KEY to My hEART

listening to Dont Wake Me by Skillet
beautiful song

i miss em but i grew up a lot today
i watn what God wants for me
i know he has someone for me with whom it will just work
for all i know he could b feelin what im feelin & just not be as forward
but like, idk
im sweet to him..i think.
i compliment him. i always go see him
& i just have to wait for him to initiate
idk. i thought about it
spirits are like heart shaped balls of light
with key holes
we all have a hole & a key
our key doesnt fit in our own lock
its for someone else
i feel like he has mine, nothing compares to being with him
sometimes i feel like..when you meet someone, you just..know
you just fall. pretty quickly
it doesnt take that much time
but with him its taking forever
know he doesnt feel the same
i want him to have someone that makes him feel how he makes me feel
its been a LONG time since i felt this way
i wish i could b that one
i havent really been thinking about making HIM happy til now
only me, ive been Agenda Girl, Drama Girl, Yes girl, and Lost girl
i dont feel like the damage can be undone by human hands [it cant]
UNLESS God specifically wants us together, in which case nothing will tear us apart
idk why hes kept me around
thru all my nagging & bringing him lowkey random drama
& he just reassures me
but like, idk.. i still feel like..
idk i can thinkof one reason why someone would stick around thru bs, besidess liking them
i know he doesnt think of me like i think of him
i want him to be my bf
i dont want anyone else touching him
i know what you act like when you like someone
he doesnt act like that
we havent even talked today
why do boys always pick the day after things go down, when you really need them to be there
to not be there
lowkey im not trippin cuz i definitely need to study today
he did text me last night but i didnt wanna c him
which is a blessing from God bc i never thought i could not feel like being w/ him
next time..if there is one, pretty sure imuna make him come to me
& i just want us to have a freaking talk & not just spend our time eating e/os faces off
well..shoot idk. i just am at the point where i know im falling & i need to know if hes gunna be there to catch me
i need to know if he has feelings cause this is the point where it could just sever
i wish em well, i still wanna be his friend
& i do not regret one single second because he made me sooooo freaking happy
& he still has my heart
probably always will have a piece
& i dont wanna let go but i am
cause i need him to show me something
before we proceed.
so i am officially giving up. its up to him now
i think i deserve to be pursued & shown some affection
i need to know that he values me
if he doesnt show me, he wont see me til after the break
bc he should b trying harder to impress me
instead its the other way around
i know my only way of contributing to the possibility, eh idk
i dont believe he has feelings for me
i feel like he got what he wanted
& its only a matter of time so im just bracing myself for the goodbye
we'll see if he even notices if i back off.

ON THE FLIP SIDE
today was an amazing day. for the first time in a while i felt like God was with me. finally i was looking for the right person. not chasing anyone.
it was great. made good $ at work, got some studying done. [been studying since like 7] got my meds, my groceries, and my supps and worked out & actually wanted to. i felt energetic & happy today.
crazy that i feel energetic, happy, & confident the first day that i didnt talk to the rude girl [friend] or the rude boy [him]...
strange that my happiest day & most peaceful day is without the two main ppl..
eh. we'll see.
im letting God take over my relationships at this point.
but io do know who is a bad influence & where most of the negativity ive been feeling is coming from
& i am back eating right
2nd day in a row
i feel great, i think i look decent
still havent weighed myself. idk i dont wanna.
later, maybe monday.
im making progress. today i felt like me. goofy, happy, chillin
i watched a movie & studied
left my phone at home that was a biggie. it helped a LOT. & i havent been on fb or twitter really. all the unecessary stuff that really had me trippin i just got off today & it was so peaceful
i dont plan to completely reenter my coccoon. but i def plan to have some me time. moreso, some me & God time
cause i have to resume where i was & start growing from there again.
but yea.. so in summary,
im trying once again instead to find someone, to find myself
working on my confidence & sense of self worth
getting closer to God
um, i still really reaqlly like rude boy,
but im letting him go because im not sure he feels the same [my prediction is no]
so if he doesnt try, then we'll just slowly fall apart.
i'll miss him but hey, even when we were talking i always missed em
hes never missed me.
i need to hear about feelings. asap. thats what i really want
but i prayed about it its in Gods hands now
anyway, end of my study break
one more song & im back on it