sometimes i dont like myself

aside from all this supposed "potential" apparently only I know about...
sometimes i really just dont want to be me.
theres soooo many things i really dont like about myself & i really want to change those things before i have anything else to do with the world. so im going to list those things & my goal in life for the time being (always with staying fit & getting better on the side as well)
is to just...not hate these personality traits so much
and to be someone im rpoud of
and not pretend to be anyone or anything
so first the things id like to change about myself:
1)im scared of confrontation
2)i sabotage myself. EVERYTIME. i never do my best. just in case i mess up ppl wont think i really tried.
3)i always give into temptation. period
4)i kiss ass to people i think are socially "important" and i pretend to like people i dont like. i compliment people when i dont mean it & i go out of my way to seem like a nice person just so people will like me. and it NEVER works
5)i make up stories & lie habitually for attention
6)i pretend to like things i dont like. like sports. i dont like sports.
7)i procrastinate every chance i get- i dont trust myself
8)i spend too much money
9)*** i talk WAY too much, just to be heard, and dont LISTEN.
10)i talk about myself too much
11)i always compete with everyone else in my head & always underestimate my competition
12)i plan way too far ahead and spend money and time i dont have yet, always making plans im not ready for
13)im not thankful enough to God. i dont talk to Him as much as I used to and I am not as close to him as I used to be. I dont even read my bible anymore
14)im always getting addicted to something
15)i talk abotui something and make it sound so exciting but never do it
16)ive gottwen back into telling people about my problems instead of dealing with them myself

i think right now my soul is broken. & i need to deal with that before i do anything. i think I need to try to eat as clean as possible but let my first priority be just..keeping promises to myself.. and other people...just being a better human being because i have become so insincere.

who i pretend i am & try to hold onto:
-americas sweetheart-would never be mean to anyone
-tomboy..when i dont like sports...and i would b girly if i thoiught i could pull it off
-miss fitness - so fit and healthy
-miss super smart science nerd
-miss...doormat
-little kid

who i am (traits that actually are true)
-hate sports
-like girly stuff
-not always happy and bubbly. not always nice
-SO much left to learn....dont really like science and math...prefer art.
-performing girl-i really still want to be a famous singer. i just staqrted listening to everyone that i wasnt that talented and decided to be practical. but in my heart i would love to b in videos & movies & perform.
-i love food. i like to eat. i am so sick of counting everything and being so conscious of it all, i miss just living and having fun and i just wish i could have the discipline to get my body how i want it. i actually really want that. but fitness is now more obligation than any kind of enjoyment. i need to duck out of all of this because right now i do not like working out or eating healthy and i dont see myself helping anyone. i dont wanna be a trainer. i dont wanna finish school & do an internship..i dont like school. i wanna eb free & get paid for one of my talents cause im tired to death of sitting on them. i dont feel like working out. ever.
..but i really need new music on my phone that would help.


what would i do right now...if i could do whatever i wanted..
take an occasional class at school just cause..work like four days a week.
and spenmd time with garrisen. watch movies. eat. thats it. i just wanna read, watch movies, eat.
or do all the same stuff but on my time.
im so tired. & i feel like..im just gunna keep feeling overworked if i dont take something out. i cant stop working..i cant stop school...it seems like working out is the only other thing and the diet. it has stressed me out and depressed me for so long. isk how to free myself from this ugly beast.
but thats what i wanna do. just...i want my hair to be long again. i wanna feel cute and attractive and justwalk around feeling hot like i used to. taking a lot of pics and just..enjoying different stuff. do fun stuff every wknd and not have ti worry if its gunna be unfun because i cant eat what i want and spend my opnly spar etime working out pretty much to no avail because i cant diet. and if i dont diet i dont workout. i really wanna disappear for a little while and let the only people who see me be the people at work. i need help and I dont know what to ask for but all I know is when i need a break I need a break and i wanna escape something..this i can escape. no ones looking for me. im not important right now.
i dont wanna be jealous of my friend but it hurts my feelings so much for her to be like...everything i wanna be. friends with the people that wont talk to me,
just popular..and like..ive been fighting for that for too long. i need a change of pace. i need to be gone. ill come back but i just need to feel like some stuff is forgotten. idk what to do about eating maybe i do need to save my money & go to keith klein idk. i need to relax and clear my head my soul and my heart are not well right now & i need them to be so im just gunna relax. i dont wanna go to dave n busters. im not in the modd for like anything right niow & i dont know what to do. but at least no one is here so i can just be by myself. i think the issue all this time has been like.. a lack of God in ym life. i been so worried about bettering myself i havent been worried about being a good person and im really fake. im just not proud of it. i dont deservbe anything that i supposedly wanted. ive been wanting a way out. a way away from the woman who really...i let start all this. to pretend i dont know her or need anything from her im just gunna drop off the face i wanna just get away from the situation. and this has all really shown me that mnaybe for a hobby i can do this. working out just to stay fit and pursuing my own goals but trying to like travel here and there and become a big star im not tripping on right now because im too immature and unstable to handle it and its not important to me right now. it was jkust my temporary high. and i just..i dont like it. i dont wanna chase anyone or be so fake anymore. i wanna be me. im tired of all this. i wish the outside reflected the inside. it doesnt. right now. i miss my hair. idk. we'll see. im just gunna try to pray and calm down before the boy comes home. & probably tell him i dont wanna go to the party. this will ahve to be the last time i let someone down. but itd be me lying again. ugh. maybe my mood will change.