love my life right now. not.

So let me tell you how much I love my life right now. Its just so bleak. Really. I can't wait til there is something on this earth I actually want to do. Til the day i finally feel like being here isn't a waste of time or some cruel unusual punishment. cause right now i feel like ultimate shit. calmer ultimate shit than times in the past of similar suckiness but ultimate shit none the less. i mean...why? why do i wake up in the morning. i finally started to feel like i am happy where i am and can get comfortable and my stepmom has to ruin it. if i were her id hate my life too but she has control over it. she doesnt have to sit at home and deal with horrible children all day. she could work. and watching my dad neglect and then just try to overdiscipline my brother isnt fun. but she has pretty much ruined me staying here which really sucks cause now i cant afford to get an easier job and i have to go back on that side of town when i really like it better over here. i like the quiet and the scenery and i really need to not be worried about money for a little while. but i dont have a choice. :( fuck. i cant catch a break. i hate my job. im over the horrible people im constantly forced to work with and i thought id found a way out. but now i feel unwelcome and i just want to leave. i thought i had some hope but im running low again. it is SO hard not to be depressed im trying but i really cant stand anything about my life. and i have to rely on people so much. i dont like people. im so sick of fucking vitamin shoppe. like..stop hiring horrible people. make a phone call before you hire these motherfuckers. its unfair to the people that do work hard. i mean i wanted to climb the ladder etc but now im seeing not only how hard that really is but how time consuming. im failing in school and i dont know how to get myself back on that mindlength. now if i move out im going to be broke especially if i get a jon somewhere else i cant afford to do shit but pay bills. if even that. im just tired of stressing. i could understand some stress if there w=ere also things that made me happy but there arent. bryan was a waste of time id take that back if i could. another wasted number another fuckin..just regret. a waste of time to add to all the rest of the wasted time in my life. i want to run away so bad. i just want to leave and go somewhere and start over and for once just not worry. i wanna meet new friends and new boys different kinds. and just....have a life i like. i dont like any of this. i dont want it to get worse but im so tired and worn out and depressed. how did it get to this point? how long have i been this unhappy? i really want a reason to live a reason to get up instead of doing shit just for the hell of it. im miserable and im trying to make the best of it but this place was my peace and now that i dont have that... man. if i didnt have my cats id literally leave tomorrow. i even thought of giving them away but im not fucking foing that. i love my babies and theyre all i have honestly. i feel alone in the world i would be so sad without my babies. me and the boy i made a movie about-the originator of the orignal name of this blog- got back in contact. yes i baited him. i was bored. sue me. but like..idk. nothing. no one is going to make me happy right now i cant even see myself having any sort of feelings or connection with another human being. its like impossible to imagine. and it really sucks that family could make you feel this bad. i came here for help and im not getting it its not worth it. i have no home in this world ill have to create my own. man. im lonely but at the same time i dont want anyone. in just want to go away. SO. bad. sooooooo nad i want to disappear. and just..disappear. im just..not happy. and im scared of the future im not excited about anything. i just want to hide and i cannot WAIT for things to get better because theyve been bad for MONTHS. it usually doesnt last this long. im tired of being unhappy :( God stay with me i know youve got a plan i need your strength. great. now i depressed myself and didnt even get the challenge program ready for tomorrow now ill have that on my plate tomorrow too. ugh.