the lost girl

well.
i guess this is my journey "finding myself"
started reading the power of now
that book helps,
but i think i need to read it a l,ot more to remember it & actually become conscious when it counts
it seems i have a natural inclination to be upset instead
last week was horrible
it all came to a boiling point on saturday night
the day was just so effing slow
& id been having a bad week anyway
(i stayed..for an update from last time)
& i was watching this video girl on la ink
and i was like thaTs something i never want to be
& Garrisen was like
"its basically the same thing you do"
and that eventually turned into an argument
now that i think about it he made me not want to be a model anymore
lately ive been leaning more towards tattoo modeling
ive already got a couple girls im obsessed with
def need to stop doing that
i think i just really l;ike ppl who seem to know who they are
cause i dont
so i was going to get this abck tattoo
now ive taken in a design for a half sleeve! its awesome
bnefore i die ill probably have 2 full sleeves
i like the way it looks. always have loved tattoos
& im tired of not getting them
i showed my mom the blue jay and magnolias i was gunna get
that i spent all this time
on
and she was like "unsavory things like thug, and gold teeth that dont apply to you come to mind".
and i decided im sorry but im not getting any tattoos to memorialize a family that doesnt believe in color
i love em but ive always felt like an alien
i can never really be myself
one day i will be
around them
but for now. i just realize dim so sick of being invisible
no one ever cares about how i look
my talents
nothings ever good enough
& ya know what? I think it is
i posted a video of me singing SO GOOD on fb...and not one person watched it.
(i just reposted)
& i realized. ive been invisible all my life
SCREAMING FOR ATTENTION
people wont give it to me,
i only do stuff and go places so i can take pictures
i live my life vicariously thru who i think people will appreciate me being
never have they ever
aoppreciated that
i liked me better when i didnt care if anyone liked me or hated me
i was 100% fine to be all by myself
sick of being nice
i mean i basically am by myself other than garrisen and im fine
so why do i actlike i care
wanting people to like me
i need to effing ignore others and worry about me
stop tryna be famous & do what i wanna do
i want tattoos so im gunna get them
otherwise.
idk what i want
i know how i wanna look.idk if im willing to take the time to do it for me
but i might
i need more slef esteem
garrisen said something so true "you need to stop thinkling everyone is better than you cause theyre not" and hes right
so ive been drawing. trying to just...use my talents
idk what im gunna be when i groiw up and that scares the crap out of me but i can at least enjoy life right now celebrating myself
i need to just start doing that.
today he tried to.
anmd i didnt want to,.
and that caused an issue.
im going to try to chaNGE MY pill cause i never want to. and i think thats why
im sick of having to do crap i dont want to do it just feels like an interruption in my day so id rather just want to
i do enough crap i dont want to do
the only thing i can think of now that i do like to do
is watching scary movies
& training for triathlon
of all the sports i love swimming the most
im actually getting in pretty good shape. still have the belly & some underbooty that sometimes i think will never go zaway but if i keep training hard & eating well, it ought to eventually
id still LOVE to be an athlete. i could do that for fun just to enjoy competition
the other night i swam 1500m in 40 minutes! im getting so much better!
& i got on the bike after that & then ran 2.66 miles for the first time. awesome! i was so proud of myself i pushed through the shin splints and they went away and i didnt struggle that much. im getting a lot better!
i know evenetually thatll pay off so maybe i can emerse myself in that for now,
when i get my tats (which because of stupid boyfriends boyfriends graduation) i had to move to effing monday, i wont be able to swim for a while. ill keep swimming this week & then ill have to focus mostly on running & biking. im just hoping i actually get a bike for christmas and find somewhere to ride it.
idk i just wanna enjoy life again. i guess knowing what i wanted to do with my life was such a big part of me
i need to just feel secure that i am ok right now and am going to stay where im at.
& just enjoy what i can on the side without spending too much money.
and ill just keep praying for God to give me confidence and help me build up some self esteem and belief in myself
my faith has suffered the most out of evcerything.
but yea
so i just...want to learn more about myself and be fully that
so far ive learned that yea scary movies are my favorites and my creative interest is kind of dark
but im getting my tattoo to remind me that my creativity is beautiful and to never be afraid to show my colors.
& i can continue to decorate myself that way.
style-wise there are styles i like that i think I'd look good in. but the easiest style for me is like...graphic tees, skinny jeans, and sneakers, with hair accessories or something. hot topic type stuff. i dont feel as comfortable in the prissy stuff. i really miss my boots and i think its so wrong that randall freaking threw them off the datgum balcony. not cool at all.
i want them :(
but yes & i do like modeling
but more like...i wanna be like victorias secret model with tats
i dont have that body yet but its there
id have to be very lean
but yea
i like dark stuff. creative stuff. dominatrix type stuff
i need to rediscover my inner badass cause it was there,
i just didnt wanna be mean ya know
and being with his has not been good for my self esteem or my self-ness at all
but now im just gunna have to be me anyway no matter what anyone thinks or says i should be i dont care
i wanna be me
they can kiss it
i like black,
and a lot of rings
not so much bracelets
and fingernail polish
and big hair&
darkmakeup with light eyes
i like how my eyes look with dark makeup
i just wanna be comfortable
but now i know i do like to dance, etc.
& there is a fashionista in me for occasions of such
but for the most part,
im a rock-girl at heart
& my signature is the heart. there's got to be broken hearts everywhere.
thats just...my fascination
my style is a little risque and off but i like that & i dont want to change i just want to be me
i feel like i just heard a dog get killed..
no its okay good
anyway.
yea so...im ready to start exploring myself seeing what i like
i know my favorite band is three days grace
Neil Jou offered to shoot with me
after i get the tatts i want im down
maybe submit to some tat mags
but other than that im like..i had deactivated my fb
and i find thatg helps
i need to get away from people & closer to myself.
so yea so far all i know is the kind of music i like, & the colors & styles i like, a little bit of everything, how i like to look, i know what i believe is right & wrong. working on standing up for that. still gotta wear away this fluffy layer.
know i like hearts & emotion & still have something to say about depression.
i know i dont like to be pushed around or told what to do. i like tattoos and the color black and wierd hair. i also have a girly side. so so far im a mix
i know i like to train for triathlons. not big on weights anymore.
i love to run and bike and especially swim. that is just the funnest part of my life
other than that..im still finding myself out.
God please help me with this