the mask

I pride myself on being a very real person. i used to wear my heart on my sleeve. i really tried..for as long as i could...to keep my name out of the headlines here.
but it didnt work.
people really just think im this spoiled bitch who "gets" everything she wnts. who manipulates people into liking her so she can..what? that part idk.
why. why would i WANT everyone to know my name?
[i changed it by rhe way so they wouldnt]
why would i WANT everything i do and everyone i talk to to be a public spectacle.
why would i ever ask for that much pressure.
i tried to be ... like..blend in. i just cant.
its not what it looks like.
my life is fun. i wouldnt change a damn thing.
its fun having great jobs and getting whatever you want & to have ppl kissing your ass all the time..somtimes.
i like having lots of friends & always getting invited places & occasionally the attention from the boys is flattering.
but what they dont realize is that i can never breath out.
i can never unclinch my fists i can never truly just EXHALE.
i have to hold my breath all the time. people expect so fucking much from me.
its like a damn circus. now i know how britney feels.
i exaggerate NONE it is ridiculously to wakeup everyday with all this.
& how did i get here? why? i didnt know it was gunna b such a big deal
when i made those videos. when i threw that party. spring break. i didnt know.
ppl think i planned it. its like being snatched from a crowd, blindfolded, and dragged to the top of a mountain. than when you look down at the people below,
they hate you now. when they dont even know you.
like falling off that cliff, and landing on an eagle.
I AM SCARED OF HEIGHTS.
it is not easy or always fun to be born with a white hot spotlight on your face.
i like it..im getting used to it.
but tonight, i got mad. i tweeted some stuff & instantly i had like 4 mentions. & then i got a text reminding me that enemies want to see me unhappy. so i took them down. i cant even show weakness anymore. i have to always be strong.
the pressure could turn coal into a diamond.
im hoping thats whats happening to me. that ill shine brighter bc of all this pressure but fuck.
i cant talk to anyone.
they think youre full of yourself. you cant trust anyone. they all want you to slip even if just subconsciously. ive got two friends that i dont feel compete with me & neither one is the one i spend most time with. everyone else...just hungry sharks,
they wanna be around you but they dont know why.
yea theres somethin on my chest. there always is.
bhut i gotta hold my tongue gotta suck it all in. & just hope i dont pop. cause one slip & its daybreaking news. you gotta do damage control. i hate damage control.
i really hope..that soon i find a companion. someone who KNOWS wht im talking about. because as of now there is not one single person in my life who does.
that...really...sucks. they have NO idea what that feels like.
im just waiting to be able to breath out. im effing suffocating.