Transformation

Yall, I havent blogged in for effing ever. honestly, im pretty much a totally different person now lol
i feel liberated
no longer egoicly identified with any & everything
every day i wakeup & try to live in a way that reflects positively on God
&rejoice in all my blessings

i feel like i cant help them.
so i try to spread peace by BEING peace.
no complaints really. i try to not complain anymore. thats all ego.
im finally free from what afflicted me for 20 years.

the friend thing, i dont really obsess over it anymore. I have all I need, and Im willing to share, but I dont need to chase.

As for boys, no dips. No more random pursuits. No pursuits at all really. Im just trying to leave my heart open for the person God has for me which Im sure will be absolutely perfect for me. I know Ill be ready then. So i dont really think about it.

There is someone I have a small crush on. But thats all it is. & i think were 100% incompatible lol so i just let it go. Im not trippin.

& then.. there is someone, that I am attracted to in a strange way. LIke...MAGNETS. But not in a physical or lustful way. or in any way I couldve ever predicted. It's not like..when Im with this person im just like googoo gaga or anything. But when theyre gone, i notice. being with this person is like being with myself, minus the feeling of lacking that man will always have without woman, and vise versa. its just..out of this world if i were to drop a name. it would probably be scandalous just because its that random. & i, myself, am still baffled. I dont know if i like him. its a possibility. all i know is there was this one night at a party, & ever since then ive seen him in a different light. & im just glad hes in my life to be honest cause its super refreshing. & i like talking to him. right now, were just really close friends. i cant IMAGINE it going further than that. but it feels like one of those surprises.

im not afraid to say what other girls wont. im chillin and im taking care of business right now. I have no complaints, literally. & im not missing anything. But if I had one request from God it would be a companion. Just one. Friend, or a love interest, doesnt matter. My goal-oriented nature and resistance to gossip, illegal & controlled substances, and uneccessary energy spent on social escapades separates me from my peers. I dont mind being alone. But If i had one request, Id want someone to be alone WITH.but no more experimenting. im not even going to humor a useless, harmful relationship anymore. im officially lying in wait for God to send me my angel, which i know he will. AFter years of following Him I know hes leading me somewhere. im excited about that.

im excited about life.
i wanna share it with someone.


if i had a choice, of anyone i know right now, the one i mentioned earlier.. i wouldnt mind him.


peace. literally. i hope everyone finds it.