dirty ass door mat

havent written a positive one of these in forever
its been a while since i felt any peace
truly
im so all over the place
but the one thing i hate about that
the one thing i hate so much about having a wound
is that people can smell it & they freaking feed on it
its like i cant go outside in a bad mood because every damn thing will go wrong & people just pounce on me
im sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of being disrespected
its time to grow up
the baby [ersonality was fun its time to stop
completely
i have to just pretend to be..idk,
i need to be a grownup
to get some damn respect
& i need to work on myself
a lot
i need to drop out of everything besides school work & working out
ESPECIALLY MODELING
until i am healed
because obviously im hurting
ive been trying to find some validation to help me
but i never get it
people smell my uncertainty and its rejection
i can feel it all the damn time
people offering me advice when all i want is to feel like nothings wrong with me
so i gotta work on it
i wish i could go away & do it
but i cant
i will be surrounded by stressors as i try to recover from whatevers hurting me
really i just gotta build my self esteem up again
i guess i just gotta pretend to be confident til then
because people beliueve whatever you act like you believe
the number one reason why i hate personality so much right now is because i never shut up
amnd i feel like im annoying
everyone around me knows everything about me and i feel exposed
i cant shut my mouth im always sharing my opionions and my experiences and dying for attention and i want to be quiet
im just gunna have to deal with people asking me why im so quiet
or i can tell them
no i dont have to tell them
though theres some people i think should know that i feel this way
whatever
i dont wqant anyone in this world to know anything about me anymore because the only person who doesnt offer advice (judgement) is God
i just wanna feel secure like i know what im doing
not knowing what i wanna be is killing me but whatever i guess ill just try to focus on school
which is so hard
my mind is everywhere
but this is the only constant thing i have
& a degree will get me some respect
i just am scared that i cant do the careers this is leading me to
or that if i can i wont be happy with them
like..
idk i just feel like i cant trust anyone to just listen to me and no one wants to cause i talk so much but damn ya know
ineeed someone to talk to
God please hold my hand
make me feel like im not alone in this world and let me tell ym secrets to you
i cant even talk to my damn boyfriend
i dont know if i have veer been this confused in my life
sometimes seriously & God forgive me
but i wonder what the point of life is
even the fun times arent that fun
im basically empty
& the thing i love most about myself im having to change like..
i have to lock it up & put it in a box & its so hard because i feel so disrespected and like everyone is just...so judgemental & no one sees the good in me or takes me seriously
so i have to like paint my face & try to act professional
maybe im just having trouble adjusting
but now i even feel like this new job wont even make me happy i feel like i made a bad impression on the area director and now they wont promote me either. i just hope i can like..get idk..idk God,.
im just no good with people and theres so many
im so unstable i know i just need to focus on that
i think i just feel SO vulnurable and exposed
and a period of silence is needed for me to regain control over myself and my life
i know..i want YOU to have control
i just like to feel like people do not have the control
i dont want anyone to know anything about me
when people ask me how im doing i need to just say good period
& just shutup
& if they ask me like wah wah why are you quiet
BECAUSE WHEN I SPEAK MOTHERFUCKERS THINK I TALK TO FUCKING MUCH IM NOT A DAMN CLOWN FOR EVERYONES ENTERTAINMENT I JUST WANNA BE QUIET & LEFT ALONE!
please help me get rid of this anger. and find some sort of peace
im really like...wounded.
burned from the inside
i need you to help me avoid irritation as much as possible and the best way to do this is to just..not speak.
i just...i feel like theres so much to do,
and i dont enjoy any of it
work. school.
working out.
for what? for nothing.
i cant stop crying. i just wanna feel better
i feel like a hurt in my heart
i try to hide it
though i barely can
i want it to go away
so bad
so i can stop being like a mean irritable person
and stop getting my feelings hurt every day
and being everyones doormat
i wanna respectg myself
and believe in myself
that whatever i decide to do i can do it
that everythings gunna be oj
that im not gunna be like broke & jobless and unhappy
that im not just gunna fail...
how am i gunna graduate? and then what?
by some miracle i graduate....what happens then?
im just surrounded by doubt. its like...i need so badly to be surrounded with some positivity.
i cant find any anywhere i just have to be quiet
help me calm down please so i can study God.
im crying over people who dont even know theyve hurt me
but they really have
really really bad
so many Nos ya know,
so many Nos
or so many..you need to this you need to that
nobodys ok with me how i am
i just feel really terrible
like..i cant do anything i dont know anything i cant stick with anything
and now im scared
sometimes God i really do wonder why you put me here
i used to KNOW it was to make some big difference
but now like..i dont have the temperament or the patience
or anything..i really dont know why.
i guess We'll find out.
i miss the old confident me
but really, theres always been something wrong
as much as i want to eraseeveryones memory i cant
please help me forgive myself for all the bad impressions
help me help myself help me do my best
help me find a reason to live
help me find peace and just...BE. please.
help me.
help me
help me
please
i really need your help.