First good day in a long time

Amazing to be exact. well yday I texted Corey basically..idk why in the morning i did it because my period didnt come and i asked em to pray then when i sent em a pic of the negative test he didnt respond. but after that i sent em a message just saying like i wish he wouldve told me this whole time the reason he didnt want to be with me was because he just didnt like me. like why didnt he tell me at his house. i believed he did because he acted like he did like he led me on i wasnt just being stupid. and i know he can get any girl he wants but im the one that appreciates him for his heart and who he is not just looks body and his looks. and i wouldve been long gone had i know i was the reason for his unhappiness. that i only ever wanted to make him happy and he made me feel SO stupid. that he really hurt my feelings. and that we couldve been good friends but i dont want to be friends with someone who thinks so little of me. and he messaged me back saying that he didnt think little of me at all that it was just hard the way i came off in his room he was speechless and sometimes hes too nice and doesnt say what he needs to. he didnt know what to do about the sitatuion and he knows hes the reason for everything and all the stress it caused me and that he'd love to be my friend and hes sorry for everything. and i sent him something heartfelt and he sent something heartfelt back basically saying we'd be here for eachother and always think the highest of eachother no matter what. i was happy for a while but i think i just did it because i wanted to stay close to him. i was thinking we'd still hangout and talk all the time just not have any physical relations. but when i asked em if he still wanted to go see thor next weekend he said i was crazy and asked if it would be weird? i told em no as long as were both single its fine cause we hungout forever before we ever did anything. but he was like "ok that makes sense im fine with that" and im like..youre fine. so im still like...hes still just LETTING me like..be around him etc. its like..im just sick of it. HE DOESNT LIKE ME. ya know? just...idk. in my heart i still vividly remember when he did. and i dont know what just shut that down. i know it was mostly me like..suffocating him to death. i just...got in way too deep ...way too quick. i didnt let it develop. honestly i still..have hope in my heart because i feel like if i truly leave him completely alone for like a full month (which will be going against my nature completely but i have to learn sometime) that we will both have time to like..forget about all the bad stuff. i wont be so sensitive. ill have my confidence back. not give a fuck what he thinks and just be my damn self. i miss that me. and he'll have time to just..forget about my clinging and crying and being dependent. and just remember the good stuff. maybe he'll see my pics on fb and that im doing good and just..idk remember the good about me. ill have to decide whether i want to reach out or not. i mean...i dont want to go back to the same old thing. i already talked to God. i told myself i wouldnt text Corey today but i did. Nicole Wilkins made a post that made me think of him so i sent it to him saying "made me think of the most dedicated person i know" and it took him four hours to respond so i was kind of pissed off. and before he responded I told God its so freaking hard for me to let him go because i dont want him to forget about me and move on and ive never met anyone like him. But I want God to know I value his wants over mine and I trust him with everything and i have to stop being a control freak and completely let go. and let him have the wheel. so that i mean if he wants us together nothing can tear us apart not even Corey. but if he doesnt..I pray he at least lets me move on first. But that means I have to stop puppeteering once and for all even if i want to. No texting him. at all. unless i see a murderer entering his house there is no reason for me to text him WHATSOEVER. i need to cut him off. cause if it was just a friend i wouldve been cut him off. its time for me to stop thinking with my heart and think clearly. doesnt matter his potential it matters like..reality. what he consistently does. and right now he consistently lets me down. my only hope for a happy ending...be it me by myself just at peace and happy again or us getting back together or at least trying to. idk. my ONLY hope is to put it in Gods hands and just back off completely. i gotta give the boy space. i mean even with BJ that one time he cut me off completely..when i finally let me alone he came back. he had to see me so it was easier and he loved me so it was almost inevitable BUT still. it happened with Tyree too. time heals. im just scared that he didnt mean what he said he said he cant be in a relationship right now he would end up hurting me in the end no matter what. so i know he has NO intentions of us ever being together again. but..idk. the feelings were there. he told his mom about me. and he still loves to be around me. maybe he just needs space. and if i completely act like i dont want him for a while and get my stuff together. i also think...the thing was he liked ME. confident, independent, the real me. when i started changing and making my whole life about him is when the feelings changed. so if i get back to me, with a stronger dfoundation in GOD instead of my confidence coming from a boy....maybe the feelings will return. if they were ever there...and i didnt do him wrong at all...and we are on good terms...they could come back. but i have to completely let go. i can't do this thinking its another way to control things because thats backhanding my word to God. I gotta try my best to forget about him. focus on God, me, and my other obligations. being a better person and cherishing every day. i want to grow from this so it doesnt happen again. i want to love myself more than any man in this world and only put family and God above that. so everyday Im telling myself GOD made you beautiful. GOD made you smart. GOD made you talented. GOD made you a good person. GOD created you for a purpose. GOD gave you value in your SPIRIT and NO ONE can ever take that from you. YOU ARE GORGEOUS INSIDE AND OUT. HUMANS are your equals. Only GOD is above you. and you have NO ONE to impress but HIM. i have to remember this and say this to myself everyday until i believe it with my heart and soul. if Im seeking him everyday, i wont be distracted or possessed by other random crap that pulls me off the path and if me being closer to him pushes me away from ANYONE they dont need to be in my life. period. but yea today...i woke up feeling crappy. cried a LITTLE this morning but not much. Work was boring at first and I wasnt in the best mood but I was nice to customers as I have been since me and Kelly had that talk. I dont necessarily pretend to be happy when Im not. But I just try to help them as much as i can and be nice to them. because its not their problem and i have the power to either help or hurt given to me by God I need to use it to help. but yea then idk..customers were being awesome i won over this one couple that made me feel so good and they said they loved me and would always ask for me. and then this other lady was waiting for me to be done with them and they all stood their praising me and aeric was like isnt she amazing. it made me feel SO good. the day went by so fast we laughed we had fun. the main thing was around noon one of my sexi in 60 clients posted pics in the group and man....i was so proud and it just reminded me i do have a purpose to get up there are people im really helping im GOOD AT SOMETHING and i mean i was so happy. i didnt think about Corey for hours and it really felt so good cause its been months since I went any time without thinking about him. Ive thought about him in everything I do but i forgot i have a purpose here i have a contribution to make to this world. my purpose is NOT to worship a boy and God Im so sorry I ever did i didnt mean to but it shows me that like i said my foundation was faulty. my thoughts of myself and my value and my confidence waiver with the wind because theyre rooted in PEOPLE and people waiver with the wind. if I plant my dreams and hopes and my image of myself in God who loves me and will never ever waiver, then I wont be so ...insecure ever. I gotta hold my head up and realize who i am. God created me to be a queen. and the person whos going to be with me has to be a king and a king will know a queen when he sees one. thats the best quote ever lol anyway. yea...so today was a big step. i feel GOOD. and at peace. for the first time in months. and like i said...it would make me so happy to be with Corey. though I wouldnt be surprised if after all of this my feelings faded a lot but that would be fantastic because then he wouldnt have any power over me and i could make good decisions. when im myself...this doesnt happen. boys are puddy in my hands as they should be when i treat them like suitors..as they should be. so idk it may not be over forever. but for now it is. and i accept and embrace that it NEEDS to be. we both just...have stuff to work on. i told em neither of us needs to be in a relationship right now. im going to throw away my strings, give them back to God and be his puppet and let him steer me where I need to be and he'll lead me to my king. im more than open to the possibility that it isnt Corey. i mean if we were to talk again things would have to be different. hed have to try harder than hes probably willing to but feelings control what we do so if his feelings return i have a FEELING hell be different. this was necessary. i had to get my heart broken. to build me into a stronger person. and ill attract better people. maybe at the end of the month ill hit him up cause i know without me we wont talk at all. i mean if he texts me next week like hey still wanna go to the movie? ill be like sure! and we can go. and ill treat him like any of my other guy friends. but i have a feeling he wont. if he does its definitely a sign there MIGHT still be something there if i havent talked to him in a week and he thinks of me then yea definitely. ill have to stick to my word. for the first time in my entire life ill have to exercise discipline. cause my instinct in a week when im feeling stronger is going to be to hit him up but i have to get this through my head. COMPLETE SEPARATION. meaning i can show him absolutely NO attention. i have never left him alone for more than 3 days. so that will be my first milestone. starting tomorrow. 7 full days will be sunday that will be my goal and my commitment. then ill do that four more times. december 1st im allowed to hit him up. if i choose to. i may choose not to. and honestly there is a possibility that within that month he will move on. and if it happens there is NOTHING i can do and i have to just know that that reflects poorly on him. i know hes not going to save himself for me hes not thinking about me at all. but i mean for him to move on that quick...i dont think he will because hes focused right now and he doesnt really do a whole lot of social things but i mean...he could. theres nothing i can do. and honestly i could move on too. if God sends me some nice hot guy im not gunna turn em down thinking about Corey cause he wouldnt do it for me. NEW is always appealing. thats why spending time apart helps because then you become NEW again. and NEW is always appealing. right now the reality is he doesnt give a shit. i could do whatever with any guy, post pics, change my relationship status. he would not care it wouldnt affect him whatsoever. so i need not waste my time thinking that like hes missing me cause hes not. i have to know what im doing when i do this. And trust that God is always pulling strings in my favor. He knows my heart so if I dont get to be with Corey there is something else hes saving for me. but I mean....i feel good for the first time in forever I feel...like me. And i want to stay on this path. Good news is: we are back friends on fb. he liked one of my statuses today even though it was talking about kissing frogs that dont become princes and that ill find one one day which i could be sad about cause it means he doesnt give a shit or i could just be happy that he liked my fucking status lol so he will still see anything i post. the hard part is going to be not posting with him in mind because its going to be my first instinct but that is puppeteering. its best to make a post because i want to or not at all. my last post was that today was the best day ever so thats a good one to leave up. but this month since i only have one class and no deadlines or any pressure for things i HAVE to do im going to take this time to heal and recover and REST. i been playing soccer with a broken leg for a while and its not healing. so im not going to ren fest. not going dancing tonight. everyday im going to go to work, the gym, and then home. i need to spend as much time by myself as possible so i can get to the point i LIKE being alone and stop pretending to be overly social and doing things just to take pictures. i need to do things i ENJOY and be in the moment not just take a picture of it and live vicariously through that. im going to do the next challenge no matter how many people sign up or don't sign up. because it helps people. even if it only helps a few and if i dont get that many pictures, people love it and the original reason i did it was to help people and it does. any money is money i dont have now. id love to get 3 grand and be able to get ahead financially and finish my tats. but ill take whatever i can get. and just do my best to help as many people as i can. and im going to do my photoshoot. and probably do some more to keep updating my portfolio and because it makes me feel hot and i enjoy it. these next two months i have a lot of free time and i want to use it to my advantage because its going to be hard to do anything next semester with all those classes. i can see how everything panned out now for the better, and i am actually happy. i dont feel heart broken right now which is crazy. i feel peace. i got my nails off and on my way out this girl didnt see me and kind of hit me. we got out, checked and we were both good and drove off saying have a good day!! God is really on my side right now things are about to be real good. He's walking with me I gotta remember that everywhere I go theres no need to be afraid or intimidated or anything because God is right next to me in spirit all the time. I feel empowered and strong and excited about life. Im about to go to the gym even though I have cramps and a slight headache because I want to. I want a six pack. Being heart broken has also helped me get somewhat smaller because food hasnt really been a concern for me lately. Cause I knew nothing could really make me happy so i just eat whats available. Idk if ill cook when I get home but i bought turkey and chicken to make a stir fry. and My goal is to get down to 12% bodyfat. but whatever ill just watch my weight, my measurements, and the mirror. i want this underbooty gone and to see abs and ill be happy. ....I have so many moments when I dont thinka bout him now. I looked at the pics in my phone and just smiled. He didnt look like a god to me. I love how he looks but I just didnt feel the same. and I didnt want to cry. My feelings are fading THANK YOU GOD!!!