyone how cute he was lol
for the record, im not really physically impressed with him anymore. i think its just a need to be close to someone who really knows me since door #2 was my most recent "comfort zone" i am now having to step out of.
but yea.. i had fun at the party. i like being single. as long as im occupied when i wanna be lol thats really what it is. i would prefer to have someone reliable that i can turn to to talk when i want to. or be with when i want. i want to be alone most the time. but when i dont, i want to have someone to contact. thats it lol
but door #2 doesnt provide that. he doesnt provide anything. the physical activities once they proceed to their full potential never last long enough anyway & its just not.. like top notch ya know? which id b willing to deal with were i getting the attention & affection i want but im basically getting diddly squat. i cant even get a text lol i mean i want to talk to this person
tell em stuff. discuss stuff. be close to em. 2 months later no progress has been made.
if anything progress has been lost.
so im takin a L & i just try to stay occupied as time goes on & i get further from the situation
next thing i know itll have been a month that we havent spoken
i mean i didnt the same thing with the devil child in his former form
i made him my whole world & meanwhile forgot that i had my own world
all i had to do was open my eyes and see it
we dont f with the same ppl i never have to see him if i dont want to
hes not socially important and no one even knew we were talking
so i really escaped unharmed & im glad i wasted the break and not time during school
alltogether its a win win hes happy & im getting there
so yea. ill just try to pretend it never happened.
meanwhile..so i was over there with them last night. having a really good time feeling comfortable & whatnot. then like it got to the point me & the fallen were actually talking. everyone was laughing & having fun. we were in the bed & i was tryna fall asleep on his arm & his phone rings & he runs into the living room & i waited but he never came back & i couldnt sleep so i tried to leave i went in the restroom looking for my boot & when i was getting my stuff off the counter i heard him from the couch askin me if i was leavin & i said yea i cant sleep & he said me neither
so i sat down & listened to em talk
he told me a lot. about her (ex-baby mama) that she had called, etc. everything he had learned from the situation and what he thought about it now.
idk. i like listening to him but i also just like being the one he tells
but yea i talked a little too. i forgot hes a good listener too. idk. i told em it was a relief to talk to him. & that i still feel like..were the same. idk how but theres something. but thatll be the last i say.
i dont want him to think i still like him so i know i gotta hop off
but i wouldnt mind us being friends cause he fits the bill for all the stuff i said
i dont want anything physical with anyone
i mean unless its just kissing thats fine
but the whole thing, no. i just wanna be without right now
it messes everything up & im over it
but yea... i just want someone to be around & talk to all the time & i know he could be the best friend type
i think i just miss having an extremely fine best friend like i used to lol
but yea idk. theres always this other person. but anyway
so thats what was on my mind. at the end of the night he put me at ease which was crazy cuz that is normally the opposite of what he does
i wanted to go over there today too but i really do have work i need to do.
homework, etc. & i know i cant be all on their tip like i used to
i dont want to really
when i say im no longer attracted to him im not
thats not what i want at all
im way too masculine to be with someone that feminine
& i hate the music crap
the unrealistic dream stuff makes me uncomfortable
& theres just a lot hes the opposite of what i want
hes just somewhat pretty to look at and someone to flirt with
but yea. so im getting to know myself more
& as i do i like myself more
my confidence is going up. hairs growing (thank God)
but its moreso like my inner workings that i find valuable
even more than the outside but im having fun with that too
anyway the going out & ish im over, planning to go back into hiding
come out about once a month to relieve my socially hyperactivity. with little socialisms in between if im invited. but yea i just wanna get back closer to God & center my life correctly. continue soul searching, get stronger
be better.
oh yea i think i wanna go into medicine.
as of now, im planning to get my nutrition degree so i can work while i earn my biochem degree & hopefully after that go to med school.
which puts me in school forever but for now why not
i cant plan my life for getting married & having kids cause i have no idea when thats gunna happen ive done that way too much
but yea so im happy right now doing well. back on track
especially with my weight. im doing very well in that aspect
tyG for regulating everything daily i love u k gonna go work now
anywayyy ok
well as suspected, the most recent prospect(now void) ..we'll call him door #2. yes its the same one i been talking bout since november.
k anyway door # 1...i dont even know. its like he is repulsed by me honestly lol he never texts me. i get this vibe from him like i should really just pretend we never met which is what i intend to do from now on. he never gets on fb, hasnt updated his status in a week & there is minimal recent activity. idk WHAT hes been doing.
anyway yday i was in that housing establishment going to visit my sons room (the other ppl that live in it)
& i seen the drunk freshman coming down the stairs.
i didnt know if she lived there or not so i texted door #2 to see if he was in his room thinkin "LET ME FIND OUT" but anyway. no text back for probably an hr & a half.
supposedly he was sleep. anyway so it bothered me. im at the get together feeling left out unwanted & solumn & i texted em to ask if they were still talking. blah blah basically no & she lives in cullen. but seriously the way he responds to me im starting to get the hint. exact answers. so friendliness its like we're not even cool & im really wondering why? but eff it i wont play wit it.
i was just like..ugh. i didnt know anyone & everyone was drunk. laaaater everyone started showing up & yes i had a blast flirting with every viable flirtee.
ohhh and before i went over to the get together i was with the devil and his cohorts. for the purposes of CHANGING CIRCUMSTANCES i will now refer to him as "the fallen" until i come up with someone better. anyway so i was with him & the rest of em in the room. they showed up later & i gushed over his adorable outfit and made him come in so i could show everyone how cute he was lol
for the record, im not really physically impressed with him anymore. i think its just a need to be close to someone who really knows me since door #2 was my most recent "comfort zone" i am now having to step out of.
but yea.. i had fun at the party. i like being single. as long as im occupied when i wanna be lol thats really what it is. i would prefer to have someone reliable that i can turn to to talk when i want to. or be with when i want. i want to be alone most the time. but when i dont, i want to have someone to contact. thats it lol
but door #2 doesnt provide that. he doesnt provide anything. the physical activities once they proceed to their full potential never last long enough anyway & its just not.. like top notch ya know? which id b willing to deal with were i getting the attention & affection i want but im basically getting diddly squat. i cant even get a text lol i mean i want to talk to this person
tell em stuff. discuss stuff. be close to em. 2 months later no progress has been made.
if anything progress has been lost.
so im takin a L & i just try to stay occupied as time goes on & i get further from the situation
next thing i know itll have been a month that we havent spoken
i mean i didnt the same thing with the devil child in his former form
i made him my whole world & meanwhile forgot that i had my own world
all i had to do was open my eyes and see it
we dont f with the same ppl i never have to see him if i dont want to
hes not socially important and no one even knew we were talking
so i really escaped unharmed & im glad i wasted the break and not time during school
alltogether its a win win hes happy & im getting there
so yea. ill just try to pretend it never happened.
meanwhile..so i was over there with them last night. having a really good time feeling comfortable & whatnot. then like it got to the point me & the fallen were actually talking. everyone was laughing & having fun. we were in the bed & i was tryna fall asleep on his arm & his phone rings & he runs into the living room & i waited but he never came back & i couldnt sleep so i tried to leave i went in the restroom looking for my boot & when i was getting my stuff off the counter i heard him from the couch askin me if i was leavin & i said yea i cant sleep & he said me neither
so i sat down & listened to em talk
he told me a lot. about her (ex-baby mama) that she had called, etc. everything he had learned from the situation and what he thought about it now.
idk. i like listening to him but i also just like being the one he tells
but yea i talked a little too. i forgot hes a good listener too. idk. i told em it was a relief to talk to him. & that i still feel like..were the same. idk how but theres something. but thatll be the last i say.
i dont want him to think i still like him so i know i gotta hop off
but i wouldnt mind us being friends cause he fits the bill for all the stuff i said
i dont want anything physical with anyone
i mean unless its just kissing thats fine
but the whole thing, no. i just wanna be without right now
it messes everything up & im over it
but yea... i just want someone to be around & talk to all the time & i know he could be the best friend type
i think i just miss having an extremely fine best friend like i used to lol
but yea idk. theres always this other person. but anyway
so thats what was on my mind. at the end of the night he put me at ease which was crazy cuz that is normally the opposite of what he does
i wanted to go over there today too but i really do have work i need to do.
homework, etc. & i know i cant be all on their tip like i used to
i dont want to really
when i say im no longer attracted to him im not
thats not what i want at all
im way too masculine to be with someone that feminine
& i hate the music crap
the unrealistic dream stuff makes me uncomfortable
& theres just a lot hes the opposite of what i want
hes just somewhat pretty to look at and someone to flirt with
but yea. so im getting to know myself more
& as i do i like myself more
my confidence is going up. hairs growing (thank God)
but its moreso like my inner workings that i find valuable
even more than the outside but im having fun with that too
anyway the going out & ish im over, planning to go back into hiding
come out about once a month to relieve my socially hyperactivity. with little socialisms in between if im invited. but yea i just wanna get back closer to God & center my life correctly. continue soul searching, get stronger
be better.
oh yea i think i wanna go into medicine.
as of now, im planning to get my nutrition degree so i can work while i earn my biochem degree & hopefully after that go to med school.
which puts me in school forever but for now why not
i cant plan my life for getting married & having kids cause i have no idea when thats gunna happen ive done that way too much
but yea so im happy right now doing well. back on track
especially with my weight. im doing very well in that aspect
tyG for regulating everything daily i love u k gonna go work now
Thursday, January 20, 2011
letting it fade away
eh, things come & go
tyG for giving me peace
& my sense of self back just..in the fact that i am who i am period.
its nice to know again
still trying to draw back closer to Him
i got off track for so long
ive made progress in all other areas except the most important
about to read scripture now & try to get back in the routine
im excited for tomorrow to be over so i can go back into hiding
havent texted or talked to the boy since um. tuesday?
im happy actually
i feel myself starting to get over him. now all i gotta do is let myself
if i can just get into my books & my structure, i wont have time for a boy anyway
got a shoot planned for vday. well before, but the pics will be up
kind of an f love shoot. to redeclare myself. cant wait its gunna be great
just spent like 2 hours organizing my life for school
i love doing that
it makes me feel in control..shoot even if im not
but an update.
boys..are a distraction,
if i just live life & do what im supposed to & participate mentally in my life..i wont have time for one
as for THE boy, idk. i feel us slipping away.
i feel like we've gone as far as we can
we had fun when we were "talking" but i dont feel progress upto this point is up to par
& im just now entertaining the idea that were not meant to be
i prolonged it as long as i could but it doesnt hurt anymore
id be happy if he felt the way i need him to feel about me
but he doesnt & its not something you grow into
its something thats already there that u just dig deeper into over time
im thinking the reaosn im so into him is lack of selection as usual
so im just waiting for a new prospect
but at the same time..i dont even want to get close to someone new
seeing where it goes (nowhere)
so im good. just wanna be over him completely so i can go on with life
i mean itll be fine to have that little unfinished business & someone to impress when u go out
& someone to flirt w/ if u see em
but im over thinking its gunna be more
were on different pages in life, basically in different books
its not his fault or mine guess it just isnt what i thought itd be
but hey, whatever. lifes not over
i might see em tomorrow @ lillies pre game. might not. im not expecting anything
had a convo with God yday about helping me not contact him
caus ei know its gunna b like..i want someone to go back to afterwards cause everyones gunna go their separate ways to all their different boos
& im gunna want one. but eh, im done doing it
im not happy with any of my current..whatever they are
especially this one. we should b closer by now
i just wanna talk to em everyday. tell e/o everything. be best friends over anything
but were just acquaintances with the occasional intimate slip up every now & then
im not convinced he has any intentions of furthering it ever.
& im interested to see how long we go without talking from here lol
i seriously think it could b two weeks before i see em again & itll be by accident if i dont tomorrow. pretty sure hell be there. but anyway
tyG cause i think about em less & less & when i do its just realizations of how different reality is from my previous thoughts.
thank you for releasing me from the nightmare.
things are getting back to normal
im loving him less everyday
and loving myself more
really:) which is awesome!
i do have a crush. shoot but i dont c that going anywhere lol
ps though...he hasnt updated his fb status since...idk maybe last week? tuesday maybe? he gets on but only briefly i think on his phone to do little stuff,.
his classes are all like easy core stuff. i guess he plays bball at night idk what hes been doin. but hes def been "busy" smh lol
tyG for giving me peace
& my sense of self back just..in the fact that i am who i am period.
its nice to know again
still trying to draw back closer to Him
i got off track for so long
ive made progress in all other areas except the most important
about to read scripture now & try to get back in the routine
im excited for tomorrow to be over so i can go back into hiding
havent texted or talked to the boy since um. tuesday?
im happy actually
i feel myself starting to get over him. now all i gotta do is let myself
if i can just get into my books & my structure, i wont have time for a boy anyway
got a shoot planned for vday. well before, but the pics will be up
kind of an f love shoot. to redeclare myself. cant wait its gunna be great
just spent like 2 hours organizing my life for school
i love doing that
it makes me feel in control..shoot even if im not
but an update.
boys..are a distraction,
if i just live life & do what im supposed to & participate mentally in my life..i wont have time for one
as for THE boy, idk. i feel us slipping away.
i feel like we've gone as far as we can
we had fun when we were "talking" but i dont feel progress upto this point is up to par
& im just now entertaining the idea that were not meant to be
i prolonged it as long as i could but it doesnt hurt anymore
id be happy if he felt the way i need him to feel about me
but he doesnt & its not something you grow into
its something thats already there that u just dig deeper into over time
im thinking the reaosn im so into him is lack of selection as usual
so im just waiting for a new prospect
but at the same time..i dont even want to get close to someone new
seeing where it goes (nowhere)
so im good. just wanna be over him completely so i can go on with life
i mean itll be fine to have that little unfinished business & someone to impress when u go out
& someone to flirt w/ if u see em
but im over thinking its gunna be more
were on different pages in life, basically in different books
its not his fault or mine guess it just isnt what i thought itd be
but hey, whatever. lifes not over
i might see em tomorrow @ lillies pre game. might not. im not expecting anything
had a convo with God yday about helping me not contact him
caus ei know its gunna b like..i want someone to go back to afterwards cause everyones gunna go their separate ways to all their different boos
& im gunna want one. but eh, im done doing it
im not happy with any of my current..whatever they are
especially this one. we should b closer by now
i just wanna talk to em everyday. tell e/o everything. be best friends over anything
but were just acquaintances with the occasional intimate slip up every now & then
im not convinced he has any intentions of furthering it ever.
& im interested to see how long we go without talking from here lol
i seriously think it could b two weeks before i see em again & itll be by accident if i dont tomorrow. pretty sure hell be there. but anyway
tyG cause i think about em less & less & when i do its just realizations of how different reality is from my previous thoughts.
thank you for releasing me from the nightmare.
things are getting back to normal
im loving him less everyday
and loving myself more
really:) which is awesome!
i do have a crush. shoot but i dont c that going anywhere lol
ps though...he hasnt updated his fb status since...idk maybe last week? tuesday maybe? he gets on but only briefly i think on his phone to do little stuff,.
his classes are all like easy core stuff. i guess he plays bball at night idk what hes been doin. but hes def been "busy" smh lol
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
better
wow..looking at blogs from the past i was really delusional
i hate it when im like that
anyway long story short it got to the point i made em talk on 'day 5" and he said he thought it would "better us" if we were just friends & he wanted to go back to how we were. which is what i wanted too. things have gotten better
but he hasnt changed much
i have
ive just loosened up
i dont make lovey statuses anymore
even though if i wanna write on his wall or like a pic or comment i just do it now
& most the time if i wanna text em i just do
sometimes he texts me
which is an improvement
its better than when we were officially talking i can say that
i dont sit around paranoid anymore but its more God has given me the strength to just not let myself do it
i try to focus on other things
& since were not..wll idk if we are, but if were not which i dont think we are
talking,
i have no right to do a lot of the things i used to. so i just chill & pretend not to care
finally got to go over there after the plex
we didnt talk about "us"
it was really just like old times but after a while he did get like..idk on me
i cant say it was the most affectionate thing in the world
i get his humor now so i dont find him as rude as i used to though hes definitely never just out right sweet
we just fought (play fight) & fake argued
he did bring up me dancing on the other void prospect (he doesnt know hes a void prospect) but he brought it up twice in a reproachful tone which made me think he might have cared
i did see him watching me several times
i wanted to b around him & i did want him there im not gunna lie
BUT i went about my own thing i ddint talk to em once we got in the party
i talked to em after though
told em to tell me when he got back & he did
so i went over there
we were just looking up his classes & watching tv at first
then we were fighting
then we were just talking about whos friends with who & this & that
i remember now thats how we got to know e/o
hes a good listener
we talked about how i never go out & how im not that close to some peeople
and how i used to be when i first came
& he was like 'thats good you grew up though' i was like 'i changed a lot" and he was like 'for the better though" and it was cool after that we were just laying there kinda cuddled up. at first he told me to come here and i wouldnt then he turned over & i waited but he was going to sleep so i made em wakeup and i was like "wutcha doin" lol and he was like" what..layin down..haha what you doin" lol i was like ';dont go to sleep" he was like 'well shit since u over there chillin" lol so..idk i felt a little like he might want to take advantage of the time with me idk i feel mixed emotions about the whole thing. but yea we were just hugged up & he was rubbing the small of my back & i was rubbing the back of his neck while we were talking. then idk how we got past talking. oh yea idk i turned over & i wasnt facing him. & he was like feeling my face & then my lips thats how it went on haah
i still feel chills when he touches me. but we didnt get into the usual cuddle position from the git. i was laying on top of the covers at first. and he had to kind of playfully force his way into usbeing in a more intimate position.
i mean the way i feel is different from how i normally feel. im not all lovey dovey like i was thank you Lord that is a 100% miracle. I still like him. a lot. & if i could choose someone to be with it would be him, but i still want us to get closer. i still feel like we should naturally be closer than we are now by this point & i do get the feeling sometimes that there is no opportunity for advancement, ive just never seen it happen. i didnt do the "were just friends" thing. probably shouldve. but like, as friends, hes not allowed to say anything about who i dance with or anything i do. that made me think he does somewhat associate himself with me im not quite sure. idk if he was just sayin whatever. but he brought it up. and afterwards like outside the party he hugged me and felt my back and was like "dang youre sweaty u musta been working." so it was a good 2-3 times he brought it up i didnt defend myself (thank you God for helping me be cool) cause i dont have to. & i didnt chop him up about anything. but he was sayin he was just chillin (the usual thirsty drunk freshman wasnt there) so i was like just cause your normal groupies werent there and he was like 'there were girls there" so he acted like he made it a point that i was dancing and he wasnt. like it was a personal choice. i mean these are just things that if i thought he still liked and wanted to talk to me, would serve as confirmation. but i guess i could assume that theres still something just from the fact that i was over there. he told me two girls slept in his bed the night before randomly. & he slept on the couch? lol but yea. oh and when i told em where randall lived (that it was a boy) he got quiet. idk. he never struck me as the jealous type so im like blah whatever lol idk what it is im not assuming anything he doesnt tell me. it surprised me tho when i went over there he was all in bed & shirtless watchin tv super comfortable like he expected me to spend the night and i actually wasnt planning on it. so i guess hes kinda used to me too. at this point thats my only concern. im over the trust issues. i know he could do whatever and i either wouldnt know or would have to find out the hard way, i mean theres a chance. theres no proof for good or bad. so im not like "oh he would never" do anything. but im over that paranoia stuff cuz if he decides to do me wrong it wont be because of me. ive been on my best behavior ive been nothing but nice. & i never trip on him about anything.
i just worry that maybe hes so comfortable like..im just..kinda there at this point. like if some new pretty girl comes along for him to get to know, im gunna be left behind because i mean we already know eachother. im not new and exciting to him. i dont think. i feel like on his part theres no passion. when we are kissing & this & that yea theres passion but boys can duplicate that with anyone theyre attracted to. so im just tryin to go about life & not think about it. i dont feel incredibly welcome or wanted at the time..idk. im not trippin. tyG. i mean..if we are 'talking" still, i believe that if i make it past this month we will have been talking longer than him & anyone else at this school. & hes already made it for the longest ive talked to anyone continuously. so..yea. idk. things went down. like i said, i dont distrust em anymore. i feel like we made it through a lot. now i guess i just gotta let it see where it goes. see if it gets better or if it just dies off and either way let it be. i dont wanna be without em. idk. i guess i just dont have anyone else right now. & i do like him. i dont wanna accept that you know its just.. not gunna happen ever. but at the same time im not trippi on a title right now. i just wanna get to the point where we talk every day. tell eachother everything. you know, get some collateral. so that i know im a crucial part of his life and hes a crucial part of mine. i want us to be best friends. i still look at his fb. but not as often. mostly just to see what hes doin. i did text em yday. just to c how his first day was. the convo was cool nothin special. i did tell em he needs to come to MY room one of these days but he aint say nothin. i think im just gunna give up on us ever having a meaningful conversation via text lol. im just getting usedto how he is hes an in person or not at all type person. do i want something more.. MORE.? yes. but like i said. right now, i like him & i think he likes me. im not gunna turn down other options for him. speaking of. today, let another OLD "option" kinda of take its course. nothing to write home about. i did think about him the whole time though & it made me realize if its someone i know right now, i dont want em if its not him. if i meet someone new maybe but like..idk. i just want him more consistently. hes not reliable right now. idont have any collateral & i would really like to have some. i just hope that if someone moves on first its me cause i dont wanna feel that again. i have been thinking about valentines day. i think im gunna wait til like 1 week before & see where things are before i pursue other options lol i already have a friend in mine. if i decide to care. i might now. i mean every year i would love to have someone. i want flowers and a bear and to feel special. at one point i thought maybe wed be official by then. HA. haha i laugh at that now i really do. theres no way. i dont c us doing that..period now. we'll see. things can change drastically overnight who knows what almost a month could do. but im not gunna hint. or hope. or pray about it. i just wanna be at peace with things as they are. however they are at any given time. right now the only thing i would change about us is that id have us talking more. like everyday and more often. but im cool. im not gunna ponder all the ppl he could be talking to or what he could b doing. i know if i wanted to know i could ask and he would tell me. he hasnt been on fb the last thing on his wall is a post from me :) but yea um im just gunna guess he went to class & is playing basketball. the only thing other than that ive even heard of him doing is playing video games with malik. I thank God for the confidence ive gained. im pretty sure im the best he could do. surely im the best option he has credential wise and lookwise and by rating of heart. but its about who youre attracted to. i dont take that away from how i view myself though. i know i have a lot to offer thats not my concern. i just think right now hes not trippin on a girl. i think before i was just remembering like getting swept off your feet by somebody you really like that makes you want to cuff. andi was like man if its not me someones gunna come along, and they still might. i hope they dont but i cant stop em. i just.. hope that if the bug does bite him its with me. i think it already bit me and im recovering now lol but yea im just gunna focus on school & not getting too caught up because if i give school my 100% anyway, im not gunna have time to be how i want us to be. i could make time but i probably wont need to. ugh i wish he was the LEAST bit romantic i really would die if i got a bear and flowers on vday. but were just..not like that. were basically friends with benefits at this point. its not my dream coem true but thats just my interpretation. and i dont wanna be alone and thats what i have right now. its crazy i can literally picture like if i dont text him, us like not talking for a good two weeks. especially not seeing eachother i think thats just about over. ill probably see him friday at lillies pre game. POSSIBLY tomorrow at her bday dinner im not sure. everyones broke right now lol im hoping that on friday if hes there maybe we can have a repeat of monday (except better.) but idk its a long shot. i actually didnt text em today. i wanted to as soon as old prospect left because i was wondering if hed careif he found out. would he be like WHAT and never talk to me again. i think hed care. but yea, we'll see. ill give it a few days and see if he says anything. but as for everything weve been doing a lot better. we dont normally go a full day without talking. its usually me but every now and then its him. or he'll like a facebook status or a pic or something. & im getting close to all his friends. i tried a little in the beginning but its not hard theyre all super cool. especially door # 1 that ish just happens. hes the closest one. him & his gal r so cute man i wish he would be an influence on his friend lol but shrug. who knows. anyway. i just hope things get better and we get closer not further apart as school goes on because if it can be considered cumulative we have almost been talking for two months. & if it matters, he still feels new and exciting to me. :) anyway kbye
i hate it when im like that
anyway long story short it got to the point i made em talk on 'day 5" and he said he thought it would "better us" if we were just friends & he wanted to go back to how we were. which is what i wanted too. things have gotten better
but he hasnt changed much
i have
ive just loosened up
i dont make lovey statuses anymore
even though if i wanna write on his wall or like a pic or comment i just do it now
& most the time if i wanna text em i just do
sometimes he texts me
which is an improvement
its better than when we were officially talking i can say that
i dont sit around paranoid anymore but its more God has given me the strength to just not let myself do it
i try to focus on other things
& since were not..wll idk if we are, but if were not which i dont think we are
talking,
i have no right to do a lot of the things i used to. so i just chill & pretend not to care
finally got to go over there after the plex
we didnt talk about "us"
it was really just like old times but after a while he did get like..idk on me
i cant say it was the most affectionate thing in the world
i get his humor now so i dont find him as rude as i used to though hes definitely never just out right sweet
we just fought (play fight) & fake argued
he did bring up me dancing on the other void prospect (he doesnt know hes a void prospect) but he brought it up twice in a reproachful tone which made me think he might have cared
i did see him watching me several times
i wanted to b around him & i did want him there im not gunna lie
BUT i went about my own thing i ddint talk to em once we got in the party
i talked to em after though
told em to tell me when he got back & he did
so i went over there
we were just looking up his classes & watching tv at first
then we were fighting
then we were just talking about whos friends with who & this & that
i remember now thats how we got to know e/o
hes a good listener
we talked about how i never go out & how im not that close to some peeople
and how i used to be when i first came
& he was like 'thats good you grew up though' i was like 'i changed a lot" and he was like 'for the better though" and it was cool after that we were just laying there kinda cuddled up. at first he told me to come here and i wouldnt then he turned over & i waited but he was going to sleep so i made em wakeup and i was like "wutcha doin" lol and he was like" what..layin down..haha what you doin" lol i was like ';dont go to sleep" he was like 'well shit since u over there chillin" lol so..idk i felt a little like he might want to take advantage of the time with me idk i feel mixed emotions about the whole thing. but yea we were just hugged up & he was rubbing the small of my back & i was rubbing the back of his neck while we were talking. then idk how we got past talking. oh yea idk i turned over & i wasnt facing him. & he was like feeling my face & then my lips thats how it went on haah
i still feel chills when he touches me. but we didnt get into the usual cuddle position from the git. i was laying on top of the covers at first. and he had to kind of playfully force his way into usbeing in a more intimate position.
i mean the way i feel is different from how i normally feel. im not all lovey dovey like i was thank you Lord that is a 100% miracle. I still like him. a lot. & if i could choose someone to be with it would be him, but i still want us to get closer. i still feel like we should naturally be closer than we are now by this point & i do get the feeling sometimes that there is no opportunity for advancement, ive just never seen it happen. i didnt do the "were just friends" thing. probably shouldve. but like, as friends, hes not allowed to say anything about who i dance with or anything i do. that made me think he does somewhat associate himself with me im not quite sure. idk if he was just sayin whatever. but he brought it up. and afterwards like outside the party he hugged me and felt my back and was like "dang youre sweaty u musta been working." so it was a good 2-3 times he brought it up i didnt defend myself (thank you God for helping me be cool) cause i dont have to. & i didnt chop him up about anything. but he was sayin he was just chillin (the usual thirsty drunk freshman wasnt there) so i was like just cause your normal groupies werent there and he was like 'there were girls there" so he acted like he made it a point that i was dancing and he wasnt. like it was a personal choice. i mean these are just things that if i thought he still liked and wanted to talk to me, would serve as confirmation. but i guess i could assume that theres still something just from the fact that i was over there. he told me two girls slept in his bed the night before randomly. & he slept on the couch? lol but yea. oh and when i told em where randall lived (that it was a boy) he got quiet. idk. he never struck me as the jealous type so im like blah whatever lol idk what it is im not assuming anything he doesnt tell me. it surprised me tho when i went over there he was all in bed & shirtless watchin tv super comfortable like he expected me to spend the night and i actually wasnt planning on it. so i guess hes kinda used to me too. at this point thats my only concern. im over the trust issues. i know he could do whatever and i either wouldnt know or would have to find out the hard way, i mean theres a chance. theres no proof for good or bad. so im not like "oh he would never" do anything. but im over that paranoia stuff cuz if he decides to do me wrong it wont be because of me. ive been on my best behavior ive been nothing but nice. & i never trip on him about anything.
i just worry that maybe hes so comfortable like..im just..kinda there at this point. like if some new pretty girl comes along for him to get to know, im gunna be left behind because i mean we already know eachother. im not new and exciting to him. i dont think. i feel like on his part theres no passion. when we are kissing & this & that yea theres passion but boys can duplicate that with anyone theyre attracted to. so im just tryin to go about life & not think about it. i dont feel incredibly welcome or wanted at the time..idk. im not trippin. tyG. i mean..if we are 'talking" still, i believe that if i make it past this month we will have been talking longer than him & anyone else at this school. & hes already made it for the longest ive talked to anyone continuously. so..yea. idk. things went down. like i said, i dont distrust em anymore. i feel like we made it through a lot. now i guess i just gotta let it see where it goes. see if it gets better or if it just dies off and either way let it be. i dont wanna be without em. idk. i guess i just dont have anyone else right now. & i do like him. i dont wanna accept that you know its just.. not gunna happen ever. but at the same time im not trippi on a title right now. i just wanna get to the point where we talk every day. tell eachother everything. you know, get some collateral. so that i know im a crucial part of his life and hes a crucial part of mine. i want us to be best friends. i still look at his fb. but not as often. mostly just to see what hes doin. i did text em yday. just to c how his first day was. the convo was cool nothin special. i did tell em he needs to come to MY room one of these days but he aint say nothin. i think im just gunna give up on us ever having a meaningful conversation via text lol. im just getting usedto how he is hes an in person or not at all type person. do i want something more.. MORE.? yes. but like i said. right now, i like him & i think he likes me. im not gunna turn down other options for him. speaking of. today, let another OLD "option" kinda of take its course. nothing to write home about. i did think about him the whole time though & it made me realize if its someone i know right now, i dont want em if its not him. if i meet someone new maybe but like..idk. i just want him more consistently. hes not reliable right now. idont have any collateral & i would really like to have some. i just hope that if someone moves on first its me cause i dont wanna feel that again. i have been thinking about valentines day. i think im gunna wait til like 1 week before & see where things are before i pursue other options lol i already have a friend in mine. if i decide to care. i might now. i mean every year i would love to have someone. i want flowers and a bear and to feel special. at one point i thought maybe wed be official by then. HA. haha i laugh at that now i really do. theres no way. i dont c us doing that..period now. we'll see. things can change drastically overnight who knows what almost a month could do. but im not gunna hint. or hope. or pray about it. i just wanna be at peace with things as they are. however they are at any given time. right now the only thing i would change about us is that id have us talking more. like everyday and more often. but im cool. im not gunna ponder all the ppl he could be talking to or what he could b doing. i know if i wanted to know i could ask and he would tell me. he hasnt been on fb the last thing on his wall is a post from me :) but yea um im just gunna guess he went to class & is playing basketball. the only thing other than that ive even heard of him doing is playing video games with malik. I thank God for the confidence ive gained. im pretty sure im the best he could do. surely im the best option he has credential wise and lookwise and by rating of heart. but its about who youre attracted to. i dont take that away from how i view myself though. i know i have a lot to offer thats not my concern. i just think right now hes not trippin on a girl. i think before i was just remembering like getting swept off your feet by somebody you really like that makes you want to cuff. andi was like man if its not me someones gunna come along, and they still might. i hope they dont but i cant stop em. i just.. hope that if the bug does bite him its with me. i think it already bit me and im recovering now lol but yea im just gunna focus on school & not getting too caught up because if i give school my 100% anyway, im not gunna have time to be how i want us to be. i could make time but i probably wont need to. ugh i wish he was the LEAST bit romantic i really would die if i got a bear and flowers on vday. but were just..not like that. were basically friends with benefits at this point. its not my dream coem true but thats just my interpretation. and i dont wanna be alone and thats what i have right now. its crazy i can literally picture like if i dont text him, us like not talking for a good two weeks. especially not seeing eachother i think thats just about over. ill probably see him friday at lillies pre game. POSSIBLY tomorrow at her bday dinner im not sure. everyones broke right now lol im hoping that on friday if hes there maybe we can have a repeat of monday (except better.) but idk its a long shot. i actually didnt text em today. i wanted to as soon as old prospect left because i was wondering if hed careif he found out. would he be like WHAT and never talk to me again. i think hed care. but yea, we'll see. ill give it a few days and see if he says anything. but as for everything weve been doing a lot better. we dont normally go a full day without talking. its usually me but every now and then its him. or he'll like a facebook status or a pic or something. & im getting close to all his friends. i tried a little in the beginning but its not hard theyre all super cool. especially door # 1 that ish just happens. hes the closest one. him & his gal r so cute man i wish he would be an influence on his friend lol but shrug. who knows. anyway. i just hope things get better and we get closer not further apart as school goes on because if it can be considered cumulative we have almost been talking for two months. & if it matters, he still feels new and exciting to me. :) anyway kbye
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
help me let em go
God just helpe me let em go.
when i look at his pics now. and his videos
hes already got his whole life, i dont fit
before, idk when you both like e/o you make adjustments
it just happens
you meet their friends
yall meet halfway
they just include you
its the intertwinement of lives
when youre apart it all seems so complicated
and im like what was i thinking? how did i think this would work
this is just a guy you liked that showed you some attention
thats about it
and we didnt even make it into the new year
if it was gunna work why would it break down so early
he did this. not me
i fought to keep it
its what he wanted
hes not even like that
hes not romantic
i keep going thru my memory, reliving mo0ments to see what i saw in him
what made me think we could be all this
ididnt draw the conclusion out of thin air
it was the old him
he WAS sweet
he always let me win
hed give me my way to make me happy
he spoiled me
we had amazing times together
i guess mostly when we were alone but at the plex that was fun
idk
i miss that. that was a LONG time ago tho
i a LONG time ago
LONG
almost a month. :( wow, its been THAT long. yea. it has. that loong since we were doing good & that long since weve even seen eachother
and he doesnt even miss me
gosh, yea girl
he sure did like you
psh
do you want a guy that wont tell you he misses you?
that will never gal you
that starves you for affection
he just led me on. sigh
idk what the deal is. all i know is i gotta keep moving toward getting over him
God just help me let em go its for my own good
cause if i get my hopes up
thinking hes gunna come for me
and save me
and ...the same thing that always happens
happens,
its gunna hurt worse the second time
it always does
i cant give him the upper hand
they dont use it to fix things
they just take it and i feel dumb
i cant give anymore
i wanna be with him. but i cant have what i want can i?
i want his heart. more than anything
but i cant have that
so God just help me be strong & let him go
when i look at his pics now. and his videos
hes already got his whole life, i dont fit
before, idk when you both like e/o you make adjustments
it just happens
you meet their friends
yall meet halfway
they just include you
its the intertwinement of lives
when youre apart it all seems so complicated
and im like what was i thinking? how did i think this would work
this is just a guy you liked that showed you some attention
thats about it
and we didnt even make it into the new year
if it was gunna work why would it break down so early
he did this. not me
i fought to keep it
its what he wanted
hes not even like that
hes not romantic
i keep going thru my memory, reliving mo0ments to see what i saw in him
what made me think we could be all this
ididnt draw the conclusion out of thin air
it was the old him
he WAS sweet
he always let me win
hed give me my way to make me happy
he spoiled me
we had amazing times together
i guess mostly when we were alone but at the plex that was fun
idk
i miss that. that was a LONG time ago tho
i a LONG time ago
LONG
almost a month. :( wow, its been THAT long. yea. it has. that loong since we were doing good & that long since weve even seen eachother
and he doesnt even miss me
gosh, yea girl
he sure did like you
psh
do you want a guy that wont tell you he misses you?
that will never gal you
that starves you for affection
he just led me on. sigh
idk what the deal is. all i know is i gotta keep moving toward getting over him
God just help me let em go its for my own good
cause if i get my hopes up
thinking hes gunna come for me
and save me
and ...the same thing that always happens
happens,
its gunna hurt worse the second time
it always does
i cant give him the upper hand
they dont use it to fix things
they just take it and i feel dumb
i cant give anymore
i wanna be with him. but i cant have what i want can i?
i want his heart. more than anything
but i cant have that
so God just help me be strong & let him go
undeniably better day
yesterday was good. i just had a brief spout of depression at work. so i guess "day 1" wasnt so horrible. & i did sleep...after a little bit of fantasizing.
i shouldnt have let myself but it wasnt that bad
i didnt dream about em
i was like eff it if im gunna cry myself to sleep anyway
and im not gunna die..so i just
i guess dreamed about what it would be like if he was how i thought
if he had been freakin out all this time
& somehow could read my mind & was suddenly just aware of what i wanted
[im gunna describe how the daydream went then ill go back to today]
anyway so i guess he told me to come over there? anyway after i had been worn down i guess. so i drive to cullen. he meets me at the gate. theres all kind of like passion and that "pull" in the hair. ive been crying & he can tell, theres still like wetness & mascara mess but its not ugly lol (of course not its a dream)
but yea and he just sees me and hes like ..omg r u crying & he of course like puts his arms around me & pulls me to his chest (where my head is on him lol)
and just holds me there & i cry a little more & he just keeps saying im so sorry
michelle...stop crying. im so sorry...omg and i can picture his face
like holding me and looking up and around like "wow what do i do"
but he really does feel bad then he pulls me back and wipes my tears and holds my face and looks me like dead in the eyes and says michelle..i am really, really sorry
and i just look down and he lifts up my chin with his perfect touch, Gah i always wanted a guy that could get away with smooth ish like that. i promise he looks like he would b the lamest do but he is super smooth like wtf. anyway
and he pulls my chin up and looks at me and says. im sorry..i didnt know it hurt you that much. do you believe me. and i cry a little more & knod my head & he takes my hand and walks me to the room. then were in the room or w/e & the tvs off and im sitting against the pillow with my knees against my chest and hands around them and we just talk i guess. then he asks me will i please lay down so i do. i turn away & we get like we usually are. Oh dear God in those heaven sent arms. you should have to pay to lay in those arms. anyway, so yea ..everytime i keep writing i look at my phone. he hasnt texted me today. smh. idk why the hell i felt like we have this effing mind connection. like he has EVER felt my pain. EVER felt himself losing me. EVER EVER EVER texted me when i needed him to or been there when i needed him at all. my stupid fairy mind. anyway, the dream is ten times better than reality is or ever will be. i should really write a book but whatever indulge me for a minute.
so i lay down with him and im laying the opposite way for a while like we usually do. and hes rubbing me but not the same as always. its different now. with every touch of his fingertip to my skin i can feel his soul flooding onto me. the same way mine flows onto him everytime i lay there with him. but before, im pretty sure he never felt it. i feel the passion this time. i can tell that he values me and is cherishing this moment like i am. he is laying there thanking God for a second chance praying i never leave him again. its like were both glowing. and im just laying there like..idk basking in it. taken aback by the feelings. He squeezes me tight like he never wants the moment to end. finally its mutual. then he just rubs my arm. finally noticing how soft my skin is. and leans into my neck and right before he kisses it more gently than ever, he stops to take in how good i smell. he never notice before how good i smell. he kisses me several times on the neck and shoulder but just..thankful kisses. the way you kiss something you have missed dearly. and i feel like i have died and gone to heaven. theres pain but its good because he feels it too. and he just lays his cheek on my shoulder and leans over me. kind of to see what im doing. and as he pulls back my hair he feels how nice and soft it is. hes noticing everything now. it feels like he was blind before and can suddenly see. then he says michelle and i say what..and he says can you look at me. and i kind of turn then he turns me over and he just like holds me real real close and pets my hair and i can feel us both breath in with that deep breath of relief..like youve waited forever for air again. & he just asks me if im still thinking bout it and im like..no. and he says can you please forgive me. can we just go back to how we were. and i say idk..how can i trust you. you didnt want me..you just..ignored me you erased me. swatted me away like a bug and then acted like i was stranged for being bothered. you silenced me by ignoring me and made me feel so invisible. i was so sad for so long and im finally getting better you just wanna come back and make more promises just so you can break em. and he starts telling me EXACTLY LIKE OMG THE PERFECT THING FOR HIM TO SAY. he just says Michelle..look idk what i was thinking. i wasnt thinking i was just doing whatever i guess just working and being with my friends i just..didnt realize what i had waiting for me and i never saw it as that big of a deal. i was stupid idk what to say. im so sorry. i know i messed up if i coul;d take it back believe me i would. i just didnt know i hurt you like that. really..you think i dont care you think i dont feel bad but i do. i do think about you. i didnt expect you to just stop talking to me and when u did like i couldnt just forget. i havent gone and started talking to some other girl i been just trying to think of ways to talk to you. if you just give me one more chance i promise it wont be the same. i will make it up to you. and i say i njust dk and he says why wont you look at me and he sees that im crying and wipes my tears again and (this is what makes me want to DIE at this point) he says baby...and i like breath real hard and i feel the pull so much cause i have always wanted him to call me that and i never thought he would..ever. and i just look at him crazy and he says what i cant cal you baby. you know you my baby i know you know that and im like...just speechless. and its like the climax at this point theres so much freaking romantic tension in the air im pulled to so many different emotions. i feel like blessed to have this effing movie moment and then shocked that its happening and scared that its not even real. and he just looks at me and says i know i havent treated you right. i know that now i guess i ddint see it before i wasnt really paying attention. but you havent talked to me in so long and its been driving me crazy. i just let shit go i dont be trippin especially not over a girl but when youre mad at me like i just cant leave it alone. i never just felt like that before. not in a long time. i was like damn i cant believe she left me. then i would think about all the stuff you said and suddenly i started to be able to relate to what u were telling me. i was like why is she so mad. and i realized u were right. i didnt come thru on my promises i really just ignored you and i am truly sorry like.. it was like this epiphany. i never wated a girl. didnt really feel like i had time. i was just always so caught up with school and i guess my friends. but you..all i could think about was all this random stuff. how fine you were. how fucking hilarious you are. all the goofy shit you do. and like moments like this layin in my bed doin whatever. and youre smart and you got goals you work youre not lazy. you dont be in no drama. i admit i used to get annoyed when ud b trippin bout random stuff but i see it was because you cared. i know a lot of girls may like me or whatever but i dont know if any of em just cared like you did. or were as fun or just perfect. i remember when you told me you thoufght i was perfect. these past couple days or weeks or whatever. i realized thats you. youre perfect. and i was wrong to toss neglect you like i did. i shouldve treated you better. i know you dont trust me and i know why. i messed up. but if you just give it a second chance. ill prove to you i care. and im just layin there like idk what to do hes tellin me everything i wanna hear but my mind is all over the place like man i been fine without you why go back he has never come through before what makes it different telling ymself over and over michelle be smart lifes not a fairytale lifes not a fairytale lifes not a fairytale and i just say..brandon like it tooks me so long just to be ok. i wanted to be with you brandon. i was just waiting for you to ask me but you made me feel..so not good enough. and hes like i knooow im sorry. and im like i feel like were really just not on the right page we dont want the same thing im not tryna go thru this again i just wanna be happy. and he says i dont make you happy? and i said..you did. and he says you wont let me make you happy again? do you still want to be with me? and i just..look down. and curl up against his chest and he says oh my goodness why do u keep doing that and he pulls me up and im like omg hes so strong uughh sexy ass lol and he makes me look at him and he says do you want to be my girlfriend. and im lookin at him like ugh nigga dont be stupid and i say brandon. like omg that shit is rude u didnt want nothin to do with me u didnt have time for me before now u expect me to believe u want me to be your girlfriend just because what i was mad/? thats like tellin someone they won the lottery and then say SYKE! thats mean dont play with me u aint fitna change that relationship status and he says oh my goodnesss and kind of rolls over and hes like you dont believe me why would i say something like that michelle think about it im not trippin on no facebook ill change it right now and im like ..ur fuckin serious? and hes like well now dang.and im like ok do you just wanna know or are you saying WILL I? na dhe says omg. youre difficult. WILL YOU? and i say, if youre serious, yes. and he says THANK YOU. geez. and i just turn over so i can cheeeeese so hard and almost cry and just thank the LORD because i cannot believe this is happening and 2011 is the best year ever and this is the best night of my life! & after that he turns over too and says wuchu smilin about and i say dang im happy can i be happy shit! and he says yea im glad you finally are. if youre happy im happy then he kisses me on my neck and then like idk it goes from there. he comes closer to me and i push my hips back on em. and he starts rubbin on my sides and pullin my hips against him and kissin on my neck and were both breathing hard and he turns me over and we start kissing and its like..better than ever and i feel like i dont even deserve to be this happy. i wrap my arms completely around his neck and he pulls my legs around his back and were just rollin around kissin and stuff and im like you better not change your mind in the morning and he looks at me like psh and he says i wont and goes about whatever. and you know it goes from there lol..
i had SO many dreams about us. just..being best friends. being well known for being together and being that couple that like when someone says they like brandon whoever they told is gon tell em bout me and basically say good luck with that one. takin pics everywhere we go. him asking me if i wanna come with him to freaking whataburger just to have me in the car. allll his friends knowin who i am. everyone bein able to tell when we have problems cause he gets all upset and his friends ask me michelle what is goin on with you and brandon. to be able to put a whole album dedicated to us and lovey statuses gallore. valentines day is coming up. then theres my bday. birthday dinner him sitting next to me meeting my family and stuff. he doesnt have to come to my competition but if he did hed ride with me and if he didnt come hed be texting me all day and make a status like good luck to my girl in her competition today shes gunna win. and like his friends be able to make fun of him like nigga you sprung. and for us to be the last one standing. when everyone breaks up, we gon make it. cause no matter what we go thru our feelings get deeper everyday and we cannotlive regular happy lives without eachother. til i know everrything about this man and he knows everything about me. when im mad about something i text him and he says smh what happened now and i tell em and hes like ugh but he listens. i go workout and then watch him play basketball. bring em food home from work. then theres padre. relays. it would be so fun. we could be in the same place but not have to be all on eachothers tips. i could loosen up if he would TIGHTEN up. but thats just me, im always willing to be better for him. i care enough to try to keep him.
it sounds nice doesnt it? anyone reading would smile and be like ahh its like a dream! too bad it is. too too bad. cause we really could be so perfect.
im trying.
to force myself to accept reality
instead of trying to mold it into my little fantasies
i know my daydreams have destroyed relationships
but my mind only creates stimulus where there is none
my delusions only happen when reality is not doing the trick
whenever we were closer, i just reinacted real life in my brain
let me make it clear he was MORE than enough
all i wanted was more of what we already had
ill still always wonder why. if he liked me then why did he neglect me why ignore me and put everything under the sun before me
but if he didnt like me, why stay? is that what he does with all girls
i thought about it last night what it would be like for him
if this time of me not speaking to him would make him like me more or less
if he would compare girls to me or not
like i know im a good kisser. among other things.
i know my physical-stuff style is different and usual tends to be more advanced than the average guirl my age. feels like most other girls if it gets to that point would surely be boring they dont participate as much
(still keep checking the phone)
anyway. and i wonder if he has good chemistry with everyone. like does he chill with everyone like he chilled with me? he talked to taylor apparently for a good montha and a half maybe more so its like..they lasted longer than us. it is 100% possible that he liked her more. or maybe she just wasnt as "needy"
idk. it takes me a while to come down from the fairy tales
but today was cool.
i think im still a little buzzed because he texted me yday
i try not to think about it but im probably only less miserable because i thought he didnt care at ALL. and the fact that he texted me shows i at least crossed his mind
i commented on maliks pic today and mikes status (his friends) so i feel like its only a matter of time til he notices im never on his timeline or clicks on my picture. to see if i have my phone maybe after a couple days pass and i still havent texted back
i cant imagine him texting me again after i ignored him yesterday especially if he knows i deliberately ignored him
too proud. he aint beggin for shit
i know he cares when ppl r mad at him but i think if he sees i deleted him hell probably just be mad at me. at least at first. and be like okay its beef. now that i think about it, it was a little crucial. but im sorry ive felt so much better since i did it if im supposed to b getting over him why does it matter.
its gunna define "us" really. its gunna show if he ever cared. if he can just let me go without so much as a plea, then as insulting as that is, ill just be gone and eventually ill be over him. little by little every day my image of him gets lower. and i accept his heartlessness. little by little.
obviously i still like him.
i still daydream. its still hard to separate it. but..im trying
didnt cry today
didnt even have the urge
im not sad. right now.
i feel like it could get ugly.
when he sees that i deleted him it could get ugly.
and if he ever does decide to fight me on it ...which honestly, id probably love but not if hes just gunna stay the same. i wanna get close to him not further and i dont wanna like get close just long enough to keep me on board then go back to neglect. id freaking LOVE for him to feel bad and wanna make it up to me. duh.
im trying to adjust to the idea that thats not going to happen. because there is a HUGE majority percentage possibility that this is it. that hes not gunna fall for some hissy fit and hes not gunna chase me down the road. i guess we'll find out how he thought of me. i feel like it had been over for a minute. his actions are so effing loud his words are pretty much silent now. ugh girl stop chekcing the phone.
but yea. day 2. was a success. i didnt eat AWESOME but i made myself workout and i didnt eat bad. it was a day of procrastination. i dont wanna sleep late anymore. wasted a whole day lol.
if were gunna be honest. yes i do miss old Brandon.
terribly. but not as much as i really just feel like the whole thing was a lie. hes basically a stranger. i still go to his page. im glad i cant see his wall but i do look at his pictures. he is adorable. honestly, and especially compared to his friends, his style is questionable BUT idk. i guess i jsut miss the idea. its embarrassing what i let myself think. it gets a little less shameful everyday.
and little by little im starting to except that i have ZERO control over the situation. annnnd that.. he really is gone.
i shouldnt have let myself but it wasnt that bad
i didnt dream about em
i was like eff it if im gunna cry myself to sleep anyway
and im not gunna die..so i just
i guess dreamed about what it would be like if he was how i thought
if he had been freakin out all this time
& somehow could read my mind & was suddenly just aware of what i wanted
[im gunna describe how the daydream went then ill go back to today]
anyway so i guess he told me to come over there? anyway after i had been worn down i guess. so i drive to cullen. he meets me at the gate. theres all kind of like passion and that "pull" in the hair. ive been crying & he can tell, theres still like wetness & mascara mess but its not ugly lol (of course not its a dream)
but yea and he just sees me and hes like ..omg r u crying & he of course like puts his arms around me & pulls me to his chest (where my head is on him lol)
and just holds me there & i cry a little more & he just keeps saying im so sorry
michelle...stop crying. im so sorry...omg and i can picture his face
like holding me and looking up and around like "wow what do i do"
but he really does feel bad then he pulls me back and wipes my tears and holds my face and looks me like dead in the eyes and says michelle..i am really, really sorry
and i just look down and he lifts up my chin with his perfect touch, Gah i always wanted a guy that could get away with smooth ish like that. i promise he looks like he would b the lamest do but he is super smooth like wtf. anyway
and he pulls my chin up and looks at me and says. im sorry..i didnt know it hurt you that much. do you believe me. and i cry a little more & knod my head & he takes my hand and walks me to the room. then were in the room or w/e & the tvs off and im sitting against the pillow with my knees against my chest and hands around them and we just talk i guess. then he asks me will i please lay down so i do. i turn away & we get like we usually are. Oh dear God in those heaven sent arms. you should have to pay to lay in those arms. anyway, so yea ..everytime i keep writing i look at my phone. he hasnt texted me today. smh. idk why the hell i felt like we have this effing mind connection. like he has EVER felt my pain. EVER felt himself losing me. EVER EVER EVER texted me when i needed him to or been there when i needed him at all. my stupid fairy mind. anyway, the dream is ten times better than reality is or ever will be. i should really write a book but whatever indulge me for a minute.
so i lay down with him and im laying the opposite way for a while like we usually do. and hes rubbing me but not the same as always. its different now. with every touch of his fingertip to my skin i can feel his soul flooding onto me. the same way mine flows onto him everytime i lay there with him. but before, im pretty sure he never felt it. i feel the passion this time. i can tell that he values me and is cherishing this moment like i am. he is laying there thanking God for a second chance praying i never leave him again. its like were both glowing. and im just laying there like..idk basking in it. taken aback by the feelings. He squeezes me tight like he never wants the moment to end. finally its mutual. then he just rubs my arm. finally noticing how soft my skin is. and leans into my neck and right before he kisses it more gently than ever, he stops to take in how good i smell. he never notice before how good i smell. he kisses me several times on the neck and shoulder but just..thankful kisses. the way you kiss something you have missed dearly. and i feel like i have died and gone to heaven. theres pain but its good because he feels it too. and he just lays his cheek on my shoulder and leans over me. kind of to see what im doing. and as he pulls back my hair he feels how nice and soft it is. hes noticing everything now. it feels like he was blind before and can suddenly see. then he says michelle and i say what..and he says can you look at me. and i kind of turn then he turns me over and he just like holds me real real close and pets my hair and i can feel us both breath in with that deep breath of relief..like youve waited forever for air again. & he just asks me if im still thinking bout it and im like..no. and he says can you please forgive me. can we just go back to how we were. and i say idk..how can i trust you. you didnt want me..you just..ignored me you erased me. swatted me away like a bug and then acted like i was stranged for being bothered. you silenced me by ignoring me and made me feel so invisible. i was so sad for so long and im finally getting better you just wanna come back and make more promises just so you can break em. and he starts telling me EXACTLY LIKE OMG THE PERFECT THING FOR HIM TO SAY. he just says Michelle..look idk what i was thinking. i wasnt thinking i was just doing whatever i guess just working and being with my friends i just..didnt realize what i had waiting for me and i never saw it as that big of a deal. i was stupid idk what to say. im so sorry. i know i messed up if i coul;d take it back believe me i would. i just didnt know i hurt you like that. really..you think i dont care you think i dont feel bad but i do. i do think about you. i didnt expect you to just stop talking to me and when u did like i couldnt just forget. i havent gone and started talking to some other girl i been just trying to think of ways to talk to you. if you just give me one more chance i promise it wont be the same. i will make it up to you. and i say i njust dk and he says why wont you look at me and he sees that im crying and wipes my tears again and (this is what makes me want to DIE at this point) he says baby...and i like breath real hard and i feel the pull so much cause i have always wanted him to call me that and i never thought he would..ever. and i just look at him crazy and he says what i cant cal you baby. you know you my baby i know you know that and im like...just speechless. and its like the climax at this point theres so much freaking romantic tension in the air im pulled to so many different emotions. i feel like blessed to have this effing movie moment and then shocked that its happening and scared that its not even real. and he just looks at me and says i know i havent treated you right. i know that now i guess i ddint see it before i wasnt really paying attention. but you havent talked to me in so long and its been driving me crazy. i just let shit go i dont be trippin especially not over a girl but when youre mad at me like i just cant leave it alone. i never just felt like that before. not in a long time. i was like damn i cant believe she left me. then i would think about all the stuff you said and suddenly i started to be able to relate to what u were telling me. i was like why is she so mad. and i realized u were right. i didnt come thru on my promises i really just ignored you and i am truly sorry like.. it was like this epiphany. i never wated a girl. didnt really feel like i had time. i was just always so caught up with school and i guess my friends. but you..all i could think about was all this random stuff. how fine you were. how fucking hilarious you are. all the goofy shit you do. and like moments like this layin in my bed doin whatever. and youre smart and you got goals you work youre not lazy. you dont be in no drama. i admit i used to get annoyed when ud b trippin bout random stuff but i see it was because you cared. i know a lot of girls may like me or whatever but i dont know if any of em just cared like you did. or were as fun or just perfect. i remember when you told me you thoufght i was perfect. these past couple days or weeks or whatever. i realized thats you. youre perfect. and i was wrong to toss neglect you like i did. i shouldve treated you better. i know you dont trust me and i know why. i messed up. but if you just give it a second chance. ill prove to you i care. and im just layin there like idk what to do hes tellin me everything i wanna hear but my mind is all over the place like man i been fine without you why go back he has never come through before what makes it different telling ymself over and over michelle be smart lifes not a fairytale lifes not a fairytale lifes not a fairytale and i just say..brandon like it tooks me so long just to be ok. i wanted to be with you brandon. i was just waiting for you to ask me but you made me feel..so not good enough. and hes like i knooow im sorry. and im like i feel like were really just not on the right page we dont want the same thing im not tryna go thru this again i just wanna be happy. and he says i dont make you happy? and i said..you did. and he says you wont let me make you happy again? do you still want to be with me? and i just..look down. and curl up against his chest and he says oh my goodness why do u keep doing that and he pulls me up and im like omg hes so strong uughh sexy ass lol and he makes me look at him and he says do you want to be my girlfriend. and im lookin at him like ugh nigga dont be stupid and i say brandon. like omg that shit is rude u didnt want nothin to do with me u didnt have time for me before now u expect me to believe u want me to be your girlfriend just because what i was mad/? thats like tellin someone they won the lottery and then say SYKE! thats mean dont play with me u aint fitna change that relationship status and he says oh my goodnesss and kind of rolls over and hes like you dont believe me why would i say something like that michelle think about it im not trippin on no facebook ill change it right now and im like ..ur fuckin serious? and hes like well now dang.and im like ok do you just wanna know or are you saying WILL I? na dhe says omg. youre difficult. WILL YOU? and i say, if youre serious, yes. and he says THANK YOU. geez. and i just turn over so i can cheeeeese so hard and almost cry and just thank the LORD because i cannot believe this is happening and 2011 is the best year ever and this is the best night of my life! & after that he turns over too and says wuchu smilin about and i say dang im happy can i be happy shit! and he says yea im glad you finally are. if youre happy im happy then he kisses me on my neck and then like idk it goes from there. he comes closer to me and i push my hips back on em. and he starts rubbin on my sides and pullin my hips against him and kissin on my neck and were both breathing hard and he turns me over and we start kissing and its like..better than ever and i feel like i dont even deserve to be this happy. i wrap my arms completely around his neck and he pulls my legs around his back and were just rollin around kissin and stuff and im like you better not change your mind in the morning and he looks at me like psh and he says i wont and goes about whatever. and you know it goes from there lol..
i had SO many dreams about us. just..being best friends. being well known for being together and being that couple that like when someone says they like brandon whoever they told is gon tell em bout me and basically say good luck with that one. takin pics everywhere we go. him asking me if i wanna come with him to freaking whataburger just to have me in the car. allll his friends knowin who i am. everyone bein able to tell when we have problems cause he gets all upset and his friends ask me michelle what is goin on with you and brandon. to be able to put a whole album dedicated to us and lovey statuses gallore. valentines day is coming up. then theres my bday. birthday dinner him sitting next to me meeting my family and stuff. he doesnt have to come to my competition but if he did hed ride with me and if he didnt come hed be texting me all day and make a status like good luck to my girl in her competition today shes gunna win. and like his friends be able to make fun of him like nigga you sprung. and for us to be the last one standing. when everyone breaks up, we gon make it. cause no matter what we go thru our feelings get deeper everyday and we cannotlive regular happy lives without eachother. til i know everrything about this man and he knows everything about me. when im mad about something i text him and he says smh what happened now and i tell em and hes like ugh but he listens. i go workout and then watch him play basketball. bring em food home from work. then theres padre. relays. it would be so fun. we could be in the same place but not have to be all on eachothers tips. i could loosen up if he would TIGHTEN up. but thats just me, im always willing to be better for him. i care enough to try to keep him.
it sounds nice doesnt it? anyone reading would smile and be like ahh its like a dream! too bad it is. too too bad. cause we really could be so perfect.
im trying.
to force myself to accept reality
instead of trying to mold it into my little fantasies
i know my daydreams have destroyed relationships
but my mind only creates stimulus where there is none
my delusions only happen when reality is not doing the trick
whenever we were closer, i just reinacted real life in my brain
let me make it clear he was MORE than enough
all i wanted was more of what we already had
ill still always wonder why. if he liked me then why did he neglect me why ignore me and put everything under the sun before me
but if he didnt like me, why stay? is that what he does with all girls
i thought about it last night what it would be like for him
if this time of me not speaking to him would make him like me more or less
if he would compare girls to me or not
like i know im a good kisser. among other things.
i know my physical-stuff style is different and usual tends to be more advanced than the average guirl my age. feels like most other girls if it gets to that point would surely be boring they dont participate as much
(still keep checking the phone)
anyway. and i wonder if he has good chemistry with everyone. like does he chill with everyone like he chilled with me? he talked to taylor apparently for a good montha and a half maybe more so its like..they lasted longer than us. it is 100% possible that he liked her more. or maybe she just wasnt as "needy"
idk. it takes me a while to come down from the fairy tales
but today was cool.
i think im still a little buzzed because he texted me yday
i try not to think about it but im probably only less miserable because i thought he didnt care at ALL. and the fact that he texted me shows i at least crossed his mind
i commented on maliks pic today and mikes status (his friends) so i feel like its only a matter of time til he notices im never on his timeline or clicks on my picture. to see if i have my phone maybe after a couple days pass and i still havent texted back
i cant imagine him texting me again after i ignored him yesterday especially if he knows i deliberately ignored him
too proud. he aint beggin for shit
i know he cares when ppl r mad at him but i think if he sees i deleted him hell probably just be mad at me. at least at first. and be like okay its beef. now that i think about it, it was a little crucial. but im sorry ive felt so much better since i did it if im supposed to b getting over him why does it matter.
its gunna define "us" really. its gunna show if he ever cared. if he can just let me go without so much as a plea, then as insulting as that is, ill just be gone and eventually ill be over him. little by little every day my image of him gets lower. and i accept his heartlessness. little by little.
obviously i still like him.
i still daydream. its still hard to separate it. but..im trying
didnt cry today
didnt even have the urge
im not sad. right now.
i feel like it could get ugly.
when he sees that i deleted him it could get ugly.
and if he ever does decide to fight me on it ...which honestly, id probably love but not if hes just gunna stay the same. i wanna get close to him not further and i dont wanna like get close just long enough to keep me on board then go back to neglect. id freaking LOVE for him to feel bad and wanna make it up to me. duh.
im trying to adjust to the idea that thats not going to happen. because there is a HUGE majority percentage possibility that this is it. that hes not gunna fall for some hissy fit and hes not gunna chase me down the road. i guess we'll find out how he thought of me. i feel like it had been over for a minute. his actions are so effing loud his words are pretty much silent now. ugh girl stop chekcing the phone.
but yea. day 2. was a success. i didnt eat AWESOME but i made myself workout and i didnt eat bad. it was a day of procrastination. i dont wanna sleep late anymore. wasted a whole day lol.
if were gunna be honest. yes i do miss old Brandon.
terribly. but not as much as i really just feel like the whole thing was a lie. hes basically a stranger. i still go to his page. im glad i cant see his wall but i do look at his pictures. he is adorable. honestly, and especially compared to his friends, his style is questionable BUT idk. i guess i jsut miss the idea. its embarrassing what i let myself think. it gets a little less shameful everyday.
and little by little im starting to except that i have ZERO control over the situation. annnnd that.. he really is gone.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
happy new year
welp. the new years eve curse persists. lets see 06 bj slept with my best friend. found that shit out on nye.
07 i partied w/ ashley. okay that was a good one.
08 i dont even remember
09 i was at mercury room. alone. waiting for the same boy. while he was with her.
for the most part i cry myself to sleep every new years eve. but i bring it on myself. always gettin my hopes up, makin the whole night about some boy that is only worried about himself.
this time it was about um. the most current "him".
my how things change. closer to the break starting, we had already started to fall apart. he just started neglecting me. he made so many excuses. swore hed change.
but the last night we were together wasnt the same and i was ready to leave.
he was so mean. bringin up old shit & talkin down to me.
allowing me to be in his presence but it was clear he wasnt cherishing every moment like i was.
i could see him fading away.
all i had to go by after that was "like"s on my fb pics & all the statuses were baout him.
holding onto the out of focus image of us having this..secret idk connection. holding onto that for dear life. romanticizing as usual. when in reality, he hasnt texted me first (until just now) since freaking..the first week we got out & that was the week he started making random conversation and not finishing it.
from then on i had to text him. wed go days without taliing & he never finished a conversation. takes hours to respond. when i went to mississippi we went 5 days without talking. he didnt even notice.
it just got worse & worse.
then a tried to b patient, give it time.
but when we did talk he was rude & unattentive. & i seen that he was tlaking to other ppl, just not me. i was convinced he was talking to someone else & that i needed to provoke him to cut me loose.
so i did. i asked him to just tell me he didnt wanna tlak to me anymore & he played dumb then when i told him my concerns (how we dont talk at all & when we do talk he acts like im bothering him & how he promised wed skype every other day and we never ever have). and he told me he just been caught up with work and hangin with his boys but hed make time to hit me up. said he was sorry for neglecting me. so im thinkin were good. yay were still talking, as usual told me what i wanted to hear.
but he didnt change.
had to find out on fb he was coming over here for nye..for a party.
i told em i had a surprise for him so text me if he came cause he said he was staying in his apt. i went & got lingerie & flavored oil & flavored body glitter. i was gunna light candles & just..it woulda been the perfect way to spend new years.
but when he finally did get to the club..it was just..the same ish.
same ratchett girl came right up in the middle of our convo & was all in his ear for ten minutes. he made all these excuses. whatever,
i tried to talk to him about everything & how hes been acting..
but he just..seemed to just b bothered by me. then he said he just wanted to have fun..
that really hurt. i was done at that point. i left at 130. and he didnt come after me. didnt text me til 4am. cried myself to sleep by 2.
the real reason i was crying was because..i could see him changing. all of a sudden my dreams turned to dust & i could see that he wasnt who i thought he was. he wasnt sweet. he wasnt treating me good. i was doing everything and he literally contributed absolutely nothing to my life but pain. & i knew that i was gunna have to let him go, and hed fight me, and id have to tell him no.
i couldnt take it. so i did it the next day.
he responded like 8 hrs later & said he didnt have a good time cause i was mad at him & that he didnt know what he had to do to prove to me that he cares.
so i told him, poured my heart out. no response.
the next day i told him..like, i dont wanna get over u why dont u stop me. if u were so affected by me leaving why didnt u come after me. no response. just a rude comment about my fb status.
like, hes not who i thought he was. he withdrew all his input 3 weeks ago, i been draggin it out. i cry every night. every single night. my heart is so broken because i really really really believed in him. i defended him so much,
ugh its always the same story,
i gave everything. waited patiently to no avail. just to take the backburner to everything in the world.
hes a sophmore hes immature i know the last thing hes worried bout is a girl
but he knew i was falling for him & he knew i was tryna cuff
he let me
i gave him so many chances to just be honest. we couldve been friends
and now its like a slow tear in my heart.
that he just lied.
i deleted him off facebook, skype, and oovoo. it may seem brash but he trapped me
took away my voice by ignoring me, forcing me to hold everything in
took me for granted and just..made me invisible
so much time energy and effort wasted
FRIENDS dont even treat eachother that bad
i guarentee he talks to other ppl throughout the night or day
why not me
hadnt i done enough to at least earn his respect
as usual. young ass boys cant appreciate a good girl who likes them for them
and is really down for them
and it just hurt. i thought he was different. thought he was the one
i wanted to be involved in his life
i wanted us to be best friends.
finally thought i wouldnt have to spend all the holidays alone but i did
and he doesnt see a problem
feels no remorse. like nothings wrong.
he hasnt even NOTICED i deleted him
he takes neglegence to a whole new level
i know the only way i can get over him is to cut him off completely so i can finally stop thinking about him and hoping
i keep tryna tell my stupid heart like
hes not gunna come after you. hes just like the rest let it go.
and put out this stupid ember of hope that is literally burning in the snow.
theres is no spiritual connection were not soulmates
he just needed entertainment for a period of time and now hes bored with me.
there was only one time that i actually felt him ..having the passion that i do
one time i could feel desperation through a text
i cant remember what made me stay.
cause he told me what i wanted to hear to make me shut up
those stupid lying arms
who knows he probably does the same ish with everyone
i hate it so much
i trusted you. i believed in you with all my heart even though you gave me no reason to
i never left you in the dark and you kne how i felt
and you let me jump off the cliff knowing you wouldnt be there to catch me
how could you let this happen to us? we had every opportunity
we had the path laid out for us we had GODS blessing
but even He cant make you feel when you are incapable.
you have no heart.
every night i barely sleep. just cry and cry and it feels like itll never end
i cry in the bathroom at work
and just wish over and over that is wasnt true
but its not the same
im not giving him his "surprise" anymore.
you know whats gunna happen?
hes gunna let me go. he never wanted me to stay. he just didnt wanna "hurt my feelings" well he did. very very badly. i dont even wanna talk to him now
not to the slightest
i almost feel like i shouldve just waited around for his friend cause hes a whole lote nicer to me and he tweets me like all the time.
but this one, threw me under the bus. i chose him. but he didnt choose me.
he cut through me with silence. anything to shut me up.
so im giving him what he wanted
silence
and he cant make me talk
even if it kills me it cant be worse than this and i cant keep blaming myself
for someone that literally cannot feel
what could i have done
hes disrespectful and unappreciative and selfish
and blind as a bat he looks right through me
im a good girl damnit. im pretty. im popular. im sweet im smart & im fun to be around. and i wouldve given him any and everything in this world it was in my power to give. he has my heart. for now.
i hate to say it but he does.
but ill lie to myself and everyone until i and they believe that he doesnnt
and i wont let him think he does either
i cant make him feel bad. i know he wont
the only reason hes gunna be bothered is because he knows hes wrong.
not even that. because he thinks hes such a good guy
and the way i feel about him now conflicts with the image he has of himself
so what. you want me to say i forgive you? you want me to say im not mad.
okay.
but youre not my friend.
you hurt me.
everything i put up with. everything we made it through. you talking to other girls. all the trust issues. you finally getting me to warm up and let you in.
then you just gave up. quit.
went on about your life. why. i will always always wonder that.
why did u lie. why did u feign interest why did u pretend to care.
i shouldve known better than to think you would gal me.
you must do this to every girl
i promise i thought you were what ive been waiting for
we couldve been a match made in heaven but i cant make you see me
what hurts the absolute most is to know that my presence doesnt make me happy.
you dont want my company.
your day is not afflicted by my absence.
and if im honest with myself i know you will be happier without me
i mean look at you. you been having the time of your freaking life. just working and chillin with your friends. forgetting i exist
i know youll continue
i just hope God helps me forget about you too so i can be happy too
i dont deserve this. i never did anything to disrespect or make u feel like shit
and you rewarded my loyalty and affection with..neglegence
you make me feel ugly. and stupid. unfunny. insignificant
thats the last thing i need.
to build myself up only for you to tear me down.
you never compliment me.
the only reason in this world i would ever need a guy is to make me feel better than i do by myself.
definitely not worse.
all i freaking wanted from you was a text a day. to know how your day was. to feel like you thought about me. period. thats it.
the occasional skype.
we were supposed to be "getting to know eachother better" remember?
were supposed to get closer not further apart
i promise i never thought the distance would tear us apart
rip us to shreds
but it wasnt the distance
it was you
all it did was expose the fact that you never had any feelings for me at all
and it burns a hole in my soul.
that you freaking lied all this time
my friend made a good point in response to me saying i wasted time
by asking what i couldve been doing
we had good times
i just regret the pain that followed because it was uneccessary
all the fuck u had to do was let me know
we wouldnt have to be beefing
couldve been friends
now i have to avoid u like the plague
ugh checkin my phone everday to see if uve noticed my absence yet
youre not the type to chase. too much pride to beg.
you always just let me go
youre completely oblivious to my feelings
and you told me you cared
but you dont
youll shrug and say good riddance
come back way too late tlakin bout u wanna be friends
nigga no.
because you destroyed me. you disrespected me
and just.. hurt me too much
threw me away like some stupid junk you might come back for later
well im not gunna be here
its gunna suck
everyday sucks knowing that this happened
i wanna forget cause i wish it wasnt true
you couldve fixed it idiot
shouldve been on your best behavior
shouldve made me top priority just for a little while
we couldve seen eachother
we couldve been on skype this whole time "getting to know eachother"
that wouldve been enough for me
now im just sitting here listening to "sooner than later"
i wish you felt like this
it would be amazing things used to
"when the lights dont glow the same way that they used to, and i finally get a moment to myself, i will realize you were everything im missing. and youll tell me youre in love with someone else"
i wish it bothered him. tore his ass up.
like damn, i really effed up a good thing
doing that, makin a mistake that makes someone leave you can really change youre mindset
that shit can make you idolize someone you didnt even know was there
but me, idk. me leaving like..never does that to anyone.
shrug. they treat me like a burden im sick of it
ill be okay. i just..dont want this to be reality
i know what i think or feel has no effect on what is true
ill have to learn that eventually
sigh. i guess i can still say it
ill sleep like crap anyway
i wish...that what im doing...going away would make him miserable
that he would hate himself
and realize like he could use a girl like me
that he not fitna find nobody that puts up with his crap like me
that i dedicated so much time & energy to him
that i was sweet to him
that im finer than pretty much any other girl he knows
like..finally see the good in me
and FINALLY miss me
and realize like as much fun as hes having right now, when it ends he does gotta go back to school
and im gunna be there
and he wont even be able to see me
that it would make him flashback
to holding me. kissing me. laughing with me.
just us being together
all of a sudden realizing i wanted to be his gf.
that he hasnt had a gf the entire time hes been in college & if he was going to have one it would be me
that he is capable of giving me what i want
that he ahd his fun and hes ready to settle down with me
that he would just go crazy like OMG WHY WONT SHE TALK TO ME
WHAT DID I DO
that he would just not be the same
hes never thought about me. always been able to focus and just be where he is
not worried bout nothin
always knew id be there and if i wasnt he could just tell me some bs and make me stay
that he would realize when he gets back to his room my side of the bed is empty. every night always empty
that he has no clue what im doin
and i could be talkin to someone else
and it kills him to see that im doing just fine
smilin and laughing and going on with life not missing him at all
when there was a time when he was the center of my world
when all he had to do was text me and id be there
hell see his roomie and his girl together and remmeber when that used to be us
hell be in the mood one night and remember how it was when i was there
and just realize anything he needed he had me
that like after the club he couldnt be with me anymore
that he has no one to take his mind off school
and if he even looks at another girl he thinks of me
and it just makes him feel like evn more of a screw up
that HE'LL go through the five stages of loss
first anger like just mad. then denial like theres no way shes really gone. beg me like michelle its not that bad please let me fix it just talk to me and thats the bargaining too. swearing up and down to himself that he wouldnt mess up again. that if i ever just give him one more chance hell be perfect
then just realizing im gone and bein upset
gloomy and mopy and not wanna tlak to no other girls.
then finally accepting it. a long time from now. long after my ghost has haunted him and he has wasted months of his life being sad over me.
but you know what. thats not him. thats somebody that really likes me. someone who gave their heart to me too
somebody that considered me their girl. that valued me
and was just having a lapse of judgement
someone i had really gotten under their skin
someone that missed me
that was capable of emotions of any kind
but hes not. you know what happens with boys like him insteaD? the exact opposite.
me going away will make him feel free.
he could never hate himself. because he doesnt blame himself.
he doesnt need a girl like me.
and he can have any girl that doesnt trip like i do
that i was doing the most & he doesnt need all that. too serious
he wont remember how sweet i was.
he likes thick girls. he doesnt even think im that pretty. just regular
he doesnt see the good in me at all and he never will.
he aint fitna miss me. hes fitna have the time of his life being free with his boys and doing whatever else he wants without me up under him.
before he goes back to school. he wont think about the fact thatim gunna be there
and he wont even be able to see me. he wont wanna see me. not seeing me will only help him forget me more.
boys dont have flashbacks.
im the only one who thinks about him holding me. kissing me. laughing with me.
just us being together. after it was over, he forgot.
he wont realize i wanted to be his gf. and if he does what he wil realize is that he doesnt want a gf especially not me.
he hasnt had a gf the entire time in college for a reason. hes tryna enjoy his self anf be free not married so soon he doesnt need the hastle.
he doesnt care or analyze enough to even think about this but he IS not capable of giving me what i need. to him, i need too much. im unreasonable.
he HASNT had his fun and he ISNT ready to settle down with me.
when i dont respond hes gunna say fuck it. hes not fitna trip over no girl. he'll just be like damn she ALWAYS trippin. good riddance i dont need the drama and say shit if she dont wanna talk to me cool cant say i didnt try (even tho he didnt)
hes never thought about me. always been able to focus and just be where he is
not worried bout nothin
he didnt notice that id be there
he dont think of it as my side of the bed. he is going to be comfortable with the whole bed to himself. he probably wont even see me. and if he does hes not the jealous type. he dont give a damn what im doin or who im talking to even if its a boy.
his roomie is not fitna bother him. hes used to it.
after the club he can go home with whoever he wants and not worry bout me. dance all over other girls. flirt with everyone he sees get all kinds of numbers make "new friends" and just have a bachelor lifestyle
he can hoop to take his mind off school hes fitna be too busy studying to ever be with me. and he doesnt think like me. hes not tryna have me there but the funny thing is he always be with everybody else when hes studying takin pics& shit wtf.
and he looks at girls NOW and dont think of me. scummy ass.
he aint fitna go thru no stages he bout to go straight to acceptance with no remorse or regret and say YES! with a fist pump and immediately talk to someone else
and if i dont get over him right the fuck now im going to get hurt MORE.
im ignoring his last text. idiot.
i just gotta keep reminding myself who im dealing with.
and know he is not going to be my prince
or ever be anything but a mistake.
07 i partied w/ ashley. okay that was a good one.
08 i dont even remember
09 i was at mercury room. alone. waiting for the same boy. while he was with her.
for the most part i cry myself to sleep every new years eve. but i bring it on myself. always gettin my hopes up, makin the whole night about some boy that is only worried about himself.
this time it was about um. the most current "him".
my how things change. closer to the break starting, we had already started to fall apart. he just started neglecting me. he made so many excuses. swore hed change.
but the last night we were together wasnt the same and i was ready to leave.
he was so mean. bringin up old shit & talkin down to me.
allowing me to be in his presence but it was clear he wasnt cherishing every moment like i was.
i could see him fading away.
all i had to go by after that was "like"s on my fb pics & all the statuses were baout him.
holding onto the out of focus image of us having this..secret idk connection. holding onto that for dear life. romanticizing as usual. when in reality, he hasnt texted me first (until just now) since freaking..the first week we got out & that was the week he started making random conversation and not finishing it.
from then on i had to text him. wed go days without taliing & he never finished a conversation. takes hours to respond. when i went to mississippi we went 5 days without talking. he didnt even notice.
it just got worse & worse.
then a tried to b patient, give it time.
but when we did talk he was rude & unattentive. & i seen that he was tlaking to other ppl, just not me. i was convinced he was talking to someone else & that i needed to provoke him to cut me loose.
so i did. i asked him to just tell me he didnt wanna tlak to me anymore & he played dumb then when i told him my concerns (how we dont talk at all & when we do talk he acts like im bothering him & how he promised wed skype every other day and we never ever have). and he told me he just been caught up with work and hangin with his boys but hed make time to hit me up. said he was sorry for neglecting me. so im thinkin were good. yay were still talking, as usual told me what i wanted to hear.
but he didnt change.
had to find out on fb he was coming over here for nye..for a party.
i told em i had a surprise for him so text me if he came cause he said he was staying in his apt. i went & got lingerie & flavored oil & flavored body glitter. i was gunna light candles & just..it woulda been the perfect way to spend new years.
but when he finally did get to the club..it was just..the same ish.
same ratchett girl came right up in the middle of our convo & was all in his ear for ten minutes. he made all these excuses. whatever,
i tried to talk to him about everything & how hes been acting..
but he just..seemed to just b bothered by me. then he said he just wanted to have fun..
that really hurt. i was done at that point. i left at 130. and he didnt come after me. didnt text me til 4am. cried myself to sleep by 2.
the real reason i was crying was because..i could see him changing. all of a sudden my dreams turned to dust & i could see that he wasnt who i thought he was. he wasnt sweet. he wasnt treating me good. i was doing everything and he literally contributed absolutely nothing to my life but pain. & i knew that i was gunna have to let him go, and hed fight me, and id have to tell him no.
i couldnt take it. so i did it the next day.
he responded like 8 hrs later & said he didnt have a good time cause i was mad at him & that he didnt know what he had to do to prove to me that he cares.
so i told him, poured my heart out. no response.
the next day i told him..like, i dont wanna get over u why dont u stop me. if u were so affected by me leaving why didnt u come after me. no response. just a rude comment about my fb status.
like, hes not who i thought he was. he withdrew all his input 3 weeks ago, i been draggin it out. i cry every night. every single night. my heart is so broken because i really really really believed in him. i defended him so much,
ugh its always the same story,
i gave everything. waited patiently to no avail. just to take the backburner to everything in the world.
hes a sophmore hes immature i know the last thing hes worried bout is a girl
but he knew i was falling for him & he knew i was tryna cuff
he let me
i gave him so many chances to just be honest. we couldve been friends
and now its like a slow tear in my heart.
that he just lied.
i deleted him off facebook, skype, and oovoo. it may seem brash but he trapped me
took away my voice by ignoring me, forcing me to hold everything in
took me for granted and just..made me invisible
so much time energy and effort wasted
FRIENDS dont even treat eachother that bad
i guarentee he talks to other ppl throughout the night or day
why not me
hadnt i done enough to at least earn his respect
as usual. young ass boys cant appreciate a good girl who likes them for them
and is really down for them
and it just hurt. i thought he was different. thought he was the one
i wanted to be involved in his life
i wanted us to be best friends.
finally thought i wouldnt have to spend all the holidays alone but i did
and he doesnt see a problem
feels no remorse. like nothings wrong.
he hasnt even NOTICED i deleted him
he takes neglegence to a whole new level
i know the only way i can get over him is to cut him off completely so i can finally stop thinking about him and hoping
i keep tryna tell my stupid heart like
hes not gunna come after you. hes just like the rest let it go.
and put out this stupid ember of hope that is literally burning in the snow.
theres is no spiritual connection were not soulmates
he just needed entertainment for a period of time and now hes bored with me.
there was only one time that i actually felt him ..having the passion that i do
one time i could feel desperation through a text
i cant remember what made me stay.
cause he told me what i wanted to hear to make me shut up
those stupid lying arms
who knows he probably does the same ish with everyone
i hate it so much
i trusted you. i believed in you with all my heart even though you gave me no reason to
i never left you in the dark and you kne how i felt
and you let me jump off the cliff knowing you wouldnt be there to catch me
how could you let this happen to us? we had every opportunity
we had the path laid out for us we had GODS blessing
but even He cant make you feel when you are incapable.
you have no heart.
every night i barely sleep. just cry and cry and it feels like itll never end
i cry in the bathroom at work
and just wish over and over that is wasnt true
but its not the same
im not giving him his "surprise" anymore.
you know whats gunna happen?
hes gunna let me go. he never wanted me to stay. he just didnt wanna "hurt my feelings" well he did. very very badly. i dont even wanna talk to him now
not to the slightest
i almost feel like i shouldve just waited around for his friend cause hes a whole lote nicer to me and he tweets me like all the time.
but this one, threw me under the bus. i chose him. but he didnt choose me.
he cut through me with silence. anything to shut me up.
so im giving him what he wanted
silence
and he cant make me talk
even if it kills me it cant be worse than this and i cant keep blaming myself
for someone that literally cannot feel
what could i have done
hes disrespectful and unappreciative and selfish
and blind as a bat he looks right through me
im a good girl damnit. im pretty. im popular. im sweet im smart & im fun to be around. and i wouldve given him any and everything in this world it was in my power to give. he has my heart. for now.
i hate to say it but he does.
but ill lie to myself and everyone until i and they believe that he doesnnt
and i wont let him think he does either
i cant make him feel bad. i know he wont
the only reason hes gunna be bothered is because he knows hes wrong.
not even that. because he thinks hes such a good guy
and the way i feel about him now conflicts with the image he has of himself
so what. you want me to say i forgive you? you want me to say im not mad.
okay.
but youre not my friend.
you hurt me.
everything i put up with. everything we made it through. you talking to other girls. all the trust issues. you finally getting me to warm up and let you in.
then you just gave up. quit.
went on about your life. why. i will always always wonder that.
why did u lie. why did u feign interest why did u pretend to care.
i shouldve known better than to think you would gal me.
you must do this to every girl
i promise i thought you were what ive been waiting for
we couldve been a match made in heaven but i cant make you see me
what hurts the absolute most is to know that my presence doesnt make me happy.
you dont want my company.
your day is not afflicted by my absence.
and if im honest with myself i know you will be happier without me
i mean look at you. you been having the time of your freaking life. just working and chillin with your friends. forgetting i exist
i know youll continue
i just hope God helps me forget about you too so i can be happy too
i dont deserve this. i never did anything to disrespect or make u feel like shit
and you rewarded my loyalty and affection with..neglegence
you make me feel ugly. and stupid. unfunny. insignificant
thats the last thing i need.
to build myself up only for you to tear me down.
you never compliment me.
the only reason in this world i would ever need a guy is to make me feel better than i do by myself.
definitely not worse.
all i freaking wanted from you was a text a day. to know how your day was. to feel like you thought about me. period. thats it.
the occasional skype.
we were supposed to be "getting to know eachother better" remember?
were supposed to get closer not further apart
i promise i never thought the distance would tear us apart
rip us to shreds
but it wasnt the distance
it was you
all it did was expose the fact that you never had any feelings for me at all
and it burns a hole in my soul.
that you freaking lied all this time
my friend made a good point in response to me saying i wasted time
by asking what i couldve been doing
we had good times
i just regret the pain that followed because it was uneccessary
all the fuck u had to do was let me know
we wouldnt have to be beefing
couldve been friends
now i have to avoid u like the plague
ugh checkin my phone everday to see if uve noticed my absence yet
youre not the type to chase. too much pride to beg.
you always just let me go
youre completely oblivious to my feelings
and you told me you cared
but you dont
youll shrug and say good riddance
come back way too late tlakin bout u wanna be friends
nigga no.
because you destroyed me. you disrespected me
and just.. hurt me too much
threw me away like some stupid junk you might come back for later
well im not gunna be here
its gunna suck
everyday sucks knowing that this happened
i wanna forget cause i wish it wasnt true
you couldve fixed it idiot
shouldve been on your best behavior
shouldve made me top priority just for a little while
we couldve seen eachother
we couldve been on skype this whole time "getting to know eachother"
that wouldve been enough for me
now im just sitting here listening to "sooner than later"
i wish you felt like this
it would be amazing things used to
"when the lights dont glow the same way that they used to, and i finally get a moment to myself, i will realize you were everything im missing. and youll tell me youre in love with someone else"
i wish it bothered him. tore his ass up.
like damn, i really effed up a good thing
doing that, makin a mistake that makes someone leave you can really change youre mindset
that shit can make you idolize someone you didnt even know was there
but me, idk. me leaving like..never does that to anyone.
shrug. they treat me like a burden im sick of it
ill be okay. i just..dont want this to be reality
i know what i think or feel has no effect on what is true
ill have to learn that eventually
sigh. i guess i can still say it
ill sleep like crap anyway
i wish...that what im doing...going away would make him miserable
that he would hate himself
and realize like he could use a girl like me
that he not fitna find nobody that puts up with his crap like me
that i dedicated so much time & energy to him
that i was sweet to him
that im finer than pretty much any other girl he knows
like..finally see the good in me
and FINALLY miss me
and realize like as much fun as hes having right now, when it ends he does gotta go back to school
and im gunna be there
and he wont even be able to see me
that it would make him flashback
to holding me. kissing me. laughing with me.
just us being together
all of a sudden realizing i wanted to be his gf.
that he hasnt had a gf the entire time hes been in college & if he was going to have one it would be me
that he is capable of giving me what i want
that he ahd his fun and hes ready to settle down with me
that he would just go crazy like OMG WHY WONT SHE TALK TO ME
WHAT DID I DO
that he would just not be the same
hes never thought about me. always been able to focus and just be where he is
not worried bout nothin
always knew id be there and if i wasnt he could just tell me some bs and make me stay
that he would realize when he gets back to his room my side of the bed is empty. every night always empty
that he has no clue what im doin
and i could be talkin to someone else
and it kills him to see that im doing just fine
smilin and laughing and going on with life not missing him at all
when there was a time when he was the center of my world
when all he had to do was text me and id be there
hell see his roomie and his girl together and remmeber when that used to be us
hell be in the mood one night and remember how it was when i was there
and just realize anything he needed he had me
that like after the club he couldnt be with me anymore
that he has no one to take his mind off school
and if he even looks at another girl he thinks of me
and it just makes him feel like evn more of a screw up
that HE'LL go through the five stages of loss
first anger like just mad. then denial like theres no way shes really gone. beg me like michelle its not that bad please let me fix it just talk to me and thats the bargaining too. swearing up and down to himself that he wouldnt mess up again. that if i ever just give him one more chance hell be perfect
then just realizing im gone and bein upset
gloomy and mopy and not wanna tlak to no other girls.
then finally accepting it. a long time from now. long after my ghost has haunted him and he has wasted months of his life being sad over me.
but you know what. thats not him. thats somebody that really likes me. someone who gave their heart to me too
somebody that considered me their girl. that valued me
and was just having a lapse of judgement
someone i had really gotten under their skin
someone that missed me
that was capable of emotions of any kind
but hes not. you know what happens with boys like him insteaD? the exact opposite.
me going away will make him feel free.
he could never hate himself. because he doesnt blame himself.
he doesnt need a girl like me.
and he can have any girl that doesnt trip like i do
that i was doing the most & he doesnt need all that. too serious
he wont remember how sweet i was.
he likes thick girls. he doesnt even think im that pretty. just regular
he doesnt see the good in me at all and he never will.
he aint fitna miss me. hes fitna have the time of his life being free with his boys and doing whatever else he wants without me up under him.
before he goes back to school. he wont think about the fact thatim gunna be there
and he wont even be able to see me. he wont wanna see me. not seeing me will only help him forget me more.
boys dont have flashbacks.
im the only one who thinks about him holding me. kissing me. laughing with me.
just us being together. after it was over, he forgot.
he wont realize i wanted to be his gf. and if he does what he wil realize is that he doesnt want a gf especially not me.
he hasnt had a gf the entire time in college for a reason. hes tryna enjoy his self anf be free not married so soon he doesnt need the hastle.
he doesnt care or analyze enough to even think about this but he IS not capable of giving me what i need. to him, i need too much. im unreasonable.
he HASNT had his fun and he ISNT ready to settle down with me.
when i dont respond hes gunna say fuck it. hes not fitna trip over no girl. he'll just be like damn she ALWAYS trippin. good riddance i dont need the drama and say shit if she dont wanna talk to me cool cant say i didnt try (even tho he didnt)
hes never thought about me. always been able to focus and just be where he is
not worried bout nothin
he didnt notice that id be there
he dont think of it as my side of the bed. he is going to be comfortable with the whole bed to himself. he probably wont even see me. and if he does hes not the jealous type. he dont give a damn what im doin or who im talking to even if its a boy.
his roomie is not fitna bother him. hes used to it.
after the club he can go home with whoever he wants and not worry bout me. dance all over other girls. flirt with everyone he sees get all kinds of numbers make "new friends" and just have a bachelor lifestyle
he can hoop to take his mind off school hes fitna be too busy studying to ever be with me. and he doesnt think like me. hes not tryna have me there but the funny thing is he always be with everybody else when hes studying takin pics& shit wtf.
and he looks at girls NOW and dont think of me. scummy ass.
he aint fitna go thru no stages he bout to go straight to acceptance with no remorse or regret and say YES! with a fist pump and immediately talk to someone else
and if i dont get over him right the fuck now im going to get hurt MORE.
im ignoring his last text. idiot.
i just gotta keep reminding myself who im dealing with.
and know he is not going to be my prince
or ever be anything but a mistake.
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