Moral of th story: We ALWAYS end up back here

Cause this is who he is. A disrespectful asshole whose treatment of a women will depend on how he feels about her. so one girl one day might make him feel strongly enough to change but I mean...idk. that's shitty. feelsing go back and forth you shouldn't treat people bad when the original rosy glow fades. this whole week he just...stopped talking to me as much. I talk to him in the morning then basically go the whole day. it pisses me off cause he is not just "busy" the whole time. he chills with chris. goes to the movies with chris. he was fucking with chris when I was with him. Wednesday he told me sometimes he had popped xanex when he was with me which is why he would be so negligent and tired. that's when It started. everyday since he just ahsnt been talking to me and I been going crazy all day everyday. being sad. and he a[ologized and said some really sweet things the other day when we talked about it. but were supposed to be together TODAY. and were not. I kinda decided that earlier this week though. its easter. I don't trust him though. the pattern of me sitting there while he goes about his life like he sees me everyday wont leave my mind. and the way hes been talking to me lately. yday I BEGGED him to stop being like this and he said he would. then he hung up and wouldn't call me back. did that 3 times yday. that's three times he said he [romised and broke it. then that night I called him and was trying to talk to him and he didn't respond so I hung up cause I thought he fell asleep. then I called him back and he didn't! he just took too long to respind? sounded like he was high as fuck. but whatever. he wasn't even going to call me back. idk who he is anymore. honestly like..the change that took place over a week. I can understand hell never put me before bodybuilding but now weed? drugs I should've known it would be the end of us. he has to anser every phone call make every sale. he said things would be goo today and he lied. then like we got off the phone and I told em the convo waasnt going well anyway cause it wasn't. I said do you treat all your gfs like this? and he saud no! and I was like so bitches in the past you treated them better? and he said all relationships are diffnerent. I was fine but as im typing this t all comes back and im crying again. its like all my nightmares came true. he was probably so fucking good to brooke. I mea  now were just right back to he just doesn't like me that mucha nd I REALLY THOUGHT HE ID. wehad gotten so close and come so far but he has been the biggest dick to me all week and I barely remember this new person it hought he was. cause this is the same person I dealt with in the past. I literally do not want to see him. at all. ever really. I wanted him to make today better like he always does but I don't fucking believe a word that comes out of hismouth. everything he says just hurts me. he hasn't been sweet to me one bit we haven't been clicking like we normally do half the time unless its in the morning I feel like hes barely coherent. and he just...doesn't need me I guess. I wish I didn't have to do the same show as him. I wish I could erase him from my life and never have to see him again if I didn't want to. like...I wanted to get a dress and bunny ears and have a good day. now im going to be here all day either in the bed crying with a headache or just studying and watching tv right now im thinking ill be going back to the bed. I blocked him. idk. normally he wouldn't let this happen but he just thinks I complain all the time. had the nerve to say he didn sign up for this which is why he was hesitant in the first place? youre an asshole. hes an asshole. all week ive probably worked out twice. ive struggled to get through the day. because I gave him my heart and he was wreckless and I have to get as far away from his as possible or I wont make my show. I mean working out was the only thing I got to do that I njoy. now I don't evenw at to to that. I guess the lesson is no matter how he may seem like hes changed or is on his best behavior no matter what at some point it will go back to this. cause this is his natural state of being. he'll never love me. hell never truly care about me. today he told me he didn't even want kids. like..he was just so cold to me this week its like I been dealing with a stranger. I can barely remember but I was so happy just a week ago. SO happy. we had such a good time. all week we were like miss you miss you he likes all my pics we were doing SO good. but theres a sife of him that I cant be with. and I am so so hurt and very sad and still like I mean in my mind im like its only 1 o clock maybe hell call me when he gets off maybe hell regret everything and feel bad and want to be with me and salvage this day. all week hes been telling me he wants me to come over even this morning. like.....now things are just voer though I broke up with him. but I guess its just so hard to believe that im really going to spend this day locked up in my apartment with my cats. I mean...idk id rather be here than there in all honestly I had a bad feeling about today all week. I am just all out of sorts and off focus from going over there and driving and having to pack all my stuff and never being here. I am looking forwatd to being back in a routine and never having to be around fucking weed. like im starting to hate it. I actually would really like a boyfriend who doesn't smoke. cause im just over what it does to people. I want someone who is above the influence like me cause it changes people and it hurts me. and im over it. like. this was so unnecessary when I tell you we were doing good, we were. and then he started lying. breaking promises. im so livid and disgusted with him. I don't want to see him at all. I just wish...I wish he hadn't done this. that's all. but like..im not who I was. I don't NEED to be with him at all costs. I don't see good in him that cant be replaced. I don't remember what it s I saw that I was so preoccupied with and now that im closer to him I know hes not that great of a person not like I thought and without me he nevr will be. hes not going to get better hes going to get worse. and he will be fine but he will be an asshole. but if it doesn't affect him it doesn't matter. that's his mindset. im sick to death of every fuking thing being so complicated if he wasn't fucking dealing drugs 24.7 we  could definitely be together. this was his choice. he cant have balance in anything. I hate him for doing this. for choosing drug dealing over me for choosing to be chris. like..man, hes so amazing when hes sober and not doing this. so depressing :( I miss quality time I miss snuggling I miss having any kind of fucking say. today is EASTER. its A HOLIDAY. and im spending it alone cause im too depressed to leave the house and it honestly feels like nothing matters. im going to study but right now I need to pee and just go back to the bed and cry a little bit. I have a headache and just generally feel shitty. :( God help me recover from this.