emptiness

ugh. im so frustrated with myself right now
as usual. im having to go to extremes. to take a step back
because ive been doing the most.
me & the boy r probably pretty much ruined.
& i have to drop off the face a little bit
unless i decided to go out tomorrow
which i want to
i feel like once again i put so much effort into like the impression i was making
i havent really been myself
& idk if i made a good enough first impression for this one not to matter
i want a bf so bad its really hard to hide
i get so excited at the possibility that i might get one
its only a matter of time before i think every guy is perfect
end up staring at his fb three to five times a datgum day
wanna talk to em all the time
making myself way to available
considering them in every effing thing i do
its a bloody tragedy
im so clingy & needy right now
i shouldve just hidden it
i did for a while but man now its real obvious & im so datgum irritated
like..ugh.
cause i feel so out of control
like i just..blew his bloody head up
now hes ignoring my text. hes on fb & oovoo i see it right now. i texted him at 6:20 it is now 7:20
this is not how girls are supposed to be
boys are supposed to chase girls
he should b sitting there waiting on my call
i promise i have lowered myself so freaking much this year theres really like no return at this point. maybe next semester but honestly
right now no
because ive made myself soooo available and sooo swishy whichever way is cool
like..other people control my life
obviously i STILL dont know who i am
its ridiculous once again i want to hide. part of me just wants to go home tomorrow & just stay there. how do you get over being ignored like that? seriously?
like...im sitting here. this mofo is on fb too.
idk what to do cause ive literally made a food of myself.
it mightve been ok if i hadnt texted em today.
but i did. like an idiot.
now im so embarrassed i really just wanna disappear.
now i know its over. why do i do this to myself
i care so much what people think
people like me when im ME
idkwhat i was doing..
thats what i did with the last one.
like when u fail so datgum much..you really just wanna stop trying
how are u supposed to love yourself when u suck so bad
so freaking bad
SO BAD
i missed my chem test.
stuff is bad right now.
i dont even wanna show my face
or feel like pretending to be happy
cuz im pissed off
& ashamed honestly because i..
im pretty man. im funny. im a nice person
but its like i have no life
like i just bow down to these boys
im way too honest
just open up wide really? i need to keep everything to myself
another one bites the dust
its over. completely
i know it is. i might as well have a replacement
idk what this is. i promise like..
ugh. confidence & swag..still shot.
idk how to get it back.
im just this lost puppy chasin after any boy that shows me the time of day
like freaking middleschool
obsessive annoying..really>?
i need to find something else to live for
cause boys are not it
i like him but he doesnt deserve to just be thinking like
ugh. i laiud down & willingly GAVE HIM the upper hand
thank God we didnt go THERE
bc i would b like suicidal right now
how retarded can u be
its time to lock it up
foreal
and just shut everything in forever
bc when u try to b honest ppl just..idk.
exploit.
God is the only man i can trust,
i feel so empty. im so bored
brandon is the only thing i like.. and the only time i wanna spend
otherwise i just wanna sleep
& wake up & hope the nest day will be more exciting less embarrassing
why did i text him today
force force force
how do i get out of this slump
cause it really is a slump
i just gotta disappear now
which sucks. it really sucks
i wanna get this bio freaking final out the way
even though i cant bloody focus and i dont feel like studying anymore
who...am....i...
and how can i get my confidence back.
i knew it. i came out of my coccoon too soon.
im mad at him..but instead of giving HIM the cold shoulder
i basically..idk..let him give it to me
yea..i gotta just avioid him now
i dont wanna go to that party bc then its gunna be like
im lookin for him all night
he wont come
all he really has to do in life is study
play bball sometimes
i have way more stuff to do
but i make time for people
i manage my time so im never really "busy"
but i look like i have no life
& im just all on his tip
im glad i got that article done
ill do the other tomorrow. dangit. i dont have anymore sleeping pills.
efffffffffffffff
God please wash me clean of my embarrassment and shame
please make me ..me again
i been a shell of a person for a minute
'still tryna figure out wtf happened this summer to do this to me
was it tre? was it langston? [puke]
why:( i had more swag when life sucked.
this is ridonculous.
i need to toughen up
but im caught because im tryna b a good person
its just...not paying off
ive become a loser
like a social outcast
no one knows or cares who i am
i might as well just disappear :(
this sucks.
thanks a lot stupid. uggghhhhh
i need to stay away from boys :( but im so freaking bored
i could have 5 or 6 on a team if i wanted
& just have one to call when im bored
couldve just let this one be the main
but noooooooooooooooooooooo
i had to let him have all the power
now il;l never get it back :(
only way to do it is if he comes back
& pursues me & i turn him down
which sucks knowing i do actually want him
i need to go home tomorrow
eff this. & ill just stay there cause to b honest i have no reason to b here
& i need to take my mind of that boy. & everything else
God help me. im so super lost it feels hopeless :(