the day after the day after..i regret it all.

Ah, where to begin? Okay anyway so that convo (the one I was concerned was our last in the previous post) went by the wayside and ended up not being a big deal. According to him he either falls or asleep or forgets his phone is on silent. Anyway a lot has happened since then. On Thursday I was like getting tired of all the hints. He is always like..so open. Not with what he says but I mean he's always hinting and just when I ask him what he's doing he's always doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Not nothing much, like he makes it very clear there is nothing in the world he has to do and is completely free lmao. and he has said soooooo many times he hates sleeping alone. so i talked to 3 different people about it and finally ended up initiating. I told him id be at the library and he should come distract me. i didnt think hed come but he did and he stayed with us til 2am making us laugh our ASSES OFF. DAMN he is fucking hilarious. holllly crap. lol i mean we were crying. it was so fucking funny haha of course that was attractive. then like we finally kinda got kicked out haha and he walked me to his car then i drove him to his. and as soon as he got in the car chris brown "wet the bed" was on and i was like omg awkward and we both laughed so hard hahahhaha one thing i can say about us being in eachothers presence. we laugh really hard haha hes like the first boy that has thought i was funny in forever lol but yea. anyway so then when i took him to his car he gave me a good ass hug and left and then i was thinking about him. smilling hard as hell all the way home and he sent me a smiley face :) but yea. so that made my effing night and i went to sleep extra happy. anyway so THE NEXT DAY we texted or whatever and blah blah he continued to hint and i just was like f it im going to take a leap and i texted him like "so i think we should have a sleepover (i hope that doesnt sound bad i mean it in the most literal way possible) and he was like "im down:) and i was like WOOP! so then it was left at that. i was all excited cause i talked to my friend at work and he told me he thinks he does like me and he sounds like agreat guy. that all the sexual flirting just means hes sexually attracted to me which is a must. but yea soooo i went about my day and he randomly texts me saying "so what time is the sleepover" and i almost jumped out of my pants. and i was like when do you want to have it and he was like you can come now and i was like oh shit cause i definitely didnt think it was going to be the same night! but i went over there with my paper..turned in half of it smh. and then we watched supernatural and talked about a lot of stuff until he got tired of supernatural then he turned it off and started kissing me. it was okay but i wish he would use his tongue more. he's one of those open mouth but no tongue kissers im trying to show him a little somthing haha but yea anyway so that was a definite thing like..still no melty butterflies with the kisses which is what im looking for meh. but i did feel wonderful in his arms and i did like the way he was like holding me like a bear hug. still no face touching which is my number one thing. i also like hands in the hair but when they kiss you like that it means they really like you. anyway so there was a lot of that and this man had his pants down! like..what the heck! i was like meh he just wants my vagina :( so i kept moving his hand. and then we like laid to talk and blah blah he kept talking about his "dick" and how hard it was. and we talked for a bit and he told me i think too much and that i was the best kisser he had ever kissed in his life. which was kind of sweet& awesome i wasnt expecting that at all. i think besides him telling me my dress looked good at the party he hasnt complimented me other than that. but earlier he did say i had pretty hair which was cute. and when i told him he was so attractive he was like "IM attractive?" and the he told me to stop being so hard on myself. anyway yea so he had his giant penis all over me. i went to the bathroom cause i had to and i was thinkin real hard about what reason i had not to have sex with him lol i couldnt really find one so i went in there kind of with the mind set that i wanted to so i reinitiated the kissing and we were all over eachother again and then after a while he blatantly asks me "u wanna fuck?" which wasnt super attractive but whatever i did so i said yes ha and he put the condom on real quick and i did my best to try to prepare my vagina but it was extra dry which sucked but whatever he got it in and OMG. this mofo. went. to. fucking. town. holy crap i have never met anyone so aggressive in my entire life wow. i mean for the most part it was sexy especially before when he was like grabbing me and groping me and rubbing me and smacking my ass and patting my ass with his freaking penis. man. i was like..boyyyyyy. haha but anyway i dont even really know how to describe it but i think i would have preferred less aggressiveness honestly cause it was so ridiculously rough i could barely enjoy it. and it was kinda dry too. i mean he tore my ass up. i got manhandled. that shit was rough as fuck and super ridiculously fast the whole time. he had my legs all over the place and then he just flipped me over and like pressed my back onto the bed and i was like omg that shit is sexy. he makes me feel all safe and shit cause he is SO strong and like..manly lol hes got all this fucking facial hair. and hes TALL and when i say his penis is fucking HUGE. like what THE fuck i mean. idk. after we were finally done i went to the bathroom and i could hear him snoring and i wanted to go home and like not talk to him anymore. i regretted it. not that i felt bad but it wasnt worth it. i kind of want to get back on birth control because i hate condoms. i wish my vagina just would stop being so bloody dry. and i kind of wish i wasnt sexually active right now so i could take care of it like it needs to be taken care of. but anyway..yea the next day he wokeup and it was hard and i could feel him trying to get rid of it. also not cute. then he just kept talking about it. i feel like he doesnt like me that much if he just keeps fucking talking about his penis. he said like he gets in the mood easily (used the word "horny") and that sometimes it is just hard. im like. idk it kinda felt like deja vu. like i really dont want to get into another relationship that is consumed by sex. today i told him that i couldnt stop thinking about him and he sent me a damn smiley face, for SOME reason i want him to ask me to come over tonight but i kinda dont want to go because im on my period and i feel like i dont want to go over there if we're not going to have sex. which signifies to me that its lust. both of us. i mean he did say if he had met me before dee it would have been a different future and he seemed super sure about this. but i just feel...kinda poopy about the whole thing. i think it became another thing where i was happy he was paying attention to me because i thought highly of him but he doesnt make me feel good. this isnt what its supposed to be and i shouldnt have done it with him knowing that. i mean. he doesnt compliment he. he doesnt make me feel special and say sweet things to me. hes not impressed by me at all. ugh i just wanna turn my phone off. i want to go back to before my bday before i even knew it was on a saturday and like undo everything. i would undo inviting him to the party. i would undo the party. and everything involving him thereafter. id take the lonely nights crying whatever i had to do to just..be free of any attachment to any other human being. especially him. hes nice. and hes attractive. and he has a large penis which is great but i feel like i dont really like him. like we dont really have good chemistry. i mean. he..im pretty sure he likes me. as far as i know. but it doesnt matter. i would take it all back if i could so that it would end up that we never talk because my grades would be higher, id have more money, and a lower "number" and just in general wouldnt be feeling crappy because of a boy. heres the thing. The ex isnt "the one" but the next guy, any guy, is going to have to be one hell of a EVERYTHING to compete. because i never had to work. he was ALWAYS there for me loved me more than anything and cared about me and my life and was so reliable. every fucking body else is just unreliable. they have their own lives going on and arent super concerned about mine if at all. i just feel so crappy :( i need to like...let all these old flames go. hes not the one. this new one isnt the one. no one is giving me what i need or want or making me feel better than i do when im by myself. i want to erase it but i cant i want to forget and ill try. i mean what the hell. hes just sitting here like..texting me back just to get me to text him so he can NOT text me back? and just..never really cares about what IM doing or how I AM. he just...idk. this made me feel even worse than before. i mean all the good memories are funny but theyre not irreplacable. im looking for something im not going to find easily apparently. somethign God is going to have to graciously bestow upon me because this just isnt effing it. none of it. i need to clear my life of boys i dont want anything to do with any of them. i need to reenter my life because i been in this daze. i literally want to just go to sleep right now. i didnt realize it was so late so much for working out. idk the confusion just turned to anger. i never felt like this about past relationships that worked. never regretted it. this doesnt feel good. screw you boy you suck you never say the right things you dont ask me any questions you dont care to get to know me youre just like all the others. just like how i look want to touch me and do it with me. scccccrreeeeeeeeeeewwwww yyyyyyyoooooooouuuuuuuuuuu. thats it. im going to end up on match. and like a dumbass. i still wanted to text him just now. meh. why do i want to go over therE? to make sure? to not feel so shitty? mmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I just want to put that I think there has been a recent development. If I dont text him back he will doubletext. which means he only doesnt text back/ doesnt text first because i always do. Sooo I need to start leaving his ass hanging a lot more. I think he likes the aggressiveness but being an aggressor himself i think he will respond favorable to the chase as well. alright over and out haha hy