bored on my off day

So hey why not make anyother blog. Im not complaining cause i would not rather be at work. but yea, so i wonder...idk. idk what it is about Corey that got me hooked. i did tell him i like didnt mean to just dump all my shit on him and become so dependent but i tried to like sheild him from it and he would like urge me to let him be there for me. so i got comofortable i havent really ever had that. no ones ever taken care of me like he did. its crazy cause yesterday conrad referred to "when you and corey get married" and it didnt sound weird to me. i know i say i could marry everyone but its like...im not waking up from this. i just...idk. i dont think were GOING to get married. we couldnt even stay together for more than a month the kid doesnt even want to be in a relationship with me so im not even thinking about that LOL and im so happy and thankful that it doesnt sound like the end of the world. im still excited to go pro and get to travel and compete and maybe meet a hot fitness model to date im fine with that. its true Corey doesnt have a whole lot going for him in that aspect. but i do not care. for some reason nothing about him bothers me. he just feels like home. i mean hes a little thick right now, by no means fat but hes bigger than anyone ive ever dated in my life and hes going to be bulking the majority of his life probably. so thats something im going to have to deal with but it does not bother me. am i blind right now what is it? hes pale. and hes hairy. not curly hairy though. hairy none the less though. he gets beat up a lot not like beat up by a person but hes got bangs and cuts and little bumps in random places and his hair wasnt cut he wears the same stuff a lot. though he does have different clothes in his closet i wear the same shit too its the competitor life lol but yea like... idk usually everything is conditional and certain things ppl do are a turn off. i had to like adjust and accept so much with anthony cause i usually date boys who are like super well kept. garrisen wasnt necessarily but black boys just arent hairy and theyre soft and yea. so anthony loosened me up a lot that was gross and i dodged a bullet but i can see clearly how that was a huge contributing stepping stone. but like yea i mean...theres just SO many things that i dont care about. the way i feel about him i just dont get. WHY i keep coming back i just dont get. i really think its not like a bad thing though. it may fade in time if we dont make any progress and i can control it now. BUT like...its true. its just how he makes me feel. hes different from anyone ive ever been with but if i could relate it to someone it would be bj but hes a lot funnier. hes very very funny. a lot more aggressive too. im not forcing anymore im just going with the flow but sometimes i really do wish he liked me like i liked him or that it would develop into that because i really see like...i think i would be super lucky if he felt that way about me. he seems to have a possessive side which i like. but like not to the point of garrisen or anthony cause he isnt insecure. but it just...is nice to think that he could ever feel that way about me. not that i dont deserve it it just doesnt seem to be there ya know. for him at least. i dont think i give him bubbles. in which case we dont need to be together cause i dont want him to feel how i felt when i was with garrisen. but i just dont care about anything everything about him is beautiful to me. i love his face, his smile, his lips. his hands feel like sand paper but i still love to hold them and i love it when he touches me anywhere especially my face i dont even notice. i love his voice and the way he talks and listening to him talk. i love his hair a lot lol and his face no matter how round it is when hes bulking. hes still my backstreet boy haha and his eyes. i just love everything especially when he gets all aggressive. everything about him is attractive to me. i mean monitary stuff is nice but i mean hes taken care of and i remember when i was. i was younger but hes a boy. i just really like most things about him and he is like my best friend. i miss the days when we told eachother everything i dont its not exactly the same now but i hope were getting back there. it really is like that taylor swift song. and when ya find everything ya look for, i hope your life leads you back to my door. oh but if it dont, stay beautiful. i know in my heart this probably wont happen i have a feeling i wont get to keep him. it sucks but my heart is making peace with it. im just enjoying our time together. but i can definitely see myself growing old with him. id stay with him til death do us part. i dont care that he doesnt have a job or tons of money or isnt in school. i believe in him and his dreams and i would help him any way i could which im sure could be a lot. i can see us supporting eachother and having a lot of fun and good memories and being very very popular with people. and i kmow he can see that too but if he just doesnt feel that way about me its not his fault and im not mad. i know he likes me. the question is how much and is he going to really be able to let me go. cause i dont want to do the half ass thing again. he has to know. im not really waiting around. but i can just..let it be what it is. have fun right now and see if it turns out he does feel the same i know he'll do the right thing and make it official he knows it means something to me. i just hope im over him long before he moves on so i dont have to hurt anymore. but when i see old couples in vitamin shoppe coming in shopping together, the guys like babe do you need anything else and theyre old and sweet and happy and still laughing, i can definitely see that being us. its just a matter like....if the pressure comes of. if theres no like..must. and if he basically has the time with me and the sex...will he still want to be with me. i made a facebook status saying "why by the cow if you can get the milk for free? because its good ass milk and you dont want to share duh" thats the truth. if he has FEELINGS for me he wont want me with anyone else. and as i do more for me i think hes beginning to see like i dont need him. and i hope its not intimidating. idk. we will see. i dont have much hope anymore im not going to lie i can see this being as far as it goes though i do think it would be hard for both of us to let go. i dont plan on bringing up relationships or being friends with benefits or asking him what we are. and if he asks me ill tell him the truth. ill say we're not friends with benefits because friends with benefits dont have feelings for eachother. we;re one of two things. we're either delaying the inevitable (complete severance which is a sign that that's not what we want) or we're "working on things." "starting over" but we're definitely not friends with benefits and we're definitely not together. and the fact is if he likes me, he'll want me to be his and no one elses. if he doesnt care then its not meant to go anywhere. but right now like im happy with my life i want him in it but i dont NEED him to be my boyfriend. i want him to want me to be his girlfriend or i dont want it. its not necessary ya know. Thank you God for this peace and this growth. i truly believe i could be the best thing that ever happened to that boy. I opened my eyes and we'll see if he opens his now. cause its really not me that needs him. its like is he ready to deal with his issues or am i not the one. if im not its not the end of the world. its sad. and its going to hurt when we stop talking. thats the thing i cant see. i do not see that happening. and this could be a blessing in disguise God could be working in OUR favor but regardless i Know he is working in MY favor idk if Corey is what he wants for me. i do know though and i can tell by the way things are going for me that my life is about to start falling together and he can either be apart or not he can easily get left behind but I knew when he broke my heart that God would make me prosper and thats exactly what hes doing. I like who he is I like his personality I like how he treats me and how we fit together. but it really is up to him if he wants to change and make me like..be a better guy to me. if not, i won't be fighting for it. because i already have other suitors. im not going to be on this "its complicated" shit im either single or im not. theres a chance he could be using me for entertainment while hes jobless but i mean...thats basically what im doing. id never use him but i just want his company and like to enjoy myself too. we're just like...idk. doing what we do. and when he gets another job, if i get him another job, it could be like hjust forgets about me. gets busy. doesnt care. or this experience could humble him and show him whos really there. i do think hes STARTING to come to his senses but i dont know. i dont. and until im sure no i do not consider us together and no i dont want us to be. i do want him to invite me over tonight. i dont care if we're going to see eachother three times this week i love being around him we dont get sick of eachother so it doesnt even matter. i think im going to do a moisturizing treatment right now. just in case. cause he keeps asking me what im doing he did the same shit last night and i know hes not doing shit and i know he knows im off and not doing shit. i think he mightve wanted me to come over last night but i told em i was just going to chill i actually went to sleep i was super tired yday. but yea. thank you God. Im in a MILLION TIMES better place than i was last week. or even earlier this week just in general. im in a good place. i like him but i know my worth i needed to be shown and like have it reiterated to me. at my best anybody would want me. i cant always be here. but im here most the time. we'll see. i really am bored though damn haha