Seemingly all is well, but what are we now?

from the outside looking in it appears that we have become friends with benefits. all signs are of course pointing to the fact that we should not have had sex but damn its hard to be around the kid. i wanted to really bad he was so hot lol i mean...if thats whats going to like...hell, idk. maybe were not meant to be then im really not trying to play a bunch of games. but anyway so. idk tuesday i got mad at him for not texting me back and making me feel annoying and he told me he missed me. twice. and sent me that damn drake song again. idk what he was doing i guess he was playing with me idk. but he ended up asking me when i would come see him again (he got fired the day before) and then it was decided that i would come over that night. i told em i wasnt going to stay but of course i ended up staying. but yea so we ended up talking about everything. at one point he pissed me off cause he was like THEN WHY R YOU HERE and i like got my jacket and my shit and left and im walking to the car like how far is he going to let me get. i promise you if he didnt have any feelings for me he wouldve let me go. sometimes they do even when they have feelings for you. that pride. but no he cut me off in the street and we just talked about everything. he said he did feel pressured cause hes been trying to think of what changed his mind then he also said since i kept skipping my period he thought he was going to get me pregnant. and im like..i told em i was sorry for pressuring him i didnt mean to but he was so evil to me. and like how could he fake all that time and he said the way he answered things like was incorrect cause he wasnt faking, you cant fake that i was like EXACTLY. he said he did want to be around me and he wasnt faking blah blah. i really just like made it hit home how much he hurt me. at the end of the convo he just said like he wanted my company and he wanted me to come inside. i sat like far from him all night and wasnt really on him. til like the next morning i was. a little. but i still didnt initiate anything. things that stuck out to me is that he seemed to feel stupid. like he fucked things up and he shouldnt have. he apologized a lot and took back some of what he said. i told em he told me i could do whatever i want as long as i use protection and he was like NO lol he kept reiterating that he was happy i came. and wanted to know if i was. kept wanting to know who i been talking to, if i was going to the movie and who with and that he still wanted to go with me, i did tell him yesterday in the morning that i was planning to go with garrisen cause it was free and free food. and he didnt have a whole lot of comment. i was going to leave but he was like no i dont want you to leave yet. but yea then like after i left i texted em saying if you want to go to the movie i will tell garrisen no and he was like "i wanna go." i feel like idk if id have been able to swallow my pride if he told me he was planning to go to the movie with brooke i might have been like nah its cool go with her. so idk if that means he really cares or he doesnt care that much but judging by all the questions he was asking me. he cares more than i thought he did. i mean i was like extra distant especially that night. i was like i mean youre getting what you wanted this is what you wanted and he was like well im not really am i. and like we had sex i think 3 times that night and once in the morning. i told him before we had sex he just wants to have his cake and eat it too but if you dont want the cake you cant eat it. and he was like but i do want the cake. i dont want to hang out with him if i cant have sex lol sorry. unless im on my period. i do have to get this vagina under control cause its still super dry but im doing the moisturizing treatments every night and as soon as i get my finances back up im going to take omega7 hopefully that will help. i need to go to the gyno and get some diflucan really. if there was some already up there that would be awesome :) but yea just in general id say like.idk he was like all on me and i was very like..like i said distant and making him fight for everything which was super hot cause i love it when hes aggressive. its crazy cause i thought it might be all physical. its not. idk what it is about him. but i mean the whole relationship thing is just me being proud of him and wanting people to know hes mine. BUT like..im at the point and thank you God for restoring my strength. like if he doesnt feel the same i dont want em. ya know? i dont want to be with somebody that is only with me cause they feel pressured if he wants to be with me it needs to be because he cant be without me and doesnt want me with anybody else. if he feels like that then we should be together. but i dont want to be in a relationship wheere im not sure so right now i dont want to be in a relationship with him at all. i dont trust him. and i dont know how he feels about me our communication is not where it should be and i just dont want to get hurt which he said i would no matter what. so we're either friends with benefits (which will not work because we have feelings for eachother) or like we're working on things. 'talking". I think that if i keep doing my own thing, not really giving him a whole bunch of attention, but still like being there for him cause now that he's jobless hes bored to death. Im trying to get him a demo job with GAT. idk. its in my nature i dont want him to suffer. but yea so i mean idk whats going on but I know God is pulling the strings I didnt initiate any of this I just went along with it. And i hope hes not just playing with me i told him he better not be. theres no point in that. i cant see him feeling the way hes acting but i mean ..im guarded right now. and i plan to stay this way he can earn his way back into my heart or not at all. and yea why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. cause it used to be your cow and you dont anyone else to have it. so i mean...me depriving him of milk...idk he already knows me. the thing i can deprive him of that i think will mean more is attention. so im trying. though its hard. im trying not to text him today because i text him every datgum day. i cant remember how the convo got started on.... tuesday like did i text him first i think so lemme check. he never texts me first anymore. oh yea i did text him first telling him we didnt have to talk anymore and he said no. OMG HE TEXTED ME GOODMORNING!!!!!!! nevvvvvverrrrrr happppeennnnsss. i was actually reading over our texts from tuesday and a new one popped up saying "Morning! I'm sure youre still in bed enjoying your day off" lmao. well. idk. we will see. i dont think he wants to be in a relationship right now which is fine honestly because i dont really want to like be with HIM right now. i want it to get better so itll last. but we are going to see Thor. so im guarenteed to see him saturday. im hoping maybe hell ask me to come over tonight but if he doesnt i am still OFF yay and then in another day im OFF AGAIN. gotta hit the gym hard this upcoming week so i can kill my photoshoot with yasmine next week wooooop! love :) yea im doing well. honestly i am. as long as i get to spend time with him and hes not moving on (which he says hes not, he says girls are scared of him ahahhaha) then im okay.