madeup but idk if were together.. WHY I CANT BE WITHOUT HIM

idk how all this happened. last week was great wed gotten really good at communicating. he came over sunday and when he left i was very happy. then he bailed on me wednesday in a super rude way and dint even apologize but whatever. then saturday bailed on me again and pretended not to have his phone but was basically ignoring me because he didnt think he could give me what i deserve? we found this out later.. so i sent him a breakup message via fb. then he texted me finally but dustyn read it not me and i just broke down all day cause i felt like he didnt want me i mean why would you ignore me and why didnt you want to see me? i still want to know and i still feel like the way he treated me last week was wrong but the biggest thing i learned while we were broken up which we still may be. idk. all i knew was that i wanted to be with him more than anything even if we're not officially together him not being in my life and us not talking at all is not okay i was more depressed than i have been in a really long time. but i prayed and prayed and begged and begged and he finally agreed to talk to me after his workout. then four hours later he texted me saying that his bosses were there thats why he couldnt text me super long and i texted him back something funny and then it was like old friends right back at it like nothing ever went wrong. idk. my main concern was getting through the week and i reqally wanted him with me over the weekend. so anyway further into the convo we talked about him moving etc and i said thank you for talking to me by the way i really do just miss you thats all. im excited for this to be over cause i miss my normal self too. and he basically said he knows im emotionally and saturday is so close and he misses me too and i asked him if hed be with me this weekend and he said of course and i went into detail to make sure he knew i meant friday night, and saturday day and night and he was agreeing to everything. so yay. all of a sudden there was sun in my sky. idk. it taught me a lot i can say i think he got comofrtable which i do but i also did too just thinking i could just let loose and him still stick around just cause hes been so patient in the past. and like breaking up with him i wont do that again. hes the one i want i dont want someone else i want to keep him and i'll do what i have to to make that happen. sometimes i ask myself and hell he asks me why i put up with him or why i like him so much why am i with him. now i know. heres a list to remind myself 1)hes so gorgeous, i never been more physically attracted to anyone 2)hes got similar goals as me and is serious about fitness and knows alot 3)the sex is GREAT and hes a wonderful kisser 4)he spends quality time with me, would drive all the way over her to see me just to lay around and watch tv and talk. we did the same thing every single time for two months and he never got bored 5)he is THE MOST SUPPORTIVE bf ive ever had, always encourages me, always believes in me and makes sure to like every facebook status and all my pictures 6)lets me take as many pics as i want of him and us and post them everywhere and tag him 7)hes down for whatever wanting to go places with me and do things with me 8)hes not super white but is almost mixed like me personality wise 9)gets along with everybody and is friendly and nice when i introduce him 10)touches my face when he kisses me 11)says sweet things every now and then that mean more than if anyone else were to say anything even if it were ten times sweeter 12)the ONLY person known to man who can make me feel better in the middle of a breakdown 13)the only person known to man who doesnt think im crazy and allllways forgives me for my breakdowns 14)he is a gentlemen, always holds the door. takes out my trash and litter etc. 15)took me on multiple dates never makes me pay for shit 16)lets me gush about marriage and children even though it scares him he still lets me talk about my dreams and doesnt crush them 17)is usually always positive ut stil will let me complain and complains sometimes himself 18)tells me everything and makes me feel included 19)lets me baby him 20)babies me when i need it, actually cares about my wellbeing- CARRIED ME TO THE KITCHEN WHEN I WAS HUNGRY, SAT ME ON THE COUNTER, COOKED MY FOOD FOR ME, CARRIED ME BACK TO THE BED AND BROUGHT IT TO ME. fucking sweetheart. 21)used the term power couple. lol 22)is open and accepting of gay people 23)lets me have friends and my own life and is never controlling or mean 24)likes cats! 25)is usually pretty apologetic if he messes up, fights to keep me around 26)hes aggressive and its sexy as hell 27)he makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world and when we're together everything disappears and its just us his mentality about fitness annoys me but i get it. he can be argumentative. his name kinda sucks. he doesnt really have a big plan for a career. hes super finnicky about commitment and marriage and kids but i do not care. hes not a scumbag. i feel lik,e hes a diamond in the rough. i dont want to break up with him and go find someone else. in the beginning he was great to me i think he just functions well when he feels free which is understandable so from now on, im going to do things differently. ill do whatever i have to to keep him and i think he just needs space and less pressure. so im goin g to focus on me, have my own life going on. stop inititating conversations, let him text me, stop inititating affection cause i think he will be somewhwta more affectionate and aggressive if i let him. so im just going to relax, work on myself and being complete without him and not depending on him so much. put my dependence back on God. Whn Im me, confident me with her crap together, im way more appealing. i like that me better but i will have to remember that he still stayed by me even when i was in this unattractive state. i just texted him good night ina non affectionate way but thatll be the last. cause he moved today i know hes been real busy. idk if hell texxt back or not. who knows. i really dont care if we talk all week as lon g as hes with me this weekend ill be okay. i think its going to be awesome. practiced my posing in horrible lighting for my coaches today and it actually HELPED my confidence cause i look good i think i might have a shot all this hard work and horrible dieting has really helped. and i think it will pay off i really want top 5. but we'll see! diet is going to be key up until the show. time to get serious its only..3 days away. im excikted. and i thin k this is going to be great for our relationship for many reasons. 1)we'll get to be together all weekend 2)it will be in our favorite arena and a social environment so we;ll get practice being a power couple lol 3)im going to be fit and fine and all dolled up so it will be a reminder to him how attractive i am 4)im goin g to be getting a lot of positive attention and popularity is always attractive hes going to feel lucky to be with ME for once 5)if i place he'll be really proud of me.; plus i just feel like seeing me on stage is going to reignite the flame a little bit 6) we'll get to go out with heather and sean and socialize and dance maybe whatever have fun 7)he'll be meeting sandra and my cousins and dustyn 8)garrisen will be there and have more access to me than him which i think might be a positive cause it might make him a little jealous and show him that he cares more than he thought he did 9)when we see eachother it will have been for the first time in 2 weeks and he hasnt been on my fb apparently basically hes going to be seeing me for the first time in a long time and im goin g to be looking the best hes ever seen me so it will be like falling all over again mainly im going to be confident and gorg and eating up the spotlight and for once he'll realize HES the lucky one and im pretty sure lots of people will be there to tell him that. im excited thank you so much God for answering my prayers. i know this probably doesnt mean that much to you, you just did it because you know it means the world to me. this is the person i want to be with. i remember asking erica how do you know you want to marry someone and she said when you cant picture your life without them and thats how i feel with corey. i dont love him. my walls are up a litte bit at this point which is probably good cause i have some perspective and can get him reinterested and keep it interesting. and we can grow together without me being desperate etc. like i can see myself falling for him though. right now its come to a hault because i dont fully trust him BUT i will say.....ive done a lot of shit i probably wouldnt want to deal with from a guy. unless i really liked him. so he must really like me too. hes just scared and do9esnt want to go slo fast and honestly im fine with that. im just happy to have him and i want to keep him.