Things are good I think

I really do think things might be okay. idk after we had our big blowout and made up to be friends things kind of changed. ive been honest with him about how i feel about the situation i told him we're not together and i dont want to be with someone that doesnt want to be with me and isnt proud of me enough to change their fb status and like that if some nice guy comes along then im not going to give him the "its complicated." he's still like kind of asshole-y like he picks on me a lot but its not as bad i think this just might be his personality but lately i get the feeling he does care if i stay or go like he would notice. when i went over there last night it was chris i saw first i just came in and we talked for a while and he gave me a hug :) made me feel special i think he said i need to come over more. so i know he likes me which feels good. all my friends hate corey. ahha well no not all. but yea none of them just like him. only aeric. but like i told him everyone at work blah blah how they feel and how aeric was saying he was TRYING and he was like 'see aerics on my side' so maybe he IS trying? he doesnt see us as friends with benefits. and he does care what i do. like it would bother him if i was with someone else in any other way. we talked about it. and he told me he wouldnt do anything with anyone else at all because "we're talking" so i guess we are working on things? just the way he acts like yday i dont remember what he said probably some racial shit lol but i was like fuck u bro via text and he goes woahh youre not coming over anymore and then i was like fine ill go to the movie with someone else and let them have the tamales i made you and chris and he was like nooo ok i lied you can come over lol and i was like thought so :) and he sent a smiley face back! yday i had like the anxiety again cause he wouldnt text me back all damn day and i just told him the truth and that if he didnt want to go with me just dont and he just laughed and said he was taking a nap. so i did go over there. got all pretty for thor lol he told me i looked good. and that i smelled good as usual. then like idk he just gives me a lot of attention when im over there and we talk about things. it helps because were both like honest i feel like we're getting back to where we're being ourselves and i just tell him how i feel and i think he legitimately feels bad about how he treated me and he wants to like keep me around. even if we're not together ya know i mean like i said im not going to turn down prince charming and if he doesnt like change things and make a move and make me his girlfriend and change that facebook status before that time comes its his loss but for now im okay with working on things. he's in a vulnurable place ya know like not that positive of a place though he's holding up pretty well. being jobless and broke i know he feels crappy but i dont mind. i mean thats just really not whats important honestly. last night i remember thinking like because sometimes when we have sex like he doesnt really...finish anymore its weird its like he quits in the middle and i usually just give him head til he nuts but like i like it better when he just does it til he nuts then we're good. last night i was thinking wow now even the sex isnt as good as it was he's losing me. idk. we'll see. i told him today i feel a lot better now that im not like obsessed with him. it just feels better on my end i told him he brought me down a LOT of notches. he knows he messed up. as of now i mean...idk where we're gunna go from here. no the passion isnt necessarily there like it was. well sometimes. i still feel it sometimes. its really cause my guard is up im no longer just like oh hell yea lets free fall no im being very cautious and its working. i can see him start to value me more. when he gives me crap i give it right back. today i was hassling him about the condom boxes right in front of chris and he didnt say anything. i dont want to .like clown him or treat him bad. but i am starting to feel like i have some collateral. he like wanted me to fold his clothes this time so i did and we sat there and talked while i did it. i did leave earlier than last time cause of chris but its good cause ill have the whole day now. i did want to stay with him though i wont lie. but yea i just kept my cool. i feel a lot more confident now. maybe this is good. while we were talking he said like he doesnt know what he did to himself to get him the way he is and i just told him like i still hope a little that maybe ya know maybe things will get better that maybe everything ive been through and dealt with will be worth it. and one day he'll just wake up and just..wakeup. and he was like things are going good though arent they things are good when we're together? and it was just like..now sometimes i hear him kind of sounding like me ya know? i really want us to get back to the place where we're like a little more affectionate and sweet to eachother like we used to be. now im starting to feel like maybe we can. maybe he is in the cards for me maybe this is God's will. who knows ya know? but i dont think its a fling. i can see us together. and i can see us together for a long time. christmas is in a month and a half i wonder what we're gunna be by then. if he would let us be facebook official that would mean a lot though not as much as it wouldve in the past. i like this better. feeling less. cause i mean i can control it. if i want to feel more i can. but once i feel too much its hard to feel less so im happy where i am. but yea like..idk we're not in the roller coaster phase which is not what im used to i don't feel a lot but i still have feelings for him. i think this is good for us maybe we're going to be okay like i actually have a feeling of peace when it comes to him. like i finally feel like he's starting to get it. and i mean i'm not depserate im in no hurry. last time i was over i told him the lie about my two suppsoed friends mark and ashley and how mark is going to tell ashley he loves her and was wanting to know what to get her for christmas so today i told him he was going to take her to the aquarium and ride her on the horse drawn carriage and he was like wow you can do that? thats really cool. so like idk. i was trying to give him ideas lol God please help him find a job that pays well that he likes i know he's not happy just sitting around. and thank you for whatever this is I'll go with it and trust you because i didnt make this happen. maybe its meant to be. today he actually said like..that we were meant to be haha but he was joking. i was like you dont believe that. you cant even say it with a straight face. but idk. maybe part of him did. or maybe he was mocking me. hell idk. but it seemed like somewhere in him hes considering the possibility. he told me he doesnt think i look good with a black boy lol that he doesnt like it haha. and i was talking about how huge the next guy would have to be ha. anyway okay i need to go workout. i really want to get in amazing shape and start building my fitness career so maybe i wont have to work at vitamin shoppe forever. lol and becaUSE its fun and i want an amazing body. time to get this diet tight and be creative prepping for this shoot on thursday. probably gunna go to the mall today and like target, marshalls, etc trying to put stuff together to wear. im just going to pick like...4 or 5 looks and try to knock them out in 2 hours. gotta get this body ready :) k bye