good for a while, then questionable again

at first, i actually thought it was him holding me back
but now im feeling crazy and im leaning on him again
all i wanna do is be with him
nothing else helps i just like feeling his warm skin and cuddling
and affection cause it makes me feel like i know something.
dropped all my nutrition classes today. decided to change my major to media production
which is crazy cuz thats what i switched from in the beginning
never thought id like being behind the scenes
and yes being a movie director would probably make me very jealous of the actresses but
i dont know how to pursue my dreams
i dont./ not anymore
so this is the closest i can get to it
i dont want to be a nutritionist. dont want to work in a hospital
im thinking maybe this way ill have a job with freedom to do what i want look what i want and enough money to be free
i wouldnt mind just working my way up the vitamin shoppe ladder honestly.
i like it there,
i just want a degree because and nutrition is hard and im tired of it right now
idk..maybe it was a mistake
its crazy cause i think a lot of this has to do with just me wanting to get a half sleeve tattoo. but then its like what if i get it and i dont want it
but my tattoos are the only thing about me that havent changed a;; this time its my only stability
i just reeally and truly have no freaking idea who i am anymore
and its driving me nuts
i guess now that i changed my major i ought to just try to enjoy life and not get fat
but i still dont like my body
still dont like my hair
i dont hate my body
just my stomach bothers me
and the fact that i have no idea what to eat or how to workout to lose weight and its super annoying.
anyway. im doing my hair tomorrow even though i think its kinda pointless i cant imagine what they could do with it i think its just gunna look bad & since i dont know what i wanna see in the morror..why
its like i cant see myself trying to be attractive
especially not without my hair
i was so stupid to cut it. really. that has been biting me in thew ass for a freaking year now. i feel like im not gunna like it til its long again. or damn at least a length i can deal with,
and this all natural stuff isnt working
i miss makeup but i feel like i look better without it or ill have to put on too much i dont even know anymore. i really dont.
im so confused about everything and i feel super unstable and its not good for my mind. like i feel like i dont even wanna move or do anything cause it has no point.
& the lady.
she...i need to let that go. for some reason its like i really need her approval i want her to do something to show me im not the most annoying person shes ever met and she doesnt hate me. i mean she always ignores my text. she hasnt sent me a picture in freaking almost 2 weeks (in two days itll have been two weeks) so why do i chase her? thats what i hate
i dont like it. i think this is horrible service and she couldve just been like more attentive and i think she sold me dreams and had my hopes up for nothing so why did i text her today actually asking her for advice shes not even gunna answer me i want that relationship to be over :( i wanted to be one of the girls that got to be her friend but i am just too young and i dont fit it and that damn photoshioot has like ryuined my life. i look at the pics and its like..i feel like shes gunna send me an email with all of them saying here were done ahve a nice life. i dont think i did anything wrong ya know? i didnt give her an attitude or anything. im so confused.
im gunna keep praying. & just try to be positive and i guess for once, and for the first time truly just live for today without it being some huge step toward the future. im not getting ready for anything im not trying to impress anyone.
im obviously not gunna do a show this year. even though i really do want to get in better shape and i did wanna be a fitness model
and why am i so jealous of my friend
shes beautiful and sweet and shes gunna do well
God help me like..purify myself from this healousy i knows its wrong
its usually not this horrible
i should be happy for her. i know she deserves it
i just see her making al these friends anf getting into the circle
im so tired of feeling so rejected
and it makes me really wanna rebel. i want to get a new tattoo. but that would change my life so drastically and basically make it so i could never be a fitness model. i want her to tell me like..
idk im trying to wait and make sure theres no hope before i forget about it completely but shes left me in the dark for so long. other people have their pics theres so many new ones. its just.. not cool.
i feel like i cant trust anyone and everyones judging me
all i wanted was to be loved
abnd i left myself open and as usual
just dumb.
idk. we'll see. i'll figure something out. i just wanted to be someone
like..that everyone loved
and just feel thst ya know?
to have fans and peiople that think highly of me
and be one of the people that i look up to,
thats it. but i cant do this
its mean
and nothings happening and no ones helpoing me and three years of my life has been a lie
all ive done is lost myself in this mess & i cant get out
God please. please help me get out.