last night went great BUT

Idk. we go well together. idk why this bothers me so much i guess its just not what Im used to. he does NOT want to be facebook official. but he considers me he gf, i clearly consider him my bf. we do so much together. i told him all of this today. yesterday went great he liked everything. i freaking love being with him. as usual. we had a lot of sex. yesterday 4 times and 3 times today and i used the dickaliscious and swallowed lol and i used to vibrating penis ring. it didnt work 100% as well as it did in the past like sometimes you couldnt feel the vibration but im pretty sure he liked it. he said he did. he wasnt obsessed but he liked it. idk. i think these next couple weeks of me prepping i need to be a little self centered and kind of distance myself from him and focus on me and all the things im doing and like get back centered cause i have been like..distracted by him for a long time its definitely thrown off my prep. he makes me happy but he will never make his whole life about me so i shouldnt do that. and when he left today mostly i felt dead tired but like...idk i just always feel like i like him WAY more than he likes me and im sick of feeling like that the only thing i can think to do is like him less. i think i just need to gain some perspective. idk how im supposed to get more collateral like i said i have a little bit but not a lot. i think i need to never mention titles or fbo or anything ever again because he seems to function better when you dont ask. last night i almost cried. caus like idk i just really thought he would be down for it at this point and sometimes i feel like he doesnt appreciate me. sometimes it feels like this is just a game we're playing and it can't go on :( but gah i would hate that SO much. i think ive just lost myself a little and my confidence is kinda down so i put him on a pedistal. i got all my feelings out today instead of last night he says he isnt saying itll never happen..but he did say like i do have the title. hes just so weird when it comes to all of this. the way he acts says one thing but i still feel like im paying for the mistakes of the past. i just really wish i meant more to him cause right now i just feel like i dont have 100% of him. and it feels like shit. im so good to him. i mean agfter all that you couldnt just change your fb status? i kinda feel like...idk i just wanna like not freaking talk to him for a while like..idk what to do. i did tell em yesterday i feel like he rhinks he has me wrapped around his finger but i can unspoil him real quick and he was like nooooo. lol and i told em i feel like he just thinks he could so easily just live without me. like whatever ya know? but he said he can't. idk. at breakfast he told me he does take steroids. im excited because hes going to let me give him the shot in his ass lol and hes going to be all agressive. september 30th :) but anyway yea i really really like him idk why but it just doesnt feel real sometimes i feel like im in too deep and hes not but he should be! im not going to feel comfortable until i feel like we're on the samee page which i dont. i really think its his age. i know 23 will be a totally different thing. but anyway yea so also his friend chris is a drug dealer? and pays for everything for the new apt and pays him. which i guess is fine. um hes been to jail. blah idc. i just..want to get closer to him. but i need to get in a better mental state with myself. im in a battle right now mentally questioning what i get out of our relationship emotionally. in mean ...idk i really really like him and i want to be around him. and i get a partner in crime to do stuff with and i have a sex life now. he doesnt leave me empty handed much. idk. he does make me happy for the most part i just need to not be dependent on himand get MY life back. i mean as far as prep and work goes i think i was better before him. i been struggling way more with everything since he came so some time apart is probably needed. i just hate like i need to un-feel how i feel. cause i cant tell em and it hurts to keep it all in and last night he told me he feels like i dont really know him very well. and that like he actually is very emotinal (which i dont believe) but i really just feel like hes felt so much for so many girls and he just doesnt feel it for me and i feel like im going to end up getting rejected and hurt. i just need to get back to a place where i feel like a guy is lucky to have me and i dont need them. which is the truth he is VERY lucky to have me. very. but i FEEL lucky to have him i just like him so much. i need to back off because i need to like myself more than i like him or its not going to go anywhere. ive become more self conscious. i dont feel like im on my game right now especially my body. im not doing things for me that im supposed to do i put him first which i shouldnt. i mean i dont need to be staring at my phone all day at work. i dont need to be like wanting to see him all the time and not going to school and shit. i mean i feel shitty right now because hes going to college station and all this blah. im not worried about what hes doing idc. its not a big deal. but like...idk i KINDA wish he had invited me he knows im off tomorrow and i feel like if he really liked me he would have. thought he might invite me to meet his family today. didnt. thought he might make it fbo this weekend, didnt. i feel realy crappy right now honestly. i just feel like hes not contributing a whole lot and doesnt seem to like..idk october should be better. i had a good feeling i dont have anymore but like theres halloween and the renaissance festival. i think the weekend concert is next weekend he invited me to go idk if hes going to remember i dont really care about the weekend. but i would want to go it sounds fun. im just feeling suuuuper self conscious right now. which is me not him. i dont want to ruin a good thing i mean minus me being self conscious which is not his fault it wouldnt be bad. i mean i feel like he thinks im boring cause like i dont do anything and i dont seem to have as many friends as he has but i choose to be this way and i dont want to change it. and i asked him if he gets bored of me and apparently he doesnt. he hasnt SAID any of these things to me. so i am making assumptions. i mean idk. ive let myself get kind of down and like i said i put him on the pedistal. but i mean i have accomplished a loot more than he has at this point no one pays for my shit. out of the two of us i think im the hotter one. although in my mind hes the hottest guy on the planet. but like i mean i just need to get back into my life, what interests me, and remind myself of my goals and not let him get in the way. which he has. i have to choose. he'll be there. and the fun stuff comes after my show. so i can put him on the backburner for a while he wont ..idk. i just feel like he has a lot more going on than i do....but he doesnt. i need a break. i need a break from corey. break from facebook. break from everything to get my mind where it needs to be. i think i'll turn my phone off til i need it to workout tomorrow. i dont need it right now. anyway..i mean im the catch here. im the beautiful smart one with the body and the accomplishments and her own busness. i pay for all my own shit. i make friends everywhere i go everybody likes me. ive got a great personality and a very bright future im in school. im saying these things but i dont believe them right now. definitely time to whip out the books and do some soul searching. and if hes not helping he doesnt HAVE to be around. i personally am tired of like pampering him and obsessing over him when he doesnt do it for me and he doesnt seem to reciprocate he just lets me annnd idk. it's stupid after all ive done for him he cant just..do one thing. i dont want to make a big deal. to lose him would be horrible and id feel stupid later if it was over facebook. but like..i dont want to be the one courting him anymore im done its about me. i want him to care and if he doesn't its going to break my heart but i have to let him go because i want someone that loves me passionately and cant live without me. its early so if he can get there great but like...idk. :( I hope this works out gah i havent liked someone like this in so long we just work. sometimes i feel like im playing house but i mean..the feelings are there im just sick of being so unsure about his. i guess ill give it more time. at my show it'll have been two months. whats he got to say then. at that point if i have to end it i will. im not going to end it now while things are going well i got time and something with him is definitely better than nothing. everything with us is good. and fun. i just love everything about him. i guess he doesnt necessarily have a chance to feel that way about me because my confidence is down. and its got to get back up. period. so yea time to myself... to regroup. focus on me. and yea ill get back to him. he'll be okay. i gotta get to where im 100% okay without him. and then ill be happier and a lot safer. i just gotta say like to breakup now and see eachother at the show....that would BREAK my heart. i mean...just being around him and us not being us....he just..im falling for this kid and it sucks. but he cant fall for me if im not being myself and if im being all insecure. he told me brook told him she loved him extra early and he didnt tell her back but he stayed with her. and then he told her later. i dont want to be the girl likes him more than he likes me. i want my own life and my own goals and my own things that go on without him. so i gotta get back to that place. gotta get back to me. ill get my books out. and start working on me in this time i have and when i feel like im recovered and back to myself ill you know...get back to him. i kind of want to take these two days and keep my phone off the whole time. well i need it for music at the gym but i could keep it on airplane mode. that would be a true vacation. a true escape for ONCE for me to get stuff done and get back to a good place. right now what i care about is the show. im not getting up there looking shitty i want to impress. my butt is not where i want it but my main weakness is my stomach at this point. i need to lose about 5 more pounds of solid fat. if i do my two hours of cardio and my workouts i should be burning 1400 calories a day. Do that 6 times a week for 3 weeks and I could lose 7.1 pounds which would be optimal. i can't afford cheat meals but if i do it has to be like from fruit or some extra nuts. mostly i need to just chew my gum. its 25 days. i can do 25 days. even if i have to get through each one individual and say 24 more to go 23 more to go. i havent shown anyone any discipline or true care even myself so its time starting tomorrow to WAKE UP do the cardio PERIOD. do whatever else im supposed to do. focus on being wherei am when im there and honestly i wont have a lot of time to be worried about him. its only 4 weeks. 4 weeks for me to refind myself and get my confidence back and get back into my routine and 4 weeks for him to...idk. do whatever. and figure out if he gives a shit or not. and he just better be with me to support me. my suit is coming in next week which is so exciting thank the Lord that'll be very motivating i have to put it on everyday and practice my posing. probably two weeks out ill start really practicing my posing. but yea....idk. its time for me to regroup and get my head together and also like ive made him the #1 man in my life when we all know whot hats supposed to be. no wonder ive been off. God take me back into your arms and help me regain myself and re-center and move forward. i dont want to live for him I want to livefor you and have my own life not just be a part of his thats not what im here for. i love you thank you for being there for me and always reining me back in!