People write psychology books about people like me. I think Im schizophrenic.. Im paranoid. Or am I right? I've obviously got at least two different personalities.. if we start onlywith the grownup nd te child. But thts a different disorder. & we wont start on my actual disorder. The funny thing is Im not sad, normally... I like me. Its other people that seem to have the problem.
Blink 182- I miss you
I like this song. I feel like a fairy flying around in a coloful place. Where I bleeping belong. & no one stares at me. or judges me cause Im wierd or bold. Sometimes I want to paint the walls colors. Sometimes I want to paint them black.
I really am trying to wear less black..my nails are purple. its a start.
I have 7 hearts tattooed on me right now. 8 tattoos total. Got that good girl gone bad shit on me... people seem to forget what I WENT THROUGH up until this point... just because they hink THEYRE hurting ... so now I'll always remember. what does it matter Ill never be in Corporate effing america.
Will i ever find a damn job where I can be me? Shouldve moved to LA when I had the chance.
People dont know why i cut my hair. Partly because Im insane. & i was angry. Im tired of people getting so caught up in what they see they stop looking...so theyre completely missing the inside shit. so i chopped it of hoping to be a little less physically distracting. didnt work. soon enough, hlf my friends had bobs. sigh.
so i gt mad again...another heartbroken "i wanna die" type night, & i was lookin for some adreniline i suppose. couldnt get a tat..so i called my sister & she drove over to cut it.
if I wasnt mad before Im mad now.
But back to my hair...i almost wanted to be ugly. People do not understand how hard it is to be me. Its not this glamorous fucking joyride. Its a freaking burden. People who dont even know me hate me. Call me a bop. Call me a flirt, a "status hoe" thats the new one. & Im just in he dark.
Apparently Im the devil.
This happens so often. and always has. & Im really like..Im nice. I try to do right always. People screwed the shit out of Jesus and he was a sweetheartanyway. he never fought back. dont tell me Im wrong. Do what you want to me I can take it.
I hate this place. I want to go where I am loved so ilive how He instructs... screw people.
Take your hypocrisy..youre awful =[
Im okay. Just... taking some...away from the world time.
Actually Im moving to the rainforest. to a tree. in Brazil. I will live in nature where the animals & the flowers will be my friends and I will b free from capitalism and meanies.
I think the Europeans ruined everything..the Indians had the right idea. But obviously Im a flower child. Ill get into that later.
I just want to be free
to be me. & have fun. & just be at peace. & I want everyon else to be free too and at peace. The world sucks sometimes. God must be very mad at us. =[ its sad.
If youre happy and energetic people call you naive.
It no place for a bleeding heart.
I had an opportunity to snitch...and finally let out my anger on the person who made me this way... you watched the movie...you liked it...did you know it was true. did you know it was about him? ..
I lied to protect someone...and of course my enemies came & made sure shegot hurt anyway just to spite me.
You wouldnt want to end up like me..with your hair all gone...with multiple holes in yur face & the scars to prove what youve seen...
no nes a victim I know. But people realy overlook WHO ALL gets hurt in a situation. theyre all caught up in their own shit. The list is long...it wasnt just me. & thats what gets me.
When did I become so stupid.
I swear to yo..status means nothing tome. I want to be loved. BAD. & id give up anything to hve that. i cant let the chancego by. Ill deal with the consequences if just once I might be right. I have this heart FULL of love to give away...& no one wants it. They just persecute me. Call me names, kick me around, pretend to b my friend but theyre just holding back what they really want to say.
Fallout Boy- Me & You
I try. You can ask much more of me if you dont. No ones perfect. Honestly, Im just a loving, affectionate person. I didnt grow up with that. Never recieved it. Psychologically it makes sense that Im compensating. But im dealing with rebellious children. Who dont know who they are. I know who I am. like it...will not change. guess thats an issue.
It hurts when people you LOVE hate you. & you hear what they say. but fuck it. this is college. this happens to me like 3 times a year. Im used to it. Do i lik it? no. do i think its deserved? no. would i everdo this to someone? no. but what canya do
I want to be a fairy. But a big one. not a little one. I want to live in a big pretty jungle like fern gully. where everyone understands and is one. I want to fly when I feel high above the ground. And land somewhere else. at night when the sky is pretty and I want to see the stars up close that is what i want to do.
When I walk, I feel like a child. I look at pictures of myselfas an awkward nerdy goofy kid..and I see myself. when I look in the mirror I dont see me. I see...someone else. No matter what I do. I ant change it. I cant mke it into something.So i dress it up like a doll for whatevr I feel like that day. I call it MUlan syndrome.
When I walk i know there are eyes on me. I hold onto my smile because I know a frown on this fce will make the front page. Every now & then i slip & fall. if someone sees, its news. Like ive been given this & that... never shed a tear. Like i dnt know wha problems feel like. I choose to take life how it is...and make the best of every momnt. negativity repels me. but they want to take me down.
& im feeling vulnerable. because i dont know who i can trust. they say you cant trust anyone and that mybe true but what a sad world to live in that way. i defy.
Im just going to keep bein me and doing the best I can until God rolls out the carpet and takes me where I need to be but they will not steal my joy and i will not return the hate.
Paramore- Emergency
Theresone person I actually have a feeling or two for. But i dont trust him. i do not think that his intentions are true. & i can tell by thelack of surprise in his eyes he doesnot see me. He makes me feel good when Im aound him though. I think hes adorable. I recognize his child-like spirit..same as mine. & i could probably never get tired of him. But I am right now. because he ...like the rest.. is looking right through me. & i know were no on the same page. he could do a lot of damage with his neglegent ways... i dont have the capacity to chase anyone.. i know im a good person *& will treat dude like a prince. so really.. i just cant giveit away to just anyway. not anymore.
dear last guy, YOU RUINED MY LIFE
rejection is not fun. I have issues with people leaving me...and he does it a lot. so Im keeping my distance. i know he wont change his ways. & Ive been warned. byseveral. Im sure hes been warnd about me. Hes still the only one I'd talk to if I decided to. Probably in a heartbeat if Im honest. But.... fuck. i dont wanna fall in love anymore. Yes i do. But shit, why?
I'll wait. My taste is obviously flaw. I know God didnt fill my heart with love to just stand behind a wall smashing into it like water behind a dam. He's got something in mind.
Im thinking no more UH dudes. If you knew how deep these cuts were...you'd feel really bad for thoselemons youve been squeezing.
Keep it comin bro. Theres realy nothing I cant handle. No fear.
No comments:
Post a Comment