Doing the MOST God please dont let me ruin everything

Another night of sitting here listening for the damn phone. he knows my schedule now i sent it to him. after he forgave me for my weird confessional earlier. wasnt too bad. mild freak out but he said he knows i was just being a girl and its okay. i need to stop though seriously this is the critical time where his feelings are deepening on their own. my job really and ALL i have to do is just survive the days we dont see eachother without sabotaging every damn thing. i ruined my opportunity on friday. yesterday was ok. today was pretty legit too. until i ruined it AGAIN but in his eyes its not ruined i just wish i wouldve withheld. im realizing now though this is MY ISSUE my number one issue is my lack of discipline and its time to face it. every single day im going to have to approach every decision with a mindset of doing the RIGHT thing now what i want. this is why my confidence falters. as far as getting through tough stuff im FORCED to go through im strong. but as far as getting through tough stuff that will pay off in the end that is my choice i pretty much always opt out and it shows in my relationships and my body. my career. im impulsive and i have no willpower i always do what i want to do because im scared that it will send me into a low. its like my whole goal in life is to avoid any kind of pain that isnt physical and its a cripple and i need to stop. if i can get through heartbreak and misery and depression i can get through any diet and withholding my feelings especially if it will pay off. Ive been doing God a disservice by gioving into all the things I shouldnt and basically letting the devil run my life. I drove to the church after work but it was so big and i was scare dso Im loading it so I can watch it on my comp which is taking forever. Im happy Ive made this realization so soon. I know I can still fix it. By just...being basically cold and withdrawn from him. The BEST thing to do would be to act busy. and treat him like someone i dont like. not DISlike. but dont return the same feelings for. REMIND MYSELF that the distance and doubt is what CREATED the passion so at some point i honestly might have to turn him down. i have to pretend to be busy and have shit goping on even if i dont. which is so freaking hard but ive become addicted to him again. the thing i can do to get some things gouing for myself is honestly work on the things about me i dont like and build my confidence about my insides. cause thats the only way i wont be obsessed. i dont want to withold my feelings and i wont have to forever but right now its important because its too early. hes only been back in commission for 2 weeks. almost. so i really just gotta play it cool which im not good at especially since i dont have anything else goin g on but i can focus on my body and just building my discipline every day and look at him as practice. God gave me this chance please help me not blow it. Honestly us seeing eachother is really all the bonding we're going to do. i keep forgetting he will not reciprocate or reassure via text like ever. and its probably annoying that im always fishing. and i say a lot just so he'll ask me to come over. now hes not going to :( i thought he was going to ask me last night, didnt. thought he was going to ask me today,didnt. its been an hour and a half since he texted me back. im not off til thursday so im hoping to see him before then because that will have been a week. my last text though was a statement not a question so there is a possibility he may not text me back tonight. i do need to straighten my hair but honestly i just might not all we're going to do is get in the damn bed anyway and i always like to leave the house by nine when i go over there cause then ill be there by ten. all the games should be over by 10 or 11. all the games are over actually except the broncos and kansas city chiefs. i cant believe i knew the name of the team for kansas city haha i checked it was right. anyway yea so (i gotta hurry up my video is loaded) anyway yea so basically that game will be on til probably 11. soooo yea he'll be watching that i cant imagine him even taking a break to check his phone the game just started its the first half. so he may not even text me back tonight. i cant go over tomorrow because i open tuesday i could go over tuesday night or wednesday night. i was already thinking tuesday. i guess tonight is just convenient for me but i do need to go grocery shop :( so i can cook my food and start my diet tomorrow. for the first week im not going to do cardio, just weights to adjust to the workouts and the low carbs, etc. i know my energy is going to be low the first week im going to want to be taking a lot of naps. ugggghhhh i just want him to text me and ask me to come over is it that hard i can start playing hard to get tomorrow but right now i need to just...be around him and like get myself back in a happy place with him and be reassured and get him back interested cause when im around him i dont act all needy. i just miss the kid. and i got spoiled seeing him every other day lol. anyway. yea so God if its in your will I would love to go over there tonight. if not I can wait til tuesday. hes only got an hour to ask me. boo. he probably wont even text me within the next hour its already been two. boooooooooooo. im not going to tell him i want to see him. ive hinted as much as i could but i dont want to puppeteer. sooo yea :( that was today. kind of a so so day.