the loselose situation

i basically feel like im in a relationship
that i know is gunna end
i dont wanna be alone again. i dont want to be miserable everyday with no one to rely on no mutual relationships and just..up & down trying to find something to entertain myself til i find a reason to wakeup
the only thing is this world that has ever filled the hole is a boyfriend
i dont want to be single
i just want someone who brings me up not down
who loves me and everything about me and doesnt just think i should be more like them
i really dont like who ive become and i dont feel appreciated
i dont believe he loves me anymore
he just wants to possess me.
he thinks he loves me. he really does
but hes disrespectful toward all women & i see it in his father too so i know it wont change
he makes promises but this weekend i saw that nothing has changed
he sees so issue with him being controlling
i hate it. i dont want to have to keep things from someone because they wont understand it
i want someone openminded
idk what i deserve idk how relationships are supposed to be but i know i dont wanna be his little bitch excuse my language
i don t wanna be like his step mom just..bossed around and talked down to
i dont really look forward to the thought of those being my in laws anyway
one of his aunts is so rude she makes fun of me and makes it look like a joke
im tired of those ppl.
maybe i need to date outside my race. shit or the other side of my race just so i can know that there are formalities and a freaking code of behavior in how you treat people
you are supposed to be NICE.
& i would justlike..a free spirit like me. or heck if theyre not fine but like someone that doesnt try to cage me in instead of them opening up
so i stay in this relationship that my heart is no longer in
because the break up is gunna be so bad and im just waiting for it to happen.
im gunna have to retake on all the financial reponsibilities live in an expensive apartment go back to being broke.
nothing to do on weekends being desparate for company yet trying to hide it. watching movies and reading books so i dont feel so alone.
having to listen to people talk about their relationships and try not to get depressed
goping back to basuically everyday trying not to be depressed
i feel like im no one when no one loves me
i just need to know that im loved by someone then everyone else is dealable withable
lately it just seems like people are so awful.
ive let too much show and my confidence has really dropped. im just praying i dont fall into a low.
i couldnt even workout today. i really dont like lifting weights anymore and there were too many ppl there i just didnt want to.
i want someone who wants me to be happy
who cares about the things i do and shares some interests besides the gym and doesnt act like every freaking thing i do is stupid
like what i wear is stupid (opposite from him)
what i listen to
the type of movies i like
the things i like to go out and do
the fact that i like to be social
being nervous about meeting ppls parents? i mean why doesnt he give a damn about my parents
hes like super self righteous judgemental and narcissistic.
i dont want another freaking ex and i have a feeling like..its just downhill.
i dont even want him to come home because its gunna be really hard for me to pretend to be happy to see him. i want to get away from him for a while.
idk what to do. God pleaseplease please pleaSe hear my prayer and guide me in the right direction. help me deal appropriately with all this anger and somehow just help m e get through this. i dont know what to do.