another depressing angry post- this time im really just mad at myself

clearly i have no common sense and no self control. if im ever going to have any confidence i have to change. and if i am ever to change i have to have some confidence. the problem is i dont want respect as much as i want company. its a damn shame. why the FUCK did he text me today. even then, i couldve ignored him or left it at that but nooooo i wanted to go over there for some odd fucking reason. so did. and it was awkward as usual cause im so mad at him i do not trust him and i cant hide it. its irreparable at this point and i didnt want to repair it i wanted to end it. spring break tore us apart but its not my fault its HIS. well. hell giving him all that shit probably didnt help but i wasnt wrong. "hes just not that into me" and he let me break it off and walk out that door so fuck him. seriously got damn i am so SICK of rejection from people WHO DO NOT DESERVE TO REJECT ME WHO THE FUCK DO CHILDREN THINK THEY ARE. WITH THIS WILD CONFIDENCE AND COMPLACENCY. yes he is fine but like..devoid of emotion i dont need it. its so hard to forgive myself when i do dumb shit like this. i really should go back before my bday and NOT have that party and NOT invite him and he fine. i really should. and i wish i could im pretty sure i would. i remember him being sweet to me. but spring break killed it. i HATE BEING NEGLECTED. if you like me fucking act like it. PERIOD. im tired of waiting around fort extx etc im tired mostly of caring and i dont want to anymore. i go over the waste my fucking time for like an hour and a half almost 2 hours. cleaned the motherfuckers bathroom. and then just sit there as he writes his paper. i gave him shit told em how i felt tried to do it in a joking way but he didnt care just beat around the bush like always. fucking gross. then i told him why dont you just be honest and break it off. and i told him like 5 different variations of what he could say and he refused them all. said he wasnt going to say that. but he wouldnt say the opposite. he wouldnt just SAY i dont want to end it i like you. and he is going to have a lot of good women walk out on him if he doesnt learn to say it but i guarentee he wont lose a wink of sleep or even struggle on his paper or have an ounce of negative feeling added to his day because he doesnt even care that much he doesnt value me or need me at all so whats the point. he just wouldnt say it and i was SO TIRED of bullshitting its been like a month and all we do is regress. so IM OVER IT. i said fine im just going to assume and pretend like you said it. i said thank you for being honest with me no hard feelings. told him i was going to go to the gym and he said why. then after i basically put words in his mouth to break it off he just kept fucking touching my boobs. being perverted as fucking always and making me feel even less important. and i told him to stop. then he kept trying like "look" at my phone even though he had the same one kind of before and i told him to quit stalling and he said ok i wont stall and i said no hard feelings and good luck on his paper and walked out. when i heard the door behind me i almost thought it might be him but im not retarded. that boy will never talk to me again and if he fuckin g does i pray to the Lord I ignore him because it has been nothing but bs from day one and all i do is regret all of it. as usual i walk away EMPTY MOTHERFUCKING HANDED. feeling stupid and trying not to hate myself for BEING stupid. and then as im leaving FUCKING THE OTHER ONE texts me. talkin bout "michelle michelle" AGAIN. the fuck. i told em i was mad at him and he said what i do and i said you never text me back you know i hate that and he said i know i know my fault what you up to. motherfucker WHY DOES IT MATTER. WHY. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SPEAKING TO ME. IF YOU DONT LIKE ME WHYYYY ARE YOU SPEAKING TO ME!!!!1 YOU DONT CARE IF WE TALK IN THAT WAY OR AT ALL YOU DONT CARE WHO I AM WHAT I AM OR WHAT IM DOING. YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT ME WHATSOEVER IF I DIED YOU WOULDNT EVEN CRY SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TEXTING ME? TO BE FRIENDS NIGGA? YOU KNOW YOU DONT NEED NO M,ORE MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDS. DO YOU HAVE A GF MY NIGGa? ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING TO SOMEONE AND JUST TRYING TO ADD TO THE BENCH. WERE YOU JUST BORED? OR DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GET ME BACK IN THE SACK AGAIN ID LOVE TO SAY THAT WONT HAPPEN BUT DAMN I DONT EVEN KNOW CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT WHEN HE TEXTED ME WHAT I WAS UP TO MY IMMEDIATE THOUGHT WAS WOULD I HAVE TIME TONIGHT TO GET BACK ON THAT SIDE OF TOWN WHAT IF HE WANTS TO HANG OUT. IS THIS MY FUCKING DRUG? AM I THAT RETARDED THAT I CAN JUST FORGET THAT ALMOST EVERY SINGLE BOY I HAVE EVER TALKED TO IN MY LIFE I HAVE REGRETTED. OUT OF PROBABLY OVER 50 THERE ARE PROBABLY 5 THAT I DONT REGRET THAT DIDNT FUCKING MAKE ME FEEL LIKE EVEN MORE SHIT THAN BEFORE. i dont want to like these motherfuckers i want to ignore them. i want to put an iron fucking inpenetrable gate around my heart with an eyeball scanner in the front that will scan your eye and can immediately tell your intentions and if youre a good person or not. i just dont want to feel stupid anymore. son of a btich i am so tired of being so pretty and so smart and nice and good personality and having so much going for me and trying to be fun and STILL no matter what i am never good enough these motherfuckers are not impressed..cause why? cause i dont have high enough self esteem. WELL I WONDER WHY. AM I SUPPOSED TO PULL IT OUT OF MY ASS. ill try to build it up but while i do i think i just need to avoid all boys like the plague. these mofos are inconsiderate and unappreciative and they dont give a fuck. please leave me alone. i wanted to text idiot number 1 and say you better learn to say how you feel or one day someone you care about is going to walk out on you. but i didnt. because these mofos dont take it to heart. LIFE IS NOT A MOVIE. i need to let that shit go. its not about to be like disney channel. no time have i ever said some movie shit to a guy and theyve reacted the way i wanted. ever. not once. matter of fact no matter what i say they never react how i want. and now WHY. why did he text me talkin bout "thanks for cleaning my bathroom. that was so fucking thoughtful:)" and i said "dont mention it" and he says "nope i owe you" and i said "you dont owe me anything. i only did it because it was dirty. i meant what i said. youre good". why did he text me? im sick of this bullshit. i want it to be over i do. because there is no good that comes from this. he does not make me feel good or special he makes me feel unimportant uninteresting unworthy unvalued and just plain stupid. i feel WORSE because of him which is not what the fuck im looking for at all. what has he EVER done for me. he is unthoughtful neglegent unreceptive inconsiderate and just plain like useless. never picks up on anything he hasnt lifted A FINGER in this relationship and all my "try' and will to make something out of motherfucking NOTHING has run out. i dont even want to read what he said. im expecting an ok but i saw more than that. im so tired and depressed from all this i need to spend the rest of this week trying to get over it. and you know what the sad thing is. it wont go away. i still want to like go out somewhere with lillie and see him there and stunt on him. when has that ever worked? example-the wrong turn. went to that party to stunt on him an d i felt like a loser because i dont fucking know anyone anymore. and no one gives a shit.this mofo is like "nope i owe you and you will accept what i offer" and i said "good luck with that. you could literally never see me again." it wouldnt be difficult and thats what im planning. im not playing hard to get. there is no getting to be done. there are no possiblities. ive seen the best and its half ass at best. i just want all or nothing cause i cant do halfass. i just cant anymore. im so mad at every boy in the world. til i find my prince im done fuckin with all these frogs. just leave me alone :( why the fuck did you text me he really is dumb and blind and oblivious. i will take note of this. october birthdays and november birthdays are exactly the fucking same. libras AND scorpios are TOXIC. this mofo is reaaaalllly annoying me. now im having to go through everything again because hes acting like he didnt know what was going on. talking about what am i mad about i was just happy in his room. seriously? no. not at all. so i had to recap are you serious. shoot me. all i have is my family and these fucking cats. lol i love my kitties but damn. and my dumbass is about to set up working out with chester. bleh. ok. this fuckin bullshit. im going to record the actual convo for future ref. me: i basically spent the whole time trying to get you to say something you refused to say so i said it for you and walked out the door. did you miss that whole scene? him: i didnt say that because its not true. sometimes im too nonchalant im sorry and i like you im just not a fan of rushing into things especially since you just moved out with your ex and i just broke up with my ex a couple weeks back. im not fucking around you were the last person i had sex with. but i understand if you have no patience with me. me: weeks? omg. i just dont think the patience is worth it. i didnt rush you into anything. its just if you like me act like it dont treat me like a stranger. i mean what did i get out of that? all i end up feeling is bad. which i can do on my own. i mean did i ask you for a ring? mention a title ever? i dont force you to parade me around in public or anything that would mean rushing. i mean its fine. but youre right im out of patience bc for the last month i have been courting YOU and that is the opposite of what i want. you can do whatever you want i cant complain. i just dont want to work hard for NOTHING anymore. im better off without. him: but you werent working hard for nothing. me: if you really believe that you have a lot to learn about girls him:i am sorry i dont show my emotion most of the time (my name) something im working on. IM SORRY! im sorry me: its fine. thats clearly just how you are you dont have to apologize to me. but im not the kind of girl you want to be involved with cause im the opposite. theres girls out there who arent like me. maybe thats what you need. him:ughhh i understand why your mad. i like you but i didnt show you as much attention as you needed. sorry for wasting your time...i know a lot about girls just been trying not to rush into anything since my breakup, if you dont understand and hate me its okay i probably deserve it me: understandable. its fine i dont hate you. i told you. if i could go back i would undo all my aggressiveness and just let this all not have happened. its my fault. but nothing i can do about it now. him: welp thats hurtful. i guess i deserve that me: im the one thats been hurt in all this. youll be okay. we will both be okay if we just dont talk anymore. i want to get over you. then i wont feel bad and you wont be bothered. man...this convo is drama drama drama. now THATS what im talkin bout!! some damn emotion! oh well. im still ending it. i dont feel like being starved for affection forever so. maybe we will still be able to like have that fun lingering feeling whenever we are around each other by accident (which will never happen because out of my 4 years at u of h i have never accidentally run into anyone) but it was nice to know he actually did like me and cared that i left. definitely didnt expect that. ugh. this convo is still happening. meanwhile my dumbass did tell idiot #2 that we should workout together. and that convo is happening now. i dont think theres anything in the world i want more than attention from boys. k now im confused. the convo keeps going and i think hes trying to tell me he wants to keep working on it. but idk. meh. i dont want it. and no i dont want to be friends. i want romance. id rather just be left alone hes not even a good friend. whats the point of that. leave me alone.