its always up and down

so update from last time i actually tried to break up with him because he just makes me feel like im too serious and its crazy how much i have to hold back. and i was sad but i knew i had to let em go. but he wouldnt let me he didnt want to he shocked the shit out of me i mean he just...its like he hides how he feels so well. but what he said and how he started acting made me feel a lot better. like all of a sudden he was wanting to spend all this time with me and invite me places and just...idk. i thought it was going to be over but it got way better and for once i knew officially that we were a couple and i love ittt. well now..idk why just over night it changes. i mean i can tell his feelings are deepening. just like the main thing is the sex cause i have known for quite some time now that i was falling for him but i didnt know if we were on the same page i think we are as long as no one says it. but like yea idk.....i looked at a list of ways to tell if a guy is falling for you and one was the sex. ever since then ive started to notice and especially last night idk its just different. they said it perfect when you have sex its wham bam thank you maam its uninvolved but when you make love you can practically feel their soul. when he kisses me its pretty intimate its always been that way he kisses me a lot more now. (heres the article http://allwomenstalk.com/12-signs-hes-falling-in-love-with-you/2/) i mean back in the day we had great sex. a lot. but now...idk he goes slower. not slow but slower. it feels better. a lot better. he looks at me like i always look at him cause i fucking love his sexy ass fucking face. but like now he just the way he looks at me. and he smiles. and it just feels like more its like way more intimate i remember thinking that last time cause it was just more contact ya know. and he was kissing me more during. but this time even when we were off the side of the bed which is the best position ever like he laid on top of me ya know and was kissing me and going kind of slow which just normally isnt his style, the whole time im with him its like he just touches my freaking face and i melt. i mean that deep breath feels so good and i mean i love making out with him but its like the pecks are even better? i mean mmmmm. its like all these freaking sparks his lips are so damn soft and i just like ..idk how to explain it but theres a lot there when we kiss its never just mwah and done. idk man idk how he lives like this i pray that one day he will feel enough and it will overtake him and just burst out because i am like....DYING holding all this in it SUCKS. i really didnt want this to happen so soon im not 100% sure so it may not be true but when were like kissing or when im just laying on his chest in my mind im just saying i love you i love you i love you FUCK i wish he felt the same and i know i have to hold it in which SUCKS cause i wanna say it so bad but i really dont. i want to HEAR it. and i probably wont til like christmas if that. i just cant see him falling for me hes just so like..restrained ya know he just is able to hide everything or like not feel FUCK IDK BUT IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. other things that drive me crazy. how he thinks he knows everything about competing and i feel like eventually him being way more serious about it than me might be an issue. but yea ugh on that. he likes to argue about stupid things sometimes which annoys the fuck out of me. hes always judging me as far as that does and that annoys me. im tired as fuck i wanna lay back down im supposed to be going to the gym i cant even finish typing.