at a good place mentally- just feelin weird right now

I feel slightly better. Anyway today was a good day. Yday wasnt bad. Had a retarded first date and this is my last from online dating smh. really? this mofo looked hot as hell online i shouldve known it wasnt the case from the sound of his voice. the chicago accent was bad but he sounded like a little boy and the clickage just wasnt there. he seemed SO cool and awesome online. but he shows up and hes skinny and very awkward the hug sucked. and he smells like fucking cheap ass corner store cologne. i find out he comes down here living with his sister so is basically a bum and h9is "oil rig" job is like manual labor and mantanance. so yea big misrepresentation. weird. i went against the red flags and now i feel weird cause he knows where i live. will not be making these same mistakes again. but..idk i havent found anyone that way so im quitting. im bout to hop into this fitness industry real quick so im hoping that if i stay single i'll meet some hot male fitness model. that would make more sense lol i already have a huge crush on bradley martyns fine ass. i just wanna be the baddest bitch around i want to turn HEADS and be like dammmnn WHO IS THAT. thats my goal for the texas states. i want to place. but my main goal is to just blow people away and for them to be like wooowww who was that?! i want to have ALL the swag and look like a freaking super model. i want all the brands to be on my dick like ARE YOU SPONSORED. i want to turn heads when i walk by. the pros will be there but i wont get to have much contact with them and i dont think theyll get to see me. but one day. i want to start going to all the big shows. the arnold, the olympia. maybe ill try to compete at the arnold. idk but i want to travel and meet people and go to parties and be a big name. i dont realy care to be a part of anyones click but i want to be a bad bitch. let me see how i can do 0on my own and if i need help which i most likely will ill use kim oddo. but yea my goal is just to freaking kill it this show. makeup for all the damn bullshitting ive done but mostly to have fun. to feel sexy and hot and strut my SHIT. if i don't win and i just look in the mirror and 100% satisfied with what i see then thats all good. im not going to google who im competing against or be a bitch or assume im the best one cause i probably wont be. i want to be the best me though. i want to look freaking amazing so i have to PAY ATTENTION to my changes and go hard every day. did well last week gotta do it again. wow this is not what i came to write abo0ut but hey thats fine lol anyway, yea i really want to have an amazing ass. everything else is just a matter of leaning out. i gotta stay on track every week. everyday. i had my cheat meal from macdonalds and was able to get back on track today. had a good workout even though i felt weird. did my cardio after my workout because i took forever to get up today lol my meal # 2 was at effing 8 o clock. good news my ferocious yeast infection is finally effing going away. those antibiotics were horrible. anyway yea but yea i gotta round out my glutes. calves will help but if my thighs shrink my calves will look fine.as far as building im mostly focusing on my but and ham strings. i need my backside to be lean and tight and rounded. looking forward to the off season but right now im just excited to wear my pretty hot pink sparkly suit and get all dolled up and pretty and compete! its so nice to have something to look forward to. but i do feel pretty good msot the time. i didnt even notice but i finally dont feel weird everyday waking up in my apartment. i feel right at home. i look forward to coming home and being alone. im enjoying my workouts. i like my job a lot. i feel comfortable with everything in my life right now and im more confident than ive ever been. for once i dont feel like i should be chasing anyone. im happy with myself. i met a man, my previous boss before i got promoted, and he really made me who i am. he made me stronger and more confident and because of him i now think highly of myself and i stand up for myself and im not afraid to be a bitch which i freaking love. everyone at my job aside from one person is scared of me. i love it. he has done a lot of wrong towards m e but ive never met anyone who loved me that much. and like valued me that much and just thought i was perfect at my best and worst. he has a small penis. and a daughter and is in the military and cant be with me often enough and i feel like all these responsibilitees he has would hold me back. right now i want to be free to pursue the path and let God put me where he wants me to be thats whats most important to me and i cant imagine he would want me with him it doesnt feel right anymore. but everyone ive met so far, its too soon. i8 guess. last night i ended up texting him like i do after every date because i feel like..he wouldve beaten that guys ass for me. like..i just wanted him to make it all better to like touch my face and make me feel safe and warm. i want someone like him but better. someone big and strong that makes me feel safe and proud. hes the first guy who made ME feel special. i love him to death i just know we cant be together and i feel bad for jerking him around. i really want someone i can rely on. like if i call you to come over youre like im on my way. if i want to go somewhere youre like that sounds cool! if i like someone you like them if youre with me you wanna tell the world. someone who understands and appreciates social media. idk. i havent met my someone yet. cant imagine him but ill be happy when i do and shit just works out. anyway im ok. im tired now lol