people still suck

lol well not all people. I did find out over my bday wknd that there are a good number of people in the world who legitimately care about me and think highly of me. i have some good ass friends. Boys, Im giving up the one I know loves me and cares about me on this giant leap of faith there is better. i truly believe there is. this is the best ive had but i know theres better cause i havent had that good lol so i made the "wrong turn" again. well not fully. once i re-recognized the road i was on i turned around and was given permission to do so. so now..idk. i like a boy. i think i like a boy. so far i like a boy. i want to get to know him and be closer to him but idk where the fuck his head is at AT ALL. we have good ass conversation and we think a lot a like in most ways. not all. he agrees with me 99% of the time. which means maybe he likes me? buuuttt i had the slightest suspicion that he might be another one thats just physically attracted to me. and i dont wanna go through that again ESPECIALLY since i just got out of a 2 yr relationship and so did he and there are two people whose toes would be stepped on, one more than the other, if we ended up ..doing anything. talking even and especially if it went further. which at this point i cant see it doing. part of me wants it to part of me just wants to find out cause i liked him first and he said it was bad timing but maybe it wasnt. maybe we werent meant to talk. idk cause hes confusing the F out of me. earlier today i was ready to give up cause i just cant read him. and then we started having a good ass convo with a nice flow but as usual i think i ruined it by going too far. i told him i was forward and aggressive and he said it was cool he prefers people to just be upfront. so i found a way to sneak in that i hate how boys dont like me they just want my vagina. i know. very VERY bold lol but what the fuck ever its true he said he wanted blunt he said let a nigga know so i gotchu now you know. THATS THAT SHIT I DONT LIKE lol but now its literally been 33 minutes no response. and we had a nice 2 minute apart flow going. so i guess...idk he doesnt know what to say. im like oh nooo nigga you bold. remember? you blunt. you said it. guess he aint talking bout it. idk what i expected him to say. i know this isnt the notebook things arent going to go my way real boys arent like that. not at this age and not him. but i expected him to say SOMETHING so the convo could continue but now hes doing it again. right when i think were getting somewhere he is just..dropping out. i keep checking my phone even though i know the sound is on and ill hear it if he says something. im like on wait mode until he does and the sad thing is he really might let me go to sleep without saying anything. like. if this is gunna go further i need to be able to talk to him about stuff we could at least be friends first. break the ice. say something. otherwise like if i have to constantly watch what i say and cant be myself then whats the point. you gotta accept me as i am. sad :( guess i was right. damnit. he is so cute. and idk i feel like we could have a lot of fun together. but in person no theres not like this huge amount of chemistry. but hell i havent been alone with the guy. shit whens his fuckin birthday let me learn some shit about that ...k first of all his facebook still says in a relationship. really. and secondly its officially been 42 minutes this motherfucker is making me mad! probably shouldnt have thrown that in there but hell i had to know. idk. probably just shouldnt have thrown that in there at all. i looked up..im a pisces and hes a scorpio. it says its a good match one of the best cause were both water signs. i looked up her and him leo and scorpio theyre opposite and both like..aggressive i guess so theyre a dangerous match but theres lots of passion. idk im over this i want to go to effing bed. i shouldve studied before this im going to have trouble focusing now and i wont study in the morning cause ill feel rushed. he was helping me stay away now its about to be an hour between texts. say something i know you saw it. do you just have nothing to say. well, if someone said something like that to me i would probably be extremely turned off. blah. gotta stop trying to rush things. hell or sabotage idk. what the flip. maybe just let him lead. idk i feel like i need to leave boys alone and just do my me thing. like avoid them like the plague go into my own little hermit only hang out with my girl friends and just if he texts me make nice conversation. which is going to be ridiculously hard because i like him. i want to talk to him. i think about him all the time i want him to text me and i want somehow for it to lead up to us hanging out. but i just feel like the odds are incredibly not in my favor like whats wrong with you why is he not courting me he must be retarded like brandon. i mean i know we talk everyday. idk. i wanna text hiom and be like omg talk to me im going to fall asleep. ok whatever. i did it. part of me like if i could go back..id have just stayed home on my bday. not told everyone about it including him. just chilled at home. id have saved so much money and energy and he wouldnt have given me his number and i wouldnt be texting him and thinking about him and i just..idk what id be doing but yea. i know i need to work on myself a lot. on my confidence and social independence and just in general. but i keep trying to numb the emptiness...well not necessarily emptiness. i guess to cover up the lack of excitement and fulfillment with the pursuit of a boy. without that idk what id do. maybe give a shit about things that actually matter for once. like school. working out. work. work im doing pretty well. school definitely not. working out definitely not. im getting so sleepy and ive been supposed to be studying all night but ive found whatever random shit to do. all i do is eat my period wont come but im not pregnant idk what the flip to do. i want to go to sleep so bad. sleep is the only thing that i like to do. and i do it wayyyyyyyyyyy too much. i need to get a life. idk. bleh. i feel like for my own good i need to like cut shit back off and go into my shell to do some work on myself but i feel like i cant. i just..hate liking someone. with G it was so easy. i didnt have to work and i will miss that because i know until i find someone else years from now im going to be workign for people begging for attention basically. :( didnt miss this. at all. anyway. so thats where im at. waiting for a fucking text message.