Im an idiot. a good hearted idiot

Of course. I texted him. aeric is transferring stores and I was upset. and I thought about him all day so when I got in the car to leave work I texted him about it. I missed him so much. I know talking to him right now is just going to make things worse and remind me hes still the same horrible person he was 5 days ago. I cant be strong enough or the person I need to be for him to value me. he just should. but he wont. I know we wont get another chance. and im going to have to go through this and deal with the pain  no matter what. cause the devil has a strong hold on him and hes not letting go. and if he cared about me he would've texted me before now. he didn't even text me this time. he obviously doesn't miss me. I need to end the convo as soon as possible before I get hurt even worse. God Im so sorry. I just wanted to talk to him. I miss hhim so much and it is so hard going through the week without talking to him. I love my life theres nothing missing from it I wouldn't change anything. I just...I had my dream guy and he has turned into a nightmare and I miss the person I fell for. but he is so heartless and dead inside. and he has no feelings for me. Please help me and just carry me away because im just nnot strong enough to do this myself. when I love I love hard and I don't let go and I feel like this is never going to end. me and him are over but im just going to keep hurting and keep holding on. I hate that about myself I hate that I do that. I need to focus and let him go. God help me. I cant. idk what to do. I do know what to do but regardless of what I do I just feel....crappy. why couldn't he miss me. why couldn't he cry?? why couldn't he ever value me how did I let myself see any good in this person and why do I still see it when will I wakeup and realize life is not a fucking fairy tale I haven't ever gotten one fairy tale ending ever not one time it always ends in tragedy. and I still just...maybe its my coping mechanism. I could cry so hard. for so long. cause it hurts so much I miss him. and it sjust little weak me. looking stupid. talking to him. never just staying away boosting his already monstrous head. he would've never come after me. God help me. I was wrong and now im just.. paying for it. after we got done talking about aeric I said "how bout you? how are you? I try not to worry." and this motherfucker says "now why would you worry lol im pretty good though. just focusing on the show working a lot. how are you?" How could he laugh why doesn't he see it God I want him to stop selling drugs so bad!!!! what I said meant nothing to him God I was right in what I said he has sunk down to the deepest scum! omg. how does he sleep. he feels no fucking remorse he doesn't plan on apologizing how did I get myself involved with someone so horrible God please help me. he laughed.....BECAUSE YOU SELL DRUGS YOU IDIOT. BECAUSE YOUVE SOLD YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL. I guess there is nothing to worry about. hes happy. :( hes happy. God help me. im over here writing freaking novels every day and every night waking up and going to bed thinking about him and he is happy. I believe in you Go I want you to k now that I don't know when o how but I know by some kind of miracle youre going to pull me out of this hole ive gotten myself into and I want to again apologize from the bottom of my heart for getting myself into it. and everytime you get me out I jump right back in I really am so sorry God. I know im weak. but I have a really really good heart and I promise unlike him I will be of use to you one day. I really am sorry. I guess its good that I texted im. I needed to be reminded what im dealing with. this is not sweet corey that thinks about me all the time and misses me and texts me and wants to be with me. this is the real corey. the asshole. who is so obsessed with money and the mirror I porobably haven't even crossed his mind. I just deleied the texts im not answering him. all this time he hasn't said a word. hasn't apologized. hasn't checked on me. and hes just been going on with his life. man. itll take a miracle but I know youll catrry me to a better place and away from this person God. one day I wont hurt anymore its hard to believe but I do. im gunna go plug this stupi pone up. and im over here thinking oh im not texting back to that. and that he would even notice. please. he'll go right back to his perfect sin infested life. God help me focus please. ii really want to just go to bed.