eh, mood swings

idk what the heck. i go so back & forth
i guess i need to choose
do i wanna be alone & keep waitin for mister perfect
& justkeep jettin everytime my mind invents something new to freak about it
or..do i wanna stick around, b patient, chill out
and see what happens
yea, he does..not give me everything i want yet
but i have one more thing to try
ive been throwing myself on him, letting every jealous thought bounce off the tip of my tongue, i text him some long bs or chop him up about something everytime my mood changes
normally,& im pretty sure if it was me, id definitely jet
like..why put up with the drama?
it does feel like he has no intention of taking it further than it is
i cant imagine how like..we would have an opportunity to "get to know e/o" mentally now that weve known e/o so much physically
thought that is truly our only hope
idk.. when we were in that bed..& i was freaking out
& i turned over to pout..my pride was swallowed & i was going to turn back over & make him talk to me
but he did it first. MAYBE that means something.
MAYBE he did feel how i felt. i dont know
he didnt have to tell me i had nothing to worry about
he doesnt have to answer my ?s
he couldve told me just like daray "were not talking" but idk mayb we r?
idk. truth be told, yes i would like him to b more affectionate
yes i would like to talk to him more & spend more time with him other than extra late at night
i would like it to be way more obvious that he feels how i feel
& no i dont really think he does.
but he must like me some..to let me control him like i do
he really is patient with me & my antics & i need to stop
bc nobody wants to put up w/bs this early
but he does
i guess i just gotta back off & shut UP and let things flow
& not dream up something bad just because im afraid
cuz i like em too much
its a blessing that he hasnt changed like the last one did
& just seems to forgive & forget so easily
maybe he does see the good in me, hmm idk
he probably doesnt know i see the good in him
im trying to b nicer
when im myself, im sweet
so im trying not to force & b rude to be cool
i told em good luck on his tests & that id include him in my pretest prayers & he called me sweet. it was a good convo. idk ill see where it goes. sometimes when u stick around, & just..idk let them live their lives they come around. maybe ill finally get a bf for christmas who knows,
maybe if i let him initiate he will
maybe if i go away he'll miss me.
maybe in his spare time he'll think of me.
who knows. im gunna try to do what Victoria said in church last week
& deal mercifully with him
knowing im FAR from perfect, now i dont have to hide myself from him
my weaknesses or my moodiness
hes obviously already seen it and doesnt seem to care
now i just really want him to get to know the real me
because if i am myself, i know i am loveable
& when i was in the past, and til this day, when im not nagging
we have so much fun.
i can only hope & have faith that he feels what i feel
he should cause im just as much of a catch as he is
& i have just as much going for me
i hope he can make an attempt to get to know me better
& i made a promise to God not to pursue any man or praise any man more than him anymore
& to always turn to him for answers& not give man that power
so now i cannot do what i have in the past
if i am truly a child of the King that makes me a princess
princesses should b courted properly by worthy suitors
what would a princess look like mingling among the commoners gravling at a peasants feet
i do not think of myself this way. were all equal. but girls need to be the chasees not the chasers.
im trying to up my confidence & self esteem & give myself value
idk what he thinks of me
he doesnt tell me
& i dont want to ask
but i think if i let my spirit shine through & let these walls down
he will feel as i do if not more
because i know that my heart is of value
whther he sees it or not
BUT he doesnt specifically mistreat me
he never intentionally hurts me & he doesnt continue to do things after i tell him or show him that they hurt me
AND unlike the others, he does actually make me happy
only my thoughts make me sad
SO im gunna have to keep a positive outlook & just pray when the light goes from me
im convinced its the devil that makes me sabotage myself
& i need to continue to pray that God purge my soul if his filth
so i can walk in light as he would have me do
i really like this kid
the way we met was cute, and i think it was specifically orchestrated by God that i meet him & not the other
i did ask God to filter my feelings & only allow my heart to be drawn to someone he approves of
so im gunna have to follow my heart and my original instinct on this one
not be paranoid
& give him the benefit of the doubt
just in case it turns into something
if it doesnt, oh well
the times that i did get to be with him & all the laughs & the hugs & the kisses & the fights & the hours watching tv talking about nothing, was worth it
i just wanna enjoy everyday
ive wasted too much of my time wishing i was someone or somewhere else
now its time to enjoy wherever God puts me the best i can
& stop procrastinating on LIVING
anyway. i dont know when ill see em again
dont plan to text em anymore..well maybe tomorrow to c how he did on his test.
maybe not. idk. we'll see. probably not.
im trying to have him initiate from now on. think ive done enough.
i hope he does..but im trying to get a life & live for me. &* enjoy it when im with em, hope it increases. & then just..nenjoy whatever else is happening when im not with em. & let it go where it will without trying to rush. truth is we got time. AND if he wanted to use me, eh idk. he could use anyway.
if he does turn out to be using me, its his problem not mine
bc he will be missing out on a truly good girl who will cut for him
& make sure he is always & in all ways provided for.
i will just have to believe. & pray that Gods blessing has already been given to us. i wanna thank him for putting up with my ish.
but i dont wanna devalue myself more
idk we'll see where it goes
i cant deny though i like him
i guess i just have to be proactive and do what i know will help me toward my goal
& try to just believe & trust
& not make the mistakes of the past,
even tho i mostly already have & he lets me get away with it.
he could be using me, he could just be tolerating me
he could be talking to any other girl
both at the same time
i pray hes not
but i do have a choice to be positive or negative
trusting or paranoid
& im going to choose to be trusting & positive
& have him be innocent until proven guilty
& just know God will deliver me from whatever pain he causes me
love would be worth the risk
i cant just walk around scared
gotta just swallow my pride & my fear
& see what happens. as of now, its been 2 wks of me testing him
& he hasnt left yet
maybe now..i can let him do the work
see if he will
my plan is to just do that.
live my life & let him be part of it, not be all of it.
& be my normal positive self..seeking to be more Godly not more humanly
& hopefully we work out
if we dont it isnt meant to be
so far..idk
maybe it is.
i hope one day i can text him & say i miss him
or that he'll say it to me first
i hope to hear him tell me he likes me one day
call me baby
to know that he cares about me
that my presence makes a difference in his day
i hope one day i get to change my relationship status to in a relationship with him
i hope we take pics & hes the one i know i canalways talk to & be with
& i know for sure how he feels
to have someone to sleep w/. mostly every night
a new best friend/boyfriend to be attached at the hip with
inseparable from
but its a long shot
if its supposed to happen it will
i cant expect it, cant demand it
& if things were good b/w us yday i have to assume they are good today
but i have to let him chase me
thats what they like
its fun. so there you go hun
i have hope. & i am choosing to be positive.
if im wrong, ill deal with it then
but so far, i havent been