a whole new world

man ive come so far since the last post.
things really improved.
idk..one last fallout & i told the most recent asshole to go away.
couldnt do it
whoever i thought he was in the beginning
was just the introductory package you seem to get with everyone
before all the baggage & the non-benefits start to show.
fraudulent charges & whatnot,
anyway. yea hes a retard.
but yea i actually dipped back into the demon pot as well
no idea why. i think its because deep down i know im not wrong aboutt here being good in him. or the factt that someones gunna be lucky to have him
the way he sees me is warped tho
& he just doesnt like me
i mean i could defend or forgive anything he did if he felt how i wanted him to feel about me but im not that girl for him
so i dropped off the face for both those circles.
lost my job like..feb somthing. early feb.
that was the last time i seen him. or spoke to em.
cause he is just...warped.
anyway & the other one, yea anyway.
so i just been solo focused on school & working out
ive lost 7 pounds :) definitely at my best off season weight now.
exactly 8 weeks out tomorrow ill weigh myself in the morning its been a rough week im prrrraaaaayyyyying for 130.
but yea anyway. saw the Adjustment Bureau yday & it got me in this romantic mood i havent been in in forever
&...well remember back before i met The Fallen.
i prayed for a companion and i suspected that it might be this "friend" i had
but then got distracted by the Fallen.
ever since then its been back & forth with me & this person
trust issues that seem to never go away
hes a freaking gemini & hes all over the place & i feel like i cant rely on him
NOT to disappoint me
& i just feel like hes gunna break my heart even tho before he said he wouldnt
idk. i just wish i was the one hed think of
i thought i was
we got to the point we were seeing e/o so often. i miss that
& the other night when he came over
well for a long time i feel like i could only see him as a friend
there was more there. we get jealous of eachother
but like..i just couldnt see it going further bc i didnt know if i was physically attracted to him & we just cant seem to get on the right page
but like he came over on my bday & like..
it was like a whole new person.
NO that didnt happen lol but hes lowkey beasty & we actually do have good physical chemistry & now that that hole is filled in i am like.i havent stopped thinkign about em
& that movie was so romantic. out of all the ppl i talk to i thought of him & i wanted him to come over so bad last night but of course he wouldnt. boo.
its never when i want. only when they want,
got damn whats it take to get a reliable dude around here.
sheesh.
but yea...im trying not to talk to him. because im just tired of his bs & its not necessary for me to have that weakness in an undesirable area right now
because im doing well for myself..
& if i choose to focus and not chase..
then i will go far
& yes ill still be alone but ill have a life for myself
& my methods have not worked so far.
i seen on his twitter that hes goiung to the carnival tomorrow & im irritated that he never invites me anywhere.
like..i guess he just doesnt see us how i see us so its really like..
im calling it a code black.
i think this is drama & hatred waiting to happen because im positive hes that guy that will destroy me.
...so i need to try my best not to think about it & get self reabsorbed.
yea..there r others,
ive got some "suitors" right now. but no one id consider but him.
since he is a code black
i suppose i am still...superduper single. woop lol but im ok